Revenge: Illumination

Part 2 of 2 – Let's hear it for the grrrls

Between all the deaths, blackmailing, Initiative spookiness you've got to give it up for the ladies of Montauk. They're not about to let their own imminent doom distract from pulling off look after look, with every detail perfect down to the last flatiron curl.

Let's start off with a bit of an appetizer, shall we? Ashley Davenport is the ultimate amuse bouche in this Barbie dream gown:

OK, cold hard truth time: Ashley's got body for days, but this dress is doing her zero favours. It's also got that kind of unfinished Project Runway "I made this dress in 20 minutes using duct tape" sort of look. Get it together, gurl.

Charlotte does her best Blair Waldorf in her school uniform:

Honestly, this could use a hairband, a loosening of the tie, over-the-knee boots or SOMETHING. What, you mean to tell me she goes to the kind of school where you have to wear your uniform in a UNIFORM manner? What kind of school is that? And is it too late for her to transfer to Constance Billard?

But she shows that her DNA includes significant strands of both Queen V and Emily when she pulls out this look for the My Dead Fake Sister Foundation Gala.

Pay no attention to the odd lemon-filled glass in her hand. Just focus on the gorgeous contrast between the black sheer and the feather-ish pattern. And then some snaps for her Veronica Lake 'do. Child, you've come a long way from your past drug addiction and half-hearted mean girling. *Hugs*

Queen V's first look is hardly notable, apart from the fact that this colour is fab on her. 

It's nearly Pantone's Colour of the Year — Emerald! Those jewel tones look perfect against her alabaster complexion. Queen V, like Joan from Mad Men, needs to live in these colours and throw away every ivory-coloured dress in her wardrobe.

See? She's like a grown-up Snow White in this ruby number. 

Gorgeous. That neckline is flawless on her, showing off both the girls and that double-strand necklace. 

Here's the H-to-T, notable mainly for how Victoria's sharing the screen with that ginormous photo of Fauxmanda (RIP).

"I love my dead lover's dead daughter so much! No, really! Also, we take cash and checks! This is entirely not a scam!"

So, just like Eli figured out immediately what Emily was up to, Emily took 3 seconds to figure out that the Dead Stripper Fund was a total scam. It's like the first part of this season was just a warm-up for Emily's renewed revengenda.

And luckily for us, she brought this renewed energy to her fashionz as well as to her scheming.

Gurrrrl. This look is IT. It's ultimate Emily Thorne. She's got the nautical piping on the curve-hugging blazer, the expensive-as-hell skinnies hugging her every curve, and then the (cropped out but trust me, they're there) black ass-kicker boots in case she winds up in an unanticipated ninja type situation. LURVE.

More Gump's...

 

She brings her usual ladylike glam to the Grayson's latest gala. Is it a coincidence she and Queen V were dressed so similarly?

This shade of aubergine is fine on her, but I think I might hand the battle of the long-sleeved body-con dresses to Queen V's bright red number. Still, Emily wins for the most covetable head of hair. Remember the code — the fuller the waves, the higher the threat level? The gauge of her curling iron portends drama almost as well as Nolan's collar situation.

If I were Eli, I'd be watching my back — though legendary and heretofore unknown hacker THE FALCON might be disrupting everyone's plans sometime soon. But don't take my word for it — ask Flashback Nolan:

Revenge: Retribution

Part 1 of 2 – Hampsterconnect.com

Fauxmanda's death sends shockwaves throughout Montauk. Most notably, it's reminded Emily of her true purpose — not to wander around kinda-revenging-but-not-really, but to DESTROY THE GRAYSONS ENTIRELY. RAWR! So, that bodes well for the rest of the season. And then in a giant twist, Jack becomes an interesting and kickass character with his own revengenda!!! As a tribute to his dead wife, he chooses to carry on what he thinks was her plan to prove the Graysons framed her father. Also: Carl moves into Casa Grayson, Conrad is still running for office, and Daniel is still the prettiest pony on the show.

