Welcome to the "Teen Stars We Loved" screening room. Here we'll watch Ringer and Hart of Dixie, featuring some of our fave teen stars, all growed up.
This week's episodes:
Ringer - "She's Ruining Everything"
Hart of Dixie - Still hasn't started yet. I read the Rachel Bilson article in this week's In Style: Makeovers, so that'll have to do for now. I suggest eating grits and fried chicken while reading it, for a true Hart of Dixie type experience.
What went down:
OK, Ringer was AMAZEBALLS this week. Wow. I actually laughed out loud, LITERALLY (that's LOLL), at the camptastic spectacularness of if all. Several times.
Remember last week how Bridget-as-Siobhan shot that guy? This week she spends the whole episode trying to get rid of the body, then being hilariously interrupted. And her stepdaugher is partying too hard. And Lila from Dexter is moving in on her husband. And then at the end... it turns out Siobhan IS STILL ALIVE and dressed like Carmen Santiago! Let's recap, shall we?
So, first of all, Bridget shoots the masked man. She tries to get rid of the body, but it leaves messy blood stains and she has to run off and fetch cleaning supplies. Then she returns to THE MURDER LOFT in this outfit:
Because what says "cleaning up the scene of a murder" than a cute white blouse with floral applique? Oh, yes, this outfit is cute. But cleaning up a corpse is hard... or is it?
Not when you've got a table saw! Cut to...
THE MURDER TRUNK. (Spoiler: you'll be seeing a lot of this trunk this week.)
Everything seems OK until the venue for her husband's Big Fundraiser becomes unavailable. Oh noes! Where can he rebook the Big Fundraising Launch Whatever Party? Oh, I don't know, how about INSIDE THE MURDER LOFT?
Yes, before Bridget-As-Siobhan knows what's hit her, she's party planning with Not Chuck Bass:
Yeah. Nice try with the checked shirt and patterned tie. I know you're on the CW, but you are Not Chuck Bass.
But there's no time to dwell on this! Bridget-as-Siobhan has to get ready for the party! And what says "ex-stripper posing as her possibly evil WASP twin at a gala" than... well... see for yourself:
Yes, a waist-length clip-on ponytail in a lighter shade of blond than your own hair! And this dress:
One sleeve, asymmetrical hem, armpit necklace, gold-plated neckline... Oh, and you might recognize Crazy Lila from Dexter there. She's Siobhan's husband's treacherous colleague. You can tell by the sheer fabric covering her chest and her poison-red lipstick. And also how she at one point says, "I'm going to steal your husband."
Anyway, Lila from Dexter and Siobhan's husband are giving a speech when a phone starts ringing inside of THE MURDER TRUNK. Yes, TMT will not be neglected during the gala. Bridget-as-Siobhan rushes over to turn off the ringer.
MURDER TRUNK WILL NOT BE IGNORED.
So, then (THEN!!) it turns out that SIOHBAN IS TOTALLY STILL ALIVE!!
And dressed CRAZY! And in France! And she wants to withdraw money but Bridget has already withdrawn all of her money! And now Siobhan is SO MAD in her fancy hat!
Oh, and Bridget sees some of her young self in her stepdaughter, Trashy Emma Watson:
Hermione would never wear a visible bra with a lace tank and a fur vest. But this girl does, and it's AWESOME.
The sight of this teen, in all of her trashtastic glory, causes Bridget to have flashbacks to "9 years ago" (aka: an indeterminate 80s-90s time period).
So sad in her one-shouldered top and Little J eyeliner. And gummy bracelets.
Never fear! Flashback Siobhan is here to drive you home:
... in a long floral sundress and cropped denim jacket? Like we all were wearing in that generic time period between 1985-2005? What, weren't you dressing like this "9 years ago"?
Oh, and Siobhan's cute redheaded friend suspects her husband is having an affair (which he totally is! With Siobhan! She's awful!) and she confronts him in this unfortunate getup:
I love her hair, I have to say. But the off-the-shoulder thing went out "9 years ago" and really doesn't go with the 5,000-lb necklace.
And what was Siobhan doing, having an affair with her totally sweet BFF's skeezy husband? I mean, look at him:
Dexter called. He wants his green henley back, you handsome skeeze.
Luckily, Bridget-as-Siobhan has called off the affair. Sensibly, as she gets to come home to Mr. Fantastic:
Who can resist a man in dissheveled formalwear, smoldering in his walk-in closet? Seriously, can anybody resist that? Anybody? No? Thought so. Le sigh.
But the episode ends with a shocking reveal from the scene-stealing MURDER TRUNK. Check it! Bridget sneaks over to THE MURDER LOFT to get rid of the corpse once and for all only to find...
EMPTY MURDER TRUNK! Duh duh DUUUUUUUH!
I seriously cannot wait for next week. Can't. Wait. I can only hope that Hart of Dixie lives up to the Dynasty-esque fabulosity of Ringer... we get to find out next week!
So, what'd you think?