Sex and the City: The Turtle and The Hare

Neither the tortoise nor the hare are winners in this episode. The girls attend the wedding of someone who has "settled" for a mate, and are thus in a tizzy, making bad decisions left and right. You know, as opposed to every other episode. Miranda and Charlotte swear off men in exchange for the Rabbit, Samantha dates New York legend (The Turtle), and Carrie tells Big she wants to get married someday. We hope she's cool waiting for about nine more years.

Weddings always serve to be great people watching, and this Upper East Side affair is no different. Bride Brooke exhibits 90s perfection in an overly puffy gown and a enormous veil. All she needs to be fully entrenched in retro bridedom is bedazzled sleeves and a skirt pick up... oh wait, nevermind. 

After analyzing the bride, the most fun of a wedding is checking out the other guests! These nuptials are filled with "boring investment bankers and the women who love to hate them." Obviously these ladies show their investment banking distaste by wearing boring pastels, shoulder pads, and puffy hair. 

This girl must really hate investment bankers because she has the puffiest hair and the worst dress of all. A square neckline and shoulder pads? And in white... at a wedding?! Tisk tisk. 

Amid this sea of colorless conservative cocktail attire, we have trainwreck island. Clad in tight black dresses and nary a puffy sleeve in sight, these chicas are hitting the bar (and the hairspray bottle) hard. Carrie said that they look like the "Witches of Eastwick." I think they look more like Fly Girls from In Living Color. Potato, pah-tato. 

For those of you on Cosmo Watch, please note the appearance of the iconic pink martini during the wedding cocktail hour. I almost missed the girly drink because I was so caught up in Charlotte, in the first of many fashion mistakes in this episode. What is with that completely odd hair style? 

Whatever it is, it might look worse from this angle. 

Carrie and Miranda won't even make eye contact with it.

Every good wedding has a fabulous singles table, but unfortunately for the girls, they got put at the not-so-fabulous singles table. Perhaps being seated here is punishment for not wearing pastels? It appears gold chains were also an intolerable transgression. 

But I will say that Samantha looks amazing in her sexy black cocktail dress. I'm even on board with the feathery banana clip/ fascinator.

Enter Bernie Turtletaub, a Wall Streeter with bad breath, bad game, and a purple tie. He's smitten with  Samantha, who is suddenly very interested in her cosmo.

Alas, all good weddings come to an end. On the way out, Brooke whispers into Carrie's ear that "It's better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them." I'd be careful taking advice from someone with fluffy bangs.

But of course, this got Carrie thinking. And when she thinks, she thinks Big. 

Interesting. I never noticed they had the same colored walls and floors. Is this a sign? Or just lazy set dressing?

Matching bedrooms aside, B&C do not appear to have matching matrimonial plans. Carrie ran straight to her girlfriends to talk about her Big problem. Could she stay with him if she ultimately envisions tying the knot? Samantha explained playground politics (act like you don't like the boy and then he'll like you more), while Charlotte waxed poetic about relationships being built on trust. 

I'm inclined to agree with Charlotte, although I do not agree with her choice of footwear. Charlotte, I love you, but you can't wear those shoes. This is not Working Girl and you are not Melanie Griffith. Please find some sensible flats for your business casual ensemble. 

But Miranda had something more important to say: men are almost obsolete. All you need is a Rabbit. As in, the vibrator. Charlotte was obviously intrigued but embarrassed. Either that or she realized that her shoes looked dumb. 

After dinner, the girls went to search for their own little bunny. Carrie, looking adorable and innocent in this white cardigan, had total sticker shock in the sex shop. The Rabbit cost $92! 

Back at the Briar Patch, Carrie she traded the cardi for a simple men's tank while she figured out how to use her new furry friend. Judging by her confused countenance, I'm guessing that the instruction manual was in Japanese. Oysuminasai Rabbit! 

Fortunately, Samantha called to talk about her night. 

Usually when I talk to girlfriends, I like to stay dressed. I guess I'm just a prude. Evidently, Samantha felt this story required a plunging bra and matching undies. Sometimes a burnt orange silk robe is too restrictive. 

Ms Jones' sexiness must have been oozing through the phone - Carrie needed a cigarette and unflattering pajama pants to neutralize the air.

But back to Sam's tale du jour. She and her fabulous jewel tone silk top went on a date with a fellow wedding guest. In the first five minutes of the night, he said  "I'm the kind of guy… I see something. I like it. I go after it." So, this means he likes red button down shirts from Express with exposed undershirts? Yikes. 

