Soul of Fire - Part 1 of 2 - Witches vs. Vamps

Episode Synopsis: Finally Bill is ready to use violence against that awful Marnie/Antonia. But wait! Bill and Eric's beloved Sookie is trapped inside the shop. MarTonia (hee-hee!) decides to negogiate a deal which involves Bill and Eric killing themselves in order to release Sookie. Really? And they ACCEPT. Really?? Luckily, Pam is having none of that and decides to take matters into her own hands and shoots a very large gun-thing (sorry I'm no weapons expert...fashion is my game) into the protection spell. Meanwhile, Jesus is digging deep into his magical shaman ways to get Antonia out of Marnie's body. On the non-vampire side of things: Sam has a death warrant out for Marcus, who just so happened to have kidnapped his own daughter, while entertaining Debbie AT ALCIDE'S HOUSE. Yeah that's right. I don't even know what's left to happen for next week. Oh, wait. Marnie's ghost hopped into Lafayette. That's no big deal, I'm sure.

So once again, not a big week for wardrobe changes...and I suppose it's understandable when you get to wear these bad-ass, black leather gettups. I know Anthony included a similar image last week and Kim re-purposed it for her mini-recap, but they all look plain awesome, so let's look at it again:

Last week, Anthony commented (frequently) on the unfortunate-ness that is Marnie's belt OVER her leather jacket. When she went outside to have a talking with Bill & Crew, I thought "Yay, she is going to be a normal person and wear her belt UNDER the jacket." But alas, she walks out of the shop and suddenly the belt is OVER her jacket. How did she have enough time between putting her jacket on and walking through the front door to remove her belt and replace on top of her jacket? Is that another one of her spells?

Who would consider leather-belting a leather jacket? Oh right...a crazy psycho witch who has binded herself to a semi-crazy ghost witch, that's who.

Marnie does have some fantastic ring-wear, however. More is definitely more, in this case.

AHHHHH! I never could have imagined that such a cute face as Jesus' be turned into something this monstrous! Although the more I look at it, the more I realize it's just a mask and not a real transformation. Sorry True Blood make-up department: not as convincing as it could be. 

Awww the cute face is back. But what I really wanted to point out in this photo is the skull and crossbones pillowcase! So adorable! 

It appears that since Eric has regained his memory, he also regained a much more mature hairstyle. No morefloppy, weird Gareth cut he had going on as Nice Eric. 

It's a Bumpit. Jessica has a Bumpit in her hair. Really? C'mon Jess...you have the most perfect strawberry red hair and you put in a Bumpit?? Bumpits do not make you look tough and badass; they make you look like Snookie. (Yes, that's spelled correctly, Jessica. You don't get Jersey Shore down in Bon Temps?)

I couldn't resist posting this menagerie of Marnie's Wiccan followers. From L to R: We have Lafayette's Twin sister, Mom Jeans, Carrot Top's Mother, Matrix Wannabe, and Confused Dude (this guy was wearing the hemp sweatshirt last week...he doesn't know what culture to follow).  

No wonder MarTonia couldn't complete her mission. This cast of characters looks more inclined to hallucinate about killing vampires than to practice crazy-psycho-witch-magic and do it. 

Burning Down The House - Part 1 of 2 - Yeah, We Totally Hate UV Rays

Episode Synopsis: Damn girl, I leave Bon Temps for a few weeks and suddenly the whole bloody state is in chaos? In a move that I would venture Ray Charles could have seen coming, Marnie busts up the Tolerance Rally to disastrous results. But never fear, Sookie’s magic flashlight powers saved the day again - and put Eric back to normal! Sad days, right? Well, sort of, except he still loves Sookie. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Bill is seething with rage and gathers a little vampire A-Team to take care of Marnie. For goods, y’all. In other news, Sam is pissed yet adorable, Alcide is pissed yet handsome, Tara is pissed yet sassy, Lafayette is pissed yet anxious, Jesus is not pissed but curious, Jason is pissed yet regretful, Jessica is pissed yet... pissed? Basically, everybody is at their breaking point. Except Tommy, who’s gone home to Jesus.

We'll have more on Marnie in the next section, but pay close attention to that belt she's wearing. Note: it's over the leather jacket. Over. The leather jacket. Like, not in the, "I am SO over this jacket" kind of way, but physically worn on the outside of the jacket. What possessed you to do this, Marni? Don't go blaming Antonia for making you look like a soccer mom in crisis. 

