Revenge: Identity

Dear Revenge(!!!) — You know we've been your fans from the beginning. However, somewhere between The Initiative, Extremely Boring Padma, and the Jack's Bar Plotline, you kinda lost your mojo. We're still hanging in for Emily's perfect waves, Nolan's fashionz and Connie and Queen V's one-liners. But until you return to season 1 level awesomeness (which we know you can!), we'll be giving you short recaps.  — xoxo, YKYLF.

This week was mainly about catching everyone up with winter in The Hamps which basically means the same old scheming — but now with outerwear! Nolan's out of jail, Emily's got her sights set on The Falcon, Conrad's political campaign is running (somehow) full steam (despite his complete evilness) and Ashley is either working with him...or not. Who knows with that girl? But the main events this week were a) Red Sharpie'ing The Falcon, b) Emily agreeing to marry Daniel again, and c) Victoria deciding to use Nolan to track down her firstborn son, Patrick.

Your Weekly Nolan

Let's begin with the strengths of this show, shall we? Nolan is indisputably Revenge's breakout star, and a large part of that is his apparel. Like these Jimmy Choo penny loafers:

He may be mourning his extremely boring dead girlfriend, but that doesn't stop him from coordinating his footwear with his shirt. 

And then when he ventured to Brooklyn to face off with The Falcon, he went full Ryan-Gosling-in-Drive:

Except with arcade gaming rather than, you know, brutally murdering people in elevators.

Worst Relationship Regression

So, Emily's engaged to Daniel, and joining him for a TV interview where they both talk about how great Conrad is. They are compared to Caroline Bessette and JFK Jr. which is, frankly, not the most optimistic comparison despite a certain physical resemblance. 

I'd go more with a blonde Kate Middleton and Prince William with a fuller head of hair.

However, you know that K-Mids would never wear a sleeveless dress with that much cleave on display, especially in a live TV interview. (Speaking of which — even Lance Armstrong went with a pre-recorded interview. Why did Connie Grayson warrant this live interview?)

More Max Mara...

 

This camel coat, however, would totally work on Kate Middleton.

Or, to be more honest, me. I need this coat like NOW. It just looks so warm and cozy while simultaneously stylish and classic. Thus far, Emily's outerwear wardrobe gets two thumbs up from me.

Best Doppelgangers

Oh, but here's where things have changed from last year. Instead of moping around his bar making moon eyes at Fauxmanda, Jack's now going full vigilante. And, randomly, Ashley's helping him out.

Apparently the writing staff are deciding on scene partners by throwing everyone's names into a hat.

I don't buy these two as partners-in-crime, but see how Ashley's influence has got Jack looking maybe 20% more dapper than usual? Ashley's poppy red jacket is obviously gorgeous and, just being in her company elevates Jack's coat somewhat. He's also had really, really good hair ever since his wedding. So...carry on.

Of course, Ashley wound up going back to Conrad like the most useless double-agent ever, but it was fun while it lasted.

Worst First Lady Attire

Seriously. Conrad's doing a live TV interview to talk about how he's just as wholesome as apple pie, and Queen V chooses to wear this.

No, seriously. Is this what you wear to support your husband's political ambitions? Think of the most stylish political spouses you can — can you see Jackie O., Carla Bruni Sarkozy, or Michelle Obama wearing something like this? RED SEE-THROUGH LACE?

While this is an insane outfit for a possible future Governor's wife, it's also 100% Victoria. You gotta respect when a woman owns her look like this. Though she could at least put her hair up or something.

Most WTF Plotline

You'd think "trading your baby for a spot in art school because you only got one plane ticket" would win this week, but no.

Remember how like a month ago, we learned that The Falcon (or "The Fa1c0n" if you prefer) was the only hacker who was ever able to outsmart Nolan, and has been working with The Initiative for years, and is basically the single person responsible for everything bad that's ever happened on this show? And how The Falcon is the only person Nolan's ever truly feared?

Yeah, Nolan and Emily managed to identify, unmask, expose and destroy her using a scheme that makes Scooby Doo look complex. For realz: what kind of world-famous international hacker is like, "Sure, I'll let you put your USB in my laptop, fellow computer hacker/mortal enemy!"

Even The Falcon is like, "...for real?" I dig the black leather situation she's got going on, tho.

