True Blood: Let's Boot and Rally

Part 1 of 1: Must be Thursday!

Bill and Eric recruit Sookie in their search for Russell, and we learn that a female Authority member freed Russell (three guesses who!) and that he's recuperating in a creepy asylum. Meanwhile, Jessica takes Tara under her wing - a short-lived friendship as Jessica finds Tara and Hoyt together in the ladies restroom of Fangtasia. Lafayette struggles with his demon and when he calls out for help, Jesus' decapitated head (with mouth sewn shut) arrives with a muffled warning. Jason becomes more convinced his parents were killed by vampires as he investigates the shifters found dead by Sam. Who is later shot - along with Luna - by the same people. And Emma turns into the cutest wolf pup and runs away. Oh, and in-the-storyline-that-no-one-cares-about, Terry remembers a woman who cursed them all into getting killed by a fire Ifrit.

Let's open with Sookie's pink polka-dotted socks. I'm assuming she kept these from when she was five.

You know, back when she looked like this:

We wanted the cute sundresses back, but adorable pink overalls and heart printed turtleneck? Cuteness overload. This is exactly what I wore everyday when I was a tot.

But back to grown-up Sookie. I'd like to thank the True Blood writers for perhaps the most hilarious moment in True Blood history - Sookie throwing up just as she and Alcide are about to finally do it. Also, a gratuitous picture of Alcide's abs. Just 'cause.

Here to pass judgement are Bill Eric. I am so very glad they're out of those ridiculous tracksuits. I won't even fault Bill for wearing another leather jacket because #yum. And Eric looks good in anything, obvs.

Looking less good is Lafayette. "If I wanted to look like a drag queen, I would've raided Lafayette's closet" claims Tara. Only, Lafayette isn't so much about the his fabulous drag queen self these days. Bomber vest with 'Hi Bitch' embroidered in gold?! Is that the best he can do? At least he's wearing a fab printed headscarf.

This is what it's come to. Hoyt is outdressing Lafayette. Freakin' Hoyt.

Although, I don't know what's worse. The cut-off purple vest or the eyeliner and nail polish. Hoyt, does your mama let you out of the house dressed like that?

Mr. Fortenberry isn't the only one with a new look. Damn, Tara. Clearly, better clothes just come with being a vamp. Right?! I love this studded purple corset on her, especially paired with that amaze leather jacket!

Then again, she has this lady's closet to borrow from. Pam, looking trashy-glam (is that even a thing?) in a red patent dress that looks like it would be rather difficult to sit in is pretty much my dream Maker.

Jessica may lack a stylish Maker like Pam, but nevertheless, she can do no wrong in my eyes. She manages to pull off leopard pants. I mean. Leopard. Pants. Also, her hair is a thing of beauty.

More Firetrap...

Still, her vibe is a little more laid-back than Pam/Tara. I'm actually a bit surprised that she got all territorial over Fangbanger Ken.

Because this is more her speed. Ok, and mine. It's pretty much my third favorite (after his uniform, and well, wearing nothing) Jason outfit ever. How adorbs does he look?

I mean, footie pjs!

Also winning a nod for fetching sleepware is Arlene. I'm absolutely in love with this rose-printed silk robe. It's a step up from her bejewelled minis, for sure.

More La Fee Verte...

If Arlene's robe was a curveball, Alcide's plaid was...I don't know, what's the opposite of a curveball? A bunt? A slow under-hand pitch? (I'm a fashion recapper, not a baseball player). For a show that's notorious for its plaid, we only spotted one plaid shirt this week, but that's enough to keep things consistent.

The day that Alcide shows up dressed like this guy, it'll be like a homerun that shatters the scoreboard.

Roman's suits rival that of Chuck Bass'. Which is pretty much the highest honor here at YKYLF. Also, there's something about his attitude that's very Don Draper-esque, which is pretty much our second-highest honor. Well played, Roman. Not bad for a character we don't even care about.

True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Much is the same as last week. Tara is still not enjoying her vampire life (who knew vamps could nap in a walk-in?), Pam is still flashbacking to her early days with Eric (adorbs!), and Bill and Eric are still being held captive by the Authority. I'm starting to get confused on what the Authority wants to do with those boys. They hired Rev. Newlin as their new spokesperson? Really? Then there's poor Jason, haunted by a dalliance with one of his high school teachers. We shouldn't be surprised by that one. 

