Revenge: Two Graves

Hun, you better dig three graves because I’m dead after this finale. After years of red Sharpies, galas, secrets, lies, voluminous hair, cable knits, plotting balconies, international conspiracies, and a town that appears to give arson a pass, we’ve finally closed the double infinity loop on Revenge(!!!). Did everyone get their just desserts? Did anyone eat as much dessert (i.e. drink all the TV wine) as me watching this episode? Did more characters survive the Moldavian Massacre in Dynasty than four season with Amandily Tharke? If you were born after 1986 you won’t get that reference and if you have taste, you’ll tell me stop portmanteauing.

 

Goodbye, Miss Magnolia

Louise, I wish we had spent more time together because you were as perky as a Georgia peach during the Blue Moon harvest. It’s a shame after slaying the children with your mod take on the Stepford Wife you were dressed like a grieving caballero for this entire episode. Poor thing — even as an honourary Grayson, you still got the Mommie Dearest treatment from Queen V. Maybe it was that awful embroidery on your shoulders giving you confidence, but at least you confronted Victoria instead of running away like her other kids. Although straight up delivering her to a woman holding a loaded gun and hell-bent on Revenge(!!!) seems cold af. 

 

Au revoir, Mme "Hired Guns Are My Life"

Honestly. For introducing herself as a tough media lady with a soft heart, Margaux showed the most Revenge(!!!) potential. Not only did she wrest her family’s empire away from her father and brother (by having the latter snatched up and deported for drug possession), but she went Melrose Place crazy jumping in front of taxis and hiring hitmen to wipe people out. I knew French people were emotional but lordy! Margaux always gave me geometry realness and wasn’t afraid of mixing colours. That said, I can’t say I’m into this blue/black swirly number. It cuts her body shape in awkward places and is trying too hard to make a statement. Flop. 

 

Now this may be a simple look but that parallelogram keyhole is over the top. This is how you go from the funeral parlour to the hotel lobby for a cheeky cocktail, then to the club to live out loud. With those roots subtly coming through, I’m getting a black and gold fantasy and I ain’t mad at it. 

 

Paging Mr. Dickies

Well, Jack… you tried. 

 

Worth Her Weight in White Gold

Oh queen, I think I’m going to miss you most of all. Sure, White Gold wasn’t with us long, but when you’re played by Courtney Love, it’ll never be enough to satisfy the thirst. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen similar looks on friends of mine, but I’m getting full drag queen from this outfit and y’all shouldn’t be surprised because she bring it to you every ball. The signature gold chains are on point, the dress pattern is almost campy and her flirting tactic of needing a shot before bed actually made me squeal. Like, “eeeeeeeeeeeee she did nooooooooooot”. If the knife she used to nail Nolan’s hand to the bar had been gold, the could have stopped the episode right there – unfortunately, we had to hear Nolan’s chemistry pun before he levelled White Gold with 10K volts.

 

Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson

Speaking of Nolan’s pun, girlfriend was FULL of ‘em this week. I don’t know if they were trying to make up for misusing Nolan’s sass potential over 4 years but bless ‘em, they went for it. The only thing I objected to was him using the word “hoosegow” for prison because: a) it’s not 1930, nor will it ever be again and b) I think it’s funnier when people call it “the pokey”. Executive Producer, John Terlesky, you’re lucky your name was overlaid on these coral pants and floral shirt because I’d be as basic as an Iggy Azelea fan if I didn’t include this screenshot. LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN, BROTHER NOLAN! YOU ARE BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVOURED. 

 

Y’all only saw this for a second but through the magic of basic Photoshop skills, I lightened up this frame because Nolan’s t-shirt caught my eye. If you look closely, I believe you’ll see him wearing his t-shirt with his own mugshot which, in case you were wondering, is a STRAIGHT UP DIVA MOVE, BITCH. Bow to your queen.

