And When I Die - Part 1 of 2 - Sinners

Episode Synopsis: Listen, y'all, this season finale was so cuh-RAY-zee that I don't even know where to start. Lafayette, possessed by Marni, tortures Jesus until he gives up his super-strong-Mexican-juju-magic, and then kills him. Jason tells Hoyt that he slept with Jessica, and Hoyt beats the crap out of him. Alcide has kicked Debbie out for good and asks Sookie (in a very roundabout way) if she will consider being with him so they can stay out of trouble together. Sookie turns him down, and then tells Eric and Bill that she can't choose either of them, either. For those of you keeping track, that's THREE hot men she turned down this episode. Bill and Eric murder Nan Flanagan and her guards, Alcide discovers that a vamp (Russell Edgington?) has broken free from his concrete prison, and Jason is visited by Vamp!Reverend Newlin. Ghost René warns Arlene that Terry and his old army pal are nothing but trouble. Sookie, Tara, and Holly call on Bon Temps spirits for help with Marni/Lafayette, and Antonia and Gran (!!!) appear to bring Marni to the other side. Debbie shows up to kill Sookie with a shotgun, but Tara jumps in the way and gets blasted. Sookie then shoots Debbie in the neck (ouch) before realizing that Tara is really not ok. And now, all I can say is "WHAT?!"

Lafayette is possessed by Marni. He is also possessed with a fierceness that mere mortals generally don't experience.

Please experience now his fierce kimono. I'm not digging the yellow track pants, but I love the kimono. Did Marni inherit some fashion sense when she took over his body??

GASP. Apparently not.

What IS that? I'll tell you. That is a muumuu, my friends. A MUUMUU. Lafayette probably owns the muumuu for comical, sassy, just-lyin-around-the-house purposes... either that or Marni possessed Lafayette and after killing Jesus (sob) made straight for the nearest hippie store for a shopping spree. Yikes, y'all.

King Bill has an unending supply of tailored suits. I like the gray tie on this one though...

...but as we all know, Bill and Eric are at their best when they're chained up to a stake and mostly naked. Well, maybe not chained to a stake. But definitely the mostly naked bit. Definitely.

Also, of COURSE poor Ginger went as a sexy nurse for Halloween. It's appropriate because she's been taking care of poor Pamsicle all season while Eric's been out tooting around with Sookie and fighting witches. Ginger probably only has one Halloween costume, actually, come to think of it.

Speaking of people with only one outfit.... Alcide is wearing the same plaid shirt we saw him in like six episodes ago. Sigh. Buddy, when are you gonna learn? Sookie isn't attracted to flannel. We all remember how well Sam fared with that tactic season 1.

Unfortunately, Hoyt is not doing so well either... Granted, these are his work duds, but when you look at what heartbroken Hoyt is wearing versus what Jason is wearing... you kinda can't blame Jess. Really.

Purrrrrrrr. So casual. So yummy.

And later on, a lil more skin from Mr. Stackhouse. Yes, please.

Jess shows up on Halloween lookin' like a sessy Little Red Riding Hood, and if Jason thought he would get away with being a Good Guy and Doing The Right Thing By Making Her Leave Without Them Doing Anything, he was sorely mistaken.

Booya.

Nan shows up in her biker bitchy glory, with a new leather jacket, a new armed and armored entourage, and a paranoia to rival ol' Russell's back in season 3.... But Bill and Eric don't want no revolution, so they cut the guards' heads off and stake the heck outta Nan.

Gross. Can't believe they finally took her out. As Eric said: "What a bitch."

Burning Down The House - Part 1 of 2 - Yeah, We Totally Hate UV Rays

Episode Synopsis: Damn girl, I leave Bon Temps for a few weeks and suddenly the whole bloody state is in chaos? In a move that I would venture Ray Charles could have seen coming, Marnie busts up the Tolerance Rally to disastrous results. But never fear, Sookie’s magic flashlight powers saved the day again - and put Eric back to normal! Sad days, right? Well, sort of, except he still loves Sookie. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Bill is seething with rage and gathers a little vampire A-Team to take care of Marnie. For goods, y’all. In other news, Sam is pissed yet adorable, Alcide is pissed yet handsome, Tara is pissed yet sassy, Lafayette is pissed yet anxious, Jesus is not pissed but curious, Jason is pissed yet regretful, Jessica is pissed yet... pissed? Basically, everybody is at their breaking point. Except Tommy, who’s gone home to Jesus.

