Reckoning - Part 2 of 3 - Collateral Damage

So, who is this White Haired Man, a.k.a. WHM? We know that a) he's very scary, b) he killed Emily's father, and c) is part of some sort of vast conspiracy.

Americon Industries? Golf claps for the subtlety, writers.

Whoever he is, one thing we know about WHM is that he's SUPER KICK-ASS. His outfit is pretty nondescript, which is sort of the point, no? He doesn't want anyone to remember seeing him, what with the assassinations, etc.

When people ask if he had a distinguishing feature, they won't have anything to say! He just blends right into the background... apart from the WHITE HAIR. Which is why he sometimes wears a hat - for realsies, I didn't recognize him in his Airport Worker Guy outfit until he dramatically removed his hat.

He's the first opponent truly worthy of going up against Emily (other than Revenge[!!!] Sensei, obvs). It takes him 0.00005 seconds to notice that she's bugged the hell out of Grayson Industries.

Who watches the watcher? WHM!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I did a little googling of the guy who plays WHM and learned two extremely interesting things. 1) He is a yoga instructor, which is terrifying and exciting, because I like to think he secretly teaches assassin moves in his yoga class! and 2) he used to perform in something called Satan's Wild Animal Circus of Agony. I couldn't not tell you guys this info, because, OBVIOUSLY.]

Anywhoodle, it turns out that WHM killed David Clarke, kidnapped Nolan AND, worst of all, HE TOTALLY STOLE THE RED SHARPIE OF DOOM!!

He's undoubtedly using his yoga/circus of agony skillz on Nolan in this image:

Poor Nolan, FOR SERIOUS. How many times has he been attacked/ stabbed/ shot/ kidnapped/ tortured so far this season? I hope he gets some serious counselling for PTSD over the summer hiatus.

You know that old advice, to always wear good underwear in case you get hit by a car, or whatever? Nolan's interpretation of this seems to be to always wear clown socks, because you never know:

Seriously. Check out his Wicked Witch of the East socks and clown shoes. I bet that's how he kept his spirits up during captivity, just looking down at his feet would cheer him up.

Proof that he's Emily's BFF and best soldier? After she frees him, he only stops to throw on a coat before heading out to do her bidding.

OK, it's a jaunty nautical peacoat, and it looks like he also put on a few checkered, collared shirts. But proof he went directly from WHM's prison to here? Same shoes.

EPIC SHOES.

These shoes caused YKYLF staffer L-A to gasp aloud at her TV, "Sweet shoes, Nolan!" And, I would like to mention, he's still wearing the candycane socks. Love. Him.

Post-kidnapping, he's back to his usual steez in these RED PANTS:

Those pants were made to STRUT, and that's just what's he's'a'gonna do.

The rest of this ensemble includes, but is not limited to, a navy blazer with white piping; argyle sweater vest, blue patterned shirt (collar down- no time for shenanigans), aaaand red pocket square.

Is he matching the red accents to the red welts on his face? I wouldn't put it past him. This man is the definition of a nattily dressed gentleman.

 

Also looking 'licious this week was the always flawless Lydia. You saw her prowling around with Conrad in part 1 of this recap. Here's the sexy back of that red show-stopper:

Know how I know she's perf for Connie? Like him, her definition of casualwear is identical to that of formalwear. Have we ever seen her in anything less than a cocktail dress? Even when she was convalescing from that whole falling-on-a-taxi thing, she was always dressed to the nines.

She almost totally takes the trophy for best-dressed in this BEYOND AMAZATRONS emerald green drapey number: 

The neckline? The latticework belt? I die. I DIE.

Here's the back:

Full-length view:

More Salvatore Ferragamo...

And here she is, giving a perfect demonstration of the trademark Revenge (!!!) sad/mad over-the-shoulder hug:

RIP, Lyds. Much as I love her (and her fashion!), I really can't see that she'll be coming back for Season 2. She used up most of her nine lives surviving falling out of that window (unscathed, naturally). I mean, OK, the news reporter only said that "the flight manifest included Victoria Grayson," which means they didn't find any bodies yet.

But if one fancy lady is coming back from the dead, my money's on Queen V, not Princess L.