Hey, remember when Sookie used to wear cute sundresses all the time? We're three episodes in, and I've lost all hope of ever seeing them again. I suppose a hoodie is appropriate attire for racing around Bon Temps trying to find your newly-turned vampire/possibly former best friend, but Seasons 1-4 Sookie would have worn something cuter.

Pam, on the other hand, is having none of that sweatsuit action (remember how quickly she ditched Gran's yellow monstrosity?) She's badass in her leather gettup, complete without fingerless gloves and large cross necklace. 

I would also like to mention Pam's expert curls and makeup. Exhibit A that vamps are always glamorous. Sidenote: Is this where that phrase "vamping it up" comes from? 

While Jason does wonders for a plain t-shirt and zip-up, shirtless is really his best outfit. 

And why is he shirtless? Why, a little reunion with a former high school teacher that he ::ahem:: learned a lot from. You know, this is exactly what I would expect a teacher who had sex with her high school student to look like fifteen years later. Still somewhat attractive, but obviously a bit hard-worn and faded. The years, they have not been kind.

She's still working the cleavage, though. Nice job.

Speaking of time's ravages, Sam is looking older and older these days. It may be time to bring out the Touch of Gray. Or can he shape-shift some of those gray hairs to brown? Does he have those fine motor skills?

The rest of the Merlotte's crew isn't doing much better. Terry has a deep, dark secret, and obvs that means it's time break out the leather jacket from 1982. Put back Terry, just put it back. 

Look, you're making Arlene sad. Oh wait, no...she's just making sure her bra is still there. A black bra under a white t-shirt? Really Arlene? Your hair and makeup is finally starting to calm itself, let's get your clothes in order. 

Rounding out the Merlotte's staff is Lafayette. LA-LA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I mean, besides losing your boyfriend and your cousin and going through all sorts of other trauma. Again, Seasons 1-4 Lafayette would have slapped on some eyeliner, a glitter top, and been over it. These thrift store finds are not ok. Bring back fabulous Lafayette, pls.

Wait a minute. I found Lafayette's eyeliner.

Here's Hoyt, channeling his inner Jared Leto. But unlike Jared Leto (and Lafayette), Hoyt needs to ditch that eyeliner. He's just a mama's boy at heart; not an almost-scary-wannabe-rocker.

I mean, what would Jessica say about his new look? One thing's for sure, this dress is GOR-geous. Perfect fit. Perfect color. If Jessica had to wear one outfit for the rest of her life, this should be it.

More Valentino...

But it's a good thing Vampires aren't stuck with one outfit for all etinerity. Why is Eric in a track suit so hilarious? I literally can't stop laughing at the awkwardness. It's like when I first saw Mark Paul Gosselaar without the blond Zach Morris hair. Eric needs to lose the track suit, stat.

Thanks. That's better.

For as nice as Shirtless Eric and Shirtless Bill are, this Salome woman is really stealing the show. Exhibit B, further proving that Vampires are always glamorous -- they dress up in fancy gowns for no reason at all. 

More Salvatore Ferragamo...

Exhibit C: Who else could rock a silky robe with feathery cuffs? 

A Vamp, that's who. Not even Season 1-4 Sookie could pull this off.

And When I Die - Part 1 of 2 - Sinners

Episode Synopsis: Listen, y'all, this season finale was so cuh-RAY-zee that I don't even know where to start. Lafayette, possessed by Marni, tortures Jesus until he gives up his super-strong-Mexican-juju-magic, and then kills him. Jason tells Hoyt that he slept with Jessica, and Hoyt beats the crap out of him. Alcide has kicked Debbie out for good and asks Sookie (in a very roundabout way) if she will consider being with him so they can stay out of trouble together. Sookie turns him down, and then tells Eric and Bill that she can't choose either of them, either. For those of you keeping track, that's THREE hot men she turned down this episode. Bill and Eric murder Nan Flanagan and her guards, Alcide discovers that a vamp (Russell Edgington?) has broken free from his concrete prison, and Jason is visited by Vamp!Reverend Newlin. Ghost René warns Arlene that Terry and his old army pal are nothing but trouble. Sookie, Tara, and Holly call on Bon Temps spirits for help with Marni/Lafayette, and Antonia and Gran (!!!) appear to bring Marni to the other side. Debbie shows up to kill Sookie with a shotgun, but Tara jumps in the way and gets blasted. Sookie then shoots Debbie in the neck (ouch) before realizing that Tara is really not ok. And now, all I can say is "WHAT?!"

