Scandal - Part 1 of 3 - I Don't Want To Tame Your Animal Style

So now that Tyler is all dead for reals, we’re wondering if Daniel actually had the stones to pull the trigger? Hint: not really. I enjoy the intense media coverage Tylery’s death receives, and the spiral The Grayson’s are thrown into over this dead guy who, at one time, held them at gunpoint. Forget about all the other deaths and disappearances connected to The Graysons this summer. The way everyone was sneaking around, looking suspicious and jumping at the slightest shadow, I felt like I was watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars where everyone rapidly grows up. But do you know who are the two shining stars in The Hamptons during all this nonsense? Declan and Nolan. Seriously - Declan has kept a cool head despite not changing his shirt, and Nolan just ROCKED his colour palette this week.

Nolan Ross... you my friend, are flawless. First let’s remind ourselves of his ensemble for the distatrous Fire & Ice party:

Red blazer and white shirt? OK, pretty snappy. But it’s when we get to the black and red deck shoes complemented by the striped socks that I want to reach through the screen and squeeze his little strawberry-blonde self until he pops. I’m usually against such blatant matchy-matchness, but I’m thinking of making an exception for socks to shoes.

While this isn’t the best shot, had there have been a longer scene with this Nolan-semble, it would be one of my favourites. A nice pair madras short, deck shoes without socks this time, and a navy sweater casually thrown over that polo? It’s classic Hamptons chic but with an update. If there’s one thing Nolan knows other than how to spy on people with computers, it’s putting his personal touch on anything he wears. 

Speaking of personal touches - BAM. Taste it. Not since the paisley bow-tie extravaganza have I seen Nolan so effortlessly use a pocket square. Is this his Sunday best outfit? Yellow and purple don’t even look good on the The Lakers, girl - what were you thinking? How many marshmallow Peeps had to die for these threads? Plus side: total statement outfit.

Maybe it’s my own personal preference for red, white and blue together, but I loved this look Nolan rocked at the end of the episode. Everything is a pastel so it’s not too patriotic either. Poor Nolan, he was only in this episode for a few moments, but he’s super important. Like when he trapped everyone’s favourite English opportunist in her own fashionable lies. I think this week, Nolan deserves an old fashioned, “You go girl”! 

And you know who would join me on that salutation if he had a degree of personality? Jack. So when the series first began, Jack was the local golden boy who was unlucky in love and headed to Haiti to help rebuild and possibly be a missionary; remember, he’s being recruited by a priest. Then Emily shows up, Jack gets all flustered, then heartbroken, then Fauxmanda shows up, Jack gets all twitterpated, then heartbroken, and again tries to leave for Haiti before shit hits the sand (as it were).

You know, I have an idea so crazy it just might work - why doesn’t Jack fly to Haiti?

At any rate, there was a lot of close-ups this week with Jack looking pensive and thoughtful. It was kind of painful, to be honest. I felt like I could hear his brain trying to work out what was happening around him. 

“Blood? Bad. Amanda? Gone. Jack confused” - thank Christ he’s pretty.

Speaking of pretty boys in trouble, Daniel Grayson is going to be doing some hard time on Riker’s Island!

Seriously? I know that’s New York City’s primary prison and exactly where he’d end up, but the way the Judge announced it felt like he was going to the gallows to be publicly hanged. I suppose we can cut Daniel some slack this week for wearing the same dark hoodie until he swaps it for the prison garb inspired by nursing scrubs. If this kid was really going to Riker’s, Emily could rest easy knowing her job was done, because there’s no way he’d survive one day in that place. 

“I say, fellows, when I’m feeling peckish in the evening, who do I ring for some fresh fruit and juice?” - Daniel Grayson’s last words.

Personally, I think he got off easy. Back in The Hamptons after the police station business, he told Emily to walk Sammy so he could snoop under the floorboards. “But he’ll find the box!”, you cry. To which I say, “oh, will he?”, and suddenly the Infinity Box is replaced with some tchotchkes and Emily hovers over to pick up the pieces. Remember the last time someone tampered with the box?

Yeah, Daniel got off easy.

