Absolution - Part 1 of 3 - Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night

Sweet Falcon Crest dramz, y’all. Winter brings out the best in the Hamptons elite as far as I’m concerned. Forget passive aggression, now it’s like a real life game of Clue - I was seriously expecting someone to get clubbed with a candlestick in the Grayson’s Conservatory. The big news is that Daniel is out of prison and in way over his head with Daddy’s widdle secrets. Charlotte got busted for prescription drug use at school (no thanks to Declan) and can’t seem to let go of the whole “being David Clarke’s daughter” thing. I noticed this week that Jack is flying fast and loose with the info about being on the beach when Tyler was shot. That’s fine and all but just to be clear, the case doesn’t “close” just because Daniel’s set free. They could still frame you, you big, dumb handsome slab of handsome. All that said, I think my favourite moments from this week were Emily getting back to her sleuth-y Revenge (!!!) roots. I love a half-assed costumed caper! Oh, and of course Nolan’s “dead” aunt pulling a shotgun. That was just hilarious.

So, Charlotte... let’s talk. Your school uniform is not by choice. I get that. But what overpriced private school can’t match a skirt to a wine-coloured vest? There are so many more plaids to choose from, yet they went with one that’s predominantly blue? Burgundy is one of the easiest colours to complement. Seriously. You got hosed, girl. 

At least her own personal wardrobe is bangin’. This. Dress. For. Reals. Dark grey and almost tweedy? Cinched with a skinny black leather belt? Sure, it kind of looks like you’re covered in asbestos... but it’s a fine looking asbestos. I wonder why Charlotte never really curls her hair? It’s just like Victoria’s - straight with a little volume on the ends. It’s winter girl, try pumping that ‘do up.

Say what you will about the Grayson women, they sure know how to dress for bed. I have to be honest - I totally want Charlotte’s grey silk robe. Not for the floral patterns. Just because it’s hard to find a nice grey silk these days. Victoria’s lacey number... well... it’s cute?

But wait... is Victoria’s lace garment actually meant for daylight and the general public? Oh yes, friends. Girlfriend wears it proudly as her son is interviewed by a primetime investigative journalist. If your family is on the verge of a federal investigation and you'd prefer to wear something lacey and backless over a smart, conservative pant suit, we've got the look for you.

More Valentino...

And you know what?

OK, we’re used to Queen Vic strutting about in body wraps that pass for dresses, but that revealing little number is just one step beyond werking it. Because I seriously feel like you’re working hard to pull it off. You are not on your way to an after party for the 40+ crowd at Coachella. You’re trying to look warm and friendly so the public doesn’t turn on your family who is at the centre of a full scale federal investigation. I mean, whatever happened to this look?

Victoria wore one accessory this week that made me windmill snap - and it was these purple leather gloves. Because DAMN SON.

Chuck knows what I'm talking about.

Aside from dressing like a future Rihanna trying to recapture her youth, Queen Vic also managed to ruin Ashley’s life this week! Poor little British crumpet thought she had a sweet media relations job lined up with the Grayson family lawyer. Here’s Ashley looking so seriously amazing in an emerald dress with her signature gold bracelet that could take down at least one security guard.

And here’s Ashley looking cute and hopeful in this black (possibly) velvet top with a sheer collar that’s a sheer throwback to early 90s formal wear. I swear I saw Alexa Chung wear this six months ago. But whatever, Ashley’s all, “I’m leaving this labyrinth of crazy bitches to start a new life”.

And here’s Ashley scowling on her iPad after getting fired from her media relations job because Victoria’s reference was that she was “a little tricky”. Seriously ouch times.

Of course, every cloud has a silver lining. In this case, it came in the form of silver daddy Conrad who gave Ashley a new silver Lexus in exchange for working at Grayson Global. Girl was clearly desperate and took it. Here’s a thought Ash: if the ex-wife of the man who just hired you could wipe out your future by snapping her fingers, wouldn’t you be a little wary of him? Nope? Alright, well you look fantastic in this rare H to T shot. A patterned skirt and a long trench? Girl, you crazy.

