And When I Die - Part 1 of 2 - Sinners

Episode Synopsis: Listen, y'all, this season finale was so cuh-RAY-zee that I don't even know where to start. Lafayette, possessed by Marni, tortures Jesus until he gives up his super-strong-Mexican-juju-magic, and then kills him. Jason tells Hoyt that he slept with Jessica, and Hoyt beats the crap out of him. Alcide has kicked Debbie out for good and asks Sookie (in a very roundabout way) if she will consider being with him so they can stay out of trouble together. Sookie turns him down, and then tells Eric and Bill that she can't choose either of them, either. For those of you keeping track, that's THREE hot men she turned down this episode. Bill and Eric murder Nan Flanagan and her guards, Alcide discovers that a vamp (Russell Edgington?) has broken free from his concrete prison, and Jason is visited by Vamp!Reverend Newlin. Ghost René warns Arlene that Terry and his old army pal are nothing but trouble. Sookie, Tara, and Holly call on Bon Temps spirits for help with Marni/Lafayette, and Antonia and Gran (!!!) appear to bring Marni to the other side. Debbie shows up to kill Sookie with a shotgun, but Tara jumps in the way and gets blasted. Sookie then shoots Debbie in the neck (ouch) before realizing that Tara is really not ok. And now, all I can say is "WHAT?!"

Lafayette is possessed by Marni. He is also possessed with a fierceness that mere mortals generally don't experience.

Please experience now his fierce kimono. I'm not digging the yellow track pants, but I love the kimono. Did Marni inherit some fashion sense when she took over his body??

GASP. Apparently not.

What IS that? I'll tell you. That is a muumuu, my friends. A MUUMUU. Lafayette probably owns the muumuu for comical, sassy, just-lyin-around-the-house purposes... either that or Marni possessed Lafayette and after killing Jesus (sob) made straight for the nearest hippie store for a shopping spree. Yikes, y'all.

King Bill has an unending supply of tailored suits. I like the gray tie on this one though...

...but as we all know, Bill and Eric are at their best when they're chained up to a stake and mostly naked. Well, maybe not chained to a stake. But definitely the mostly naked bit. Definitely.

Also, of COURSE poor Ginger went as a sexy nurse for Halloween. It's appropriate because she's been taking care of poor Pamsicle all season while Eric's been out tooting around with Sookie and fighting witches. Ginger probably only has one Halloween costume, actually, come to think of it.

Speaking of people with only one outfit.... Alcide is wearing the same plaid shirt we saw him in like six episodes ago. Sigh. Buddy, when are you gonna learn? Sookie isn't attracted to flannel. We all remember how well Sam fared with that tactic season 1.

Unfortunately, Hoyt is not doing so well either... Granted, these are his work duds, but when you look at what heartbroken Hoyt is wearing versus what Jason is wearing... you kinda can't blame Jess. Really.

Purrrrrrrr. So casual. So yummy.

And later on, a lil more skin from Mr. Stackhouse. Yes, please.

Jess shows up on Halloween lookin' like a sessy Little Red Riding Hood, and if Jason thought he would get away with being a Good Guy and Doing The Right Thing By Making Her Leave Without Them Doing Anything, he was sorely mistaken.

Booya.

Nan shows up in her biker bitchy glory, with a new leather jacket, a new armed and armored entourage, and a paranoia to rival ol' Russell's back in season 3.... But Bill and Eric don't want no revolution, so they cut the guards' heads off and stake the heck outta Nan.

Gross. Can't believe they finally took her out. As Eric said: "What a bitch."

Burning Down The House - Part 2 of 2 - BRB, Just Gonna Chill In The Sun

First, let’s get this out of the way: Arlene and Terry in their robes. Come on guys, can’t you switch it up just a little? The whole “Madam Butterfly” role playing game has got to feel stale. At least in his normal clothes, Terry looks rather fetching... for a gun toting Southerner who’s always one step away from a mental breakdown. Andy, you... well... you just keep doing what you're doing. Try and get off the junk, huh?