Several cosmos later, Samantha discovered her lame-o date kissing another girl. I'm just glad that she got away from the bartender. A black shirt and white tie? Seriously? 

Oh wait. It's still the 90s, isn't it?

Anyway, Samantha was sneaking out of the restaurant when she buzzed right past The Turtle. He jumped up and invited her to join him for dinner. 

She was not amused by his plaid shirt or his breath. But he was very sweet. "He's a cute little fixer upper!" Samantha told Carrie. "Sweetheart, he is a man, not a brownstone."  Is it time to settle for what you can get? 

The next day, Carrie met up with Brooke, fresh from her honeymoon. I was hoping she'd get her bouncy bangs under control after the wedding but alas, she seems more focused on returning gifts than on hair maintenance. Brooke told Carrie that she happily settled for her husband and feels like a giant weight was lifted from her shoulders. If she could tame her ridiculous bangs I bet she would feel even more carefree. 

At first glance, Carrie's ensemble seems perfect for a weekend shopping expedition. Such a cute plaid cape-like coat, but upon further reflection (and a longer shot), we saw that Carrie took a page from Charlotte's playbook. She is wearing tennis shoes… like actual athletic shoes that you would wear to the gym. Baaaaaad. 

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps Charlotte and Carrie were wearing said tennis shoes in anticipation of a little physical fitness later in the day. Both ladies look very current and modern in their yoga attire.

"I think that I broke my vagina." And there goes the zen moment. Thanks Char. Maybe you should put the Rabbit away? I'm guessing it's not just the pink top that's giving you a healthy glow.

Since Charlotte opted for the bunny instead of the ballet, Carrie decided to invite her other bestie as her date. Carrie is totally channeling Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face with her cute hair, royal blue coat, and chic black outfit. And Stanford! Don't get me started on the fabulous floral button down. Love!

Here's a close up of Carrie's cute hair. Adorbs.

Oh, but Stanny is a little depressed. It seems that he placed a personal ad in hopes of meeting a boyfriend...

...and was summarily rejected by a bad man sporting a leather jacket and hoodie. Based on that look alone, I can safely say that you're too good for him, Stanford!

Nevertheless, he considers throwing in the dating towel and just marrying a woman so he can get his rather hefty inheritance. Who knew that matrimony came with a cash prize? Stanford suggests that he and Carrie get married. He promises to buy her expensive shoes and let her cheat on him. Huh. Not a bad deal.

After Charlotte canceled plans again, the future Mrs. Blatch and Miranda staged a bunnitervention. They mean business in their matching black coats. 

Sigh. Charlotte hid her Rabbit behind a stuffed rabbit. Oh Char, leave the stuffed animals out of it! At least she's looking lovely in her silver sage silk robe. So perfect with her coloring.

The next day, Carrie and Stanford went to meet Stanny's grandmother. Clad in an original Chanel suit, she discussed her family and love for her grandson. 

Seeing the family pictures on the mantle made Carrie day dream about having children of her own. What a sweet baby. But more importantly, can we talk about the pink Chanel suit? Yes please!

Meanwhile, Samantha and the Turtle were out to dinner. He is very focused on his mushrooms and she is very focused on how annoying he is when he is talking about his mushrooms. She wants to date him, but she just can't, even if he's in Helmut Lang.

Sam is such a heartbreaker in her metallic bronze halter and warm lipstick color. Both pair perfectly with Samantha's honey blonde hair.

Speaking of honey, Carrie decides to tell hers that she wants to get married someday. She says that she can't date someone who won't tie the knot. 

The wise Big tells Carrie that it is all in the timing (both making tomato sauce and dating). She decides to live in the moment.

Hey, at least he's not in a button-down from Express. There's no need to settle for that.

Sex and the City: Three's a Crowd

Dim sum, Charlie's Angels costumes and the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. Really these are the only times when a threesome is considered okay. All four girls learn this the hard way when they are either intentionally or unintentionally thrust into them. Charlotte begins dating Jack who pops the threesome question while Carrie is rocked by the news that Big was married once to a beautiful publisher. Samantha has an affair with a married man whose wife gets involved and Miranda loses her confidence when the girls don't pick her for a hypothetical threesome. Yowza. Who knew adding an extra person can cause this much drama?

The episode begins with our favorite WASP, Charlotte York, who meets her new boyfriend, Jack, at a charity function. Charlotte looks perfectly lovely in a cream-colored sheath dress, simple accessories and of course, a glass of the bubbly.

It's a classic love story. As in:

"Hey, I just met you..."

"... And this is crazy..."

"...But do you want to have a threesome with me?"

