Revenge: Identity

Dear Revenge(!!!) — You know we've been your fans from the beginning. However, somewhere between The Initiative, Extremely Boring Padma, and the Jack's Bar Plotline, you kinda lost your mojo. We're still hanging in for Emily's perfect waves, Nolan's fashionz and Connie and Queen V's one-liners. But until you return to season 1 level awesomeness (which we know you can!), we'll be giving you short recaps.  — xoxo, YKYLF.

This week was mainly about catching everyone up with winter in The Hamps which basically means the same old scheming — but now with outerwear! Nolan's out of jail, Emily's got her sights set on The Falcon, Conrad's political campaign is running (somehow) full steam (despite his complete evilness) and Ashley is either working with him...or not. Who knows with that girl? But the main events this week were a) Red Sharpie'ing The Falcon, b) Emily agreeing to marry Daniel again, and c) Victoria deciding to use Nolan to track down her firstborn son, Patrick.

Your Weekly Nolan

Let's begin with the strengths of this show, shall we? Nolan is indisputably Revenge's breakout star, and a large part of that is his apparel. Like these Jimmy Choo penny loafers:

He may be mourning his extremely boring dead girlfriend, but that doesn't stop him from coordinating his footwear with his shirt. 

And then when he ventured to Brooklyn to face off with The Falcon, he went full Ryan-Gosling-in-Drive:

Except with arcade gaming rather than, you know, brutally murdering people in elevators.

Worst Relationship Regression

So, Emily's engaged to Daniel, and joining him for a TV interview where they both talk about how great Conrad is. They are compared to Caroline Bessette and JFK Jr. which is, frankly, not the most optimistic comparison despite a certain physical resemblance. 

I'd go more with a blonde Kate Middleton and Prince William with a fuller head of hair.

However, you know that K-Mids would never wear a sleeveless dress with that much cleave on display, especially in a live TV interview. (Speaking of which — even Lance Armstrong went with a pre-recorded interview. Why did Connie Grayson warrant this live interview?)

More Max Mara...

 

This camel coat, however, would totally work on Kate Middleton.

Or, to be more honest, me. I need this coat like NOW. It just looks so warm and cozy while simultaneously stylish and classic. Thus far, Emily's outerwear wardrobe gets two thumbs up from me.

Best Doppelgangers

Oh, but here's where things have changed from last year. Instead of moping around his bar making moon eyes at Fauxmanda, Jack's now going full vigilante. And, randomly, Ashley's helping him out.

Apparently the writing staff are deciding on scene partners by throwing everyone's names into a hat.

I don't buy these two as partners-in-crime, but see how Ashley's influence has got Jack looking maybe 20% more dapper than usual? Ashley's poppy red jacket is obviously gorgeous and, just being in her company elevates Jack's coat somewhat. He's also had really, really good hair ever since his wedding. So...carry on.

Of course, Ashley wound up going back to Conrad like the most useless double-agent ever, but it was fun while it lasted.

Worst First Lady Attire

Seriously. Conrad's doing a live TV interview to talk about how he's just as wholesome as apple pie, and Queen V chooses to wear this.

No, seriously. Is this what you wear to support your husband's political ambitions? Think of the most stylish political spouses you can — can you see Jackie O., Carla Bruni Sarkozy, or Michelle Obama wearing something like this? RED SEE-THROUGH LACE?

While this is an insane outfit for a possible future Governor's wife, it's also 100% Victoria. You gotta respect when a woman owns her look like this. Though she could at least put her hair up or something.

Most WTF Plotline

You'd think "trading your baby for a spot in art school because you only got one plane ticket" would win this week, but no.

Remember how like a month ago, we learned that The Falcon (or "The Fa1c0n" if you prefer) was the only hacker who was ever able to outsmart Nolan, and has been working with The Initiative for years, and is basically the single person responsible for everything bad that's ever happened on this show? And how The Falcon is the only person Nolan's ever truly feared?

Yeah, Nolan and Emily managed to identify, unmask, expose and destroy her using a scheme that makes Scooby Doo look complex. For realz: what kind of world-famous international hacker is like, "Sure, I'll let you put your USB in my laptop, fellow computer hacker/mortal enemy!"

Even The Falcon is like, "...for real?" I dig the black leather situation she's got going on, tho.

