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Wednesday
Jan282015

Revenge: Kindred

This week on Margaux’s the Only One Who Even Cares About the Plot Anymore, I Guess: Emily throws Nolan and Louise a wedding reception, and together she and Nolan save Louise from her mother’s evil clutches. David asks Emily to re-become Amanda Clarke, but she decides that Emily Thorne has a better pool of love interests so she stays Emily and hooks up with Boring Cop, much to Jack’s disappointment. (But not ours. Get you some, girl.) Victoria works to restore Daniel’s good name/regain her former social standing, but she has to fight an awesome new frenemy to do it. And finally, Margaux continues to work for reveeeeenge (!!!) against Emily. When Margaux is the only one with a revenge-y plotline, you know things have gotten dire.

 

Emily Thorne: Licensed Knife Therapist

Emily and Nolan are planning the wedding reception in their standard uniforms.

Nolan’s in a perfectly-tailored loud suit, Emily’s in tasteful blue with a nice dangly pendant. It’s all very business-as-usual for our favorite Revenger and her bestie.

 

Thank the fashion gods Louise has arrived to shake the place up with her bombshell necklines.

The green and black panels on this halter make her look even more hourglass-y than usual, even as she worries that she secretly murdered her father and repressed the memory. But hey, this is Revenge. Who hasn’t accidentally attacked a family member or two on this show?

 

Luckily, Louise has Emily to explain that if you let a crazy person try to drown you/throw knives at you, you can totally recover repressed memories. It’s true: Emily learned it at Revenge Academy. So she throws a giant knife at Louise’s hand repeatedly and screams “WHAT DO YOU SEE????” until Louise remembers watching her father fall down the stairs and is like, “Oh god, I killed him.”

If Em didn't look so fab in this gold-embellished blouse, Louise may not have been quite so ready to submit to her unconventional therapy. Note how the metallic thread picks up her always-flawless hair beautifully. Golf claps for Ms. Thorne.

 

This outfit is also perf to wear when facing off with newly-evil Margaux in a Battle of the Sparkles. Gotta say Margaux wins this round. Check the beading on that draped neckline! Revenge looks fantastic on her. 

Unfortunately she’s still new at the revenge game and hasn’t come up with anything better than having a tabloid suggest that Emily and David Clarke are dating (ew).

 

Emily doesn’t waste much time worrying over Margaux’s ham-fisted revenge (!!!) attempts this week. Instead, she’s worrying about whether or not to go back to being Amanda Clarke like her father wants. On behalf of Revenge recappers across the internet, I beg her not to: this show is hard enough to recap as it is.

And besides, would Amanda Clarke ever wear such a jacket and top? If Fauxmanda is anything to go by, the Amanda Clarke wardrobe runs more towards booty shorts and tank tops. Ben the Boring Cop is totally in favor of Emily staying her fabulous self, too.

 

Queen V Meets Her Match

Meanwhile, Victoria is trying to save Daniel’s memory from being forever associated with wife-beating by starting a foundation in his name, but to do so she has to corral all of her old friends into giving her money.

On the bright side, all this death is really giving Victoria the chance to put her voluminous LBD collection to work. She looks every inch the grieving mother in her black widow ensemble.

 

Little does she know that there’s a new queen bee in town. And not just any queen bee, but Gina Torres. As in Zoe from Firefly, Jasmine from Angel, Bella from Hannibal, Mrs. Laurence Fishburne, and all around awesome lady.

Her Revenge character is named Natalie, and she is pure class in this crocheted blue sheath.

 

So since Victoria has lost all of her money and the Graysons have been involved in a zillion illegal scandals in the past two months alone, plus Victoria is just generally an unpleasant person, none of her old friends show up to her fundraiser. And she broke out a color just for the occasion!

 

The only person who does show up is Natalie and her finest rich lady shade, snarking that V's modern art collection is gauche.

Her fuchsia frock is just a little too fussy to work—all of those complicated folds swallow her up. Gina Torres is so powerfully beautiful that she looks best in clean, simple lines. This dress is wearing her instead of the other way around.

 

Praise Hands, There’s Finally a Party

It’s been so long since these people had a chance to break out their formal wear! And they do not disappoint. True, Victoria continues her grieving mother schtick in basic black, but the sweetheart neckline adds interest and her hair is gorgeous. Besides, she’s accessorizing with power. 

She reminds all of the Ladies Who Lunch that she still knows all of their secrets and blackmails them into donating to her foundation. She may no longer be hatching murderous schemes against Emily, but she won't rest until she's reclaimed her role as Hamps Queen.