Most Predictable Downward Spiral

This week, we learned that the Revenge(!!!) writing staff are just as over Charlotte and Declan's "relationship" as we all are. Charlotte's only interesting when she's going through some dramz...but that doesn't mean you have to throw her into a Marissa Cooper-style slut spiral every time you run out of plot ideas.

Oh noes! Not a feature on THE TRENDIST!!

Someone needs to tell her that Fauxmanda wasn't really her sister, which means there isn't any genetic reason for her to be skanking it up like this in such an obvious cry for attention.

Best BFF

After Emily and Nolan jointly brought down The Falcon, she let Nolan do the formal Red Sharpie'ing (via his NolPad, but whatever).

OH AND BY THE WAY. This girl was totally not in the original Grayson Global retreat pic:

We see what you did there, props crew.

Hello again, Revenge(!!!): the friendship between Nolan and Emily has become the glue of this show. It's no coincidence that forcing Nolan to spend most of this season in The World's Most Boring Bisexual Love Triangle, keeping him separated from Emily, coincided with the decline in quality of the show. Remember when they were roommates? More of that, please. — xoxo YKYLF

Revenge: Masquerade

Part 1 of 2: Oh, The Masquer-shade Of It All

If you’re going to host a masquerade ball for New York City’s society elite, you’ve got to do it right. Thankfully, this wasn’t Queen Vic’s first time at the rodeo as she delivered one of the most lavish, over the top, campy spectacles I’ve seen on television since the last episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. All the small sub-stories, like Nolan using his A Beautiful Mind technique to track down Padma, or Emily slipping between Aiden and Daniel, or even Connie’s senate race, all lead to the glorious gala. The biggest dramz this week? Some loved ones were lost, others appear to have returned from the past, and Victoria throws some beaucoup shade at anyone with a pair of ears.

Obviously, I need to start with the masquerade fashions. Specifically, this insane dress worn by your host, Victoria Grayson. And they call Emily the “Ice Queen”? With arm length black gloves, and a bizarre pattern over the nude slip, Victoria totally establishes herself as the Head Bitch in Charge of this party. No one does it finer than Victoria, and Conrad looks as obedient as ever in his tux.

It’s ironic that Victoria would host a masquerade, considering she has so many faces. Doting mother, cunning strategist, shady biatch... it’s all there. Oh, and of course her party has a black and white dress code. The Graysons, they know how to dress, but when it comes to patterns or colour blocking, they’re all thumbs. Remember the deliciously dramatic Fire & Ice Ball? You could wear red or white — that’s it. Boring.

Declan and Jack — only you could manage to make a masque look plain. Bless them for their consistency. Although, can we talk about Declan’s tie? That’s a lot of look for one thin strip of fabric, my friend. You’re not nearly accomplished enough to start pulling out Nolan Ross looks. Babysteps, OK? Maybe start with a wild pocket square, then we can talk about printed ties and embellished blazers.

See? This is how you do opulent menswear. It’s a shame that all we see this week is Sad Nolan considering how goddamn fierce he looks. The white masque immediately stands out as a bold choice, but the patterned jacket (which looks like a hellish alliance of damask and paisley) just screams drama. Most people would stop at the jacket considering how loud it is, but Nolan polishes it off with a polka-dot shirt and white tie.

I mean, the man needs a Greek chorus of golf claps around him at all times for having the gall to wear this and yet, since it’s Nolan, it all works. Damn his sexy confidence!

During the masquerade, we sadly find out Padma has been offed by the Initiative. Naturally, Nolan is devastated and he shared an over-the-shoulder hug with Emily we rarely see — the sincere one.

Speaking of Emily at the masquerade — she looks amazing. Queen Vic made it pretty clear she didn’t want Ms. Thorne partying with her friends, but Emily slipped in and wore what might be the best cleavage display case EVER. I’ve always said she looks beautiful in white, but structure on the chest plus the curve accentuation is pretty much jaw dropping. Yeah, she’s an Ice Queen, but she’s also more pretty than any of us could ever hope to be. Emily Thorne, making us self-conscious while enthralling us with her looks since 2011.

More Kate Spade...

 

“My whole life is a masquerade because you ruined it when I was a child! Thanks for the drinks, Victoria!”

Also, shout out to that ovah masque Emily is sporting. A championship use of feathers.

