True Blood: Hopeless

Part 1 of 2: The Gentlemen

This week on The Twilight Zone True Blood: The Scooby Gang (aka Sookie and her man-ions) are finally enjoying their fond reunion with Russell Edgington when the Authority swoops in and captures him. Sam and Luna entrust Martha to take care of Emma while they practice some vigilante justice in order to find out who's killing shifters. Jason contemplates some vigilante justice of his own, taking Sookie to the fairy nightclub to get some answers about their parents' death. Meanwhile, Terry leaves town to protect his family from the fire monster, Tara continues to wrestle with both her new identity and Jessica, while Hoyt becomes even more sad. I didn't realize that was possible.

Hopeless is certainly a good word to describe life in this sleepy little Louisiana town. Well, not completely, I suppose - judging by Alcide's abs they at least have a good gym in the vicinity:

It's all about quality of life in a community, right? That makes two episodes in a row that open with these babies and all I have to say is 'well done, producers'.

Sadly, our rock-hard wolf here stays fully clothed for the rest of the episode, but thankfully in a pretty hot outfit.

Chambray shirt and leather jacket - a little bit chic, a little bit blue collar. Suitable for covering the muscles, yet still showing the shape, yet practical for when those claws and fangs decide to spring out (and the clothes fall in the dirt). And can I get an amen for a man's shirt on this show that is NOT a henley or an undershirt?

Hmmm...it appears I spoke too soon.

Well, Jason was sleeping so I suppose I can accept the undershirt as a practical pj option for a steamy night in the South. At least he's dressed like a grown man and not a five year old on Christmas morning.

Besides, the dream that he has in this scene is one I wouldn't mind having sometime:

Why, hello, Mr. Stackhouse! I can see where Jason gets his good looks from. Ok, I realize that this is a whole 'Field of Dreams' moment and that if he were still around today he would be a 50-something with a beer belly and a creepy sneer, but his imaginary self is attractive. And he's wearing a button-up shirt that is NOT plaid!

Speaking of which, what is with the ghosts in this town dressing better than the real, alive people?! Remember the beautiful vintage-dressed black lady lurking around Arlene and Terry's house last season? People, it's pretty sad when your dead people are more fashionable than you. That should really speak volumes.

Oh hai, plaid shirt! How've you been? Haven't seen you in a while - how was your vacation? See any sundresses in your travels?

Sadly, the rest of the male crew were a pretty big snoozefest in the wardrobe department. Eric and Bill were in the same old black leather jackets that they have been in almost the entire season, which, although I agree are slick and go with the whole 'undead creature of the night' vibe they are putting down, they are nothing to write home to Grams about, know what I am saying ladies?

 

...wait...what was I saying?...

Right, clothing *ahem* So, Lafayette's (I am counting him under the "Guys" section, although he's kind of between camps) depression continues to manifest itself in his wardrobe (le sigh). While he did manage to put on a fab tiger-print headscarf, the jean jacket and yoga sweater layers are not doing you any favours. Someone needs to get La-La some uppers, stat; or better yet, give them to me because I just can't take any more of these construction-worker ensembles!! 

*sadface* is THE look for Summer 2012. 

But, hark, what is that I see?! A lavendar collared shirt and dress pants?! We can't be in Bon Temps anymore, Toto:

We are now at the Authority HQ - where people actually put effort into their appearance (this man had a beret on earlier - a BERET, y'all). THIS is a gentleman. This outfit is basically a high-end version of Alcide's above leather jacket and collared shirt, but sans danger of getting wolf spit all over it (just the blood of Lilith but whatevs - blood comes right out...not that I would know).

True Blood: Let's Boot and Rally

Part 1 of 1: Must be Thursday!

Bill and Eric recruit Sookie in their search for Russell, and we learn that a female Authority member freed Russell (three guesses who!) and that he's recuperating in a creepy asylum. Meanwhile, Jessica takes Tara under her wing - a short-lived friendship as Jessica finds Tara and Hoyt together in the ladies restroom of Fangtasia. Lafayette struggles with his demon and when he calls out for help, Jesus' decapitated head (with mouth sewn shut) arrives with a muffled warning. Jason becomes more convinced his parents were killed by vampires as he investigates the shifters found dead by Sam. Who is later shot - along with Luna - by the same people. And Emma turns into the cutest wolf pup and runs away. Oh, and in-the-storyline-that-no-one-cares-about, Terry remembers a woman who cursed them all into getting killed by a fire Ifrit.

Let's open with Sookie's pink polka-dotted socks. I'm assuming she kept these from when she was five.

