Much is the same as last week. Tara is still not enjoying her vampire life (who knew vamps could nap in a walk-in?), Pam is still flashbacking to her early days with Eric (adorbs!), and Bill and Eric are still being held captive by the Authority. I'm starting to get confused on what the Authority wants to do with those boys. They hired Rev. Newlin as their new spokesperson? Really? Then there's poor Jason, haunted by a dalliance with one of his high school teachers. We shouldn't be surprised by that one.
Hey, remember when Sookie used to wear cute sundresses all the time? We're three episodes in, and I've lost all hope of ever seeing them again. I suppose a hoodie is appropriate attire for racing around Bon Temps trying to find your newly-turned vampire/possibly former best friend, but Seasons 1-4 Sookie would have worn something cuter.
Pam, on the other hand, is having none of that sweatsuit action (remember how quickly she ditched Gran's yellow monstrosity?) She's badass in her leather gettup, complete without fingerless gloves and large cross necklace.
I would also like to mention Pam's expert curls and makeup. Exhibit A that vamps are always glamorous. Sidenote: Is this where that phrase "vamping it up" comes from?
While Jason does wonders for a plain t-shirt and zip-up, shirtless is really his best outfit.
And why is he shirtless? Why, a little reunion with a former high school teacher that he ::ahem:: learned a lot from. You know, this is exactly what I would expect a teacher who had sex with her high school student to look like fifteen years later. Still somewhat attractive, but obviously a bit hard-worn and faded. The years, they have not been kind.
She's still working the cleavage, though. Nice job.
Speaking of time's ravages, Sam is looking older and older these days. It may be time to bring out the Touch of Gray. Or can he shape-shift some of those gray hairs to brown? Does he have those fine motor skills?
The rest of the Merlotte's crew isn't doing much better. Terry has a deep, dark secret, and obvs that means it's time break out the leather jacket from 1982. Put back Terry, just put it back.
Look, you're making Arlene sad. Oh wait, no...she's just making sure her bra is still there. A black bra under a white t-shirt? Really Arlene? Your hair and makeup is finally starting to calm itself, let's get your clothes in order.
Rounding out the Merlotte's staff is Lafayette. LA-LA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I mean, besides losing your boyfriend and your cousin and going through all sorts of other trauma. Again, Seasons 1-4 Lafayette would have slapped on some eyeliner, a glitter top, and been over it. These thrift store finds are not ok. Bring back fabulous Lafayette, pls.
Wait a minute. I found Lafayette's eyeliner.
Here's Hoyt, channeling his inner Jared Leto. But unlike Jared Leto (and Lafayette), Hoyt needs to ditch that eyeliner. He's just a mama's boy at heart; not an almost-scary-wannabe-rocker.
I mean, what would Jessica say about his new look? One thing's for sure, this dress is GOR-geous. Perfect fit. Perfect color. If Jessica had to wear one outfit for the rest of her life, this should be it.
But it's a good thing Vampires aren't stuck with one outfit for all etinerity. Why is Eric in a track suit so hilarious? I literally can't stop laughing at the awkwardness. It's like when I first saw Mark Paul Gosselaar without the blond Zach Morris hair. Eric needs to lose the track suit, stat.
Thanks. That's better.
For as nice as Shirtless Eric and Shirtless Bill are, this Salome woman is really stealing the show. Exhibit B, further proving that Vampires are always glamorous -- they dress up in fancy gowns for no reason at all.
Exhibit C: Who else could rock a silky robe with feathery cuffs?
A Vamp, that's who. Not even Season 1-4 Sookie could pull this off.