Burning Down The House - Part 2 of 2 - BRB, Just Gonna Chill In The Sun

First, let’s get this out of the way: Arlene and Terry in their robes. Come on guys, can’t you switch it up just a little? The whole “Madam Butterfly” role playing game has got to feel stale. At least in his normal clothes, Terry looks rather fetching... for a gun toting Southerner who’s always one step away from a mental breakdown. Andy, you... well... you just keep doing what you're doing. Try and get off the junk, huh?

Oh look, we have a fashion challenge on our hands! Who wore it better: the drape edition. First we have Antonia, rocking a truly inspired hair care regimen. Girlfriend was into teased locks back during the Inquisition. Points for the hair, but demerits for the stained tarp she’s been rocking for centuries. I don't care if you're a ghost - figure it out. On the other hand, Marni's decided to update that whole “persecuted witch” look with a (surprise!) belted sheet and limp hair. Hmm, tough call ladies but, in my professional opinion, I’m going to say that Antonia wins. Why? She was burned at the stake when owning a hairbrush was a luxury meant for aristocrats... what’s Marni’s excuse? 

Speaking of excuses, here’s a pathetic one for a coven. Did Marnie swing by Berkley for a few freshmen before starting her little witch organization? This looks like the Invasion of the Crunchy Clan. Antsy about being held captive? Why don't you just magic up some more quinoa, sir?

Guess who hasn’t changed clothes because they’re in a hostage situation? Holly and Tara! It’s nice to see the ladies bond.

He might be concerned for his cousin, but Lafayette doesn’t let a little grief rain on his fashion parade. Girl, can we talk about the slippers? Comfort over style? Who do you think you are - Sookie?

At least in the unending parade of patronizing looks from Jesus, he manages to pull together a more subdued, yet fashionable look. That robe? It’s nothing to write a blog about...

 but darling sugar-pie honeybunch, those boots? Let’s get married, you sultry Latin ‘mo. I’ve even forgiven you for wearing cargo pants. Well, I’m still working on that but I promise I’ll get over it. Sorry, but they're never coming back. No matter how many GAP commercials you reference.

Of course, it’s better than your freaky tribal look. Ew. I hate ear stretchers.

Hoyt seems pretty stoked to have broken up with Jessica. Or, to have been broken up with by Jessica. Either way, he’s the most adorable mama’s boy I’ve ever met. Actually, I’ve had a crush on Hoyt since Season One. You may have noticed that I have a proclivity towards men of a larger nature. That’s why I think Hoyt, in this hideous ribbed v-neck, is far more attractive than Jason. 

Yeah, I said it - I’ll pause for a collective gasp. Jason, you going to be OK?

You guys, is he wearing yoga pants? That cut off at the calf? I don’t care if they’re sweatpants rolled up, they look like short yoga pants. Even for yoga, short pants are never a good idea. That’s why we have shorts. Repetition is the most effective learning tool.

Somehow, in this sea of American Apparel hoodies and scooping neck lines for men, I don’t have total confidence in our miniature Scooby Squad. Though it is slightly refreshing to see Lafayette without a head covering; too bad he has that dreadhawk thing going on. 

So, if you’re a supernatural being, and you know when weird things are happening, do you involve yourself in some way? Or do you shack up with a dirty trick who offers you the possibility of more V and a werebaby? Wait... don’t answer that... Debbie’s beat you to the punch.

Alcide wasn’t topless this week, even though Debs was pretty darn close. Shame. Even though he doesn’t do a bad job of filling out this plaid shirt, I’ve become accustomed to seeing some skin every week. Best part of this photo? The way Alcide dwarfs Sam; the man is a brickhouse!

So is that why Sam looks pretty distraught? I mean, he is sporting the same shirt as before, but it’s a nice shade of blue and the fabric seems to be all natural - what’s the problem? 

Oh. Right. The whole Tommy dying thing. Sorry Tommy, it was fun while it lasted (content edited for, you know, gross amounts of blood).

Just two episodes left! Brace yourself for next week friends - I have a feeling it's going to be over the top. Much like Marnie's belt was over her jacket.

Let's Get Out Of Here - Part 2 of 2 - In the Doghouse

Listen, there's a lot of violent stuff happening this season. Amid the brute force of weres and witches and vamps alike, I wanted to make sure to give ample opportunity to ogle the incredible force that is Alcide.

Ohhhhhh yes. A four-dollar grey beater from Wal-Mart? I'm so into that.

Good LORD he's chiseled out of marble! No, wait, not chiseled -- he simply burst out of the earth fully formed and perfectly naked, no hammer or chisel required. Also, his hair is perfect.