Eric Mallory Northman - you’ve ruined a perfectly good henley! Since when is white OK for vampires, anyway? Shouldn’t you be decked out in your finest black leathers? At least he has the shoulders to fill it out. When I try to wear a henley, it looks like a burlap sack on a rake. 

Ladies and gentlemen, the Jackie O of vampires across America, Ms. Nan Flanagan. *hold for applause*

I like to imagine that this is the face Nan made when she realized her wardrobe would not consist of weirdly fashionable bondage garb this week. Power pearls and a presedential blazer? Are you for real real? Don't get me wrong, I love the look but for someone as tough as Nan, the pink blazer with black piping seems, oh I don't know, insincere?

Pam? Is that you? Sorry, forgive my rudeness, it's just that... I can't see any cleavage. I suppose this photo just proves that everyone owns at least one tracksuit they use to keep casual. Fine and dandy, but don't get used to it sister. I need my weekly fix of sex and anger.

Wow. If this is what humans look like just before they passionately yell at their boyfriend to not murder their ex-boyfriend, then I’ve got to stop pitting my exes against each other. Sookie’s hoodie is pretty cute... almost a little too cute. Honey, you’ve seen more death in four seasons of True Blood than most characters see in an entire series. Maybe it’s time we graduate from heart-print fabrics, hm? What’s wrong with a basic black? 

Although, I will give Sookie points for rocking some classic red Vans. Hotness.com/relevant. Maybe this is what a hipster looks like in Bon Temps? And don’t throw Lafayette in my face as a rebuttal - he’s not a hipster. That bitch is just fabulous. 

Perhaps the best part of the whole Tolerance Massacre was the little Southern belle trying to convince the murder machines that the fighting could stop.

“We’re your friends!” *slap*

Two things:

1. What’s with the bangs?
2. What’s with the bangs?

Was there a Little Miss Tolerance Pageant I don’t know about? If you and your friend weren’t wearing the same ruffled, floral top (that just made me vomit while I typed), I might have found you endearing.

While he might have been a mindless killing machine, I did think this vampire was cute. Especially when I realized that I have worn outfits eerily similar to what you see before you. Too bad I’m totally over olive green. I'm more over that colour than Marnie's belt is over her jacket.

I’m not really sure what to make of Bill’s take on Gordon Gecko these days. Of course the King has look dapper at all times, of which Bill is quite convincing, however I wouldn’t mind seeing his Highness in something a little more relaxed. Like a tank-top. Or no top at all. Watching him brood on this crocodile chair, however, is quite nice.

Alright, she might have just had a sexy romp in the back of a pickup truck, but at least Jessica was wearing this totes amaze sundress. I wish we could see more but this saucy little minx was too busy trading secrets in the dark, if you know what I mean. Think of it this way Jess, it could have been in the back of a car.

Now for the best part of the vampire contingent this week: the vampire A-Team! Reals, if this is how you dress when you’re about to whip some Wiccan ass, sign me up. Honestly guys, you’re not exactly dispelling any ideas people may have had about how cool it is to be a vampire. 

Burning Down The House - Part 2 of 2 - BRB, Just Gonna Chill In The Sun

First, let’s get this out of the way: Arlene and Terry in their robes. Come on guys, can’t you switch it up just a little? The whole “Madam Butterfly” role playing game has got to feel stale. At least in his normal clothes, Terry looks rather fetching... for a gun toting Southerner who’s always one step away from a mental breakdown. Andy, you... well... you just keep doing what you're doing. Try and get off the junk, huh?

Oh look, we have a fashion challenge on our hands! Who wore it better: the drape edition. First we have Antonia, rocking a truly inspired hair care regimen. Girlfriend was into teased locks back during the Inquisition. Points for the hair, but demerits for the stained tarp she’s been rocking for centuries. I don't care if you're a ghost - figure it out. On the other hand, Marni's decided to update that whole “persecuted witch” look with a (surprise!) belted sheet and limp hair. Hmm, tough call ladies but, in my professional opinion, I’m going to say that Antonia wins. Why? She was burned at the stake when owning a hairbrush was a luxury meant for aristocrats... what’s Marni’s excuse? 

