Legacy - Part 2 of 2 - The Plottings

Oh the what that went down in 2002. Trash talkin', Declan accented, bar fightin', juvie alum Amanda is just a party and a tattoo away from beginning on the path of ABR (Always Be Revenging). But before we could meet her a classy lady (or femme fatale?) Emily, this is how she spent her evenings:

Ass grabbing dates and fish net stockings.

The sheer back is a far cry from her classy dresses that send us into a tizzy. I don't remember outfits like Emily's back in the day.

But this guy? Yeah. That happened.

Totally a night at the Roxbury.

What is love. Baby don't hurt him. Don't hurt him, no more.

Or hit him with a toilet seat. Whatevs.

You know she was tough because she was all about the heavy makeup and the leather back then.

Then again, it seems everyone was into the leather back then. It's all Nolan wore. And brace yourselves: 2002 Nolan is not the Nolan we know now.

The slick hair? No colour? Nary a popped collar in sight? I spy the polo, but he hasn't figured out he needs to pop it like its hot yet.

Even when he changes the jacket, he barely shakes it up by switching the style of leather.

Fur lined, puffy winter leather.

A slightly slicker brown leather.

I think my vote is on biker jacket Nolan. I'd like to see more of that. A different shirt from the black polo and he could have been rocker Nolan.

On her visit back to the Hamptons to read through the journals and spy on the Graysons, Amanda is pretty much all leather jacket all the time as she orders vodka and tonic, hold the tonic.

The scarf is really the only way she changes it up. And not unlike 2012, Sammy is the only one who recognizes her.

That's okay, because I'm surprised anyone could recognize Jack back then with his horrible Dan Humphrey-esque hair.

Holy Eddie Vedder Batman! It really is best to leave that look to the grunge rock gods.

Actually, the bad hair is kind of multifaceted. One minute it's Eddie Vedderiffic, the next it's extra on Freaks and Geeks.

Regardless of the look, there is one thing I think we can all agree on: that is some mothereffing bad hair.

That's the kind of hair that gives hairdressers and barbers everywhere bad dreams. I love me a good flashback, but I hope we don't have to suffer through that hair again.

We need something to take our minds off of it. How about some Li'l Declan??

Awwww....adorbs! And still dressing like American Apparel is the only store on earth. Some things never change. (Although...how old is he here? Charlotte isn't born yet and they're in high school together...what?).

Fortunately for all of us, the puffy vest trends of the mid-to-late 90s and I guess early 2000s (some dads take a few years to catch the trend) has fallen by the wayside.

Oh poor Mr. Porter. We hardly knew ye or the reason you moved your kids into an apartment above a bar. We certainly didn't know Nolan had bought your land to build his gigantico mansion. 

The other thing we didn't know about before this flashback? Jack totes had a girlfriend. She seemed all normal and well-adjusted. Boring. But well-adjusted.

Of course, that's until she went macking on Nolan because she and Jack want different things.

Lady, for someone with wordly dreams, that top does not scream "I want to get out of Montauk."

Now, before Emily came to town all mysterious like, there was a time when the rich and famous avoided mingling with the riff raff. Queen V must long for those days. Although, she probably doesn't long for her dependence on a hair straightener.

Far too Cher-esque and not nearly as nice as her soft curls these days. Besides, it's easier to convince people you're not totally evil when your hair is pretty (pro-tip from the Hamptons).

But it would appear 2002 was a time of harsh hair and lots of animal skins. In addition to all the leather we've already seen, Lyds was totally rocking the fur and a really tight hairdo.

I think Victoria was trying to soften her look with her outfits instead of with her hair. Which is maybe why she chose this cream coloured blouse of questionable fabric.

So. Un. Victoria.

I know Vic. I know. That blouse is cray. I bet you burned all evidence of it. Although it didn't look too horrible when worn with a coat.

Not as awesome as her 2012 winter collection, but less awful than when it's on it's own.

Two men time forgot are Conrad and Frank. Their style didn't really change too much.

Well, maybe the ties got better. But that's about it. I'm a wee bit disappointed he didn't play up the era and do the tone on tone tie/shirt combo that Regis made so popular. Dudes were still doing that in 2002, weren't they?

And I will give him minor snaps for dropping the polo + blazer combo in favour of today's oxford shirt + blazer as casual wear.

That polo does him no favours.

It's funny, 2002 Frank had better ties than Conrad.

Oh Frank. Poor schemey Frank. I wish there was a way you weren't really dead, because I sort of miss you. Even if you did wear the same outfit for this entire episode.

