And When I Die - Part 1 of 2 - Sinners

Episode Synopsis: Listen, y'all, this season finale was so cuh-RAY-zee that I don't even know where to start. Lafayette, possessed by Marni, tortures Jesus until he gives up his super-strong-Mexican-juju-magic, and then kills him. Jason tells Hoyt that he slept with Jessica, and Hoyt beats the crap out of him. Alcide has kicked Debbie out for good and asks Sookie (in a very roundabout way) if she will consider being with him so they can stay out of trouble together. Sookie turns him down, and then tells Eric and Bill that she can't choose either of them, either. For those of you keeping track, that's THREE hot men she turned down this episode. Bill and Eric murder Nan Flanagan and her guards, Alcide discovers that a vamp (Russell Edgington?) has broken free from his concrete prison, and Jason is visited by Vamp!Reverend Newlin. Ghost René warns Arlene that Terry and his old army pal are nothing but trouble. Sookie, Tara, and Holly call on Bon Temps spirits for help with Marni/Lafayette, and Antonia and Gran (!!!) appear to bring Marni to the other side. Debbie shows up to kill Sookie with a shotgun, but Tara jumps in the way and gets blasted. Sookie then shoots Debbie in the neck (ouch) before realizing that Tara is really not ok. And now, all I can say is "WHAT?!"

Lafayette is possessed by Marni. He is also possessed with a fierceness that mere mortals generally don't experience.

Please experience now his fierce kimono. I'm not digging the yellow track pants, but I love the kimono. Did Marni inherit some fashion sense when she took over his body??

GASP. Apparently not.

What IS that? I'll tell you. That is a muumuu, my friends. A MUUMUU. Lafayette probably owns the muumuu for comical, sassy, just-lyin-around-the-house purposes... either that or Marni possessed Lafayette and after killing Jesus (sob) made straight for the nearest hippie store for a shopping spree. Yikes, y'all.

King Bill has an unending supply of tailored suits. I like the gray tie on this one though...

...but as we all know, Bill and Eric are at their best when they're chained up to a stake and mostly naked. Well, maybe not chained to a stake. But definitely the mostly naked bit. Definitely.

Also, of COURSE poor Ginger went as a sexy nurse for Halloween. It's appropriate because she's been taking care of poor Pamsicle all season while Eric's been out tooting around with Sookie and fighting witches. Ginger probably only has one Halloween costume, actually, come to think of it.

Speaking of people with only one outfit.... Alcide is wearing the same plaid shirt we saw him in like six episodes ago. Sigh. Buddy, when are you gonna learn? Sookie isn't attracted to flannel. We all remember how well Sam fared with that tactic season 1.

Unfortunately, Hoyt is not doing so well either... Granted, these are his work duds, but when you look at what heartbroken Hoyt is wearing versus what Jason is wearing... you kinda can't blame Jess. Really.

Purrrrrrrr. So casual. So yummy.

And later on, a lil more skin from Mr. Stackhouse. Yes, please.

Jess shows up on Halloween lookin' like a sessy Little Red Riding Hood, and if Jason thought he would get away with being a Good Guy and Doing The Right Thing By Making Her Leave Without Them Doing Anything, he was sorely mistaken.

Booya.

Nan shows up in her biker bitchy glory, with a new leather jacket, a new armed and armored entourage, and a paranoia to rival ol' Russell's back in season 3.... But Bill and Eric don't want no revolution, so they cut the guards' heads off and stake the heck outta Nan.

Gross. Can't believe they finally took her out. As Eric said: "What a bitch."

Burning Down The House - Part 2 of 2 - BRB, Just Gonna Chill In The Sun

First, let’s get this out of the way: Arlene and Terry in their robes. Come on guys, can’t you switch it up just a little? The whole “Madam Butterfly” role playing game has got to feel stale. At least in his normal clothes, Terry looks rather fetching... for a gun toting Southerner who’s always one step away from a mental breakdown. Andy, you... well... you just keep doing what you're doing. Try and get off the junk, huh?