You know, back when she looked like this:

We wanted the cute sundresses back, but adorable pink overalls and heart printed turtleneck? Cuteness overload. This is exactly what I wore everyday when I was a tot.

But back to grown-up Sookie. I'd like to thank the True Blood writers for perhaps the most hilarious moment in True Blood history - Sookie throwing up just as she and Alcide are about to finally do it. Also, a gratuitous picture of Alcide's abs. Just 'cause.

Here to pass judgement are Bill Eric. I am so very glad they're out of those ridiculous tracksuits. I won't even fault Bill for wearing another leather jacket because #yum. And Eric looks good in anything, obvs.

Looking less good is Lafayette. "If I wanted to look like a drag queen, I would've raided Lafayette's closet" claims Tara. Only, Lafayette isn't so much about the his fabulous drag queen self these days. Bomber vest with 'Hi Bitch' embroidered in gold?! Is that the best he can do? At least he's wearing a fab printed headscarf.

This is what it's come to. Hoyt is outdressing Lafayette. Freakin' Hoyt.

Although, I don't know what's worse. The cut-off purple vest or the eyeliner and nail polish. Hoyt, does your mama let you out of the house dressed like that?

Mr. Fortenberry isn't the only one with a new look. Damn, Tara. Clearly, better clothes just come with being a vamp. Right?! I love this studded purple corset on her, especially paired with that amaze leather jacket!

Then again, she has this lady's closet to borrow from. Pam, looking trashy-glam (is that even a thing?) in a red patent dress that looks like it would be rather difficult to sit in is pretty much my dream Maker.

Jessica may lack a stylish Maker like Pam, but nevertheless, she can do no wrong in my eyes. She manages to pull off leopard pants. I mean. Leopard. Pants. Also, her hair is a thing of beauty.

More Firetrap...

Still, her vibe is a little more laid-back than Pam/Tara. I'm actually a bit surprised that she got all territorial over Fangbanger Ken.

Because this is more her speed. Ok, and mine. It's pretty much my third favorite (after his uniform, and well, wearing nothing) Jason outfit ever. How adorbs does he look?

I mean, footie pjs!

Also winning a nod for fetching sleepware is Arlene. I'm absolutely in love with this rose-printed silk robe. It's a step up from her bejewelled minis, for sure.

More La Fee Verte...

If Arlene's robe was a curveball, Alcide's plaid was...I don't know, what's the opposite of a curveball? A bunt? A slow under-hand pitch? (I'm a fashion recapper, not a baseball player). For a show that's notorious for its plaid, we only spotted one plaid shirt this week, but that's enough to keep things consistent.

The day that Alcide shows up dressed like this guy, it'll be like a homerun that shatters the scoreboard.

Roman's suits rival that of Chuck Bass'. Which is pretty much the highest honor here at YKYLF. Also, there's something about his attitude that's very Don Draper-esque, which is pretty much our second-highest honor. Well played, Roman. Not bad for a character we don't even care about.

True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Much is the same as last week. Tara is still not enjoying her vampire life (who knew vamps could nap in a walk-in?), Pam is still flashbacking to her early days with Eric (adorbs!), and Bill and Eric are still being held captive by the Authority. I'm starting to get confused on what the Authority wants to do with those boys. They hired Rev. Newlin as their new spokesperson? Really? Then there's poor Jason, haunted by a dalliance with one of his high school teachers. We shouldn't be surprised by that one. 

Hey, remember when Sookie used to wear cute sundresses all the time? We're three episodes in, and I've lost all hope of ever seeing them again. I suppose a hoodie is appropriate attire for racing around Bon Temps trying to find your newly-turned vampire/possibly former best friend, but Seasons 1-4 Sookie would have worn something cuter.

Pam, on the other hand, is having none of that sweatsuit action (remember how quickly she ditched Gran's yellow monstrosity?) She's badass in her leather gettup, complete without fingerless gloves and large cross necklace. 

I would also like to mention Pam's expert curls and makeup. Exhibit A that vamps are always glamorous. Sidenote: Is this where that phrase "vamping it up" comes from? 

While Jason does wonders for a plain t-shirt and zip-up, shirtless is really his best outfit. 

And why is he shirtless? Why, a little reunion with a former high school teacher that he ::ahem:: learned a lot from. You know, this is exactly what I would expect a teacher who had sex with her high school student to look like fifteen years later. Still somewhat attractive, but obviously a bit hard-worn and faded. The years, they have not been kind.

She's still working the cleavage, though. Nice job.

Speaking of time's ravages, Sam is looking older and older these days. It may be time to bring out the Touch of Gray. Or can he shape-shift some of those gray hairs to brown? Does he have those fine motor skills?

