Intrigue - Part 1 of 3 - Masculine (Yet Sensitive) Men

Episode Synopsis: So, the Vengeful Duo seem to be in a sticky spot this week. Why’s that? Oh, no reason... except that Frank is basically a supercop. Emily did not know what she was tangling with there. Perhaps the RED SHARPIE OF DOOM(!!!) will find a new victim? Of course, that means she’ll need a new photo. I suggest a topless photo shoot because y’all know that Frank is chiseled. But until that happens, Emily is busy balancing her fauxmance with Daniel, her deep desire for Jack, and her raging hatred for Creepy Tyler (who’s apparently a roofie queen). So, while Queen Vic and Conrad deal with Lyds taking a tumble into a taxi, Ashley is planning yet another Hamptons Gala, Charlotte slums it for reals with Declan, Nolan pops his collar, and we are satisfied with soapy dramz for another week. Sweet Fancy Moses, I love this show.

Why Conrad Grayson, who would have thought you’d fully embrace your WASPy-ness with a kicky sweater tied ‘round your neck? It’s a nice change of pace from your dour business suits that leave a lot to be desired. P dot S, that’s a two hour commute every time you head back to NYC to “tidy things up” - WTF? Plus, you’re offering your jet, I repeat, your JET, to Frank for a getaway vehicle? Girl, your carbon footprint is atrocious. 

See, even Frank is pissed. Although, that may have to deal with his dismissal. OK, so he tried to killed Lydia, who is still alive through a major soap opera miracle. Semantics. Sidebar: you KNOW she’s coming back to mess shit up. Frank, as one dude to another, take the money and buy a suit outside of the grey family... then run.

In the last few episodes, I’ve started to feel slightly sad about Daniel’s character because, you know, he gets iced on the beach. That was until I saw this outfit - white pants? I’ll shoot you right now, sister. You’re not going to Diddy’s White Party (obviously), so there’s no need to have white pants. At least his blazer is banging and the shirt is a great colour for a dinner date. But that set of pants, y’all - I’m done.

Two things here:

1. I thought Daddykins cut you off? Either you’re snorting a LOT of coke later, or being “cut off” in the Grayson family means only having one gigantic wad of bills to carry around. 

2. What’s the fascination with cream-coloured fashion this week? Take that Members Only tragedy and buy yourself a little something in an earth tone. If LL Bean and J.Crew had a drunken one night stand, Daniel would watch from the corner.

And at the other end of the spectrum, we have Jack who clearly has a monopoly on double breast-pocket shirts. You know, Jack...there’s only so much you can put in your pockets. Do you always need two on the chest? Leave the towel though, it’ll come in handy when you sob about being the most eligible man in town who can’t seem to score a single piece of action.

Yeah, right here is a perfect time to lean on that bar towel. And against a backdrop of what my roommate (a visual effects designer) called, “really poorly composited” fireworks. Sigh. How embarrassing.

Frankly, Jack needs to take lessons from his broham, Nolan. As fellow YKYLF staffer Ann F. pointed out, he’s clearly more relaxed in this scene because of the limp collar. I like to think that Nolan has a strict rule about his collars like, “Not a single collar shall be popped before 4 p.m.”, or something like that

Come on you guys... look at yourselves! Nolan - you’re adorable, even with your Jonas throwback hair. But Jack, honey, you knew you were going to the Grayson’s and you didn’t even change your shirt? GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH YOU HANDSOME BASTARD.

Don’t even get me started on Declan this week. I will say that I like his t-shirt/sweatshirt thing he’s working in this shot. At first, I thought it was a 3/4 length sleeve which would have made me lose my mind; I love baseball tees. But on closer inspection, I realized he’s probably just really, really tiny. You have to give him credit though - reading “The Journal” before heading to the party? While wearing the finest American Apparel has to offer? Ballsy.

Even more ballsy was his lobster theft. Child, I grew up on the east coast of everything (the US, Ireland, Canada) and I can guarantee you that stealing from a lobster trap will result in you getting a hand cut-off like Jasmine (almost) did in “Aladdin”.

