Okay. Let me start at the beginning. Theresa is totally dead, face down in a pool and Dan (understandably) loses it like he's in a Shakespearan play and yells at all the liars (and there are quite a few these days) for lying and killing his one true wuv. Then he burns furniture and starts giving Ethan ultimatums. Thayer, seemingly having no perspective on the situation that someone has just died, blends into a wall and also gives Emma an ultimatum. When everyone gives an ulitmatum, a lot of people lose: Thayer loses Emma, Emma loses Ethan, Ethan loses Emma, etc. Rebecca almost leaves town after a verbal bitch slap from Emma, but decides to stick around just in time for Jordan to be arrested for killing his brother (!), Alec to fall through a skylight (!!) and Thayer to have Theresa's murder weapon stashed in his chair (!!!). Thayer having the murder weapons explains his lack of perspective. These things happen when you're a sociopath. 

It's ultimatum time! Once again, Thayer blends into the woodwork and we almost forget he exists. I'd almost feel bad for him that he's losing his girlfriend to a way cuter guy, except a) I feel worse for Theresa and b) it looks like he killed her, so that negates any sympathy points.

And Dan says family or twins, so Ethan goes for family. Can't say I blame him. If this is the scene when your bro gives you an ultimatum, what would you do?

You pick the guy who is willing to burn the patio furniture in a rage, that's what. Which is really too bad for Emma, who has been headed back to "dressed like a normal teen", ever since the twin truth has been leaking.

If she were still pretending to be Sutton, I have a feeling mismatched PJs and a hoodie woudn't be happening here. But it's definitely more her personality than the daytime glamour.

Plus it suits Ethan's style as well.

I can't think of anything that would look bad on that guy. Flour sack? If it were fitted, he could make it work.

Still bringing it hard, probably because she's ultimatum free, is Laurel. 

She looks like a teen dream in tangerine. Also, it's nice to see her in a dress that flatters her waist and boobs again. Those earth mother numbers were dragging her down hard. 

Rebecca may want to burn some furniture or give an ultimatum, because she is failing to get her daughters to choose Team Family.

While she looks great in champagne coloured lace and jeans, with some tasteful gold jewelry, she's not winning this fight against Emma of the Seven Foster Homes and Six Schools. No amount of tacky BFF jewelry is going to save you from that one (it's her undoing in more ways than one, since the other half turns up at a the scene of the murder). Becs, you need to bring the Cartier to make up for those lost years.

Looks like she can afford it, seeing as this was her getaway outfit and choice of transportation.

Seriously? Cheap jewelry while you fly charter? Bitch, please. But the white sheath with a hint of peplum is an excellent choice when you make an evil getaway. I believe that's a page from the Victoria Grayson Playbook. 

The twins, headed to a weird place of sisterly bonding (I'm unfamiliar with a sisterly Sutton), do it in floral this week.

Twisies, best friendsies? Emma goes for big bright floral on a black dress...

while sutton goes for the very odd choice of random botanical prints with pink formal shorts.

I can't even begin to understand the choice of shorts. Or even Emma's church garden party dress. However, I'm so on board with Sutton's giant ass ring.

Daytime cocktail rings must be the new daytime glamour. 

Alec decides to honour Theresa's memory with a fund of some kind, plus what may be the oddest memorial service in the history of ever. It looks more like a fundraising dinner than a memorial. Very few dressed in their mourning clothes. Ethan and Dan did, but I guess you have to when it's your fiancée/sister-in-law-to-be that's found dead in the pool.

Outside of those two, Sutton is the only one even remotely dressed for the occasion.

Not so much the giant chain link necklace (love it), but the black dress. Oddly, she had no plans to attend. This is her "I'm chilling out in a cabin in the woods" outfit. 

Emma goes with champagne lace and a figure skater neckline. 

Flattering and lovely, but not really memorial service appropriate.

More Asos...

Then again, neither is Kristen in this blue satin frock she swiped from the Mad Men wardrobe department.

I mean, it's much better than her pre-divorce proceedings, but the timing is all off. Maybe don't wear the bright sexy mom number to mourn the dead?

The blue dress is the only thing she's really doing right. Because, as I said, she was totally bland at the divorce meeting.

Great red glasses though. Totally cool mom of you, Kristen. 

After switching places with Sutton, Emma raids Kristen's closet for the most shapeless blue shirtdress. And success! She finds one!

But her hair was totally fantastic and very Veronica Lake-film noir-ish, so she gets half points for that. 

Back at the country club where everything of any importance in Arroyo happens, Mads goes for some lovely black and white. 

How much hair does that girl have? The more to hide secrets in I guess. I don't love that it's a maxi skirt, but I otherwise dig on the B&W&red-hot all over look. it's a great one for saying good bye to your boyfriend as he's arrested on surprise murder charges. 

He must have known that arrest was coming, because he changed his shirt. I get it. I'd want to look my best for the mug shot, too.

Still wreaking havoc is the very evil, but perhaps not quite as evil as we first thought, Rebecca.

Black dress and black gloves? How very "A" of you, Rebecca. I'll just assume they're her way of going incognito and preparing for this to happen.

Oops. Let's hope he makes a Revenge(!!!)-like recovery.

Ok, let's recap: Jordan has been arrested for possibly murdering his brother, Rebecca has possibly pushed Alec through a skylight, and Mr. Blink-and-you'll-miss-him has a found a way to get his girlfriend to notice him...

Murder! 

But I bet wearing colors that aren't the same as the walls would also get her attention. Killing very nice lawyers, framing your dad and trashing your room with a murder weapon is really not necessary. 

So, did Thayer do it? Did Rebecca do it? Did Jordan do...whatever it is he's accused of doing? Sadly, it's the end of season 2, and the secrets and lies will be marinating for the rest of the year. 

You know how Revenge (!!!) has over-the-shoulder hugs? Well the Lying Game has a penchant for windows. Case in point: Thayer and his prison stripe sweater.

I feel like everyone's just used to people creeping outside Sutton's window now. It's pretty much become a main entrypoint at Casa de Mercer.

On the other side of that window was Mads, who brought a weekender for a night at the Mercer's. She pairs a gorgeous pair of silk shorts with an equally awesome printed tank. And those shoes? Fab, as always. No walk of shame for our wee little lollipop.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Krisitn continues her reign as Queen of Bland. Boring, shapeless, blends into the background, etc.

But I'm being too harsh, right?

No, she brings the blah to yoga class, too. Is there an asana to clear sartorial blockage?

Meanwhile, Rebecca ambushes her at the country club in a similarly unflattering print dress. The worst part is, we never got a clear shot of her shoes, and I'm betting they were best part of her outfit.

Maybe Emma could borrow the shoes. I mean, I feel like she only wears the most uninteresting pieces from Sutton's closet. This black dress is one of them, and it makes me sad.

Speaking of Sutton, she's pretty used to sneaking around outside windows, too. NBD. Just spying on sis and Ethan sharing a midnight cuppa.

 Although she may be onto something about that moonlight. Hola, Ethan.

Just a little gratuitous male shirtlessness for y'all.

My first thought was that Emma probably shouldn't be wearing lingerie while (shirtless) Ethan's crashing at the Mercers.

But then I realized it was merely a pink babydoll top with floral shorts Sutton made in home ec. In grade seven, probably. Oh, Emma. Only you.

Non-sexual lingerie aside, I don't predict Ems and Thayer lasting much longer. If I could only give one picture as evidence of Ethan and Thayer as total opposites, this would be it. Thayer blends into the background in his neat navy polo, while Ethan is a bronze statue claid in plaid. Typical.

Not typical is Sutton's floral button-up and jean shorts. Looks like Sutton's been dipping into Emma's remaining LA wardrobe.

But there's little details, such as the little zipper on the collars that definitely make the blouse Arroyo worthy.