We'll have more on Marnie in the next section, but pay close attention to that belt she's wearing. Note: it's over the leather jacket. Over. The leather jacket. Like, not in the, "I am SO over this jacket" kind of way, but physically worn on the outside of the jacket. What possessed you to do this, Marni? Don't go blaming Antonia for making you look like a soccer mom in crisis. 

Eric Mallory Northman - you’ve ruined a perfectly good henley! Since when is white OK for vampires, anyway? Shouldn’t you be decked out in your finest black leathers? At least he has the shoulders to fill it out. When I try to wear a henley, it looks like a burlap sack on a rake. 

Ladies and gentlemen, the Jackie O of vampires across America, Ms. Nan Flanagan. *hold for applause*

I like to imagine that this is the face Nan made when she realized her wardrobe would not consist of weirdly fashionable bondage garb this week. Power pearls and a presedential blazer? Are you for real real? Don't get me wrong, I love the look but for someone as tough as Nan, the pink blazer with black piping seems, oh I don't know, insincere?

Pam? Is that you? Sorry, forgive my rudeness, it's just that... I can't see any cleavage. I suppose this photo just proves that everyone owns at least one tracksuit they use to keep casual. Fine and dandy, but don't get used to it sister. I need my weekly fix of sex and anger.

Wow. If this is what humans look like just before they passionately yell at their boyfriend to not murder their ex-boyfriend, then I’ve got to stop pitting my exes against each other. Sookie’s hoodie is pretty cute... almost a little too cute. Honey, you’ve seen more death in four seasons of True Blood than most characters see in an entire series. Maybe it’s time we graduate from heart-print fabrics, hm? What’s wrong with a basic black? 

Although, I will give Sookie points for rocking some classic red Vans. Hotness.com/relevant. Maybe this is what a hipster looks like in Bon Temps? And don’t throw Lafayette in my face as a rebuttal - he’s not a hipster. That bitch is just fabulous. 

Perhaps the best part of the whole Tolerance Massacre was the little Southern belle trying to convince the murder machines that the fighting could stop.

“We’re your friends!” *slap*

Two things:

1. What’s with the bangs?
2. What’s with the bangs?

Was there a Little Miss Tolerance Pageant I don’t know about? If you and your friend weren’t wearing the same ruffled, floral top (that just made me vomit while I typed), I might have found you endearing.

While he might have been a mindless killing machine, I did think this vampire was cute. Especially when I realized that I have worn outfits eerily similar to what you see before you. Too bad I’m totally over olive green. I'm more over that colour than Marnie's belt is over her jacket.

I’m not really sure what to make of Bill’s take on Gordon Gecko these days. Of course the King has look dapper at all times, of which Bill is quite convincing, however I wouldn’t mind seeing his Highness in something a little more relaxed. Like a tank-top. Or no top at all. Watching him brood on this crocodile chair, however, is quite nice.

Alright, she might have just had a sexy romp in the back of a pickup truck, but at least Jessica was wearing this totes amaze sundress. I wish we could see more but this saucy little minx was too busy trading secrets in the dark, if you know what I mean. Think of it this way Jess, it could have been in the back of a car.

Now for the best part of the vampire contingent this week: the vampire A-Team! Reals, if this is how you dress when you’re about to whip some Wiccan ass, sign me up. Honestly guys, you’re not exactly dispelling any ideas people may have had about how cool it is to be a vampire. 