 Errr...

The next day, Charlotte relays the good (??) news to the crew in a high v-neck top and a collarless leather jacket.

Eh.

Meh.

Bleh.

Well. At least she's not Miranda.

I don't want to offend or anything, but I'm not on board with the sentiment that redheads are always safe in green. Especially bright green track jackets and mint green tops while eating green cucumbers. It's not working for me.

Blondie Samantha, on the other hand, seems to always be able to pull off colors that match her hair color.

I love that Carrie, even with sweatpants, a simple blue muscle tee and greasy fingers, still looks the cutest out of the whole group.

Also, she does a pretty convincing job of looking like she actually ate those french fries. 'Cause Real Talk: she did not actually eat those french fries.

Charlotte goes out with Jack in the perfect '90s Teen Movie Prom Dress.

But I'm so distracted by her... cornrows?! Isn't this what white girls do when they visit Cancun?

Also, that necklace is one link away from being a tattoo choker necklace. Every single one of those necklaces better have been destroyed in the last decade.

Meanwhile, Miranda feels left out by her BFF threesome (Carrie, Charlotte, Sam) and decides to make herself even more left out by dressing like a pimp from the 80s.

Even her WTF face cannot distract from this WTF Outfit.

Charlotte discusses with Carrie about the possibility of her taking the threesome plunge in a very Upper East Side Soccer Mom pink suit jacket.

I actually think Charlotte looks adorbz in this outfit. Yeah, it's pretty classic Charlotte aka boring, safe and too-old-for-her. But she looks super super pretty in pink.

Carrie looks great as well alongside Charlotte in a barely opaque lace top, an oversized blue coat and denim capris. Not a big fan of capris but Carrie sure pulls it off with peep-toe heels and her "I-just-woke-up-from-the-best-sex-of-my-life" curls.

Carrie tells the girls that Big has not only been married once before but has also had a threesome with his ex. Oh. Thanks, bro. No big deal or anything.

Samantha looks great in her purple blazer and gold accents but I mean, I feel like she's worn a rendition of this same outfit multiple times before.

Speaking of wearing a rendition of the same outfit multiple times before, Carrie recycles her blue muscle tee but spices it up by pulling her hair back in a pony. "Spices it up" as in, makes it only SLIGHTLY different.

Well, at least Miranda's wearing something new. And she actually sorta kinda looks like a woman.

Maybe it's the lipstick. Or the accessories. Or her "come-and-get-me" face. Now, don't get me wrong, I still think her outfit is hideous. But at least she looks hideously feminine. Does that count???

Samantha runs into the married guy she's sleeping with and his wife (ugh, I hate when that happens!) and looks pretty "c'est la vie!" in her retro shades and boxy coat.

I can't believe it but I somehow LOVE this.  Even with the gross metallic sheen on her coat.

Back to redheads who can't wear certain colors...

Note to readers: when running into the woman who is sleeping with your husband, don't ever wear this outfit.

Carrie decides to investigate Big's ex in this amazing pink wool coat. These are one of those sexy "Meet Me in the Coat Check Room in Five Minutes" coats that looks like you're wearing absolutely nothing underneath. Perfect Ex Investigation outfit.

Sure, she might not actually be naked underneath but her outfit is pure perfection. Nude boat-neck, black knee-high skirt, white socks, mary janes and a massive quilted clutch. Reminds me of what PLL's Spencer Hastings would wear in 10 years.

Unfortunately, Carrie's worst nightmare comes true. Big's ex is not only beautiful, friendly and successful, she's Carrie's biggest fan. And I might even be HER biggest fan. Because even with a meh blue suit, she still looks absolutely gorg.

Bitch.

Unfortunately not anyone can pull off men-inspired outfits:

Are Miranda's outfits even worth discussing anymore? #canteven

Carrie meets up with Barb once again but trades her mary janes in for a blue suit that looks eerily familiar to a certain boyfriend's ex's.

Also, Carrie, your hair! Why... but... sex... hair... love... don't... change...

Even Barbara agrees, in her forest green blazer and bronze blouse. Man, she can pull off green. And bronze lipstick. This girl was born to be in the 90s.

Meanwhile, Samantha's married man sitch gets messy when he calls her to tell her he's leaving his wife. This is a threesome Samantha will gladly opt out of and like a boss, she ends the relationship on her fabulous phone.

She really can pull off colors similar to her skin/hair tone. This metallic cardigan is perfect for ending affairs. Note to readers: if you ever want to end an affair with a married man and his wife who wants to have a threesome, wear this outfit.

