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Monday
Mar302015

Revenge: Clarity

This week on THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EMILY AND NOLAN DON'T HANG OUT ENOUGH: Louise is going full Betty Draper in her sham marriage to Nolan, which turns him into Don Draper, which is not going to lead these two anywhere good. Meanwhile, it turns out I was wrong and Margaux intentionally miscarrying  not only was it totes an accident, but she now feels bad about blaming Emily. Has there ever been a more wishy-washy villain ever? Luckily, Victoria's stepping up to take revenge (!!!), which means she steps into some serious Maleficent chic this week. As a final twist, Emily steps up and announces her true identity to the world, surprising everyone, including her ostensible BFF. When Emily and Nolan don't get bestie time, stuff like this happens, you guys!!

 

This Week's Targets
V's out to get Emily again, which is so much more satisfying than watching her plan parties or whatever. Meanwhile, Emily's got a reverse-vendetta as she sets out to clear Daniel's name.

Gala/Caper of the Week
All the big shots came out for the opening of the Not Daniel Grayson Memorial Wing of the hospital! I don't think this show's done a literal groundbreaking before, so golf claps for trying something new.

Best Dressed
Queen V and Margaux were both working some ferosh grieving villain chic with Margaux's structured menswear insired ensemble and V's American Horror Story fashions.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
So the assassin Margaux hired was SPECIAL GUEST STAR COURTNEY LOVE!! First Empire, now this show? I am here for C-Love's takeover of primetime soaps.

 

Check back on Wednesday to for Anthony's take on this week's Revenge-tastic shenanigans.

Wednesday
Mar252015

Revenge: Loss

This week our revenging focus is not on Louise's recently deceased brother (RIP what's-his-name), but on Margaux's wild attempts at taking down Jack, Emily and everyone in sight in an effort to clear her derpy baby daddy's name. After an ill-fated try at clobbering Jack, Margaux admits defeat and decides that maybe revenge (!!!) doesn't suit her. That is, until she gets hit by a freaking taxi, loses the baby and claims that Emily pushed her, even though she was 5 feet away. You don't stand in the middle of a NYC road unless you want to get hit, amirite?

 

Southern Comfort

Considering her brother fell to his death last ep, Louise's storyline is incredibly minimized, as is her wardrobe...

We get it, you're in mourning. How about you throw on a LBD for us, Lulu. She does ham it up for hot cop, Ben, though. Excellent acting, even with a horrible accent. Luckily Nolan is killing it as always. I'm really dying over those kelly green trousers. Stunning.

 

Nolan trades in the green pants for reds, and Louise admits she may have been slightly present when Lyman toppled over the cliff. Gah, this show is soapy!

Louise's dress is a step up from the chunky cardi-sweatpants combo, but not by much. Flattering? Sure. Boring? Definitely.

 

Stevie G. in the House!

Looking like a big happy family, David, his daughter, and his fake daughter's son, are all smiles while babysitting. 

This really is an adorable picture, but I'm really crushing on Emily's top. It's her standard ivory/black casual revenge (!!!) wear, but the zipper detail takes it to the next level. More than your casual day clothes, Ms. Thorne. And that's because girl's on her way to the courthouse.

 

Breaking news: Stevie G is back in town to help Jack plead his case (literally). Remember how she's Conrad's ex and Jack's secret mother? No? Did you forget about that? Me too.

Forgettable character aside, I'm digging her green peplum blazer. Flattering and profesh. Jack looks pretty standard, but he did just spend the night in jail, so it could be worse. Ems shows her support by throwing a white blazer over that covetable blouse. The girl's all class, like a Sliding Doors-scenario Kate Middleton.

 

Though his lawyer/Mom got him out of jail, Jack was assigned to work with this hard-ass social worker. And I guess in his line of work, it's maybe warranted...but dude. Jack's a good guy. Relax.

Another power blazer from Stevie, but I think Jack's wearing the same shirt from earlier. You think he would at least shower post-jail, right?

 

You know social worker's all business because not even Nolan can charm him.

How could you be so judgy against this lovely man? He's wearing a pocket square, for Christ's sake! He's glorious!

 

Because Social Worker is, after all, human, he later returns to the club to ask Nolan out. I refuse to learn his name because I feel he will be gone soon. Poor Nols and his non-stop, extremely tragic lovelife.

But YES to adding that paisley pocket square! The man can do no wrong. Except in the aforementioned dating/marriage department.

 

The Virtual Red Sharpie

Newly revenge (!!!)-crazy Margs is looking fierce as ever at the courthouse in this white shift.

Snaps for matching her lipstick to the red stripe in her dress. Not so fab? Ripping a child away from his father. Must be those pregnancy hormones driving her crazy.

 

At the end of the day though, Margaux knows that revenging (!!!) isn't for her, and she calls off the whole thing so no one else gets hurt/dead.

