Spellbound - part 2 of 2 - Team Leather

We found out this week that Marcus is Luna's crazy werewolf ex. I guess that isn't a total surprise, since there aren't that many werewolves on the show, and we already knew Marcus is crazy. But still... gross.

As if the greasy hair and the greasy beard weren't enough, he's combining a denim shirt with a leather jacket? And with a bonus undershirt of greasy chest hair? I'd say Sam is quite the upgrade in the man department, even bearing in mind his slightly insane skinwalker brother...

Yeah, I'm talking about you, Tommy. However, I have to give him credit for his Maxine disguise. Everything was believable apart from the telltale spiky bangs hairdo that we all associate with Tommy:

Nice try. But Maxine, for all her faults, always has her hair in a flawless, hairsprayed helmet:

She's like, "Would anybody believe that I would allow that dissheveled hairdo anywhere near this head? Hell, no!" Also, I like how she's in purple-in-purple and the news reporter is in blue-on-blue. That would look nice on the local news.

Also looking nice on the local news? Bill, who has taken my suit-wearing advice to heart and shows up in a total Don Draper-inspired look (maybe he's been shopping the new Mad Men collection at Banana Republic?)

Check out the crease on his trousers. Flawless. He's clearly presenting the new, more handsome, less scary public face of vampires. Not sure about the tie though.

Bill changes back into his same mandarin-collar black leather jacket for the big showdown with Marnie/Antonia, which is apparently part of the dress code for season-ending, late-night cemetary showdowns.

Seriously. I have to assume that in an unaired scene, everybody in attendance at the cemetary battle was told to wear leather jackets. Check it:

1) Marnie's very cute fitted leather jacket with lots of stitch detailing:

2) Pam's leather jacket of spiked, studded badassery:

and 3) Tara's leather jacket of meh:

Why did Bill get Pam to stop killing Tara? Out of loyalty to Sookie?

Maybe he has plans to help her improve her wardrobe, because girlfriend has got to get it together. Cargo skinny khakis and a pink cammo shirt? For reals?

How is this woman related to Lafayette, who so consistently hits it out of the park? Where did she buy that top? Does anybody care?

Other unnamed members of Marnie's coven get kick-ass looks like this:

Can this girl be Sookie's new BFF next season?

And to my great despair, there was no Shirtless Alcide this week. There was Alcide wearing his same yummy caramel jacket from last week, while being so sweet to Debbie (WHO DOES NOT DESERVE HIM).

Like, is that acidwash she's got on? Run, Alcide!

By far, though, the best moment of the episode was when Alcide swept in through the fog with his big shoulders and his handsome face to carry Sookie off to safety.

If Sookie continues to ignore his RED HOT HOTNESS after this rescue, I don't know what to think. Why hang out with amnesiac Eric when you've got Alcide, in all his hotness, throwing himself at you? Pretty tough life, being Sookie Stackhouse.

Oh wait, she totally got shot this week. I guess it is kind of tough. Still... wake up and smell the werewolf!

I Wish I Was the Moon - Part 1 of 2 - Dark side of the moon

Episode Synopsis: You guys, what didn't happen this week? It's a full moon, so maybe that's why everything went to crazy town. Bill arrests Eric and gets permission to kill him, but then Eric's heartfelt speech about Sookie changes Bill's mind. While in vamp jail, Eric sees what remains of rotting Pam, who horrifies him with her glowing description of the monster he used to be. Jason is convinced he's going to turn into a werepanther, and is comforted first by Sookie and then by Jessica to the point that he's almost disappointed not to shift. Lafayette and Jesus visit Abuelo de los Creepy who gives them some sort of protection that includes Jesus getting bit by a rattlesnake and Lafayette temporarily possessed by some other Mayan dude. In vamp jail, Marnie summons the spirit of the dead Spanish witch, and then goes all necromancy on her jail guard - who was one of the Spanish witch's tormentors back in the day. Tommy takes over Sam's body and a) fires Sookie, b) has sex with Luna, c) collapses in a pile of his own vomit. And Arlene and Terry's house burns down, thanks either to evil baby or the evil doll (maybe both?). And Baby Mikey gets a vision of Tiana from Princess and the Frog, or something.

