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Revenge: Two Graves

Hun, you better dig three graves because I’m dead after this finale. After years of red Sharpies, galas, secrets, lies, voluminous hair, cable knits, plotting balconies, international conspiracies, and a town that appears to give arson a pass, we’ve finally closed the double infinity loop on Revenge(!!!). Did everyone get their just desserts? Did anyone eat as much dessert (i.e. drink all the TV wine) as me watching this episode? Did more characters survive the Moldavian Massacre in Dynasty than four season with Amandily Tharke? If you were born after 1986 you won’t get that reference and if you have taste, you’ll tell me stop portmanteauing.


Goodbye, Miss Magnolia

Louise, I wish we had spent more time together because you were as perky as a Georgia peach during the Blue Moon harvest. It’s a shame after slaying the children with your mod take on the Stepford Wife you were dressed like a grieving caballero for this entire episode. Poor thing — even as an honourary Grayson, you still got the Mommie Dearest treatment from Queen V. Maybe it was that awful embroidery on your shoulders giving you confidence, but at least you confronted Victoria instead of running away like her other kids. Although straight up delivering her to a woman holding a loaded gun and hell-bent on Revenge(!!!) seems cold af. 


Au revoir, Mme "Hired Guns Are My Life"

Honestly. For introducing herself as a tough media lady with a soft heart, Margaux showed the most Revenge(!!!) potential. Not only did she wrest her family’s empire away from her father and brother (by having the latter snatched up and deported for drug possession), but she went Melrose Place crazy jumping in front of taxis and hiring hitmen to wipe people out. I knew French people were emotional but lordy! Margaux always gave me geometry realness and wasn’t afraid of mixing colours. That said, I can’t say I’m into this blue/black swirly number. It cuts her body shape in awkward places and is trying too hard to make a statement. Flop. 


Now this may be a simple look but that parallelogram keyhole is over the top. This is how you go from the funeral parlour to the hotel lobby for a cheeky cocktail, then to the club to live out loud. With those roots subtly coming through, I’m getting a black and gold fantasy and I ain’t mad at it. 


Paging Mr. Dickies

Well, Jack… you tried. 


Worth Her Weight in White Gold

Oh queen, I think I’m going to miss you most of all. Sure, White Gold wasn’t with us long, but when you’re played by Courtney Love, it’ll never be enough to satisfy the thirst. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen similar looks on friends of mine, but I’m getting full drag queen from this outfit and y’all shouldn’t be surprised because she bring it to you every ball. The signature gold chains are on point, the dress pattern is almost campy and her flirting tactic of needing a shot before bed actually made me squeal. Like, “eeeeeeeeeeeee she did nooooooooooot”. If the knife she used to nail Nolan’s hand to the bar had been gold, the could have stopped the episode right there – unfortunately, we had to hear Nolan’s chemistry pun before he levelled White Gold with 10K volts.


Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson

Speaking of Nolan’s pun, girlfriend was FULL of ‘em this week. I don’t know if they were trying to make up for misusing Nolan’s sass potential over 4 years but bless ‘em, they went for it. The only thing I objected to was him using the word “hoosegow” for prison because: a) it’s not 1930, nor will it ever be again and b) I think it’s funnier when people call it “the pokey”. Executive Producer, John Terlesky, you’re lucky your name was overlaid on these coral pants and floral shirt because I’d be as basic as an Iggy Azelea fan if I didn’t include this screenshot. LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN, BROTHER NOLAN! YOU ARE BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVOURED. 


Y’all only saw this for a second but through the magic of basic Photoshop skills, I lightened up this frame because Nolan’s t-shirt caught my eye. If you look closely, I believe you’ll see him wearing his t-shirt with his own mugshot which, in case you were wondering, is a STRAIGHT UP DIVA MOVE, BITCH. Bow to your queen.


I thought over the entire series, I’d seen every print imaginable on Nolan Ross’ wiry frame, but they Vanessa Williams’d me and saved the best for last. It’s giving me “Cape Cod beach house wallpaper” meets “Pier 1 Imports clearance shelf” and I’m loving every stitch. This also the shirt Nolan wears when he drop his best Oda Mae Brown and slays, “Emily, you in danger, girl.” 