Jack and Charlotte attend a masquerade ball, looking for the Curly to their Moe and Larry. Charlotte wears a slinky ice blue dress and a gold mask, looking appropo for an imminent threesome. But what's with the scarf that girl's wearing? Are those Christmas ornaments on the end of it?

I guess not everyone is planning to have a threesome that night. Am I right, Charlotte?

Oooooh yeah.

Sidenote: Jack looks like a creep.

The two sneak upstairs to fool around and are joined by a woman who automatically assumes they want a threesome. Was it the wink? How is that clear?

Unfortunately, Jack only wants to hook up with Miss Peacock over here with the elbow gloves and the really good reading of winks.

Miranda, still insecure about herself, answers a threesome ad and DAMNNNNNNNNN GIIIIRRRRRLLLLL.

Miranda. Everything in this episode has been redeemed by this one outfit. Simple black dress that accentuates her assets (assets = boobs, if that wasn't clear) and a statement necklace. I. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. GET IT, GIRL.

Though Carrie goes out with Big again, she can't get rid of the thought of Big's ex. He assures her they weren't right for each other and Carrie and Big make up. She wears a blue jacket over a simple black tank and red pencil, looking pretty casual for a date night.

But at least she's not wearing the same outfit again. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Barbara.

Even if you are just a figment of Carrie's imagination. 

So, some important lessons we've learned from this episode are: threesomes are most always bad news, your hair color does affect what colors you wear and when you imagine your boyfriend's ex standing next to you, think of a different outfit besides the one you first saw her in. Please. For YKYLF's sake.

Sex and the City: The Monogamists

I find the title of this episode rather ironic, considering the main characters basically have sex with a different person each episode. Ah, but I suppose that is the point - to discuss what monogamy really means, and whether or not it works. Carrie wants to be monogamous with Big but discovers he may not be super-keen on that idea. Monogamy continues to be a dirty word to Samantha, who apparently cannot even be faithful to a real estate broker. Charlotte meets 'the one', and he wants her to do 'the one' thing she hates. And Skipper dumps his girlfriend for Miranda MID-COITUS. Dude, that is even worse than 'dumping by text message'. Not cool.

The episode opens with Big and Carrie acting the part of Most Annoying Couple Ever, aka. "Couple That You Secretly Want to Trip on the Street Because They Can't Keep Their Hands Off Each Other". Come on, you know the one I mean, we've all seen them! At least Carrie is being annoying in a cute dress:

This pink is pretty on her and it has a slight sparkle which, although a bit Vegas-tastic for an afternoon stroll, elevates it from just a plain pink slipdress. Big is wearing an impeccable suit, as usual. They are so goddamn cute...so cute you just want to punch them. AND this is New York - you do NOT get in the way of New Yorkers on the sidewalk, am I right? Get a room.

Carrie's little love bubble bursts when the ladies go out to dinner and Carrie sees Big eating with another woman as they are leaving. When she asks him if he's on a date he says "kinda". Ummm, sooooo...yes? no? I think we can safely say that this is the beginning of the recurring issues between Carrie and Big - Carrie expects things, obsesses when her expectations are not met (which is often), and Big says cryptic things to avoid actually answering serious questions. Ah, ain't love grand?

Oh well, at least she's looking hot when she confronts him:

This blue dress looks fab on her slim bod, and I love the unexpected pop of red in her shoes and clutch. A colorful outfit to go with a, ahem, "colorful" expression (one that basically says "WTF?!).

Oh hey, Sam. Nice of you to drop by before your Easter ho-down. Not only that, but you're pulling a Bridesmaid by matching your clutch to your dress. So it's an Easter ho-down themed wedding?

 

Yee-haw! Appropos I guess, since a "ho"-down would be just Samantha's scene.

This is a trend for this week because she does the monochrome thing again later, only in a colour that's less 'spring flower', more 'baby poop':

Yeah that smell, Sam? That's your suit. And snakeprint top, trim AND bag. I appreciate the daringness, but this is a tad too coordinated for my liking. This episode is about being monogamous to people, not colors. At least the shape is great on her. I mean, the woman could wear a garbage bag and the shape would look great on her.

At the other extreme, Miranda is completely covered up in her usual "man-semble" - i.e. a suit and tie:

While I kind of like the print on your tie here, Mir, would it kill you to wear women's clothes once in a while?

I mean, I'm pretty sure this outfit was taken from my boyfriend's closet:

And he's not even very stylish. (Sorry hun, I love you but just...no.)