Let's talk about poor Debbie for a second. She had a rough year last year: getting hooked on V and sleeping with a crazy wolf (moment of silence for Cooter, please) and trying to kill lots of people... And now she's sober and blonde. Her jealousy of Sookie manifests in many ways.

Aaaaaand she's fallen off the wagon. That only took nine episodes. Bad dog, Debbie, bad dog.

Unfortunately, the Shreveport Pack's current Alpha is greasy Marcus, who seemed suspicious at first, then kind of all right, and now we know the real truth: he's Luna's abusive ex-husband, and he owns approximately two t-shirts, one pair of wrecked jeans, and zero hair ties. Seriously, man, cut it or tie it back.

Hoyt Fortenberry is on the bad dog list too. He's acting like a total whackjob since Jessica dumped him, and it's totally taking me by surprise because he's always been such a sweetheart. Also, Hoyt, that t-shirt needs to be retired. What happened to your nice foray into the realm of American Apparel hoodies??

Bad dog numero uno this week? Tommy Merlotte. His new skinwalking hobby isn't just awkward as heck to watch, it's actually revolting and he's getting himself beat up way more than is normal even for him. He's wearing all of Sam's flannel though, which makes up our entire Plaid Shirt Count for the week.

I really don't even want to talk about Tommy's selection of jacket for his meet-and-greet with Marcus while posing as Sam... I mean, is it all denim? Is that a canvas placket? Is it from the late sixties/early seventies (and not in a good way)? WHO KNOWS.

I also would just like to give a shout out to Roy, the dude-witch who has become Antonia/Marni's teacher's pet. Roy is both awkward and bloodthirsty, which proves to be an obnoxious combination, giving his Wicca wardrobe a military edge (note the oversized green canvas vest. 

Sit, Roy. Stay.

Spellbound - part 2 of 2 - Team Leather

We found out this week that Marcus is Luna's crazy werewolf ex. I guess that isn't a total surprise, since there aren't that many werewolves on the show, and we already knew Marcus is crazy. But still... gross.

As if the greasy hair and the greasy beard weren't enough, he's combining a denim shirt with a leather jacket? And with a bonus undershirt of greasy chest hair? I'd say Sam is quite the upgrade in the man department, even bearing in mind his slightly insane skinwalker brother...

Yeah, I'm talking about you, Tommy. However, I have to give him credit for his Maxine disguise. Everything was believable apart from the telltale spiky bangs hairdo that we all associate with Tommy:

Nice try. But Maxine, for all her faults, always has her hair in a flawless, hairsprayed helmet:

She's like, "Would anybody believe that I would allow that dissheveled hairdo anywhere near this head? Hell, no!" Also, I like how she's in purple-in-purple and the news reporter is in blue-on-blue. That would look nice on the local news.

Also looking nice on the local news? Bill, who has taken my suit-wearing advice to heart and shows up in a total Don Draper-inspired look (maybe he's been shopping the new Mad Men collection at Banana Republic?)

Check out the crease on his trousers. Flawless. He's clearly presenting the new, more handsome, less scary public face of vampires. Not sure about the tie though.

Bill changes back into his same mandarin-collar black leather jacket for the big showdown with Marnie/Antonia, which is apparently part of the dress code for season-ending, late-night cemetary showdowns.

Seriously. I have to assume that in an unaired scene, everybody in attendance at the cemetary battle was told to wear leather jackets. Check it:

1) Marnie's very cute fitted leather jacket with lots of stitch detailing:

2) Pam's leather jacket of spiked, studded badassery:

and 3) Tara's leather jacket of meh:

Why did Bill get Pam to stop killing Tara? Out of loyalty to Sookie?

Maybe he has plans to help her improve her wardrobe, because girlfriend has got to get it together. Cargo skinny khakis and a pink cammo shirt? For reals?

How is this woman related to Lafayette, who so consistently hits it out of the park? Where did she buy that top? Does anybody care?

Other unnamed members of Marnie's coven get kick-ass looks like this:

Can this girl be Sookie's new BFF next season?

And to my great despair, there was no Shirtless Alcide this week. There was Alcide wearing his same yummy caramel jacket from last week, while being so sweet to Debbie (WHO DOES NOT DESERVE HIM).

Like, is that acidwash she's got on? Run, Alcide!

By far, though, the best moment of the episode was when Alcide swept in through the fog with his big shoulders and his handsome face to carry Sookie off to safety.

If Sookie continues to ignore his RED HOT HOTNESS after this rescue, I don't know what to think. Why hang out with amnesiac Eric when you've got Alcide, in all his hotness, throwing himself at you? Pretty tough life, being Sookie Stackhouse.

