True Blood: Save Yourself

Part 1 of 2: It's always the wierd stuff that's the best

Season finale! I know, my Sunday nights have lost meaning, too. Sookie and Jason go into the belly of the beast (the Vamp Authority HQ) to save Pam, Jessica, and Bill. Bill's doing just fine, though, eliminiating all his competition for Prophet, including the lovely Salome. We'll miss your gorgeous gowns, honey! Sam and Luna are also at Authority HQ trying to rescue Emma (omg, it's like Gossip Girl, where all the characters end up at the same party du jour), Alcide takes over as packmaster, Andy becomes a dad, and Lafayette makes margaritas.

I'm sorry to say that yet again, the True Blood wardrobe crew has denied us costume changes.

My feelings exactly, Jason. I'm trying not to take it personally but really, plot/shmot. We have a fashion blog to write and we demand a fresh supply of outfits.

Oh hey, Sook? You cool with staying in the Barbie Fairy Sundress for the first half of the episode?

Geez, you Stackhouses are so touchy.

Just look at Mom and Dad here. Is it just me, or do these seem like some mighty nefarious hallucinations? I don't remember Mr. Stackhouse being such a dick in the flashbacks.

However, we do get to see where Sookie gets her floral dress tendancy. Oh, and ten bucks says that Ghost!Mrs. Stackhouse will cross into the physical plane and use those knitting needles to stab a vamp in some sort of big battle scene next season. You heard it here first.

Yes, families do get stuck in fashion ruts, don't they? For instance, the Messieurs Herveaux have planned a mani-pedi excursion (no really, go back and watch this scene), and I'm guessing that'll be followed by a trip to the Good Ol' Boy Warehouse.

Come on down, folks! We've got barn jackets and chambray shirts galore!

Seems like The G-O-B Warehouse also sells super snug sleevless shirts. This almost makes up for Alcide not taking his shirt off this episode. Almost.

Doesn't he know he's supposed to be romance-cover ready at all times? Look, Rikki's ready with her bodice-ripper pose and pretty balconette bra, but Alcide? Boy is not delivering.

Wait, wait - we have a fireman's carry! This is better. Rikki, you lucky wolf-ette, you. And my, those are some might low-rise jeans.

I do have to give snaps to another female wolf, Martha, who brings it with a leather/fur jacket and some jewel tones.

AND a crossbow. THE accessory of the season, you guys. Obviously Hunger Games fever has reached Shreveport pack.

Plus the detailed pocket? I die. Well, not really. But she's a grandma in rural Louisiana, so my standards are a little more forgiving.

But then, with the (slightly) younger set sporting stems like these, maybe there's something in the local water supply?

Please tell me Holly and Arlene did not serve all day in 4" platform wedges. Is this 2 Broke Girls?

No, srsly with the plat wedges. Even Jane Bodehouse is in on the action. You know she put on her sassy red shoes, her green eyeshadow, and declared it Girls Night Out: Party of One. Well done, old gal!

But those cargo shorts are doing you no favors. We've gotta talk.

You know, after you're done watching the fairy birth. Was this not one of the funniest moments all season?

Upon closer inspection we see that Jane is sporting an animal-print top and...are those...Mardi Gras beads? Oh honey. I don't want to even think about what went into getting those.

Just because Lafayette rocks the beads, doesn't mean they're for everyone.

I much prefer margarita-making, gold turban wearing La-La to the man he was at the top of the season. I mean, sure, he lost Jesus and had to go through the mourning period, but as I said before this is a fashion blog, and we like the pretty.

And lace! And a chili pepper apron! Babes, don't ever do that disappearing act ever again.

Sidenote: Arlene, snaps for the trendy fanny bag. Rather Chanel-esque, even though I know there's not a Chanel around for miles. Not even in Shreveport.

Also trendy is Andy's fairy girlfriend. When she's not shooting light out her fingers and spawning on the Merlotte's pool table, she moonlights as a starlet at Coachella.

Impractically short dress? Check. Boots? Check.

Lots of bling and makeup? Check, check. But seriously, Maurella knows how to do the varsity-level eye liner. She might even be able to teach Lafayette a thing or two.

Sorry, sorry, Lafayette. You know you're still the fairest of them all.

So fairy girlfriend has the babies in a most ::ahem:: enjoyable labor and delivery procedure, and leaves poor Andy with not one but four baby faes. BTW, the little ones wrapped in Merlotte's t-shirts, resting on a bed of bar towels and dishwasher racks are adorbs.

And rather realistic. If this was a lesser show, they'd be snoozing in fuzzy pink blankets seemingly procurred from thin air. Although I bet Coachella Fairy could do just that.

True Blood: Save Yourself

Part 2 of 2: Meanwhile, in an underground bunker somewhere in New Orleans...

Alright. Let's do this.

