Suspicion - Part 1 of 3 - Not Ready For Revenge(!!!) Players

Oh. My. Dramz. You guys, how good was this? I mean, on a scale of 1 to Delicious? There was intrigue, duplicity, treachery... all of which are episode titles. OK, so the writers aren’t exactly subtle. That’s fine, because I was too busy watching Crazypants Tyler spiral out of control. In fact, spiraling is a great visual because Queen Vic is caught in a spiral of guilt, Emily is afraid her intricate plot for revenge(!!!) is spiraling out of control, Fauxmanda is clearly trapped in a skank spiral, and Nolan has spiraled his way even further into our hearts. So, with secrets like Fauxmanda’s coming clean (about her [fake] past), and Tyler’s weird sexual ambiguity (that I totally called) coming to a head, it looks like we’re building for some serious Red Sharpie of Doom(!!!) action. Wow, I am clearly in a parentheses spiral. I had to get one more in.

Well, Editor Jen was right, this green screen business drove me a little batty this week. But, looking back, it’s kind of hilarious. Queen Vic is sitting up in her Plotting Balcony being all, “I’m in the Hamptons!”, when she’s probably standing on a box in a soundstage somewhere on the West Coast. Seriously, watch the episode again and listen to the dialogue. Emily says something like, “...it’s so beautiful”, and then you realize the actors are looking at blank wall. Ah, the magique of television. 

Alright, who is this woman? Are the Graysons’ running a halfway house for the rich and bored? She’s clearly intruding on the meeting Conrad, Daniel, and Crazypants are having - and it looks like she just came from Grey Gardens. Lady, a fluorescent pink hat is not going to help you blend into the background. 

Man, why couldn’t Emily’s dad have stayed alive. Stone cold fox. Although, maybe he is alive? Maybe this is all some sort of elaborate revenge(!!!) on his part for Emily screwing up his affair with Queen Vic? Maybe I’ve gotten wrapped up in conspiracy theories since watching this program... 

Ah yes, Flashback Vic - she wears white because she was innocent back then. That style of dress is quite flattering, and she always looks like a million dollar bill, but shouldn’t the costume department change up Victoria’s wardrobe once in a while? Let’s see her in something more loose and relaxed. No wonder she’s uptight all the time. 

Hey! Conrad! You’re not wearing the same suit for the whole episode which can only mean one thing: a Grayson Soiree! I enjoy his burgundy tie to the right; it’s very ‘Wall Street’ after the Gecko effect. 

“Get the hell out of my house, you hippies!” - Conrad Grayson 

Winning the Adorable Award this week is none other than feisty troublemaker, Declan! A round of applause for the little guy who won’t quit until he nails himself a rich piece. OK, that was low. I mean, he did prove that he loves Charlotte with or without her cash... picking up $25,000 on the side is just a perk, right? Just imagine all of the American Apparel tanks and hoodies he’ll be able to buy now! FYI, I have that tank top only in a grey stripe pattern, and yes, Declan wears it better.

Actually, forget American Apparel, they can go straight to the safari shirt outlet where Jack clearly has something in every colour. So, Vic and Jack essentially wear the same clothing every week, but in different shades. Now I don’t know if I should chastise the costume department or buy them a drink for their manic consistency.

When he’s not behind the bar - and we can see his pants - Jack is actually a J.Crew model. And he looks damn fine doing so. The deck shoes and cuffed jeans are impeccable. If it wasn’t for Nolan burnin’ down the house this week, I’d pick Jack as my fav.

Oh that crafty bitch... wearing the same shirt as Jack to win his affections? That’s a pro move. Why can’t he see the crazy? Why!? She sounds like she has peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth forever.