Queen V starts out her day like anyone else, in a dress and necklace combo that costs more than a year's rent on my apartment:

I feel like you don't even need to see the rest of the dress. We all know it's a bodycon mini that hits just above the knee, right? Queen V knows what works for her and she doesn't tend to deviate. That being said, I like how she's making posture her best accessory. You just know she spent hours walking around with books balanced on her head when she was training herself to be a fancy lady.

She puts on her best cloak-and-dagger oh-so-inconspicuous black trench for her shifty meeting with the new baddie.

God knows girlfriend's working the hell out of this look, but I would have liked to see a bit more interesting detail on this coat (or just let her borrow Ashley's deathly trench from PLL last week).

And I don't know about this new baddie, but I do entirely enjoy how he arranged a meet-up in this empty bench area and faced away from them the whole time.

I also like how his face looks like a mask, but it's a face at the same time.

Right?

Like, Initiative Helen had some steez, but you just know this guy's the real deal. He's even creepier than the late, lamented White Haired Man and I can't wait to see him bust out his ninja moves with Emily. You know it has to happen eventually.

So, I'm not sure if Victoria is sad about Fauxmanda's death (I mean, she did almost kill her before, and Fauxmanda was kinda blackmailing them). She sure puts on a good show of mourning, though that may just be vicarious sadness when she sees how hard Charlotte's taking it.

I guess one of the vodka-with-lemons to come out of the lemon that is Fauxmanda's death is that Charlotte and Victoria are getting closer again. Won't be too long until they're attending Mother/Daughter Beauty Pageants! Seriously, Charlotte's dress in the first scene is a complementary blue to Queen V's sausage casing:

And then at Fauxmanda's funeral, they're a perfect pair in black with lace detail:

If only Charlotte knew that Emily's eulogy was essentially for herself. Your sister's not really dead, Char! She's the one with the perfect beachy waves over by the casket! (Yes, I know that she won't figure this out for like, five more seasons.)

Daniel's looks this week weren't much to write home about, just suits accessorized with his usual derp face.

And much as we joke about them hiding Ashley behind the furniture, this week they fully sat her at Connie's desk so we couldn't see her from the waist down.

Girlfriend has one scene and one look this week, but she's working the hell out of it. The ballerina bun is flirty-yet-profesh, while the print top is youthful-yet-mature. I also like how her earrings basically look like giant studs. You just know that even though her bottom half is hidden away, she's got like 7" stilettos and a bandage skirt under there. Ash is always working the full H-to-T.

Oh, and? That NotAshley person from a few weeks ago was back again, randomly.

Seriously, this was a "The role of Ashley will now be played by so-and-so" moment. Who is this girl, where did she come from, and how long until we find out she's secretly another one of Emily's long-lost foster siblings?

Because yes, thanks to Charlotte, yet another character from Emily's past has blown into town. First, I'd like to give a hat tip to Charlotte's in-depth detective work in tracking down Eli. Step one: Google your dead sister's name, which brings up this picture, with a convenient caption naming all of her foster siblings.

Pay no attention to the fact her hair is clearly straight, when the woman you think is your dead sister had the most voluminous curls on TV since Keri Russell on Felicity.

Step two: send out a request on "Hampsterconnect.com" (Where the coolest Hampsters go to share their LOLs!)

And... basically, Eli messages her. So maybe it wasn't such great detective work after all.

But the big news is that Eli, Emily's ex-foster brother (and the guy whose house she began practicing burning down houses on!) is suddenly in Montauk. I'm sure that won't complicate Emily's life at all. Hopefully, he won't be quite as full-on crazypants as the last few people from Em's past to wash up on shore. (See: Cray Mama, White Haired Man, Fauxmanda...)