 

I thought over the entire series, I’d seen every print imaginable on Nolan Ross’ wiry frame, but they Vanessa Williams’d me and saved the best for last. It’s giving me “Cape Cod beach house wallpaper” meets “Pier 1 Imports clearance shelf” and I’m loving every stitch. This also the shirt Nolan wears when he drop his best Oda Mae Brown and slays, “Emily, you in danger, girl.” 

 

Drop a House On Her, She’s Done

Victoria's kind of like glitter during Pride Week — you love it in the moment, think it could easily fit into your everyday, realize cleaning up afterward is so not worth it, and finally accept that it’ll never go away no matter how hard you scrub, vacuum, cry, etc. Seeing her decked out in her Carhartt finest and hard hat was perhaps the best “gurlllllll no” moment of the episode. It’s written all over that mug. 

 

Did you get your invite to the wig party? I did not receive my invite to the wig party and therefore was not prepared with my own wig. Hopefully I’ll receive more notice before the next wig party. 

 

In a rushed flashback to explain how Victoria nabbed a corpse that passed for her during the autopsy (normal sentence), we see her visit her expiring mother in the hospital. They reveal one more family secret and it’s on Appalachian mountain folk levels; totally get why Victoria turned out the way she did. In the body con countdown, this merlot hue with the lace cutouts isn’t my favourite — seems too “Tipsy Secretary at the Christmas Party” — but totally appropriate for a hospital visit.

 

And now, the Revenger of the Hour

Emily, we hit just about every yard of fabric you wore in our series roundtable last week, but let’s dive back into your tasteful yet functional wardrobe. Now this billowy napkin I could see as a nice curtain in a backlit, gauzy 80s love scene, but it also works as a blouse. No movement restrictions for plenty of kung fu and stabbing motions. I almost choked on my TV wine when Emily realized Victoria used her mother’s body in the explosion. Like, she actually scrunched her face and said “ew” as if that, that was the limit. The worst. The straw that finally nailed the coffin’s back. After 4 seasons of sociopathic eleganza, that finally made Emily think, “this hooker’s gone girl”. 

 

Shout out to Velma Dinkley for leaving Scooby and the Gang behind while she helped Emily mop some records from the dentist who’s conveniently closed on the exact day she escapes a maximum security prison to exact her Revenge(!!!) finale. 

 

Of course, Victoria’s wearing white during their showdown. OF COURSE. 

 

I mean, I get that Emily can’t be some Revenging Angel swathed in white but trying to do some sort of abstract “good v. evil” role reversal by playing with colour is weak. On top of the drippy speech Victoria lays out, I was just about done — until that gunshot from David Clarke changed the game. I should have expected it, but I didn’t. 

 

FLASH FORWARD MINI RECAP

Victoria shoots Emily, dies. David gets Emily to a hospital; she lives. David gets “compassionate release” from prison after killing Victoria, dies. Nautical themed knits prevail. Even though the whole show was about clearing her dad’s name and whatnot, I liked the finality of this storyline. It’s sad sure, but double infinity doesn’t exist, kids. Heavy note to take. 

 

Now let’s have a wedding!

Naturally, Nolan escorts Emily down the aisle, much like he’s escorted her on this totally normal, blood soaked journey of Revenge(!!!). I know he’s a good person because he didn’t try to upstage the bride in the wardrobe department even though he could have snatched 10s. Also, the fellow in the glasses: Dan Levy or a former Nolan tryst? I can’t put my finger on it (and I would if I could). 

 

Y’all have to give it to these kids for injecting some fairy tale elements into a love story that started out Disney and ended Grimm. I’m loving the flower wall and Emily’s woodland princess dress. Louise is actually serving your chartreuse and making it happen. Charlotte, true to form, is blending seamlessly into the background and Jack is walking as tall as he can which is shame because I like ‘em short.

 

 

A new Sammy for a new life? C’mon Puppy Love! This is the real First Family of Montauk. 

 

So we end our tale with the only fitting outcome: Emily and Jack sail into a J.Crew summer ad campaign and live happily ever after, aside from the crippling PTSD and persistent nightmares/survivor guilt. Cheers to you and a lifetime worth of emotional baggage.

