Reckoning - Part 2 of 3 - Collateral Damage

So, who is this White Haired Man, a.k.a. WHM? We know that a) he's very scary, b) he killed Emily's father, and c) is part of some sort of vast conspiracy.

Americon Industries? Golf claps for the subtlety, writers.

Whoever he is, one thing we know about WHM is that he's SUPER KICK-ASS. His outfit is pretty nondescript, which is sort of the point, no? He doesn't want anyone to remember seeing him, what with the assassinations, etc.

When people ask if he had a distinguishing feature, they won't have anything to say! He just blends right into the background... apart from the WHITE HAIR. Which is why he sometimes wears a hat - for realsies, I didn't recognize him in his Airport Worker Guy outfit until he dramatically removed his hat.

He's the first opponent truly worthy of going up against Emily (other than Revenge[!!!] Sensei, obvs). It takes him 0.00005 seconds to notice that she's bugged the hell out of Grayson Industries.

Who watches the watcher? WHM!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I did a little googling of the guy who plays WHM and learned two extremely interesting things. 1) He is a yoga instructor, which is terrifying and exciting, because I like to think he secretly teaches assassin moves in his yoga class! and 2) he used to perform in something called Satan's Wild Animal Circus of Agony. I couldn't not tell you guys this info, because, OBVIOUSLY.]

Anywhoodle, it turns out that WHM killed David Clarke, kidnapped Nolan AND, worst of all, HE TOTALLY STOLE THE RED SHARPIE OF DOOM!!

He's undoubtedly using his yoga/circus of agony skillz on Nolan in this image:

Poor Nolan, FOR SERIOUS. How many times has he been attacked/ stabbed/ shot/ kidnapped/ tortured so far this season? I hope he gets some serious counselling for PTSD over the summer hiatus.

You know that old advice, to always wear good underwear in case you get hit by a car, or whatever? Nolan's interpretation of this seems to be to always wear clown socks, because you never know:

Seriously. Check out his Wicked Witch of the East socks and clown shoes. I bet that's how he kept his spirits up during captivity, just looking down at his feet would cheer him up.

Proof that he's Emily's BFF and best soldier? After she frees him, he only stops to throw on a coat before heading out to do her bidding.

OK, it's a jaunty nautical peacoat, and it looks like he also put on a few checkered, collared shirts. But proof he went directly from WHM's prison to here? Same shoes.

EPIC SHOES.

These shoes caused YKYLF staffer L-A to gasp aloud at her TV, "Sweet shoes, Nolan!" And, I would like to mention, he's still wearing the candycane socks. Love. Him.

Post-kidnapping, he's back to his usual steez in these RED PANTS:

Those pants were made to STRUT, and that's just what's he's'a'gonna do.

The rest of this ensemble includes, but is not limited to, a navy blazer with white piping; argyle sweater vest, blue patterned shirt (collar down- no time for shenanigans), aaaand red pocket square.

Is he matching the red accents to the red welts on his face? I wouldn't put it past him. This man is the definition of a nattily dressed gentleman.

 

Also looking 'licious this week was the always flawless Lydia. You saw her prowling around with Conrad in part 1 of this recap. Here's the sexy back of that red show-stopper:

Know how I know she's perf for Connie? Like him, her definition of casualwear is identical to that of formalwear. Have we ever seen her in anything less than a cocktail dress? Even when she was convalescing from that whole falling-on-a-taxi thing, she was always dressed to the nines.

She almost totally takes the trophy for best-dressed in this BEYOND AMAZATRONS emerald green drapey number: 

The neckline? The latticework belt? I die. I DIE.

Here's the back:

Full-length view:

More Salvatore Ferragamo...

And here she is, giving a perfect demonstration of the trademark Revenge (!!!) sad/mad over-the-shoulder hug:

RIP, Lyds. Much as I love her (and her fashion!), I really can't see that she'll be coming back for Season 2. She used up most of her nine lives surviving falling out of that window (unscathed, naturally). I mean, OK, the news reporter only said that "the flight manifest included Victoria Grayson," which means they didn't find any bodies yet.

But if one fancy lady is coming back from the dead, my money's on Queen V, not Princess L.