 

Even Natalie is impressed with the power play. And she makes up for her previous disappointment in this softly flattering embellished green-and-white gown. 

That’s more like it.

 

Also making bold power plays at this wedding? Louise’s Mama Penelope, who wears white to her own daughter’s wedding reception.

You’d think that her southern breeding would rise up in her and prevent her from such a massive breech of etiquette, but nope: the woman has nerves of steel. (And darling daisies on her dress!)

 

Another Classic Clarke Caper

Mama Penelope's machinations cause Louise, who thinks she's a murderer, to run off and commit herself to a mental institution, as one does. Emily's not going to let her BFF's wifey skip town like that, so she breaks out one of her ill-fitting pantsuits for a rescue mission.

I like to think that Emily has an entire closet full of subtly unflattering outfits she keeps specifically for her undercover revenge missions. Who would ever link this poorly-dressed medical inspector to Emily Thorne of the Immaculate Tailoring?

 

The After Party

Of course it turns out that Louise didn’t kill her father—her mother did, and then blamed it on Louise. Nolan has the police report to prove it, so they banish Penelope from the Hamptons and the Happy Couple is triumphant at last.

Louise is perfectly lovely in her classic wedding cake of a gown, but let’s be real: this look is all about Nolan in his white tux with the filigree skull pattern. It may be untraditional for the groom to outshine the bride, but really we should expect nothing less from Nolan Ross.

 

And Emily has had so much fun on her revenge caper to save Louise that she decides to stay Emily Thorne.

And just as well, because this royal-blue frock is perfection on her. She’s wearing her hair a little darker than she used to this season, and the royal blue brings out the richness perfectly. Amanda Clarke could never.

 

To celebrate her decision, she heads off to seduce Boring Officer Ben.

No complaints here. The boy may be boring, but he’s awfully cute in his uniform. Get it, Emily.

 

Of course, Jack is right there to witness this. Because: soap opera.

Cheer up, Jack. You have more important things to worry about. Like how you just decided to go back to the bartending business but your bar has been burnt to the ground.

 

Or how Margaux has a tape of you talking about how you killed an FBI agent and then covered up her murder.

Margaux is reluctant to use this information because of that time she and Jack were in love for a hot second, but hey: this show isn’t called People Making Reasonable and Respectful Decisions. Besides, that outfit is perfect for some good old-fashioned reveeeeenge (!!!!). The black lace tiers on this Alice + Olivia dress just scream “scorched earth.”

 

Here's hoping Margaux fully embreaces the revenge ninja lifestyle, breaking out a Red Sharpie and skulking around in black hoodies all the time — provided, of course, that she also continues to attend galas in formalwear on a regular basis. Hey, someone has to pick up Emily’s slack while she’s off deciding between the two most boring police officers on TV (well, one current and one former police officer). And who else is glam enough to be up to the challenge?

Monday
Jan262015

Revenge: Kindred

This week on AT LAST SOMEONE THREW A PARTY: Emily hosts the first party in Ex-Grayson Manor since the whole Daniel-got-shot incident, and tastefully, nobody mentions that at the party itself. Of course there's a traditional wrinkle in the party plans, as it's Nolan and Louise's wedding reception and Louise is a no-show. This is because after Emily hypnotized her with her flying knives game, Louise had a vague flashback that (in combo with forged police reports from her Mama) made her believe she had really killed her Dad. In other parts of town, Jack quit being a cop and is back to bartending, Queen V's found a new rival, and it turns out that Kim Richards from the Real Housewives summers in Montauk. Oh and Margaux's already serving up weak sauce in the revenge (!!!) department, as anyone could have predicted. She's just too soft-hearted to destroy anyone's lives. Yet.

 

This Week's Targets
Now that Louise is Emily's BFF-in-law, Emily focuses in on destroying Lou's no-good Southern fam. Meanwhile Margaux slightly targets Emily, while Victoria's 50% saintly and 50% blackmailing her minions.

Gala/Caper of the Week
This week had both!! Emily threw a traditional Hamptons soiree, complete with a sadly off-screen ice sculpture garden; and then she pulled a Classic Clarke Caper by impersonating a health inspector to easily sneak Louise out of the psychiatric centre.

Best Dressed
There was a gala, you guys, which means gorgeous outfits on every side. Louise was a bridal stunner (with her crazy cinched waist) in white, Margaux brought her usual European flair, Nolan mixed patterns like a pro and V squeezed herself into the usz. But none of them stood a chance against Emily in her Betty Draper-style hostess gown. 