I have to say, the finale gives me an 83 on closure but there’s still some questions left like what actually happened to Margaux? How is Louise still hanging out with these people when she had an easy out after putting Victoria in the ground? Who’s watching Sammy while the other two are sailing? Actually, who’s watching Carl? Jack’s mom, still? And how did that line from Charlotte about Emily’s new heart actually make it past editing? Y’know the, “She can never know where it came from. Or rather…who.” Charlotte has all the gravitas of a Denny’s Grand Slam — who let that slide?

 

For now, I’ll retire my TV wine until we stumble across another soapy dramedy about rich folks. Or I’ll start some Dynasty recaps. Either way, cheers my friends. *hugs you closely* *glares over the shoulder*

Revenge: Two Graves

This week on The Continuing Adventures of Totally Not Dead Victoria Grayson: Well, snaps to the team for actually wrapping up every single plotline for this series finale. To start things off, we learn more about Queen V's Twin Peaks level effed up parents, including the salient detail that her mother was the corpse-go-boom in the mansion explosion. Meanwhile, COURTNEY LOVE AKA WHITE GOLD continues to strut around in her leather leggings, non-fatally stabbing both Jack and Nolan. Why has this woman not been on this show until now because SHE IS EVERYTHING. Anyway, Crazypants Louise finally chooses #TeamEmily, paving the way for Emily and Victoria's final showdown, depite the fact that Em's supposed to be in high security prison right now. Anyway, Emily and Jack FINALLY hook up and, in a flashforward, get married and Nolan gives her away and I'm not crying, you're crying, shut up. With Emily in retirement, it looks like Nolan's set up to be the new Batman of the Hamptons. Um, spinoff please.

  

This Week's Targets
It's old skool Revenge this week as Emily's out to destroy Vicky G, and Vicky's out to destroy Emily. #nostalgia

Gala/Caper of the Week
Victoria's wedding was the closest we got to a gala, while Nolan and Emily's jailbreak was a throwback proving yet again what perfect partners in crime these two are. And then BONUS CAPER when Em throws on a wig and crazy glasses to infiltrate Queen V's dentist's office. And then THIRD CAPER when Emily, currently the most wanted fugitive in the world, dons scrubs and a ponytail to visit Jack's hospital bed.

Nolan's Bon Mots
"You know the best thing about White Gold? It's an excellent conductor."

Best Dressed
As per tradition, Margaux gets the final crown for her slinky-yet-still-appropriate funeral LBD. Mainly because Emily spent the episode in a hoodie and/or disguise.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
So first of all, the woman Queen V blew up was her own MOTHER, who revealed on her deathbed that the dude that Queen V was attacked by as a teen was her FATHER. And then of course the laundry list of dead family members at Emily and Jack's wedding was surely a nod to this show's soaptastic pedigree.

 

Check back on Wednesday as Anthony gives this show the final Red Sharpie eulogy it deserves. In the meantime, check out our tribute to the top 10 things we'll miss about this show! xo

Revenge: Plea

My children. I have come before you to speak the truth to you: there is nothing bad I can say about this week’s episode of Revenge (!!!), for this was the week in which Courtney Love stabbed a man in the back. “But Constance!” you say. “This was the show’s penultimate episode and there was barely any good fashion at all!” Shh, child. A man crumpled to the floor and Courtney Love was standing behind him holding a bloody knife. “But the main character spent almost the whole episode in an orange jumpsuit, and hello, I’m not trying to watch Orange is the New—” Hush. Courtney Love’s character is named White Gold, and she is a notorious assassin of the Hamptons. “Emily’s hair was flat, Louise’s mourning dress had shoulder fringe, no one cares about David’s lymphoma, and we spent half the episode with Ben the Human Nyquil.” All of this may be true, yet what can I do? Courtney Love wears exclusively white gold, and she hates Jersey. And because the show has given this to me, I can say nothing against it.

 

Nothing Goes with an Ankle Monitor 

So Emily’s stuck in prison and she is not thrilled about it.