 

Speaking of Best Frenemies, remember when Emily and Ashley used to not hate each other? When did that friendship break down? Was it just because they both finally realized they were both fake and didn't actually care about anything other than forwarding their own Revengendas (Ashley's - to become rich; Emily's - to avenge her father)?

In any case, Ashley gets an ultra-rare allllmost full body shot in this episode. Juuuust enough screentime to make me want her olive green dress SO BAD:

Complicating our issues with seeing her entire outfit is how Ashley tends to wear her hair down, covering most of the front of her dresses. This one has a really neat, geometrical neckline, but you'd never know because her gorgeous hair is covering it up.

Still, this dress + what looks like a skinny leopard print belt? KILLING IT.

Ash goes to visit Daniel later on, and gets the usual "blink and you'll miss it" screentime. However, this plum colour looks fabulous on her, and I'm intrigued by the beaded detailing on her quilted jacket:

She then joins Daniel for an evil sip of Grayson whisky. This scene was very mysterious to me - it could be seen as the two of them flirting towards an eventual hook-up OR (my theory) Ash is secretly Conrad's love child! And she's Daniel's half-sister!

Seriously, could anyone but a Grayson sip whisky in this sort of evil manner?

Oh, and her turquoise manicure? KILLING. IT.

Emily's other fake BFF makes a surprise appearance back in town. In true soap operatical fashion, Fake!Amanda is obviously pregs.

Love this shot. Jack's expression is totally, "OMFG What have I done??" while Fake!Amanda's all "JACK PORTER, YOU *ARE* THE FATHER!"

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

But seriously, does anybody really think that this show - of all shows - would make the plotline as simple as Fake!Amanda being knocked up with her BF's baby? This is a woman who spent the past 6 months with REVENGE (!!!) SENSEI. She's either pregnant with Sensei's Baby, or some other random, or just a pillow (and Jack's too trusting to ever check under her fug, tie-dye tee to make sure).

Although, it will be interesting to see how Fake!Amanda's planning to dress now that it's winter and she's pregnant. Don't tell me she'll be running around in cutoffs and Jack's old shirts anymore BECAUSE I CAN'T HANDLE THAT AGAIN.

Oh, and Jack had some sort of plotline I don't really remember, about giving back a million-dollar check to Daniel. I have no memory of Daniel giving Jack this check. Was it to get him to stay away from Emily? No idea.

Jack, like every other person on this show, dresses in a navy peacoat. Whoever runs the Hamptons Peacoat Shoppe is making out like a bandit this winter, for reals.

However, in the battle of Emily's kind-of BFs and their winterwear, Jack's cozy blue sweater is way better than Daniel's oatmeal shawl-collar. 

Why? Because Jack understands sweaters aren't supposed to be worn skin-tight. Also, Emily was running around this episode in a variety of loose-fitting sweaters so he MATCHES HER which means they're SOULMATES and I have no idea when I turned into such a Jack/Emily 'shipper, but apparently I am now.

And not just because Nolan's the President of the JEm fanclub.

Another couple ripped apart by manipulations is Eric Not Der Woodsen and Vanessa Notbrams here.

Again with the boring, unaccessorized uniforms. I know you're busy studying or whatever, but everybody's got time for style. STEP IT UP, TEENS.

Wearing another one of Nolan's hand-me-down bomber jackets doesn't count as stepping it up, Declan.

But nice try, marblemouth.

Perception - Part 3 of 3 - There are no small parts

These folks may not be on screen long, but they're either helping to bring the dramz or the style.

Poor Ashley has been under-utilized since her boyfriend lost his shit and threatened everyone, including her boss, with a gun. But I appreciate that she's keeping that stiff upper lip and killer sense of style. Because this colour is amazeballs on her.

Again with the teal. Revenge (!!!) costume department, it's a good thing I like that colour and it seems to suit almost the entire cast (although props to y'all for the consistent use of colour throughout the episode. Don't think we aren't appreciating your attention to detail).

But it wasn't just the colour of the dress that knocked it out of the park. Oh no. It was the seriously fantastic colourblocking.

What up, dream dress! You might be questioning your loyalty to Queen V, Ashley, but your loyalty to style never waivers. I hope your storyline gets as awesome as your dresses and soon. Or rubs off on the others. Because Mr. American Apparel needs some help.