Lafayette is possessed by Marni. He is also possessed with a fierceness that mere mortals generally don't experience.

Please experience now his fierce kimono. I'm not digging the yellow track pants, but I love the kimono. Did Marni inherit some fashion sense when she took over his body??

GASP. Apparently not.

What IS that? I'll tell you. That is a muumuu, my friends. A MUUMUU. Lafayette probably owns the muumuu for comical, sassy, just-lyin-around-the-house purposes... either that or Marni possessed Lafayette and after killing Jesus (sob) made straight for the nearest hippie store for a shopping spree. Yikes, y'all.

King Bill has an unending supply of tailored suits. I like the gray tie on this one though...

...but as we all know, Bill and Eric are at their best when they're chained up to a stake and mostly naked. Well, maybe not chained to a stake. But definitely the mostly naked bit. Definitely.

Also, of COURSE poor Ginger went as a sexy nurse for Halloween. It's appropriate because she's been taking care of poor Pamsicle all season while Eric's been out tooting around with Sookie and fighting witches. Ginger probably only has one Halloween costume, actually, come to think of it.

Speaking of people with only one outfit.... Alcide is wearing the same plaid shirt we saw him in like six episodes ago. Sigh. Buddy, when are you gonna learn? Sookie isn't attracted to flannel. We all remember how well Sam fared with that tactic season 1.

Unfortunately, Hoyt is not doing so well either... Granted, these are his work duds, but when you look at what heartbroken Hoyt is wearing versus what Jason is wearing... you kinda can't blame Jess. Really.

Purrrrrrrr. So casual. So yummy.

And later on, a lil more skin from Mr. Stackhouse. Yes, please.

Jess shows up on Halloween lookin' like a sessy Little Red Riding Hood, and if Jason thought he would get away with being a Good Guy and Doing The Right Thing By Making Her Leave Without Them Doing Anything, he was sorely mistaken.

Booya.

Nan shows up in her biker bitchy glory, with a new leather jacket, a new armed and armored entourage, and a paranoia to rival ol' Russell's back in season 3.... But Bill and Eric don't want no revolution, so they cut the guards' heads off and stake the heck outta Nan.

Gross. Can't believe they finally took her out. As Eric said: "What a bitch."

Burning Down The House - Part 2 of 2 - BRB, Just Gonna Chill In The Sun

First, let’s get this out of the way: Arlene and Terry in their robes. Come on guys, can’t you switch it up just a little? The whole “Madam Butterfly” role playing game has got to feel stale. At least in his normal clothes, Terry looks rather fetching... for a gun toting Southerner who’s always one step away from a mental breakdown. Andy, you... well... you just keep doing what you're doing. Try and get off the junk, huh?

Oh look, we have a fashion challenge on our hands! Who wore it better: the drape edition. First we have Antonia, rocking a truly inspired hair care regimen. Girlfriend was into teased locks back during the Inquisition. Points for the hair, but demerits for the stained tarp she’s been rocking for centuries. I don't care if you're a ghost - figure it out. On the other hand, Marni's decided to update that whole “persecuted witch” look with a (surprise!) belted sheet and limp hair. Hmm, tough call ladies but, in my professional opinion, I’m going to say that Antonia wins. Why? She was burned at the stake when owning a hairbrush was a luxury meant for aristocrats... what’s Marni’s excuse? 

Speaking of excuses, here’s a pathetic one for a coven. Did Marnie swing by Berkley for a few freshmen before starting her little witch organization? This looks like the Invasion of the Crunchy Clan. Antsy about being held captive? Why don't you just magic up some more quinoa, sir?

Guess who hasn’t changed clothes because they’re in a hostage situation? Holly and Tara! It’s nice to see the ladies bond.

He might be concerned for his cousin, but Lafayette doesn’t let a little grief rain on his fashion parade. Girl, can we talk about the slippers? Comfort over style? Who do you think you are - Sookie?

At least in the unending parade of patronizing looks from Jesus, he manages to pull together a more subdued, yet fashionable look. That robe? It’s nothing to write a blog about...

 but darling sugar-pie honeybunch, those boots? Let’s get married, you sultry Latin ‘mo. I’ve even forgiven you for wearing cargo pants. Well, I’m still working on that but I promise I’ll get over it. Sorry, but they're never coming back. No matter how many GAP commercials you reference.

