True Blood: Gone, Gone, Gone

Episode Synopsis: the Authority continues to pretend that they aren't devout Sanguinists, but Russell tires of that, vowing to "have the sun", aka fairy blood. Eric pretends to accept Lilith, and Bill brings Jessica to the AVL to keep her safe. Back in Bon Temps, Sookie and Jason find a contract that gives them another puzzle to figure out, Tara offs the new sheriff, Jessica glamors Hoyt into forgetting all about her and Jason, and Sam and Luna go on a rescue mission as mice. You know, just the usual shenanigans.

Let's start things off fabulously, shall we? Lafayette's over-the-top ridiculous ensembles are back, complete with headscarf and giant sparkly 'L' buckle. Just in case you forgot who he was.

I'm going to ignore the single feather earring (does Lala watch Pretty Little Liars?), because the leopard print tank + sparkly sweater? AWESOME.

Also note-worthy: his baby blue snakeskin kicks. Did you steal these from Billy?

I think Pam's outfit confirms that they read YKYLF in Bon Temps.

Clearly she borred this look from Zoe's collection of spiked leather jackets. But the leather dress? All Pam. Plus her hair is looking back to its glam self after the horrid crimping mess of late.

...or apparently I spoke too soon? It looks like Pam let a three-year-old play hairdresser on her (as if...Pam wouldn't go near a kid with a ten-foot pole). Love the merlot, Victorian inspired dress, though.

Speaking of Pam and her progeny, Tara is seriously killing it. The McQueen-esque jacket and spiked jewellery are a far cry from her old wardrobe. Vamp=fabulous as far as I'm concerned.

So in love with Tara's cobalt leather jacket. She accessorizes nicely with a giant sword from Eric's Viking days.

Actually, no, the sword was to kill Eric's sad replacement, Nigel, who favors Mardi Gras jewels and ripped jeans. Thank goodness he's gone. I really didn't feel like recapping his outfits.

Let's hope Eric will be back soon to take his rightful place, because the poor boy is still trapped in the AVL's headquarters, divested of his leather jacket.

Probably because the rest of the Authority didn't want anyone thinking he was a part of their leather brigade... there seems to be a predilection to leather in the AVL, no?

They've even got Jess in on it!

They do branch out, though. Like Salome's elegant, but boring navy dress.

Or Nora's awesome burgundy cutout dress.

I guess jewel tones are the thing at the AVL. Jewel tones and leather. Just in case you get an invite to one of their parties.

And then there's Rosalyn, a proper Southern women in her pearls and tweed jackets.

Or Kibwe (that's really his name. I looked it up Wikipedia.) and his bizarre patterns and odd choice of a cravat and grandpa sweater.

Back to Jessica. She actually looks like... a normal teenager. Not a fabulous baby vamp whose daddy is the King.

Mad love for her dangly heart earrings though. It's all about the accessories.

And accessorizing with weapons is the new thing! Here Sookie pairs her blah floral pjs with a sleek gun.

I honsetly think Bill needs to come back to Bon Temps because Sookie is in a sartorial rut. WHERE ARE THE CUTE SUNDRESSES?!? Here we have a conservative rose-printed dress... paired with adorable slippers. Oh Sookie, so predictable.

Maybe she can learn a thing or two from her fairy friends. Morella is an absolutely stunning in this silk handkerchief dress. I love the pattern, and the color is totally in line with the fae's tendency towards the gaudy/tacky.

Speaking of tacky, that's exactly what Morella's costume jewellery is.

And the fae-boys are in on it, too. Not many guys can pull off Chinese-inspired silk tops. It must be a fairy thing, because Claude does it effortlessly.

Wait... do you think Lafayette could be a fairy? Who but La-La gives the fae a run for their money in the Tacky Olympics?

True Blood: In The Beginning

Tonight, on a very special True Blood... Russell, Eric and Bill and the remaining chancellors get CRUNK on Lilith's blood and storm out onto the streets of New Orleans. A good time is had by all (except the people they kill) culminating with a naked lady springing out of the spilled blood. Hey there, Lilith! Lafayette goes to Don Bartolo's casa in Mexico to get some answers on Jesus' fate, but instead gets all tied up and tortured. At the last second before Lala is killed, Don's preggo girlfriend straight-up murders Don Bartolo. WHOSE SIDE IS SHE ON and what's in her belly because totes it isn't human.

ALSO: Sam helps Andy hunt down the hate crime perps, Alcide "trains" to kick his packmaster's ass, Jason shoots Jess in the head, Tara's mom disowns her, and Hoyt joins the aforementioned hate group. It was a busy night.

I'd like to start things off here on a positive note, so here's Alcide's abs. Homina homina homina! Although Martha is kinda right when she calls him "Rambo." What is that bandanna, Alcide?