Absolution - Part 2 of 3 - The Boys in the Band

If Conrad Grayson has one thing going for him, it’s that he can pull off the one-button blazer look convincingly. The button is even gold and I still believe it. Naturally, I’m repulsed that he’s even wearing this 90s Wall Street era piece, but it’s a genuine repulsion which, as a writer, I’m comforted by.

Unbuttoned, it doesn’t look so bad. We’ll just add it to your ever-growing Wall of Shame, you bland, uninspired backdrop of a character. I don’t even know what’s going on here because I can’t take my eyes off Queen Vic’s ruffles. They’re so... ruffle-y.

Conrad did fit the bill for all the soapy dramz this week. His study was a perfect setting, too. Dark. Surrounded by windows. Brimming with brandy. And the double doors add the right amount of dramatic tension when it’s time to tell secrets!

But enough about that fool - ain’t nobody got time for that! Because we’re all clearly waiting for Nolan.

I have to say, I’m not in love with this sweater-shirt combo. I can appreciate a good winter sweater with the wacky gingerbread house print. There’s something about cold weather that suspends all you hold dear in terms of acceptable prints. But mixing with a checked shirt? I’m surprised at you, Nolan.

Oh, and this little number. A tracksuit jacket? With little to no collar to speak of? What the hell, dude? Is everything OK? Is there, I don’t know, something from your past that you’re trying to desperately conceal from Emily so it doesn’t blow up in your face and ruin everything?

Huh, look at that. A shotgun wielding aunt who just happens to be the one person who can exonerate David Clarke’s name and put Conrad behind bars. OK, I suppose I can forgive the whole track jacket thing.

There it is! For a minute, I thought winter would defeat Mr. Ross but he always manages to pull it together in the end. The sweater vest is fine, and I’m reassured with the popped collar, but it’s the pants y’all. Oh, those glorious pants. Brown and orange mixed in an almost seersucker fashion? Just take it to the bank, son. 

While Nolan hangs out on the bar, Jack and Declan have a serious “we’re kind of poor” moment since Charlotte’s threatened to cut off Dec’s school tuition. But who cares when your Rich Uncle Nolan can make a phone call to fix that? 

Umm by the way, the little hug Nolan gives Jack before leaving? Adorable. So adorable, in fact, that I’m pretty sure that’s a wistful smile Jack’s throwing down. Bromances are brewin’!

Hopefully Jack doesn’t get himself killed in the meantime. Like I said earlier, he’s pretty open about owning that bloody sweatshirt. And moving Tyler’s body. And when your only “witness” is the concussed guy who just got off for murder, I wouldn’t feel so secure. But at least Jack knows how to rock the winter look. No more hoodies as coats for you! 

Absolution - Part 3 of 3 - Always Be Revenging

Can I just start off saying I love this shot? First, that enormous rock on Em’s finger is always hilarious. Does it double as an anchor? It doesn’t matter actually, because from that sign I see behind her, as long as you live on the coast everything is just dandy! Once you get past the plots for destroying each other’s reputation and livelihoods, of course. 

So, girl rocked a LOT of black this week. And that scarf was everywhere. That’s all well and good, but I’m used to my girl looking polished and proper in some basic colours. Frankly, I was a little disappointed.

But I think Em shared my feelings. Did she seem a little emotional this week?

One of the best scenes from this episode is the reunion at Riker’s Island. Daniel’s accused of being a spoiled 1-percenter who’s getting away with murder, so naturally his super hot girlfriend shows up in a stunning coat. Daniel doesn’t look to shabby either. I’m a sucker for oversized anchor buttons. The pirate cuffs on Emily’s coat are tough to swallow, but the rest (including the shades) is perfect.

Now that homeboy is out of the slammer, he’s got a few questions. And since Jack showed up to chat about the bloody sweatshirt*, Daniel’s starting to suspect something is up. FINALLY.