Oh look, we have a fashion challenge on our hands! Who wore it better: the drape edition. First we have Antonia, rocking a truly inspired hair care regimen. Girlfriend was into teased locks back during the Inquisition. Points for the hair, but demerits for the stained tarp she’s been rocking for centuries. I don't care if you're a ghost - figure it out. On the other hand, Marni's decided to update that whole “persecuted witch” look with a (surprise!) belted sheet and limp hair. Hmm, tough call ladies but, in my professional opinion, I’m going to say that Antonia wins. Why? She was burned at the stake when owning a hairbrush was a luxury meant for aristocrats... what’s Marni’s excuse? 

Speaking of excuses, here’s a pathetic one for a coven. Did Marnie swing by Berkley for a few freshmen before starting her little witch organization? This looks like the Invasion of the Crunchy Clan. Antsy about being held captive? Why don't you just magic up some more quinoa, sir?

Guess who hasn’t changed clothes because they’re in a hostage situation? Holly and Tara! It’s nice to see the ladies bond.

He might be concerned for his cousin, but Lafayette doesn’t let a little grief rain on his fashion parade. Girl, can we talk about the slippers? Comfort over style? Who do you think you are - Sookie?

At least in the unending parade of patronizing looks from Jesus, he manages to pull together a more subdued, yet fashionable look. That robe? It’s nothing to write a blog about...

 but darling sugar-pie honeybunch, those boots? Let’s get married, you sultry Latin ‘mo. I’ve even forgiven you for wearing cargo pants. Well, I’m still working on that but I promise I’ll get over it. Sorry, but they're never coming back. No matter how many GAP commercials you reference.

Of course, it’s better than your freaky tribal look. Ew. I hate ear stretchers.

Hoyt seems pretty stoked to have broken up with Jessica. Or, to have been broken up with by Jessica. Either way, he’s the most adorable mama’s boy I’ve ever met. Actually, I’ve had a crush on Hoyt since Season One. You may have noticed that I have a proclivity towards men of a larger nature. That’s why I think Hoyt, in this hideous ribbed v-neck, is far more attractive than Jason. 

Yeah, I said it - I’ll pause for a collective gasp. Jason, you going to be OK?

You guys, is he wearing yoga pants? That cut off at the calf? I don’t care if they’re sweatpants rolled up, they look like short yoga pants. Even for yoga, short pants are never a good idea. That’s why we have shorts. Repetition is the most effective learning tool.

Somehow, in this sea of American Apparel hoodies and scooping neck lines for men, I don’t have total confidence in our miniature Scooby Squad. Though it is slightly refreshing to see Lafayette without a head covering; too bad he has that dreadhawk thing going on. 

So, if you’re a supernatural being, and you know when weird things are happening, do you involve yourself in some way? Or do you shack up with a dirty trick who offers you the possibility of more V and a werebaby? Wait... don’t answer that... Debbie’s beat you to the punch.

Alcide wasn’t topless this week, even though Debs was pretty darn close. Shame. Even though he doesn’t do a bad job of filling out this plaid shirt, I’ve become accustomed to seeing some skin every week. Best part of this photo? The way Alcide dwarfs Sam; the man is a brickhouse!

So is that why Sam looks pretty distraught? I mean, he is sporting the same shirt as before, but it’s a nice shade of blue and the fabric seems to be all natural - what’s the problem? 

Oh. Right. The whole Tommy dying thing. Sorry Tommy, it was fun while it lasted (content edited for, you know, gross amounts of blood).

Just two episodes left! Brace yourself for next week friends - I have a feeling it's going to be over the top. Much like Marnie's belt was over her jacket.

Let's Get Out Of Here - Part 2 of 2 - In the Doghouse

Listen, there's a lot of violent stuff happening this season. Amid the brute force of weres and witches and vamps alike, I wanted to make sure to give ample opportunity to ogle the incredible force that is Alcide.

Ohhhhhh yes. A four-dollar grey beater from Wal-Mart? I'm so into that.

Good LORD he's chiseled out of marble! No, wait, not chiseled -- he simply burst out of the earth fully formed and perfectly naked, no hammer or chisel required. Also, his hair is perfect.