So, here is the other thing that Sookie got to wear. I'm actually digging the denim zip-up but overall, this season has left YKYLF très sad for the Sookie that used to be. Yes, we've been obsessing over The Sundresses of Yore all season, but see how far our girl has fallen?

In case you've forgotten, this is why we mourn:

No, this is not from eight years ago, it just feels that way. This is from season four.

Sigh. Oh, for the days when Sookie was a ray of sunshine and Bill was a right gentleman with courtly manners who occasionally wore a suit.

I can't believe I used to be firmly on the Team Bill side. He's totally turned me off with this tiresome black-leather wearing, Sanguinista-spouting routine. Even our mutual love of Apple products can not sway me now.

Besides, Eric is a beautiful, beautiful man. How did I not notice this before? Why did no one tell me??

I know, I'm woefully late to the Alexander Skarsgard party. I vow to give more screen time to Mr. Northman during the next season. You're all here to witness this, right?

Oh hey, look! More black leather! Cut into forgettable silhouettes! Yawn. Bored now.

Vampire Stormtroopers, take a good look at Pamsicle here. Maybe ask Bill to buy you some better uniforms, because even though she's wearing the same Victorian dominatrix garb from the previous episode, she's still killing it in the H-T Black category.

I'll even give her a pass for wearing the same outfit twice. Being arrested and hauled into the Authority HQ doesn't really give a girl time to change.

But I guess she packed a makeup kit? Both her eyes and her lipstick are incredibly intact.

Aaand I spoke too soon about the lipstick. Hi, Tara!

In the words of Sookie: "Oh. Okay." I'll be interested to see where this storyline goes. I'm envisioning lots of spats, punctuated by couples shopping for fabulously edgy outfits.

Speaking of, Miss T is still in the sassy pants and ombre jacket from last episode, but I love the jacket so much that it deserves another look.

If I were Rutina Wesley, that jacket may have accidentally not made it back to Wardrobe, post filming. And I may have just happened to not know of its whereabouts. What? With all that leather flying around the set, who can keep track of one little jacket?

Ok, I was really sad to see fresh-faced Chelsea blown to bits. How adorable was she with her black/white/yellow (Yellow! A happy color in the Authority bunker!) and textbook and her cabbage patch dance of joy after passing her statistics exam?

I know the feeling, buttercup. Statistics was a bear.

But really, contrast sweet Chelsea with raging Rosalyn. Did you not want to slap a biatch? Although I am on board with her nipped-in reptile jacket and simple black shift. Clearly she follows the "wear one fabulous thing per day" rule.

Salome kicks things off in this flowy pant suit. I think? She was sitting cross-legged in a nice mid-century modern chair during this whole scene so I couldn't tell if it was pants or a dress.

Knowing her, it was probably a dress. I don't think we've ever seen her in pants. For instance, for a quick trip to Lilith's tabernacle, she dons a lovely lilac gown, offset with a badass cuff.

Well that was fine before the "level two protocols" were initiated, but now that shizz got real, it's time for something more glam.

Bra-VO Salome. Of all the fabulous drapes, tasteful cuts, and flattering colors, this is by far the best thing you've ever worn.  Even if you are being a bit of a conceited ass while wearing it.

It's just a shame it went down in a puddle of goo.

Hey Luna, why so angry? You pull off menswear rather well. Take that look and run with it once you get out of the bunker. Just my piece of advice.

But, you know, naked works well too.

Yes, when Luna wasn't in Rev Newlin's suit, she was in her birthday suit. The vamps don't see the need to give their human stock clothing, I guess. There was a whole lot of skin in this jail cell. Brrr...chilly!

As for Sam, he had three looks this episode. Nekkid, as above...

...insectile...

...and covered in entrails, after he flew into Rosalyn's mouth, and then shifted to human form. I guess there's more than one way to kill a vamp.

Yeahhh, not a fan of this "completely covered in blood" trend?

What's up, Scary Prophet/Demon/Lilith Bill! I'm sure you won't cause any trouble at all in Season 6!

True Blood: Sunset

Does the sun ever set on an episode of True Blood? Because it seems like it's always nighttime in Bon Temps. Well, apparently a metaphorical sunset is happening in this town - the time of mainstreaming is slowly dying and the time of vampire rule is coming...or at least that's what Salome and the gang are counting on (RIP Kibwe). Bill and Salome fall deeper into their religious delusions while Eric and Nora break out of theirs (and the Authority). Sam and Luna finally track down Emma in the Authority 'factory farm', just in time for Sam to volunteer to be Bill's next meal. Pam is arrested, Andy has to answer to his fairy baby-mama, Sookie consults an ancient (and super-hippy) fairy elder, and Russell tracks down the secret fairy nightclub (start linin' the shots up, faes!).