A hint of a baby bump? Hmmm, maybe, but that dress helps to accentuate every curve in that little lady's body. I'm liking edgier Margs.

 

Ems, not so much. She finds Margaux's partner in crime, and manages to coax Jack's blood sample off from him. But not without some black hoodie ninja action!

I don't know how teeny-tiny Emily can always take down these big bad guys. She has no down-time to train!

 

On the plus side, she does have the team and the skillz to figure out that the judge working Jack's case has her greedy little hands in Margaux's very stylish pockets.

Emily manages to get her latest boy toy to wire into Lady Judge's carphone system to take her down. Well played, but I think we'd all agree she was an easy target. I mean, when Hot Cop can take you down, you know you're not a real threat.

 

A Frolic in the Road

Now into the juicy goodness of this episode with Margaux's real revenge (!!!) target, Emily Thorne. Woot!

I'm not sure I've ever seen a genuine smile on this show until now.

I'm scared.

 

Anyway, Victoria was prematurely celebrating the acceptance of plans for a new foundation in Daniel's name, but learns that someone on the committee voted it down. So why not show up at Emily's pad to accuse her of being the deciding vote?

Wide shot to show the contrast. Yes! Loving the royal blue on Queen V, and surrounded by all of the ivories and golds in Emily's place, she looks like an actual queen.

 

Too bad Vicky's mistaken, as Emily actually voted in favor of the building, and is staying true to her ceasefire with Victoria.

Way to kick her to the curb in some killer smart casual wear. And I am particularly living for those yellow pumps. Gots to have them.

 

Stymied at Emily's manse, Victoria heads over to Margaux's with a lovely baby gift... along with a little guilt.

Plot twist!! Margaux was the one vote that nixed the project, because she wanted to give her child a better start than "son of Daniel Grayson, phihlanderer, drunk, derp..."

 

Daniel's ex-wife, meanwhile, takes her heart-to-heart with Papa Clarke seriously as she decides to make peace with Margaux. Both Clarkes choosing the path of peace? What show is this?

Similarly, I'm on the fence about this look from Ems. On the one hand, I like the black skinnies and boots, and Lord knows I love me some ombre, but the top seems way too big, even for casual revenging. And because it can't be said enough: someone get that man an iron! Or at least a wrinkle-free fabric!

 

Regardless of poorly pressed trousers, Emily follows her Dad's advice and heads out to call a truce with Margaux. Her nemesis is straight out KILLING IT in this Madonna-inspired pantsuit. Those are words I never thought I'd type together.

But that gorge ensemble is most definitely ruined the second Margs gets hit by that cab. Holy crap, I knew it was coming, and I still jumped.

 

Vicky's all out of sorts, as you would imagine, when she learns that her grandbaby is gone due to this little accident, but that won't stop her from wearing the tightest dress imaginable.

Can you imagine her as a grandmother? Seriously. Also note to Louise: this is how you do grief properly on this show. Less slouchy sweats, more skintight lace insets.

 

Still looking pretty with scratches and bruises all over her face, Margaux lies through her teeth and tells Victoria that Emily pushed her into traffic after faking a ceasefire.

J'accuse! (!!!)

 

And Emily runs home to Daddy after realizing that the high road is filled with taxis poised to strike adorable French girls at random.

So, after a bit of a fakeout, Margaux is still on her revenge (!!!) kick. Silly me for thinking she'd be over it by now. But now that Victoria thinks Emily killed her grandson, V's back in the game too.

Bring on the mega-soapiness! REVENGE!!!

Monday
Mar232015

Revenge: Loss

This week on MARGAUX GOES GONE GIRL: After Lyman's body is discovered, Margaux panics she was partly to blame and decides to turn in her Red Sharpie (see, I knew her scheming was weak sauce). But her henchman won't let her quit her campaign, so operation Destroy Emily via Jack continues with new accomplice Dirty Judge. But David "Gandhi" Clarke convinces Emily to call a detente with Margaux, who pulls out the biggest gun in her arsenal — throwing herself in front of a cab to prompt a miscarriage and frame Emily! OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Meanwhile in another universe, sparks are flying between Nolan and the uptight social worker on Jack's case. Oooh, I sense another tragically misguided romance for our fav hacker/lonelyheart!

 

This Week's Targets
Margaux is quickly becoming TV's answer to Amazing Amy with her miscarriage-inducing/Emily-framing car incident. In comparison, Emily's takedown of the corrupt judge was junior varsity level.

Gala/Caper of the Week
OK, so Emily's long-distance badassery was pretty satisfying as she commandeers the judge's car communication system to get Jack's charges dropped. 