“Jakjhgkjasd[fck, I loaksjhgheve yalkshgkjasou.” - Fauxmanda

Suspicion - Part 2 of 3 - Ferocious Females

I hope you wore a scarf this week, because temperatures around Emily and Queen Vic were sub-zero. I haven’t seen acting that was so naturally bitchy in a very long time. I bet Emily Van Camp and Madeline Stowe actually hate each other. Anyway, Vic had some brass ones this week because she marched over to Emily’s, went inside, and did the whole, “I know girls like you” speech that’s in every early 90s movie. Girl, why don’t you just call her out, gank that weave, and settle it like drag queens?

“Thank you for coming to my party, draped all over my son that I have a stronger-than-most attachment to, Emily.”

“You’re welcome, you two-timing harpie. Enjoy your last few days of living without the crushing knowledge that your ex-lover’s daughter systematically destroyed your life.”

*dramatization - may not have happened

This kind of aggression is so passive, it even got to Emily, who had to dial the mysterious “X”. Who could it be? Clearly, someone dangerous. And mysterious. Mysteriously dangerous, if you will. Uhhhhh - I love the dramatic tension! 

OK, back to the clothing! The huge, comfy, buttony sweater that Emily wore at the top of the episode is now on my Want list. Or something to that effect, at least. I suppose it’s the winter season that’s got me craving knitwear, but that sweater just looks like amazatrons. Too bad she ditched it in favour of this weird tribal inspired top with the wooden beads. Sorry darlin’, I’m not into that. 

They brought Lydia back only to have her constantly in white? Where’s my party girl!? Yeah, she fell about 8 stories and survived, but why should that keep her from wearing a peppy robe with a retro pattern? The scalloped cardigan isn’t awful, but it’s a little matronly.

You know, this was getting a little too, “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” for me. I’m glad Lyds is out of Grayson Manor. Anyone else find it funny that Vic was trying to hide Lydia, but kept her in the ground floor suite? Like, “pay no attention to the invalid behind the curtain” territory. Maybe she thought her purple dress would distract everyone - too bad we’ve seen it before.

Yeah, this broad is officially crazy. Why? SNAKESKIN PURSE - that’s why.

And apparently, when you’re in juvie brushing your hair is against regulations. 

So, who knocked it out of the park for the ladies this week? Ashley, obviously! Coral is such an amazing colour on her, and pairing something fun and light with a heavy industrial piece like her necklace was amazing. I’d hire her for just about anything if she walked into my office like that. Plus, the striped skirt is really effin’ cute. My only qualm this week is the $5000-fraud alert “dress” she’s wearing. We’re all seeing an oversized doily, right? And while I love the edgy necklace, the matching earrings are sort of like Dominatrix-Hits-The Hamptons with her outfit.

Oh Charlotte, don’t ever change. You just might be the cutest... umm... however old you are teen on television. Don’t get me wrong, I love my PLL girls to the max, but Charlotte rocks a floral 70s aesthetic that I’m really into right now. It’s all good, except for that damn purse.

In the words of Queen Vic, “Tonight’s the night for what, dear?”

Oh. I see. You’ve got that, “I’m a virgin who’s going to have sex with my new boyfriend” look in your eye. I haven’t seen that look in years - carry on, you two. Stay safe!

Suspicion - Part 3 of 3 - Man Crush City

For the record, Crazypants is not included in my Man Crush list.

It was a rough week to be Daniel. Not only did Tyler seduce his way to a killer commission, but we were all reminded that Emily is taller than Daniel. And that she speaks fluent Japanese. And that his sale tactics include recalling trips to Tokyo Disney, and using his girlfriend’s rack to woo foreign investors. Won’t he be embarrassed when he finds out that Japanese guy is Emily’s Revenge(!!!) Sensei! However, we need to address this blue blazer look. I’m not quite sure if it’s truly is a blue shade, but I don’t care, it’s lovely. Daniel seems to have a knack for pairing dark shirts with lighter blazers, which I appreciate. 

He also has the pectorals of an Olympian which I can also appreciate. As well as his teammates. This is a late Thanksgiving sentiment, but it still counts

And, it reminded me to watch one of my favourite movies of all time - “Top Gun”! 