Whew. What a week! There was so much action, almost nobody had time to think about their clothes. Which was a good thing and a bad thing, depending on who you're looking at. Someone who was much too busy to think about fashion this week was Pam, without a doubt.

Oh, sweetie. Whatever Marnie did to Pam is probably the worst imaginable punishment for a fab lady like this. Without her good looks, Pam is quite literally lost. She doesn't even take off this sheet until Eric (reluctantly) commands her to.

That being said, and despite her disfiguring facial condition, Pam is working it with everything she's got here. It's hard to see exactly what she's wearing, but I think I'm seeing an ankle-length black turtleneck dress and black leather gloves. One of the great things about True Blood is that everybody wears the same thing a few weeks in a row, so you can really get a good look at it.

For instance, has Marnie been wearing this green velvet dress for the last few episodes? If so, why didn't I notice until today that it's covered in kind of a velour paisley print? That print would look very nice on a throw pillow or something. And I wouldn't mind borrowing the chain belt.

Oh, hey there, Tommy-shifted-to-look-like-Sam. He was just getting dressed like any other day, putting on a plaid shirt, when suddenly he TURNED INTO SAM. Let this be a warning to the other men of Bon Temps: if you keep wearing plaid shirts, one day you will become Sam. A definite argument in favour of changing your wardrobe every now and then.

How much do I love that the show kept in that little Skype "boop boop beep!" sound when Bill called Nan. It's nice to see that even the undead enjoy free video conferencing. Nan's top here is either a silk blouse or some kind of silk blazer. Either way, she looks classy and quite businesslike, while still stylish...

... unlike Hoyt's Mom, who looks like trashy and mismatched, while still tragic. The Hawaiian print button-down? The pink appliqued tank? The frosted green eyeshadow? While her words (said to Sam, who was really Tommy) were extremely cruel, it's really no loss for Hoyt or Tommy that she's cut them out of her life. Good riddance, lady.

Another character who I hope we'll be saying "good riddance" to sometime soon is Debbie. Not just because of her Sookie-hating past, but also because of her Momsen-esque eye makeup and this hot mess of a sundress.

Maybe Sookie hates her so much, she's blacklisted her from all of the really cute sundress stores, so this is all that was left? What does Alcide see in her, seriously? What is this hold she has over him? It's really a shame Alcide is a werewolf, because he's so much better than the company he keeps.

King Bill also seems pretty unhappy hanging with vamps all the time. Also: I am tired of his 1980s Wall Street approach to suits. Get a DVD of Mad Men, watch it, and learn about how suits don't have to be SO BORING.

At the end of the episode, he threw a black leather jacket on top of his blue button-down to go brood out on his front porch. He finally looks like his old self again, here. I think it just kills him to see Sookie and Eric hanging out, and, like Eric suggested, he really does still love Sookie.

I have two picks for outfit of the week The first goes to Mysetry Lady, who may or may not be a human version of Tiana from "The princess and the frog."

I'm sorry to always be making these Disney comparisons but seriously. We don't know who this friendly ghost lady is, but we do know that she saved Baby Mikey from the fire, she's seriously gorgeous, and her cream-coloured vintage dress is to die for (pardon the pun).

Outfit of the week, right there, folks.

Me and the Devil - Part 2 of 2 - A Vulgar Display of Power

I honestly can't do any better than Bill's beekeeper comment.

Yeesh. No wonder she's upset. Maybe a little pop of color would detract from the rotting face? Perhaps a fun bow or a statement necklace?

While Pam is sinking into zombieland, Bill is looking kingly in his pinstripe suit with coordinating tie and pocket square. All hail the King!