 

Speaking of Best Frenemies, remember when Emily and Ashley used to not hate each other? When did that friendship break down? Was it just because they both finally realized they were both fake and didn't actually care about anything other than forwarding their own Revengendas (Ashley's - to become rich; Emily's - to avenge her father)?

In any case, Ashley gets an ultra-rare allllmost full body shot in this episode. Juuuust enough screentime to make me want her olive green dress SO BAD:

Complicating our issues with seeing her entire outfit is how Ashley tends to wear her hair down, covering most of the front of her dresses. This one has a really neat, geometrical neckline, but you'd never know because her gorgeous hair is covering it up.

Still, this dress + what looks like a skinny leopard print belt? KILLING IT.

Ash goes to visit Daniel later on, and gets the usual "blink and you'll miss it" screentime. However, this plum colour looks fabulous on her, and I'm intrigued by the beaded detailing on her quilted jacket:

She then joins Daniel for an evil sip of Grayson whisky. This scene was very mysterious to me - it could be seen as the two of them flirting towards an eventual hook-up OR (my theory) Ash is secretly Conrad's love child! And she's Daniel's half-sister!

Seriously, could anyone but a Grayson sip whisky in this sort of evil manner?

Oh, and her turquoise manicure? KILLING. IT.

Emily's other fake BFF makes a surprise appearance back in town. In true soap operatical fashion, Fake!Amanda is obviously pregs.

Love this shot. Jack's expression is totally, "OMFG What have I done??" while Fake!Amanda's all "JACK PORTER, YOU *ARE* THE FATHER!"

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

But seriously, does anybody really think that this show - of all shows - would make the plotline as simple as Fake!Amanda being knocked up with her BF's baby? This is a woman who spent the past 6 months with REVENGE (!!!) SENSEI. She's either pregnant with Sensei's Baby, or some other random, or just a pillow (and Jack's too trusting to ever check under her fug, tie-dye tee to make sure).

Although, it will be interesting to see how Fake!Amanda's planning to dress now that it's winter and she's pregnant. Don't tell me she'll be running around in cutoffs and Jack's old shirts anymore BECAUSE I CAN'T HANDLE THAT AGAIN.

Oh, and Jack had some sort of plotline I don't really remember, about giving back a million-dollar check to Daniel. I have no memory of Daniel giving Jack this check. Was it to get him to stay away from Emily? No idea.

Jack, like every other person on this show, dresses in a navy peacoat. Whoever runs the Hamptons Peacoat Shoppe is making out like a bandit this winter, for reals.

However, in the battle of Emily's kind-of BFs and their winterwear, Jack's cozy blue sweater is way better than Daniel's oatmeal shawl-collar. 

Why? Because Jack understands sweaters aren't supposed to be worn skin-tight. Also, Emily was running around this episode in a variety of loose-fitting sweaters so he MATCHES HER which means they're SOULMATES and I have no idea when I turned into such a Jack/Emily 'shipper, but apparently I am now.

And not just because Nolan's the President of the JEm fanclub.

Another couple ripped apart by manipulations is Eric Not Der Woodsen and Vanessa Notbrams here.

Again with the boring, unaccessorized uniforms. I know you're busy studying or whatever, but everybody's got time for style. STEP IT UP, TEENS.

Wearing another one of Nolan's hand-me-down bomber jackets doesn't count as stepping it up, Declan.

But nice try, marblemouth.

Grief - Part 2 of 2 - Pound The Alarm

Wait a minute - this is the guy that’s striking fear into the hearts of our Revengers (!!!)? I’m sure he’s connected to some evil corporation that’s got fingers in pies on a LOST-like scale, but I can’t look at this guy without thinking of that awful Jet Li movie from 2001 where our White Haired Man played Jet Li’s BFF. Totes Hilar. Also, that blue is not discreet. That's like... Accountant Azul.

Though it was only visible for a moment, Nolan’s gingerbread sweater fetish was in full swing this week. You have to hand it to the Revenge wardrobe department - they consistently find the right sweater shirt combo that would make most people say, “oh hell no”. The colours are spot on matches and our love for Nolan Ross deepens a little further. 