Speaking of excuses, here’s a pathetic one for a coven. Did Marnie swing by Berkley for a few freshmen before starting her little witch organization? This looks like the Invasion of the Crunchy Clan. Antsy about being held captive? Why don't you just magic up some more quinoa, sir?

Guess who hasn’t changed clothes because they’re in a hostage situation? Holly and Tara! It’s nice to see the ladies bond.

He might be concerned for his cousin, but Lafayette doesn’t let a little grief rain on his fashion parade. Girl, can we talk about the slippers? Comfort over style? Who do you think you are - Sookie?

At least in the unending parade of patronizing looks from Jesus, he manages to pull together a more subdued, yet fashionable look. That robe? It’s nothing to write a blog about...

 but darling sugar-pie honeybunch, those boots? Let’s get married, you sultry Latin ‘mo. I’ve even forgiven you for wearing cargo pants. Well, I’m still working on that but I promise I’ll get over it. Sorry, but they're never coming back. No matter how many GAP commercials you reference.

Of course, it’s better than your freaky tribal look. Ew. I hate ear stretchers.

Hoyt seems pretty stoked to have broken up with Jessica. Or, to have been broken up with by Jessica. Either way, he’s the most adorable mama’s boy I’ve ever met. Actually, I’ve had a crush on Hoyt since Season One. You may have noticed that I have a proclivity towards men of a larger nature. That’s why I think Hoyt, in this hideous ribbed v-neck, is far more attractive than Jason. 

Yeah, I said it - I’ll pause for a collective gasp. Jason, you going to be OK?

You guys, is he wearing yoga pants? That cut off at the calf? I don’t care if they’re sweatpants rolled up, they look like short yoga pants. Even for yoga, short pants are never a good idea. That’s why we have shorts. Repetition is the most effective learning tool.

Somehow, in this sea of American Apparel hoodies and scooping neck lines for men, I don’t have total confidence in our miniature Scooby Squad. Though it is slightly refreshing to see Lafayette without a head covering; too bad he has that dreadhawk thing going on. 

So, if you’re a supernatural being, and you know when weird things are happening, do you involve yourself in some way? Or do you shack up with a dirty trick who offers you the possibility of more V and a werebaby? Wait... don’t answer that... Debbie’s beat you to the punch.

Alcide wasn’t topless this week, even though Debs was pretty darn close. Shame. Even though he doesn’t do a bad job of filling out this plaid shirt, I’ve become accustomed to seeing some skin every week. Best part of this photo? The way Alcide dwarfs Sam; the man is a brickhouse!

So is that why Sam looks pretty distraught? I mean, he is sporting the same shirt as before, but it’s a nice shade of blue and the fabric seems to be all natural - what’s the problem? 

Oh. Right. The whole Tommy dying thing. Sorry Tommy, it was fun while it lasted (content edited for, you know, gross amounts of blood).

Just two episodes left! Brace yourself for next week friends - I have a feeling it's going to be over the top. Much like Marnie's belt was over her jacket.

Spellbound - part 2 of 2 - Team Leather

We found out this week that Marcus is Luna's crazy werewolf ex. I guess that isn't a total surprise, since there aren't that many werewolves on the show, and we already knew Marcus is crazy. But still... gross.

As if the greasy hair and the greasy beard weren't enough, he's combining a denim shirt with a leather jacket? And with a bonus undershirt of greasy chest hair? I'd say Sam is quite the upgrade in the man department, even bearing in mind his slightly insane skinwalker brother...

Yeah, I'm talking about you, Tommy. However, I have to give him credit for his Maxine disguise. Everything was believable apart from the telltale spiky bangs hairdo that we all associate with Tommy:

Nice try. But Maxine, for all her faults, always has her hair in a flawless, hairsprayed helmet:

She's like, "Would anybody believe that I would allow that dissheveled hairdo anywhere near this head? Hell, no!" Also, I like how she's in purple-in-purple and the news reporter is in blue-on-blue. That would look nice on the local news.

Also looking nice on the local news? Bill, who has taken my suit-wearing advice to heart and shows up in a total Don Draper-inspired look (maybe he's been shopping the new Mad Men collection at Banana Republic?)

Check out the crease on his trousers. Flawless. He's clearly presenting the new, more handsome, less scary public face of vampires. Not sure about the tie though.