And he takes off the jacket while glamouring Marnie. I guess to be less threatening? More "I'm here to help you" and less "I'm here to kill you"? So thoughtful, that Bill. That's the mark of a good leader.

After glamouring Marnie, Bill has a little meeting with his Sheriffs. Sheriff on the left looks like he should be out inventing the next Facebook, whereas I'd like to talk to the Sheriff on the right about stock portfolio options.

Yeah, only two of these guys look like they're ready to take care of Vamp biz, and it's neither the banker nor the hacker.

Godric, welcome back from prep school! How'd the lacrosse team do this season? Smashing. Let's have a brandy in the study and decide if you're going to Dartmouth or Yale.

I'm putting Tara in this group 'cause she done sinned! Don't you know you're not supposed to lie about your identity to your new lesbian girlfriend?

Although, her fashion crimes are minimal. The hoodie above is blah, but I like the purple shoe laces and the flattering purple t-shirt with big hoops. Also the sweet braid in her hair reminds us that she's not 100% cage fighter. Yet.

These ladies, however, belong in fashion jail. Sure it's the 1600s, and they're probably poor, and it's the fashion of the day, and etc, etc. Whatever. I'm not buying it. Are these not witches? Can they not conjure up some better threads? As an aside, is it just me, or does the witch on the right look like she's just chillin'? That sprawled-out body language makes me think she's not too concerned about what's to come. Ladies, I think you have a mole in your midst!

I don't trust Jessica, either. Although props to Jason for getting the fantasy so detailed that he even gave her a nice manicure.

Nor do I trust Eric, who's still wearing Jason's hoodie and board shorts.

The borrowing from Jason isn't what really disturbs me, though. It's his increasing resemblance to Gareth from the UK version of The Office. I can only think about one TV show at a time.

...but apparently Sookie can multi-task. Either that, or they don't get BBC America in Bon Temps.

I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 1 of 2 - Vamps and Vamp Related Things

Episode Synopsis:  Is it just me or are drunk vampires, like, totally awesome? After dining on Sookie’s fairy godmother, Claudine, Eric is adorably tipsy and immune to sunlight... for a little bit. Luckily, Alcide was around to help Sookie find Eric before he burnt like any meal I’ve ever tried to cook ever. But even luckier for us, Alcide took his top off! It’s the little things (or in this case, incredibly chiseled things) that make us happy. So while Eric is an emotional roller coaster, Nan is putting the pressure on Bill, as Pam does likewise to Tara, Jesus, LaFayette and Rhiannon- I mean, Marni. On top of all of that strong arming, Sam shows up at Luna’s house to find out she has a ridiculously cute daughter, Arlene deals with her murder baby, and Tommy finds out that Melinda isn’t exactly a mother hen.

My my, Bill Compton, aren’t we looking regal this evening? Or morning? I can never tell with you vampires. Here’s the thing about this suit: it’s fine if you’re the school superintendent, not a fabulously wealthy bloody vampire king. Emphasis on the royalty, OK? Bill, snap out of it. 

Ah, now that’s more like it - a chocolate brown suit and is that lavender I spy? Oh, with a matching pocket square! I’ve never been to the Deep South (even though I’ve always thought about visiting), and I would assume that being a king of anything down there would equate to pimp status. Hence, this outfit. I approve - and I remember when saying “pimp” was slang for “fashionable” or “ballin’”. Yikes.

OMG it’s Mona! Or Mrs. Tate! Or Grandma Bellefleur! Pick your poison... and high fives to anyone who gets all three television references. If you’ve ever wanted to see a Southern dame, check this B out. That scarf is amazeatron9000 and coupling it with a three-stringed pearl necklace is pretty much the height of Southern elegance. Blanche Deveraux, eat your heart out.

“Just banging my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever granddaughter LOL.”

 “He totes is, G-ma. U mad bro?”