Ok, that was pleasant. Now for the rest of the recap.

We see the return of some floral prints to Sookie's wardrobe, layered with boots and a dark denim jacket. Super cute for visiting Luna and Sam in the hospital and also nice for moments of riveting self-doubt and existential crisis. It's an appropriately dark ensemble, I suppose.

Bless Jess for adding color to the insanity! I am starting to think she has the most costume changes in the whole show. This silky robe is loud, yes, but fun, and suits her wild and fickle tastes. Also, her hair looks fab.

Right, hair! This crimped hair is an interesting development compared to Pam's usual voluptuous curls. It's... uh... fun? Maybe she was feeling nostalgic for the 80s?

80s Pam. Now there's a thought. I do believe I'd enjoy seeing the various vamps throughout the various decades. Can you imagine Eric in the 60s?

But let's focus on Tara in the 2010s. Holy -- ! Well, I suppose this was only a matter of time. Since, you know, Pam is her maker. Wow. Also, not the outfit I'd want to be caught dead in when my mom walked in. (You get it? Dead? Cause Tara's a vampire now? Haha....right.) The zipper-choker looks particularly uncomfortable.

Poor Tara's mom - a minister's wife in Fangtasia. Those gloves. The feathered hair. That print. How insanely awkward.

Wait, no, I don't feel bad for her. She was a psycho alcoholic who beat Tara with glass bottles in previous seasons. That was insane.

Speaking of insane, the fairy nightclub workers look like Britney Spears backup dancers from the Circus tour. Or rather, if a high school drama director was going for the Britney Spears Backup Dancer Look. So confusing.

How many layers does she have on, anyway? It looks like this outfit would take a very long time to get into.

Club Fae is too much. How about a palette cleanser? 

Oh, Nora. Eric is so totally pissed at you. But your hair is so perfectly neat and your snug black blazer is so simple and elegant! I'm hoping we'll get to see Nora in something more fancy, but it's hard when Salome is around, hogging the fashion spotlight.

See, look at these goddess-curls and the gold cuff. Her black silhouette is not a slinky little dress like one might think, oh no -- it's a pantsuit. Palazzo pants, I might add. With an obi-style leather belt (I'm assuming leather because pleather is not a vamp's style.) She looks gorgeous as usual, so it's no wonder everyone goes along with the plan and drinks up.

Especially when the other chancellors consider this outfit haute couture. Seriously, who is this vamp and who is her stylist??

Well you know Russell is a happy camper, now that he's been brought back to full power by the Authority, no less. His blue tie is actually really nice here, despite how much I dislike him as a being and wish that Bill and Eric had killed him when they had the chance.

This girl singing karaoke for her drunk and teary family (and presumably new husband in the front row) both stands and dresses like a Glee reject. I actually thought they were trying to reference Wizard of Oz with the blue dress and green curtains in the back -- she looked like Dorothy for a hot second. Oh, and I would make a crack about ruby slippers and the amount of blood she's about to lose, but I won't.

Bill and Eric are STILL wearing their leather jackets, dark tees and dark denim. That makes...what? Two outfits this entire season? Maybe three?

I just wanted to point out that at some point during their drunk rampage in N'Awlins, Bill gets a piggy back ride from Eric. You're welcome.

True Blood: Hopeless

Part 1 of 2: The Gentlemen

This week on The Twilight Zone True Blood: The Scooby Gang (aka Sookie and her man-ions) are finally enjoying their fond reunion with Russell Edgington when the Authority swoops in and captures him. Sam and Luna entrust Martha to take care of Emma while they practice some vigilante justice in order to find out who's killing shifters. Jason contemplates some vigilante justice of his own, taking Sookie to the fairy nightclub to get some answers about their parents' death. Meanwhile, Terry leaves town to protect his family from the fire monster, Tara continues to wrestle with both her new identity and Jessica, while Hoyt becomes even more sad. I didn't realize that was possible.

Hopeless is certainly a good word to describe life in this sleepy little Louisiana town. Well, not completely, I suppose - judging by Alcide's abs they at least have a good gym in the vicinity:

It's all about quality of life in a community, right? That makes two episodes in a row that open with these babies and all I have to say is 'well done, producers'.

Sadly, our rock-hard wolf here stays fully clothed for the rest of the episode, but thankfully in a pretty hot outfit.

Chambray shirt and leather jacket - a little bit chic, a little bit blue collar. Suitable for covering the muscles, yet still showing the shape, yet practical for when those claws and fangs decide to spring out (and the clothes fall in the dirt). And can I get an amen for a man's shirt on this show that is NOT a henley or an undershirt?

Hmmm...it appears I spoke too soon.

Well, Jason was sleeping so I suppose I can accept the undershirt as a practical pj option for a steamy night in the South. At least he's dressed like a grown man and not a five year old on Christmas morning.