Revenge: Sacrifice

Part 1 of 2 – Ahoy, Landlubbers

If you’re still trying to process this past episode, don’t worry — you’re not alone. Remind me to never visit Montauk during Labor Day weekend. That’s when people die. Connie and Queen Vic just to need to hook up and get it over with, because the unresolved sexual tension between them just leads to more and more murder cover-ups. Maybe this whole Governor bid will change their fortunes, though I’m betting it causes dramz to end all dramz that came before. At least we can count on the Grayson kids to have a hint of a moral compass. Didn’t Charlotte look totes maternal with Baby Carl? The unseasonably hot weather brought a steamy night of honeymoon passion for Jack and Amanda, but it ended with explosions and — surprise! — more death. Seriously, Emily, it would have been easier to just sink The Hamps from the get go.

The family that buries bodies together, stays together. Even if they don’t want to. From the look on her face, this isn’t the first body carpeting she’s presided over. And I know she’s thinking, “Just put your back into it, Conrad, you big girl.” How apropos that she’s wearing black. It’ll make for an easy, yet stylish, escape.

But wait... why should she escape? No, Victoria’s too crafty for that. After all, this is her house Helen so ungraciously got shot in. Rude. Naturally, Queen Vic steals some of Helen’s things and impersonates her so as not to tip off the driver. Honestly, when I saw her in the head scarf and glasses, I thought “oh no she better don’t!”, and then I was all, “eh, in the long run, how is this the worst thing she’s done?”

The next day, Queen Vic saunters down her palatial staircase like nothing happened, sporting yet another taupe body-con dress. Though people may die left and right, we can always count on Victoria’s personal style remaining the same. It’s oddly comforting. I’m all over the chest peep on this dress — the shape is very elegant for essentially being a boob window.

More Tibi...

 

Even Connie has brushed off the previous night’s events and decides to mark his indifference with a very casual sweater knot. I know having the sleeves tied up near your neck is so totally 80s prepster, but having them hang so devil-may-care near the crotch doesn’t seem right either. No one is that relaxed in The Hamptons.

Predictably, Daniel returns to his suits and ties. After all, he has a corporation to run! These poor Grayson kids... Daniel’s been so run down from all the schemes and whatnot from his parents that instead of raging that they’re forcing him into a murder conspiracy cover-up, he just pouts about his parents being shady. I’d retreat into the same boring suit every week too, Daniel. 

Ashley isn’t privy to this latest Grayson scheme, but when you’re planning the annual Labor Day gala which includes Connie’s political announcement, your plate is kind of full. Let’s all take a minute to appreciate this Joie Rancher blouse topped with a sickening blazer. I still can’t decipher what colour that is, so I’m going with electric coral; I used “electric” because that was cool in the 80s. It’s much more mainstream chic than we’re used to for Ashley, but of course she pulls it off effortlessly. Also, clock those shoes — if that heel was any higher, she’d be tipping forward. Windmill snaps for you, gurl. 

Now that Amanda is blackmailing with the angels, y’all know that Charlotte is going to be Baby Carl’s new baby-mama, right? Or, she’ll try, yet somehow Queen Vic will send an infant to boarding school. Either way, as long as Charlotte keeps dressing like this, I’ll allow it. Her dress isn’t overly unique, but something about the pattern is quite captivating. Adding a day-glo belt is pretty cute, too. I think next to Emily, Charlotte may have the best natural style and hair. She never looks like she’s in a costume, and her hair is always silky and gorgeous.

Now that Helen is out of the picture, our new contact at The Initiative is this fish-lipped little fellow. Even with a dapper pocket square, I can tell this character is going to be an energy drain on the show. I already miss Helen’s bizarre dress choices and Nurse Ratchet-like hair. 

Queen Vic and Connie share my dislike for the new guy. A word of advice: don’t take any shade from these two on Labor Day. They have a habit of making people... disappear on this weekend. 

After dispatching with the new guy, Ashley takes centre stage to introduce the Graysons as the last true Rockewellian family in the United States. I’m sure that hair is bunned up in the back, but I love how she was able to change its shape. Let’s be real, girlfriend has some long tracks up in there, but I’d love to see her with a shorter cut. Nothing harsh like a Rihanna bob, but this Downton Abbey style cut would be just fine.