Because only you would kill a man in his boss' pool house tub and make it look like a suicide. Tyler wishes he was half as devious as you back when he was still alive.

And because flashbacks have flashbacks (you see! Inception!), we get to see Victoria's white silk dress of treachery again.

I can't tell why she's so sad. Because she's about to send her lover up the river, because his daughter caught her or because she wore that dress in the rain. Either way...

But those sads aren't going to get you far with Emily. Because while she may be rocking the bangs and wearing plain t-shirts from the Gap in public...

She's just one tattoo away from bringing all y'all down.

Let the Revenging (!!!) begin!

Charade - Part 2 of 3 - The enemies of Emily

Jeez, a girl sets out to destroy a few dozen lives and suddenly everybody's rooting against her? There have only been 7 episodes, how does she have so many enemies already?

Starting with Intense Security Guy Frank, who's half out to AVENGE (!!) his layoff from the Graysons and half out to win the heart of Victoria. Here's his look when Emily finds him chillaxing in her casa: rumpled suit (like he hasn't changed since Queen V broke his heart & fired him) and oversized firearm (borrowed from Emily).

He's like a dog with a bone, sensing that something's off about Emily and checking under every rock to find out what it is. I wonder how he managed to track down this strip club... could it be the neon stripper silhouette added to the side of this otherwise-innocuous building? (Note, he's still wearing the same rumpled suit - has he even taken a bathroom break in his failed quest?)

And it is under that same glowing neon stripper that Frank finally meets his maker... or does he? Seriously, though, when Real Emily Thorne was like "Did you tell anybody else about me? No? OK, meet me in the parking lot in one hour," that he was obviously about to get a crowbar to the skull from THE NOXZEMA GIRL!

Seriously. Did you not think of The Noxema Girl once we saw Real Emily Thorn out of her stripper wig? On the left, Real Emily Thorn. On the right, Rebecca Gayheart before the whole vehicular homicide thing, and before she married McSteamy:

Whether you see the comparison or not, I cover Real Emily's curls. How does she think the blond wig is better stripper hair? When I was writing the mini-recap I gave best-dressed honours to Real Emily's sassy stripper-cop outfit. I do still think it's fab, but upon re-watching, I may have to change my mind... stay tuned for the next part for deets.

Anyway, here's Real Emily in her stripperific glory. Don't you think she's kind of an overdressed stripper? Like, I don't know how she plans to strip out of that bodysuit in any sort of graceful manner.

Anyway, after she TOTALLY MURDERS FRANK, she shows up on Emily's doorstep looking all wholesome and sweet in this stripey tee. Why did I put her in the "enemies" category? Well, I don't think she's making a social call on her ex-roommie. Frank told her that Emily's dating the son of a multi-billionaire, and I think Real Emily's out for some hush-hush money.

I also think the Hamptons are going to get even awesomer now that she's in town. MURDER STRIPPER!

Declan makes a surprise appearance in the enemies category, too. Why is he so obsessed with having Emily get together with Jack? Why does he think Emily led Jack on? Why is he wearing so many silver rings?

Seriously. That's like three rings in one hand. He really should have taken Charlotte up on her offer to dress him. Remember? When she went to talk to him on the oyster-shucking pier, she offered him a bag of clothes and he refused.

I understand if you forgot that scene, it happened in front of the world's worst greenscreen harbourfront "special" "effect":

"I am totes really on a pier! Look at the water and ships behind me! Also, those were not at all somebody else's hands shucking the oyster! I am an actor of many talents!"

And what's a discussion of Emily's many enemies without mentioning that festering wound of skeevetastic annoyance, Tyler "eyeballs like dartboards for THE SHARPIE OF DOOM" McAwfulstein. Here is, modelling the latest nautical wear for psychotic douchelords:

And then here he is, just hangin' out all relaxed and shizz in his purple polo and aviators:

Oh, sorry, did I say he was looking relaxed here? Rather, he's demonstrating how by clenching every muscle in his body, he's able to keep from reaching over and murdering Daniel and Emily, so undisguised is his hatred of both of them.

He's still got this purple polo on later, when blackmail-time turns into sexytimes chez Nolan:

And now Tyler's sucked Ashley into his Web Of Douchery. Or, maybe she was always an asshole and we just never noticed before. She's always been well-dressed, but now we learn that she's only working for the Graysons as Step One in a pretty stupid plan to become rich herself.

Whatevs, her shoes here are ferosh and I love her separates. This is how you do classic American sportswear.