And these two? Defs not Arroyo worthy in a plain blue henley and neon tank. Didn't Emma (or Sutton?) wear this like three episodes ago? The neon tanks are getting old. Next!

And finally, someone who breaks out of their norm. This is how you know Jordan means business. He's not in pastels. And Mads shows up both Emma and Sutton in a printed tank that's not neon or floral. Yay lollipop!

No yay for Sutton — this is the second floral top from her this week, this must be her version of laundry day clothes.

But it's definitely not laundry day for Rebecca in this lovely sapphire top. She has good taste in drape-y silk tops, even if she has terrible taste in jewellery.

And then we have Laurel, who probably has the best taste in jewellery out of everyone in the show. But I gotta say, I almost miss the mullet sundresses. Yet another tank this week from Laurel, this one in the form of neon orange and crochet overlay. Definite improvement from Emma's, but what happened to the girls who once wore daytime sequins?

Laurel even falls prey to a boring dress this week. The lack of a defined waist isn't doing her any favors. But those shoes?? Coupled with that hair she could wear a potato sack and still be cute. Same goes for Sutton. The addition of the nude heels definitely takes her outfit up a notch.

Emma may not understand daytime glam yet (baby steps), but she totally kills it in this red number. Love the drop necklace which coordinates perfectly with her bracelet. Laurel must've picked them out for her.

Although, Emma, you're technically meeting your dad for the first time. You couldn't come up with anything more creative than a ponytail? Hmph. Well, here's to more pretty dresses, less boring ones, more shirtlessness/tuxes, and hopefully some answers next episdoe!

What should have been the most important day in the life of a cynical cop who lives in a trailer goes topsy turvy when the bride leaves him stranded at the chapel. Folks are saying cold feet, especially when her clothes are missing, her ring is left behind, and her car is found at the airport. Dan doesn't believe it for a minute. And, of course, we know he's right. We just don't know who took Theresa or why they care so much about this twin secret that they're willing to kill and kidnap (because we really hope Theresa hasn't gone the way of the Derek), but there are a lot of missing alibis for the night before. Meanwhile, Sutton starts to question Rebecca's motives (smart) and comes clean with Emma, Jordan comes (mostly) clean with Mads, Ted and Kristen's marriage continues to crumble, and Ted looks super shady when Emma learns he was at Derek's grave last night.

Poor, poor Dan. Left with only Theresa's voice mail on his wedding day. And he cleans up so well.

Not quite as well as Ethan, who we see out of his usual plaid and fitted tees.

I think I like the plaid and the shirtlessness best, but I'll take it. And I like how Theresa matched the bridesmaid's dress and Ethan's tie in that buttery yellow. It's just lovely. I'm sad we don't get to see her Shotgun Wedding dress. I bet it was going to be super cute and simple. 

Instead, we get the wedding guests — both invited and uninvited. Sutton crashes in a black sundress.

You'd think she know that the best way to blend in is to dress appropriately for the event. The dress is cute for Sutton casual wear, but not for wedding crashing.

I do, however, completely approve of her giant medallion jewelry. 

This is a much better way to get matchy matchy with your accessories than last week's Claire's special.

Mads, on the other hand, is taking the matchy matchy just a little too far. At first glance, I'm all over this. The colour looks fantastic on her and it's a great choice for a warm weather wedding that isn't too formal. The accessories aren't overdone and I especially adore the layered necklace. But the purse in the exact same colour as the dress? Really Mads? We expect more from your sense of style. And I know you did the same thing last week. Try just a little harder.

BTW, her purse to hair ratio says the suspicious lack of a bride and her feelings about Jordan have got her and her hair down, so a bigger bag is required to hold secrets and feelings. 

Speaking of Jordan, while I like the grey/pink combo and the skinny tie, he's still throwing off a James Spader vibe.

There's something so 80s teen movie about him. Maybe it's less about the outfit and more about the hair. It's got the kind of volume I haven't seen in a dude's hair since I read Sweet Valley High on the regular. 

The shadiest guests could have done a better job coordinating tie colour to dress.

I'm not saying Alec should wear coral, but I am saying the lack of colour coordination is the real sign of discord in their marriage. That and the fact that they're both trying to make it with one half of the Mercers. 

Rebecca's coral dress is a fantastic colour, and I love the nude shoes/clutch combo and her aviators. 

But I the fit around the girls isn't as good as it could be and that's just unfortunate. A truly evil villian would know that she needs to show off the girls as much as possible. But her taste is becoming questionable as of late. I mean, check out Sutton's reaction to Rebecca's heartfelt gift for the twins.

Yeah, that's right Sutton. We'd make the same face if someone tried to give us a tacky broken heart BFF charm, especially if it was our wealthy long lost mother who's done quite well for herself since giving twins up. I'd expect at least a Tiffany charm at this point. It's probably why #SuttonComesClean with Emma — tacky charms are where she draws the line. 

Rebecca's coral lace overlay did have her in sync with her other daughter though.

I was going to express serious disappointment in Emma for breaking out yet another tank. With such a wonderful, magical closet at your disposal, why waste it on a tank top? But then I noticed the bitchin' turquoise bracelet, which led me to notice the colour blocking on the bright denim and the shoes that match the bracelet.

Fine Emma, you may be bored with the daytime glam (we weren't), but I'll accept this outfit. Besides, you're probably trying to wear as many bright colours as possible to compensate for Thayer's cameleon like choices in clothing.

Seriously. Let's play Spot the Thayer!

When he blends right into the paint, I start to think about how Waldo is easier to find in a crowd of striped shirts. If Laurel gets a chance to play Coachella again, I'm going to advise against bringing Thayer, as there's no doubt he'll wear desert colours and no one will ever find him again. 

In addition to being the colour of every wall, he's full of questionable ideas that all hinge on "don't let Emma spend time with Ethan or she'll forget about me. Even Laurel and Mads are starting to notice this.

There's a lot of casual wear happening this week. I mean, it's still Arroyo casual, which is nothing like real people casual. Laurel is chilling at home in a baby doll dress. 

 While still not the best cut for the girls, it's significantly better than last week's. And her hair is so golden and shiny and wonderful, that it's really the star of her outfit. She could have worn a sack and I'd have said she looks great with that perfect hair. I think I like her necklace, but it's lost in her cleave.

Sutton does her version of "roughing it in a cabin without access to a Magical closet" with white cut offs and soft polka dot blouse.

I'm thrown off that neither twin is in daytime glam, but I really dig Sutton's summery look. The light blouse is much more flattering than a tank and it dresses up the cut offs.

And that mint colour with polka dots is about a thousand times better than the blouse Emma chooses for dinner at the club.

What? What? My brain can't even process that pattern with the coordinating maroon slacks. Did she dig that out of Kristin's collection to be sent to the Goodwill? Wherever she found it, she should send it back immediately. 

Mads almost brings the daytime glam in her bejewelled tank with a plunging neckline that she wears with jeans to study at home.

Ok, this is more champion amateur figure skater than teenage glam. We all know she can do better, but I assume this is her version of leggings and an old college sweatshirt, so I'll let it slide. I don't like being judged for the outfits I wear when working at home, either. 

As for the shady characters that are supposed to be grown ups around these parts, well, divorce papers appear to be doing wonders for Kristin. 

Remember the days of grey sacks? Gone! Now it's fitted, cropped pants, airy white blouses and heels.

And for dinner in a hotel room with your husband's bestie?

A flattering black wrap dress. Kudos, Kristin. Kudos. Ted and his golf shirts were really dragging you down sartorially and Alec is clearly bringing out your hot mom side. 

Attempting to do the sexy trophy wife look is the lady in these cage shoes.

(Dear ABC Family: thank you for the double shot of gratuitous male shirtlessness plus a shoe close-up! Two of our favourite things.)

I could almost work with the shoes, but the cut of the pants coming down over them? And then we pan up to this mistake of a top?

