I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 1 of 2 - Vamps and Vamp Related Things

Episode Synopsis:  Is it just me or are drunk vampires, like, totally awesome? After dining on Sookie’s fairy godmother, Claudine, Eric is adorably tipsy and immune to sunlight... for a little bit. Luckily, Alcide was around to help Sookie find Eric before he burnt like any meal I’ve ever tried to cook ever. But even luckier for us, Alcide took his top off! It’s the little things (or in this case, incredibly chiseled things) that make us happy. So while Eric is an emotional roller coaster, Nan is putting the pressure on Bill, as Pam does likewise to Tara, Jesus, LaFayette and Rhiannon- I mean, Marni. On top of all of that strong arming, Sam shows up at Luna’s house to find out she has a ridiculously cute daughter, Arlene deals with her murder baby, and Tommy finds out that Melinda isn’t exactly a mother hen.

My my, Bill Compton, aren’t we looking regal this evening? Or morning? I can never tell with you vampires. Here’s the thing about this suit: it’s fine if you’re the school superintendent, not a fabulously wealthy bloody vampire king. Emphasis on the royalty, OK? Bill, snap out of it. 

Ah, now that’s more like it - a chocolate brown suit and is that lavender I spy? Oh, with a matching pocket square! I’ve never been to the Deep South (even though I’ve always thought about visiting), and I would assume that being a king of anything down there would equate to pimp status. Hence, this outfit. I approve - and I remember when saying “pimp” was slang for “fashionable” or “ballin’”. Yikes.

OMG it’s Mona! Or Mrs. Tate! Or Grandma Bellefleur! Pick your poison... and high fives to anyone who gets all three television references. If you’ve ever wanted to see a Southern dame, check this B out. That scarf is amazeatron9000 and coupling it with a three-stringed pearl necklace is pretty much the height of Southern elegance. Blanche Deveraux, eat your heart out.

“Just banging my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-whatever granddaughter LOL.”

 “He totes is, G-ma. U mad bro?”

 Seriously, Bill, I’d check up on stuff like that before you start throwing your cat everywhere. Who do you think you are? A were-panther?

Although, in this stunning satin sapphire top, Portia does look amazing. Man, that was a total alliteration win. Anyway, I find it interesting that she belted the top. Well, not so much interesting as annoying. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I’m getting kind of tired with the belted everything these days. Unless she’s using that to whip Katerina later. That broad really grinds my gears.

Now, here’s the thing about True Blood fashions - they repeat. A lot. Mostly because the show runs in relative real time i.e. this episode picks up right where the previous one ended. Other episodes only show a day or two passing in True Blood (at most) in between real world airings. Get what I’m saying? No? Basically: I’m not posting a photo of Eric in the sleeveless hoody and basketballs shorts again. It’s done, people!

What I will post is Eric Northman, topless, swimming in the sunlight, yelling at alligators in an ancient Norse language. 

Seeing that this is my first recap, I’m going to point out my first beef with this season: Eric’s hair. What. The. Hell? I’m seeing an awkward bowl cut mixed with Gareth from The Office BBC multiplied by humidity. This is one of the hottest men on the show and he’s got a haircut that makes him look like your dorky younger brother in the throes of puberty? No way, yo.

In case you were wondering why Nan Flanagan is head of the American Vampire League, check this out. Head to toe leather, a tight hair bun, streetwalking red lipstick and that necklace that says, “I’m prim and proper but if you’re into some slap and tickle, I’m down”. Oh, the shoulder pads - of course they’re there. Nan, you’re a powerhouse. 

Now, out of this group shot, can you tell which one is the vampire?

That’s right, the one with the hip cocked out and the boots that go on for days. No surprise here, it’s Pam. However, I am a bit surprised she decided to wear this for the spell reversal party. I would have thought that any backup dancer from Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition” tour would store their costume in a special place.

Finally, we come back to Sookie Stackhouse a.k.a. I’m a plague on Bon Temps and I probably should have moved years ago to save them the heartache of losing loved ones every summer television season. At least you look banging in these shorts. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen you in anything other than shorts, save for the odd dress here and there. Whatevs, you look cute.