Those shoes are OFF THE HOOK. If your party planner shows up looking like this, watch your back, is what I learned this week.

This look is cute, but I'm distracted by a) how she can hold hands with Tyler without vomiting, and b) what's that splash of yellow behind them?

Why, it's the brightest dressed extra EVER! This lady was seriously in the background of this ENTIRE SCENE and I kind of love her.

When it turns out in the season finale that this lady is the one who shot Daniel? I reserve the right to say "told you so." Because why else would they make one extra stand out this much? Or maybe she's the costume designer, and she chose her own outfit - knowing how much it would stand out - and she just snuck onto the set. Who knows? Just a little extra slice of awesome in this week's mega-awesome-overload episode.

What were we talking about? Oh, right, the suddenly-maybe-evil Ashley. And her cute party dress.

Actually, it's not even that cute. Maybe turning suddenly evil makes you lose your fashion sense. 

Intrigue - Part 1 of 3 - Masculine (Yet Sensitive) Men

Episode Synopsis: So, the Vengeful Duo seem to be in a sticky spot this week. Why’s that? Oh, no reason... except that Frank is basically a supercop. Emily did not know what she was tangling with there. Perhaps the RED SHARPIE OF DOOM(!!!) will find a new victim? Of course, that means she’ll need a new photo. I suggest a topless photo shoot because y’all know that Frank is chiseled. But until that happens, Emily is busy balancing her fauxmance with Daniel, her deep desire for Jack, and her raging hatred for Creepy Tyler (who’s apparently a roofie queen). So, while Queen Vic and Conrad deal with Lyds taking a tumble into a taxi, Ashley is planning yet another Hamptons Gala, Charlotte slums it for reals with Declan, Nolan pops his collar, and we are satisfied with soapy dramz for another week. Sweet Fancy Moses, I love this show.

Why Conrad Grayson, who would have thought you’d fully embrace your WASPy-ness with a kicky sweater tied ‘round your neck? It’s a nice change of pace from your dour business suits that leave a lot to be desired. P dot S, that’s a two hour commute every time you head back to NYC to “tidy things up” - WTF? Plus, you’re offering your jet, I repeat, your JET, to Frank for a getaway vehicle? Girl, your carbon footprint is atrocious. 

See, even Frank is pissed. Although, that may have to deal with his dismissal. OK, so he tried to killed Lydia, who is still alive through a major soap opera miracle. Semantics. Sidebar: you KNOW she’s coming back to mess shit up. Frank, as one dude to another, take the money and buy a suit outside of the grey family... then run.

In the last few episodes, I’ve started to feel slightly sad about Daniel’s character because, you know, he gets iced on the beach. That was until I saw this outfit - white pants? I’ll shoot you right now, sister. You’re not going to Diddy’s White Party (obviously), so there’s no need to have white pants. At least his blazer is banging and the shirt is a great colour for a dinner date. But that set of pants, y’all - I’m done.

Two things here:

1. I thought Daddykins cut you off? Either you’re snorting a LOT of coke later, or being “cut off” in the Grayson family means only having one gigantic wad of bills to carry around. 

2. What’s the fascination with cream-coloured fashion this week? Take that Members Only tragedy and buy yourself a little something in an earth tone. If LL Bean and J.Crew had a drunken one night stand, Daniel would watch from the corner.

And at the other end of the spectrum, we have Jack who clearly has a monopoly on double breast-pocket shirts. You know, Jack...there’s only so much you can put in your pockets. Do you always need two on the chest? Leave the towel though, it’ll come in handy when you sob about being the most eligible man in town who can’t seem to score a single piece of action.

Yeah, right here is a perfect time to lean on that bar towel. And against a backdrop of what my roommate (a visual effects designer) called, “really poorly composited” fireworks. Sigh. How embarrassing.

Frankly, Jack needs to take lessons from his broham, Nolan. As fellow YKYLF staffer Ann F. pointed out, he’s clearly more relaxed in this scene because of the limp collar. I like to think that Nolan has a strict rule about his collars like, “Not a single collar shall be popped before 4 p.m.”, or something like that

Come on you guys... look at yourselves! Nolan - you’re adorable, even with your Jonas throwback hair. But Jack, honey, you knew you were going to the Grayson’s and you didn’t even change your shirt? GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH YOU HANDSOME BASTARD.

