True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Much is the same as last week. Tara is still not enjoying her vampire life (who knew vamps could nap in a walk-in?), Pam is still flashbacking to her early days with Eric (adorbs!), and Bill and Eric are still being held captive by the Authority. I'm starting to get confused on what the Authority wants to do with those boys. They hired Rev. Newlin as their new spokesperson? Really? Then there's poor Jason, haunted by a dalliance with one of his high school teachers. We shouldn't be surprised by that one. 

Hey, remember when Sookie used to wear cute sundresses all the time? We're three episodes in, and I've lost all hope of ever seeing them again. I suppose a hoodie is appropriate attire for racing around Bon Temps trying to find your newly-turned vampire/possibly former best friend, but Seasons 1-4 Sookie would have worn something cuter.

Pam, on the other hand, is having none of that sweatsuit action (remember how quickly she ditched Gran's yellow monstrosity?) She's badass in her leather gettup, complete without fingerless gloves and large cross necklace. 

I would also like to mention Pam's expert curls and makeup. Exhibit A that vamps are always glamorous. Sidenote: Is this where that phrase "vamping it up" comes from? 

While Jason does wonders for a plain t-shirt and zip-up, shirtless is really his best outfit. 

And why is he shirtless? Why, a little reunion with a former high school teacher that he ::ahem:: learned a lot from. You know, this is exactly what I would expect a teacher who had sex with her high school student to look like fifteen years later. Still somewhat attractive, but obviously a bit hard-worn and faded. The years, they have not been kind.

She's still working the cleavage, though. Nice job.

Speaking of time's ravages, Sam is looking older and older these days. It may be time to bring out the Touch of Gray. Or can he shape-shift some of those gray hairs to brown? Does he have those fine motor skills?

The rest of the Merlotte's crew isn't doing much better. Terry has a deep, dark secret, and obvs that means it's time break out the leather jacket from 1982. Put back Terry, just put it back. 

Look, you're making Arlene sad. Oh wait, no...she's just making sure her bra is still there. A black bra under a white t-shirt? Really Arlene? Your hair and makeup is finally starting to calm itself, let's get your clothes in order. 

Rounding out the Merlotte's staff is Lafayette. LA-LA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I mean, besides losing your boyfriend and your cousin and going through all sorts of other trauma. Again, Seasons 1-4 Lafayette would have slapped on some eyeliner, a glitter top, and been over it. These thrift store finds are not ok. Bring back fabulous Lafayette, pls.

Wait a minute. I found Lafayette's eyeliner.

Here's Hoyt, channeling his inner Jared Leto. But unlike Jared Leto (and Lafayette), Hoyt needs to ditch that eyeliner. He's just a mama's boy at heart; not an almost-scary-wannabe-rocker.

I mean, what would Jessica say about his new look? One thing's for sure, this dress is GOR-geous. Perfect fit. Perfect color. If Jessica had to wear one outfit for the rest of her life, this should be it.

More Valentino...

But it's a good thing Vampires aren't stuck with one outfit for all etinerity. Why is Eric in a track suit so hilarious? I literally can't stop laughing at the awkwardness. It's like when I first saw Mark Paul Gosselaar without the blond Zach Morris hair. Eric needs to lose the track suit, stat.

Thanks. That's better.

For as nice as Shirtless Eric and Shirtless Bill are, this Salome woman is really stealing the show. Exhibit B, further proving that Vampires are always glamorous -- they dress up in fancy gowns for no reason at all. 

More Salvatore Ferragamo...

Exhibit C: Who else could rock a silky robe with feathery cuffs? 

A Vamp, that's who. Not even Season 1-4 Sookie could pull this off.

Burning Down The House - Part 2 of 2 - BRB, Just Gonna Chill In The Sun

First, let’s get this out of the way: Arlene and Terry in their robes. Come on guys, can’t you switch it up just a little? The whole “Madam Butterfly” role playing game has got to feel stale. At least in his normal clothes, Terry looks rather fetching... for a gun toting Southerner who’s always one step away from a mental breakdown. Andy, you... well... you just keep doing what you're doing. Try and get off the junk, huh?

Oh look, we have a fashion challenge on our hands! Who wore it better: the drape edition. First we have Antonia, rocking a truly inspired hair care regimen. Girlfriend was into teased locks back during the Inquisition. Points for the hair, but demerits for the stained tarp she’s been rocking for centuries. I don't care if you're a ghost - figure it out. On the other hand, Marni's decided to update that whole “persecuted witch” look with a (surprise!) belted sheet and limp hair. Hmm, tough call ladies but, in my professional opinion, I’m going to say that Antonia wins. Why? She was burned at the stake when owning a hairbrush was a luxury meant for aristocrats... what’s Marni’s excuse? 