Oh look, we have a fashion challenge on our hands! Who wore it better: the drape edition. First we have Antonia, rocking a truly inspired hair care regimen. Girlfriend was into teased locks back during the Inquisition. Points for the hair, but demerits for the stained tarp she’s been rocking for centuries. I don't care if you're a ghost - figure it out. On the other hand, Marni's decided to update that whole “persecuted witch” look with a (surprise!) belted sheet and limp hair. Hmm, tough call ladies but, in my professional opinion, I’m going to say that Antonia wins. Why? She was burned at the stake when owning a hairbrush was a luxury meant for aristocrats... what’s Marni’s excuse? 

Speaking of excuses, here’s a pathetic one for a coven. Did Marnie swing by Berkley for a few freshmen before starting her little witch organization? This looks like the Invasion of the Crunchy Clan. Antsy about being held captive? Why don't you just magic up some more quinoa, sir?

Guess who hasn’t changed clothes because they’re in a hostage situation? Holly and Tara! It’s nice to see the ladies bond.

He might be concerned for his cousin, but Lafayette doesn’t let a little grief rain on his fashion parade. Girl, can we talk about the slippers? Comfort over style? Who do you think you are - Sookie?

At least in the unending parade of patronizing looks from Jesus, he manages to pull together a more subdued, yet fashionable look. That robe? It’s nothing to write a blog about...

 but darling sugar-pie honeybunch, those boots? Let’s get married, you sultry Latin ‘mo. I’ve even forgiven you for wearing cargo pants. Well, I’m still working on that but I promise I’ll get over it. Sorry, but they're never coming back. No matter how many GAP commercials you reference.

Of course, it’s better than your freaky tribal look. Ew. I hate ear stretchers.

Hoyt seems pretty stoked to have broken up with Jessica. Or, to have been broken up with by Jessica. Either way, he’s the most adorable mama’s boy I’ve ever met. Actually, I’ve had a crush on Hoyt since Season One. You may have noticed that I have a proclivity towards men of a larger nature. That’s why I think Hoyt, in this hideous ribbed v-neck, is far more attractive than Jason. 

Yeah, I said it - I’ll pause for a collective gasp. Jason, you going to be OK?

You guys, is he wearing yoga pants? That cut off at the calf? I don’t care if they’re sweatpants rolled up, they look like short yoga pants. Even for yoga, short pants are never a good idea. That’s why we have shorts. Repetition is the most effective learning tool.

Somehow, in this sea of American Apparel hoodies and scooping neck lines for men, I don’t have total confidence in our miniature Scooby Squad. Though it is slightly refreshing to see Lafayette without a head covering; too bad he has that dreadhawk thing going on. 

So, if you’re a supernatural being, and you know when weird things are happening, do you involve yourself in some way? Or do you shack up with a dirty trick who offers you the possibility of more V and a werebaby? Wait... don’t answer that... Debbie’s beat you to the punch.

Alcide wasn’t topless this week, even though Debs was pretty darn close. Shame. Even though he doesn’t do a bad job of filling out this plaid shirt, I’ve become accustomed to seeing some skin every week. Best part of this photo? The way Alcide dwarfs Sam; the man is a brickhouse!

So is that why Sam looks pretty distraught? I mean, he is sporting the same shirt as before, but it’s a nice shade of blue and the fabric seems to be all natural - what’s the problem? 

Oh. Right. The whole Tommy dying thing. Sorry Tommy, it was fun while it lasted (content edited for, you know, gross amounts of blood).

Just two episodes left! Brace yourself for next week friends - I have a feeling it's going to be over the top. Much like Marnie's belt was over her jacket.

Let's Get Out Of Here - Part 2 of 2 - In the Doghouse

Listen, there's a lot of violent stuff happening this season. Amid the brute force of weres and witches and vamps alike, I wanted to make sure to give ample opportunity to ogle the incredible force that is Alcide.

Ohhhhhh yes. A four-dollar grey beater from Wal-Mart? I'm so into that.

Good LORD he's chiseled out of marble! No, wait, not chiseled -- he simply burst out of the earth fully formed and perfectly naked, no hammer or chisel required. Also, his hair is perfect.

Let's talk about poor Debbie for a second. She had a rough year last year: getting hooked on V and sleeping with a crazy wolf (moment of silence for Cooter, please) and trying to kill lots of people... And now she's sober and blonde. Her jealousy of Sookie manifests in many ways.

Aaaaaand she's fallen off the wagon. That only took nine episodes. Bad dog, Debbie, bad dog.