Before the ball, Victoria received some black roses with a super serious note from her apparent first-born son that’s not Daniel. Confused? I always am when it comes to Victoria. Girlfriend has more secrets than Katie Holmes when she was married to Tom Cruise.

The last creepy note said her son would be wearing a black rose at the ball and in a fashion more dramatic than most primetime soaps, Victoria spots the Mystery Masque. This was so campy and overwrought I am definitely not regretting my decision to eat cheesecake during this episode.

Upstairs, there are two trashy guests throwing some major shade about the late Amanda Porter. I think my favourite line from the girl was her desire to have “slutted it up more” with her outfit. Honey, you can cool it on the slut-shaming because we first need to talk about having some taste. Lord knows I love a good sequin, but it looks like you fell out of the sparkle cannon at Forever21. There’s a fine line between looking expensive and looking cheap.

I’m sure Charlotte shares my thoughts on the fashion, but it seems she was too fired about the insults toward her dead fake-sister. I love when Charlotte steps outside her fashion comfort zone into a feathered corset dress like this, but it makes me even more happy when girl throws a punch at some cheap party crasher! You better work, honey.

Though she looks wasted here, Ashley was actually sober as a judge — and completely worn out by the Graysons. I don’t know why I’m into up-dos so much these days, but I’m living for Ashley’s hair right now. The embellished belt is a nice touch to an otherwise boring outfit, but after Conrad takes her down a few pegs and basically calls her worthless, I feel like we should cut her some slack this week.

Aiden, you couldn’t be more smouldery than you are right now. The masque, the white trim on the jacket, the stance — I’m honestly swooning. It kills me that you and Emily are so unlucky in love because I know it would have lead to more shirtless scenes and sexy, penetrating stares.

Also, Aiden is a total badass who kills people when he’s pissed off. Case in point, we finally got rid of Fishlips Trask. He was a poor substitute for Helen anyway. Props to Aiden for getting his murder on pre-masquerade, and then looking like a stone cold fox when he arrived. 

Finally, we have to say goodbye to another character — Padma. Um... see ya never? I’m sorry, but I’m just not broken up about this character’s death. Frankly, I don’t even think she is dead. There’s going to be some ridiculous Initiative-like plan to have it seem like she’s dead, only she’s actually a spy now. If Padma really has kicked it, I’m sorry her last look had to be in something a Nana would wear to the beach. 

Revenge: Masquerade

Part 2 of 2: Every Rose Has Its Thorne

Ashley may not have been on top of her game at the masquerade, but she certainly had her look together during Conrad’s town hall earlier that week. I mean, she’s basically wearing a leather romper that’s nearly flesh-toned. Who else could pull that off in Montauk? No one, and I’ll tell you why – because Ashley is fierce and not to be trifled with. Her shoes perfectly capture that with the studs and colour match to the dress. Stop wasting your time in politics and get working for a fashion house, girl! 

During his town hall with “the working class”, Conrad pulls out his best Bill Clinton and lays on the schmaltz so thick you’d need boots to talk to him. I’m literally floored that people would even consider voting for him since he comes off as old money trapped in a blue collar world. Normal people liking Conrad seems a bit of a stretch. 

Remember how I mentioned Victoria was pretty clear about Emily not showing up to the masquerade? Well, that little exchange happened in Victoria’s bedroom in what could be described as the greatest fake smile throwdown on television.

Queen Vic is wearing her usual wrap dress, although I’m pretty pleased to see a colour outside the black/beige spectrum. Emily, however, looks stunning in her navy and black dress. I don’t know how everything she wears looks so polished, but she always stands out.

Black roses? From a long lost son? It’s pretty rare we see the “Oh shit” look in Victoria’s eyes, but girl is rattled at this little gift. It’s too bad she lost her nerve so early in the episode because Victoria has some pretty tasty snaps. When she called Ashley “a seasonal trifle”? Even I felt that one sting.

Charlotte wasn’t too thrilled about the black roses either, though she’s in the dark on the whole mystery son business. This girl needs to take some tips from Emily and find a consistent look, or at least some common themes. Here, she’s full on high school Charlotte, but at the masquerade you saw her looking like heir apparent to the Grayson legacy of HBICs. Oh well, at least her hair is always gorgeous.

Oh, don’t pretend like you didn’t know Emily was behind the black roses. That’s just the right amount of camp and dramz for this girl. I don’t know how Nolan lived with her for so long. Just thinking of all the awkward silences and Revengey staring is enough to turn me off.