The endless supply of v-neck tees around the bar is one thing, but he needs to rethink what he's wearing to the lovely dinners and parties that Ashley works so hard to plan for Victoria.

"Oh hey, Grandpa! Meet my adorable boyfriend! He's a petite, but he likes to shop in the Big and Tall section."

And going rogue, but sticking to her questionable sense of Coyote Ugly style is Fauxmanda.

"You want the skshtruth, Jack? Schyou can't schandle the sckshtruth!" 

Man oh man. That girl and her real feelings for Jack. Again with the feelings and the ruining of all Emily's carefully plotted plans to ruin everyone's lives! Why can't y'all just let her take everyone down in peace? And why did one of you have to steal the Infinity Box from the floor? Ems is going to be awake all night with some serious anxiety.

Creepiest. RSVP. Evar. But welcome back, Red Sharpie of Doom, we missed you!

Treachery - Part 2 of 2: The Mostly Certifiable

While the others we've showcased have their own set of issues, the following specimens are venturing into territory I like to call: a few sandwiches short of a picnic. That's right. They're losing the plot. They're crazy going slow am I, 6-5-4-3-2-1....switch...

Yes, the previously normal and fun to be around Ashley is spending way too much time with Tyler and has her knickers in a twist. She's totally bitching about her BFF and for no reason I can see other than the dude she's sleeping with doesn't like the BFF. Word to the wise Ashley: Don't pick the mysterious dude over your mysterious friend. But carry on looking lovely while you make questionable choices in men. Love that top and the colour on you is fantastic. Even if it is mildly inappropriate for moving boxes around.

The same can be said for Ashley's employer, Victoria. She also likes to make questionable choices in men (a husband who kills a planeload of people. A security dude who pushes women off of buildings), but always looks so well put together while doing so: 

The red dress and jacket screams compassion and "Hey Friend! I just rushed to your hospital bedside!"  Oh wait. Not so much. 

Also not inspiring any confidence in his sanity is Mr. Crazypants himself, Tyler. 

I'm not sure where he's getting the cash for the tailored suits. That Grayson internship must pay real well. Unfortunately you can't see how shiny his suit is. A less flashy fabric would be nice if you're on a long con to get folks thinking you're Fancy Old Money. 

But the real crazy this week doesn't belong to Tyler. It's all Real Emily.

Oh honey no, you did not just give Nolan the once over like he doesn't know how to dress. Sure he pops his collars. And fine, he's wearing more paisley in one scene than five seasons of Chuck Bass, but you my friend, you are a bumpit away from turning this into Jersey Shore.

It would seem Emily forgot to mention that the local dress code is Classy, not Klassy. 

I'm not sure if it's the guest bikini and the borrowed shirt or if you put roofies in those drinks, but you totally have Jack wrapped around your finger fast. 

And if you're going to raid Emily's closet for new clothes, you should maybe pick a few of her nicer pieces. 

The outfit is not all bad. It's totally normal human being as opposed to Obscenely Wealthy Lady of Mystery. But given the closet and a BFF who's the same size? You always pick the good stuff. 

But Real Emily's mind is elsewhere. Like Single White Female elsewhere.

Clearly Emily needs to learn that if you want someone on plane out of the country, you walk them to the gate and make sure they get on the plane. 

Adding some creepy to their crazy this week? Oh hai Victoria and Tyler!

Your crazy and paranoia are getting scary. But I like it. You keep things fresh in the Hamptons. Even if you are willing to pick through someone's shredding basket.

And with those crack puzzle solving skills of Tyler's, the plot seriously thickens. Emily needs to get that Red Sharpie of Doom in action and fast. 

Charade - Part 2 of 3 - The enemies of Emily

Jeez, a girl sets out to destroy a few dozen lives and suddenly everybody's rooting against her? There have only been 7 episodes, how does she have so many enemies already?

Starting with Intense Security Guy Frank, who's half out to AVENGE (!!) his layoff from the Graysons and half out to win the heart of Victoria. Here's his look when Emily finds him chillaxing in her casa: rumpled suit (like he hasn't changed since Queen V broke his heart & fired him) and oversized firearm (borrowed from Emily).