Bill changes back into his same mandarin-collar black leather jacket for the big showdown with Marnie/Antonia, which is apparently part of the dress code for season-ending, late-night cemetary showdowns.

Seriously. I have to assume that in an unaired scene, everybody in attendance at the cemetary battle was told to wear leather jackets. Check it:

1) Marnie's very cute fitted leather jacket with lots of stitch detailing:

2) Pam's leather jacket of spiked, studded badassery:

and 3) Tara's leather jacket of meh:

Why did Bill get Pam to stop killing Tara? Out of loyalty to Sookie?

Maybe he has plans to help her improve her wardrobe, because girlfriend has got to get it together. Cargo skinny khakis and a pink cammo shirt? For reals?

How is this woman related to Lafayette, who so consistently hits it out of the park? Where did she buy that top? Does anybody care?

Other unnamed members of Marnie's coven get kick-ass looks like this:

Can this girl be Sookie's new BFF next season?

And to my great despair, there was no Shirtless Alcide this week. There was Alcide wearing his same yummy caramel jacket from last week, while being so sweet to Debbie (WHO DOES NOT DESERVE HIM).

Like, is that acidwash she's got on? Run, Alcide!

By far, though, the best moment of the episode was when Alcide swept in through the fog with his big shoulders and his handsome face to carry Sookie off to safety.

If Sookie continues to ignore his RED HOT HOTNESS after this rescue, I don't know what to think. Why hang out with amnesiac Eric when you've got Alcide, in all his hotness, throwing himself at you? Pretty tough life, being Sookie Stackhouse.

Oh wait, she totally got shot this week. I guess it is kind of tough. Still... wake up and smell the werewolf!

Cold Grey Light of Dawn - Part 2 of 2 - Totally Sunburned

The many misfortunes of Bon Temps! We've already complained about the lack of cute sundresses... seriously, where were they? But here are the real disappointments. Brace yourselves.

Really, seriously, who let Hoyt Fortenberry into Finn's wardrobe on Glee? At least it's a nice blue, Hoyt. Sigh.

I will say that it's nice to see Arelene's hair up for a change instead of in her uniform bouffant, but her jewelry is a little outrageous. I also appreciate that she's trying to keep an eye on Mikey by wearing him to work (also I think it's awesome when moms wear their babies in various wraps and such) but it makes me super nervous that Mikey the Demon Baby of Bon Temps is near the food.

Also of some concern: V-addict Andy Bellefleur trying to date Holly the cool witch. What?! Props to him for buying a new tie, but the suit is a little on the sad side. The color is just not right. Just. Wow.

Bill's still-sort-of-unnamed (I think?) Louisiana vamp sheriffs are kind of... interesting. Edgy, but in a dumbfounded way. Also, apparently True Blood is picking up on the Vampire Diaries' wardrobe staple of uninteresting leather jackets. Meh.

I guess it's just that I'm not really sure who they are yet... and apparently, nobody else is sure either.

Ah! The vampire doctor! I forget her name but she first appeared a few seasons back. She's crotchety and stern and she doesn't take crap from anybody. Not even Pamsicle, who is currently still a screaming, rotting mess. Unfortunately, she doesn't have Pam's fashion flourish, and this amazing... uh... shirt is proof. Granted it seems to be part of her scrubs... but still.

Also, Fangtasia's favorite bloodbank/bartender Ginger is still around, and still has the wardrobe to fit a sleazy 14-year-old who shops at Hot Topic.

Speaking of loud... Oh my, Maxine. Oh MY. The colors! The patterns! I'm overwhelmed, as usual, when it comes to Mama Fortenberry. She's a crazy broad for sure.

Just a shout-out to her incredible sun hat. Presented without further comment.

Maxine's neighbor models a lovely muumuu for us, but it is soon developed in a ball of flames. Because she's a vampire. Surprise. But speaking of vampires bursting into flames...

Marni (now calling herself Antonia the Vampire Slayer) looks a little less dreary in a lighter green gown, but it's still very reminiscent of the burlap sack Antonia got burned at the stake in back in the 1600s. It's ok. We all get into style ruts.

...and Marni's witch gang looks like Hippietown, U.S.A. They appear to be about as bewildered as King Bill's sheriffs, but less punk rock and more Woodstock. Except for Tara. Also, here's one guy in there wearing a gigantic peacock feather necklace. Gigantic. Just saying.