Charade - Part 1 of 3 - Hamptons royalty

This week's installment had killer strippers, sugar-free margaritas, gay hustlers, restraining orders, and social-climbing sociopaths. Emily calls the warden of her former juvie facility, who appears to have been her mentor, and who's got her back. Since she's so busy with that biz-nas, she gets Nolan to handle Tyler solo. I don't think Nolan's actions are quite what she meant, as he is quite literally handled by Tyler. Frank manages to track down Real Emily Thorne, working at the world's most modest strip club. Things don't look so good for the Dangerous Duo, until Real Emily Thorn totally kills Frank with a crowbar. But murders aren't all fatal on Revenge (!!!) as comatose Lydia is waking up. She better have amnesia, that's the only thing missing from this show at this point.

Before we get into the clothes, I need to teach you how to properly say the show's title. Grit your teeth, clench one fist and raise it to shoulder-height, palm side facing you. Shake fist three times as you vow to take "REVENGE" (!!!)

Good job. One fabulous recap, coming up!

So, the episode starts with a celebration of Queen Victoria's 25-year marriage to Conrad. Don't they look so totes happy and in luuurve? Colour-coordinated with the white and the black and the grey. Cosmo's body language expert says: These do not look at all like two people who actively despise one another!

It's really weird that The New York Times features a gigantic article about the wedding anniversary of two Hampton-ites, and above the fold, too! However, apparently the Graysons are like the the Hamptons version of the British royal family, because suddenly Daniel's relationship with Emily is being promoted like the US version of Wills & Kate:

Queen V is not so impressed with Grayson, Jr. stealing the spotlight from the story about her "happy" "marriage". I like the lace trim on her tee here, it's like her version of casualwear:

What's black and white and evil all over? Victoria, in this week's episode! Love this neckline:

You can tell these next two outfits are in flashbacks because they take place during her beige phase:

So then, what does it mean at the end, when she's in this amazeballs beige negligee? Or I guess when it's a negligee, you're supposed to call it "nude" and not "beige." It's the perfect thing to wear when standing contemplatively on the Plotting Balcony of your mansion, thinking about all of your past misdeeds. While hearing your former lover (?) and security guard being TOTALLY MURDERED BY A STRIPPER (oops, is that a spoiler?)

King Conrad continues to wear very well-cut (and therefore quite boring) suits and ties. I did like his take on "casualwear" (worn in the same scene at Victoria's "t-shirt"):

Remember how Daniel was cut off from his family money, and that's why he had to start working at Jack's bar? I don't think his parents remember that, as he hangs out with Queen V and King C with no awkwardness whatsoever.

He's also a lot cuter than I remember. I guess being in luuurve (even if your GF is actually a crazy psycho probably using you as part of her long-term REVENGE [!!!] plans) suits him?

And maybe Pan Am hasn't paid attention to our pleas for more shirtless hotties, but Daniel obliges us this week, frolicking adorably with Emily in the surf:

Is that... a tattoo of words, going up his right side? Is that a Daniel-tattoo or a tattoo that the actor has? Somebody google this for me, thx.

Here's the front view of Daniel's shirtlessness (along with an uncharacteristically relaxed, happy Emily) post-beach frolic:

Hmm... I like where they're going with this shirtlessness, but they need to stop half-hiding Daniel so we can figure out where he fits on the YKYLF Hierarchy of Shirtless Men (currently Jason from True Blood is tied for the lead with Caleb from Pretty Little Liars). 

And the forgotten member of the Grayson clan, Charlotte, pulls out some cute outfits this week. However, first I'd like to point out how, when she's being interviewed by the Times reporter, Victoria is like "The birth of our beloved son, Daniel, cemented our loving marriage. Oh, and Charlotte too, I guess. Whatevs."

Remember Charlotte was hating her mother? Yeah, I think she forgot about that, too. Anyway, this white top is charming and age-appropriate:

And what does a socialite wear for a day of power-shopping, followed by visiting your boo where he's shucking oysters on the pier? I guess this ruffly top will do, although I don't get why so many people are wearing white pants this week. Am I the only one who would never wear white pants, because of how I just know I'd accidentally sit in a pile of ketchup mixed with grass stains?

And finally, her dress for her 'rents anniversary dinner is also really cute. Love the sparkly detail up top:

And here's the happy couple, at the conclusion of their not-at-all-catastrophic anniversary dinner party:

Can you feel the love tonight? ... no? 

Charade - Part 2 of 3 - The enemies of Emily

Jeez, a girl sets out to destroy a few dozen lives and suddenly everybody's rooting against her? There have only been 7 episodes, how does she have so many enemies already?

Starting with Intense Security Guy Frank, who's half out to AVENGE (!!) his layoff from the Graysons and half out to win the heart of Victoria. Here's his look when Emily finds him chillaxing in her casa: rumpled suit (like he hasn't changed since Queen V broke his heart & fired him) and oversized firearm (borrowed from Emily).