Let's talk about poor Debbie for a second. She had a rough year last year: getting hooked on V and sleeping with a crazy wolf (moment of silence for Cooter, please) and trying to kill lots of people... And now she's sober and blonde. Her jealousy of Sookie manifests in many ways.

Aaaaaand she's fallen off the wagon. That only took nine episodes. Bad dog, Debbie, bad dog.

Unfortunately, the Shreveport Pack's current Alpha is greasy Marcus, who seemed suspicious at first, then kind of all right, and now we know the real truth: he's Luna's abusive ex-husband, and he owns approximately two t-shirts, one pair of wrecked jeans, and zero hair ties. Seriously, man, cut it or tie it back.

Hoyt Fortenberry is on the bad dog list too. He's acting like a total whackjob since Jessica dumped him, and it's totally taking me by surprise because he's always been such a sweetheart. Also, Hoyt, that t-shirt needs to be retired. What happened to your nice foray into the realm of American Apparel hoodies??

Bad dog numero uno this week? Tommy Merlotte. His new skinwalking hobby isn't just awkward as heck to watch, it's actually revolting and he's getting himself beat up way more than is normal even for him. He's wearing all of Sam's flannel though, which makes up our entire Plaid Shirt Count for the week.

I really don't even want to talk about Tommy's selection of jacket for his meet-and-greet with Marcus while posing as Sam... I mean, is it all denim? Is that a canvas placket? Is it from the late sixties/early seventies (and not in a good way)? WHO KNOWS.

I also would just like to give a shout out to Roy, the dude-witch who has become Antonia/Marni's teacher's pet. Roy is both awkward and bloodthirsty, which proves to be an obnoxious combination, giving his Wicca wardrobe a military edge (note the oversized green canvas vest. 

Sit, Roy. Stay.

Cold Grey Light of Dawn - Part 2 of 2 - Totally Sunburned

The many misfortunes of Bon Temps! We've already complained about the lack of cute sundresses... seriously, where were they? But here are the real disappointments. Brace yourselves.

Really, seriously, who let Hoyt Fortenberry into Finn's wardrobe on Glee? At least it's a nice blue, Hoyt. Sigh.

I will say that it's nice to see Arelene's hair up for a change instead of in her uniform bouffant, but her jewelry is a little outrageous. I also appreciate that she's trying to keep an eye on Mikey by wearing him to work (also I think it's awesome when moms wear their babies in various wraps and such) but it makes me super nervous that Mikey the Demon Baby of Bon Temps is near the food.

Also of some concern: V-addict Andy Bellefleur trying to date Holly the cool witch. What?! Props to him for buying a new tie, but the suit is a little on the sad side. The color is just not right. Just. Wow.

Bill's still-sort-of-unnamed (I think?) Louisiana vamp sheriffs are kind of... interesting. Edgy, but in a dumbfounded way. Also, apparently True Blood is picking up on the Vampire Diaries' wardrobe staple of uninteresting leather jackets. Meh.

I guess it's just that I'm not really sure who they are yet... and apparently, nobody else is sure either.

Ah! The vampire doctor! I forget her name but she first appeared a few seasons back. She's crotchety and stern and she doesn't take crap from anybody. Not even Pamsicle, who is currently still a screaming, rotting mess. Unfortunately, she doesn't have Pam's fashion flourish, and this amazing... uh... shirt is proof. Granted it seems to be part of her scrubs... but still.

Also, Fangtasia's favorite bloodbank/bartender Ginger is still around, and still has the wardrobe to fit a sleazy 14-year-old who shops at Hot Topic.

Speaking of loud... Oh my, Maxine. Oh MY. The colors! The patterns! I'm overwhelmed, as usual, when it comes to Mama Fortenberry. She's a crazy broad for sure.

Just a shout-out to her incredible sun hat. Presented without further comment.

Maxine's neighbor models a lovely muumuu for us, but it is soon developed in a ball of flames. Because she's a vampire. Surprise. But speaking of vampires bursting into flames...