Don’t they look just perfect? Sidenote: y’all better bow to Charlotte who throwing beaucoup shade at the moment.

After the party and charade are over, Connie, Queen Vic and Daniel share a brandy on the Plotting Balcony. Daniel tries to settle his feelings about his parent’s plan to pin the Helen thing on Amanda, while the other two contemplate serious thoughts like, “What’ll I do tomorrow?” 

Oh, Graysons. You make other soap opera dynasties look like a bunch of temperamental girl scouts.

Read on, matey! Part 2 of 2

Revenge: Union

Part 1 of 2: State of the Union

Emily is having all kinds of feelings this week and none of them involve a red Sharpie. She has to watch Fauxmanda marry her childhood sweetheart on the beach and she gets her Revenging (!!!) ass dumped in a pauper's cemetary when Aiden's feelings (so many feelings this week) over his dead sister have him questioning his Revenging (!!!) ways. And we get a bit of backstory on Aiden (Dad loaded the bomb on the plane). Conrad is making deals with one devil, while Victoria is trying to get Daniel out of deals with another. Emily's writing cheques to get Jack and Fauxmanda back on their feet, but it looks like another kind of Revenge (!!!) is going to put an end to that. And friends, I did not expect to see Helen go down so soon or so unceremoniously. Can she pull a Lydia and bounce back from that gunshot wound? 

Emily kicks off a busy two days in the Hamps with some delightful Revenge Casual wear. 

A sleeveless peplum with some great jeans really is a great way to kick back on a summer day and take stock of your feelings for your childhood sweetheart, who, quite frankly, you need to get over already.

I mean, you've got the hot British guy, the handsome, wealthy but dumb boy next door, and the loyalty of your best dressed bestie. Do you really need the barkeep too? Probably not. Let Fauxmanda have that one and focus on how great you look in this Rachel Roy jacket.

What could have been your average blazer for snooping around old warehouses and cemetaries is totally taken up a notch by the detailing on those shoulders. Seriously, check this detail: 

Fantastic.

Although Ems is getting dumped in the middle of a cemetary from a Brontë novel, she can always take solace in having amazing hair that withstands the mist. Also, she's got that jacket. Plus, considering Aiden's lethal capabilities, he let her down (comparitively) easily.

Is this the last we'll see of our office ninja?

OK, I don't know how he snuck into Nolan's office undetected (does Nolan not have staff to notify him of these things? Or does Aiden make a habit of sneaking in through the air vents and office windows?), but he does so by looking suave in his own version of office casual. Instead of his usual 007 style, he goes for leather jacket that is far more appropriate for sneaking into places. 

I'd like to pause here for a moment and discuss this:

You're kidding me, right? There is no way it's that easy to get into the Laptop of Secrets. Emily somehow knew that Fauxmanda was going to pull this stunt, that's my only guess. Otherwise, Revenge (!!!) Sensei should have taught a class in password protection along with Karate and Advanced Drowning Memory Retrieval Techniques. 

Nolan, on the other hand, is going for something a little more conservative this week. 

I mean, conservative by Nolan standards. There's only one collar and it isn't popped. This shirt is, however, polka dotted ina way that usually only a J. Crew male model can pull off. And I love the subtle detail on the edge of his lapel. The costume department on this show is all about the subtle detail and I give them major golf claps for that. I never notice just how amazing things are until I take a second look. Well played, costume department. 

And well played again in this look for Ashley.

We love Ashley to pieces and, I don't know about you, have the sads about how under-appreciated her schemes are on this show (give the girl a plot line already!). But our love for her is why she gets a pop of safety orange on her chartreuse. I have no idea how it works, but it does. And it's why she gets that fantastic tassel of a necklace. And dollars to donuts, if we could see her shoes I guarantee we'd swoon. 

Now for a character we don't care about.