He's like a dog with a bone, sensing that something's off about Emily and checking under every rock to find out what it is. I wonder how he managed to track down this strip club... could it be the neon stripper silhouette added to the side of this otherwise-innocuous building? (Note, he's still wearing the same rumpled suit - has he even taken a bathroom break in his failed quest?)

And it is under that same glowing neon stripper that Frank finally meets his maker... or does he? Seriously, though, when Real Emily Thorne was like "Did you tell anybody else about me? No? OK, meet me in the parking lot in one hour," that he was obviously about to get a crowbar to the skull from THE NOXZEMA GIRL!

Seriously. Did you not think of The Noxema Girl once we saw Real Emily Thorn out of her stripper wig? On the left, Real Emily Thorn. On the right, Rebecca Gayheart before the whole vehicular homicide thing, and before she married McSteamy:

Whether you see the comparison or not, I cover Real Emily's curls. How does she think the blond wig is better stripper hair? When I was writing the mini-recap I gave best-dressed honours to Real Emily's sassy stripper-cop outfit. I do still think it's fab, but upon re-watching, I may have to change my mind... stay tuned for the next part for deets.

Anyway, here's Real Emily in her stripperific glory. Don't you think she's kind of an overdressed stripper? Like, I don't know how she plans to strip out of that bodysuit in any sort of graceful manner.

Anyway, after she TOTALLY MURDERS FRANK, she shows up on Emily's doorstep looking all wholesome and sweet in this stripey tee. Why did I put her in the "enemies" category? Well, I don't think she's making a social call on her ex-roommie. Frank told her that Emily's dating the son of a multi-billionaire, and I think Real Emily's out for some hush-hush money.

I also think the Hamptons are going to get even awesomer now that she's in town. MURDER STRIPPER!

Declan makes a surprise appearance in the enemies category, too. Why is he so obsessed with having Emily get together with Jack? Why does he think Emily led Jack on? Why is he wearing so many silver rings?

Seriously. That's like three rings in one hand. He really should have taken Charlotte up on her offer to dress him. Remember? When she went to talk to him on the oyster-shucking pier, she offered him a bag of clothes and he refused.

I understand if you forgot that scene, it happened in front of the world's worst greenscreen harbourfront "special" "effect":

"I am totes really on a pier! Look at the water and ships behind me! Also, those were not at all somebody else's hands shucking the oyster! I am an actor of many talents!"

And what's a discussion of Emily's many enemies without mentioning that festering wound of skeevetastic annoyance, Tyler "eyeballs like dartboards for THE SHARPIE OF DOOM" McAwfulstein. Here is, modelling the latest nautical wear for psychotic douchelords:

And then here he is, just hangin' out all relaxed and shizz in his purple polo and aviators:

Oh, sorry, did I say he was looking relaxed here? Rather, he's demonstrating how by clenching every muscle in his body, he's able to keep from reaching over and murdering Daniel and Emily, so undisguised is his hatred of both of them.

He's still got this purple polo on later, when blackmail-time turns into sexytimes chez Nolan:

And now Tyler's sucked Ashley into his Web Of Douchery. Or, maybe she was always an asshole and we just never noticed before. She's always been well-dressed, but now we learn that she's only working for the Graysons as Step One in a pretty stupid plan to become rich herself.

Whatevs, her shoes here are ferosh and I love her separates. This is how you do classic American sportswear.

Those shoes are OFF THE HOOK. If your party planner shows up looking like this, watch your back, is what I learned this week.

This look is cute, but I'm distracted by a) how she can hold hands with Tyler without vomiting, and b) what's that splash of yellow behind them?

Why, it's the brightest dressed extra EVER! This lady was seriously in the background of this ENTIRE SCENE and I kind of love her.

When it turns out in the season finale that this lady is the one who shot Daniel? I reserve the right to say "told you so." Because why else would they make one extra stand out this much? Or maybe she's the costume designer, and she chose her own outfit - knowing how much it would stand out - and she just snuck onto the set. Who knows? Just a little extra slice of awesome in this week's mega-awesome-overload episode.

What were we talking about? Oh, right, the suddenly-maybe-evil Ashley. And her cute party dress.

Actually, it's not even that cute. Maybe turning suddenly evil makes you lose your fashion sense. 

Charade - Part 3 of 3 - Emily & her cowering minions

So, this week we meet a new friend of Emily's - Warden Sharon Stiles from the juvenile facility where Emily used to live. Is she Emily's REVENGE (!!!) mentor? Why was she reminding Emily not to underestimate her enemies? Anyway, her outfit is fairly standard for a woman in her position, and I look forward to seeing more of her.

I'm also glad to know that Emily's got a widespread team of minions to help her out with her plans.

Closer to home, Jack is not quite a minion, but he's certainly smitten with her. WAITASEC - cute bartender with shaggy hair and plaid shirts who pines after a girl who is otherwise occupied? Is he also, perhaps, a SHAPESHIFTER?

The man can wear a plaid shirt well, is all I have to say about this. He also looks ripe for some shirtless scenes - the YKYLF Hierarchy of Shirtless Men is always open to new applicants!