Drop a House On Her, She’s Done

Victoria's kind of like glitter during Pride Week — you love it in the moment, think it could easily fit into your everyday, realize cleaning up afterward is so not worth it, and finally accept that it’ll never go away no matter how hard you scrub, vacuum, cry, etc. Seeing her decked out in her Carhartt finest and hard hat was perhaps the best “gurlllllll no” moment of the episode. It’s written all over that mug. 


Did you get your invite to the wig party? I did not receive my invite to the wig party and therefore was not prepared with my own wig. Hopefully I’ll receive more notice before the next wig party. 


In a rushed flashback to explain how Victoria nabbed a corpse that passed for her during the autopsy (normal sentence), we see her visit her expiring mother in the hospital. They reveal one more family secret and it’s on Appalachian mountain folk levels; totally get why Victoria turned out the way she did. In the body con countdown, this merlot hue with the lace cutouts isn’t my favourite — seems too “Tipsy Secretary at the Christmas Party” — but totally appropriate for a hospital visit.


And now, the Revenger of the Hour

Emily, we hit just about every yard of fabric you wore in our series roundtable last week, but let’s dive back into your tasteful yet functional wardrobe. Now this billowy napkin I could see as a nice curtain in a backlit, gauzy 80s love scene, but it also works as a blouse. No movement restrictions for plenty of kung fu and stabbing motions. I almost choked on my TV wine when Emily realized Victoria used her mother’s body in the explosion. Like, she actually scrunched her face and said “ew” as if that, that was the limit. The worst. The straw that finally nailed the coffin’s back. After 4 seasons of sociopathic eleganza, that finally made Emily think, “this hooker’s gone girl”. 


Shout out to Velma Dinkley for leaving Scooby and the Gang behind while she helped Emily mop some records from the dentist who’s conveniently closed on the exact day she escapes a maximum security prison to exact her Revenge(!!!) finale. 


Of course, Victoria’s wearing white during their showdown. OF COURSE. 


I mean, I get that Emily can’t be some Revenging Angel swathed in white but trying to do some sort of abstract “good v. evil” role reversal by playing with colour is weak. On top of the drippy speech Victoria lays out, I was just about done — until that gunshot from David Clarke changed the game. I should have expected it, but I didn’t. 



Victoria shoots Emily, dies. David gets Emily to a hospital; she lives. David gets “compassionate release” from prison after killing Victoria, dies. Nautical themed knits prevail. Even though the whole show was about clearing her dad’s name and whatnot, I liked the finality of this storyline. It’s sad sure, but double infinity doesn’t exist, kids. Heavy note to take. 


Now let’s have a wedding!

Naturally, Nolan escorts Emily down the aisle, much like he’s escorted her on this totally normal, blood soaked journey of Revenge(!!!). I know he’s a good person because he didn’t try to upstage the bride in the wardrobe department even though he could have snatched 10s. Also, the fellow in the glasses: Dan Levy or a former Nolan tryst? I can’t put my finger on it (and I would if I could). 


Y’all have to give it to these kids for injecting some fairy tale elements into a love story that started out Disney and ended Grimm. I’m loving the flower wall and Emily’s woodland princess dress. Louise is actually serving your chartreuse and making it happen. Charlotte, true to form, is blending seamlessly into the background and Jack is walking as tall as he can which is shame because I like ‘em short.



A new Sammy for a new life? C’mon Puppy Love! This is the real First Family of Montauk. 


So we end our tale with the only fitting outcome: Emily and Jack sail into a J.Crew summer ad campaign and live happily ever after, aside from the crippling PTSD and persistent nightmares/survivor guilt. Cheers to you and a lifetime worth of emotional baggage.

I have to say, the finale gives me an 83 on closure but there’s still some questions left like what actually happened to Margaux? How is Louise still hanging out with these people when she had an easy out after putting Victoria in the ground? Who’s watching Sammy while the other two are sailing? Actually, who’s watching Carl? Jack’s mom, still? And how did that line from Charlotte about Emily’s new heart actually make it past editing? Y’know the, “She can never know where it came from. Or rather…who.” Charlotte has all the gravitas of a Denny’s Grand Slam — who let that slide?