Best Dressed
Margaux's pink suit and lacy top were the perfect accessories to her OH NO SHE DIDN'T car accident. And so ends TV's least pregnant-seeming pregnancy (she didn't even get to wear empire waistlines, let alone a fake baby belly).

Most Soapy Moment:
OK, so the moment Margaux flung her arm up to hail a cab, you knew shit was going down. Nobody ever stands in moving traffic on a soap to NOT get hit.

 

Check back on Wednesday to see what Lauren thinks of this week's beachfront drama and fashion!

Wednesday
Mar182015

Revenge: Retaliation

Well, Margaux’s gone full evil now, plotting to destroy everyone and everything in the Hamptons. But she still has a ways to go before she can put one over on Ems, who foils her by teaming up with Ben to — you know what, who cares, this plot is boring. Meanwhile, Victoria and David form a temporary alliance to defeat Natalie, and because this is the soapiest soap to ever soap, Louise accidentally murders her brother by flinging him to his death off of a rain-soaked cliff while they scream at each other in their terrible Southern accents. Also, there is some REALLY BAD HAIR YOU GUYS. Prepare yourselves.

 

The Most Boringest Cut of All

For a show called Revenge (!!!!), this show has sure gone through some boring plots, huh? Move over Padma and Carrion and Declan because I think we've met THE MOST BORING PLOT OF ALL. Boring Ben the Boring Cop has a Boring Backstory with a Boring Ex-Wife. That's it. That's what we spend an hour of our lives watching. So, rather than recapping any more of that, let’s just admire Emily’s gorgeous chambray shirt. 

Emily Thorne exudes so much class that even in a shirt so sheer you can see her bra, she still looks every inch the respectable lady who lunches. Fashion magic.

 

When the time comes for her to toughen her outfit up for the plot which dares not speak its name, the lady knows the power of a good accessory or two. One leather jacket and some badass shades later, and she’s Emily Thorne: Revenge Ninja. 

 

The show is all “Will she be able to save Jack from his DUI?????” but I mean, look at this BAMF.

There is no question here.

 

Wonder Twins Powers Activate...?

Nolan continues to split his time between his two besties, and he’s splitting his wardrobe accordingly. As he plays backup for Emily on her mission of ennui, he matches her chambray with his own denim shirt.

It’s a little restrained for Nolan and not a particularly interesting look, but: awww, BFFs.

 

And at the Fire & Ice Party (a party, you guys! A THEME PARTY!!), he coordinates with the new Mrs. Ross in pink and red.

 

Let’s just repeat that: Nolan Ross can pull off pink and red. Pink and red paisley, even. And yet he does not look like a Valentine! It’s the subtle details that do it: the red of the shirt placket exactly matches his red jacket, and his white shirt is dominant enough to make pink an accent, rather than an overwhelming focus. Circle snaps for you, sir.

 

Nolan and Louise are having marital problems because, contrary to the wisdom to every other piece of popular culture I’ve ever seen, Nolan is having problems hooking up when he keeps his wedding ring on. But you’d never know it to look at their outfits. Check it: Louise’s delicate pink-and-white gown coordinates perfectly with Nolan’s pink-and-red paisley.

Pour one out for Jenny Humphrey, whose season two eyeliner Louise seems to have borrowed this week.

 

Not sure whose weave she ganked for this look. GIRL NO.

Now, nothing against the blue strapless. Girl loves this silhouette and has the bod to pull it off. But what is up with the porn star pigtails? There was a time and a place for Louise to break those out, and that time was when she was seducing Daniel. Now that she’s moved on to bigger and better plotlines, why is she downgrading her hair? Who did she piss off in the hair department???

 

But heck, I can’t stay mad at her. Not when she gave us the greatest moment of the episode and, possibly, season to date:

Who doesn’t love a good accidental-cliffside-murder? It’s a soap opera classic for a reason. And fashion bonus: it pays off the foreshadowing of her gown, with its bloodstain-like patterning.

 

So Long, Zoë Washburne Gina Torres  Natalie Grayson

The episode starts off with Natalie in full-on Queen Bee mode, planning her Fourth of July party and throwing shade at Victoria such as, “That’s caviar, dear.”

And with her in that purple sheath, who wouldn’t bow down?

 

Well, Victoria for one. But Victoria is frankly a little lot off her game this week. Yes, her color block dress is bodycon and yes, it's red and black and we've seen her in basically this exact outfit a zillion times before. Fine. But is her hair... frizzy?

I know that it’s July in Revenge-verse and that does tend to lead to frizz among most mortals. But we've seen this queen blown up in a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean, strapped down to a bed in a mental hospital, kidnapped and held hostage by terrorists, and still the entire time her hair remained immaculate. And you expect me to believe that a little July humidity and an inheritence struggle would create frizz? PLEASE.

 

And then she puts it in a low ponytail. Like some kind of commoner at a yoga class or something.