Yes, like you, Nolan.

I think this week might mark the time that everybody starts to fall in luuurve with Nolan as much as I have since episode one. I believe it was fellow YKYLF writer L-A who noted that if Revenge (!!!) is Veronica Mars, then Jack is Duncan and Nolan is Logan. And by the end of Veronica Mars, all that anybody wanted was more Logan.

Anyway, we can chart Nolan's progress this week via his level of collar poppage. He starts out on guard - the white collar is popped, the blue plaid one is down. This combo of collar levels indicates that he's not sure what he's thinking, and so is covering all of his bases.

When he comes to visit Emily, he's only wearing one collar and... wait a sec. Is this collar HALF POPPED AND HALF DOWN?

Kinda looks like it. This very rare type of collar pop indicates either a) the wardrobe department didn't fix his collar between takes or, b) he's showing that he could go either way. And in the following scene, we see that the latter is certainly true.

What to wear to seduce/interrogate/con the skeezy guy who's been ruining your BFF's plans? How about ALL BLACK WITH THE COLLAR DOWN?

I don't think we've ever seen Nolan in a dark colour before. I think he's going method-actor with this "destroy Tyler through seduction" plan, and dressed dark to play the part. He probably had to buy a black shirt just for this conversation, because everything else he owns is either white or preppy colours.

Which brings us to Fake Emily, the Hamptons' own Princess Kate. Her costumes this week were quite literal, actually. This first black-and-white outfit was worn during a scene where the line "a zebra never changes her stripes" is spoken. You know the costume lady (the one in yellow from the scene before) was like, "Yes! This is the perfect scene for her to wear black and white stripes!"

Then later, when she goes to bring Jack a gift in the bar, she's all innocence and wholesomeness - like how Jack reminds her of her idyllic childhood - in this cute white cotton top.

And then, at the same party where her suddenly slightly evil ex-BFF Ashley compares Emily and Daniel to William and Kate, Emily busts out this green version of Kate Middleton's famous blue engagement dress:

Loves it. That green colour looks amazing on Her Royal Hamptons-ness. I'm afraid I have to strip (pun intended) Real Emily of this week's "best dressed" honours, and give it to Fake Emily here. Hopefully Real Emily won't come after me with a crowbar now.

Anyway, unlike Kate Middleton, who went from being a sporty, wholesome teen to a princess - Emily went from being a sullen, terrifying teen to a more subtly terrifying adult. Flashback!

Yeah, if she'd shown up in the Hamptons looking like that, she probably would have had so much success weaseling her way into high society. It's amazing what some highlights, better-fitting clothes, and an extremely organized plan for Revenge (!!!) can do for a girl!

Mini Recap: Charade

YOU GUYS! THIS SHOW! I JUST... OK. So, it's Queen V and King C's 25th wedding anniversary, and they hate one another just as much as the day they got married. Emily entrusts Nolan for his first solo takedown, sending him to get dirt on Tyler. Nolan discovers Tyler used to be a gay hustler, and so they TOTALLY DO IT! But it's all part of Nolan's soon-to-be-revealed REVENGE (!!!) plan. BUT THEN! Frank tracks down Amanda Clarke's former juvie roommate, now working as a stripper. He phones Victoria to let her know Emily is not Emily, but then Real Emily Thorne TOTALLY HITS HIM ON THE HEAD WITH A CROWBAR! TWICE! AND LEAVES HIM IN A DITCH! And then she shows up at Fake Emily's Hamptons beach house with Frank's phone...

Emily's Target
Third week in a row with no RED SHARPIE OF DOOM. Much as I want to see it lodged directly in Tyler's eyeball, Emily's too busy with Frank and Tyler's scheming to get in any of her own Revenge (!!!).  

Gala of the Week
The Grayson's 25th Anniversary Dinner is just like the marriage it's celebrating: a total mess. Tyler is a no-show because he's too busy TOTALLY DOING IT WITH NOLAN, which upsets Ashley (who was supposed to be his date). And then Declan goes postal on everybody, calling them all out as liars and hypocrites. But Charlotte thinks that's hot, so it works out for the teens. 

Best Dressed 
How can I not give this to Real Emily Thorne's surprisingly tasteful stripper-cop ensemble? Those boots are FABULOUS and she was working the hat and belt. I also need to point out that in one critical scene, Nolan's collar looked like it may have been at HALF-POP - popped up on the left and down on the right. That perfectly summarizes his moral ambiguity this week.

Most Soapy Moment
Again, it goes to Real Emily Thorne taking down Frank with a crowbar in the stip club parking lot? I'm pretty excited about this new murderous stripper character. Throw in a long-lost evil twin (and/or someone with crazy multiple personalities), and it's officially THE BEST SOAP OPERA EVER MADE.

Who's the lucky writer who gets to do Friday's full recap? Oh, ME! Ann! Now, I need to go back and watch this awesomesauce all over again. REVENGE! (!!!)