Most Soapy Moment:
Are you kidding me? How can this go to anything but NoLouise showing up to Em's house and the knife on the table, leading up to Emily's Takeda-inspired memory exercise that led directly to Louise getting just enough of a memory to think she's guilty, but not enough that the audience it at all convinced. Honorable mention to Jack showing up in time to see Emily hook up with Hot Cop, because nobody ever hooks up with anyone without being caught on this show, ever.

 

Come back on Wednesday to see what Constance thinks of this show's return to PARTIES and SCHEMING as well as the return of Queen V's ex-throne!

Wednesday
Jan212015

Revenge: Abduction

So it's time to bid farewell to this show's 1,000th not-really-scary villain, as Jack and Emily's combined badassness throws Malcolm Black into a fiery grave. First, though, Emily and Queen V throw shade all over their human cage before V sacrifices herself for Emily (??) and then renounces revenge (!!!???). With both Malcolm and Victoria stepping back from nemesis status, Margaux steps up to take the mantle of Emily's Nemesis. Meanwhile, Nolan's busy wearing cute aprons and helping Louise free herself of her Britney Spears/Amanda Bynes-like relaysh with her mother. But it turns out girlfriend may be better off in a malaria pill fugue state, because apparently without it, she'll remember that she killed her father. The way things are going, Louise's storyline is getting way more interesting than that of the Clarkes (I mean, Louise and Nolan got married for SCHEMING PURPOSES) which is, frankly, a surprising turn of events. I always did like a redhead, though.

 

Mama Said Knock You Out

So! Louise's mother arrives and, hilariously, gurl assumes she's hallucinating yet again. But when Mama Louise greets Nolan, it becomes clear that she's really here, and I just noticed she's being played by What's Her Crazy Vamp Lady From True Blood That Time! Typecasting, much?

Um...that's not how we hug on this show. Around these parts, we generally go for less faux-grinning and more steely-eyed vengeful looks.

 

How cute are these new BFFs with their matching looks of disdain AND their matching red-and-white outfits? Nolan's working an old skool season 1 vibe with the popped collars (!!!) and pocket square. Mindy Lahiri wishes she could mix patterns like this. And Louise continues to work her 1950s Minnie Mouse esthetic, courtesy of Dolce & Gabbana. With those boobs, I say go for it.

Loving the red lip here btw.

 

So, NoLouise head back to their house (remember, they're roomies now!) for some convo over meal prep. Now, I love these two to bits but I have trouble believing either of them knows their way around the kitchen WHATSOEVER. Exhibit A: Nolan's "cuts of meat" apron is totes adorbs, but has no food stains on it and is clearly freshly ironed.

OK I seriously need an apron like this, stat. You just know the costume department's been hanging onto this for years, subtly pressuring the writing staff to throw in a "Nolan preps a meal" scene. Costumers? I salute you.

 

Of course, Mama Louise is EEEEEVIL (see above re: typecasting) and she threatens to cut off Louise from her money if she tells anyone else about the malaria pills scenario. I do enjoy the matching hair color and pops of red on these two. They really look like (dysfunational) family members.

 

But then SURPRISE!! Louise pulls a Britney Spears circa 2004 by getting surprise!hitched, in order to escape her Britney Spears circa 2014 parental conservatorship. And who's the lucky groom? This guy, in his gold tie and embellished suit. Yet another look that I'm guessing the costumers have been waiting for years for an occation to dress him up in.

Louise looks fab here. Love the volume in her curls (this show has great hair, but tends to veer towards Hamptons beachy waves instead of disco curls) and the way the gold on her dress matches her to Nolan. Now he's her family, see? And I know it's just a mariage de convenience and they aren't romantic at all, but you know these two could have an amazingly freaky honeymoon night.

 

Mama L is like, "Aw, how sweet." But her shark's tooth necklace of DAGGERS gives off the not-too-subtle vibe that she will destroy anyone that gets in the way of her and her money.

 

And sure enough, once Nolan steps out of frame, Mama's like, "Oh Louise btw we put you on the malaria crazy pills to help you amnesia away your memories of how you totally killed your father. Love you! Byeeee!"

So...maybe not such a fun honeymoon night after all.

 

Two Men, One Coat  

In the show's ostensibly main plotline, David and Jack scheme to somethings something Malcolm something rescue Emily something something. If they want me to pay attention to the plotlines, they have to stop throwing these guys in THE SAME DAMN COAT EVERY WEEK.

 

Clean-shaven Jack still makes the scenes mostly worthwhile, though. Rrrrorrrrr.