Marni (now calling herself Antonia the Vampire Slayer) looks a little less dreary in a lighter green gown, but it's still very reminiscent of the burlap sack Antonia got burned at the stake in back in the 1600s. It's ok. We all get into style ruts.

...and Marni's witch gang looks like Hippietown, U.S.A. They appear to be about as bewildered as King Bill's sheriffs, but less punk rock and more Woodstock. Except for Tara. Also, here's one guy in there wearing a gigantic peacock feather necklace. Gigantic. Just saying.

Me and the Devil - Part 1 of 2 - The Power of Christ Compels You!

Episode Synopsis - There's a whole lotta sinnin' goin' on. In other words, it's biz as per use in Bon Temps. Tommy killed his parents (oops), Tara's luvah finds out she's been lying about her identity, the vamps capture Marnie, Eric dreams of killing Sookie, while Jason dreams of getting it on with Jessica...and Hoyt? Meanwhile, Jesus and Lafayette go down Mexico way to pay a visit to Jesus' g-pa, Sookie gets a message from her g-ma to stay the hell away from Marnie, and Arlene and Terry get the least effective spirit-cleansing ever.

Let's start with the pure, the clean, the non-sinners. In other words, let's start with Sookie.

I know, you all love this dress.

I love it too. Unfortunately, it was custom-made by the TB wardrobe crew. Unless you've got mad sewing skills, it will remain but a dream.

Oh, that reminds me - Eric has this dream where he Godric feast on Sookie's delectable neck, but I'm more interested in her dream sleepwear. Look at that wee little giraffe print! And the fuchsia bow!

In real life, her sleepwear is no where near as adorable. In fact, it's heinous. Ladies, do not wear crap like this to bed. You deserve pretty, sexy PJs.

Speaking of sexy, hello Alcide! I have no fashion commentary for this photo. I just though you all might like to see it.

I also don't have much to say about Arlene's camo velour track suit. It's just so many trends that I don't like, all wrapped in one. Snaps for the shot of color with the pink lace, though.

I grabbed this pic not so much for Arlene's slightly dowdy dress, but for Baby Mikey's sweet little Newsies get-up. He might be an evil baby, but he's a stylish evil baby.

Unlike dear old dad. I get that Terry tried, and I applaud him for that. But...just...no.

And what were we all dressing up for? Why for the rootin-est, tootin-est exorcism in these here parts!

Seriously, you guys can not wear pink and sing peppy songs to drive out the devil. You need to wear heavy robes and chant Latin incantations. I know. I saw The Exorcist, and it totally worked.

The Bellefleur-Fowlers do seem to feel better, though. And look at that futuristic bedding! You know, I heard that sleeping on a satin pillowcase is good for your hair. Reduces breakage. That seems like the sort of thing Arlene would know.

Hoyt and Jason hash out the events of the past few days of a spot of breakfast. I'm digging Hoyt's bold stripe shirt. It's a welcome change from plaid.

So is this purple and red pinstriped shirt. Two dapper shirts in one episode? No wonder Jason is dreaming about him!

At first I was disappointed by Jesus's ho-hum striped shirt, but then he put on the fedora and I was all squeeee! I love this hat even more than Baby Mikey's.

All that (snakeskin) luggage, Lafayette? For just a short trip?

Bitch, please. I've got a parka in here.

Oh. So you do. Carry on, then.

¡Hola, abuelo! Here he is, both past and present. Looks like he's ready to kick some culo in either decade.

Also ready to kick ass/take names? Naomi, who wants to kick Tara's ass for taking the name "Toni" and lying about it. I like her tissue-weight tank. Casual, but sexy. Good for pouting. Well played.

Oh hi, Marnie! Hey, you might want to change into something more comfortable, because you're about to go to Vampire jail. What's that? You're already wearing a free-flowing and non-constrictive baggy dress? Well, I guess the only thing to do is protect your neck. Whoops, looks like you've got that covered, too. You think of everything. Except how to reverse spells.

Oh hi, Sam. Thanks for pulling out the obligatory plaid. We almost went plaid-less in this recap. Love the rugged jacket and distressed jeans, too. You wear the Country Boy look well.