Besides, the dream that he has in this scene is one I wouldn't mind having sometime:

Why, hello, Mr. Stackhouse! I can see where Jason gets his good looks from. Ok, I realize that this is a whole 'Field of Dreams' moment and that if he were still around today he would be a 50-something with a beer belly and a creepy sneer, but his imaginary self is attractive. And he's wearing a button-up shirt that is NOT plaid!

Speaking of which, what is with the ghosts in this town dressing better than the real, alive people?! Remember the beautiful vintage-dressed black lady lurking around Arlene and Terry's house last season? People, it's pretty sad when your dead people are more fashionable than you. That should really speak volumes.

Oh hai, plaid shirt! How've you been? Haven't seen you in a while - how was your vacation? See any sundresses in your travels?

Sadly, the rest of the male crew were a pretty big snoozefest in the wardrobe department. Eric and Bill were in the same old black leather jackets that they have been in almost the entire season, which, although I agree are slick and go with the whole 'undead creature of the night' vibe they are putting down, they are nothing to write home to Grams about, know what I am saying ladies?

 

...wait...what was I saying?...

Right, clothing *ahem* So, Lafayette's (I am counting him under the "Guys" section, although he's kind of between camps) depression continues to manifest itself in his wardrobe (le sigh). While he did manage to put on a fab tiger-print headscarf, the jean jacket and yoga sweater layers are not doing you any favours. Someone needs to get La-La some uppers, stat; or better yet, give them to me because I just can't take any more of these construction-worker ensembles!! 

*sadface* is THE look for Summer 2012. 

But, hark, what is that I see?! A lavendar collared shirt and dress pants?! We can't be in Bon Temps anymore, Toto:

We are now at the Authority HQ - where people actually put effort into their appearance (this man had a beret on earlier - a BERET, y'all). THIS is a gentleman. This outfit is basically a high-end version of Alcide's above leather jacket and collared shirt, but sans danger of getting wolf spit all over it (just the blood of Lilith but whatevs - blood comes right out...not that I would know).

True Blood: Let's Boot and Rally

Part 1 of 1: Must be Thursday!

Bill and Eric recruit Sookie in their search for Russell, and we learn that a female Authority member freed Russell (three guesses who!) and that he's recuperating in a creepy asylum. Meanwhile, Jessica takes Tara under her wing - a short-lived friendship as Jessica finds Tara and Hoyt together in the ladies restroom of Fangtasia. Lafayette struggles with his demon and when he calls out for help, Jesus' decapitated head (with mouth sewn shut) arrives with a muffled warning. Jason becomes more convinced his parents were killed by vampires as he investigates the shifters found dead by Sam. Who is later shot - along with Luna - by the same people. And Emma turns into the cutest wolf pup and runs away. Oh, and in-the-storyline-that-no-one-cares-about, Terry remembers a woman who cursed them all into getting killed by a fire Ifrit.

Let's open with Sookie's pink polka-dotted socks. I'm assuming she kept these from when she was five.

You know, back when she looked like this:

We wanted the cute sundresses back, but adorable pink overalls and heart printed turtleneck? Cuteness overload. This is exactly what I wore everyday when I was a tot.

But back to grown-up Sookie. I'd like to thank the True Blood writers for perhaps the most hilarious moment in True Blood history - Sookie throwing up just as she and Alcide are about to finally do it. Also, a gratuitous picture of Alcide's abs. Just 'cause.

Here to pass judgement are Bill Eric. I am so very glad they're out of those ridiculous tracksuits. I won't even fault Bill for wearing another leather jacket because #yum. And Eric looks good in anything, obvs.

Looking less good is Lafayette. "If I wanted to look like a drag queen, I would've raided Lafayette's closet" claims Tara. Only, Lafayette isn't so much about the his fabulous drag queen self these days. Bomber vest with 'Hi Bitch' embroidered in gold?! Is that the best he can do? At least he's wearing a fab printed headscarf.

This is what it's come to. Hoyt is outdressing Lafayette. Freakin' Hoyt.

Although, I don't know what's worse. The cut-off purple vest or the eyeliner and nail polish. Hoyt, does your mama let you out of the house dressed like that?

Mr. Fortenberry isn't the only one with a new look. Damn, Tara. Clearly, better clothes just come with being a vamp. Right?! I love this studded purple corset on her, especially paired with that amaze leather jacket!

Then again, she has this lady's closet to borrow from. Pam, looking trashy-glam (is that even a thing?) in a red patent dress that looks like it would be rather difficult to sit in is pretty much my dream Maker.

Jessica may lack a stylish Maker like Pam, but nevertheless, she can do no wrong in my eyes. She manages to pull off leopard pants. I mean. Leopard. Pants. Also, her hair is a thing of beauty.

More Firetrap...