What even. Between the pigtails and this, I'm pretty sure the hair department is on strike or something.

 

OR they're just spending all their time making Miss Natalie look her best, because she's pretty drop dead as she seduces David in this oatmeal and leopard frock.

Gina Torres is possibly the only person on the planet who can make oatmeal look sexy, isn’t she? No wonder it doesn’t occur to David that she’s playing him.

 

But it all comes out at the party, where Natalie reveals that she was in love with Conrad (o... kay) and that she plans to ruin David in order to fulfill Conrad’s dreams (o... kay), and that she starved Conrad’s father into marrying her so that she could take Conrad’s money, just as Conrad always wanted (O... KAY).

Though I’m impressed with Natalie’s scheming, I can’t say I’m in love with her choice in formalwear. The illusion netting and plethora of sequins are a little too figure skater-y, and the shape does nothing for her flaw free  figure.

 

Luckily V is there to save us all, in more ways than one. First of all, she records Natalie’s confession to blackmail her out of town, thus saving David’s name. (I mean... that’s not really a save, tbh. I would much rather watch Natalie running around being nuts and condescending than watch David Clarke be low-affect and conflicted.) But secondly and more importantly, she gets her hair sitch under control. 

Without the frizz those romantic waves are softly flattering, and her frock shows us all how to wear sequins off the ice rink. Take notes, Natalie.

 

Margaux Will Destroy You, Yes, You

Margaux is so over the Hamptons, you guys. She will destroy everything, yes, goddmamit, everything. Why? Who even cares any more.

V: So I’m having some trouble with Natalie.

M: I’LL RUIN HER.

V: ... have you met her?

M: idk, probably not? I’LL RUIN HER.

V: But like do you even know who this woman is.

M: I’LL RUIN HER.

 

But hey, at least she’ll look stunning while she does it. Look at her, running her adorable amateur revenge schemes in her wine-colored silk sheath.

In an episode full of questionable hair choices, at least we can always count on Margaux’s hair to define chic.

 

Margaux throws on this Elsa of Arendelle number for her transformation to full on ice queen. Because this is what she's wearing as she frames Jack for drunk driving, thus separating him from the child he probably at least vaguely remembers exists most episodes, sure loves beyond all reason. Who would have thought someone so sweet looking could go after her almost-stepbaby so ruthlessly?

This is payback for that bracelet, bitch.

 

By the rules of Revenge (!!!), I’m pretty sure that Baby Carl and Margaux are now officially arch nemeses (they’ve double crossed each other! they’ve ruined each other’s lives, and now they must pay!), and I’m actually kind of excited to see how that goes next week. Is Carl going to break out a little child-size red Sharpie all his own? Will Emily tutor him in the ways of revenge as her revenge sensei taught her? Will we start to pretend that Ben never existed, much like Padma and other boring love interests before him? Here’s hoping.

Monday
Mar162015

Revenge: Retaliation

This week on ANOTHER PARTY, ANOTHER MURDER: Despite how last week ended, Hot Cop is still totally on #TeamEms, even spying on Margaux for her. He and she head out to take care of whatever Margaux thought she had on him, which leads to their first tag-team ninja fight, which is like second base on this show. Natalie shows her true colors at her 4th of July party where she tries to play David and then confesses to being Totally Evil. But then V caught the whole thing on tape, so it's adios, Miss Gina Torres. Meanwhile, Nolan and Louise suddenly have some tension in their marriage due to plot contrivance Nolan still wanting to hook up, and Louise being so easily played by her Evil Brother. Ultimately, this leads to Louise accidentally throwing Lyman off a cliff, then lying to Nolan about it. And THEN! Since Margaux couldn't get to Ems via Hot Cop, she turns her sights on Jack, who she busts for a DUI. Either she secretly got him drunk or she faked the test results somehow. Either way, it's bad news for our Bartender-turned-Cop-turned-Bartender.

 

This Week's Targets
This week was all about Emily vs Margaux and Queen V versus Natalie. And basically every other person on this show as caught in one or the other crossfire. 

Gala/Caper of the Week
Natalie proves herself a capable Hamptons hostess as her party brought glitz, glamor, betrayal and murder. Not bad for her first time.

Best Dressed
Finally we had a real contest. While I'm living for Louise's new emo eyeliner look, I've got to hand the win to Queen V's new curly 'do and sparkley red party dress. She looked more relaxed and happy than we've seen her in ages. That's what a good party will do for you! 

Most Soapy Moment:
Um, does it get any soapier than accidentally pushing your brother to death over a cliff? People on soaps should stick to living on the prairie, or at least avoid fights on cliff-adjacent homes.

 

We drew straws to see which lucky person gets to recap this episode and its ACTUAL FASHIONS, and Constance came up a winner. Come back on Wednesday for her take on this week's sequinned fabulosity!