Speaking of excuses, here’s a pathetic one for a coven. Did Marnie swing by Berkley for a few freshmen before starting her little witch organization? This looks like the Invasion of the Crunchy Clan. Antsy about being held captive? Why don't you just magic up some more quinoa, sir?

Guess who hasn’t changed clothes because they’re in a hostage situation? Holly and Tara! It’s nice to see the ladies bond.

He might be concerned for his cousin, but Lafayette doesn’t let a little grief rain on his fashion parade. Girl, can we talk about the slippers? Comfort over style? Who do you think you are - Sookie?

At least in the unending parade of patronizing looks from Jesus, he manages to pull together a more subdued, yet fashionable look. That robe? It’s nothing to write a blog about...

 but darling sugar-pie honeybunch, those boots? Let’s get married, you sultry Latin ‘mo. I’ve even forgiven you for wearing cargo pants. Well, I’m still working on that but I promise I’ll get over it. Sorry, but they're never coming back. No matter how many GAP commercials you reference.

Of course, it’s better than your freaky tribal look. Ew. I hate ear stretchers.

Hoyt seems pretty stoked to have broken up with Jessica. Or, to have been broken up with by Jessica. Either way, he’s the most adorable mama’s boy I’ve ever met. Actually, I’ve had a crush on Hoyt since Season One. You may have noticed that I have a proclivity towards men of a larger nature. That’s why I think Hoyt, in this hideous ribbed v-neck, is far more attractive than Jason. 

Yeah, I said it - I’ll pause for a collective gasp. Jason, you going to be OK?

You guys, is he wearing yoga pants? That cut off at the calf? I don’t care if they’re sweatpants rolled up, they look like short yoga pants. Even for yoga, short pants are never a good idea. That’s why we have shorts. Repetition is the most effective learning tool.

Somehow, in this sea of American Apparel hoodies and scooping neck lines for men, I don’t have total confidence in our miniature Scooby Squad. Though it is slightly refreshing to see Lafayette without a head covering; too bad he has that dreadhawk thing going on. 

So, if you’re a supernatural being, and you know when weird things are happening, do you involve yourself in some way? Or do you shack up with a dirty trick who offers you the possibility of more V and a werebaby? Wait... don’t answer that... Debbie’s beat you to the punch.

Alcide wasn’t topless this week, even though Debs was pretty darn close. Shame. Even though he doesn’t do a bad job of filling out this plaid shirt, I’ve become accustomed to seeing some skin every week. Best part of this photo? The way Alcide dwarfs Sam; the man is a brickhouse!

So is that why Sam looks pretty distraught? I mean, he is sporting the same shirt as before, but it’s a nice shade of blue and the fabric seems to be all natural - what’s the problem? 

Oh. Right. The whole Tommy dying thing. Sorry Tommy, it was fun while it lasted (content edited for, you know, gross amounts of blood).

Just two episodes left! Brace yourself for next week friends - I have a feeling it's going to be over the top. Much like Marnie's belt was over her jacket.

Spellbound - Part 1 of 2 - Team Denim

Episode Synopsis: Wow. OK. SO MUCH HAPPENED THIS WEEK! Jason saved Jessica from the world's worst sunburn and then they totally made out. So then Jess dumped Hoyt, who hates her now, and fled to be with Jason, who also kicked her out. Harsh! Sookie and Eric drink each others' blood and spend most of the episode in a V-induced Valhalla winter wonder-sex-land. Lafayette is possessed by the Princess & the Frog ghost, who it turns out had her baby taken from her back in the day, and Lafayette/ghost steals Baby Mikey. Bill tries to compromise with Marnie/Antonia, but neither of them really meant it, and then everybody fights everybody! (Except for the werewolves, who decide to stay out of it). At episode's end, Bill saves Tara, Marnie/Antonia has Eric in her thrall, Sookie gets shot, Alcide saves the day and Debbie is totally going evil on us, I think.

So! Let's start this week with poor, poor Jess. Things don't go so well for the good-hearted strawberry blond vamp teen. Luckily, she has a number of cute outfits, starting with these adorable flats!

I also like her cuffed-up skinny jeans. She spends most of the episode in denim, actually. For the first little bit, she's wearing the same cute button-down that got last week's outfit of the week pick. And golf claps for her shiny, shiny hair. 

Also of note is her nail polish. It's like a dark bronze-grey that looks kind of goth, but kind of sweet - not unlike Jessica herself.

OK, it might be distracting to see her bleeding face, but just focus on the polish for a sec. Cute, right? (Note: as a fellow pale-skinned redhead, I'd like to mention that this is what I'd look like if I ran around outside without SPF 60. Practice safe sun, kids!)

After getting help from a blood "donor," Jess cleaned up and headed home to break up with Hoyt. In another pair of jeans, flowery tank (very Sookie-esque) and a cropped jean jacket.

