I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 2 of 2 - The Supernatural Contingent

I guess it was easier for HBO to name the series True Blood rather than: Vampires! And werewolves. And fairies. Probably Some Other Were-animal Things. Oh, Don’t Forget About the Witches. Wait, There are Shape-shifters too, Right? Whatever, We’re Not at Our Peak Until We Use a Unicorn.

I’m saving the best for last so get over it now, friends - and you KNOW what I’m talking ‘bout.

I’m not sure if I need to credit the costume department or the make-up department (or lack thereof) for Lindsay Pulsipher’s transformation into Crystal Norris. Seriously, in real life this girl is a bombshell, but here she is the definition of Meth Chic. Ugh, I feel filthy for using the word “chic” in conjunction with “meth”. At any rate, while Crystal might be Jason’s ideal woman, I just can’t see why he’s be into stringy hair and soiled sundresses. Especially after the kidnapping, torture and umm...unpleasantries in the bedroom.

Felton, Crystal’s brother-husband, or uncle-cousin, or whatever his hick title may be, is just all around gross. Which is a shame because again, in real life, the dude is handsome. Maybe it’s the sleeveless shirt, mudstompin’ boots and freaky addict like personality that’s turning me off. Anyone else find it crazy that this backwater town in Louisiana has some of the fittest men you’ve ever laid eyes on?

Wait... something’s not right here. Sam Merlotte is looking rugged and handsome as usual but he “looks” different. Oh, I think I- yeah, I’ve got it! NO PLAID. I figured that was like his reverse kryptonite and that Sam always had to wear plaid or he’d die or explode or something. Kudos Sam, you wear that basic shirt very well. Maybe next time we can live really crazy and try a lighter colour?

You know who rocks some colour this week? Luna, obviously. This is such a cute dress and the pattern is subtle enough to make her look like a fun mom opposed to a “I need to recapture my youth!!!” mom. Plus, she’s a total babe. Remember that Maryann chick? Yeah, this is miles beyond comparison. 

But no matter what Luna wears, she always has the best accessory - an adorable child! Though, I might counsel her on the “less is more” school of thought in fashion. 

This week, Tommy made his triumphant return home to his mama, Melinda. Nice to see he dressed up for her.

Yeah, REALLY nice to see he put some effort in procuring his Canadian tuxedo. Dude, when you go home to look like a big shot, don’t wear denim everywhere, OK? At least put on some big boy pants.

Of course, when your maternal models are these two, I can only have sympathy for Tommy. I mean, Maxine Fortenberry always look like a Parisian pastry that got trapped in Graceland overnight, while Melinda is a sociopath who competes in dog fights. I can’t say much about her wardrobe but I’ve always been curious as to what her hair would look like unleashed. 

Side note: I couldn’t be happier that Joe Lee is wearing clothes this season. The old manny panties from last season still haunt me.

But it could always be worse right? You could be a nameless panther lady with bad posture. 

Ohai Lafayette, girl! How you doin’? I don’t know how the man does it every week, but Lafayette manages to kill it in his own personal way. The satin jacket is priceless but I think the real win is his silky head wrap; record scratch worthy. You’d have to have a set of brass ones to wear something like this in the South, male or female. 

Can I get an amen on that?!

Tara, always a pleasure. I will say  I’m thrilled that cage fighting has brought out some common sense in you re: your hair. Perfection, my lovely.

Jesus, I thought I was watching Vampire Diaries for a moment. Is leather really a viable option in the sweltering Louisiana Bayou? It’s so cute how tame he is compared to LaFayette.

There’s no use throwing your hands up, Marni. We know you actually intend to dress like that, coin belt and all. Why do television witches all take their cues from Stevie Nicks? Have none of you ever seen the Witches of Eastwick? Cher is a stone cold fox in that movie and there’s not a single flowing garment to be found on her person.

This guy has nothing to do with the story other than being in Marni’s dream. But aren’t you glad True Blood isn’t set during the Spanish Inquisition? Look at that collar! 

OK, just one more photo before we get to the goods. For your reading pleasure, I present Crazy Debbie. GIrl, I don’t care how many books you read in a faux kimono, that hair is always going to scream V-swilling murderous skank to me. You’re trying too hard, bro.

Alright, friends... here he is in all his glory... ALCIDE.

How do I even... I just don’t... blurg. I’m not going to write a caption lest it take away from the visual wonder that is Alcide’s torso. YOU COULD GRATE CEMENT ON THOSE ABDOMNIALS.

OK, I’ll be fine. I just need a drink. Check back next week for more snark and, hopefully, more topless shots of Alcide. I’ll see y’all before the season’s out!