Why Skipper left his girlfriend that works at VOGUE to get back with you, I'll never know. VOGUE, Miranda! VOGUE. So, I realize you work in a high-powered, male-dominated industry and you want to be taken seriously but you could take a few tips from Sam here - she has been extremely successful, too and she shows off her assets pretty much every chance she gets! Check out this smokin' red number:

Damn, this makes up for the aforementioned Baby-Poo-Snakeskin-Episode. This woman has like not ONE ounce of fat on her body. Well, they say sex burns tons of calories and the girl has A LOT of sex so you do the math. (Please? Math hurts my brain). 

Someone who most definitely does not show off her assets enough is Miss Charlotte. At dinner, she is looking cute but also kind of "meh" in a blue suit combo.

Ok so the colours are nice on her, but really it's JUST a suit and a top. Nothing special. Honey, you work in an art gallery, shouldn't your outfits be a bit more...oh, I dunno, artistic?

She does go with a little more visual interest on her next date, but sticks to the same blue/gray colour palette:

Me likey the slightly quirky, asymmetrical neckline here and that pop of blue in the skirt is electric, but I don't really "get" the little embellishments on the top - are they bows? flowers? Did you decide to repurpose your old duvet? You could be so hot if you really embraced it, Miss York.

As much as I am giving the ladies a hard time about their outfits, even I have to admit, they do look pretty bitchin' and profesh strutting out of this restaurant:

Hold it, is Miranda carrying a Birkin? It went by so fast I'm not 100% sure. But if so, I take back what I said about the menswear. M...besties??

(Fun fact: I ate at this restaurant when I visited NYC 4 years ago. It's called Remi and I didn't realize it was in this episode until now. So, I have eaten dinner at the same place as the SATC girls. That means I'm part of the group now, right?)

[Ed note: I just now realized I had drinks last summer at the restaurant that Charlotte & BJ Guy walked out of when she was wearing the quirky, asymmetrical top. Apparently, the SATC scouts picked locations with staying power. - Jen]

Anyhoo, after the whole "not sure if Big's on a date" debacle, Carrie decides to drown her depression in a couple of Cosmos with Stanford, and (what else?) discuss the "issue" ad nauseum. She definitely doesn't look depressed in this sunny shirtdress though:

Ok so it's a little maid uniform-y, but still fresh and cute and shows off her fab gams. I actually like the hair pulled up on her too. Oh and look what she's wearing on her feet, boys and girls:

The red shoes again! Well, the girl may not be able to pick one man she likes, but at least she can stick to one pair of shoes for more than a week. Yay for continuity.

And, hey, look who she meets while sippin' on her gin and juice - Justin Theroux - aka. Jennifer Aniston's man-toy aka. super-hotty. Sigh, it's too bad he's wearing his grandmother's tablecloth as a shirt:

At least Stanny looks pulled together. He went a little bit Valentine's Day with the colour combo, but gets an A for effort, nonetheless. Thank goodness for gay men.

Sidenote: So. Much. Colour. in this episode! I freakin' love it! Enough to be monogamous with it!

Remember the Nerps Dress from last week? This week Carrie wore the long silver version to a party at Big's friends apartment:

NERPS!

No, seriously:

Anyway, Carrie finally tells Big that she and her nerps want to "stand still" with him. And he says....nothing. Granted, her question was a tad vague, and he does put his arm around her and she seems happy with that. Carrie, Big is hot and all, but I think your time and energy would be better spent on a relationship with a man that is actually a sure thing: Manolo Blahnik.

Sex and the City: Secret Sex

This week's episode is all about being embarrassed. Carrie worries Big is embarrassed to be sleeping with her; Miranda finds an embarrassing secret about her latest guy; Charlotte recalls an affair she was too embarrassed to take public; and Samantha looks awesome and is never embarrassed about anything, ever.

So, you know how at the beginning of every episode, Carrie walks down the street in a tutu and then is splashed with mud from a bus with her picture on it?

This week we see her photo shoot for this bus ad campaign, and learn that she got to keep the nude-coloured dress.

Like a not totally insane person, she decided to wear the dress not only in public, but on her first date with Big:

NERPS! I SEE CARRIE'S NERPS! NERPS!

I mean, girlfriend's clearly got a slammin' bod, but like... SRSLY? The ladies loyally tell her that she looks great, though Charlotte quickly coins it "the naked dress." That description is pretty much perfect and I don't think I can come up with a better name... or can I? 

Carrie is, as we all know, a fashion renegade but - seriously? That is not even a dress. It is a) see-through, b) macaron-grazing, and as we soon realize c) backless.

Like, I have seen squares of toilet paper with more fabric than this.