Yep. This REISS dress is much like my semi-formal frock from 1994. It didn't do me any favours then and it's not doing the World's Worst Spy any favours now. I dig the Tiffany bracelet, but it can't save that dress. Take a longer look:

How it didn't put Nolan into a coma right away, we'll never know. I mean, look at him in those skinny khakis and fantastic shoes. Now look at her in a dress that really should be retired and a colour that inspires no one. Can The Initative dispense with her already? 

Speaking of our friends over at The Initiative, holy crap! Does evil ever look good on Helen!

That black and white number kills me. Super profesh and all business, perfect for plotting to take down the Graysons and finally take over the world. I'm also glad she's taking this rare trip into actual daylight (a supervillain can't spend all her time lurking around limos and secret video surveillance rooms).

Meanwhile in a house that seems to consist of 50% sunny windows and 50% extraneous walls for eavesdropping around, all is not well at the Grayson compound. That being said, Queen V's cleave is having an excellent day.

Also? The colour is fantastic on her pale self.

So much better than flashback Victoria in beige.

That's taking skin tone to a whole new level. I'm glad she's learned about colour since the demise of David Clarke.

I can only assume her sour look over breakfast is directed at her son.

Please Daniel, the GTL style belongs on a different shoreline, in a different state. Also, if you own a major corporation and you hate your parents, don't you think you'd look into buying (or even renting) your own place instead of crashing at home? It would save you the passive aggressive moments with mom over breakfast. And your mom wouldn't overhear all your conversations with Evil Helen.

It's to our advantage that she does, because it makes for Dramatic Entrances into Conrad's study.

I don't know how Victoria wears this dress so early in the day, but I like to think she's like the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey and is unaware of things like weekends and mornings. Overall, snaps for this dress.

But negative snaps for this daytime black as it makes her look a bit Morticia.

That being said, I bet I'd like this more if I could see more detail. There are hints that it might be fantastic, but Evil Helen is the only one who gets a full view of the dress on The Initiative Cam.

Daniel, I'm going to blame you for global warming. Not because Grayson Global is somehow behind it (which it probably is), but because of this outfit.

A three piece, wool suit? In the summer? Really? Get some linen and turn down the A/C my friend. The vest looks frigging fantastic on you, but save it for after the Season. 

Same goes for you, Connie. 

Fanstastic tie. The pattern is sharp. But the thick suit is not really necessary, especially since you're busy dealing with the riffraff of Montauk. They won't judge you if you wear the wealthy man's version of casual. I swear they won't.

I mean, just look at the Stowaway brothers.

Sigh. If it weren't for Charlotte in that glorious pop of orange lace, that would be the most schlubby scene ever to exist in the history of television. But those hoodies are partly why Jack and Fauxmanda are MFEO (Made For Each Other). 

Amanda's come a long way from her days of maternity Daisy Dukes, but when it comes to style, her beach casual is more on his level.

That's why I support him falling butt crazy in love for the girl he thinks is the girl he loved when he was ten (he is going to be so confused when the truth comes out), because those hoodies would not look so hot next to Emily's mad steez. 

Revenge: Union

Part 2 of 2: Something Borrowed, Something Blue

Like any good bride, Fauxmanda kick starts her marriage to Jack with a little something borrowed and something blue.

Word to the wise Ems, don't ambush your fake self with childhood memories while at the altar.Good thing Fauxmanda knows how to roll with your secrets and lies like a pro.

Also a bonus that Jack remembers this day from when y'all were kids.

Awwww...Li'l Jack and beachily handsome David Clarke with Best Man Sammy the Dog. Adorbs. Jack was already showing signs he couldn't dress himself, but what are you going to do? He tried.

He also, mostly, shaped up for his own nuptuals to the girl of his childhood dreams. 

Remember how I said the Revenge costume department loves it some details? Well take a closer look at the stitching on Jack's lapel. And now look at the buttons.

I can only assume Nolan helped him pick out that wedding attire. Of course, fancy for Jack is everyday for Nolan. Because y'all are not going to believe what Nolan wore.

Brace yourselves for the absolute amazeballs in 3...2...1...

Holy balls! Yes! A round of applause is in order for the silver paisley that only this officiant could pull off. I'll let you soak it in before we move on to the rest of the wedding party. 