OK, now that Emily and Nolan have tracked the White Haired Man, she’s slipped into her G.I. Joe garb complete with knife/boot accessory. Like ZZ Top said, she’s got legs and she knows how to use them.

In the background of the in-your-face dramz this week, there was an even more emotional storyline happening. True moment: I read the synopsis for the show and it said, “Jack and Emily deal with a devastating loss”. Naturally, I figured Sammy would be the dying character... but it still didn’t steel me enough against the sadness. Like, ALL the sadness. Jack doesn’t change out of this grey sweater it seems but can you blame him?

Yup, not suspicious at all, Emz. I’m impressed that you were conscious enough to put on make-up before you went a’stalking. What else can I say here? Black shoes, shirt, coat, pants, gloves - girl is ready for a B’n’E like it’s her job.

Man, Aunt Carol just has a way of showing up, huh? Nolan obviously didn’t get his sense of style from her. What is with that scarf? It looks like a peacock was crushed by a cartoon safe. Plus, she’s wearing it in that mom-ish way. You know, the way that was trendy about 7 years ago? Also, just throwing this out there - if she says she’s Emily’s mother at the end of the series, I’m out.

Nolan? With a ‘stache? Well, I shouldn’t complain, at least it’s a disguise. We’re back to the Revenge (!!!) we all know and love: over the top situations that can be resolved using wigs and coveralls.

Since Nolan did a big boy job on fooling the White Haired Man, he celebrated by calling Emily in his most inspired sweater yet. Take a gander at them colours y’all. It’s all about the pastel colours. On the left, he’s added a grey blazer with pink pocket square which is totally swoon worthy. On the right, Nolan’s rocking Casual Friday with not one, but two under-sweater shirts. Please don’t stop the music, yo. 

Oh yes. When I have a son and want to use him as a pawn to ruin my ex-husband’s life, I’m totally going to walk around in this little number. Elegant as always, I’m saying this only one time: Victoria Grayson is the Bette Davis for 2012 (on a primetime network television drama). She’s ruthless, sexy, hilarious, quick and she’ll step on your neck. All while looking flaw free. 

Quick note: since Charlotte can’t stand her family, and caught her boyfriend with a strange girl, she’s rang up her dealer. Odd that he runs his business out of a lopsided lair like old Batman villains.

While Charlotte is travelling down the sad path to relapse alone, Jack and Emily are huddled around poor Sammy. Real moment time: I wept over this scene. The emotions. Jack’s crying. Emily’s a wreck. Then the sad music with the puppy footage? I mean, why didn’t you just throw salt in my eyes, ABC? Heartbreaking. 

And just so we’re all ruining the edges of our seats for another week, they end with a shot like this.

COME ON. Next week is our last episode and recapped by none other than our Revenge (!!!) Editor, Ann! See you then, bitches.

Legacy - Part 2 of 2 - The Plottings

Oh the what that went down in 2002. Trash talkin', Declan accented, bar fightin', juvie alum Amanda is just a party and a tattoo away from beginning on the path of ABR (Always Be Revenging). But before we could meet her a classy lady (or femme fatale?) Emily, this is how she spent her evenings:

Ass grabbing dates and fish net stockings.

The sheer back is a far cry from her classy dresses that send us into a tizzy. I don't remember outfits like Emily's back in the day.

But this guy? Yeah. That happened.

Totally a night at the Roxbury.

What is love. Baby don't hurt him. Don't hurt him, no more.

Or hit him with a toilet seat. Whatevs.

You know she was tough because she was all about the heavy makeup and the leather back then.

Then again, it seems everyone was into the leather back then. It's all Nolan wore. And brace yourselves: 2002 Nolan is not the Nolan we know now.

The slick hair? No colour? Nary a popped collar in sight? I spy the polo, but he hasn't figured out he needs to pop it like its hot yet.

Even when he changes the jacket, he barely shakes it up by switching the style of leather.

Fur lined, puffy winter leather.

A slightly slicker brown leather.

I think my vote is on biker jacket Nolan. I'd like to see more of that. A different shirt from the black polo and he could have been rocker Nolan.

On her visit back to the Hamptons to read through the journals and spy on the Graysons, Amanda is pretty much all leather jacket all the time as she orders vodka and tonic, hold the tonic.

