I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 1 of 2 - Vamps and Vamp Related Things

Episode Synopsis:  Is it just me or are drunk vampires, like, totally awesome? After dining on Sookie’s fairy godmother, Claudine, Eric is adorably tipsy and immune to sunlight... for a little bit. Luckily, Alcide was around to help Sookie find Eric before he burnt like any meal I’ve ever tried to cook ever. But even luckier for us, Alcide took his top off! It’s the little things (or in this case, incredibly chiseled things) that make us happy. So while Eric is an emotional roller coaster, Nan is putting the pressure on Bill, as Pam does likewise to Tara, Jesus, LaFayette and Rhiannon- I mean, Marni. On top of all of that strong arming, Sam shows up at Luna’s house to find out she has a ridiculously cute daughter, Arlene deals with her murder baby, and Tommy finds out that Melinda isn’t exactly a mother hen.

My my, Bill Compton, aren’t we looking regal this evening? Or morning? I can never tell with you vampires. Here’s the thing about this suit: it’s fine if you’re the school superintendent, not a fabulously wealthy bloody vampire king. Emphasis on the royalty, OK? Bill, snap out of it. 

Ah, now that’s more like it - a chocolate brown suit and is that lavender I spy? Oh, with a matching pocket square! I’ve never been to the Deep South (even though I’ve always thought about visiting), and I would assume that being a king of anything down there would equate to pimp status. Hence, this outfit. I approve - and I remember when saying “pimp” was slang for “fashionable” or “ballin’”. Yikes.

OMG it’s Mona! Or Mrs. Tate! Or Grandma Bellefleur! Pick your poison... and high fives to anyone who gets all three television references. If you’ve ever wanted to see a Southern dame, check this B out. That scarf is amazeatron9000 and coupling it with a three-stringed pearl necklace is pretty much the height of Southern elegance. Blanche Deveraux, eat your heart out.

“Just banging my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever granddaughter LOL.”

 “He totes is, G-ma. U mad bro?”

 Seriously, Bill, I’d check up on stuff like that before you start throwing your cat everywhere. Who do you think you are? A were-panther?

Although, in this stunning satin sapphire top, Portia does look amazing. Man, that was a total alliteration win. Anyway, I find it interesting that she belted the top. Well, not so much interesting as annoying. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I’m getting kind of tired with the belted everything these days. Unless she’s using that to whip Katerina later. That broad really grinds my gears.

Now, here’s the thing about True Blood fashions - they repeat. A lot. Mostly because the show runs in relative real time i.e. this episode picks up right where the previous one ended. Other episodes only show a day or two passing in True Blood (at most) in between real world airings. Get what I’m saying? No? Basically: I’m not posting a photo of Eric in the sleeveless hoody and basketballs shorts again. It’s done, people!

What I will post is Eric Northman, topless, swimming in the sunlight, yelling at alligators in an ancient Norse language. 

Seeing that this is my first recap, I’m going to point out my first beef with this season: Eric’s hair. What. The. Hell? I’m seeing an awkward bowl cut mixed with Gareth from The Office BBC multiplied by humidity. This is one of the hottest men on the show and he’s got a haircut that makes him look like your dorky younger brother in the throes of puberty? No way, yo.

In case you were wondering why Nan Flanagan is head of the American Vampire League, check this out. Head to toe leather, a tight hair bun, streetwalking red lipstick and that necklace that says, “I’m prim and proper but if you’re into some slap and tickle, I’m down”. Oh, the shoulder pads - of course they’re there. Nan, you’re a powerhouse. 

Now, out of this group shot, can you tell which one is the vampire?

That’s right, the one with the hip cocked out and the boots that go on for days. No surprise here, it’s Pam. However, I am a bit surprised she decided to wear this for the spell reversal party. I would have thought that any backup dancer from Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition” tour would store their costume in a special place.

Finally, we come back to Sookie Stackhouse a.k.a. I’m a plague on Bon Temps and I probably should have moved years ago to save them the heartache of losing loved ones every summer television season. At least you look banging in these shorts. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen you in anything other than shorts, save for the odd dress here and there. Whatevs, you look cute.

Such a cute little hoody! Even if it is nearly the same green as on a Merlotte’s waitress t-shirt. I guess you stick with what you know, right Sook? Considering recent our roundtable on Pretty Little Liars' Aria’s sartorial choices, I find it hilariously frustrating that Sookie’s hoody is cropped. Girl, if it’s that warm in Bon Temps that you don’t want to wear a full hoody - how about you don’t wear one at all? Hmm?

OK, so Arlene doesn’t really have much to do with the vampire and vampire related friends in this episode. She’s also in this episode for less than 5 minutes so I needed to try and balance the entries. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole “demon baby/possessed doll/or is it something else?” sub-plot that’s going on, but these teaser scenes just drive me crazy. But so does Arlene’s hair.

