I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 2 of 2 - The Supernatural Contingent

I guess it was easier for HBO to name the series True Blood rather than: Vampires! And werewolves. And fairies. Probably Some Other Were-animal Things. Oh, Don’t Forget About the Witches. Wait, There are Shape-shifters too, Right? Whatever, We’re Not at Our Peak Until We Use a Unicorn.

I’m saving the best for last so get over it now, friends - and you KNOW what I’m talking ‘bout.

I’m not sure if I need to credit the costume department or the make-up department (or lack thereof) for Lindsay Pulsipher’s transformation into Crystal Norris. Seriously, in real life this girl is a bombshell, but here she is the definition of Meth Chic. Ugh, I feel filthy for using the word “chic” in conjunction with “meth”. At any rate, while Crystal might be Jason’s ideal woman, I just can’t see why he’s be into stringy hair and soiled sundresses. Especially after the kidnapping, torture and umm...unpleasantries in the bedroom.

Felton, Crystal’s brother-husband, or uncle-cousin, or whatever his hick title may be, is just all around gross. Which is a shame because again, in real life, the dude is handsome. Maybe it’s the sleeveless shirt, mudstompin’ boots and freaky addict like personality that’s turning me off. Anyone else find it crazy that this backwater town in Louisiana has some of the fittest men you’ve ever laid eyes on?

Wait... something’s not right here. Sam Merlotte is looking rugged and handsome as usual but he “looks” different. Oh, I think I- yeah, I’ve got it! NO PLAID. I figured that was like his reverse kryptonite and that Sam always had to wear plaid or he’d die or explode or something. Kudos Sam, you wear that basic shirt very well. Maybe next time we can live really crazy and try a lighter colour?

You know who rocks some colour this week? Luna, obviously. This is such a cute dress and the pattern is subtle enough to make her look like a fun mom opposed to a “I need to recapture my youth!!!” mom. Plus, she’s a total babe. Remember that Maryann chick? Yeah, this is miles beyond comparison. 

But no matter what Luna wears, she always has the best accessory - an adorable child! Though, I might counsel her on the “less is more” school of thought in fashion. 

This week, Tommy made his triumphant return home to his mama, Melinda. Nice to see he dressed up for her.

Yeah, REALLY nice to see he put some effort in procuring his Canadian tuxedo. Dude, when you go home to look like a big shot, don’t wear denim everywhere, OK? At least put on some big boy pants.

Of course, when your maternal models are these two, I can only have sympathy for Tommy. I mean, Maxine Fortenberry always look like a Parisian pastry that got trapped in Graceland overnight, while Melinda is a sociopath who competes in dog fights. I can’t say much about her wardrobe but I’ve always been curious as to what her hair would look like unleashed. 

Side note: I couldn’t be happier that Joe Lee is wearing clothes this season. The old manny panties from last season still haunt me.

But it could always be worse right? You could be a nameless panther lady with bad posture. 

Ohai Lafayette, girl! How you doin’? I don’t know how the man does it every week, but Lafayette manages to kill it in his own personal way. The satin jacket is priceless but I think the real win is his silky head wrap; record scratch worthy. You’d have to have a set of brass ones to wear something like this in the South, male or female. 

Can I get an amen on that?!

Tara, always a pleasure. I will say  I’m thrilled that cage fighting has brought out some common sense in you re: your hair. Perfection, my lovely.

Jesus, I thought I was watching Vampire Diaries for a moment. Is leather really a viable option in the sweltering Louisiana Bayou? It’s so cute how tame he is compared to LaFayette.

There’s no use throwing your hands up, Marni. We know you actually intend to dress like that, coin belt and all. Why do television witches all take their cues from Stevie Nicks? Have none of you ever seen the Witches of Eastwick? Cher is a stone cold fox in that movie and there’s not a single flowing garment to be found on her person.

This guy has nothing to do with the story other than being in Marni’s dream. But aren’t you glad True Blood isn’t set during the Spanish Inquisition? Look at that collar! 

OK, just one more photo before we get to the goods. For your reading pleasure, I present Crazy Debbie. GIrl, I don’t care how many books you read in a faux kimono, that hair is always going to scream V-swilling murderous skank to me. You’re trying too hard, bro.

Alright, friends... here he is in all his glory... ALCIDE.

How do I even... I just don’t... blurg. I’m not going to write a caption lest it take away from the visual wonder that is Alcide’s torso. YOU COULD GRATE CEMENT ON THOSE ABDOMNIALS.

OK, I’ll be fine. I just need a drink. Check back next week for more snark and, hopefully, more topless shots of Alcide. I’ll see y’all before the season’s out!