The rest of the Merlotte's crew isn't doing much better. Terry has a deep, dark secret, and obvs that means it's time break out the leather jacket from 1982. Put back Terry, just put it back. 

Look, you're making Arlene sad. Oh wait, no...she's just making sure her bra is still there. A black bra under a white t-shirt? Really Arlene? Your hair and makeup is finally starting to calm itself, let's get your clothes in order. 

Rounding out the Merlotte's staff is Lafayette. LA-LA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I mean, besides losing your boyfriend and your cousin and going through all sorts of other trauma. Again, Seasons 1-4 Lafayette would have slapped on some eyeliner, a glitter top, and been over it. These thrift store finds are not ok. Bring back fabulous Lafayette, pls.

Wait a minute. I found Lafayette's eyeliner.

Here's Hoyt, channeling his inner Jared Leto. But unlike Jared Leto (and Lafayette), Hoyt needs to ditch that eyeliner. He's just a mama's boy at heart; not an almost-scary-wannabe-rocker.

I mean, what would Jessica say about his new look? One thing's for sure, this dress is GOR-geous. Perfect fit. Perfect color. If Jessica had to wear one outfit for the rest of her life, this should be it.

More Valentino...

But it's a good thing Vampires aren't stuck with one outfit for all etinerity. Why is Eric in a track suit so hilarious? I literally can't stop laughing at the awkwardness. It's like when I first saw Mark Paul Gosselaar without the blond Zach Morris hair. Eric needs to lose the track suit, stat.

Thanks. That's better.

For as nice as Shirtless Eric and Shirtless Bill are, this Salome woman is really stealing the show. Exhibit B, further proving that Vampires are always glamorous -- they dress up in fancy gowns for no reason at all. 

More Salvatore Ferragamo...

Exhibit C: Who else could rock a silky robe with feathery cuffs? 

A Vamp, that's who. Not even Season 1-4 Sookie could pull this off.

And When I Die - Part 1 of 2 - Sinners

Episode Synopsis: Listen, y'all, this season finale was so cuh-RAY-zee that I don't even know where to start. Lafayette, possessed by Marni, tortures Jesus until he gives up his super-strong-Mexican-juju-magic, and then kills him. Jason tells Hoyt that he slept with Jessica, and Hoyt beats the crap out of him. Alcide has kicked Debbie out for good and asks Sookie (in a very roundabout way) if she will consider being with him so they can stay out of trouble together. Sookie turns him down, and then tells Eric and Bill that she can't choose either of them, either. For those of you keeping track, that's THREE hot men she turned down this episode. Bill and Eric murder Nan Flanagan and her guards, Alcide discovers that a vamp (Russell Edgington?) has broken free from his concrete prison, and Jason is visited by Vamp!Reverend Newlin. Ghost René warns Arlene that Terry and his old army pal are nothing but trouble. Sookie, Tara, and Holly call on Bon Temps spirits for help with Marni/Lafayette, and Antonia and Gran (!!!) appear to bring Marni to the other side. Debbie shows up to kill Sookie with a shotgun, but Tara jumps in the way and gets blasted. Sookie then shoots Debbie in the neck (ouch) before realizing that Tara is really not ok. And now, all I can say is "WHAT?!"

Lafayette is possessed by Marni. He is also possessed with a fierceness that mere mortals generally don't experience.

Please experience now his fierce kimono. I'm not digging the yellow track pants, but I love the kimono. Did Marni inherit some fashion sense when she took over his body??

GASP. Apparently not.

What IS that? I'll tell you. That is a muumuu, my friends. A MUUMUU. Lafayette probably owns the muumuu for comical, sassy, just-lyin-around-the-house purposes... either that or Marni possessed Lafayette and after killing Jesus (sob) made straight for the nearest hippie store for a shopping spree. Yikes, y'all.

King Bill has an unending supply of tailored suits. I like the gray tie on this one though...

...but as we all know, Bill and Eric are at their best when they're chained up to a stake and mostly naked. Well, maybe not chained to a stake. But definitely the mostly naked bit. Definitely.

Also, of COURSE poor Ginger went as a sexy nurse for Halloween. It's appropriate because she's been taking care of poor Pamsicle all season while Eric's been out tooting around with Sookie and fighting witches. Ginger probably only has one Halloween costume, actually, come to think of it.

Speaking of people with only one outfit.... Alcide is wearing the same plaid shirt we saw him in like six episodes ago. Sigh. Buddy, when are you gonna learn? Sookie isn't attracted to flannel. We all remember how well Sam fared with that tactic season 1.