Don’t even get me started on Declan this week. I will say that I like his t-shirt/sweatshirt thing he’s working in this shot. At first, I thought it was a 3/4 length sleeve which would have made me lose my mind; I love baseball tees. But on closer inspection, I realized he’s probably just really, really tiny. You have to give him credit though - reading “The Journal” before heading to the party? While wearing the finest American Apparel has to offer? Ballsy.

Even more ballsy was his lobster theft. Child, I grew up on the east coast of everything (the US, Ireland, Canada) and I can guarantee you that stealing from a lobster trap will result in you getting a hand cut-off like Jasmine (almost) did in “Aladdin”.

So, I think I’m going to hand out a YKYLF Award this week for “Best Interpretation of a Sociopathic Crazy Pants” to none other than Creepy Tyler! Shall we take a closer look?

You would have to be cray cray to wear that tie. What the hell is that? I imagined a bolo tie designer thinking, “I need to get into fabrics!”, before that came into the world. Trash it, fool. 

If you’re going to be snide at dinner, you might as well wear a camel blazer and pale blue shirt. Truth: I really like this look. Only for the summer of course, but I think the colour pallette is clean, pressed and preppy, and basically looks good on anyone.

And then...

This is where shit got reals. What’s with the sassy hand on the hip? Angry that your man-crush is in love with a filthy rich evil genius with flawless hair no matter what time of day or situation she finds herself? Mmhmm. Oh, so angry that you CONCUSS yourself? I actually thought he would try to push the house over in a fit of rejected closet case rage, but he just banged his head. And if you think I’m on the wrong track with Tyler being part of the Velvet Mafia, well...

I rest my case.

Guilt - Part 1 of 2 - The Graysons & Co.

Episode Synopsis: I don't even know how a brief summary can do this episode justice. So. much. happened. Lydia decides to take back her life and makes a cameo appearance in the Hamptons before returning to her NYC penthouse and doing a swan dive off her balcony. Emily's plans finally aren't going exactly as she would hope, and she ends up bestowing a little more responsibility upon Nolan. In minor news, Charlotte is still mad at Victoria for not loving her and Daniel decides the Grayson lifestyle isn't for him. So he does the logical thing and takes the open bartending job at Jack's bar. Yeah...that's going to work out well. 

I know, I know this the probably the worst screencap ever but it was the only time I could get the full-frontal view of Victoria in an age-appropriate, form-fitting appropriate dress. Her tatas aren't hanging out and it's clinging in all the right places. Even though it's hard to tell with my awful screencap, this green is such a lovely color on Victoria. I love how these Hamption ladies aren't afraid of breaking out the color wheel! 

Did Victoria mistake the Open Arms Benefits for Prom? While her dress is pretty exquisiite with a lot of faboosh tucking, pinning, and detailing, it's one of those dresses that the really rich girl at your high school would wear to prom simply because the dress cost like $5,000. Take away the detailing and the color is drab and doing nothing for Vicky's skin tone.  

And what is with that updo?? You're not 17, Victoria, going to Junior Prom. Did you see the rhinestones in there? Well, in her case they're probably diamonds and not those sticky things you get at Claire's

I just love that a super-wealthy person's "casual" wardrobe is a dress shirt with the collar open. Normal people would wear a t-shirt and ratty sweatpants, but then, I suppose the Grayson's aren't exactly normal. I believe it was fellow YKYLF staffer Ann who pointed out that Casa de Grayson was the size of her neighborhood.

One day, the YKYLF staff was hanging out in our breakroom over doughnuts and champagne (read: we were at our individual locations chatting on the private staff FB group. No, I am not posting a link.), and someone pointed out that Charlotte was young Jenna Rink in 13 Going on 30. Thanks to that revelation, that's all I can think of her as! And in stark contrast to the high schoolers on Gossip Girl, Charlotte dresses exactly as I would hope a rich adolescent should. I'm sure it's some designer dress but it's fun and colorful and perfect for joyriding in a $200,000 Mercedes. 

Such a cute romper! If you're going to get arrested and thrown in jail, this is how you should look. 

Oh hello Daniel! Looks equally as good with no clothes as well as in a tux. Almost James Bonds-esque. Almost. Since he's decided the family biz is not for him, maybe he could join the MI6's training program?

There's something about Frank...he's shady yet (seemingly) loyal and kinda...hot. Yep, I said it. Maybe I've been watching The Bodyguard too much? I will say his five o'clock shadow needs to go away. Either grow it out or keep it clean.

I wonder what his backstory is...I think every character on this show is supremely interesting and I want to find out more about them. I hearby request that the writers concoct a companion guide, complete with character profiles and histories!