The scarf is really the only way she changes it up. And not unlike 2012, Sammy is the only one who recognizes her.

That's okay, because I'm surprised anyone could recognize Jack back then with his horrible Dan Humphrey-esque hair.

Holy Eddie Vedder Batman! It really is best to leave that look to the grunge rock gods.

Actually, the bad hair is kind of multifaceted. One minute it's Eddie Vedderiffic, the next it's extra on Freaks and Geeks.

Regardless of the look, there is one thing I think we can all agree on: that is some mothereffing bad hair.

That's the kind of hair that gives hairdressers and barbers everywhere bad dreams. I love me a good flashback, but I hope we don't have to suffer through that hair again.

We need something to take our minds off of it. How about some Li'l Declan??

Awwww....adorbs! And still dressing like American Apparel is the only store on earth. Some things never change. (Although...how old is he here? Charlotte isn't born yet and they're in high school together...what?).

Fortunately for all of us, the puffy vest trends of the mid-to-late 90s and I guess early 2000s (some dads take a few years to catch the trend) has fallen by the wayside.

Oh poor Mr. Porter. We hardly knew ye or the reason you moved your kids into an apartment above a bar. We certainly didn't know Nolan had bought your land to build his gigantico mansion. 

The other thing we didn't know about before this flashback? Jack totes had a girlfriend. She seemed all normal and well-adjusted. Boring. But well-adjusted.

Of course, that's until she went macking on Nolan because she and Jack want different things.

Lady, for someone with wordly dreams, that top does not scream "I want to get out of Montauk."

Now, before Emily came to town all mysterious like, there was a time when the rich and famous avoided mingling with the riff raff. Queen V must long for those days. Although, she probably doesn't long for her dependence on a hair straightener.

Far too Cher-esque and not nearly as nice as her soft curls these days. Besides, it's easier to convince people you're not totally evil when your hair is pretty (pro-tip from the Hamptons).

But it would appear 2002 was a time of harsh hair and lots of animal skins. In addition to all the leather we've already seen, Lyds was totally rocking the fur and a really tight hairdo.

I think Victoria was trying to soften her look with her outfits instead of with her hair. Which is maybe why she chose this cream coloured blouse of questionable fabric.

So. Un. Victoria.

I know Vic. I know. That blouse is cray. I bet you burned all evidence of it. Although it didn't look too horrible when worn with a coat.

Not as awesome as her 2012 winter collection, but less awful than when it's on it's own.

Two men time forgot are Conrad and Frank. Their style didn't really change too much.

Well, maybe the ties got better. But that's about it. I'm a wee bit disappointed he didn't play up the era and do the tone on tone tie/shirt combo that Regis made so popular. Dudes were still doing that in 2002, weren't they?

And I will give him minor snaps for dropping the polo + blazer combo in favour of today's oxford shirt + blazer as casual wear.

That polo does him no favours.

It's funny, 2002 Frank had better ties than Conrad.

Oh Frank. Poor schemey Frank. I wish there was a way you weren't really dead, because I sort of miss you. Even if you did wear the same outfit for this entire episode.

Because only you would kill a man in his boss' pool house tub and make it look like a suicide. Tyler wishes he was half as devious as you back when he was still alive.

And because flashbacks have flashbacks (you see! Inception!), we get to see Victoria's white silk dress of treachery again.

I can't tell why she's so sad. Because she's about to send her lover up the river, because his daughter caught her or because she wore that dress in the rain. Either way...

But those sads aren't going to get you far with Emily. Because while she may be rocking the bangs and wearing plain t-shirts from the Gap in public...

She's just one tattoo away from bringing all y'all down.

Let the Revenging (!!!) begin!

Absolution - Part 2 of 3 - The Boys in the Band

If Conrad Grayson has one thing going for him, it’s that he can pull off the one-button blazer look convincingly. The button is even gold and I still believe it. Naturally, I’m repulsed that he’s even wearing this 90s Wall Street era piece, but it’s a genuine repulsion which, as a writer, I’m comforted by.