So, I think I’m going to hand out a YKYLF Award this week for “Best Interpretation of a Sociopathic Crazy Pants” to none other than Creepy Tyler! Shall we take a closer look?

You would have to be cray cray to wear that tie. What the hell is that? I imagined a bolo tie designer thinking, “I need to get into fabrics!”, before that came into the world. Trash it, fool. 

If you’re going to be snide at dinner, you might as well wear a camel blazer and pale blue shirt. Truth: I really like this look. Only for the summer of course, but I think the colour pallette is clean, pressed and preppy, and basically looks good on anyone.

And then...

This is where shit got reals. What’s with the sassy hand on the hip? Angry that your man-crush is in love with a filthy rich evil genius with flawless hair no matter what time of day or situation she finds herself? Mmhmm. Oh, so angry that you CONCUSS yourself? I actually thought he would try to push the house over in a fit of rejected closet case rage, but he just banged his head. And if you think I’m on the wrong track with Tyler being part of the Velvet Mafia, well...

I rest my case.

Intrigue - Part 2 of 3 - Hamptons Livin' Ain't Easy

Well, “Sexy Pants of the Week” definitely goes to Ashley for rocking the bejesus out of these dresses. First up, this ridiculously hot skirt with yellow top. DEAD. She looks so amazing in this, I (very briefly) questioned my sexuality; and that, my friends, is saying something. If I was going to dress as a girl for anything - wedding, brunch, school, errands - I’d want to look like this... and I know I’m not alone in that, boy or girl regardless. 

OK, I had to make a photoboard of Ashley’s July 4th dress because it was fantastic, and unfortunately only on screen for about :45 seconds. Hey, “Revenge” editing team - check yourself before we wreck you. The colour? Great. The belt? Adorable. The ruffled shoulder strap? Girrrrrrrllllllll.

Yet another Ashley shot because this is a great example of the fashion we’re missing. Sadly, we’ll never know how sexy this aqua mashup looked with her gold, woven belt. Plus, Ashley was wearing this outfit when she verbally destroyed Emily calling her a Grade-A Bitch, which was kind of a Grade-C Bitch move. Did I mention I adore this show?

Umm, I’m not one to judge (harshly), but didn’t we already see Charlotte in this floral number? Plus, look at that piss poor harem behind her. Boring, tired and lame; especially the one with a pink tiger iPhone cover. Yikes. However, I did manage to find some nautical-esque fashion for our Glee editor, L-A. It’s no nautical stripe, but we’ll manage. 

Hilary Swank? Jennifer Garner? Jenna Rink? Good lord woman, make up your mind. Nice dress, but I think Ashley’s was better... and little more tarty.

Finally, this week we got our “Lady & The Tramp” moment between Charlotte and Declan. Cutesauce to the max - it’s adorable when money slums it with the working class.

Oh, and shout out to the residents of the Hamptons this week! Remember how Emily and Ashley were all surprised that Jack showed up to the Graysons’ party? Well, judging by the crowds' fashion sense, it doesn’t look like the event was that exclusive. Boy, tuck in your shirt - you’re standing next to Two-Collars Nolan.

Intrigue - Part 3 of 3 - Passive Aggressive Pals

How clever am I putting Emily and Victoria last so you’d have to read the previous entries? It’s almost like I’m a writer or something...

Emily, can you take five minutes off from being a scheming bitch to enjoy the handsome naked man in your BED OF LIES?!?

Hey, even criminal masterminds need to relax in some sweats. Sorting through the Box of Infinite Revenge definitely takes a lot out of a girl. Besides, Em changes clothes at least five times a day. 

You guys, I swear I tried on that chambray shirt Emily is wearing, hand to Barbra. Since I mostly shop at Gap and Levis’ (I know, I await your eye-rolls), I looked online but this was the only look-alike I found. Basically the same except for the buttons. I don’t think there’s anything special about it, except that I like it and chambray in the summer is/was like totes on.