Duress - Part 1 of 2 - Patrick Bateman is not the only American Psycho

After a very booze-soaked holiday (just me?), REVENGE(!!!) is back! The second half of Season One kicked off with Crazy Pants Tyler pulling some serious Fatal Attraction shit. If these people ate, I would have expected to see a bunny boiling on the range. Emily and Nolan are back on friendly terms, Daniel falls more and more pathetically in love, Victoria and Conrad trade insults like two drunk drag queens, and shifty eyes as they meet Amanda Clarke (who’s actually Emily Thorne), while the real Amanda Clarke (who’s playing Emily Thorne) watches with delight. Oh, and everyone forgets that Ashley was sleeping with a murderous psychotic. She’ll be fine, she’s English - stiff upper lip and all that rot, you know.

BOOM. Now this is how you start an episode. What’s that producing team? You knew everyone was craving some serious REVENGE(!!!) action after the holidays? And you knew everyone hated Crazy Pants Tyler? Fantastic. Nothing says a Hamptons Clambake like staring down the barrel of a gun.

Speaking of clambakes, I’ve been to one or two, and they did not have fresh linens, a lavishly decorated tent, or real glasses. But hey, I’m just a reasonably stylish, metropolitan gay man who works in the creative industry. What do I know?

Alright readers, I pose a challenge to you: tell me who creates Daniel’s polos. He clearly has the entire colour range, and I’ve been searching since I saw him wear a lighter blue in previous episodes. Does anyone else pull that trick? Buying multiple items in different colours? Something tells me Daniel just recently started shopping for himself and that his repetitious wardrobe is the result of Victoria dressing her little boy as the poster child for High Hamptons Society. But he sure knows how to fill out a polo, girl. 

You devilish minx, look at you getting all made up before greeting the day. Fabulous. Yes, keep smiling, you are the prettiest girl in Grayson Manor. I can’t say I’m crazy about the embellishment around Victoria’s neck for the white sweater, but DAMN if she doesn’t look sexy in that disco ball inspired dress. The real victory for her this week is not duping Connie into giving her half of the Grayson fortune - it’s wearing those platform heels on beachfront property. Some labourers wear steel-toed boots, but Victoria Grayson wears heels that break ankles.

Sidebar: can we talk about Conrad’s lawyer? Ferocious. I love her dress, I love the colour, and I’m especially taken with bow that’s not really there. I had to keep staring at this one, but the shoulder knot turns this toga wrap into one of those 3D puzzles - keep staring and you’ll find the bear!

OK, so Ashley is played by real life fashion lover, Ashley Madekwe, and every damn week they barely show a full H to T shot of this lovely lady. WTF, ABC? I would have loved to see the aqua micro-mini she’s rocking in this scene but all I can muster a glimpse between a kitchen chair? Hells nah, son. If you read IRL Ashley’s blog, you’ll notice that her own personal style has crept into this character more and more, going from sassy PR maven to sultry industrial design enthusiast. Just look at those bracelets and bangles - I bet she listened to The Smiths in high school. 

Oh look, J.Crew birthed another blonde-haired, blue eyed lady who probably pretends to enjoy gardening! Come on Emily... short pants? I know it’s the summer but you can do so much better. It’s not like this outfit is awful - it’s actually simple and stylish - but your daywear is nothing compared to you evening attire. I suppose I can’t judge her, I wouldn’t want to slip into a form fitting dress that shows off my killer body every day. Actually, I would, who are we kidding?

I’d like to title this photo, “Portrait of a Crazy Pants”. So, enough with the suits dude. Daniel knows how to rock a business casual look - you consistently look like a tool. Apparently when you go off your anti-psychotic medication, your hair gets bigger. Can we judge the level of crazy by the height of Tyler’s pompadour? Right now, he’s verging on Threat Level Buddy Holly and he’s got the Grayson’s by the balls. I’d hate to see him at Threat Level Lyle Lovett.

This week, Nolan was a little off his game, but I’m attributing it to his naive trust in technology. First off all, he doesn’t even have a collar to pop as he shows Emily Tyler’s whereabouts via the Super Spy iPad app. And although we love us a shirtless man ‘round these parts, I wasn’t swooning over Nolan. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to bits, but I like a burly fella (i.e. Jack). Once he does realize that the Tyler problem might not be totally solved, he throws on his best neon polo and thoroughly pops that collar. I love his solution for getting rid of Tyler - “I’ll just gas up a gulfstream and you’ll be here by 9 p.m., OK?”. Christ, that’s decadent.

For a few minutes, we get to slum with the working class as Jack and Amanda flirt over washing clams. You know, a less mature writer would have a field day with clam innuendo... but I’m a lady, assface.