Waaaait a minute. Shiny, gorgeous hair? Cropped jacket? Is Jess trying out for a role on Pretty Little Liars? You know, I think she'd fit in pretty well over in Rosewood. It might serve her well to get away from Bon Temps for a bit.

Also channeling PLL style this week is Lafayette, with his single feather earring!

Oh, Lafayette. #that'ssoaria

Lafayette, poor guy, is settled in for a sofa snooze in his bright blue Snuggie, when suddenly Princess Tiana appears! He's like, "Oh, hell no!"

That being said, once he was possessed by the ghost of Princess T, his pink boat-neck top and headscarf seemed fairly appropriate.

So ladylike!

Luna was also cute in jeans this week. Luuurve her flowery top (darker colours than Jessica's tank, but the cut and shape of it is still so Sookie. Maybe there aren't a lot of shopping options in Bon Temps).

Speaking of Sookie, well, as Kim noted in the mini-recap, she spent a lot of time naked this week. The first clothing-ish thing she changes into is... well... a fur blanket.

And Eric, of course. He's always an excellent accessory.

Sookie's khaki green jacket is ready for action later on, though, when she and her BF sign up to help the vampires fight. I would fight for this jacket:

(We're not going to discuss Eric's corduroy-collared jean jacket. Just focus on the pretty.)

Over in the land of Possibly Evil Babies, Terry and Mikey were rocking matching camouflage shirts this week:

So sweet! (Pay no attention to the Possibly Evil Doll lurking over Mikey's shoulder.)

Arlene was wearing her usual Merlotte's uniform (with a tragic pink fannypack that we also don't need to talk about). Her hairclip was... interesting... I guess?

I think it's like a grapeleaf shape. In tortoiseshell, this would have gone great with her red hair. In blueish purple? Not so much. But I'm going to cut her the usual amount of slack, what with the Possibly Evil Baby and her recently-burned-down-house. Girlfriend has had a rough time of it this season.

Jason was also in uniform for most of this week. But he spent a few memorable moments in this undershirt and jeans.

Other than Eric's romp in Drug-Induced-Siberia, this was the show's only other display of male upper body strength. BRING IN THE SHIRTLESS ALCIDE, SHOW! I mean, um... let's move onto Team Leather!

I Wish I Was the Moon - Part 2 of 2 - Moonshadow

So, we've looked at this week's baddies. This week's heroes were kind of grey, too. It's reached that point of the season where it's hard to tell who's a good guy and who's a bad guy.

Well, we know Sookie's always a good guy. She started off the episode having the pretty yellow sundress from last week ripped off by Erik, but they were sadly interrupted. She then changed into this cute pink hoodie and jean shorts for the rest of the episode.

I like her red sneakers here, too. Did they cast Anna Paquin for her ability to look fabulous in shorts, or did they start dressing her in shorts because Anna Paquin looks so cute? This is a chicken and egg scenario, and I don't suppose we'll ever know.

Tara was also wearing bright pink this week... and no pants.

It's really quite bad-ass of her to grab a gun and answer the door without first putting on a pair of pants. But when it turns out just to be her girlfriend visiting from New Orleans, it all works out OK.

Especially because Naomi's zebra-print top kind of fits in with Lafayette's leopard-print decorating scheme.

I LOVE Naomi's bronze nail polish. What, isn't that what you were looking at when they started making out? ... Just me?

Check out Tara and Naomi, being a functional couple in their complementary outfits! This is the most normal relationship Tara's ever been in, right?

I don't love Lafayette's look here, but he's well outside of his comfort zone in Jesus' Abuelo's Mayan magic shack. I do love that Lafayette is still wearing false lashes. I think he'd feel naked without them.

But we don't have to see that track jacket or those jeans or the yellow bandana again. Ever. OK? Thanks.

Note: this is Sam, not Tommy-pretending-to-be-Sam. I know it can be confusing, because Real Sam is not wearing plaid this week. I can't hate on him too much, though, because he looks really good in these cowboy shirts and jeans. Carry on, shapeshifter.

To anyone who says that the men of Bon Temps all dress alike, I present to you, Alcide. Take note, Jason and Hoyt and Sam and Tommy: this is called a henley. They look especially great on men with extremely muscley torsos.

And if you're going to wear a plaid shirt? Try it with a retro 1970s-inspired brown leather jacket. Yum.

Now, I don't know where Terry and Arlene got these jackets after their house burned down, but I love them. Terry in this Member's Only jacket, comforting his pet armadillo? Priceless. And Arlene's crocheted hoodie looks nice and cozy, the sort of thing you'd want to wrap yourself up in after your possibly-demon-spawn burns down your house.