 

And then I guess David's James Bond-style rescue of Emily and Victoria was pretty badass.

 

Malcolm Black, time to meet your maker, Hansel and Gretel style!

Seriously, he was the villain for what like, three episodes? They really aren't even trying anymore.

 

Move Over Queen V 

Remember how Margaux wanted to bring Emily to justice for killing Daniel, and then Queen V told her Emily's Lifetime Movie saga? Seems that's gotten Margaux to double-down on her plans to avenge her dead babydaddy. And villainy has never looked so Euro chic in Bottega Veneta.

(Margaux has also never looked less pregnant, but we'll let that slide for now.)

 

How villainous has Margaux become? On a scale of Conrad Grayson to Dr. Evil, I'd put her at... yeah, just below Dr. Evil.

Villains need their brooding space, you guys.

 

But while you might think that Margs and V would now team up to bring down Emily, Victoria makes a stunning turnaround. Somewhere between her lover dying, her ex-husband dying, her daughter going to rehab, her son dying and learning that her back-from-the-dead lover was secretly planning to kill her, girlfriend has CHECKED OUT.

She's now St. Victoria and will never scheme again. Which makes me feel like maybe Madeleine Stowe wants to leave the show because if she's all goody-goody now, what's the point of having her around?

 

Apparently, her new role is the Obi-Wan to Margaux's avenging Padawan. God, Margaux's hair has never looked this cool.

 

She hasn't quite graduated to the brooding balcony, but this icy glare out the window does not portend well for Mz. Emily Thorne. Loving her Maleficent style blouse here, combined with dagger-esque earrings.

 

But will Evil Margaux last longer than Malcolm Black (or whoever the past like, dozen villains have been on this show)? Or is it just her crazy pregnancy hormones making her act all cray cray? Speaking of, will she ever develop a visible baby belly, or do French babies just sort of hatch from eggs or something? 

Monday
Jan192015

Revenge: Abduction

This week on The Great Escape REVENGE(!!!): Emily and Victoria wake up in a huge human cage, held captive by Malcolm Black in exchange for his daughter, Kate. Meanwhile back in The Hamps, Louise's mother shows up in a real (non-hallucinated) form just to threaten her to stay silent about the malaria drugging scenario. But who cares when #TeamJack (now including Hot Cop!) busts up into the Black Human Storage facility for some excellent fight choreography, including Emily's handcuffed ninja stylings. End result: Malcolm goes the way of every other villain on this show, ever. And then Nolan saves Louise from her conservatorship by MARRYING HER!!! I know it's a just-for-plot thing and they aren't in love but I'd really like to see their crazy honeymoon night. AND THEN in a fairly awesome twist, Margaux is revealed to be the season's Big Bad as she declares her intent to destroy Emily Thorne. It's like revenge(!!!) is a contagious disease or something.

 

Emily's Margaux's Target
While basically everyone else on the show is busy, Margaux is the one left holding the REVENGE(!!!) mantle as she continues her vendetta against Emily for killing her BabyDaddy.

Gala/Caper Fight Sequence of the Week
#TeamDavid's attack on Malcolm & co. was pretty fun, though the action only really took off when handcuffed Emily joined in on the action.

Best Dressed
Gotta hand this to Margaux's Evil Disney Queen black and purple plunging number she wore while hiring Not Eric Bana to do some dirty deeds. The perfect accessory to her still-invisible baby bump.

Most Soapy Moment:
I'll call this a tie between Louise's mother's BOMBSHELL (because bitch isn't letting her daughter's money go without a fight), and Margaux's steely-eyed declaration of revenge(!!!) while gazing out a window. Because you aren't really on a soap until you're declaring evil plans while gazing out a window.

 

Come back on Wednesday for Ann's take on this week's wheelings and dealings.

Wednesday
Jan142015

Revenge: Madness

The Red Sharpie is back, y'all! OK, just metaphorically, but you know what I mean. At Nolan's urging, Emily goes into old school takedown mode to cross out Louise's visiting, future congressman of a brother Lyman. Meanwhile, David and Victoria continue to move around each other in chilly silence, while Margaux is still on the warpath. And scary-ass Malcolm Black is about to put the hurt down on David and everyone he holds near and dear. Let's have at it, shall we?

 

Victoria + David = Over (For Good?)

In true soap opera drama, Victoria glides down the stairs of the beach house in a matching nightie and dressing gown. Obvs.

"You didn’t come to bed last night.” 