Most Predictable Downward Spiral

This week, we learned that the Revenge(!!!) writing staff are just as over Charlotte and Declan's "relationship" as we all are. Charlotte's only interesting when she's going through some dramz...but that doesn't mean you have to throw her into a Marissa Cooper-style slut spiral every time you run out of plot ideas.

Oh noes! Not a feature on THE TRENDIST!!

Someone needs to tell her that Fauxmanda wasn't really her sister, which means there isn't any genetic reason for her to be skanking it up like this in such an obvious cry for attention.

Best BFF

After Emily and Nolan jointly brought down The Falcon, she let Nolan do the formal Red Sharpie'ing (via his NolPad, but whatever).

OH AND BY THE WAY. This girl was totally not in the original Grayson Global retreat pic:

We see what you did there, props crew.

Hello again, Revenge(!!!): the friendship between Nolan and Emily has become the glue of this show. It's no coincidence that forcing Nolan to spend most of this season in The World's Most Boring Bisexual Love Triangle, keeping him separated from Emily, coincided with the decline in quality of the show. Remember when they were roommates? More of that, please. — xoxo YKYLF

Revenge: Victory

Part 2 of 2 - Revenge(!!!) of the Hoodies

Style-wise, things get off to a decent start for Nolan and Padma, the couple so boring that nobody's even thought of combining their names. Nolan looks adorable in his mustard-yellow sweater, patterned navy shirt, and blazer. You can't see them here, but he is also rocking some wicked grey, plaid skinny pants. Padma, by comparison, is her usual meh in this plum-colored, DVF-inspired wrap dress.

Padma, everyone can use a little accessorizing — even when you're concerned that your father is missing a finger. 

Padma does what I can only assume is her version of upping her game when she meets The Initiative for the father/flash drive swap. If I were The Initiative, I might have wanted to kidnap Padma for her stylistic choices alone. This DKNY dress is too big and the giant gold buckle on the belt is not particularly cute, although snaps for the classic Coach bag.

Definitely a poor choice when you're supposed to be rescuing someone who has already suffered a great deal. 

Instead of rescuing Padma's father, #TeamAidlan are forced to watch helplessly as Padma is kidnapped. Immediately after, Nolan changes into a hoody — a.k.a his "I'm stressed" clothing. 

Do you think he borrowed this from the brothers Porter?

Because, similar to the cast of Glee, Jack doesn't need any reason to pull out his fav American Apparel hoody.

What do you do when your fiance goes up in flames on your honeymoon boat, and you need to figure out why? Send your kid brother, in his school uniform, to investigate for you. 

Declan finally proves useful as he helps Jack get closer to realizing what Emily's known all along: The Graysons are behind everything.

Even this:

Those are bullets. That Victoria plucked from her jewelry box. And mailed. To her son. Like I said — kitchen sink.

Revenge: Illumination

Part 1 of 2 – The Real Househusbands of Montauk

No sooner has Fauxmanda left us, but Emily's confronted with another reminder of her past life as a fire-obsessed foster child. She figures out Eli's con (swindling rich people with a rare books scam) almost as quickly as he recognizes her true identity. Though she and her Super Team of Aiden and Nolan do their best to run him out of town, Eli worms his way into the Grayson's good graces and is named co-chair of the Fake Dead Stripper Daughter Of The Convicted Terrorist Memorial Fund. But not so fast! Because it turns out that the Fauxmanda charity is actually ALSO a scam for the Graysons to protect their money from The Initiative - and they've got Daniel putting Aiden in place to take the fall when this is all revealed. Behind the scenes, Jack's running around with the crazy eyes of the Vengeful. He even gives two over-the-shoulder hugs, so you know he's legit. And then we learn the name of the only person scarier than The Initiative: THE FALCON, the only computer hacker capable of outwitting Nolan. Basically, I have no idea what's going on, but everybody looks fabulous doing it.

As per the title, this week's theme is illumination a.k.a. Emily's past history with arson. It all began when L'il Amanda accidentally-on-purpose burned down her foster home.

I guess flashback L'il Mandypants turned goth as soon as she entered foster care. It's not a big step from child arson to Takeda's Academy for Teen Revengers.

Who'd have thought these two little unwanted orphans would grow up into these gorgeous con artists?

Looking good, team. 

So... it took Eli about 0.005 seconds to recognize "Emily Thorne" as his long-lost foster sister from another mister. You can't con a con, Ems.