For now, I’ll retire my TV wine until we stumble across another soapy dramedy about rich folks. Or I’ll start some Dynasty recaps. Either way, cheers my friends. *hugs you closely* *glares over the shoulder*


Revenge: Two Graves

This week on The Continuing Adventures of Totally Not Dead Victoria Grayson: Well, snaps to the team for actually wrapping up every single plotline for this series finale. To start things off, we learn more about Queen V's Twin Peaks level effed up parents, including the salient detail that her mother was the corpse-go-boom in the mansion explosion. Meanwhile, COURTNEY LOVE AKA WHITE GOLD continues to strut around in her leather leggings, non-fatally stabbing both Jack and Nolan. Why has this woman not been on this show until now because SHE IS EVERYTHING. Anyway, Crazypants Louise finally chooses #TeamEmily, paving the way for Emily and Victoria's final showdown, depite the fact that Em's supposed to be in high security prison right now. Anyway, Emily and Jack FINALLY hook up and, in a flashforward, get married and Nolan gives her away and I'm not crying, you're crying, shut up. With Emily in retirement, it looks like Nolan's set up to be the new Batman of the Hamptons. Um, spinoff please.


This Week's Targets
It's old skool Revenge this week as Emily's out to destroy Vicky G, and Vicky's out to destroy Emily. #nostalgia

Gala/Caper of the Week
Victoria's wedding was the closest we got to a gala, while Nolan and Emily's jailbreak was a throwback proving yet again what perfect partners in crime these two are. And then BONUS CAPER when Em throws on a wig and crazy glasses to infiltrate Queen V's dentist's office. And then THIRD CAPER when Emily, currently the most wanted fugitive in the world, dons scrubs and a ponytail to visit Jack's hospital bed.

Nolan's Bon Mots
"You know the best thing about White Gold? It's an excellent conductor."

Best Dressed
As per tradition, Margaux gets the final crown for her slinky-yet-still-appropriate funeral LBD. Mainly because Emily spent the episode in a hoodie and/or disguise.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
So first of all, the woman Queen V blew up was her own MOTHER, who revealed on her deathbed that the dude that Queen V was attacked by as a teen was her FATHER. And then of course the laundry list of dead family members at Emily and Jack's wedding was surely a nod to this show's soaptastic pedigree.


Check back on Wednesday as Anthony gives this show the final Red Sharpie eulogy it deserves. In the meantime, check out our tribute to the top 10 things we'll miss about this show! xo


Revenge: Plea

My children. I have come before you to speak the truth to you: there is nothing bad I can say about this week’s episode of Revenge (!!!), for this was the week in which Courtney Love stabbed a man in the back. “But Constance!” you say. “This was the show’s penultimate episode and there was barely any good fashion at all!” Shh, child. A man crumpled to the floor and Courtney Love was standing behind him holding a bloody knife. “But the main character spent almost the whole episode in an orange jumpsuit, and hello, I’m not trying to watch Orange is the New—” Hush. Courtney Love’s character is named White Gold, and she is a notorious assassin of the Hamptons. “Emily’s hair was flat, Louise’s mourning dress had shoulder fringe, no one cares about David’s lymphoma, and we spent half the episode with Ben the Human Nyquil.” All of this may be true, yet what can I do? Courtney Love wears exclusively white gold, and she hates Jersey. And because the show has given this to me, I can say nothing against it.


Nothing Goes with an Ankle Monitor 

So Emily’s stuck in prison and she is not thrilled about it.

Between this and Pretty Little Liars, if there’s one thing we’ve learned this season it’s that orange jumpsuits do nothing for blondes. Anyway, we can only assume that Emily’s lawyer is blackmailing the judge with secret nude selfies, because he basically goes, “Oh, you want me to let this billionaire self-declared ninja out on bail? Seems legit.”


And obviously as soon as Emily’s out on house arrest she breaks free.