Unfortunately, Hoyt is not doing so well either... Granted, these are his work duds, but when you look at what heartbroken Hoyt is wearing versus what Jason is wearing... you kinda can't blame Jess. Really.

Purrrrrrrr. So casual. So yummy.

And later on, a lil more skin from Mr. Stackhouse. Yes, please.

Jess shows up on Halloween lookin' like a sessy Little Red Riding Hood, and if Jason thought he would get away with being a Good Guy and Doing The Right Thing By Making Her Leave Without Them Doing Anything, he was sorely mistaken.

Booya.

Nan shows up in her biker bitchy glory, with a new leather jacket, a new armed and armored entourage, and a paranoia to rival ol' Russell's back in season 3.... But Bill and Eric don't want no revolution, so they cut the guards' heads off and stake the heck outta Nan.

Gross. Can't believe they finally took her out. As Eric said: "What a bitch."

Let's Get Out of Here - Part 1 of 2 - The Cat's Meow

Episode Synopsis: Antonia's witches are starting to wonder what the real deal is with Marni's possession and Antonia's motives; there is a heckuva lot of bloodshed happening in Bon Temps this week and it's not just the vamps. Sookie survives the gunshot thanks to Alcide carrying her home and Bill feeding her his blood, which subsequently reawakens her feelings for him (y'know, cause that's what vamp blood does to ya). It pisses Alcide off that Sookie's worried about Eric (now under Antonia's spell hardcore and sent to kill Bill... hah. Kill bill!) so he peaces out to go be with Debbie, but Debbie's jealousy has hit a breaking point: she does a shot of V before offering to help Sookie fix whatever's going on with the witches to prove to Sookie that she's a good wolf now. Lafayette gets possessed by Princess Tiana (actual name: Mavis) and steals demon Baby Mikey, but Jason, Jesus and Andy track him down and talk him out of it, with a grand finale of Jesus performing an exorcism. Jess and Jason get down and dirty in the bed of a pickup truck, Luna and Sam get freaky in the forest on a camping trip, and Sookie has a naughty dream about both Bill AND Eric! Whooo boy, things are steaming up around here!

I simply must must MUST start this off with Sookie's dream sequence ensemble. Girlfriend is sporting a red silk or chiffon vintage-looking short robe that is TO DIE FOR and some serious black pumps. She needed the pumps, you see, to be tall enough for Eric to make out with her properly. Duh.

I mean, talk about just gorgeous. If I was having a dream about two guys like Bill and Eric... which I'm not saying I have or haven't... I would totally dream myself wearing something ridiculous and gorgeous like this.

Later on, however, Sookiepants cools off and wears cuffed denim, red Keds and a black hoodie from (I'm pretty sure) Delias. Like, Sookie, what gives? You're SO CUTE about 75% of the time, and then you pull something out of the closet that's definitely from your high school wardrobe. Maybe it's time to step those sundresses up a notch, babe.

Also conflicting? Jessica. She's miserable because Hoyt kicked her out and Jason showed no sympathy, but she's wearing great colors for her skin tone. The dress is cute, but for the first time in ages I believe she's got too much eyeliner and I'm not digging the straight hair completely... She looks weighed down. But I guess that's logical since she's super guilty about everything, including how badly she wants to jump Jason Stackhouse's bones. Yowza!

Nan Flanagan is taking a leaf out of Pamsicle's book with the motorcycle gang S&M vibe she has going on. The boots, jacket, and pants are sweet, and that slicked back hair is awesome.

Later, Nan does a complete 180 and shows up to the Tolerance Rally looking like a Stepford wife... a totally uncomfortable, bitchy Stepford wife. Pink is NOT your color, Nan.

King Bill wins at suits. That's all there is to it. Love the pocket square and tie. Love the cut of the suit. He's so darn DAPPER these days.

Back in Sookie's dream sequence of lurrrve, Bill wears something more like what he wore in seasons one and two: a henley-style undershirt and a plain leather jacket. Although he is still sporting his King Ring. Like a boss.

At the Tolerance Rally, Bill's Louisiana sheriffs (is that a good name for a country cover band or what?) look slightly more put together than the last time we saw them, but they're all still kind of vapid and two-dimensional as characters.

Jason looks pretty cute like all the time, so it's no wonder that he makes a ridiculously large belt buckle and a plain white t-shirt look good with normal jeans and a legit leather jacket. He's at war with his feelings for Jess and for his best friend Hoyt, yeah, but he's still the Resident Bon Temps Human Hottie. Respeck.

A shout-out goes to Sam, who sports a faded denim (possibly a pale chambray!) shirt on the camping trip with Luna and Emma, and looks like a glorious future stepdad in the process. Nicely done, sir!