He's also bringing some much-needed steez to a town that's already way over quota in the men-in-suits division. Seriously. It's nice to change things up with this cozy layered v-neck, leather coat action because this episode featured the following suits:

1) Daniel serving up 1985 Wall Street "poor little rich boy", alongside Aiden with his usual 007 routine.

2) Jack, with a good dose of vintage season one Emily/Amanda fake-smiling-while-secretly-planning-to-blow-up-The-Hamps in his oddly tieless suit:

Keep on keeping on, Jack. You've single-handedly made the show about 1000% more awesome.

3) And finally, the suit thing's so contagious, even young Master Porter tries his hand at suiting up.

It's still a shame about the hair, though. Spending all that time with Dan Humphrey was clearly not good for his sartorial sense.

Interestingly, Conrad was the one to shake things up with this Mr Rogers-meets-Rufus-Humphrey ensemble:

Seriously, did Conrad inherit Rufus' cardigan collection after Gossip Girl ended? Or, more likely, has Rufus been wearing Conrad's castoffs for the last 25 years?

Since Eli's still new in town and we didn't see many of his outfits, Nolan arrives to save the day in a rainbow array of amazingness. Starting with orange double collars, both folded over (Threat Level: 0; Adorability Level: 100)

He follows this up with some Marquis de Sade meets George Michael meets Fifty Shades of Gray over-the-collar action. I feel confident in saying that nothing like this has ever appeared on TV before, ever.

The leather tie! The pinstripe vest! The gold suit! The floral shirt! The polka-dotted pocket square! I... I just... give me a moment to drink this all in.

Talk amongst yourselves. I need a moment to regroup before we take a look at the ladies.

Revenge: Retribution

Part 2 of 2 - Revenge(!!!) is the new black

It's a testament to how close Fauxmanda and Emily got to be that Emily's gone this crazy with revenge(!!!) about the death of her bestie.

Like, who would have guessed that Fauxmanda's death (which we were all cheering for like, a season ago back when she was allied with Tyler — remember that?) would help refocus Emily's revengenda? As long as the Graysons keep killing people Emily cares about, this show can go on for years!

But we all know our girl. No matter her mental state, Emily's got a creamy cableknit sweater for every occasion.

The best way to pay tribute to Fauxmanda is by just keeping on as her usz, and for Emily, that means retaining her flawless yachting chic. Because what to wear to the morgue where your bestie/life-swap-minion's body is being held? Peacoat, skinnies, boots, and her trademark flat iron curls.

I said in the mini-recap that this episode didn't have any over-the-shoulder-hugs, but it kinda did. Check it:

Vic and Char are having a sweet mommy/daughter moment, but Emily's lurking in the background to bring the patented Revenge(!!!) Over-the-Shoulder Side-Eye.

Meh, Emily's too busy revenging for that sort of physical affection anyway. But I like that she and Nolan (RIP the Revenging Roomies!) got to spend a lot of time together this week. Their natural chemistry is never not fun, plus their outfits always coordinate delightfully.

I like Nolan's casual look here, pink popped collar polo, grunge-inspired plaid button-down and a sport coat. You can tell from the semi-popped collar that we are at a Threat Level 2 — nobody's going to get shot, but the shizz is getting real.

And then Nolan meets up with Padmazzzzz.... sorry. I just can't even with this storyline anymore. Is there a way we can have Padma blow up too, maybe sending Nolan off on his own Revenge(!!!) plot? Because this blah blah father's severed finger blah blah is just not working.

Yes, I see what you're doing here show, with the matching polka-dotted outfits. But you will never make me think these two belong together - no matter how much you try and make them match, subconsciously, in my mind. Nolan's outfit is pretty boss, though.

By Nolan standards, that's pretty tame. But still a thousand lightyears beyond Padma's attempt at fabulosity:

I mean, she looks gorgeous, obviously. But where's the personality? Where's the interest? Where's the patterns? Where's the... anything?

Like, Emily, in this black zip-up and blue tee manages to put more ferocity in her zipper than Padma has in every outfit she's ever worn on this show, all put together.

Seriously, I love the exposed zipper detail here. Also, her hair looks nice like that.

Fauxmanda's funeral was a sombre occasion, which meant that everybody dressed fairly tastefully. Even Nolan.

I'm not sure if this print is leopard, paisley, floral or something in between. But I know that I heartily approve.

But the style star of the funeral was Emily's elegant eulogy ensemble:

I mean, this outfit is gorgeous (and super flattering to the cleave region) while still funeral appropriate. At the same time, she looks totally ready to be whisked off into some sort of glamorous Fred Astaire dance number. In other words, everything I look for in an outfit, ever.