If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'? - Part 1 of 2 - Bad boys (and girls)

Episode Synopsis: We begin right where we left off last week, with Sookie running into Amnesiac Erik. Erik isn't sure who she is, but knows she smells good and can sense she's really helpful. Sookie isn't sure if Erik really has amnesia or is playing a long con, but knows he looks really cute with his hair tousled like that. Long story short, she takes him home. When Pam finds out where he is, she rushes to his side and advises Sookie to keep him hidden from the witches. Sookie tries to pawn him off on Alcide (who is now living with Debbie, who is no longer trying to kill Sookie), but eventually relents and lets him stay with her.

Meanwhile, Lafayette and Tara are both terrified that their PTSD vamp nightmares will come true again when Erik finds out their involvement with the witch group. This causes Lafayette to run down to Fangtasia, where he's captured by Pam, then freed by a kick-ass, gun-toting Tara (and Jesus). Bill advises Jessica to come clean to Hoyt, which she does, but he gets so upset she winds up glamouring him to forget all about it. Meanwhile, Bill and Portia start sleeping together. Tommy wants to sell Maxine's house (which is on a lucrative natural gas deposit) without telling her, but Sam is having none of that. Oh, and shirtless Jason's still being held captive by the hillbilly were-panthers, who are all fully committed to making him the new "Ghost Daddy" for their clan.

In Bon Temps, sometimes it's hard to tell who's a good guy. But the bad guys always make themselves pretty obvious. Cast in point, the fangtastic Pam!

She starts off the episode in last week's AMAZING red sequin dress with the one gigantic shoulder pad. This is seriously like something that Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms would have rocked back in the day. Nobody else but Pam could have pulled this off with red sheer pantyhose, but Pam is one of a kind.

And then? She slides into this little number:

Yes, those are full-on SPIKES ON HER SHOULDERS. No studded denim for this vamp. Does she always have fierce shoulders? Is that a psychological statement about how nobody can mess with her?

I don't even care that this is a denim pantsuit/thing:

This is my favourite outfit of the week (I'll get to the floral cardigan look Kim chose in the mini-recap in the next part)

Also being bad this week? This poor shmuck:

We never learn his name, but he's the poor guy with the misfortune to have had his fangbanger encounter filmed for YouTube. And then Bill totally has him killed, to send a message.

Oh, King Bill. Sad to say, that puts you in this week's naughty list...

Blecch. He looks like a mid-80s Wall Street banker, in a totally boring suit for his date with Portia. I guess he felt he needed to take over being Vampire King, but I think he had a lot more fun just being Mr. Sookie.

Oh, and Portia totally goes on the bad girl list, partially because it was so hard to get a good screencap of her dress:

Trust me, it was cute, though. And I would have put up a screencap of the nightie she wore when she and Bill were going at it, but that would be veering into NSFW territory. Trust me, though, both her outfits were very silky-looking and adorable.

Unlike heinous Crystal and the rest of the hillbilly were-panther clan:

I like this sweater, I guess? It looks OK with the floral sundress, but this is far from her most memorable look this week.

Yeah, that would be this. Is she attempting rag curls? But her hair is never curly, so what is she doing?

Seriously, WHAT IS SHE DOING? She could take lessons from Maxine:

(Maxine isn't really on the bad girls list, unless you count her obsessive collecting of Marie Osmond dolls from the Home Shopping Network. But she's here mostly to show Crystal how to properly use HAIR CURLERS.) Thank you Maxine. You can go, now.

Oh, and then Crystal also had this look. But I think we were mostly focused on the creepy ladies-in-waiting observing this Mexican-Viagra-induced werepanther rape of poor Jason Stackhouse.

Stay strong, Jason!

Poor guy. Not anything new to report on the Jason-fashion front, either. His same plaid shirt is now even more beaten up (along with his entire torso). Hopefully he can make his escape sometime soon and go home to change into one of his trusty tees.

Jessica was also working a plaid shirt this week, covering up her Fangtasia-walk-of-shame bustier look from last week:

And honourable mention this week goes to Jessica's gorgeous, flawless liquid eyeliner:

It's like this rich chocolatey brown and it looks AMAZING on her. Here it is again:

And her hair is always so shiny and pretty. Too bad she's messing Hoyt over so badly.

I'm not sure yet whether or not the witches belong on the naughty or nice list for this show. Their fashion, however, belongs fully on the hot mess list. Behold their leader, Marni:

I mean, this is a very believable look for a middle-aged lady who's into Wiccan stuff. But I'm used to my True Blood magic people dressed a bit less crunchy-granola hippie style. She did wear these fierce rings, though, which gets a few points for style:

Nice rings, and I would like to congratulate myself for going screen-by-screen after she just SLICED OPEN HER VEIN just so I could get this nice shot to share with y'all. Taking screencaps on True Blood can be risky business, especially when you're dealing with the bad girls.

[Thanks, Ann. We appreciate your commitment to the job - Jen]

I live to serve.