My, there was quite the revolving door at Vamp HQ this week! Jessica left (and came back); Eric, Nora, Russell and Steve left; Sam, Luna and Pam came in. Alas, there was a revolving of people but not so much of fashion. Several people were sporting the same outfits as last week. Geez, don't Salome, Jessica and Nora understand that we have to write recaps EVERY WEEK. You are powerful women! The least you could do is throw on a new pair of earrings. Do you think Hilary Clinton got to where she is because she DIDN'T put time and effort into her outfits??! Hrm, never mind...

Anyhoo, I can't hate on them too much because they may have the same outfits on but at least they are hot - so hot they are worth posting two weeks in a row. Observe:

Salome in her Vamp standard-issue black leather jacket, goth necklace and gorg hair.

And the other She-of-the-same-outfit-and-gorgeous-hair (ok seriously is there something in all the blood that they drink that really nourishes the scalp!?). Leave it to Jess to make a hot pink tee and zebra-print skinny jeans look...not trashy.

Remember this rockin' burgundy dress with leather trimmed cutout back on Nora last week? Well, here it is again in all it's stylin' glory:

So pretty.

Nora, I gotta say I was worried about your style when the show started, but you have been wearing some fab frocks lately - keep it up, buttercup!

Ok, now moving onto the characters who actually changed their clothes this week. Sookie had to hide out in fairyland for a bit since they discovered that there is basically a bounty on her head. Unfortunately she had to borrow some fairy clothes, which, as we all know, are not exactly subdued:

Why hello, Bon Temps Barbie, nice of you to drop in. While I do appreciate the cut and I like me a vibrant colour, this just screams Pepto-Prom to me. A sweater covered in nipple-like jewels over bright pink taffeta may be ragin' fairy clubwear, but methinks it's a tad overdressed for super-Vamp fighting. Alas, a cute sundress this ain't.

Pam-sicle agreed to let Jessica hide out in her basement (and even lent her a coffin - what a consummate hostess), then later let the Authority punks (in their "Expendables" black combatwear, including berets) arrest her for the murder of Eric's sheriff replacement. I don't even remember his name, that's how quick of a blip he was on the show. As you may remember, this is a murder that TARA committed. Pam would never admit it, but deep down she's such a do-gooder. She's also fashionable - she continues her "Victorian Dominatrix" look with this fab corseted top.

Beware the Bitchface!

I am envious of her small waist and her ability to simultaneously look ladylike and intense. The tweed, high neckline and curls are very "lady-vamp who lunches" while the black leather straps and fingerless gloves say "don't f&*# with me or I'll run you over with my motorcycle".

Looks like the fabness runs in the family because Tara was rocking a wicked outfit this week too:

This ombre leather jacket is so cool (SO much cooler than just plain black) and I actually find the leopard-print pants to be fun without being over the top. The dangly earrings and sexy sneer complete the ensemble. Jessica implied that Tara would like to borrow more than just Pam's clothes, if you know what I'm saying. Tara denies it, but even so, could you blame her for being in love?

This week we were introduced to yet another (short-lived) character - a fairy 'elder' who has apparently been alive, like, forever and pretty much has all the thoughts and words in the entire world running around inside her head (eeks, and I can barely remember what I had for supper 4 days ago). You guys, this woman is a total kook, for reals - she breaks into interpretive dances spontaneously, asks non-sensical questions and wears a way over-the-top dress and necklace. In fact, I am pretty sure I see her on my bus every day.

Over-the-top DOES seem to be the fairy fashion motto, doesn't it? This dress isn't terrible, the print is just a tad loud and it looks like it's partially made from tinfoil (wonder if she can pick up HBO?). I will give her this - her hair is fabulous. And she thinks Ke$ha is a bad singer and speller, so that means we are besties. 

Alas, the men of Bon Temps were a huge bore this week - Eric wore (WHOAOUTOFCHARACTER!) a long-sleeve black shirt and black pants, Bill actually wore a black blazer that was quite nice but stuck with his usual (yawn) uniform of black and/or jeans, Jason wore his sherrif's uniform (which earns a few points for hotness, but, again - snooze), and Sam wore...well nothing. Unless you count white mouse fur.

Alcide was BY FAR the best dressed man this week:

*putstonguebackintomouthwipesupdrool*

Sure, he wore his usual uniform too, but he's allowed. In fact, I insist.

True Blood: Gone, Gone, Gone

Episode Synopsis: the Authority continues to pretend that they aren't devout Sanguinists, but Russell tires of that, vowing to "have the sun", aka fairy blood. Eric pretends to accept Lilith, and Bill brings Jessica to the AVL to keep her safe. Back in Bon Temps, Sookie and Jason find a contract that gives them another puzzle to figure out, Tara offs the new sheriff, Jessica glamors Hoyt into forgetting all about her and Jason, and Sam and Luna go on a rescue mission as mice. You know, just the usual shenanigans.

Let's start things off fabulously, shall we? Lafayette's over-the-top ridiculous ensembles are back, complete with headscarf and giant sparkly 'L' buckle. Just in case you forgot who he was.

I'm going to ignore the single feather earring (does Lala watch Pretty Little Liars?), because the leopard print tank + sparkly sweater? AWESOME.

Also note-worthy: his baby blue snakeskin kicks. Did you steal these from Billy?

I think Pam's outfit confirms that they read YKYLF in Bon Temps.

Clearly she borred this look from Zoe's collection of spiked leather jackets. But the leather dress? All Pam. Plus her hair is looking back to its glam self after the horrid crimping mess of late.

...or apparently I spoke too soon? It looks like Pam let a three-year-old play hairdresser on her (as if...Pam wouldn't go near a kid with a ten-foot pole). Love the merlot, Victorian inspired dress, though.

Speaking of Pam and her progeny, Tara is seriously killing it. The McQueen-esque jacket and spiked jewellery are a far cry from her old wardrobe. Vamp=fabulous as far as I'm concerned.

So in love with Tara's cobalt leather jacket. She accessorizes nicely with a giant sword from Eric's Viking days.

Actually, no, the sword was to kill Eric's sad replacement, Nigel, who favors Mardi Gras jewels and ripped jeans. Thank goodness he's gone. I really didn't feel like recapping his outfits.

Let's hope Eric will be back soon to take his rightful place, because the poor boy is still trapped in the AVL's headquarters, divested of his leather jacket.

Probably because the rest of the Authority didn't want anyone thinking he was a part of their leather brigade... there seems to be a predilection to leather in the AVL, no?

They've even got Jess in on it!

They do branch out, though. Like Salome's elegant, but boring navy dress.

Or Nora's awesome burgundy cutout dress.

I guess jewel tones are the thing at the AVL. Jewel tones and leather. Just in case you get an invite to one of their parties.

And then there's Rosalyn, a proper Southern women in her pearls and tweed jackets.

Or Kibwe (that's really his name. I looked it up Wikipedia.) and his bizarre patterns and odd choice of a cravat and grandpa sweater.

Back to Jessica. She actually looks like... a normal teenager. Not a fabulous baby vamp whose daddy is the King.

Mad love for her dangly heart earrings though. It's all about the accessories.

And accessorizing with weapons is the new thing! Here Sookie pairs her blah floral pjs with a sleek gun.

I honsetly think Bill needs to come back to Bon Temps because Sookie is in a sartorial rut. WHERE ARE THE CUTE SUNDRESSES?!? Here we have a conservative rose-printed dress... paired with adorable slippers. Oh Sookie, so predictable.

Maybe she can learn a thing or two from her fairy friends. Morella is an absolutely stunning in this silk handkerchief dress. I love the pattern, and the color is totally in line with the fae's tendency towards the gaudy/tacky.

Speaking of tacky, that's exactly what Morella's costume jewellery is.

And the fae-boys are in on it, too. Not many guys can pull off Chinese-inspired silk tops. It must be a fairy thing, because Claude does it effortlessly.

Wait... do you think Lafayette could be a fairy? Who but La-La gives the fae a run for their money in the Tacky Olympics?

True Blood: Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Part 1 of 2

Hello my fellow trampires! This week the Authority gets crazy, which, in turn, makes Eric wanna turn in his V card. Sookie enlists Lafayette to do his medium thaaang. Jason plays police officer, while Jessica plays gorgeous ginger vamp. And Alcide reminisces about his male stripper past.

But first we start, as we should, with Lafayette...

Oh so many things to say, but the first that sprang to mind was that Mr. Reynolds (and here you thought La-La was surname-free, much like Cher) turned an Urban Outfitters sheet into a lovely print top. Is Lafayette turning into a faux-hipster? Will he next buy a record player and refuse to listen to mp3s?

Speaking of, at first I thought this an outake from "Dazed and Confused" or possibly some hipster initiation.

But no, it's Young Alcide! I know, it looks just like nothing like him!

Lack of convincing casting aside, snaps for Alcide's vintage shirt and flowing locks.

Young Alcide and Young Debbie learn what it means to be part of a wolfpack...

...and who better to teach them then The T-1000!?

Sporting a bare chest and barely-there vest, is Alcide's dad a werewolf or a male stripper? Wait a second, in the pop-culture universe, Alcide was in Magic Mike, so maybe male stripping runs in his family! Oh.My.Channing. Pop culture overload.

And here we have Jason Stackhouse calming Jess down, as they think of clues to find poor Hoyt. I'm digging Jason's burnt brown jacket and Jess's tiny lace glove...things. And is my mind in the gutter, or does this resemble a still shot from a flick of the ::ahem:: adult cinema genre?

But officer, I can't afford bail! How will I pay my way to freedom?...

Bow chika bow bow, indeed.