Oh look, it’s the bedroom most women dream about! Wooden shutters, perfume adorning the bureau, pink roses - this is a staging room from House&Home, isn’t it? At any rate, Emily looks slammin’ in this lacy floral number. But, am I the only who keeps thinking she has a nasty sunburn on her chest? Like, every time she wears something with a little cleave, I see that red spot. It’s no big deal, but she should probs get that looked at.

Sigh, another flawless dress. Hands up, who’s loving the midsection with its papier-mâché texture? I’m thinking, with the darker colour, Emily could wear this to nearly any function, but the length may be a little too sundressy for an evening affair. But I bet she could hide numerous costumes underneath to exact her Revenge(!!!).

And while Emily was swanning around town looking amazing, Queen Vic was holding down the fort in the aftermath of Lyds’ plunge to the pavement. Oh, and dealing with the reality that her darling son is working a... blue collar job ::shudder::. Still, she’s a vision in teal. 

So, earlier this week, the YKYLFers discovered through the keen eyes of Staff Editor L-A and Editor-in-Chief Jen, that Nolan was the guy who says, “You are so profoundly sad”, to Betty Draper in a Mad Men episode. Totes amaze. Why? Because he could easily drop that line around Vicky when she’s being all melodramatic on her Plotting Balcony.

Hmm, who knew she was into sleepwear with severe nip slip potential? Lady on streets, freak in the sheets (except for the WASPy-ness). 

Well, Happy Independence Day to you too, Mrs. Grayson! Now, why don’t you give your thighs some independence and stop strapping them into, what I can only imagine, is a straitjacket masquerading as a dress. I mean, you look hot and all in ivory, but you also look more uncomfortable than usual. 

What (was) is my favourite part of (this) any episode? The horrendously forced pleasantries between Victoria and Emily. It’s simply delicious. My god, you could chill a keg around these women. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s how the ice sculpture kept its shape all night.

So what’s going to happen next week? Hopefully the usual amount of Revenge(!!!), and another layer of dramz from the onion that is Emily’s life. My only question now is, will Victoria lose her shit with Daniel dating Em, AND her daughter slummin’ it with Declan? Or does Charlotte even register on Vicky’s radar? Actually, all I really want is for Emily to unveil the next step her master plan so I can watch with a glass (bottle) of wine and go, "oooooooooooooohhhh shit" every five minutes. Oh, by the way, ILOVETHISSHOW.

Mini Recap: Intrigue

Nolan shows Emily the vid of Frank killing Lydia, and Emily decides to use MURDER USB to discredit Frank. Conrad fires Frank, Queen V loses faith in him, and Frank sets out to prove he's been set up. In doing so, he discovers Nolan's involvement. Oops! Emily calls out Creepy Tyler, who later on TOTALLY ROOFIES Daniel (and maybe has been TOTALLY ROOFIE-ING HIM for years?). Declan admits to Charlotte that he's po', and she's all "no bigs", and then they make out on his boat. Jack professes his love to Emily, who turns him down because loving him is not part of her EVIL PLAN.

Emily's Target
The RED SHARPIE OF DOOM takes another well-deserved week off, as Emily has to deal with the fallout of other peoples' (much less well planned) shenanigans. Personally, I'm counting the days until Tyler gets Sharpie'd because that kid is EVIL (and not in a good way). 

Gala of the Week
The Graysons' 4th of July party. Of note: Ashley finally starts worrying about her party planning career, because I guess she finally noticed that every party she plans winds up with someone's reputation in shambles and/or dead. But the party goes off pretty well (for everyone except Emily and Jack, sigh.)

Best Dressed 
Everybody looked great in red, white and blue at the 4th of July party, but only Nolan pulled out DOUBLE POPPED COLLARS. I wonder if the number of popped collars relates to his mental state - the more freaked out he is, the more collars get popped.

Most Soapy Moment
Jack confesses his love to Emily. She keeps her composure as she turns him down, but then totally cries after he leaves. Waaaaaaaah!

Check back Friday for Anthony's take on this week's soaptastic amazingness.