Of course, it’s better than your freaky tribal look. Ew. I hate ear stretchers.

Hoyt seems pretty stoked to have broken up with Jessica. Or, to have been broken up with by Jessica. Either way, he’s the most adorable mama’s boy I’ve ever met. Actually, I’ve had a crush on Hoyt since Season One. You may have noticed that I have a proclivity towards men of a larger nature. That’s why I think Hoyt, in this hideous ribbed v-neck, is far more attractive than Jason. 

Yeah, I said it - I’ll pause for a collective gasp. Jason, you going to be OK?

You guys, is he wearing yoga pants? That cut off at the calf? I don’t care if they’re sweatpants rolled up, they look like short yoga pants. Even for yoga, short pants are never a good idea. That’s why we have shorts. Repetition is the most effective learning tool.

Somehow, in this sea of American Apparel hoodies and scooping neck lines for men, I don’t have total confidence in our miniature Scooby Squad. Though it is slightly refreshing to see Lafayette without a head covering; too bad he has that dreadhawk thing going on. 

So, if you’re a supernatural being, and you know when weird things are happening, do you involve yourself in some way? Or do you shack up with a dirty trick who offers you the possibility of more V and a werebaby? Wait... don’t answer that... Debbie’s beat you to the punch.

Alcide wasn’t topless this week, even though Debs was pretty darn close. Shame. Even though he doesn’t do a bad job of filling out this plaid shirt, I’ve become accustomed to seeing some skin every week. Best part of this photo? The way Alcide dwarfs Sam; the man is a brickhouse!

So is that why Sam looks pretty distraught? I mean, he is sporting the same shirt as before, but it’s a nice shade of blue and the fabric seems to be all natural - what’s the problem? 

Oh. Right. The whole Tommy dying thing. Sorry Tommy, it was fun while it lasted (content edited for, you know, gross amounts of blood).

Just two episodes left! Brace yourself for next week friends - I have a feeling it's going to be over the top. Much like Marnie's belt was over her jacket.

Let's Get Out Of Here - Part 2 of 2 - In the Doghouse

Listen, there's a lot of violent stuff happening this season. Amid the brute force of weres and witches and vamps alike, I wanted to make sure to give ample opportunity to ogle the incredible force that is Alcide.

Ohhhhhh yes. A four-dollar grey beater from Wal-Mart? I'm so into that.

Good LORD he's chiseled out of marble! No, wait, not chiseled -- he simply burst out of the earth fully formed and perfectly naked, no hammer or chisel required. Also, his hair is perfect.

Let's talk about poor Debbie for a second. She had a rough year last year: getting hooked on V and sleeping with a crazy wolf (moment of silence for Cooter, please) and trying to kill lots of people... And now she's sober and blonde. Her jealousy of Sookie manifests in many ways.

Aaaaaand she's fallen off the wagon. That only took nine episodes. Bad dog, Debbie, bad dog.

Unfortunately, the Shreveport Pack's current Alpha is greasy Marcus, who seemed suspicious at first, then kind of all right, and now we know the real truth: he's Luna's abusive ex-husband, and he owns approximately two t-shirts, one pair of wrecked jeans, and zero hair ties. Seriously, man, cut it or tie it back.

Hoyt Fortenberry is on the bad dog list too. He's acting like a total whackjob since Jessica dumped him, and it's totally taking me by surprise because he's always been such a sweetheart. Also, Hoyt, that t-shirt needs to be retired. What happened to your nice foray into the realm of American Apparel hoodies??

Bad dog numero uno this week? Tommy Merlotte. His new skinwalking hobby isn't just awkward as heck to watch, it's actually revolting and he's getting himself beat up way more than is normal even for him. He's wearing all of Sam's flannel though, which makes up our entire Plaid Shirt Count for the week.

I really don't even want to talk about Tommy's selection of jacket for his meet-and-greet with Marcus while posing as Sam... I mean, is it all denim? Is that a canvas placket? Is it from the late sixties/early seventies (and not in a good way)? WHO KNOWS.

I also would just like to give a shout out to Roy, the dude-witch who has become Antonia/Marni's teacher's pet. Roy is both awkward and bloodthirsty, which proves to be an obnoxious combination, giving his Wicca wardrobe a military edge (note the oversized green canvas vest. 

Sit, Roy. Stay.