Blurg... so Real Housewives of Arroyo. This is a "don't" if ever I saw one, as is the hair I used to wear in junior high. This woman is hot one moment and a total mess the next. All her crazy plans to reunite her twins and get with their dad must get to her sometimes and she just can't manage to bring her A game. Because it's the only thing that describes that top with the cutout shoulders. Scheming is hard, y'all and we should try and remember that when we see Rebecca can't pull it together, fashion-wise. 

Emma's spends the episode trying to convince herself she doesn't reget sleeping with Thayer. This isn't made any easier when Laurel tells Ethan to go after Emma, and Ethan shows up in Emma's room and kisses her. Rebecca reveals to Sutton that she planted the evidence on Alec. Jordan's Dark Mysterious Past is slowly being revealed, although he still won't tell Mads exactly what he's done. But, most importantly, Rebecca sees Alec and Kristen kissing and tells Ted, and gets what she's been waiting for — a drunken kiss from Ted. Also, in mystery news, someone's been leaving flowers on Derek's grave, and Theresa is sure that it's the guilty party. After the rehearsal dinner, she stakes out the grave and sees someone — we don't know who — leaving the flowers. But, given how the camera zooms in on Theresa saying "You?!' all shocked, I'm guessing she's uncovered the real identity of A. Wait. Wrong show.

Poor Emma. This is the face of a girl who's just woken up alone after losing her virginity.

It's okay, Emma! Thayer didn't ditch you! It's just that, when he's asleep, he can't control his chameleon powers. He's still there, he's just blending in with the sheets.

Isn't that better? No? Are you regretting losing your v-card to a man-chameleon hybrid? Don't worry, we've all been there.

Thayer and Emma have a yogurt post-sex date that night, and Emma looks downright demure in her belted floral dress.

Don't get me wrong, this is adorable, but it's probably the most conservative thing we've ever seen Emma in. I'm guessing she had to dig deep into Sutton's Magic Closet to find it. Sutton's probably only worn this once, to Easter brunch at the club.

Emma goes to see Thayer at work, again looking very buttoned up in her (dare we say virginal?) white lace top.

Emma. Pumpkin. Chill. I know you're probably freaking out because you promised yourself you'd only sleep with one guy that Sutton's also slept with, and you picked the wrong one. But I promise you, no one will think less of you for breaking your rule and hooking up with Ethan in a few episodes. I mean, it's Ethan, bringer of the Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness with a side of Soulful Intense Staring. We all get it. So undo a button or two, stop looking so damned conflicted, and be happy that your first time was in a bed and not on a pile of blankets in the Squatter House.

Ethan, can you please set her straight?

My point exactly. Thank you.

Even with a concealed carry permit for those guns, Ethan still looks smoking hot.

With his usual t-shirts and henleys, it's easy to forget how well Ethan cleans up. Our favorite look for Ethan is of the less-is-more variety, but we won't send him packing if he shows up in our room dressed like this.

This is not one of Laurel's better episodes, fashion-wise. The highlight is probably her cute sleepwear, which we only see briefly.

For real, this is as good as it gets for Laurel this episode.

Case in point:

Nothing about this is flattering. It destroys her waistline. It's doing wildly unflattering things to her bust. The color of the top is meh. The pleating on the skirt is way too wide, and the skirt is too structured for that top. Definitely a miss. The skirt could have been salvageable with a different top, but that halter monstrosity should be burned immediately.

To perform at Dan and Theres'a rehearsal dinner, Laurel breaks out a very LSwift frock. I'm not entirely sure how different it is from one of her nightgowns.

We've seen Laurel in dresses like this several times, and I'm just not a fan. The girl has curves, and these dresses don't do her any favors.

Most impressive about this ensemble is the giant ring she's wearing.

Laurel may be crying to Mads about her parents' divorce, but you know that deep down, Mads is excited to have unlimited access to Sutton and Laurel's seemingly endless collection of accessories. When Mads is finally betrayed by Jordan, a huge ring will look great as she slaps him.

And really, Laurel should be excited too. It won't be a one-way street. Mads brings with her an impressive collection of giant purses.

Seriously, that bag is so big, she could nest inside it. Maybe it's because I just did a ton of Stats homework, but I think it's time to start tracking Mads' purse to hair ratio. Her hair is relatively flat here, and her purse is gigantic. I think that, when she's having a bad hair day, she stores her secrets in a comically oversized purse.

Further proof: some slight lift at the crown, a midsized hobo bag. All to hide her night of white wine and bonding with Ethan from Emma.

No one looks as good in grey as Mads. Such a cute, simple outfit. The shape is getting a little familiar — we've seen this belted v-neck style on her several times this season, but it's so flattering on our wee little lollipop that I really can't complain.

For the rehearsal dinner, Mads looks smoking hot in a wine colored slip dress.

For real, this girl is flawless. The dress is sexy but understated, and the jewelry keeps the whole look perfect for a rehearsal dinner at the Whitehorse trailer.

As for her love interest/stepbrother Jordan — you can call him sexy, but understated? Not a chance. I mean, he has pink golfing gloves.

The guy is basically Arizona's answer to Scott Disick.

I had a theory a couple weeks ago that, much like Mads, Kristen was hiding all her secrets under her giant tunics and dresses. Now that her Spiral Bound Notebook of Inner Pain is out in the open, the wardrobe department has invested in some skinny jeans to go with her drapey tops.

I really can't criticize this outfit — it's pretty much exactly what my mom would wear to lunch at the country club she belongs to.

However, what I can criticize: making out with Alec in the middle of the damned country club.

In the background? CHAIRS. FROM THE PORCH. OF THE COUNTRY CLUB. Come on, you guys. At least sneak off to the woods by the tenth hole before you start necking.

You know what Rebecca's thinking right now?

"You guys are making it too easy for me." And we agree. We're also thrilled to see the skinny jeans have made their way into Rebecca's closet, along with this cute striped top. So much more flattering than her usual matronly (or too sexy) dresses.

It's a rare episode when we get through nearly the entire recap without once mentioning Sutton, but our girl doesn't get many costume changes. In fact, she spends most of the episode wearing this:

Love the brights together, and it's much more believable that Sutton would wear these saffron jean cutoffs than the denim shorts we've seen her in before.

More Jimmy Choo...

The only part of the outfit that gives us pause are the accessories.

Because, really, Sutton — while it's impressive that you found earrings and a ring that matched your outfit, the flower motif is more than a little too matchy-matchy. If the earrings had been tangerine-colored studs, this would 100% be amazing. But flower earrings and a flower ring ... it kind of looks like you've taken to shopping at Claire's. Then again, with that giant heart locket you wore a few weeks ago, maybe we're not that far off-base.

Let's wrap up the recap with some Thayer-watch, shall we? This week, Thayer defies the odds — despite wearing a uniform, he still manages to find a way to match the background.

I guess you could say he's really tie-d to that door. Get it? Because his tie is the exact same color as the door?

Seriously, the wardrobe people have to be doing this on purpose, right?

Emma lets Laurel in on the secret, discovers that Ted is possibly her biological dad and also Derek's killer, and then sleeps with Thayer... all in one episode. She did have help with figuring out Derek's killer — Derek's mom brought in a dug-up bag full of $20,000 in cash, the same amount Kristin finds missing from the accounts. Meanwhile, the great couple swap of 2013 occurs, with Ted and Rebecca sharing a dance and Alec and Kristin sharing more than a bottle of wine. And because things aren't further complicated, Mads and Ethan share a moment (also over a bottle of wine). And it all happens at a flipside dance (aka Sadie Hawkins), which is pretty much another occassion for the girls to wear fab dresses and for Emma to impersonate Sutton.

In place of gratuitous male shirtlessness, we get Ethan bench pressing some weights. #nbd. Also, this is a good way to make sure we're still paying attention five minutes into the show.