Oh wait, she totally got shot this week. I guess it is kind of tough. Still... wake up and smell the werewolf!

I Wish I Was the Moon - Part 1 of 2 - Dark side of the moon

Episode Synopsis: You guys, what didn't happen this week? It's a full moon, so maybe that's why everything went to crazy town. Bill arrests Eric and gets permission to kill him, but then Eric's heartfelt speech about Sookie changes Bill's mind. While in vamp jail, Eric sees what remains of rotting Pam, who horrifies him with her glowing description of the monster he used to be. Jason is convinced he's going to turn into a werepanther, and is comforted first by Sookie and then by Jessica to the point that he's almost disappointed not to shift. Lafayette and Jesus visit Abuelo de los Creepy who gives them some sort of protection that includes Jesus getting bit by a rattlesnake and Lafayette temporarily possessed by some other Mayan dude. In vamp jail, Marnie summons the spirit of the dead Spanish witch, and then goes all necromancy on her jail guard - who was one of the Spanish witch's tormentors back in the day. Tommy takes over Sam's body and a) fires Sookie, b) has sex with Luna, c) collapses in a pile of his own vomit. And Arlene and Terry's house burns down, thanks either to evil baby or the evil doll (maybe both?). And Baby Mikey gets a vision of Tiana from Princess and the Frog, or something.

Whew. What a week! There was so much action, almost nobody had time to think about their clothes. Which was a good thing and a bad thing, depending on who you're looking at. Someone who was much too busy to think about fashion this week was Pam, without a doubt.

Oh, sweetie. Whatever Marnie did to Pam is probably the worst imaginable punishment for a fab lady like this. Without her good looks, Pam is quite literally lost. She doesn't even take off this sheet until Eric (reluctantly) commands her to.

That being said, and despite her disfiguring facial condition, Pam is working it with everything she's got here. It's hard to see exactly what she's wearing, but I think I'm seeing an ankle-length black turtleneck dress and black leather gloves. One of the great things about True Blood is that everybody wears the same thing a few weeks in a row, so you can really get a good look at it.

For instance, has Marnie been wearing this green velvet dress for the last few episodes? If so, why didn't I notice until today that it's covered in kind of a velour paisley print? That print would look very nice on a throw pillow or something. And I wouldn't mind borrowing the chain belt.

Oh, hey there, Tommy-shifted-to-look-like-Sam. He was just getting dressed like any other day, putting on a plaid shirt, when suddenly he TURNED INTO SAM. Let this be a warning to the other men of Bon Temps: if you keep wearing plaid shirts, one day you will become Sam. A definite argument in favour of changing your wardrobe every now and then.

How much do I love that the show kept in that little Skype "boop boop beep!" sound when Bill called Nan. It's nice to see that even the undead enjoy free video conferencing. Nan's top here is either a silk blouse or some kind of silk blazer. Either way, she looks classy and quite businesslike, while still stylish...

... unlike Hoyt's Mom, who looks like trashy and mismatched, while still tragic. The Hawaiian print button-down? The pink appliqued tank? The frosted green eyeshadow? While her words (said to Sam, who was really Tommy) were extremely cruel, it's really no loss for Hoyt or Tommy that she's cut them out of her life. Good riddance, lady.

Another character who I hope we'll be saying "good riddance" to sometime soon is Debbie. Not just because of her Sookie-hating past, but also because of her Momsen-esque eye makeup and this hot mess of a sundress.

Maybe Sookie hates her so much, she's blacklisted her from all of the really cute sundress stores, so this is all that was left? What does Alcide see in her, seriously? What is this hold she has over him? It's really a shame Alcide is a werewolf, because he's so much better than the company he keeps.

King Bill also seems pretty unhappy hanging with vamps all the time. Also: I am tired of his 1980s Wall Street approach to suits. Get a DVD of Mad Men, watch it, and learn about how suits don't have to be SO BORING.

At the end of the episode, he threw a black leather jacket on top of his blue button-down to go brood out on his front porch. He finally looks like his old self again, here. I think it just kills him to see Sookie and Eric hanging out, and, like Eric suggested, he really does still love Sookie.

I have two picks for outfit of the week The first goes to Mysetry Lady, who may or may not be a human version of Tiana from "The princess and the frog."

I'm sorry to always be making these Disney comparisons but seriously. We don't know who this friendly ghost lady is, but we do know that she saved Baby Mikey from the fire, she's seriously gorgeous, and her cream-coloured vintage dress is to die for (pardon the pun).

Outfit of the week, right there, folks.