Such a cute little hoody! Even if it is nearly the same green as on a Merlotte’s waitress t-shirt. I guess you stick with what you know, right Sook? Considering recent our roundtable on Pretty Little Liars' Aria’s sartorial choices, I find it hilariously frustrating that Sookie’s hoody is cropped. Girl, if it’s that warm in Bon Temps that you don’t want to wear a full hoody - how about you don’t wear one at all? Hmm?

OK, so Arlene doesn’t really have much to do with the vampire and vampire related friends in this episode. She’s also in this episode for less than 5 minutes so I needed to try and balance the entries. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole “demon baby/possessed doll/or is it something else?” sub-plot that’s going on, but these teaser scenes just drive me crazy. But so does Arlene’s hair.

I'm Alive and On Fire - Part 2 of 2 - The Supernatural Contingent

I guess it was easier for HBO to name the series True Blood rather than: Vampires! And werewolves. And fairies. Probably Some Other Were-animal Things. Oh, Don’t Forget About the Witches. Wait, There are Shape-shifters too, Right? Whatever, We’re Not at Our Peak Until We Use a Unicorn.

I’m saving the best for last so get over it now, friends - and you KNOW what I’m talking ‘bout.

I’m not sure if I need to credit the costume department or the make-up department (or lack thereof) for Lindsay Pulsipher’s transformation into Crystal Norris. Seriously, in real life this girl is a bombshell, but here she is the definition of Meth Chic. Ugh, I feel filthy for using the word “chic” in conjunction with “meth”. At any rate, while Crystal might be Jason’s ideal woman, I just can’t see why he’s be into stringy hair and soiled sundresses. Especially after the kidnapping, torture and umm...unpleasantries in the bedroom.

Felton, Crystal’s brother-husband, or uncle-cousin, or whatever his hick title may be, is just all around gross. Which is a shame because again, in real life, the dude is handsome. Maybe it’s the sleeveless shirt, mudstompin’ boots and freaky addict like personality that’s turning me off. Anyone else find it crazy that this backwater town in Louisiana has some of the fittest men you’ve ever laid eyes on?

Wait... something’s not right here. Sam Merlotte is looking rugged and handsome as usual but he “looks” different. Oh, I think I- yeah, I’ve got it! NO PLAID. I figured that was like his reverse kryptonite and that Sam always had to wear plaid or he’d die or explode or something. Kudos Sam, you wear that basic shirt very well. Maybe next time we can live really crazy and try a lighter colour?

You know who rocks some colour this week? Luna, obviously. This is such a cute dress and the pattern is subtle enough to make her look like a fun mom opposed to a “I need to recapture my youth!!!” mom. Plus, she’s a total babe. Remember that Maryann chick? Yeah, this is miles beyond comparison. 

But no matter what Luna wears, she always has the best accessory - an adorable child! Though, I might counsel her on the “less is more” school of thought in fashion. 

This week, Tommy made his triumphant return home to his mama, Melinda. Nice to see he dressed up for her.

Yeah, REALLY nice to see he put some effort in procuring his Canadian tuxedo. Dude, when you go home to look like a big shot, don’t wear denim everywhere, OK? At least put on some big boy pants.

Of course, when your maternal models are these two, I can only have sympathy for Tommy. I mean, Maxine Fortenberry always look like a Parisian pastry that got trapped in Graceland overnight, while Melinda is a sociopath who competes in dog fights. I can’t say much about her wardrobe but I’ve always been curious as to what her hair would look like unleashed. 

Side note: I couldn’t be happier that Joe Lee is wearing clothes this season. The old manny panties from last season still haunt me.

But it could always be worse right? You could be a nameless panther lady with bad posture. 

Ohai Lafayette, girl! How you doin’? I don’t know how the man does it every week, but Lafayette manages to kill it in his own personal way. The satin jacket is priceless but I think the real win is his silky head wrap; record scratch worthy. You’d have to have a set of brass ones to wear something like this in the South, male or female. 

Can I get an amen on that?!

Tara, always a pleasure. I will say  I’m thrilled that cage fighting has brought out some common sense in you re: your hair. Perfection, my lovely.

Jesus, I thought I was watching Vampire Diaries for a moment. Is leather really a viable option in the sweltering Louisiana Bayou? It’s so cute how tame he is compared to LaFayette.

There’s no use throwing your hands up, Marni. We know you actually intend to dress like that, coin belt and all. Why do television witches all take their cues from Stevie Nicks? Have none of you ever seen the Witches of Eastwick? Cher is a stone cold fox in that movie and there’s not a single flowing garment to be found on her person.

This guy has nothing to do with the story other than being in Marni’s dream. But aren’t you glad True Blood isn’t set during the Spanish Inquisition? Look at that collar! 

OK, just one more photo before we get to the goods. For your reading pleasure, I present Crazy Debbie. GIrl, I don’t care how many books you read in a faux kimono, that hair is always going to scream V-swilling murderous skank to me. You’re trying too hard, bro.

Alright, friends... here he is in all his glory... ALCIDE.

How do I even... I just don’t... blurg. I’m not going to write a caption lest it take away from the visual wonder that is Alcide’s torso. YOU COULD GRATE CEMENT ON THOSE ABDOMNIALS.

OK, I’ll be fine. I just need a drink. Check back next week for more snark and, hopefully, more topless shots of Alcide. I’ll see y’all before the season’s out!

Mini Recap: I'm Alive and On Fire

Sam is certainly on fire for me this week - nothing cuter than a stepdog..er...dad in the making.

Plaid Shirt Count = 3 (Sam actually didn't wear a plaid shirt the whole episode - observe in the adjacent photo. I guess it was laundry day at the Merlotte household)

Country Girl Chic of the Week
Sam's new girlfriend is so smoking, she could wear a garbage bag and look chic. Lucky for us she wore a black dress with pink graphic print and lace trim instead. I was disappointed in Sookie's lack of a new outfit until she appeared in the adorable green hoodie with white polka-dots towards the end. SO cute = runner-up. She is looking like an ad for American Eagle Outfitters in Season 4 and I kind of love it. 

Philosophy ala Vamp
"He is a man of the law, and is bound by civic responsibility to practice the art of circumspection, which is entirely the opposite" - Bill Compton, in response to Andy Bellefleur's grandmother (Caroline) when she complained that she was trying to teach Andy the "art of polite conversation" (and clearly failing). Nice save, Bill. I think I'll bring you along next time I go to my grandmother's house so you can shut down her critical zingers, too. Awesomesauce fact: Caroline is played by Katherine Helmond, who played Mona on Who's The Boss? I recognized her right away! Good for her that she's still kicking (and looking every bit the stylish, sophisticated southern woman).

Best "Uh-Oh" Moment
Terry and Arlene's demon baby continues to spread tiny baby amounts of doom. Terry left the room for 2 minutes only to come back to see "Baby Not Yours" scrawled in red marker on the wall. I have to say though, I'm betting Jessica's creepy, dirty lake doll is the culprit. Same thing happened in Child's Play - everyone thought the kid was goofing off and causing trouble, when it was really Chucky the whole time. Methinks the people of Bon Temps need to get a Netflix subscription and start watching some old horror movies. Then they might actually see some of this supernatural crap coming. 

Biggest Shocker
Bill realized that Portia is actually his great, great, great, great granddaughter! In case you don't recall, they started sleeping together last week, which means: EWWW! Bill, just a tip: Once you have been alive for more than a couple hundred years, it might be a good idea to start doing "check-ups" on people you want to bone to ensure there are no blood ties of any kind between you or maybe even keeping a list of conquests. This may seem extremely OCD, but in 200+ years you are bound to come across a re-run or long-distance relative of some kind and a bit of record-keeping may prevent the chance of having three-headed babies at some point in the future.

Check back on Wednesday for Anthony's first True Blood recap!