Now, you’re not looking at Seychelle Gabriel and Grace Fulton, obviously. I hate these lingering titles, but I had to include this shot of Emily in the city with Aiden. He’s working his usual business smoulder look, but there’s something about that scarf I needed to share. Actually, I don’t think I can say anything more than it’s beautiful and I would like to wrap myself in it luxurious fibres forever.

As Emily and Aiden traipse around town and scheme, Daniel’s doing what he does best — getting into a posturing match with Victoria at the manor house. Even in that three-piece, you can’t deny the bro stance he’s working.

Daniel’s suits are so much nicer to look at than Conrad’s. They’re fitted, current, he’s not afraid to experiment with colour — all good things men need to know about fashion. Too bad he’s about as interesting as the sponge I use to clean my tub.

Now that Emily and Daniel are on Page Six (what!?) as back together, Aiden’s kind of left out in the cold. As you might tell from this pop-in by Emily, they’re not exactly lusting to rip each other’s clothes off. Though, that’s probably a good thing since Emily’s jeans are the skinniest of the skinny. Come on, just have a quiet fling and make it dangerous. You’re already on the most dramatic show on television!

While Aiden and Emily deal with the sexual tension on Team Revenge(!!!), Nolan’s slowly slipping into mad scientist territory. We all knew he was a tech genius, but I didn’t realize he was so close to the edge. You can give him credit for wanting to find Padma, but honestly, I’m glad they took care of her. I can’t bear Nolan looking so sweaty and disheveled.

See? Even when he takes a break from his swirling void of numbers, he can’t even muster up the energy for a classic Nolan look. This is a subdued variation and, I hope I’m just seeing things, but it looks like Nolan’s wearing argyle. I loathe argyle. The only shadow of regular Nolan is his pocket square, which is oh so tame.

Look – is he wearing a pinstripe hoodie? Get a grip, Ross! If ever there was a need for a Moonstruck “Snap out of it!” slap... 

Nolan isn’t the only one feeling the mental strain of all this Revenging(!!!). After spotting Mystery Masque at the ball, Victoria throws a fainting spell and totally looks distressed. The next day, Conrad gets up in her grill about the fainting because he wants to know what’s up about this mystery son business.

Sidebar: I’m so sick of Conrad’s whisper-talking when he’s angry. Every line he delivers is just dripping with heavy handed delivery, I just want to throw a drink in his face and never see him again.

We were treated to some pretty fantastic flashbacks of The Young Victoria. She says she was knocked up by her mother’s boyfriend, which is pretty dark even for Revenge(!!!), but I did not expect her to run to a convent for help! Who would have expected The Young Victoria to be a Catholic girl wracked with guilt? You’ve certainly distanced yourself from that past, girl.

Of course, all the flashbacks lead to a very dramatic reunion with the nun who took in Victoria’s baby. The storyline and dialogue were pretty fantastic, but I only had eyes for her Burberry Prorsum emerald lace coat during these scenes. I mean, I actually screamed when I first saw. It’s so vibrant and luxurious, I don’t know whether to build a shrine to its beauty or just cry about never owning one. Adding the black gloves and black bag with gold chain was masterful. Clearly, the standout look of the episode and it only had seconds of screen time.

So, if every episode was directed like this one, I don’t think I’d be able to handle myself each week. There was so much show, so many visuals and just a sickening amount of dramz. Oh, and to cap it all off, Emily shows up to Victoria’s convent sister and tells her she’s pregnant. I have no idea where she’s going with that, but Sweet Jesus I can’t wait to find out.

Revenge: Victory

Part 2 of 2 - Revenge(!!!) of the Hoodies

Style-wise, things get off to a decent start for Nolan and Padma, the couple so boring that nobody's even thought of combining their names. Nolan looks adorable in his mustard-yellow sweater, patterned navy shirt, and blazer. You can't see them here, but he is also rocking some wicked grey, plaid skinny pants. Padma, by comparison, is her usual meh in this plum-colored, DVF-inspired wrap dress.

Padma, everyone can use a little accessorizing — even when you're concerned that your father is missing a finger. 