And apparently all that working out is doing Ethan some good. He makes this seriously boring blue shirt, well, interesting. As interesting as the fact that Thayer drives a Mini Cooper. Speaking of, Thayer and Emma are back! (They left?)

In an attempt to help us tell Sutton and Emma apart, it becomes clear that the hair and wardrobe department on this show really prefer Sutton. Emma gets the flat hair, Sutton the PLL-worthy gorgeousness. Sutton gets the Magical Closet while Emma gets a boring simple colorblocked frock and equally boring jewellery. Sorry Emma.

At first glance, this must be Sutton. I mean, she put effort into her hair! Her outfit is cute!

But no, it's Emma! In a fantastic summery floral with a cool silvery knit back. Hands up if you think she borrowed a bump-it from Mads. Seriously, check out the detail on the back of this top: 

Our wee little lollipop wore cute outfits but didn't get much love this episode. First up, purple jeans that make her legs look a million miles long. Or maybe it's the killer heels. (Sidenote: how awesome are those geometric stairs?!)

As much as I love Stylish Mads, I love Wallowing Mads and her adorable patterned henley even more.

Only, the wallowing doesn't last long. Alec gives his daughter a pep talk and she shows up at the dance dressed to the nines...

Laurel's emerald gown is lovely, and her hair is Emily Thorne fab. But Mads? Poor Mads got stuck with a ruched, patterned watercolor gown with a mullet hem. It looks much, much better sitting by the pool, though (more on that later).

Loving, as always, Laurel's outfits. 

This week it's this orange dress with white lace overlay and (of course) coordinating purse. Neon is clearly Arroyo's dress code, and definitely explains Jordan's yellow pants.

YKYLF has a girl-crush on Laurel. It probably has to do with the fact that her accessories are always spot-on. The way to our hearts is proper accessorizing, and this girl knows it.

Seriously though, check out the cut-out back on her dress! Gorgeous x 100000. Also her obviously pinterest-worthy hair. Double twisted ponytails? Love.

If only she could help her mother. At first you want to congratulate Kristen because she's wearing a really cute chambray shirtdress that actually defines her waist!!

But then you notice that said shirtdress is more like a cross between a shirtdress and a pilgrim skirt and defines more than her waist.

And also has a peplum. Yikes.

Also yikes — zebra print dresses at the country club. Who wears skintight zebra print in the afternoon?! Let alone at a country club, where your shorts must pass a length test. But those heels? To. Die. For. I'll take a pair in every color, please and thank you. 

Propriety is clearly not Rebecca's strong suit. Her dress is perfect for a high school dance! If your high school dance was held in a stuffy gym and you were in ninth grade. This is not what you wear to chaperone a high school dance at a country club, unless you want to be mistaken for a high school student. The shiny ruched satin is doing her no favours, but the yellow clutch is a nice pop of color.

Let's play a game of who wore it better...

Sutton?

or Emma?

Either way, both girls look gorgeous in the red BCBG gowns, with chunky pearl bracelets and fab updos. I would really like to know how Emma got the deets on Sutton's entire ensemble. She replicated it to a T. 

Speaking of tees...

Dan "I'm getting married in jeans" and Theresa "simple elegant accessories and blouses" could not be farther apart on the sartorial spectrum. But they are a seriously cute couple. 

And speaking of cute couples, here's a list of people who aren't:  

1) Kristen and Alec. Because really, how did this even happen?!?!

I mean, this was our reaction to Alec and Kristin:

2) Rebecca and Ted. And it is obviously not a coincidence that Ted's tie is blue. While it doesn't match Rebecca's shiny blue monstrosity, it's not supposed to. Because that would be way too obvious on Rebecca's part. Duh.

And one possibly cute couple: 

Mads and Ethan? He "always finds her when she's hiding". Only we know they won't be a couple because there's no ABC Family-provided hashtag in the upper right corner. #MadsandEthan #Methan #Madsan 

And just to tide you over till next week, more gratuitous male shirtlessness!

You're welcome.

Sutton's wreaking havoc on the Mercer marriage thanks to Kristen's Spiral Bound Notebook of Inner Pain. Emma is in LA uncovering the truth about Rebecca. It only takes her one episode, and it took Sutton an entire season - more proof that Emma is the Elizabeth Wakefield of the twins. Laurel, more sure than ever that she's being Parent Trapped, follows Sutton to Rebecca's and falls off the retaining wall, earning her a trip to the hospital. Emma returns, sneaks into Laurel's room, and finally tells her the truth. Oh, and Mads realizes she's majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh Jordan.

You know how, after months in a third world prison, when you're finally out you want to eat a huge dinner but your stomach has shrunk so much that all you can eat is a cube of bouillon? Well, I think Sutton's going through that, except replace "third world prison" with "exile from the Magic Closet." That's the only explanation for why she's wearing what appears to be her tennis outfit to school.

I thought Arroyos had a strict dress code. Where's the sequins? The daytime glamour? Sutton almost looks like a regular high school student, which feels so terribly wrong.

It takes some good, old-fashioned revenge (!!!) to help Sutton readjust to the endless options presented by her Magic Closet. Sutton wears a deceptively sweet lace top to drop a bomb in the form of a Spiral Bound Notebook of Inner Pain.

Of course, much like with Sutton herself, there's always another side to things.

The bow closures on the back are so sweetly sexy, and such a great take on the back embellishments we've been seeing in stores all season.

For Dan and Teresa's engagement party (they're engaged, btw), Sutton knocks it out of the park in this LBD with a plunging mesh neckline and mesh back. 

So sexy, so age-inappropriate, so occasion-inappropriate - y'all, I think our Sutton may be back.

More Alexis Bittar...

Laurel tries her hand at some classic YKYLF snark with her assessment of Sutton's footwear: "Hooker heels? Must be a special occasion." Nice burn, Laurel, but let's be real: these beauties are meant for a life better than stalking a street corner. At the very least, they're high-class escort heels.

Or, given the Arroyo High School daytime glamour dress code, these are "Rush to third period calc" heels.

Let's check in on Emma, who is continuing her trend of living Sutton's life. First she took over her homelife, now she's reliving Sutton's plot from season one. Fortunately for all of us, she's now been trained in the fine art of fashion.

Can you imagine if she'd gone to LA before having access to the Magic Closet? Instead of this fabulous white motorcycle jacket and matching skinnies, we'd have that awful jean jacket from episode one. I shudder at the thought.

Had to do a close-up of Emma's giant cocktail ring.

Emma lost some serious points in my book when she came all the way out to LA with this fabulous ring and didn't offer to let me borrow it. Not cool, fictional character. Not cool.

Both the girls wear a ton of pink in this episode: Sutton wears a pink tennis outfit at the club and a pink tank after revealing the Spiral Bound Notebook of Inner Pain. Emma works this cute, drapey pink top when she goes to interview a nurse who was at her delivery.

I don't have any conclusions to draw based on that observation, I'm just saying, in addition to having flawless hair, the girls love their pink.

Laurel's softer style shines through in this just-shy-of-lime green top.

Yes, they used a similar color last week, but I love that they're putting her in these brights. It feels so young and fun, plus totally on-trend.

Laurel wears this ensemble to play Nancy Drew and the Case of the Erratic Sister. She ends up in the hospital after falling off a retaining wall, but I'm just surprised she managed to get to Rebecca's house without twisting an ankle. 

Yes, when she got dressed, she wasn't planning on trailing Sutton, but I'm just saying: when you start thinking your sister might have a secret twin, it's time to switch to sensible shoes. Sure, you might not have to follow her and climb a retaining wall, but you're better safe than doing an awkward shuffle-run in platforms.

It's the halfway point in this recap. Time for some Gratuitous Male Shirtlesness.

Our thoughts exactly, Mads. Oh, and great robe.