She does not have time for her impeccable Hamptons wear this week—just a functional Revenge Ninja outfit of skinnies and a black sweater. Boring, sure, but cut her some slack: ankle bracelets are murder to accessorize with.


Nolan’s subdued this week, too. In deference to the solemnity of Em’s arraignment hearing, he’s wearing probably the most conservative suit in his closet.

Just a plain ol’ navy, although obvs it’s impeccably tailored. And the boy can’t resist a playful pattern on his shirt, but I mean, he’s not a nun.


Emily tracks Mason to his old trailer park, where he has the world’s most hilariously opulent trailer. Get those embroidered throw pillows and linen drapes! He also has champagne chilling at all times. If I ever have to go on the run in Revenge-verse, I’m totally getting Mason to organize my escape. 

Mason’s neighbors tell Emily that he’s been hanging out with a woman, and as soon as they say “regal” and “good skin,” Emily’s all, “Son of a bitch, Victoria’s still alive.”


Which we really should have realized when we saw her pseuicide outfit.

Victoria Grayson, kill herself in a dress in which she has already been photographed? Never.


Fifty Shades of Black

Speaking of Victoria’s closet! Louise feels that it’s important to her mourning process that she have the chance to go through it and sniff respectfully handle all of Victoria’s clothes in a totally non-creepy fashion. But horror of horrors, she’s been locked out!

She and Margaux are in mourning black all episode, but they both pulled out their best dresses early. Louise’s black lace is delicate and tasteful without going full-on Victorian widow, and Margaux’s black sheath with white accents is chic and respectful.


Margaux puts Louise in touch with the executor of Victoria’s estate, who turns out to be our old pal Charlotte. Raise your hand if you totally forgot she was ever on the show. As per usual, Charlotte looks lovely in her floaty little frock and as per usual, she is the worst. Although I can’t really blame her for refusing to mourn Victoria—as the girl points out, she already did that last time Victoria faked her own death.

Louise is appalled that Charlotte could be so unfeeling about her own mother’s death, because as the current most easily manipulated person on this show (RIP Daniel), she is still convinced that Victoria is a saint. But at least she looks fabulous while she lets everyone mold her mind like Play-Doh! I love a gray wool sheath on a redhead. There are those who would say that I love them too much, as there are currently three wool sheaths in this redhead’s closet, but that is insane; I love them exactly the perfect amount.


Louise terrifies Charlotte with her crazy enough that Charlotte agrees to let her in to Victoria’s penthouse, where she tearfully begins sorting through Victoria’s five million bodycon dresses. “Oh, I remember this green bandage dress. And here’s the black bandage dress! And ah, the royal blue bandage dress—oh, the memories!”

As for why Louise has chosen to let her tasteful black mourning dress be augmented with bizarre and hideous shoulder fringe as she does this? That’s between her and her god.


And her ex, who she finds trying to break into Victoria’s penthouse in his best sleuthing clothes.

Outfit of the week right here. Look how the black of the sleeves matches the black of the pattern on his trousers! This is how we do the Hardy Boys in the Hamptons, boys and girls.


Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend

Meanwhile, Nolan and Jack determine that Margaux must have been in on the whole plot, so they have her framed for diamond theft. As one does.

Poor Margaux. She’ll be the chicest inmate in jail—and the black and white stripes are thematically appropriate, too!


Emily breaks into Margaux’s cell and makes this dramatic speech about how her years of revenge ninja training prepared her for this, but personally I think juvie seems like a better place to learn how to make a weapon out of batteries and a sock?

And the second Emily threatens Margaux’s flawless cheekbones, Margaux is ready to tell her everything she knows. This is why Victoria should have the occasional non-socialite inducted into her inner circle—they’re less likely to prioritize their photogenic faces over loyalty to the scheme.


The Single Greatest Moment of this Show or Any Other

After she beats the truth out of Margaux, Emily goes straight to Ben. Shockingly he fails to consider “this thing I mysteriously learned while locked up in jail” admissible evidence. But when Louise comes to him with the black hoodie she found hidden in Victoria’s closet, he has no choice but to follow up on Emily’s lead. Because there is only one black hoodie in any given city at any given time.