More Michael Kors...

And in HOLY CRAP news, I don't know where Jack has been hiding this level of amazingness, but I finally get why Emily loves him so much. Seriously, boyfriend was matching her Revenge (!!!) for Revenge (!!!) this week. Like, has he been taking correspondence classes from Takeshi's Revenge Skool?

He even developed an #IWillDestroyYou relationship with Connie that's like the man version of Emily vs Queen V:

See how he's smiling, but you know on the inside, he's picturing how much he wants to throttle Connie until his eyes burst out of his head? And Conrad totally knows that's what he's thinking, but they're in such a cold war that neither of them will ever actually insult the other. Emily : Queen  V :: Jack : Connie.

You guys, Jack has never been so interesting as a character. And he didn't even wear plaid OR a henley OR a button-down shirt this week! 

Having a lethal vendetta looks good on you, bro. Keep it up.

Revenge: Sacrifice

Part 2 of 2 – Batten Down The Hatches, Y’all

Before we chat about the fashions, I just want to draw everyone’s attention to this:

This is the photo that launched Emily and Nolan’s high-speed high-sea chase. This photo, that she only enhanced by making it bigger, meaning that if anyone actually looked at it, they would have noticed a face as well. Just sayin’.

Alright, Emily and her Revengers have a little conference call to discuss whatever it is you discuss while plotting revenge(!!!). As I mentioned with Charlotte, Emily’s style is so easy to appreciate because it feels so natural on her. Yeah, it’s just a simple sweater, but I swear everything is perfectly tailored for this woman. I have yet to see something not fit her as though she had a team of seamstresses working around the clock in yet another secret compartment in her house. Even the hunter's jacket she wears on the boat is beautiful!

Not to be outdone, Nolan brings a classic east coast look back into our lives with his cable-knit sweater vest and striped shirt ensemble. I’m a little surprised at the lackluster appeal his shirt has this week. If you’re going to wear a sweater vest with pronounced details, step up that shirt game, girl. However, I smirked a boyish smirk when I saw he was wearing two seasickness bands on one wrist. And a lifejacket. So safe and cautious – how could you not love him?

Meanwhile on the boat, Amanda and Jack’s sexy honeymoon has turned into a sexy hostage situation. That napkin Amanda is passing off as a dress almost made me root for the Ryan Brother. Not that it doesn’t accentuate her chest quite staggeringly, but the Heidi-esque print in such a bland and meaningless colour are such a poor choice for a high-seas honeymoon. Where’s the nautical blues? Where are the stripes? Where are the bloody gold accents!?

Jack, I harp on you and Amanda because I care. There’s so much potential, and yet y’all keep disappointing me by going to the same look week after week. I BELIEVE IN YOU, DAMMIT.

OK, Padma is technically on land, but I feel she and Aidan belong in the seafaring category. I also feel this plum colour should be draped on Padma every minute of every day because she looks stunning. It’s so elegant, yet totally fits for day or evening wear. Her adorable necklace is a nice touch for the day wear aspect. I say, richer colours for Padma forever!

Looking fierce might help soften the blow of finding your kidnapped father’s finger in a box. You never know...

Later, that same evening...

That caption works on two levels. And yes, I basically just gave myself a pat on the back for being clever. 

When the title of a Revenge(!!!) episode is called “Sacrifice”, you have a pretty strong feeling that someone is going bite it hard. I honestly didn’t expect Amanda to die. I figured that broad was sticking around to the bitter end since she weaseled her way into Jack’s loving, yet dimwitted, heart. But then, it was as heavily foreshadowed as Sammy the Dog’s death. Now that she’s gone, I think I’ll miss the character. For at least an episode.

I will say this: the over-the-shoulder hug between Flashback Amanda and Emily was one of the funniest things I have seen on Revenge(!!!). Here’s a down-on-her-luck delinquent thinking she’s found a sister to confide in, and Emily’s all “oh, yeah... totes sisters...” — it was the perfect way to say goodbye.

Let’s tally the Labor Day weekend track record for The Hamps: Lydia was ejected from society, Emily met Daniel and began to slowly destroy his family, Charlotte was “released” from rehab only to be dragged back kicking and screaming during her mother’s fake memorial, and Connie had Amanda eliminated. Yeah, I never want to be within 100 miles of Grayson Manor on Labor Day weekend.