Let's Get Out of Here - Part 1 of 2 - The Cat's Meow

Episode Synopsis: Antonia's witches are starting to wonder what the real deal is with Marni's possession and Antonia's motives; there is a heckuva lot of bloodshed happening in Bon Temps this week and it's not just the vamps. Sookie survives the gunshot thanks to Alcide carrying her home and Bill feeding her his blood, which subsequently reawakens her feelings for him (y'know, cause that's what vamp blood does to ya). It pisses Alcide off that Sookie's worried about Eric (now under Antonia's spell hardcore and sent to kill Bill... hah. Kill bill!) so he peaces out to go be with Debbie, but Debbie's jealousy has hit a breaking point: she does a shot of V before offering to help Sookie fix whatever's going on with the witches to prove to Sookie that she's a good wolf now. Lafayette gets possessed by Princess Tiana (actual name: Mavis) and steals demon Baby Mikey, but Jason, Jesus and Andy track him down and talk him out of it, with a grand finale of Jesus performing an exorcism. Jess and Jason get down and dirty in the bed of a pickup truck, Luna and Sam get freaky in the forest on a camping trip, and Sookie has a naughty dream about both Bill AND Eric! Whooo boy, things are steaming up around here!

I simply must must MUST start this off with Sookie's dream sequence ensemble. Girlfriend is sporting a red silk or chiffon vintage-looking short robe that is TO DIE FOR and some serious black pumps. She needed the pumps, you see, to be tall enough for Eric to make out with her properly. Duh.

I mean, talk about just gorgeous. If I was having a dream about two guys like Bill and Eric... which I'm not saying I have or haven't... I would totally dream myself wearing something ridiculous and gorgeous like this.

Later on, however, Sookiepants cools off and wears cuffed denim, red Keds and a black hoodie from (I'm pretty sure) Delias. Like, Sookie, what gives? You're SO CUTE about 75% of the time, and then you pull something out of the closet that's definitely from your high school wardrobe. Maybe it's time to step those sundresses up a notch, babe.

Also conflicting? Jessica. She's miserable because Hoyt kicked her out and Jason showed no sympathy, but she's wearing great colors for her skin tone. The dress is cute, but for the first time in ages I believe she's got too much eyeliner and I'm not digging the straight hair completely... She looks weighed down. But I guess that's logical since she's super guilty about everything, including how badly she wants to jump Jason Stackhouse's bones. Yowza!

Nan Flanagan is taking a leaf out of Pamsicle's book with the motorcycle gang S&M vibe she has going on. The boots, jacket, and pants are sweet, and that slicked back hair is awesome.

Later, Nan does a complete 180 and shows up to the Tolerance Rally looking like a Stepford wife... a totally uncomfortable, bitchy Stepford wife. Pink is NOT your color, Nan.

King Bill wins at suits. That's all there is to it. Love the pocket square and tie. Love the cut of the suit. He's so darn DAPPER these days.

Back in Sookie's dream sequence of lurrrve, Bill wears something more like what he wore in seasons one and two: a henley-style undershirt and a plain leather jacket. Although he is still sporting his King Ring. Like a boss.

At the Tolerance Rally, Bill's Louisiana sheriffs (is that a good name for a country cover band or what?) look slightly more put together than the last time we saw them, but they're all still kind of vapid and two-dimensional as characters.

Jason looks pretty cute like all the time, so it's no wonder that he makes a ridiculously large belt buckle and a plain white t-shirt look good with normal jeans and a legit leather jacket. He's at war with his feelings for Jess and for his best friend Hoyt, yeah, but he's still the Resident Bon Temps Human Hottie. Respeck.

A shout-out goes to Sam, who sports a faded denim (possibly a pale chambray!) shirt on the camping trip with Luna and Emma, and looks like a glorious future stepdad in the process. Nicely done, sir!

I Wish I Was the Moon - Part 1 of 2 - Dark side of the moon

Episode Synopsis: You guys, what didn't happen this week? It's a full moon, so maybe that's why everything went to crazy town. Bill arrests Eric and gets permission to kill him, but then Eric's heartfelt speech about Sookie changes Bill's mind. While in vamp jail, Eric sees what remains of rotting Pam, who horrifies him with her glowing description of the monster he used to be. Jason is convinced he's going to turn into a werepanther, and is comforted first by Sookie and then by Jessica to the point that he's almost disappointed not to shift. Lafayette and Jesus visit Abuelo de los Creepy who gives them some sort of protection that includes Jesus getting bit by a rattlesnake and Lafayette temporarily possessed by some other Mayan dude. In vamp jail, Marnie summons the spirit of the dead Spanish witch, and then goes all necromancy on her jail guard - who was one of the Spanish witch's tormentors back in the day. Tommy takes over Sam's body and a) fires Sookie, b) has sex with Luna, c) collapses in a pile of his own vomit. And Arlene and Terry's house burns down, thanks either to evil baby or the evil doll (maybe both?). And Baby Mikey gets a vision of Tiana from Princess and the Frog, or something.