She obviously can't go outside just in the dress - the fresh air would cause her nerps would start poking people in the eyes. So like any classy dame, she throws on her trademark rabbit fur coat and some nude heels:

This ensemble leaves Big (in an oh-so-'99 black suit/black shirt/coloured tie combo) speechless:

And after a display of red hot chemistry, they totally get it on right there in the limo - like Blair and Chuck before Chair was a glimmer in Josh Schwartz's eyes. Is there a name for Carrie and Big? CAB? Biggie?

Biggie take their hanky panky back to Big's apartment where... OK, I'll give him E for Effort, but this not what we had in mind at YKYLF when we asked the networks for more male shirtlessness:

Afterwards, Big took her to The No Tell Motel a Chinese restaurant, where Carrie runs into her friend and his date, Libby:

OH HONEY NO. The permed bangs? The half-updo? The blouse with a pattern that looks like it came from re-used nurse's scrubs? THE SHORT SLEEVED BLAZER? Your guy isn't embarrassed by your face, it's your fashion sense - which can be easily improved. Wait, were Stacy and Clinton around in 1999?

Interestingly, after starting things off with nerps all akimbo, Carrie spends the rest of the episode super covered up. My fav is this fit-and-flare leather peacoat ensemble she wore for a stroll with Miranda:

This look is GORGEOUS. The coat, the gloves (chestnut brown with gold studs - very ahead of her time!), even the pigtails are working this look hard. Miranda wears a gigantic menswear jacket LIKE ALWAYS.

Regrettably, underneath this chic outerwear, Carrie is wearing what I first thought was a jaunty nautical stripe number...

... but then she rolled over and revealed it to be an unholy cropped zip-up mock turtleneck. With 3/4 length sleeves. NOTHING ABOUT THAT IS OK.

And then PANTS OFF! It's COLUMN WRITING TIME!

Her star-studded top is cute here but like, what's up with the pants-off writing? Is this like her version of "putting your writing cap on" = "take your writing pants off"? Also of note: she is not yet using an Apple computer, which means that whole episode where she and Aidan have a fight because she's an Apple and he's a PC is totally invalid. ::shaking fist at continuity::

Carrie gets fully dressed later for Samantha's visit, putting on these... grey... capri jogging pants? With plaid trim? Not sure what's going on here, but at least she's wearing pants.

Carrie continues to misunderstand which sort of apparal is appropriate in which sort of occastion. The Nerps Dress is not suitable for public outings, and these pajama jeans (OK, I know those weren't invented in 1999, but Carrie's always been avant-garde) are NOT OK for visiting an art gallery.

Char and Sam are like bookends in their classic sportswear. Charlotte is killing it with that multicoloured chevron skirt and burgundy tee, while Samantha's red tee, casual scarf, and black skirt are effortlessly sexy. In the middle, Carrie looks pissed - but understandably so. She's beginning to suspect that Big thinks of her as no more than her Secret Sex girl - the woman he sleeps with, but doesn't introduce to his friends.

As evidence, she shows how her friend was too embarrassed to introduce her to his ladyfriend at the Chinese food restaurant. A return visit to said restaurant confirms her suspicions as she realizes that every other couple there is secretly embarrassed of their date: 

"OMG my date is older than my father!"/ "OMG my date is wearing a terrible wig!"

"OMG my date is wearing a turtleneck and blazer combo!" / "OMG my date... wait, there's nothing wrong with her. Carry on."

Also adding to Carrie's doubts are when Big refuses to introduce her to his friend they meet on the street. But is that because he's embarrassed to be sleeping with her, or because he's embarrassed she's wearing clown shoes?

This is like... false advertising, literally. She's all over NYC buses in the nerps dress; she shows up for their dinner date in the nerps dress; and then she starts dressing like Annie Hall crossed with Krusty the Klown? No wonder Big's confused about her.

Meanwhile, Charlotte is very judgy about Carrie's plans to sleep with Big on the first date, but should someone in a see-through cami with no bra be so judgmental?

Or maybe Charlotte just needs to turn down the A/C in her apartment.

We later learn that even modest Charlotte has a secret sexual partner in her past, namely, a Hassidic Jewish painter she slept with for awhile in the not-so-distant past:

Miranda's plotline is about as brief and uninteresting as ever. I have to assume that to work through the tedium of her plotline (Mir meets a guy; Mir freaks out over his spanking fetish; Mir gets dumped) she decided to find the Worlds Least Flattering Pants.

Option 1: Pooch-enhancing elastic-waist tapered pants.