The show's title might refer to the tricks Sutton used to play on her friends and family, but Mads is running a couple of her own Lying Games these days. She's being cornered by Laurel about the Sutton/Emma situation and she's hiding her illicit stepbrother affair from Alec. Seriously, you guys, her hair is so full of secrets it's a bouffant.

I don't know how her wee little lollipop neck is supporting all the weight of her LIES.

If last week's episode was all about the grey, this week is chock full of pink. Per usual, Mads is doing everything right.

Such a perfect, summery outfit. And is it just me, or does it feel like they're having a heatwave in Arizona in this episode? The absence of a necklace with this outfit feels very "Ugh, it's too hot for jewelry."

To lounge by the pool and do some English homework (what, isn't that how you studied in high school?), Mads throws on this super cute bikini and matching earrings.

I'd say the outfit is a dead giveaway that she's pulling a Cher and wearing a cute outfit to win over her stepbrother, but let's be honest: even if there were no elligble men on Earth, Mads would still match her accessories to her bikini.

She wraps up the episode with a little indignation and a gorgeous Robbi & Nikki dress.

I wish there were a better photo of the dress. It's super cute, and she looks great in olive.

The heat must have broken for the evening, because Mads is back to her giant accessories.

I don't know how she does it. She is literally the size of a dandelion, but she absolutely rocks giant accessories. She should hold seminars on the proper pairing of chunky jewelry.

If Mads wins at wearing pink this episode, it's safe to say that Jordan loses.

Is it just me, or could Jordan's entire wardrobe be taken from James Spader's closet in the 80s?

Don't give me those earnest eyes, hot stepbrother.

And what is up with your epaulette fixation? If we hadn't seen him shirtless multiple times, I'd say that his deep, dark secret is that he actually has super narrow shoulders, and he wears the epaulettes to compensate.

I think I've finally figured out why Kristen can't define her waist to save her life: much like Mads hiding secrets in her hair, Kristen's been hiding all her secrets in ill-fitting dresses. Seriously, this is before Sutton reveals that Kristen felt like a bad mom and was in love with Alec:

Standard Kristen fare: loose top, giant skirt, neutral colors, not particularly flattering. I would have left it out of the recap ... except!

This is how she dresses after all her secrets are revealed:

RIGHT? She's barefoot and carrying a book because this is what Kristen considers loungewear when she doesn't have to stuff all her secrets into a giant denim tunic. I want to be mad at Sutton for playing Rebecca's game, but at the same time, she's done Kristen a huge sartorial favor.

Side note: was anyone else stunned to find out that this was actually Kristen's diary? I totally thought it was a fake, because for real, who keeps a diary in a spiral bound notebook?

Also, has Officer Dan always had these guns? Or has he been stepping up his weight training now that he's got Theresa to impress?

Anyway, that's the recap!

Oh, sorry, Thayer. I didn't see you over there next to the wall that's the SAME COLOR AS YOUR SHIRT. AGAIN.

New theory: Thayer's real father is actually a chameleon.

Alec is back and creepier than ever. He sweeps his revenging (!!!) bride off to a secret honeymoon at the Cabin of Poor Decisions, where she suddenly needs to hide her secret twin that her creepy husband actually, totally knows about. Meanwhile, Ted is being given an award for humanitarian surgeries and Sutton's plan to keep him and Kristen apart goes sideways when she suddenly has feelings for her adoptive mother. And Mads is hiding her secret love affair with the step-brother (once removed) in her volumous hair. 

There was so much grey going on this week. And tank tops. Considering their usual daytime glamour, seeing our teenagers dressed like actual, casual teenagers is a wee bit weird. 

If they weren't hiding out because she switched places with her evil twin and had to hide from the family they've been conning, well, you'd almost think they were totally normal high schoolers on a study date.

But then Sutton sashays in wearing lace and formal shorts to remind you that these teens don't do normal.

That day-glo lace has to be a leftover from Laurel's dress. Otherwise, how else could there be so much flourescent lace in the world?

Laurel, on the other hand, is keeping it toned down this week in muted, earthy florals.

Very Laurel House on the Prairie, in the key of Swift. 

Their mother, bless her well-meaning and slightly gullible heart, is wasting her golden opportunity to exact revenge on Ted by finding a new dude. Or at least make Ted jealous by dressing up in something flattering and heading to the club. What does she wear instead? A grey sack of sad, that's what. 

Maybe, just maybe, if she had worn a bright, bold belt with it and paired it with some great heels, this dress would fly. But a drawstring waist? And I bet she's wearing sensible shoes right now. Not even a frigging kitten heel. 

Let's show her to do this, shall we other ladies and teens of Arroyo? 

We'll start with Our Lady of Revenge (!!!). She does fancy married lady so well. 

See? She's wearing grey, but doesn't look like a plate of sadness. This is probably because it fits her.

It's not that we're opposed to grey, just to how Kristen wears it. Check Mads and her hairful of secrets:

The tank is again fitted and flattering. Probably even practical, considering it's the desert. And unlike Mads' usual style of accessorizing, she's keeping it simple and pairing it with a great bag.

Behind her, to take a moment away from Kristen's lesson in how to do grey, is a questionable moment in dude style.

What? Is it laundry day? Coral shorts with a casual Friday button up with epaulets? Are you kidding me? Do you not have your own magical closet Jordan? 

Ohhhhh....I get it. You're here to provide us with the gratuitous male shirtlessness. Fair enough. We understand why Mads is hiding her hot for sort-of-step-bro feelings in that hair of hers. 

But that brings me back to how this girl wears her grey. 

Same grey, but this time with a pop of colour in the skirt. This is what I was trying to tell Kristen earlier - the colour jazzes up the grey big time. While the costume department loves the chartreuse yellow, Mads actually pulls it off (Kristen should maybe do a red or a deep coral with her grey). 

Sadly, our style advice is too late for Kristen. Because this is how she followed up her earlier grey dress with this number.

Oh sigh. Honey, you're lucky Ted is willing to fight for you, because you're certainly not trying very hard.

It's like you're taking lessons from Thayer.

Yeah, that's Thayer behind Emma, not the wall. I'm with Amanda on this. His move back to LA (funded by...? Alec?) was awesome since Arroyo is no place for his brand of earnestness. Mostly because it's all kinds of boring. 

Away from the grey and our fashion advice to poor Kristen are the better dressed and schemier members of the show. 

Alec somehow managed to take his casual golf wear to a creepy, passive agressive new level as he and Rebecca openly joked about killing each other over what I can only guess is a nice glass of Chianti.  

If Silence of the Lambs taught me nothing else, I do know for sure the creepy and devious like Chianti. When not threatening his revengey (!!!) new bride, he's surprising her with a honeymoon to the Cabin of Bad Decisions. Frankly, a awful decision on his part since Rebecca doesn't really do cabin in the woods.

The floral sheath is magnificient on her - they're finally dressing her the way she deserves to be dressed - and holy what the what! Check out those heels! She was not expecting to be on soft ground. Which is probably why she decided to spend the rest of her honeymoon day drinking and wondering if her husband brought her up there to kill her.

The soft flowy, patterned tank is pretty much the perfect choice for such an occasion. 

Sutton, now free to plunder the depths of her magical closet surprises me with her choice in dresses for family therapy.

Don't get me wrong, it's tasteful floral sundress totes cute and I love the long chain on the key necklace. But where are the sequins? Where is the aforementioned daytime glamour? The only hint of it is in that giant ass cocktail ring (which I want a close up of. I base my love for it on its sheer planetary size).

If it weren't for the afternoon events of presenting Ted with some kind of award we don't care about, well, we'd go all episode without any glitz. Because look at adorable Laurel.

I want to see more of those darling polka dots we saw her wearing earlier at family therapy, but presenting an award is your chance to break out a new dress. Or at least a fancier one.

Even Kristen, yes Kristen, managed to dress herself up for the event.

I mean, holy crap! Colour that suits her and a dress that flatters her? Well done, Kristen.