Still, her vibe is a little more laid-back than Pam/Tara. I'm actually a bit surprised that she got all territorial over Fangbanger Ken.

Because this is more her speed. Ok, and mine. It's pretty much my third favorite (after his uniform, and well, wearing nothing) Jason outfit ever. How adorbs does he look?

I mean, footie pjs!

Also winning a nod for fetching sleepware is Arlene. I'm absolutely in love with this rose-printed silk robe. It's a step up from her bejewelled minis, for sure.

More La Fee Verte...

If Arlene's robe was a curveball, Alcide's plaid was...I don't know, what's the opposite of a curveball? A bunt? A slow under-hand pitch? (I'm a fashion recapper, not a baseball player). For a show that's notorious for its plaid, we only spotted one plaid shirt this week, but that's enough to keep things consistent.

The day that Alcide shows up dressed like this guy, it'll be like a homerun that shatters the scoreboard.

Roman's suits rival that of Chuck Bass'. Which is pretty much the highest honor here at YKYLF. Also, there's something about his attitude that's very Don Draper-esque, which is pretty much our second-highest honor. Well played, Roman. Not bad for a character we don't even care about.

True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Much is the same as last week. Tara is still not enjoying her vampire life (who knew vamps could nap in a walk-in?), Pam is still flashbacking to her early days with Eric (adorbs!), and Bill and Eric are still being held captive by the Authority. I'm starting to get confused on what the Authority wants to do with those boys. They hired Rev. Newlin as their new spokesperson? Really? Then there's poor Jason, haunted by a dalliance with one of his high school teachers. We shouldn't be surprised by that one. 

Hey, remember when Sookie used to wear cute sundresses all the time? We're three episodes in, and I've lost all hope of ever seeing them again. I suppose a hoodie is appropriate attire for racing around Bon Temps trying to find your newly-turned vampire/possibly former best friend, but Seasons 1-4 Sookie would have worn something cuter.

Pam, on the other hand, is having none of that sweatsuit action (remember how quickly she ditched Gran's yellow monstrosity?) She's badass in her leather gettup, complete without fingerless gloves and large cross necklace. 

I would also like to mention Pam's expert curls and makeup. Exhibit A that vamps are always glamorous. Sidenote: Is this where that phrase "vamping it up" comes from? 

While Jason does wonders for a plain t-shirt and zip-up, shirtless is really his best outfit. 

And why is he shirtless? Why, a little reunion with a former high school teacher that he ::ahem:: learned a lot from. You know, this is exactly what I would expect a teacher who had sex with her high school student to look like fifteen years later. Still somewhat attractive, but obviously a bit hard-worn and faded. The years, they have not been kind.

She's still working the cleavage, though. Nice job.

Speaking of time's ravages, Sam is looking older and older these days. It may be time to bring out the Touch of Gray. Or can he shape-shift some of those gray hairs to brown? Does he have those fine motor skills?

The rest of the Merlotte's crew isn't doing much better. Terry has a deep, dark secret, and obvs that means it's time break out the leather jacket from 1982. Put back Terry, just put it back. 

Look, you're making Arlene sad. Oh wait, no...she's just making sure her bra is still there. A black bra under a white t-shirt? Really Arlene? Your hair and makeup is finally starting to calm itself, let's get your clothes in order. 

Rounding out the Merlotte's staff is Lafayette. LA-LA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I mean, besides losing your boyfriend and your cousin and going through all sorts of other trauma. Again, Seasons 1-4 Lafayette would have slapped on some eyeliner, a glitter top, and been over it. These thrift store finds are not ok. Bring back fabulous Lafayette, pls.

Wait a minute. I found Lafayette's eyeliner.

Here's Hoyt, channeling his inner Jared Leto. But unlike Jared Leto (and Lafayette), Hoyt needs to ditch that eyeliner. He's just a mama's boy at heart; not an almost-scary-wannabe-rocker.

I mean, what would Jessica say about his new look? One thing's for sure, this dress is GOR-geous. Perfect fit. Perfect color. If Jessica had to wear one outfit for the rest of her life, this should be it.

More Valentino...

But it's a good thing Vampires aren't stuck with one outfit for all etinerity. Why is Eric in a track suit so hilarious? I literally can't stop laughing at the awkwardness. It's like when I first saw Mark Paul Gosselaar without the blond Zach Morris hair. Eric needs to lose the track suit, stat.

Thanks. That's better.

For as nice as Shirtless Eric and Shirtless Bill are, this Salome woman is really stealing the show. Exhibit B, further proving that Vampires are always glamorous -- they dress up in fancy gowns for no reason at all. 

More Salvatore Ferragamo...

Exhibit C: Who else could rock a silky robe with feathery cuffs? 

A Vamp, that's who. Not even Season 1-4 Sookie could pull this off.