OK y’all, this is what YKYLFer Ann Foster has been waiting for: The Nolan Lookbook 2011.

First, we see him on the pier as spots Fauxmanda working her charms on poor, naive, shortsighted Jack. The look? Let’s go with Conspirator Casual. I like the cream belt on similarly coloured pants, and I always love me some plaid. Buttoned down to the sexy zone, no less. How coy.

But here my friends, is where I, much like Ann, lost my shit:

Oxford collar. Pinstripe suit. Barbershop inspired shirt. Matching pocket square. And no, your eyes are not deceiving you - A PAISLEY BOWTIE. All of which combine to make Nolan the sexiest man on television this week. Put this fella next to Chuck Bass and let’s see what happens. My guess is a clash of silken fabrics and patterns resulting in myself, and many ladies around the world, gasping at the top of our lungs.

Brava.

Mhmm. Girl, you got the devil in you.

I wish this show was set in Provincetown, and not the Hamptons, because then Nolan would access to more boys instead of settling for Crazypants. I can’t even stand to look at him anymore. I mean, that’s the outfit you bought with Nolan’s credit card? Did you go shopping in a time machine?

“First, when there’s nothing...”

YOU CAN’T EVEN BUY A REAL TANK TOP. Why not ask Declan? Or Jack? They’re running an American Apparel outlet beneath the pub.

So, the Tyler being all, “I sleep with whoever I need to get ahead” schtick is sort of ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I love the (homo)sexual tension, but I just don’t see this weasel faced tool as someone who gets naked. Or touches other people. It would be like watching a mannequin come to life and not look like Kim Cattrall. Girlfriend picked up those bedroom eyes at Ikea.

But I guess it was good enough to convince Ashley.

Seriously, teh best show evar.

Mini Recap: Suspicion

This week on TEH BEST SHOW EVER: Oh, not much. All that happened was that Emily called upon her Japanese revenge mentor, Skank!Emily told Jack that she was the real Amanda Clarke, Nolan wore THE MOST AMAZING OUTFIT EVER, Declan and Charlotte tricked Queen V into basically paying him $25,000 to date Charlotte, Lydia realized that Queen V is more prison warden than nursemaid, Conrad helped Lydia escape to parts unknown, Ashley agrees to help Queen V get the goods on Emily, and Nolan discovered that Tyler knew about Lydia's speech and then he TOTALLY OUTS TYLER TO ASHLEY as part of his scheme to TOTALLY DESTROY TYLER. Also, volleyball.

Emily's Nolan's Target
Emily hung out with her sensei, and Nolan proved his worth as her pupil as the pieces of his plan to TOTALLY DESTROY TYLER fell into place. The Red Sharpie of Doom did not make an appearance, but I think that's because Nolan hasn't gotten his black belt in Revenge (!!!) yet. Once Emily sees his great progress, maybe he'll get a Sharpie of his own. 

Gala of the Week
Even Ashley was like, "Queen V, you haven't been throwing as many parties lately. What's up?" That must be why she hosted what seemed to be Tyler's Hey, invest your money with me and my pansexual greasy hair! soiree.  

Best Dressed 
Nolan out-Chuck-Bass-ed Chuck Bass himself in his stripey shirt and paisley bowtie ensemble. BEST OUTFIT EVER. For serious. Me + Nolan = SOULMATES 4-EVA.  

Most Soapy Moment
Well, the point where Fake!Emily started pretending she was Real!Amanda to Jack, my mind kind of collapsed inside of all of the soapish treachery. But the soapiest moment def. has to be the revelation that Emily learned the ways of revenge (!!!) from a powerful Japanese CEO, and she just so happens to speak fluent Japanese. OK, I don't know if that's the most soapy moment or just the MOST AWESOME PART OF THE BEST EPISODE OF THE BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME.

After the usual YKYLF staffer wig-pulling catfight, Anthony came out on top as the lucky guy who gets to recap this hour of NON STOP AMAZEBALLS. Check his recap on Saturday. REVENGE!!!!!