Padma does what I can only assume is her version of upping her game when she meets The Initiative for the father/flash drive swap. If I were The Initiative, I might have wanted to kidnap Padma for her stylistic choices alone. This DKNY dress is too big and the giant gold buckle on the belt is not particularly cute, although snaps for the classic Coach bag.

Definitely a poor choice when you're supposed to be rescuing someone who has already suffered a great deal. 

Instead of rescuing Padma's father, #TeamAidlan are forced to watch helplessly as Padma is kidnapped. Immediately after, Nolan changes into a hoody — a.k.a his "I'm stressed" clothing. 

Do you think he borrowed this from the brothers Porter?

Because, similar to the cast of Glee, Jack doesn't need any reason to pull out his fav American Apparel hoody.

What do you do when your fiance goes up in flames on your honeymoon boat, and you need to figure out why? Send your kid brother, in his school uniform, to investigate for you. 

Declan finally proves useful as he helps Jack get closer to realizing what Emily's known all along: The Graysons are behind everything.

Even this:

Those are bullets. That Victoria plucked from her jewelry box. And mailed. To her son. Like I said — kitchen sink.

Revenge: Illumination

Part 2 of 2 – Let's hear it for the grrrls

Between all the deaths, blackmailing, Initiative spookiness you've got to give it up for the ladies of Montauk. They're not about to let their own imminent doom distract from pulling off look after look, with every detail perfect down to the last flatiron curl.

Let's start off with a bit of an appetizer, shall we? Ashley Davenport is the ultimate amuse bouche in this Barbie dream gown:

OK, cold hard truth time: Ashley's got body for days, but this dress is doing her zero favours. It's also got that kind of unfinished Project Runway "I made this dress in 20 minutes using duct tape" sort of look. Get it together, gurl.

Charlotte does her best Blair Waldorf in her school uniform:

Honestly, this could use a hairband, a loosening of the tie, over-the-knee boots or SOMETHING. What, you mean to tell me she goes to the kind of school where you have to wear your uniform in a UNIFORM manner? What kind of school is that? And is it too late for her to transfer to Constance Billard?

But she shows that her DNA includes significant strands of both Queen V and Emily when she pulls out this look for the My Dead Fake Sister Foundation Gala.

Pay no attention to the odd lemon-filled glass in her hand. Just focus on the gorgeous contrast between the black sheer and the feather-ish pattern. And then some snaps for her Veronica Lake 'do. Child, you've come a long way from your past drug addiction and half-hearted mean girling. *Hugs*

Queen V's first look is hardly notable, apart from the fact that this colour is fab on her. 

It's nearly Pantone's Colour of the Year — Emerald! Those jewel tones look perfect against her alabaster complexion. Queen V, like Joan from Mad Men, needs to live in these colours and throw away every ivory-coloured dress in her wardrobe.

See? She's like a grown-up Snow White in this ruby number. 

Gorgeous. That neckline is flawless on her, showing off both the girls and that double-strand necklace. 

Here's the H-to-T, notable mainly for how Victoria's sharing the screen with that ginormous photo of Fauxmanda (RIP).

"I love my dead lover's dead daughter so much! No, really! Also, we take cash and checks! This is entirely not a scam!"

So, just like Eli figured out immediately what Emily was up to, Emily took 3 seconds to figure out that the Dead Stripper Fund was a total scam. It's like the first part of this season was just a warm-up for Emily's renewed revengenda.

And luckily for us, she brought this renewed energy to her fashionz as well as to her scheming.

Gurrrrl. This look is IT. It's ultimate Emily Thorne. She's got the nautical piping on the curve-hugging blazer, the expensive-as-hell skinnies hugging her every curve, and then the (cropped out but trust me, they're there) black ass-kicker boots in case she winds up in an unanticipated ninja type situation. LURVE.

More Gump's...

 

She brings her usual ladylike glam to the Grayson's latest gala. Is it a coincidence she and Queen V were dressed so similarly?

This shade of aubergine is fine on her, but I think I might hand the battle of the long-sleeved body-con dresses to Queen V's bright red number. Still, Emily wins for the most covetable head of hair. Remember the code — the fuller the waves, the higher the threat level? The gauge of her curling iron portends drama almost as well as Nolan's collar situation.

If I were Eli, I'd be watching my back — though legendary and heretofore unknown hacker THE FALCON might be disrupting everyone's plans sometime soon. But don't take my word for it — ask Flashback Nolan: