If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'? - Part 1 of 2 - Bad boys (and girls)

Episode Synopsis: We begin right where we left off last week, with Sookie running into Amnesiac Erik. Erik isn't sure who she is, but knows she smells good and can sense she's really helpful. Sookie isn't sure if Erik really has amnesia or is playing a long con, but knows he looks really cute with his hair tousled like that. Long story short, she takes him home. When Pam finds out where he is, she rushes to his side and advises Sookie to keep him hidden from the witches. Sookie tries to pawn him off on Alcide (who is now living with Debbie, who is no longer trying to kill Sookie), but eventually relents and lets him stay with her.

Meanwhile, Lafayette and Tara are both terrified that their PTSD vamp nightmares will come true again when Erik finds out their involvement with the witch group. This causes Lafayette to run down to Fangtasia, where he's captured by Pam, then freed by a kick-ass, gun-toting Tara (and Jesus). Bill advises Jessica to come clean to Hoyt, which she does, but he gets so upset she winds up glamouring him to forget all about it. Meanwhile, Bill and Portia start sleeping together. Tommy wants to sell Maxine's house (which is on a lucrative natural gas deposit) without telling her, but Sam is having none of that. Oh, and shirtless Jason's still being held captive by the hillbilly were-panthers, who are all fully committed to making him the new "Ghost Daddy" for their clan.

In Bon Temps, sometimes it's hard to tell who's a good guy. But the bad guys always make themselves pretty obvious. Cast in point, the fangtastic Pam!

She starts off the episode in last week's AMAZING red sequin dress with the one gigantic shoulder pad. This is seriously like something that Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms would have rocked back in the day. Nobody else but Pam could have pulled this off with red sheer pantyhose, but Pam is one of a kind.

And then? She slides into this little number:

Yes, those are full-on SPIKES ON HER SHOULDERS. No studded denim for this vamp. Does she always have fierce shoulders? Is that a psychological statement about how nobody can mess with her?

I don't even care that this is a denim pantsuit/thing:

This is my favourite outfit of the week (I'll get to the floral cardigan look Kim chose in the mini-recap in the next part)

Also being bad this week? This poor shmuck:

We never learn his name, but he's the poor guy with the misfortune to have had his fangbanger encounter filmed for YouTube. And then Bill totally has him killed, to send a message.

Oh, King Bill. Sad to say, that puts you in this week's naughty list...

Blecch. He looks like a mid-80s Wall Street banker, in a totally boring suit for his date with Portia. I guess he felt he needed to take over being Vampire King, but I think he had a lot more fun just being Mr. Sookie.

Oh, and Portia totally goes on the bad girl list, partially because it was so hard to get a good screencap of her dress:

Trust me, it was cute, though. And I would have put up a screencap of the nightie she wore when she and Bill were going at it, but that would be veering into NSFW territory. Trust me, though, both her outfits were very silky-looking and adorable.

Unlike heinous Crystal and the rest of the hillbilly were-panther clan:

I like this sweater, I guess? It looks OK with the floral sundress, but this is far from her most memorable look this week.

Yeah, that would be this. Is she attempting rag curls? But her hair is never curly, so what is she doing?

Seriously, WHAT IS SHE DOING? She could take lessons from Maxine:

(Maxine isn't really on the bad girls list, unless you count her obsessive collecting of Marie Osmond dolls from the Home Shopping Network. But she's here mostly to show Crystal how to properly use HAIR CURLERS.) Thank you Maxine. You can go, now.

Oh, and then Crystal also had this look. But I think we were mostly focused on the creepy ladies-in-waiting observing this Mexican-Viagra-induced werepanther rape of poor Jason Stackhouse.

Stay strong, Jason!

Poor guy. Not anything new to report on the Jason-fashion front, either. His same plaid shirt is now even more beaten up (along with his entire torso). Hopefully he can make his escape sometime soon and go home to change into one of his trusty tees.

Jessica was also working a plaid shirt this week, covering up her Fangtasia-walk-of-shame bustier look from last week:

And honourable mention this week goes to Jessica's gorgeous, flawless liquid eyeliner:

It's like this rich chocolatey brown and it looks AMAZING on her. Here it is again:

And her hair is always so shiny and pretty. Too bad she's messing Hoyt over so badly.

I'm not sure yet whether or not the witches belong on the naughty or nice list for this show. Their fashion, however, belongs fully on the hot mess list. Behold their leader, Marni:

I mean, this is a very believable look for a middle-aged lady who's into Wiccan stuff. But I'm used to my True Blood magic people dressed a bit less crunchy-granola hippie style. She did wear these fierce rings, though, which gets a few points for style:

Nice rings, and I would like to congratulate myself for going screen-by-screen after she just SLICED OPEN HER VEIN just so I could get this nice shot to share with y'all. Taking screencaps on True Blood can be risky business, especially when you're dealing with the bad girls.

[Thanks, Ann. We appreciate your commitment to the job - Jen]

I live to serve.

If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'? - Part 2 of 2 - Good girls (and boys)

One permanent member of Team Good Guys is Sookie "Snooki" (tm Erik) Stackhouse.

She is so cute! I love how her go-to colour is white. She wears white floral prints like most people wear basic black. For her visit to Alcide, she went with this sweet ensemble of white cami, short-sleeved cardigan, and denim bermuda shorts:

Kim chose this as her outfit of the week, and if Pam hadn't busted out the spiked shoulders, I would probably have agreed. Sookie looks adorable in shorts, and it's nice to see a different length from her usual Merlotte's hotpants.

She also wore her hair in a side-ponytail or a side-braid about 3/4 of the time. I have no issue with this, as I've been wearing my hair in a side braid all summer - it's the best move for longer hair when it's hot out. I don't know if I love the teeny tapered end of this braid, but Sookie's much too busy worrying about vampires/fairies/werewolves and now witches to spend any time thinking about her hair.

I'm not sure what Tara's excuse is to look so boring all the time, though. She's like the Emily (Pretty Little Liars) of Bon Temps. Tee and jeans, tee and jeans, blah blah blah.

That being said, her final outfit of the episode was pretty cute (and utilitarian - it made her look very kick-ass when facing off with Pam and her pointy shoulders). Still, Tara, sweetie? It's OK to step it up a notch every now and then.

The True Blood wardrobe crew must look forward to scenes with Lafayette. Last week's outift was covered very well (looove the Bedazzled skull chain/belt buckle!), and this week brought another amazing ensemble:

Love the hair. Love the backless, ruched tee with the back necklace closure. Love it! What fry cook, anywhere, looks as fabulous Lafayette does in an apron?

Arlene, bless her, always tries to accessorize her Merlotte's outfit, too. But the fringed waist pouch is a bit much. And so is the leopard-print hair clip. And the frosted blue eyeshadow. And the hair colour. She's got the opposite problem from Tara - she needs to step it down a notch.

But whatevs. She's busy with her possibly-evil little baby (esp. now that Jessica's hawked the possibly-evil baby doll off on them), so maybe she has a good excuse to look a fright every now and then.

Sam. Plaid shirt and jeans. Looking good. Carry on.

Oh, and guess who showed up again this week? Alcide!!

Hey there, big fella. Long time no see! He's seriously soooooooo good-looking. This show has really outdone itself with the man-candy.

Speaking of (and I bet you were wondering where he'd fit into the good/bad schism) is Erik The Viking!

He's totally a good guy this week! Look at those vulnerable, amnesiac, puppy-dog eyes!

LOOK HOW CUTE! When Sookie was helping him wash his feet and he giggled at how it tickled, I had total flashbacks to Beauty and the Beast.

Sookeh and the Beast? I know, not the first time we've referenced a connection to Disney movies, but just try to tell me I'm wrong.

Anyway, Erik looked possibly his most adorable when he squeezed himself into some of Jason's old clothes.

I mean, as if anything worn by Jason (5'0") Stackhouse would ever fit Erik (8'10000") Northman, but I like the idea of this. Superpowerful vamp Sheriff in a sleeveless hoodie and board shorts? Amazing.

And Erik may be technically-kind-of-a-good-guy this week, but that didn't stop him from killing Sookie's fairy godmother. Was it the smell of her blood? Or was it that she seemed to be intimidating Sookie, bringing out Erik's protectiveness? Either way, it seems like the last we'll see of Claudine and her XXL eyelashes and Dancing With The Stars wardrobe:

Farewell, Claudine! At least the last thing you got to look at was Erik's handsome, viking face (even if he was wearing a sleeveless hoodie at the time).

Mini Recap: If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?

Just when I thought there couldn't be more eye-candy on this show - Alcide returns!

Plaid Shirt Count = 4

Country Girl Chic of the Week
Alas, I could not find a photo of my favourite outfit from this episode, so my description will have to suffice: Sookie's fresh and summery ensemble of floral cardigan, white tank, denim Bermuda shorts, and nude wedges was completely sweet and adorable, yet still casual. The only thing I loved more than her cardigan was her curly side ponytail! Although her side braid (pictured left) was pretty cute, too. Sideways hair-dos seem to be fitting in a place as twisted as Bon Temps

Philosophy ala Vamp
"You are the smartest, most powerful man I know and I am the smartest, most powerful woman I know. So, I propose that we try and add sex to the equation" - Portia Belleflour, aka. one of the most interesting and mysterious new characters to hit this season. Ok, she's not a vamp, but there is something sketchy about her - considering the other characters on this show, she could be a gnome for all we know! I love her for her chic, Roland-Mouret-esque dresses as well as her past role as Trinity's daughter in Season 4 of Dexter (this girl gets around, in more ways than one!)

Best "Uh-Oh" Moment
Jessica gives her obviously cursed (and by the way, completely dirty and unsanitary and creepy) doll to Arlene for her weird little baby to play with. Really, Jess? You owe her baby a gift? You are going to owe a lot more than that to a higher power later on, missy! Everybody knows you don't give an already cursed baby a cursed and creepy doll that crawls out of lakes on its own! Didn't you see Child's Play? You couldn't go to the nearest Wal-Mart and pick him up a GI-Joe or Legos or something? You live in a small hick-town, don't even try and tell me there is no Wal-Mart nearby!

Biggest Shocker
Eric feeds on Sookie's fairy godmother and kills her. You know, it's not a good sign for your future when your fairy godmother is drained of life right in front of your eyes. All my Disney-induced expectations are being flushed down the toilet by this show. The good news is we (hopefully) won't be subjected to any more "Dancing with the Stars" reject outfits (though I somehow think this isn't the end of the Fairies). 

Pop back on Wednesday, when Ann will have the full report!