And, despite my confusion earlier, Sutton did hit the daytime glam for at least this occasion.

The green with the black lace is straight up awesome. I love that she toned down the accessories to only a bracelet, a clutch, and some real talk about her feelings about Kristen in her speech. I may not like the idea of her and Ethan macking on each other, but she deserved some kiss action from him as a reward for that outfit. 

More Alexander McQueen...

Hangovers from poor choices/sleeping in bus stations call for more tank tops. Emma wins the award for Most Tank Tops in a Single Episode (to be handed out at the Teen Choice Awards).

Weather appropriate, I know. But you think Sutton could have loaned her a few of her old outfits? Apparently not. Unfortunate green screen aside, this isn't Emma's best casual look ever.

I much prefer what she wore after chilling at the bus station. 

The spaghetti straps and the bit of detail at the neckline just make it that much more interesting. 

I assume Mads has the bad decision hangover after fooling around with the not-quite-step-bro (he's more like a Clueless/Josh style step-bro: removed enough that it isn't creepy anymore), because she's gone super casual in the tank top department (and what you can't see here - grey sweatpants).

As for Laurel's (chartruese again!) tank, it's a much more appropriate choice if one is leaving the house for the day. Although, she may be the only person who didn't do anything questionable this week. Instead, she just dumped Jordan's ass and probably started to write a kick ass jam about it. Wait until she writes her next song. 

It'll probably be called, "you won't parent trap me again." 

And any earlier progress made on dressing Charisma Carpenter like the sexy bitch she is, well, went down the tubes with this tank top.

Skinnies and giant sunnies: yes. The bag: on board. The shapeless yellow top: I'm sorry, no. 

Sutton's ready for her triumphant return to her Magical Closet, so she challenges Emma to a game of tennis for the right to return to the Mercer home. Emma's got the lead on Sutton until Mads shows up begging Emma to help Thayer, who is about to book it out of town after Alec is released from prison. Ethan's got morning-after regret plus a bad case of being caught plagarizing. The latter is solved by a late night study session with Emma, the former is currently untreatable. And, in the most heartbreaking of plotlines, Laurel's crushing hard on Jordan, but Jordan's still after Mads - and Mads can't resist the Bad Boy du Jour.

Emma kicks off the episode canoodling with Thayer and doing all of us at YKYLF a solid by showing off her killer heels.

Brave girl, drinking coffee while wearing all white. I love the shoes, but they seem a little bit much for the boho-hippie look of the crocheted dress. I feel like this needs espadrilles, not 5" heels. But Emma's never been one to shy away from the giant chunky heel, and given that she's going to be locked in the cabin for the forseeable future, she's got to get her daytime glamour kicks in now.

More Alexis Bittar...

Particularly since Emma's not one to bother with late night study session glamour - not that she needs to, since she's got "warm night in the desert casual" down.

This is an episode full of shorts, worn with varying degrees of success. Emma's getting an A for these day-glo shorts (with matching hair tie). I love when Emma dresses her age, mostly because she does it so well.

You've got to give the girl credit for accessorizing even when she's just going to sit on a futon outside Ethan's trailer. Check out the Mads-sized earrings and simple (but sizeable) pendant necklace.

Both the pieces are big and should be too much when combined, but since they're all so delicate, everything flows together.

Emma shows off the spoils from her last trip to the Magical Ring Closet.

ABCFamily didn't put up near as many promotional pictures for this episode, but I'd forgive them for it if they started just putting up pictures of the accessories. This ring holds promise, and I bet a clearer shot of it would leave me stomping my feet and yelling "I want it now" like an overgrown Veruca Salt.

Which is pretty much what I imagine Sutton was like as a child. Let's head to the Cabin of Poor Decisions, shall we?

I am amazed that Hair and Makeup managed to give her perfect curls with bedhead on top. Just in case you thought that maybe Sutton had hopped out of bed and refreshed her curls from the night prior before waking up, like Kristen Wiig at the beginning of "Bridesmaids." Nope. This is just how Sutton Mercer wakes up in the morning after a night of passion with Ethan.

It's not surprising that Sutton wants her life back. She's clearly going through Magic Closet Withdrawal Syndrome, as evidenced by her wearing denim shorts two weeks in a row.

Sutton gets a C for these, graded on a curve. I have to dock her for the fact that they're denim shorts, but by the same token, she's wearing them with a peplum top. A very familiar peplum top.

Looks like someone's been digging through Mom's Decidedly Less Magical Closet.

I'm sorry, but how can anyone see Sutton and not immediately say, "So, Rebecca's your mom, right? And you're both super crazy."

Sutton's even got her own version of the heart locket.

I'm honestly a little surprised to see something this giant and gaudy in Sutton's wardrobe. It feels like something Char (pour one on the ground) would have given her for Sutton's 13th birthday, and Sutton would kind of sneer and ask if Claire's takes returns.

For the tennis match, Sutton and Emma put their wildly different styles on display. Sutton, during her brief visit to the Magical Closet, managed to snag a crisp all-white number. Emma, on the other hand, grabbed whatever was lying in her gym bag from last week.

C'mon, Emma. When you're facing down your sister for the right to play tennis at Regionals, you have to step up your game a little. When you don't try, it's like you just don't appreciate the glorious altar to fashion that is Sutton's closet.

To reclaim her closet, Sutton rolls in wearing the evil twin version of Emma's white dress.

Part of why I love this show: it's not unreasonable to describe things with "evil twin version." Because it's not hyperbole, it's just a statement of fact.

Another accessory misstep by Sutton, with this weird bead cluster bracelet thing.

Style must be hereditary, because Sutton certainly didn't learn how to dress herself from Kristen.

Kristen's very flustered that the sink is clogged! She was just on her way to the weekly Chambray Club meeting, and she doesn't have time to fix it! It's her turn to bring the refreshments!

I suggested this back in episode four, but now that Lily Rhodes van der Woodsen Mueller Bass Humphrey Bass van der Woodsen is free, can we repurpose her for a What Not to Wear-style makeover for TV moms? And can I nominate Kristen as our first candidate?

I can even hear the opening narration. "This Phoneix mom's wardrobe is shapeless and blah. Can Lily take Kristen's wardrobe from frump to fab? Find out on What Not to Wear: Gin in Tea Edition."

All I'm saying is, the woman needs help. Her hunky (albeit scuzzy, lying) husband is fixing the sink, and this is the best she can do:

Come on, Kristen. Where are those yogilates legs? Why are you not rocking the "I'm about to be single and going to date every one of your divorced friends from the country club" look?

Again: style must be hereditary, because here's how much dress Laurel is wearing to school today.

I love her, but that's a lot of peasant dress and it's not 1997. However, she can totally interview me with a hairbrush about her bad dating decisions, because she is adorable and is my imaginary best friend.

And as my imaginary best friend, I will say this to her: it is very, very rare that anyone can wear a peasant sundress without a bra.

Do not try. Sorry. It's not you, it's the wildly unflattering Earth mother cut.

For her big date, Laurel finds just the right mix of youth and sexiness. I am crazy about this top and need it in my not-so-magical closet ASAP.

And she's wearing a navy purse, for which I am very grateful because I never, ever know what purse to carry with my blue tops and dresses. Thanks for solving my style problem, imaginary best friend!

It's very strange, as a fashion recapper, to watch a show set in a desert. I'm so used to characters (*coughSERENAcough*) not dressing for what is very clearly cold weather. Now, with all these characters wearing shorts and light tops, I immediately think "Wow, it must be a hell of a heat wave" before remembering, duh, Phoneix. Anyway. Laurel's flowy top is perfect for a lazy day at home.

And I love that she's wearing what appears to be a repeat of the tank that Ann loved from Unholy Matrimony. It's practically a "Stars! They're Just Like US!" moment.

Mads gets fewer costume changes than Kristen this week, which is a shame because it means she spends most of the episode in this fringe-hemmed dress.