Unbuttoned, it doesn’t look so bad. We’ll just add it to your ever-growing Wall of Shame, you bland, uninspired backdrop of a character. I don’t even know what’s going on here because I can’t take my eyes off Queen Vic’s ruffles. They’re so... ruffle-y.

Conrad did fit the bill for all the soapy dramz this week. His study was a perfect setting, too. Dark. Surrounded by windows. Brimming with brandy. And the double doors add the right amount of dramatic tension when it’s time to tell secrets!

But enough about that fool - ain’t nobody got time for that! Because we’re all clearly waiting for Nolan.

I have to say, I’m not in love with this sweater-shirt combo. I can appreciate a good winter sweater with the wacky gingerbread house print. There’s something about cold weather that suspends all you hold dear in terms of acceptable prints. But mixing with a checked shirt? I’m surprised at you, Nolan.

Oh, and this little number. A tracksuit jacket? With little to no collar to speak of? What the hell, dude? Is everything OK? Is there, I don’t know, something from your past that you’re trying to desperately conceal from Emily so it doesn’t blow up in your face and ruin everything?

Huh, look at that. A shotgun wielding aunt who just happens to be the one person who can exonerate David Clarke’s name and put Conrad behind bars. OK, I suppose I can forgive the whole track jacket thing.

There it is! For a minute, I thought winter would defeat Mr. Ross but he always manages to pull it together in the end. The sweater vest is fine, and I’m reassured with the popped collar, but it’s the pants y’all. Oh, those glorious pants. Brown and orange mixed in an almost seersucker fashion? Just take it to the bank, son. 

While Nolan hangs out on the bar, Jack and Declan have a serious “we’re kind of poor” moment since Charlotte’s threatened to cut off Dec’s school tuition. But who cares when your Rich Uncle Nolan can make a phone call to fix that? 

Umm by the way, the little hug Nolan gives Jack before leaving? Adorable. So adorable, in fact, that I’m pretty sure that’s a wistful smile Jack’s throwing down. Bromances are brewin’!

Hopefully Jack doesn’t get himself killed in the meantime. Like I said earlier, he’s pretty open about owning that bloody sweatshirt. And moving Tyler’s body. And when your only “witness” is the concussed guy who just got off for murder, I wouldn’t feel so secure. But at least Jack knows how to rock the winter look. No more hoodies as coats for you! 

Justice - Part 2 of 2 - Things just got real

And speaking of cliché outfits. What the hell, Nolan?

It would seem that there is a dress code if you wish to fraternize with random hotel staff in small towns across New England. Isn’t it a bit early for ironic Christmas sweaters?

At least we know the front desk clerk got the memo to dress the part of scheming minion.

There were also a lot of vests happening this episode.  I don’t mind this one:

... But this one looks like it’s leather. Which, no matter what kind of Burberry dress shirt you might be sporting underneath, is never ok. Unless you are a 300lb biker dude named Tiny and your Harley is parked out back. And if that’s the case? Then I am not going to interfere with that.

I have to say, I was pretty disappointed with Emily’s wardrobe this episode. Pretty boring really. The one exception is her killer coat

Seriously. That collar is amazing. Also, how come nobody in real life ever looks that good in a winter coat? I’m from Canada. It gets cold here. I would wear a potato sack if I thought it would keep me warm. All this fashionable outerwear just makes me feel like I’ve been doing something wrong for all this time.

And then there’s Charlotte.

Oh honey. The burgeoning pill addiction, terrorist father, golden-child brother, estranged half sister- it’s a Lifetime movie in the making really.

More GUESS by Marciano...

I guess if you’re going to be pimped out by your own mother, you might as well look smoking hot while doing it. Well- kind of. I’ll give an A for effort here. The short, tight bandage dress is a page right out of the Victoria Grayson playbook circa the beginning of this season. And the fur coat? Pure stripper with a heart of gold. Declan does seem to be enjoying it. After all it has been 58 days since they last spoke…

Up close.

The back view.

Honorable mention for this episode goes to the return of the whale cam.  Where does one purchase one of those things anyway?

What. You wish you could Revenge (!!!) like me.

I predict things will start to get real interesting real quick. Will Daniel be acquitted? Is he off the wagon? Will Jack ever wear something other than plaid?

Only time will tell.