Victoria is alive! And wearing a fabulous silk robe, because what else do you wear when you’re Victoria Grayson on the run from your arch nemesis?


But even Victoria Grayson has to play second fiddle to what happens next, in the moment that single-handedly justifies every single boring moment that Ben has been onscreen in this entire show.

Ben crumples dead to the floor, revealing behind him . . .



We can all go home now, we’re done. TV has reached its pinnacle and will never get any better than this.


I mean, until we see what Courtney Love/White Gold has in store for us next week in the series finale. Come back and join us, okay, dolls? It will be the Red Sharpie of all Red Sharpies.


Revenge: Plea

This week on The Little Girl Who Cried Revenge (!!!): Out on bail, Emily's given an alarm bracelet and put on house arrest. You know that lasts six hot seconds before Nolan's encrypted her way out. Of course, they missed one loophole in police tech (Jack, you had one job...) and she gets thrown in without parole again. But, intent to prove Margaux is complicit in Victoria's "death," she goes all Crazy Eyes on the European fairy. So the unlikely duo of Louise and Hot Cop start to think that perhaps Victoria's not really dead, which takes Hot Cop to New Jersey where he finds... Victoria is TOTALLY NOT DEAD!! Just in time to get shanked by Courtney Love WHITE GOLD!!! The way this show is going, the only one left standing at the end of next week's finale will be Baby Carl.


This Week's Targets
Emily's out to prove her innocence, while behind the scenes, Victoria and Mason work to get her sent off to jail for life.

Gala/Caper of the Week
Retrospectively, we see how Victoria faked her own murder/suicide in a series of plot twists right out of Agatha Christie.

Best Dressed
As our main gal spent the episode in prison orange, the only notable fashion I recall is Louise's bizarrely inappropriate fringe-sleeved ensemble worn to grieve V in her apartment.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
Things take a PLL turn as a totally innocuous black hoodie is immediately recognized as THE black hoodie worn by V's mysterious attacker a few weeks ago. Because there's only one black hoodie in The Hamps, apparently. 


Check back on Wednesday to see what Constance makes of this week's penultimate episode!!


Revenge: Aftermath

This week, dental records confirm Queen V is gone, but was it murder most foul? Or was it a very elaborate revenge by suicide that blew up Victoria Grayson? As this happened on a little show called Revenge (!!!) the obvious answer is that yes, it was absolutely a plot to bring Emily down through suicide with the help of Mason Treadwell and some DNA evidence. A bit dramatic and a bit of a scorched earth policy, but the show is coming to an end so why not go out with a bang? Add a little conflict of interest and the return of Jack and it's bizness as usual in the Hamps.  And because no one can ever be happy in the Hamptons, David Clarke has cancer and Nolan's shot at a relationship with a balanced and not evil man is dashed by (of all things) an adoption. 


Scorched Earth Revenge Plots

Since Emily became Amanda again, she's really off her A-game. I mean, the Emily of season one would never have fallen for any of these tricks. In fact, she would have orchestrated the whole revenge (!!!) by apparent suicide, someone else would have gone to jail, and she'd do a slow walk away from the burning building set to the latest Florence + The Machine jam.

Not so much anymore.


Now our girl's all, "Welp, I guess that was a suicide. Too bad." and sits back in a classic camel coloured blazer and white blouse to figure out her insurance policy. 


And when the police call her in for questioning, she's all, "Okay, ex-boyfriend/complete conflict of interest, actually I do have an alibi. It's this guy who everyone thinks is dead. Let me call him." That is like Revenge for Beginners! Revenge 101! False identities! Pretending to be dead! Please, girl. I can't believe you fell for the oldest tricks in the book. Revenge Sensei would be so disappointed. At least your blouse game is on point. 

The soft colours paired with the tailored white blazer (is that a Smythe jacket? I feel like it's got the construction of Smythe) is a really good choice for being questioned by the police about a murder. Also snaps for coordinating the clothes with the phone.


But I mean, come on! Even I spotted Mason's hanky as he opened the door. 