Whew. What a week! There was so much action, almost nobody had time to think about their clothes. Which was a good thing and a bad thing, depending on who you're looking at. Someone who was much too busy to think about fashion this week was Pam, without a doubt.

Oh, sweetie. Whatever Marnie did to Pam is probably the worst imaginable punishment for a fab lady like this. Without her good looks, Pam is quite literally lost. She doesn't even take off this sheet until Eric (reluctantly) commands her to.

That being said, and despite her disfiguring facial condition, Pam is working it with everything she's got here. It's hard to see exactly what she's wearing, but I think I'm seeing an ankle-length black turtleneck dress and black leather gloves. One of the great things about True Blood is that everybody wears the same thing a few weeks in a row, so you can really get a good look at it.

For instance, has Marnie been wearing this green velvet dress for the last few episodes? If so, why didn't I notice until today that it's covered in kind of a velour paisley print? That print would look very nice on a throw pillow or something. And I wouldn't mind borrowing the chain belt.

Oh, hey there, Tommy-shifted-to-look-like-Sam. He was just getting dressed like any other day, putting on a plaid shirt, when suddenly he TURNED INTO SAM. Let this be a warning to the other men of Bon Temps: if you keep wearing plaid shirts, one day you will become Sam. A definite argument in favour of changing your wardrobe every now and then.

How much do I love that the show kept in that little Skype "boop boop beep!" sound when Bill called Nan. It's nice to see that even the undead enjoy free video conferencing. Nan's top here is either a silk blouse or some kind of silk blazer. Either way, she looks classy and quite businesslike, while still stylish...

... unlike Hoyt's Mom, who looks like trashy and mismatched, while still tragic. The Hawaiian print button-down? The pink appliqued tank? The frosted green eyeshadow? While her words (said to Sam, who was really Tommy) were extremely cruel, it's really no loss for Hoyt or Tommy that she's cut them out of her life. Good riddance, lady.

Another character who I hope we'll be saying "good riddance" to sometime soon is Debbie. Not just because of her Sookie-hating past, but also because of her Momsen-esque eye makeup and this hot mess of a sundress.

Maybe Sookie hates her so much, she's blacklisted her from all of the really cute sundress stores, so this is all that was left? What does Alcide see in her, seriously? What is this hold she has over him? It's really a shame Alcide is a werewolf, because he's so much better than the company he keeps.

King Bill also seems pretty unhappy hanging with vamps all the time. Also: I am tired of his 1980s Wall Street approach to suits. Get a DVD of Mad Men, watch it, and learn about how suits don't have to be SO BORING.

At the end of the episode, he threw a black leather jacket on top of his blue button-down to go brood out on his front porch. He finally looks like his old self again, here. I think it just kills him to see Sookie and Eric hanging out, and, like Eric suggested, he really does still love Sookie.

I have two picks for outfit of the week The first goes to Mysetry Lady, who may or may not be a human version of Tiana from "The princess and the frog."

I'm sorry to always be making these Disney comparisons but seriously. We don't know who this friendly ghost lady is, but we do know that she saved Baby Mikey from the fire, she's seriously gorgeous, and her cream-coloured vintage dress is to die for (pardon the pun).

Outfit of the week, right there, folks.

I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 1 of 2 - Vamps and Vamp Related Things

Episode Synopsis:  Is it just me or are drunk vampires, like, totally awesome? After dining on Sookie’s fairy godmother, Claudine, Eric is adorably tipsy and immune to sunlight... for a little bit. Luckily, Alcide was around to help Sookie find Eric before he burnt like any meal I’ve ever tried to cook ever. But even luckier for us, Alcide took his top off! It’s the little things (or in this case, incredibly chiseled things) that make us happy. So while Eric is an emotional roller coaster, Nan is putting the pressure on Bill, as Pam does likewise to Tara, Jesus, LaFayette and Rhiannon- I mean, Marni. On top of all of that strong arming, Sam shows up at Luna’s house to find out she has a ridiculously cute daughter, Arlene deals with her murder baby, and Tommy finds out that Melinda isn’t exactly a mother hen.

