Unholy Matrimony - Part 1 of 3 - Definitely Not The Wakefield Twins

The spring finale brought the dramz HARD CORE. Bam! Kristen finds out Alec slept with Rebecca. Bam! Sutton and Ethan find out Alec killed Lucas. Bam! Mads and Thayer secretly let the police search their house. Bam! They find the murder weapon. Bam! Alec and Rebecca get married. Bam! Alec gets arrested. Bam! REBECCA IS THE TWINS' MOM! AND SUTTON KNEW IT! AND THEY WERE WORKING TOGETHER (scheme TBA). Bam! See you in the summer season, bitches!

It was pretty easy this week to tell the twins apart. I mean, mad snaps to Alexandra Chando for making me looove Emma and haaaaate Sutton. That being said, the styling also helps us tell them apart:

Emma: straight hair, looks sad and/or hopeful. Sutton: curly hair, looks mischievious and/or bitchy.

Let's play a game. Guess the twin! Here we have straight hair, confused facial expression, and quasi-sensible running attire...

It's Emma "Elizabeth Wakefield" Becker! Not much to say about her outfit other than - where was that hidden in Sutton's Magic Closet? I can't picture Sutton running, let alone wearing a pair of practical shorts. Sutton would never wears shorts that loose-fitting.

How freaked out would you be to look over your shoulder from hugging your Mom to see this lurking outside of your window?

And what is that, exactly? Oh, just Sutton "Jessica Wakefield" Mercer, wearing shoulderpads that a football player would be like, "Those are a bit much."

I feel like pointing out the argyle and gold accents on her red belt. Not because I like them but just because it would be crazy to try and pretend like that belt's not happening right now.

That is a lot of belt. To give a girl credit, she makes it work. Here's the head-to-toe:

The checked shirt is cute, and unusual enough not to fight against the cray-cray belt. PS, her boots?

WANT.

Seriously, though, someone who's never seen this show before could tune in to Sutton wearing this outfit and know right away who's the good twin and who's the bad twin.

I mean, this is like Catwoman meets Joan Collins on Dynasty meets Erica Kane in the 80s. Her shoulders are as wide as the entire rest of her body. This is not a lady you want to cross. When Sutton hand-picks an outfit for you? You take it, no questions asked.

Yes, I mostly just used this picture for the rare shot of the Magic Closet. Sutton in her natural habitat.

Aaaand you can totally tell this is Sutton dressing Emma, not Emma choosing her own outfit:

I'm usually a fan of these sort of Chanel style suits, but in this instance, the colour is kind of meh, and the skirt is way too short. Sorry, Ems!

Let to her own devices, Emma chooses this modest, kind of Duchess Kate style red top:

And, unlike her sister's shoulderpadderiffic ensemble, Emma goes with a simple trench for her trip to visit Ethan:

At this point in the show, I had a moment where I was like, "Which twin is that?" But then I saw the straight hair and the non-HBIC outfit and knew it had to be Emma. You can also usually tell from her sincere facial expressions.

 

Sutton goes from bitchface to smirk and nothing in between. I'm pretty sure Sutton's working hard to avoid needing too much Botox in her middle years, while Emma doesn't think twice about what her face does.

Oh, and also, Emma wore a fuschia trench to Alec and Rebecca's wedding. You'd think that would be a weird choice... until we get to Mads (wait for that in the next part).

We didn't see her dress very much (due to the trench) but from what I can see, it's hella cute. Kind of boho feeling, with a drop-waist and a classic neckline. That's a little bit of Emma showing through her Sutton disguise.

Guess the twin!

I know, this one's easy. Curly hair, psycho bitchface. Obvs it's Sutton. Wonder where she gets that bitchface from?

Oh, hey there, Bridezilla.

Is there any way that Rebecca can be Sutton's mother, but not Emma's? No?

Unholy Matrimony - Part 2 of 3 - Behaving Like Adults (Except Totally Not)

So, Ted and Alec are kind of terrible Dads, amiright? Not only because of their nonstop manipulative/creepy ways, but because all they ever wear are business suits.

Luckily, they both brought some great face this week.

Alec went from stressed...

... to Happily Engaged To His Alibi...

... to Dark Lord Of The Universe!

Seriously, I have no idea how sweet, sweet Mads and Thayer share any DNA with this skeeze. But, then again, are any of the characters being raised by their actual parents? The way things are going, it'll turn out that Kristen is secretly everybody's Mom and Ethan's cowboy Dad is everybody's father. 

Or maybe that's just what I hope, to get Mads and Thayer and Sutton away from all these creepy parental units.

Ted's facial journey was even more dramatic than Alec's. Ted started off drunk/bored:

... then "Oh shizz my secret's out! Or at least, half of it!"

... and finally, he winds up as Sad Dad.

What's that? Oh, that's your bed, Ted. You made it and now you must lie in it. Alone - not with Kristen. That ship has sailed.

Did anybody else feel like giving a standing O when Kristen's long-lost backbone emerged? First she was like, "It was a misunderstanding! I will continue living in denial! My marriage is fine!" in this blehhh caftan:

Then she went to the tennis club in this, "EVERYTHING IS TOTES FINE" hoodie ensemble:

Then, once she finally realizes that her husband is a total douche, she has this moment of pain:

She doesn't stew for long, though. Suddenly, bubbling up from deep within, comes RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION!

Sometimes, all it takes is an emotional crisis and your family falling apart for a woman to start working what she's got. Has Kristen been hiding this rockin' bod under those shapeless curtains all season? Here, she's like, "Here's what you'll be missing, my soon-to-be-ex-husband! SUCK IT, LOCKET BOY!"