Unfortunately, the Shreveport Pack's current Alpha is greasy Marcus, who seemed suspicious at first, then kind of all right, and now we know the real truth: he's Luna's abusive ex-husband, and he owns approximately two t-shirts, one pair of wrecked jeans, and zero hair ties. Seriously, man, cut it or tie it back.

Hoyt Fortenberry is on the bad dog list too. He's acting like a total whackjob since Jessica dumped him, and it's totally taking me by surprise because he's always been such a sweetheart. Also, Hoyt, that t-shirt needs to be retired. What happened to your nice foray into the realm of American Apparel hoodies??

Bad dog numero uno this week? Tommy Merlotte. His new skinwalking hobby isn't just awkward as heck to watch, it's actually revolting and he's getting himself beat up way more than is normal even for him. He's wearing all of Sam's flannel though, which makes up our entire Plaid Shirt Count for the week.

I really don't even want to talk about Tommy's selection of jacket for his meet-and-greet with Marcus while posing as Sam... I mean, is it all denim? Is that a canvas placket? Is it from the late sixties/early seventies (and not in a good way)? WHO KNOWS.

I also would just like to give a shout out to Roy, the dude-witch who has become Antonia/Marni's teacher's pet. Roy is both awkward and bloodthirsty, which proves to be an obnoxious combination, giving his Wicca wardrobe a military edge (note the oversized green canvas vest. 

Sit, Roy. Stay.

Spellbound - part 2 of 2 - Team Leather

We found out this week that Marcus is Luna's crazy werewolf ex. I guess that isn't a total surprise, since there aren't that many werewolves on the show, and we already knew Marcus is crazy. But still... gross.

As if the greasy hair and the greasy beard weren't enough, he's combining a denim shirt with a leather jacket? And with a bonus undershirt of greasy chest hair? I'd say Sam is quite the upgrade in the man department, even bearing in mind his slightly insane skinwalker brother...

Yeah, I'm talking about you, Tommy. However, I have to give him credit for his Maxine disguise. Everything was believable apart from the telltale spiky bangs hairdo that we all associate with Tommy:

Nice try. But Maxine, for all her faults, always has her hair in a flawless, hairsprayed helmet:

She's like, "Would anybody believe that I would allow that dissheveled hairdo anywhere near this head? Hell, no!" Also, I like how she's in purple-in-purple and the news reporter is in blue-on-blue. That would look nice on the local news.

Also looking nice on the local news? Bill, who has taken my suit-wearing advice to heart and shows up in a total Don Draper-inspired look (maybe he's been shopping the new Mad Men collection at Banana Republic?)

Check out the crease on his trousers. Flawless. He's clearly presenting the new, more handsome, less scary public face of vampires. Not sure about the tie though.

Bill changes back into his same mandarin-collar black leather jacket for the big showdown with Marnie/Antonia, which is apparently part of the dress code for season-ending, late-night cemetary showdowns.

Seriously. I have to assume that in an unaired scene, everybody in attendance at the cemetary battle was told to wear leather jackets. Check it:

1) Marnie's very cute fitted leather jacket with lots of stitch detailing:

2) Pam's leather jacket of spiked, studded badassery:

and 3) Tara's leather jacket of meh:

Why did Bill get Pam to stop killing Tara? Out of loyalty to Sookie?

Maybe he has plans to help her improve her wardrobe, because girlfriend has got to get it together. Cargo skinny khakis and a pink cammo shirt? For reals?

How is this woman related to Lafayette, who so consistently hits it out of the park? Where did she buy that top? Does anybody care?

Other unnamed members of Marnie's coven get kick-ass looks like this:

Can this girl be Sookie's new BFF next season?

And to my great despair, there was no Shirtless Alcide this week. There was Alcide wearing his same yummy caramel jacket from last week, while being so sweet to Debbie (WHO DOES NOT DESERVE HIM).

Like, is that acidwash she's got on? Run, Alcide!

By far, though, the best moment of the episode was when Alcide swept in through the fog with his big shoulders and his handsome face to carry Sookie off to safety.

If Sookie continues to ignore his RED HOT HOTNESS after this rescue, I don't know what to think. Why hang out with amnesiac Eric when you've got Alcide, in all his hotness, throwing himself at you? Pretty tough life, being Sookie Stackhouse.

Oh wait, she totally got shot this week. I guess it is kind of tough. Still... wake up and smell the werewolf!