If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'? - Part 1 of 2 - Bad boys (and girls)

Episode Synopsis: We begin right where we left off last week, with Sookie running into Amnesiac Erik. Erik isn't sure who she is, but knows she smells good and can sense she's really helpful. Sookie isn't sure if Erik really has amnesia or is playing a long con, but knows he looks really cute with his hair tousled like that. Long story short, she takes him home. When Pam finds out where he is, she rushes to his side and advises Sookie to keep him hidden from the witches. Sookie tries to pawn him off on Alcide (who is now living with Debbie, who is no longer trying to kill Sookie), but eventually relents and lets him stay with her.

Meanwhile, Lafayette and Tara are both terrified that their PTSD vamp nightmares will come true again when Erik finds out their involvement with the witch group. This causes Lafayette to run down to Fangtasia, where he's captured by Pam, then freed by a kick-ass, gun-toting Tara (and Jesus). Bill advises Jessica to come clean to Hoyt, which she does, but he gets so upset she winds up glamouring him to forget all about it. Meanwhile, Bill and Portia start sleeping together. Tommy wants to sell Maxine's house (which is on a lucrative natural gas deposit) without telling her, but Sam is having none of that. Oh, and shirtless Jason's still being held captive by the hillbilly were-panthers, who are all fully committed to making him the new "Ghost Daddy" for their clan.

In Bon Temps, sometimes it's hard to tell who's a good guy. But the bad guys always make themselves pretty obvious. Cast in point, the fangtastic Pam!

She starts off the episode in last week's AMAZING red sequin dress with the one gigantic shoulder pad. This is seriously like something that Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms would have rocked back in the day. Nobody else but Pam could have pulled this off with red sheer pantyhose, but Pam is one of a kind.

And then? She slides into this little number:

Yes, those are full-on SPIKES ON HER SHOULDERS. No studded denim for this vamp. Does she always have fierce shoulders? Is that a psychological statement about how nobody can mess with her?

I don't even care that this is a denim pantsuit/thing:

This is my favourite outfit of the week (I'll get to the floral cardigan look Kim chose in the mini-recap in the next part)

Also being bad this week? This poor shmuck:

We never learn his name, but he's the poor guy with the misfortune to have had his fangbanger encounter filmed for YouTube. And then Bill totally has him killed, to send a message.

Oh, King Bill. Sad to say, that puts you in this week's naughty list...

Blecch. He looks like a mid-80s Wall Street banker, in a totally boring suit for his date with Portia. I guess he felt he needed to take over being Vampire King, but I think he had a lot more fun just being Mr. Sookie.

Oh, and Portia totally goes on the bad girl list, partially because it was so hard to get a good screencap of her dress:

Trust me, it was cute, though. And I would have put up a screencap of the nightie she wore when she and Bill were going at it, but that would be veering into NSFW territory. Trust me, though, both her outfits were very silky-looking and adorable.

Unlike heinous Crystal and the rest of the hillbilly were-panther clan:

I like this sweater, I guess? It looks OK with the floral sundress, but this is far from her most memorable look this week.

Yeah, that would be this. Is she attempting rag curls? But her hair is never curly, so what is she doing?

Seriously, WHAT IS SHE DOING? She could take lessons from Maxine:

(Maxine isn't really on the bad girls list, unless you count her obsessive collecting of Marie Osmond dolls from the Home Shopping Network. But she's here mostly to show Crystal how to properly use HAIR CURLERS.) Thank you Maxine. You can go, now.

Oh, and then Crystal also had this look. But I think we were mostly focused on the creepy ladies-in-waiting observing this Mexican-Viagra-induced werepanther rape of poor Jason Stackhouse.

Stay strong, Jason!

Poor guy. Not anything new to report on the Jason-fashion front, either. His same plaid shirt is now even more beaten up (along with his entire torso). Hopefully he can make his escape sometime soon and go home to change into one of his trusty tees.

Jessica was also working a plaid shirt this week, covering up her Fangtasia-walk-of-shame bustier look from last week:

And honourable mention this week goes to Jessica's gorgeous, flawless liquid eyeliner:

It's like this rich chocolatey brown and it looks AMAZING on her. Here it is again:

And her hair is always so shiny and pretty. Too bad she's messing Hoyt over so badly.

I'm not sure yet whether or not the witches belong on the naughty or nice list for this show. Their fashion, however, belongs fully on the hot mess list. Behold their leader, Marni:

I mean, this is a very believable look for a middle-aged lady who's into Wiccan stuff. But I'm used to my True Blood magic people dressed a bit less crunchy-granola hippie style. She did wear these fierce rings, though, which gets a few points for style:

Nice rings, and I would like to congratulate myself for going screen-by-screen after she just SLICED OPEN HER VEIN just so I could get this nice shot to share with y'all. Taking screencaps on True Blood can be risky business, especially when you're dealing with the bad girls.

[Thanks, Ann. We appreciate your commitment to the job - Jen]

I live to serve.