Between this and Pretty Little Liars, if there’s one thing we’ve learned this season it’s that orange jumpsuits do nothing for blondes. Anyway, we can only assume that Emily’s lawyer is blackmailing the judge with secret nude selfies, because he basically goes, “Oh, you want me to let this billionaire self-declared ninja out on bail? Seems legit.”

 

And obviously as soon as Emily’s out on house arrest she breaks free.

She does not have time for her impeccable Hamptons wear this week—just a functional Revenge Ninja outfit of skinnies and a black sweater. Boring, sure, but cut her some slack: ankle bracelets are murder to accessorize with.

 

Nolan’s subdued this week, too. In deference to the solemnity of Em’s arraignment hearing, he’s wearing probably the most conservative suit in his closet.

Just a plain ol’ navy, although obvs it’s impeccably tailored. And the boy can’t resist a playful pattern on his shirt, but I mean, he’s not a nun.

 

Emily tracks Mason to his old trailer park, where he has the world’s most hilariously opulent trailer. Get those embroidered throw pillows and linen drapes! He also has champagne chilling at all times. If I ever have to go on the run in Revenge-verse, I’m totally getting Mason to organize my escape. 

Mason’s neighbors tell Emily that he’s been hanging out with a woman, and as soon as they say “regal” and “good skin,” Emily’s all, “Son of a bitch, Victoria’s still alive.”

 

Which we really should have realized when we saw her pseuicide outfit.

Victoria Grayson, kill herself in a dress in which she has already been photographed? Never.

 

Fifty Shades of Black

Speaking of Victoria’s closet! Louise feels that it’s important to her mourning process that she have the chance to go through it and sniff respectfully handle all of Victoria’s clothes in a totally non-creepy fashion. But horror of horrors, she’s been locked out!

She and Margaux are in mourning black all episode, but they both pulled out their best dresses early. Louise’s black lace is delicate and tasteful without going full-on Victorian widow, and Margaux’s black sheath with white accents is chic and respectful.

 

Margaux puts Louise in touch with the executor of Victoria’s estate, who turns out to be our old pal Charlotte. Raise your hand if you totally forgot she was ever on the show. As per usual, Charlotte looks lovely in her floaty little frock and as per usual, she is the worst. Although I can’t really blame her for refusing to mourn Victoria—as the girl points out, she already did that last time Victoria faked her own death.

Louise is appalled that Charlotte could be so unfeeling about her own mother’s death, because as the current most easily manipulated person on this show (RIP Daniel), she is still convinced that Victoria is a saint. But at least she looks fabulous while she lets everyone mold her mind like Play-Doh! I love a gray wool sheath on a redhead. There are those who would say that I love them too much, as there are currently three wool sheaths in this redhead’s closet, but that is insane; I love them exactly the perfect amount.

 

Louise terrifies Charlotte with her crazy enough that Charlotte agrees to let her in to Victoria’s penthouse, where she tearfully begins sorting through Victoria’s five million bodycon dresses. “Oh, I remember this green bandage dress. And here’s the black bandage dress! And ah, the royal blue bandage dress—oh, the memories!”

As for why Louise has chosen to let her tasteful black mourning dress be augmented with bizarre and hideous shoulder fringe as she does this? That’s between her and her god.

 

And her ex, who she finds trying to break into Victoria’s penthouse in his best sleuthing clothes.

Outfit of the week right here. Look how the black of the sleeves matches the black of the pattern on his trousers! This is how we do the Hardy Boys in the Hamptons, boys and girls.

 

Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend

Meanwhile, Nolan and Jack determine that Margaux must have been in on the whole plot, so they have her framed for diamond theft. As one does.

Poor Margaux. She’ll be the chicest inmate in jail—and the black and white stripes are thematically appropriate, too!

 

Emily breaks into Margaux’s cell and makes this dramatic speech about how her years of revenge ninja training prepared her for this, but personally I think juvie seems like a better place to learn how to make a weapon out of batteries and a sock?