 Seriously, Bill, I’d check up on stuff like that before you start throwing your cat everywhere. Who do you think you are? A were-panther?

Although, in this stunning satin sapphire top, Portia does look amazing. Man, that was a total alliteration win. Anyway, I find it interesting that she belted the top. Well, not so much interesting as annoying. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I’m getting kind of tired with the belted everything these days. Unless she’s using that to whip Katerina later. That broad really grinds my gears.

Now, here’s the thing about True Blood fashions - they repeat. A lot. Mostly because the show runs in relative real time i.e. this episode picks up right where the previous one ended. Other episodes only show a day or two passing in True Blood (at most) in between real world airings. Get what I’m saying? No? Basically: I’m not posting a photo of Eric in the sleeveless hoody and basketballs shorts again. It’s done, people!

What I will post is Eric Northman, topless, swimming in the sunlight, yelling at alligators in an ancient Norse language. 

Seeing that this is my first recap, I’m going to point out my first beef with this season: Eric’s hair. What. The. Hell? I’m seeing an awkward bowl cut mixed with Gareth from The Office BBC multiplied by humidity. This is one of the hottest men on the show and he’s got a haircut that makes him look like your dorky younger brother in the throes of puberty? No way, yo.

In case you were wondering why Nan Flanagan is head of the American Vampire League, check this out. Head to toe leather, a tight hair bun, streetwalking red lipstick and that necklace that says, “I’m prim and proper but if you’re into some slap and tickle, I’m down”. Oh, the shoulder pads - of course they’re there. Nan, you’re a powerhouse. 

Now, out of this group shot, can you tell which one is the vampire?

That’s right, the one with the hip cocked out and the boots that go on for days. No surprise here, it’s Pam. However, I am a bit surprised she decided to wear this for the spell reversal party. I would have thought that any backup dancer from Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition” tour would store their costume in a special place.

Finally, we come back to Sookie Stackhouse a.k.a. I’m a plague on Bon Temps and I probably should have moved years ago to save them the heartache of losing loved ones every summer television season. At least you look banging in these shorts. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen you in anything other than shorts, save for the odd dress here and there. Whatevs, you look cute.

Such a cute little hoody! Even if it is nearly the same green as on a Merlotte’s waitress t-shirt. I guess you stick with what you know, right Sook? Considering recent our roundtable on Pretty Little Liars' Aria’s sartorial choices, I find it hilariously frustrating that Sookie’s hoody is cropped. Girl, if it’s that warm in Bon Temps that you don’t want to wear a full hoody - how about you don’t wear one at all? Hmm?

OK, so Arlene doesn’t really have much to do with the vampire and vampire related friends in this episode. She’s also in this episode for less than 5 minutes so I needed to try and balance the entries. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole “demon baby/possessed doll/or is it something else?” sub-plot that’s going on, but these teaser scenes just drive me crazy. But so does Arlene’s hair.

If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'? - Part 1 of 2 - Bad boys (and girls)

Episode Synopsis: We begin right where we left off last week, with Sookie running into Amnesiac Erik. Erik isn't sure who she is, but knows she smells good and can sense she's really helpful. Sookie isn't sure if Erik really has amnesia or is playing a long con, but knows he looks really cute with his hair tousled like that. Long story short, she takes him home. When Pam finds out where he is, she rushes to his side and advises Sookie to keep him hidden from the witches. Sookie tries to pawn him off on Alcide (who is now living with Debbie, who is no longer trying to kill Sookie), but eventually relents and lets him stay with her.

Meanwhile, Lafayette and Tara are both terrified that their PTSD vamp nightmares will come true again when Erik finds out their involvement with the witch group. This causes Lafayette to run down to Fangtasia, where he's captured by Pam, then freed by a kick-ass, gun-toting Tara (and Jesus). Bill advises Jessica to come clean to Hoyt, which she does, but he gets so upset she winds up glamouring him to forget all about it. Meanwhile, Bill and Portia start sleeping together. Tommy wants to sell Maxine's house (which is on a lucrative natural gas deposit) without telling her, but Sam is having none of that. Oh, and shirtless Jason's still being held captive by the hillbilly were-panthers, who are all fully committed to making him the new "Ghost Daddy" for their clan.