*note: I’m not giving up on this Jack sweater deal because seriously, who keeps that secret only to spill it to the guy who went to jail for the related murder charge!?

Emz is still doing her best impression of a caring girlfriend which, if I may be honest, is as flat as Declan’s chest. But that’s OK because this week, Daniel was the one who was hiding a fiendish plot. How can you tell? Oh, just this over-the-shoulder action. 

Sweet Georgia Brown, that boy knows how to wear a suit. There’s nothing remarkable about it, really. Typical black suit. But the inclusion of the vest is a nice touch. Maybe a little too formal for this television interview, but you have to appreciate the effort. 

I’ll get to Emily’s dress in a minute, I just had to include this because of the make-up artist. Is that a hipster version of Emily Thorne? Are we privy to a clue here? Because really, we’ve seen Em wear a variety of costumes (and one ill-fitting accent). Do you think she can be two people at the same time? Or is she hiring people off the street as “back-ups”? If you couldn't tell, I'm totally invested in this show.

Alright, this blue dress. AMAZATRONS. Eerily similar to how Charlotte was styled for the same scene, but a triumph for the wardrobe department. Deep cobalt blue, with a deep-v, complemented by a leather belt that only adds to Emily’s ridiculous figure. It’s all happening here, y’all.

What else can I say but:

Favourite random character of the week? The television reporter. A sad mix of Ms. Barbara Walters and Katie Couric. She’s got the glossy Barbara pearls that are hilariously oversized and clearly from Sears. You’re not fooling anyone, honeychild. And she's got that sassy bob news ladies love to rock in place. I have a question for you ma’am: did you style yourself? 

After the interview, Emily starts her search for Nolan’s previously mentioned shotgun wielding aunt. However, she doesn’t know that part of the story - all she has are two initials. So what does our girl do? Some good old fashioned Revenging (!!!). Naturally, you start on the internet. ABC, you couldn’t get Google?

It’s been WAY too long since we’ve seen Emily rock a fake identity and costume. Her best accessory this week was that fake ass badge. It’s so cute! Don’t ever change, girlfriend.

Mini-Recap: Absolution

We're still in the dead of winter in the Hamptons as the new trial of the decade (what was the other one?) comes to a close after the "suicide" and "confession" by Lee. Jack pieces together the clues like he's a revenge (!!!) pro, but it still takes dear, sweet, dim Daniel a minute to put it together after Jack tells him. Although, Daniel may not be so sweet since he's doubling down on Grayson even after Conrad confesses the truth about David Clarke. And Conrad is about to be taken down by the SEC and Queen V - they're totally doing Emily's job for her.  Nolan has been hiding a David Clarke journal AND and Aunt Carol who knows the truth about David Clarke's death. Meanwhile, mostly plotless Ashley tries to give notice to get a job with the lawyer, but Queen V stops that from happening. Good thing Conrad is around to buy her with a brand new Lexus, a job at Grayson Global, and hopefully a storyline. And how do you help your pill popping teenage daughter? Take her to visit the grave of her dead terrorist father, that's how (and totally discover someone else is leaving him flowers...who could it be?!?).

Emily's Target

No red sharpie'ing anyone this week. No, this week is all about reconnaissance into who helped the Grayson's kill her father.

Gala of the Week
Other than the Occupy Daniel protests outside the courthouse (it trended on Twitter), no parties this week. Hey, it's off-season in the Hamptons.

Best Dressed
Queen V hanging out around the house in her casual wear: a burgundy scoop back, lacy crocheted sheath dress.

Most Soapy Moment
Which to choose? Nolan's secret Aunt Carol? Conrad admitting everything to Daniel like a Bond villain? Or Daniel sitting alone in his dad's office now that he knows he's going to run a corporation that frames innocent men? I'm going to go with the latter.

Over-the-Shoulder Hugs: 0
But she does shoot Daniel some seriously icy glares when he sticks by Conrad, even after Conrad admitted what the Graysons did to David Clarke.



Stop by on Saturday when Anthony gives us the lowdown on the revengers (!!!).