Look at those legs! It's almost like she's a grown-up Supergirl or something... wait a minute...

Seriously, though, she has nothing to worry about vis-a-vis Rebecca now that we know Kristen's got this yogilates frame. What's Rebecca bringing to the scene this week, besides Le Crazycakes?

A little cleave in this wraparound jewel-tone dress...

Some classic Jackie O/Audrey Hepburn style in this "We're engaged and getting married TOMORROW!" ensemble:

Love the belt and the bag on this one. This is by far her best outfit in the last little while (the costumers must have not noticed when she slipped out of the wardrobe trailer with something actually cute and flattering).

Sure enough, by the next time we see her, she's wrapped in this sequinned circus tent/maternity coat:

Sequinned coat with a sequinned bag? Oh, honey. No. World of no. And that coat, really? That's a coat you wear when you're 9 months gone and, last time I checked, you haven't given birth in about 16 years.

Apparently, there was a sale at the sequin store, because her tragic wedding skirtsuit included a superfugly sequinned white TSHIRT:

And that jacket doesn't fit at ALL:

Jacket too big, skirt too tight. See, this is why you want to be engaged for more than a week. You don't want to have to buy your wedding dress off the rack with no time for alterations.

Anyway, at least her shoes were super-fierce:

As soon as we saw those shoes, was there any doubt that Rebecca was the twins' mother? No wonder Emma was able to step into platform Louboutins after a lifetime in sneakers - she's got the genetics to ignore severe foot pain!

Unholy Matrimony - Part 3 of 3 - Everybody Loves Emma!

Isn't it kind of crazy how Emma took over Sutton's life, and everybody's come to like her better? Like, every single person in her life. Her parents, her sister, her BF, her sister's BF, her BFF. Emma is like Sutton 2.0 - looks a lot the same, but with 100% more kindness!

Mads has made her choice and is totally #TeamEmma. As the episode starts, she's also #TeamRebecca, totes happy about their upcoming not-at-all-suspiciously-rushed marriage in this adorable yellow knit:

Her hair is always so perfectly curled, too.

At the engagement dinner (you know, a day after the proposal and a day before the wedding), Mads brought some Evening Glamour in an LBD with some serious hardware around her neck:

Love this look on her. She's a wee little lollipop, but she always brings a rocker twist to her girlie looks. The heavy earrings and cross necklace keep her looking youthful and cute.

She also did a little Duchess Catherine wardrobe repeating, wearing her cute jacket from earlier this season when they left the party. Oh, hi British BF. No time for your surely-sketchy backstory, we're busy with all this Rebecca/Alec/Ted craziness.

Later, she shows that despite her happy demeanour, she's not entirely on board with #TeamRebecca. I luuurve this boatneck top, she's bringing the classic Mads ballerina style.

Then things get all kinds of effed up. Firstly, this is what you, a 16-year-old girl, wear to your father's wedding? Really?

... like, really? This is a Serena van der Woodsen style "Hey! It's my boobs!" dress. Somehow, her curled hair acts like so many arrows, directing your attention to her chest.

I like to think Mads realized this was totally inappropriate for the wedding, but what with the police raid, didn't have time to change. And so she changed into...

A black trenchcoat? Really? As maid of honour in a wedding, you stand up in front of everybody wearing... a black trenchcoat?

I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here. She was way too busy with emotional turmoil to really pay attention to what she was wearing. And I guess a trench is better wedding party attire than cutoffs and a bikini top... barely.

Laurel Swift can always be relied upon for age-appropriate styling and adorable outfits. This week, she also brought out the big guns acting as her mother's bodyguard. When Ted showed up with his Sad Dad act, Laurel was having none of that shizz.

That is the face of a girl who will break your arm before she lets you in to see her mother. So step away, Bad Dad. Stay awaaaaay.

Oh, and PS, this is what Laurel was wearing to comfort her Mom and stare down Bad Dad:

Cute lacey cami, cute reddish pink cardi, total classic Laurel casual style. I know this episode was heavy on the dramz, which is maybe why I like this look best this week. Simple, ladylike, and yet appropriate to the occasion (unlike, say, wearing a black trenchcoat to be maid of honour at your father's wedding).

Here's the tank on its own, BTW, which only makes me like the outfit even more:

The lace detail on the neckline? I die.

I'm not as big a fan of Laurel's evening look of flesh-toned sequinned crop tuxedo jacket and black top:

I mean, yes, she looks cute. But it's Laurel, she looks cute in EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Here's another shot of the weird light-pink/nude-coloured jacket:

Between this and Rebecca's sequins-a-go-go look, I think the costumers were just having a shiny moment. Hopefully next season they ration the sequins out a little better each episode.

Also? Laurel had a repeat performance of the ruffled-back jacket that caused me to have a minor meltdown a few weeks ago:

If I owned that coat, I'd be wearing it out as much as possible, too. Love how Mads and Laurel both had wardrobe repeating this week. The gals of The Lying Game: they're just like us!

Since we're heading into a long, sad, confusing hiatus where we all try and figure out what, exactly, Sutton and Rebecca had planned to have happen (Alec arrested? Emma breaking up with Ethan? Kristin finding out about the affair? All of the above?), I wanted to leave us all with some nice images.

Ethan's bad boy (with a heart of gold!) motorcycle look:

Except for the hair in the face, this is a pretty great look. Maybe look into a haircut before the return from hiatus, mmkay?

Ethan's trademark plaid shirt and Members Only jacket look:

Oh, and his "furrowed brow, confused/sad hot guy" look.

But I know which look y'all want to have to bide you over until TLG comes back: Ethan lounging while casually flexing his muscles in a tank:

I recommend making this your desktop until TLG comes back. Happy hiatus, everybody!