In Bon Temps, sometimes it's hard to tell who's a good guy. But the bad guys always make themselves pretty obvious. Cast in point, the fangtastic Pam!

She starts off the episode in last week's AMAZING red sequin dress with the one gigantic shoulder pad. This is seriously like something that Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms would have rocked back in the day. Nobody else but Pam could have pulled this off with red sheer pantyhose, but Pam is one of a kind.

And then? She slides into this little number:

Yes, those are full-on SPIKES ON HER SHOULDERS. No studded denim for this vamp. Does she always have fierce shoulders? Is that a psychological statement about how nobody can mess with her?

I don't even care that this is a denim pantsuit/thing:

This is my favourite outfit of the week (I'll get to the floral cardigan look Kim chose in the mini-recap in the next part)

Also being bad this week? This poor shmuck:

We never learn his name, but he's the poor guy with the misfortune to have had his fangbanger encounter filmed for YouTube. And then Bill totally has him killed, to send a message.

Oh, King Bill. Sad to say, that puts you in this week's naughty list...

Blecch. He looks like a mid-80s Wall Street banker, in a totally boring suit for his date with Portia. I guess he felt he needed to take over being Vampire King, but I think he had a lot more fun just being Mr. Sookie.

Oh, and Portia totally goes on the bad girl list, partially because it was so hard to get a good screencap of her dress:

Trust me, it was cute, though. And I would have put up a screencap of the nightie she wore when she and Bill were going at it, but that would be veering into NSFW territory. Trust me, though, both her outfits were very silky-looking and adorable.

Unlike heinous Crystal and the rest of the hillbilly were-panther clan:

I like this sweater, I guess? It looks OK with the floral sundress, but this is far from her most memorable look this week.

Yeah, that would be this. Is she attempting rag curls? But her hair is never curly, so what is she doing?

Seriously, WHAT IS SHE DOING? She could take lessons from Maxine:

(Maxine isn't really on the bad girls list, unless you count her obsessive collecting of Marie Osmond dolls from the Home Shopping Network. But she's here mostly to show Crystal how to properly use HAIR CURLERS.) Thank you Maxine. You can go, now.

Oh, and then Crystal also had this look. But I think we were mostly focused on the creepy ladies-in-waiting observing this Mexican-Viagra-induced werepanther rape of poor Jason Stackhouse.

Stay strong, Jason!

Poor guy. Not anything new to report on the Jason-fashion front, either. His same plaid shirt is now even more beaten up (along with his entire torso). Hopefully he can make his escape sometime soon and go home to change into one of his trusty tees.

Jessica was also working a plaid shirt this week, covering up her Fangtasia-walk-of-shame bustier look from last week:

And honourable mention this week goes to Jessica's gorgeous, flawless liquid eyeliner:

It's like this rich chocolatey brown and it looks AMAZING on her. Here it is again:

And her hair is always so shiny and pretty. Too bad she's messing Hoyt over so badly.

I'm not sure yet whether or not the witches belong on the naughty or nice list for this show. Their fashion, however, belongs fully on the hot mess list. Behold their leader, Marni:

I mean, this is a very believable look for a middle-aged lady who's into Wiccan stuff. But I'm used to my True Blood magic people dressed a bit less crunchy-granola hippie style. She did wear these fierce rings, though, which gets a few points for style:

Nice rings, and I would like to congratulate myself for going screen-by-screen after she just SLICED OPEN HER VEIN just so I could get this nice shot to share with y'all. Taking screencaps on True Blood can be risky business, especially when you're dealing with the bad girls.

[Thanks, Ann. We appreciate your commitment to the job - Jen]

I live to serve.