The sweater tied artistically around her shoulders? Really? Her top half is at a tennis club circa 1925, while her bottom half is at the gym.

Option 2: Actually at the gym

See, I'd say something about how the gym is a good place to meet guys, so you should try and dress in a flattering manner... but Mir still managed to snag a date with a guy despite a) her maternity jogging pants and b) punching him in the head by accident.

But then!!! IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: MIRANDA'S HAIR LOOKS KIND OF CUTE IN THIS SCENE.

Dear Miranda: soft hair is your friend. Step away from the hair gel and the pixie cut and remember how cute you look like this. Sincerely, YKYLF

Samantha was a style star this week. I don't know if that's because her competition was so slight or because she appeared in like, two scenes, but whatevs. This black halter-neck is super flattering for her athletic shoulders and petite bustline:

And in en episode about people spilling embarrassing sexual secrets, Samantha's laidback statement that she isn't embarrassed about anyone she's slept with was refreshing.

Speaking of embarrassing... Carrie throws a street party to wait for her new bus ad to drive by, and her friends arrive in ferosh outerwear. Seriously: everybody came in either fur or leather.

Luckily, PETA didn't crash the party.

To Carrie's dismay, someone's drawn obscene graffiti on her sexy bus photo. I'm not sure what that's supposed to indicate: that the dress was, in fact, too sexy? Or is it just a continuation of the theme that sex can be embarrassing?

Carrie, like any reasonable person who's just seen her oversized bus photo defaced with sexual graffiti, gets drunk on the street and staggers over to Big's house to confront him. It turns out he isn't embarrassed about her at all - it was just a misunderstanding!

Phew, that's a relief. I was worried for a second that these two would have some sort of obstacles in their relationship. Surely it's smooth sailing from now on... right?

Sex and the City (aka Pilot) - Introductions

Before Gossip Girl and its coterie of partying New York fashionistas, there was Carrie and company. Carrie's a thirty-something self-proclaimed New York partygirl and sexual anthropologist who uses her friends as research for her column. She's flanked by her BFFs Charlotte, the WASP looking for Prince Charming, and Miranda, the lawyer with the cynical attitude. And of course Samantha, who's given up on love and sates herself on sex with a different man every night.  In this first episode of Sex and the City, we meet the basic players, but it's a far cry from the chic series we remember - Carrie talks directly to the camera (ouch), the shot quality is poor, leading to poor screencaps (double ouch, and sorry), and the fashions are beyond blah (the ouchiest of all).

Elizabeth is our introduction into this new world of New York dating politics, and unfortunately for her, it's a rude awakening.

She has that snooty British appeal. Sure her dress and hair look simple, but take another glance and you'll see not a strand out of place, and a dress that's both a flawless fit and the perfect shade of melon. Best not to get too attached. We'll never see her again after this episode.

Elizabeth's problem isn't that she doesn't know how to accessorize a cocktail dress, but that she takes men at face value.

Tim should really appreciate that he's found a New York woman who's comfortable with color. You'll discover later in the recap just how rare this is. But seriously, how summery sweet is Elizabeth's yellow flowered shift dress?

Speaking of color, I might actually mug dear Liz for her turquoise sheath. The color, the halter neckline, the simple button embellishment? Tres chic.

Aaaand here's where the train comes right off the track. Depressed at her ill fortune with Tim, Elizabeth retreats to her gray power suit, the costume of all bitter New York women. And with her happiness vanishes our last hope for color this episode.

Speaking of her erstwhile lover, hey Tim? When I said, "embrace color," I wasn't referring to a burnt orange tie.

A decent, if safe, choice. Tim simply doesn't take the risk. Chuck Bass would have sniffed at tie and shirt pairing, but at this point, Chuck was, like, 7.

Although, if Tim's an investment banker, there's a chance he would have come across Bart Bass, and perhaps little Chuck, who even at the age of 7 would have known to politely ignore Tim at a cocktail party.

I don't care if you slept in until noon, and it's a weekend. That is never an excuse for such a schlumpy situation. If anything, this khaki tent is a red flag. Elizabeth should have known she could do better.

But enough of people we'll never see again. Look, it's Carrie, our sherpa to the wild ways of New York dating and fashion! Except she's seemingly forgotten a large portion of her wardrobe--color.

Not sure what Carrie's wearing under the baggy gray trench, but she looks a little walk-of-shame-esque.

That night, she sports a deep v-neck dress. It's general drabness aside, I do like the cut. Half a point to Miss Bradshaw.

...but unfortunately it's almost the exact same as this black wrap dress. Half a point deducted. Change it up, Carrie!