And yes, that is Mads awkwardly fidgeting with her fringe while talking to the stepbrother she hooked up with. I forgive her for the fringe in this case, because I never know what to do with my hands in that situation.

Sidebar: Mads's hair is even more amazing than usual this week, with randomly curled strands that give her total princess hair.

Kristen, this is how hard Mads tries for Precalc. Can't you put in a little more effort than "haphazard bun?"

Mads shows us how to do layered tanks right (Rebecca will show us the "Miss" counterpart to Mads's "Hit").

Our wee little lollipop is so great at the casual edginess. The drapey tank combo does that sexy-casual thing so well, and as always, Mads toughens the look up with some chunky jewelry in the form of Native American-inspired necklaces and a huge (or maybe just huge on said wee little lollipop?) cuff. 

Hey Mads, can I borrow your purse?

It's all kinds of amazing, and you're clearly not storing near enough in there. I need a new laptop bag and this would be just perfect. If you want me to have it, just make out with your stepbrother in plain sight of your friend, okay?

Awesome, thanks! You're the best!

I'd feel bad for Laurel, but I have a feeling she's going to turn this into some great new LSwift material.

Rebecca spends most of her time wearing this layered top that may or may not be exercise gear.

I really don't know. The seaming makes me think Lulu Lemon, and the amount of time she spends in it makes me think "laundry day." I don't get it, when you hire Charisma Carpenter to play the femme fatale crazy lady, how do you dress her like this?

A slight improvement when Rebecca tries to have a moment with Ted, only to be rebuffed by his sociopathic powers of denial.

I love this dress on her and wish we'd seen more of it. The pink's a great color on her, and the gold accessories are understated but so flattering. More bright colors for Rebecca, please!

Thayer's skipping town, and I have to say, I'm not sorry to see him go. He was always the boring earnest one. When he's not in an episode, I forget he exists. Sometimes when he's in an episode, I forget he exists.

In this scene where he finds out Emma tutored Ethan, I was all, "Wait, why is the wall talking? What is that bowl of oatmeal saying?" because he is so terribly boring and also completely blends in with the background.

I appreciate that Ethan compensates for Thayer's blandness by taking us on a trip to the gratuitous male gun show.

I feel like this should be above May in a "Men of ABC Family" calendar.

It's a good thing Kristen's daughters don't tell her anything significant about their lives, or the next meeting of the Chambray Club would be super awkward.

Can't you see Kristen staring daggers at Jordan from across the multipurpose room of the local community center for taking out Laurel then making out with Mads? And Jordan would finally be like, "Do you have something to say to me?" and Kristen would be all, "You're a disgrace to chambray." And then Jordan would be like -

Wait, who's that lurking in the curtains like the abusive ex-husband in a Lifetime Movie of the Week?

Hey Alec, welcome home! Glad you're free and totally not planning on killing Rebecca to get revenge (!!!) on her for setting you up. Right? Because you can't kill her off. She's the closest thing I have to Georgina Sparks now that Gossip Girl is off the air.

I mean, look at this scheming face. You can't kill a scheming face like this one.

No, like, you literally cannot. I'm pretty sure that, unless you decapitate her, Rebecca will come back, Bart Bass-style. She's unstoppable.

So new kid Jordan is actually Rebecca's son (stepson, that is), making him Mads' sorta brother. Ew. Our wee little lollipop is not having such a great day - Alec convinces her of his innocence and she turns on Emma and Thayer, who, btw, is actually not Alec's biological father. Speaking of biological parents, Rebecca has officially gone off the rails and is scheming to seduce Ted. Again, ew. Luckily, Ted and Kristin make some headway at counselling, only Ted tells a little (big) lie.  And Ted's not the only cheater around... Ethan hands in a plagiarized paper and Emma lies to save him. But she's definitely not in love with him still. Nope, Emma's likes Thayer who used to like Sutton who is totally in love with Ethan who still loves Emma. And because we're not confused enough yet, Jessica Whitman claims a man told her to plant the tire iron in Alec's golf bag... only is this some big plot of Alec's to fool the police?

So all the neon sundresses in this show is seriously depressing when I'm wearing three sweaters, leggings, and sweatpants just to stay warm. Luckily, Mads breaks the pattern in all black and silver jewellery. Especially loving the silver filigree earrings.

Mads h-t, channeling her inner Lindsay Lohan in huge shades and the aforementioned of silver jewellery. I only wish I looked this put together hungover (I usually go the pyjamas route).

Yes, I do love Mads' look, even if she does look a tad out of place in a school where girls dress like so:

The highlighter yellow lace, pepto bismol pink and bright blue could only work together so effortlessly on Laurel. And her accessories, like always, are spot on. Love the citrine.

More Diane von Furstenberg...

Also, homegirl's been spending some time on Pinterest. Check out her ponytail:

And yes, that's Jordan. We'd prefer him shirtless (duh), but he's also preferable to Ethan. Pink shirts and purple pants (not together, obvi) are a rare sight around here.

We usually see something along the lines of this...

I must say, though, that Emma is definitely rocking a great bronze-y necklace and crystal earrings. The (frankly boring) yellow dress only serves to further offset her amazing tan. Which I am totally jealous of, having already gone through two bottles of self-tanner this winter. Somebody get me to a beach, stat.

Her tan's probably a result of her frequent runs. I wish I had her dedication. Alas my runs are usually motivated by cute workout clothes or, um, that danish I had for breakfast. 

Still lovin' the neon...

And Sutton fits right in, huge shades and all.

(P.S. that must be a body-double in that scene, right? If so, they have seriously amazing casting directors, no?)

Speaking of Sutton, she's decided to borrow more than Rebecca's sunnies...

That leopard print top? Those cutoffs? The fedora? This just spells washed-up country singer/actress to me.

ABCFamily clearly has a Magical Ring Closet of its own. Scratch that, they probably have a Magical Accessories Closet. I mean, Sutton has a leopard ring.

And Sutton clearly needs her own Magic Closet back, because she's wearing swimsuits I wore when I was thirteen...

I am Sutton, hear me roar! 

No, seriously, the ruffles? Pink and orange? I bet she doesn't even have a hanger for this.

Meanwhile, Emma clearly needs a lesson on how to use Sutton's Magical Closet. She also needs to learn how to check the weather on her phone. Anyone else catch the Marilyn moment a few seconds before this?

Meh dress, fab shoes. Sometimes I wish I'd gone to a school in TV-land, where heels are totally acceptable in high school. It would've just gotten me in detention at my school.

Things that also would've gotten me detention: sheer button-ups with hot pink bras and cutoffs. 

You know Sutton's desperate for clothes when she's wearing jeans. 

Speaking of desperate...

If I didn't know better, I would've though Rebecca was just an overdressed high schooler at the party.

This would've been much more appropriate for chaperoning your teenage stepson's party:

Or even this:

Then again, appropriate isn't really this show's forte. Mads visits her father in this Free People Medallion Slip:

A good rule of thumb is, if you can wear a dress to a party after, its probably not fitting to wear it to jail. Just sayin'.

Totally gratutitious shot of Mads' amazeballs snakeskin platforms. (sidenote: before this episode, I didn't think anyone actually said "amazeballs" in real life. Just me?) Also, who just lies down in the middle of a hallway like this? Could Mads not find a couch?

Taylor Laurel shows up to said party with a tiered cream skirt, guitar in hand. She also rocks some really great cowboy boots. LSwift, anyone?

BTW, anyone remember that experiment with string and salt water? Where you could grow your own crystals? Tay Laurel's necklace may look like an elementary school experiment, but it just works.

Post-show, either Laurel and Emma spent some quality sister time together doing each others' hair, or Emma is also on Pinterest! Lovin' the side braid ponytail hybrid.

The dress? Not so much. Boring floral, as per usual. This time it's a Parker petal dress.