My my, Bill Compton, aren’t we looking regal this evening? Or morning? I can never tell with you vampires. Here’s the thing about this suit: it’s fine if you’re the school superintendent, not a fabulously wealthy bloody vampire king. Emphasis on the royalty, OK? Bill, snap out of it. 

Ah, now that’s more like it - a chocolate brown suit and is that lavender I spy? Oh, with a matching pocket square! I’ve never been to the Deep South (even though I’ve always thought about visiting), and I would assume that being a king of anything down there would equate to pimp status. Hence, this outfit. I approve - and I remember when saying “pimp” was slang for “fashionable” or “ballin’”. Yikes.

OMG it’s Mona! Or Mrs. Tate! Or Grandma Bellefleur! Pick your poison... and high fives to anyone who gets all three television references. If you’ve ever wanted to see a Southern dame, check this B out. That scarf is amazeatron9000 and coupling it with a three-stringed pearl necklace is pretty much the height of Southern elegance. Blanche Deveraux, eat your heart out.

“Just banging my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever granddaughter LOL.”

 “He totes is, G-ma. U mad bro?”

 Seriously, Bill, I’d check up on stuff like that before you start throwing your cat everywhere. Who do you think you are? A were-panther?

Although, in this stunning satin sapphire top, Portia does look amazing. Man, that was a total alliteration win. Anyway, I find it interesting that she belted the top. Well, not so much interesting as annoying. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I’m getting kind of tired with the belted everything these days. Unless she’s using that to whip Katerina later. That broad really grinds my gears.

Now, here’s the thing about True Blood fashions - they repeat. A lot. Mostly because the show runs in relative real time i.e. this episode picks up right where the previous one ended. Other episodes only show a day or two passing in True Blood (at most) in between real world airings. Get what I’m saying? No? Basically: I’m not posting a photo of Eric in the sleeveless hoody and basketballs shorts again. It’s done, people!

What I will post is Eric Northman, topless, swimming in the sunlight, yelling at alligators in an ancient Norse language. 

Seeing that this is my first recap, I’m going to point out my first beef with this season: Eric’s hair. What. The. Hell? I’m seeing an awkward bowl cut mixed with Gareth from The Office BBC multiplied by humidity. This is one of the hottest men on the show and he’s got a haircut that makes him look like your dorky younger brother in the throes of puberty? No way, yo.

In case you were wondering why Nan Flanagan is head of the American Vampire League, check this out. Head to toe leather, a tight hair bun, streetwalking red lipstick and that necklace that says, “I’m prim and proper but if you’re into some slap and tickle, I’m down”. Oh, the shoulder pads - of course they’re there. Nan, you’re a powerhouse. 

Now, out of this group shot, can you tell which one is the vampire?

That’s right, the one with the hip cocked out and the boots that go on for days. No surprise here, it’s Pam. However, I am a bit surprised she decided to wear this for the spell reversal party. I would have thought that any backup dancer from Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition” tour would store their costume in a special place.

Finally, we come back to Sookie Stackhouse a.k.a. I’m a plague on Bon Temps and I probably should have moved years ago to save them the heartache of losing loved ones every summer television season. At least you look banging in these shorts. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen you in anything other than shorts, save for the odd dress here and there. Whatevs, you look cute.

Such a cute little hoody! Even if it is nearly the same green as on a Merlotte’s waitress t-shirt. I guess you stick with what you know, right Sook? Considering recent our roundtable on Pretty Little Liars' Aria’s sartorial choices, I find it hilariously frustrating that Sookie’s hoody is cropped. Girl, if it’s that warm in Bon Temps that you don’t want to wear a full hoody - how about you don’t wear one at all? Hmm?

OK, so Arlene doesn’t really have much to do with the vampire and vampire related friends in this episode. She’s also in this episode for less than 5 minutes so I needed to try and balance the entries. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole “demon baby/possessed doll/or is it something else?” sub-plot that’s going on, but these teaser scenes just drive me crazy. But so does Arlene’s hair.