I am glad this isn't a black v-neck dress, however, it's more slut chic than New York chic. Leopard print corsets paired with a skin tight black skirt? We all expected better from you, Carrie.

Unsurprisingly, the two men in Carrie's life like her outfits a lot better than I do.

First, there's Kurt, a mistake that Carrie's made many times before. No matter. Under the aegis of researching of having sex like a man, she uses and discards him.

Frankly, the man is so swarmy in his open-collared white shirt and douchehair, that he deserves everything she gives him. Which is exactly nothing.

Yep, any time a man wears a wifebeater under a suit jacket, they're a legitimate douchebag.

On the other hand is Mr. Big, so-named because he's supposed to be The Next Big Thing in New York real estate. Hey, I'll bet he definitely knows Bart Bass!

Sorry, I'll get off this whole GG/SATC crossover fantasy eventually.

While Tim the Investment Broker might not realize the importance of a well-coordinated suit, Mr. Big does. The pinstripe is glorious and I adore the pale gold diamond-patterned tie. He's well put together and knows it.

Stanford is the last man in Carrie's life and the only one she can't do without: her gay husband.

He's also the only character besides the fleeting Elizabeth who appreciates a good color palette. Love the lime green shirt paired with the darker emerald tie. And look at the subtle pattern on the tie! Gorgeous!

Remember Season Six Miranda, she of soft hair and makeup and flowing dresses? Rewind to Hard Ass Miranda, who's devastatingly smart and more than a little bitter at the shortcomings of men.

Folks, she's in a Serious Profession and wears Serious Clothes. Her blue pinstriped blouse might have been on a men's rack in a different life, and she accessorizes it with a geometric silver necklace and earring set. There's nothing soft about her...yet.

Another, even more masculine suit, this time it's pinstriped, and another set of similar sleek silver jewelry. The hair is still severe, but honestly? I Love, love, love her hair here.

Skipper is another of Carrie's resources for her column: the "nice guy." He's also kind of a geek, what with the web developer profession, glasses, and a truly awful haircut.

Between that hideous sweater and that hair, is it any surprise that Skipper isn't getting lucky? Oh Skippy. I just want to take you shopping.

Hmm, perhaps Carrie did. This is better, but not by much. If you view him from the neck down, he might even be legitimate dating material.

Skipper commits the cardinal sin of dressing in khakis and a sport coat for going to a nightclub. I think he was aiming for preppy cute, but he ended up at on-a-break-from-prep-school. Or preppy geek? Whatever, he's no match for Hard Ass Miranda.

Speaking of character types, Samantha is our sex kitten extroadinaire, and fulfills her trope by just being gorgeous.

Now this is how you wear a black dress. Maybe it's her golden blond hair and the peaches and cream complexion, but she pulls of black with so much more aplomb than our Carrie. Samantha smartly accessories with a pair of retro pearl earrings and nothing else.

When the girls hit the town at Chaos, Samantha dons a navy (trust me) dress made of a sumptuous velvet. I'll forgive you if you thought it was black. There's just not much of it to see.

Really, if anyone can pull off the completely backless look it's Samantha.

But wait . . .who is this?

Why, that's Charlotte, our resident blue-blooded WASP, looking uncharastically sexy in her backless evening gown. Her updo is perfection, and the dangling earrings complete a truly spectacular look.

In fact, Charlotte is the only girl who really hits it out of the park this episode.  I shall demonstrate:

Simple, but cute enough that she's a bit sexy librarian with her glasses. The khaki skirt is fairly basic, but I like that she pairs it with a fussier, more embellished lace blouse, complete with a chunky pearl necklace.

At Miranda's birthday, she wears a sheer, patterned blouse and her hair in a sleek bob. I'll admit, I forgot about Charlotte's early-series bob.

Lastly, for her date with Capote Duncan, most eligible bachelor in New York, she pulls out all the stops.

Such an awful screencap, but I hope you can make out the shiny silver material of this gown. Frankly, it's a little flashy for the Charlotte that we all know and love, but you can't deny how beautiful she looks in it. It's the one time this episode I completely condone the use of a neutral shade.

As for the man on her arm, Charlotte has snagged the un-snaggable Capote, bachelor extraordinaire.

Who can blame her? While Mr. Big has the aura of power around him, Capote is a certified ladykiller. Mere mortal women can't resist.

But once the tux comes off, he too veers into smarmy territory, and the ladykiller buzz is off.

But Charlotte's a good friend and generously donates her leftovers to Samantha. Good thing Sam knows just what to do with him...