...

Are we good? Cool. Moving on. 

While Jack's sense of style hasn't changed much since his early days, much has changed for Emily.

Clearly early Madonna was a style icon for Li'l Amanda back in the day.

And present-day? She Pippa Middletons the hell out of this wedding.

More Ippolita...

I don't love the bejewelled belt, but I'm otherwise 100% on board with this maid of honour outfit. The construction of it is fantastic and the neckline is all kinds of soft and lovely.

And it's almost enough for you to turn your face into it and hide your feelings.

I'm surprised no one was suspicious of you, what with you showing this many feelings at a wedding. You're usually the robot in the room. (But we get it — emotions make you less Revengey.)

Poor Fauxmanda, it's her big day and we never get a good look at her dress.

Always the bride, never the bridesmaid. 

While we're denied an h-t of her dress, I do love her seaglass jewelery.

Something about this is the perfect choice for Amanda. Not least of which is that she's possibly headed for the ocean floor with her namesake boat. 

On the groom's side of this wee wedding, things were a bit hit and miss. For Declan, a total miss with this vest.

What is happening with those zippers? Why do they exist on that poor vest? In his defense, I will say this: at least he didn't show up in a nehru collar, because I feel like that is the sort of thing Declan Porter would declare as "klassy".

The hit, of course, is Charlotte in that lace. Sadly, she's either hidden behind Baby Carl...

... or hidden by a camel coloured cashmere hoodie.

Sweetie, don't hide your light under a bushel. That dress, like so many of your other dresses, is beautiful. Just because you don't have a decent plotline doesn't mean you can't show off how cute your dress is. And 18 is too young to be using a baby as an accessory. You're too High Society to be pulling a Teen Mom routine. 

And brooding up on the cliff like a character from a Brontë novel (or a Harlequin novel, take your pick)? 

Aiden! Rocking the brooding stare and the white linen shirt. Well played, my broody British friend. Not quite on par with Heathcliff, but you'll do for the Hamptons.

So glad you changed your mind about dumping Emily over your sister's unmarked grave. Not exactly your classiest move to date.

I don't see a happy future for you two, but make the most of it while you can, because girlfriend is kind of perfect and wears sweaters that dreams are made of.

She can kick your ass, buy you and sell you, hack into any computer system AND still looks like she just stepped out of a J.Crew catalogue. What more can you ask for in a woman?

Not invited to the wedding were the Graysons and The Initiative. 

That's okay, V wasn't really dressed for the event anyway. She's settled in at home in some kind of cleave baring, body con dress. You know, like we all do after a hard day at work... unless this visit from Evil Helen wasn't as much of a surprise as we're led to believe it was.

She seems all sneaky with the scarf and sunglasses at night, but just who's playing who?

Nice tweed by the way, Hels. Seems a little much for summer, but evenings on the ocean can be chilly. 

Nope. I was wrong about Victoria just chilling out at home for the night. She was totally waiting to kill you, Helen.

That was completely unexpected. I really hope she rallies from the gunshot wound a la Lydia falling on the car, Queen V on the exploding airplane, Fauxmanda falling off the balcony... this show, you guys. I'm sure I missed at least one back-from-the-dead plotline there. 

Speaking of father and son Grayson. Poor, sweet Daniel is still shocked when he sees a dead body.

At least he's pretty. But you'd think he'd be used to all the dead bodies and ruined lives by now, yet it always comes as a surprise.

Less so for Connie.

The family that covers up a murder together, stays together. No matter how much they dislike one another. 

And while they're dumping the body, our honeymooners sail off into the sunset dressed like an LL Bean Boyfriend and an Earth Mother. 

I'm sure nothing could possibly go wrong on this love boat, right?

Or not.

Uh-oh, you guys. This is not the good kind of stowaway. Have we gone from Brontë lovers on the windswept moors to more of a Titanic scenario? Hopefully this Jack finds a piece of driftwood big enough to hold both of them this time around...