Cold Grey Light of Dawn - Part 1 of 2 - Fun in the Sun

Episode Synopsis: A whole lotta stuff is all about to hit the fan in Bon Temps, and the suspense is killing me. Well, actually, it's killing the vampires, or trying to... Marni is possessed by the spirit of Antonia, a vengeful Spanish witch from the 1600s, and she's adopted the distraught Tara into her circle of fun (not because Tara is a witch but because she was raped by a vampire, a fate which Antonia shared). Lafayette is a true medium, like Marni, and Jesus is convinced that Lala is the one to put a stop to Marni's crazy. Meanwhile, King Bill decides the only way to keep the vampires safe from Antonia's spells is to chain themselves with silver during the day. Jason and Jess are still thinking (read: fantasizing) about each other, and poor Hoyt is so confused that he's not even wearing plaid. Sookie and Eric finally get it on, but this whole Marni thing is really putting their love-fest on hold. Sam's brother Tommy skinwalked as Sam and slept with hottie shifter girlfriend Luna, and Arlene's demon baby Mikey is seeing this 1930's voodoo lady who sings in French (but Lafayette sees her too now, so maybe we'll finally get some answers).  

Although this week had a SEVERE shortage of cute sundresses, we do see a few uninteresting leather jackets (Vampire Diaries-style) and at least one American Apparel hoodie (Glee-style). Oh, Bon Temps, it's always a surprise...

King Bill's wardrobe has been updated since he became king, and this shirt -- while plain -- is a nice splash of color in the dark and generally pretentious decor of King Bill's house.

Later on, however, King Bill falls prey to the Uninteresting Leather Jacket syndrome and presents himself at Sookie's looking super uncomfortable (both about Sookie/Eric and about his jacket, I'd say).

Jason, although generally kind of a mess, manages to make his millionth plaid shirt look cute when thrown over his incredible washboard abs and sculpted torso, topped off with a "Made In Louisiana" trucker cap. Goofy? Yes. Still hot? Absolutely.

Also, I think he looks yummy in his cop uniform. Heh.

Jessica is seen wearing dark, slim cut jeans and some kinda sandal, with a pale blue shirt that compliments her complexion and hair really well, even if the shirt came from K-Mart. But this pic is mostly for her hair... girlfriend has luxurious locks, and I lurve it.

Jesus manages to set off the amazing color of his eyes with a denim (or cargo, can't decide) jacket. Go figure!

Lafayette looks like he came from a 90's music video in a black track jacket with red stripes and a yellow bandana... but his eyelashes are fierce, and he can do no wrong. You want more bling, you say? Well...

...here you go. Flipping burgers at Merlotte's requires more panache, obviously. The white scarf he's got has silver threads running through it, and he has a camo-print top on. The icing on this cake though is his vintage fan.

Booyah. So fierce.

The Princess and the Frog ghost that's following baby Mikey around shows up, and Lafayette doesn't quite understand that she's a ghost, or who she is, but at least he can see her and hopefully that means we'll find out what her agenda is soon. Meanwhile, her 1930's dress is simple but gorgeous and her hair is impeccable... she can't be all bad, right?

Everyone's favorite shapeshifting girlfriend Luna looks ferosh at work (watch out, fifth graders...Ms. Luna's a knockout!) even though she's furious with Sam for kicking her out after they slept together the first time. Only it wasn't Sam, it was Tommy...

Sam! I didn't even KNOW you owned a solid colored shirt! Goodness.

And back to the plaid. But here's the funny thing: even with all the plaid Sam Merlotte sports around town, I prefer this shirt to the plain one. Sigh.

Our boy Alcide has the most interesting leather jacket on this episode, a lovely cognac color which offsets his rugged appearance.

And even with the plaid peeking out, he still looks gorgeous. Although, Alcide, honey, that look of shock at walking in on Sookie and Eric isn't becoming... if she finds out you saw them, she'll be very upset, you know. Also, now Debbie thinks you're in love with her, so way to blow your own cover, man!

Finally, our puppy-dog-amnesiac Eric is sill wearing Jason's clothes... but this plaid (yes, Eric Northman in plaid!) looks INCREDIBLE on him. Maybe it's the amnesia. Maybe it's the fact that he and Sookie just did it in the woods (a lot). Who knows? But I LIKE IT.