Poor Luna. She finally decides to take the plunge and date Sam on the exact same day that the role of Sam is being played by his psychopath brother. When she was like, "I know this isn't a mistake!" could she hear the True Blood fans around the world shaking their heads and saying, "Oh honey."

I agree with Kim's call on this as outfit of the week. It's totally my #2 pick and was really cute, for the 0.5 seconds that she was wearing it. Poor her.

Not much to report about Jessica's outfit this week, since the only thing she wore was her Merlotte's uniform. I just wanted to point out how pretty she is. Look at her hair! She is GORGEOUS! That is like, Pretty Little Liars hair! And, considering she was possibly the only waitress at Merlotte's that night (Arlene and Holly busy with their house fires and Sookie fired), she seems remarkably composed.

And Eric wore the sleeveless hoodie and board shorts for the 50000th time in a row. I still love him, even if his outfit is tragic and his haircut is borderline tragic. Look at the puppydog eyes! Even the vampire king couldn't bring himself to kill such a cute little guy.

So Bill's a bad guy... or maybe not? And Eric's a good guy... for now. By next week, I predict that some of these roles will be even harder to differentiate, especially if Marnie starts necromancing all of the vampires.

Can't wait!

Me and the Devil - Part 1 of 2 - The Power of Christ Compels You!

Episode Synopsis - There's a whole lotta sinnin' goin' on. In other words, it's biz as per use in Bon Temps. Tommy killed his parents (oops), Tara's luvah finds out she's been lying about her identity, the vamps capture Marnie, Eric dreams of killing Sookie, while Jason dreams of getting it on with Jessica...and Hoyt? Meanwhile, Jesus and Lafayette go down Mexico way to pay a visit to Jesus' g-pa, Sookie gets a message from her g-ma to stay the hell away from Marnie, and Arlene and Terry get the least effective spirit-cleansing ever.

Let's start with the pure, the clean, the non-sinners. In other words, let's start with Sookie.

I know, you all love this dress.

I love it too. Unfortunately, it was custom-made by the TB wardrobe crew. Unless you've got mad sewing skills, it will remain but a dream.

Oh, that reminds me - Eric has this dream where he Godric feast on Sookie's delectable neck, but I'm more interested in her dream sleepwear. Look at that wee little giraffe print! And the fuchsia bow!

In real life, her sleepwear is no where near as adorable. In fact, it's heinous. Ladies, do not wear crap like this to bed. You deserve pretty, sexy PJs.

Speaking of sexy, hello Alcide! I have no fashion commentary for this photo. I just though you all might like to see it.

I also don't have much to say about Arlene's camo velour track suit. It's just so many trends that I don't like, all wrapped in one. Snaps for the shot of color with the pink lace, though.

I grabbed this pic not so much for Arlene's slightly dowdy dress, but for Baby Mikey's sweet little Newsies get-up. He might be an evil baby, but he's a stylish evil baby.

Unlike dear old dad. I get that Terry tried, and I applaud him for that. But...just...no.

And what were we all dressing up for? Why for the rootin-est, tootin-est exorcism in these here parts!

Seriously, you guys can not wear pink and sing peppy songs to drive out the devil. You need to wear heavy robes and chant Latin incantations. I know. I saw The Exorcist, and it totally worked.

The Bellefleur-Fowlers do seem to feel better, though. And look at that futuristic bedding! You know, I heard that sleeping on a satin pillowcase is good for your hair. Reduces breakage. That seems like the sort of thing Arlene would know.

Hoyt and Jason hash out the events of the past few days of a spot of breakfast. I'm digging Hoyt's bold stripe shirt. It's a welcome change from plaid.

So is this purple and red pinstriped shirt. Two dapper shirts in one episode? No wonder Jason is dreaming about him!

At first I was disappointed by Jesus's ho-hum striped shirt, but then he put on the fedora and I was all squeeee! I love this hat even more than Baby Mikey's.

All that (snakeskin) luggage, Lafayette? For just a short trip?

Bitch, please. I've got a parka in here.

Oh. So you do. Carry on, then.

¡Hola, abuelo! Here he is, both past and present. Looks like he's ready to kick some culo in either decade.

Also ready to kick ass/take names? Naomi, who wants to kick Tara's ass for taking the name "Toni" and lying about it. I like her tissue-weight tank. Casual, but sexy. Good for pouting. Well played.

Oh hi, Marnie! Hey, you might want to change into something more comfortable, because you're about to go to Vampire jail. What's that? You're already wearing a free-flowing and non-constrictive baggy dress? Well, I guess the only thing to do is protect your neck. Whoops, looks like you've got that covered, too. You think of everything. Except how to reverse spells.

Oh hi, Sam. Thanks for pulling out the obligatory plaid. We almost went plaid-less in this recap. Love the rugged jacket and distressed jeans, too. You wear the Country Boy look well.