I think I’ve come up with a great study aid for SAT analogies - Jack:Handsome :: Amanda:Trashy. Works, right? Jack, what are you doing with this broad? Does anyone else find it a little unsettling that he and the real Amanda fell in love when they were like 9-years old? When I was 9, I had a crush on Spider-Man. When they were 9, they had fully actualized emotions about another human being and were ready to commit. Something’s not right, yo.

Oh, just in case you weren’t sure how crazy Tyler could be - he’s sitting in the dark waiting for Daniel to come home. I tried to do that once to scare a friend. I gave up after ten minutes and started to drink their beer and watch television. Different strokes, I guess.

Duress - Part 2 of 2 - Alexandra Forrest, meet Crazy Pants Tyler

It wouldn’t be a true episode of Revenge(!!!) without an insult laden conversation between Emily and Victoria. At this point, they’re more than comical - they’re just hilariously over the top.

My point exactly.

So, Tyler’s older brother looks OLD. I mean, in his mid to late thirties. Could Tyler’s mental unbalance be the result of being an accident that no one wanted around? Naw, I mean Tyler can’t be that young, right?

He’s 21!!?!? Excuse me while I go feel old somewhere. Maybe in this whiskey bottle I happen to have on hand, and have been legally able to purchase for the last 8 years. ::sigh::

Oh, what’s that? A popless-collared Nolan caught off guard by a home intruder? Hmm, I wonder who that could be? Certainly no one you’d have to keep an eye on because your iPad wouldn’t possibly lie to you.

Wait, sorry my bad, it was the guy you’ve been monitoring by GPS because he’s a danger to society and has murderous tendencies. Oh, and he’s brought a knife to the party! Well, aren’t you in for quite an afternoon after letting your guard down, Mr. Ross.

A word of advice to all y’all:

Otherwise, this happens:

The only real shots of Charlotte and Declan this week were dismal. I know you can’t see it, but that dress Charlotte is wearing was totally no flattering. It was all bunchy and not in a fun way. This is the girl who rocks a romper on the regular - I don’t get this fashion choice. Maybe to clash with her mom who looks seductively matronly in this silk, floral number? At least you know it’s a real party because Conrad is wearing pastel. Work it out, Connie!

Oh Jack, you salty sea dog. He’s got his pick of the ladies and, as much as I’m loathe to admit it, Fauxmanda is attractive. How did this sad sack go from confirmed bachelor to downtown player? Oh right, the whole “sexy as all hell” thing he’s got going on. As an aside, I’ve bought more henleys and long sleeve waffle print shirts since watching this show than I have in my entire life. Thanks, Jack!

Again, Ashley is a stunner and this is the only full screen shot I could muster. The floor length Bohemian skirt? Amaze. The gold halter? Walking sex. The canary yellow handbag? DEAD. I’ve decided that I need to be friends with Ashley - real life or Hamptons version. I don’t care. But I know I could pound drinks with her for hours.

So, my friend recently started watching Revenge(!!!) after I kept insisting and making him read our recaps on YKYLF. Last night, he ripped through the first three episodes and could not stop gushing over how, “Emily might be the most attractive woman [he's] ever seen”. And we all know it only gets better. For example: LOOK AT THIS DRESS. If that’s not nautical perfection, then I’m a blind man who’s never looked at fashion magazine or boat in my life. Sure, I love the stripes to be a little more bold, but I can’t take away the fact that she is on fire right now.

I also think she’s a witch. Who else can spend an afternoon building a seaweed fire on the beach, and an evening at a clambake and STILL have perfectly straight hair? Witches, that’s who.

Suspicion - Part 3 of 3 - Man Crush City

For the record, Crazypants is not included in my Man Crush list.

It was a rough week to be Daniel. Not only did Tyler seduce his way to a killer commission, but we were all reminded that Emily is taller than Daniel. And that she speaks fluent Japanese. And that his sale tactics include recalling trips to Tokyo Disney, and using his girlfriend’s rack to woo foreign investors. Won’t he be embarrassed when he finds out that Japanese guy is Emily’s Revenge(!!!) Sensei! However, we need to address this blue blazer look. I’m not quite sure if it’s truly is a blue shade, but I don’t care, it’s lovely. Daniel seems to have a knack for pairing dark shirts with lighter blazers, which I appreciate. 

He also has the pectorals of an Olympian which I can also appreciate. As well as his teammates. This is a late Thanksgiving sentiment, but it still counts

And, it reminded me to watch one of my favourite movies of all time - “Top Gun”! 