He's like a dog with a bone, sensing that something's off about Emily and checking under every rock to find out what it is. I wonder how he managed to track down this strip club... could it be the neon stripper silhouette added to the side of this otherwise-innocuous building? (Note, he's still wearing the same rumpled suit - has he even taken a bathroom break in his failed quest?)

And it is under that same glowing neon stripper that Frank finally meets his maker... or does he? Seriously, though, when Real Emily Thorne was like "Did you tell anybody else about me? No? OK, meet me in the parking lot in one hour," that he was obviously about to get a crowbar to the skull from THE NOXZEMA GIRL!

Seriously. Did you not think of The Noxema Girl once we saw Real Emily Thorn out of her stripper wig? On the left, Real Emily Thorn. On the right, Rebecca Gayheart before the whole vehicular homicide thing, and before she married McSteamy:

Whether you see the comparison or not, I cover Real Emily's curls. How does she think the blond wig is better stripper hair? When I was writing the mini-recap I gave best-dressed honours to Real Emily's sassy stripper-cop outfit. I do still think it's fab, but upon re-watching, I may have to change my mind... stay tuned for the next part for deets.

Anyway, here's Real Emily in her stripperific glory. Don't you think she's kind of an overdressed stripper? Like, I don't know how she plans to strip out of that bodysuit in any sort of graceful manner.

Anyway, after she TOTALLY MURDERS FRANK, she shows up on Emily's doorstep looking all wholesome and sweet in this stripey tee. Why did I put her in the "enemies" category? Well, I don't think she's making a social call on her ex-roommie. Frank told her that Emily's dating the son of a multi-billionaire, and I think Real Emily's out for some hush-hush money.

I also think the Hamptons are going to get even awesomer now that she's in town. MURDER STRIPPER!

Declan makes a surprise appearance in the enemies category, too. Why is he so obsessed with having Emily get together with Jack? Why does he think Emily led Jack on? Why is he wearing so many silver rings?

Seriously. That's like three rings in one hand. He really should have taken Charlotte up on her offer to dress him. Remember? When she went to talk to him on the oyster-shucking pier, she offered him a bag of clothes and he refused.

I understand if you forgot that scene, it happened in front of the world's worst greenscreen harbourfront "special" "effect":

"I am totes really on a pier! Look at the water and ships behind me! Also, those were not at all somebody else's hands shucking the oyster! I am an actor of many talents!"

And what's a discussion of Emily's many enemies without mentioning that festering wound of skeevetastic annoyance, Tyler "eyeballs like dartboards for THE SHARPIE OF DOOM" McAwfulstein. Here is, modelling the latest nautical wear for psychotic douchelords:

And then here he is, just hangin' out all relaxed and shizz in his purple polo and aviators:

Oh, sorry, did I say he was looking relaxed here? Rather, he's demonstrating how by clenching every muscle in his body, he's able to keep from reaching over and murdering Daniel and Emily, so undisguised is his hatred of both of them.

He's still got this purple polo on later, when blackmail-time turns into sexytimes chez Nolan:

And now Tyler's sucked Ashley into his Web Of Douchery. Or, maybe she was always an asshole and we just never noticed before. She's always been well-dressed, but now we learn that she's only working for the Graysons as Step One in a pretty stupid plan to become rich herself.

Whatevs, her shoes here are ferosh and I love her separates. This is how you do classic American sportswear.

Those shoes are OFF THE HOOK. If your party planner shows up looking like this, watch your back, is what I learned this week.

This look is cute, but I'm distracted by a) how she can hold hands with Tyler without vomiting, and b) what's that splash of yellow behind them?

Why, it's the brightest dressed extra EVER! This lady was seriously in the background of this ENTIRE SCENE and I kind of love her.

When it turns out in the season finale that this lady is the one who shot Daniel? I reserve the right to say "told you so." Because why else would they make one extra stand out this much? Or maybe she's the costume designer, and she chose her own outfit - knowing how much it would stand out - and she just snuck onto the set. Who knows? Just a little extra slice of awesome in this week's mega-awesome-overload episode.

What were we talking about? Oh, right, the suddenly-maybe-evil Ashley. And her cute party dress.

Actually, it's not even that cute. Maybe turning suddenly evil makes you lose your fashion sense.