At the end of the day, this show answers one question and gives us five. Who killed Derek/framed Alec? Will Emma ever learn to wield the power of Sutton's Magical Closet? Will Sutton ever get her closet back? Will Alec ever get out of jail? Will Ted and Kristin get back together or will this secret be the last straw? And of course, the most important question of all:

Why is Mads' hair so big? Does she have the answers to our questions in there? Or is it a bump-it?

Can't wait for next week!

It's been so long since last we saw the twins. We've done a flash forward to Alec's bail hearing, where the gang is (understandably) worried about what will happen if he gets out and Emma is (somewhat understandably) awkward around Ethan, while Rebecca pretends to give a shit about someone other than herself. Her scheme with Sutton is slowly unfurling - she just wants her family back together! Awwww! Except! Ted still wants to be with Kristin, Sutton doesn't want a sister, Rebecca has a son she forgot to mention, and Alec totally knows there are twins! So many secrets.

Before we recap their outfits, let us take a moment to pour one on the ground for our fallen gang member, Char. May she be happy and dressed like a young politician's wife wherever she may be. We'll never forget her. 

Now, on to the fantastic outfits!

When this gang hits the courthouse steps, it should come as no surprise they do it with mad steez.

The best was the monochromatic Bobbsey Twins, Mads and Thayer. 

More Marc by Marc Jacobs...

Mads' giant hair has her looking more like a wee lollipop than ever before, but the striped dress is a ballsy choice for a court hearing. (Prisons ought to bring back the stripe. It's so en vogue). Yet it's also amazing, what with the stripes going in different directions and the bow in the back. It's a little grown up, but for girls who are usually into daytime glamour, this is pretty girly.

Thayer keeps it classy business casual with subtle check in his jacket and a simple black shirt, unbuttoned just so. Just what any respectable young man would wear when he's hoping to God his father won't be released from jail.

Emma (you know it's Emma because she goes for a flatter hair do) brings it in a bright blue sundress to shake up all the monchrome.

With her Birkin-ish orange bag to complement the colour, she looks like she's headed to lunch, not to confront the man who may hold all the answers about her birth mother. She's also one of the few not in stripes at some point this week. It's her way of breaking all the rules. 

Sister Laurel is on the fast track to Taylor Swiftiness. Early-Swiftiness of course, not all glammed up Swifty, as you can see from her choice of an earth toned floral sundress and long necklace.

Evil sister Sutton (you know it's Sutton because the hair is way bigger and therefore full of evil and secrets) decides to hide out in a courtroom bathroom stall.

The strips on these Jessica Simpson platform shoes aren't the only trend - they're all wearing the plats this week (sadly, I wasn't able to get screenshots of them all). I thought maybe Sutton was a little overdressed for a public washroom when I saw this:

But then I rememberd she is usually overdressed when she meets her twin in public washrooms. And then I was completely surprised by the rest of the outfit:

With those heels and those shorts, she is a floppy hat away from having an outfit worthy of 12 year old Jodie Foster. Unexpected from a girl who likes her sequins before lunch. It's no wonder she's pissed that Emma has her life and her closet (although, can someone remind Sutton it was her idea to pull the Parent Trap routine in the first place?). 

Back in the courtroom, we learn that his stint in jail hasn't made Alec any less creepy.

That might be a mature and responsible burgundy tie, but I'd deny bail to the dude who creepily winks at teenage girls. Well done, judge. Well done. Behind those winks, he's got some kind of secret worth defending, because he's convinced Dan's girlfriend Theresa to represent him.

I hope Alec pays well so she can stop dressing like a lady detective on a TV show. 

While her husband is being creepy, Rebecca is doing her best to be a respectfully distraught wife. She takes a cue from Mads and Thayer and goes for a neutral sheath as well.

Being Rebecca, she can't help herself and has to punch it up with an oxblood clutch. This is why we respect and admire her underhanded ways.

Even when scheming in Char's (pour one on the ground) pool with one half of her daughters, she needs colour in her life. Is this Missoni-esque bikini what a mourning TV wife wears? Why no, no it is not. Methinks she really doesn't give a fig for that husband of hers.

BTdubs, it's not Missoni - it's by Vitamin A. Way to Get the Look For Less, Rebecca!

Sidebar: I wonder if Sutton's sad that she won't be able to put her bathing suit on a hanger when she's done at the pool? Love the color, hung up or no.

Yes, life is pretty hard for Sutton these days. She has to get her nails did by her birth moms, not by a professional! The horrors!

At least her striped top is cute. And it's the only practical part of her "Imma seduce you during a bike ride" outfit.

Maybe if she had put on some boots with the leggings it would have been practical. But python print platforms have no practical purpose in life. They exist only because you want cute shoes. However, if she hadn't worn those, then she would never have pretended to sprain her ankle and then this would never have happened.

Sutton, you crazy bitch, you. While I'll be mad if Ethan chooses you, I respect you for having a nice robe and floral negligee while hanging out in the Cabin of Secrets. I can only assume there is a satellite magic closet up in the mountains to provide you with such wardrobe changes. 

On the wrong side of the tracks, white undershirts are the name of the game.

This gave the staff room sads because we wanted some Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness and Ethan is often good for that. We'll take what we can get. He's still hot in plaid. His brother however?

Dan, get it together. I'm still clinging to my teenage crush on Nikolas Cassadine on GH and your schlubby cop look is causing me to do this:

For reals Ethan, I feel you. 

Before we head to the fancy party of the week (their society parties are so much less fancy than the Gossip Girl soirees we're used to), can we take a moment to talk about how boring Kristin is? 

The girls are all, "why you so dressed up, mom?" And I'm all, "grey jacket and a dull cream coloured ruffled blouse? Okay Carol." Yes. That's how bored I was by her outfit - I forgot her name! I even originally named that screenshot file "Carol1.jpg". Lady, you need to get it together.

And this chartreuse pashmina isn't cutting it.

It's like the concept of colour evades her. Either she avoids it completely or she chooses the least flattering hue. Ted's trying at least. I like the blue polo mixed with the white jacket. Very sharp.

Our other party goers pick two very different styles of dress. Emma goes for simple, soft florals with a navy straw tote.

Pefect for an evening picnic and concert on a golf course. Her date-who-isn't-a-date went for checks and accessorized with the sads.

Who wants to place bets on him having secrets of his own that are going to ruin any future happiness with Emma? Any takers? 

On the other hand, I'm quite confused by the neckline on Mads. What is this? What's happening here?

I'm not sure the fabric knows either. Apparently it's a dress.

Or something covering a skirt and top? I don't know. If I knew what was happening, I could form a proper opinion of it. 

On stage and Swiftier than usual, Laurel wears a striped mullet sundress. 

Her singing is pretty and so is the pattern, but the mullet just ruins it all. 

Across the golf course and looking like she's up to no good (and like she maybe has a portable wind machine, which is necessary when you're scheming), Rebecca wears the most questionable peplum.

The colour is great. Nothing says, "I'm the hussy out to ruin your marriage" like a little red cocktail dress at a casual family concert. However, that peplum is doing her otherwise great figure no favours. 

Also up to no good, although she claims she is, is Sutton on her quest to win back Ethan.

I don't trust her and neither does ABC Family, if their hashtags are any indicator.

#noshitsherlock

But if I thougth Mads' dress was confusing, well, that chiffony, layered number of Sutton's stumped me good. Are there shorts or a skirt under there? Should there be? And why does it have a racerback?

The outfits and the secrets have me asking so many questions. Like, why does Sutton hate her sister? And what does Alec know? And why would Sutton pair a quilted beige bag with this outfit?

And why won't anyone even mention that they're living in poor Char's (pour one on the ground) house? Or how is it that Rebecca failed to mention she had a secret son that's almost exactly the same age as her twins? 

Secret triplets?!? 

I'm so glad the twins didn't accidentally make out with him. And I'm so glad this show is back.