How did she not see this? She is clearly blinded by her own success as a Revenge Master.


Even the DOJ isn't feeling these secrets.

She's all, "where did you dig up this plot? And how did you not see it coming from a mile away?


It should not have taken a Snapchat suicide letter to explain this to you, Emily. 

Get your shit together, girl, and fast. 


The Nolan Ross School of Wearing Bold Patterns

I was a little concerned that playing house with the nice new boyfriend was causing Nolan to lose his edge. A plain white tee?

Does he not have a collection of elaborately patterned silk robes? I am sure we've seen them all before.


But I guess the new boyfriend made him feel like a more subdued look was in order.

I'm torn. They're so happy! 

But so bland! 


Of course, Nolan couldn't really just hang out in plain t-shirts all day. He must have been borrowing one from the boyfriend because when Emily's bat signal went off, this is what he wore to the seen of the blast.

All is right in the world. A tailored denim blazer? I had no idea that could look so good and not remind me of Justin Timberlake's denim tuxedo from his Britney days. Better yet, it's paired with that wonderfully patterned shirt.


And, just in case you were wondering how to dress down that kind of pattern, Nolan suggests a navy pullover. 

Perfection. It's a pattern that can be worn at just about any daytime occasion  party planning, a casual gossip sesh, or discussing how your BFF's house blew up with her arch-enemy inside. 


That shirt is not alone in its grandeur this week. Oh no, there are bigger, better patterns to be had. 

Bam! Now that is a pattern.


And for tropical drinks with your beau? Just add a jacket and a coordinating pocket square.

Voila! Great for a casual day at home or the club.


Sadly, he'll probably never wear it again because it will remind him of how his very nice man friend left him to be a single dad. 

So long, stable, reliable man friend in the David Clarke cast-off safari shirt#! We hardly knew ye! 



Meanwhile in Manhattan, two of the best dresses of the episode are hanging around, worried about Victoria's wherabouts. 

I mean, best dressed. But for reals. Those dresses are magnificent. The only thing better than Margaux's big rose print sheath?

That hair! 

Someone cast this girl as a 1920s starlet! As a Daisy in a Made-for-TV version of Gatsby! The hair is so good, as is the dark lip.

Let's get a better look at those waves as Louise breaks down over the death of Victoria.

Magnifique as always.


Of course, Margaux is terribly practical about the whole suicide, and opts for a gorgeous black lace mock turtleneck as she mourns the loss of Victoria over wine.


Meanwhile, Louise is all "I know from crazy and crazy doesn't book a mani-pedi a week after their suicide." No, Louise, crazy does not. But vengeful does. And vengeful makes sure to have a minion like you on its side to cause a scene. 

At least you had your colours done and chose that dress to make a scene at the club.

I'm not convinced by the dress itself, but you my dear are clearly an Autumn. 


Now that everyone is starting to think it's murder, Margaux plots something that will not amount to anything, as per every plan she's ever concocted in her brief tenure as villainess. 

A front page story and a reward? She really should leave the plotting and revenging up to the professionals. 


California Dreamin' 

Jack finally made the sensible decision to leave the Hamptons for good and start a new life in a place far, far away from all the revenging and back stabbing and house blowing up. Everything seems perfect Casa Stevie.


He's got his kid that even he forgot he had for awhile. He's got his birth mom he only met last year.

Looking good Stevie, looking good. The sunshine and the lack of Victoria and Conrad do wonders for you.


All is right in the world of Jack and we get rewarded with this.

Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness.

You know what? Since no one can be happy on this show and we'll lose this forever, let's take a second look shall we? 

Yeah, I'll just leave that right there for you. 


Even with a cover up, Jack is making sure you get a peek at the pecs. 


But, as Jack rightly pointed out, if you disappear on the night your mortal enemy is exploded, the cops will be suspicious. So it's back to boring, dull shirts. 

Damn. Even we can't be happy. 


Two episodes left until this show gets its own final Red Sharpie, you guys! How many more patterns can they cram onto Nolan's torso? How many more amazing ways can Margaux style her hair? Will we get one final Emily ninja action sequence?? Two episodes left!!