“Yeah, well, I was going to kill you, so sleeping in the same bed together seemed inappropriate.”

That’s basically the gist of what happened here. At least David’s not wearing that damn shirt that he always wears.

 

Reunited and it Feels…a Little Awkward…

Oh, there it is. Well. David’s obviously off to tour the Serengeti with that jacket. Seriously, does he only have one outfit?

Emily’s a bit blah in that black widow ensemble, but it’s appropriate for a meeting with dear old-ish Dad…I guess. She did manage to convince him to spare the life of Queen V, and let her suffer with the death of poor Danny boy. You win some, you lose some.

 

Hamptons vs. Charleston (a.k.a. Ascot vs. Bow-tie)

Tonight we got to meet the esteemed Lyman Ellis, future congressman from the great state of denial (a.k.a. Louise’s cute but sketchy brother). We’ll meet him from behind for now.

Louise is about to pop right out of that little white dress, but I’m totally digging the color coordination with those oversized jewels. Nolan is a rare failure for me with this one. It’s all just too much. Sorry, Nols. Love you forever.

 

He still manages to get Ems to help with the Red Sharpie treatment when he suspects wrongdoing on good ole Lyman’s side. Do you think Emily could really walk into the country club in that outfit? I guess when your bestie is the owner, you can do whatever you want.

Louise is winning in that tennis dress though. Girl can rock an a-line that’s for sure.

 

Emily FINALLY brings it to dinner in this monochrome body-con dress. Time for some cocktails and revenge (!!!). Em heads off to check on Louise, and manages to swipe one of her “Xanax” pills, as you do.

Meanwhile, Lyman is so very Southern in that linen suit. Props for the matching bow-tie and pocket square, but someone find that poor man an iron. I think I’m going to have to give the win to Nolan on this one. That blazer! The ascot! I’m literally standing and clapping. Yes.

 

 

Nolan and Ems are all ready to defend poor crazy Louise when she goes on a delusional rant before they even get their appetizers. And THEN NOLAN GETS SLAPPED RIGHT IN HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE! That's how you know girl is out of her mind.

But that oversized floral print is to die for, as is that blowout. 

 

In what can only be assumed as 20 minutes post dinner, Emily changes into something at once more revenge(!!!)-y and more blah. She also managed to have her pharmacist friend in the city run some tests on Louise’s pills in that time span. Somehow.

Turns out Lousie’s family has been pumping her full of Xanax laced with anti-malarial drugs to get at her inheritance. PLOT TWIST!

 

Femme Fatale Malade 

Speaking of hair envy, Margaux is enraged with grief over the death of her derpy baby-Daddy, Daniel. At least she’s rampaging in style with that LBD and AMAZING hair.

Victoria’s mourning wear is so casual, and unlike her. Though she’s surprisingly cooperative, considering the circumstances. Also unlike her. Curiouser and curiouser.

 

Regardless of Victoria’s firm stance on the circumstances surrounding Daniel’s death, Margs takes her rage to the police station and Hot Cop Ben gets the brunt of it. Despite her accusations, Ben still takes her to the hospital when her high blood pressure forces her to collapse mid-rant.

How can one look so stylish in a hospital gown? 

 

Our ailing mama-to-be gets a visit from a still-casual (?) Vicky G, who proceeds to dish the dirt on the real story of Daniel’s death, as well as to the secret life of Emily Thorne.

...And in true Revenge (!!!) fashion, hot Ben is lurking around the corner.

 

Fun Fact: Malcolm Black is F@&king Scary 

So this Malcolm Black story actually seems to be developing, and he’s scary as shit, man. 

Popping up at Jack’s house, for example. Ominous and chilling. so much so that Jack needed to borrow David’s safari jacket. Ugh.

 

Still wearing that damn jacket, Jack meets up with Mr. Clarke in some very dark, secret locale, all ready to talk him out of trying to kill Malcolm Black all by his lonesome.

Jack's plan to go the lawful route and turn Malcolm over to the Feds goes awry, however and Malcolm ends up back on the street faster than you can say "Expand your wardrobe for Christ's sake!"

 

In another dark and quiet location, Emily confronts Victoria in what I hoped would be a Mortal Kombat-style fight scene...

Though I would hope that Victoria would lay that trench to the side beforehand. No need to splatter blood all over all that beauty.

 

But in a shock twist, Victoria and Ems get shot with f-ing tranquilizer darts! By Malcolm f-ing Black! 

OK, literally no one saw this one coming. Just when you think they've run out of plot twists they pull out the POISON DARTS.

**shakes fist** REVENGE!!!