OK y’all, this is what YKYLFer Ann Foster has been waiting for: The Nolan Lookbook 2011.

First, we see him on the pier as spots Fauxmanda working her charms on poor, naive, shortsighted Jack. The look? Let’s go with Conspirator Casual. I like the cream belt on similarly coloured pants, and I always love me some plaid. Buttoned down to the sexy zone, no less. How coy.

But here my friends, is where I, much like Ann, lost my shit:

Oxford collar. Pinstripe suit. Barbershop inspired shirt. Matching pocket square. And no, your eyes are not deceiving you - A PAISLEY BOWTIE. All of which combine to make Nolan the sexiest man on television this week. Put this fella next to Chuck Bass and let’s see what happens. My guess is a clash of silken fabrics and patterns resulting in myself, and many ladies around the world, gasping at the top of our lungs.

Brava.

Mhmm. Girl, you got the devil in you.

I wish this show was set in Provincetown, and not the Hamptons, because then Nolan would access to more boys instead of settling for Crazypants. I can’t even stand to look at him anymore. I mean, that’s the outfit you bought with Nolan’s credit card? Did you go shopping in a time machine?

“First, when there’s nothing...”

YOU CAN’T EVEN BUY A REAL TANK TOP. Why not ask Declan? Or Jack? They’re running an American Apparel outlet beneath the pub.

So, the Tyler being all, “I sleep with whoever I need to get ahead” schtick is sort of ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I love the (homo)sexual tension, but I just don’t see this weasel faced tool as someone who gets naked. Or touches other people. It would be like watching a mannequin come to life and not look like Kim Cattrall. Girlfriend picked up those bedroom eyes at Ikea.

But I guess it was good enough to convince Ashley.

Seriously, teh best show evar.

Treachery - Part 2 of 2: The Mostly Certifiable

While the others we've showcased have their own set of issues, the following specimens are venturing into territory I like to call: a few sandwiches short of a picnic. That's right. They're losing the plot. They're crazy going slow am I, 6-5-4-3-2-1....switch...

Yes, the previously normal and fun to be around Ashley is spending way too much time with Tyler and has her knickers in a twist. She's totally bitching about her BFF and for no reason I can see other than the dude she's sleeping with doesn't like the BFF. Word to the wise Ashley: Don't pick the mysterious dude over your mysterious friend. But carry on looking lovely while you make questionable choices in men. Love that top and the colour on you is fantastic. Even if it is mildly inappropriate for moving boxes around.

The same can be said for Ashley's employer, Victoria. She also likes to make questionable choices in men (a husband who kills a planeload of people. A security dude who pushes women off of buildings), but always looks so well put together while doing so: 

The red dress and jacket screams compassion and "Hey Friend! I just rushed to your hospital bedside!"  Oh wait. Not so much. 

Also not inspiring any confidence in his sanity is Mr. Crazypants himself, Tyler. 

I'm not sure where he's getting the cash for the tailored suits. That Grayson internship must pay real well. Unfortunately you can't see how shiny his suit is. A less flashy fabric would be nice if you're on a long con to get folks thinking you're Fancy Old Money. 

But the real crazy this week doesn't belong to Tyler. It's all Real Emily.

Oh honey no, you did not just give Nolan the once over like he doesn't know how to dress. Sure he pops his collars. And fine, he's wearing more paisley in one scene than five seasons of Chuck Bass, but you my friend, you are a bumpit away from turning this into Jersey Shore.

It would seem Emily forgot to mention that the local dress code is Classy, not Klassy. 

I'm not sure if it's the guest bikini and the borrowed shirt or if you put roofies in those drinks, but you totally have Jack wrapped around your finger fast. 

And if you're going to raid Emily's closet for new clothes, you should maybe pick a few of her nicer pieces. 

The outfit is not all bad. It's totally normal human being as opposed to Obscenely Wealthy Lady of Mystery. But given the closet and a BFF who's the same size? You always pick the good stuff. 

But Real Emily's mind is elsewhere. Like Single White Female elsewhere.

Clearly Emily needs to learn that if you want someone on plane out of the country, you walk them to the gate and make sure they get on the plane. 

Adding some creepy to their crazy this week? Oh hai Victoria and Tyler!

Your crazy and paranoia are getting scary. But I like it. You keep things fresh in the Hamptons. Even if you are willing to pick through someone's shredding basket.

And with those crack puzzle solving skills of Tyler's, the plot seriously thickens. Emily needs to get that Red Sharpie of Doom in action and fast.