And the second Emily threatens Margaux’s flawless cheekbones, Margaux is ready to tell her everything she knows. This is why Victoria should have the occasional non-socialite inducted into her inner circle—they’re less likely to prioritize their photogenic faces over loyalty to the scheme.

 

The Single Greatest Moment of this Show or Any Other

After she beats the truth out of Margaux, Emily goes straight to Ben. Shockingly he fails to consider “this thing I mysteriously learned while locked up in jail” admissible evidence. But when Louise comes to him with the black hoodie she found hidden in Victoria’s closet, he has no choice but to follow up on Emily’s lead. Because there is only one black hoodie in any given city at any given time.

 

AND THEN!!!

Victoria is alive! And wearing a fabulous silk robe, because what else do you wear when you’re Victoria Grayson on the run from your arch nemesis?

 

But even Victoria Grayson has to play second fiddle to what happens next, in the moment that single-handedly justifies every single boring moment that Ben has been onscreen in this entire show.

Ben crumples dead to the floor, revealing behind him . . .

 

COURTNEY LOVE, AKA WHITE GOLD, NOTORIOUS ASSASSIN OF THE HAMPTONS.

We can all go home now, we’re done. TV has reached its pinnacle and will never get any better than this.

 

I mean, until we see what Courtney Love/White Gold has in store for us next week in the series finale. Come back and join us, okay, dolls? It will be the Red Sharpie of all Red Sharpies.

Revenge: Plea

This week on The Little Girl Who Cried Revenge (!!!): Out on bail, Emily's given an alarm bracelet and put on house arrest. You know that lasts six hot seconds before Nolan's encrypted her way out. Of course, they missed one loophole in police tech (Jack, you had one job...) and she gets thrown in without parole again. But, intent to prove Margaux is complicit in Victoria's "death," she goes all Crazy Eyes on the European fairy. So the unlikely duo of Louise and Hot Cop start to think that perhaps Victoria's not really dead, which takes Hot Cop to New Jersey where he finds... Victoria is TOTALLY NOT DEAD!! Just in time to get shanked by Courtney Love WHITE GOLD!!! The way this show is going, the only one left standing at the end of next week's finale will be Baby Carl.

 

This Week's Targets
Emily's out to prove her innocence, while behind the scenes, Victoria and Mason work to get her sent off to jail for life.

Gala/Caper of the Week
Retrospectively, we see how Victoria faked her own murder/suicide in a series of plot twists right out of Agatha Christie.

Best Dressed
As our main gal spent the episode in prison orange, the only notable fashion I recall is Louise's bizarrely inappropriate fringe-sleeved ensemble worn to grieve V in her apartment.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
Things take a PLL turn as a totally innocuous black hoodie is immediately recognized as THE black hoodie worn by V's mysterious attacker a few weeks ago. Because there's only one black hoodie in The Hamps, apparently. 

 

Check back on Wednesday to see what Constance makes of this week's penultimate episode!!

Revenge: Aftermath

This week, dental records confirm Queen V is gone, but was it murder most foul? Or was it a very elaborate revenge by suicide that blew up Victoria Grayson? As this happened on a little show called Revenge (!!!) the obvious answer is that yes, it was absolutely a plot to bring Emily down through suicide with the help of Mason Treadwell and some DNA evidence. A bit dramatic and a bit of a scorched earth policy, but the show is coming to an end so why not go out with a bang? Add a little conflict of interest and the return of Jack and it's bizness as usual in the Hamps.  And because no one can ever be happy in the Hamptons, David Clarke has cancer and Nolan's shot at a relationship with a balanced and not evil man is dashed by (of all things) an adoption. 

 

Scorched Earth Revenge Plots

Since Emily became Amanda again, she's really off her A-game. I mean, the Emily of season one would never have fallen for any of these tricks. In fact, she would have orchestrated the whole revenge (!!!) by apparent suicide, someone else would have gone to jail, and she'd do a slow walk away from the burning building set to the latest Florence + The Machine jam.

Not so much anymore.

 

Now our girl's all, "Welp, I guess that was a suicide. Too bad." and sits back in a classic camel coloured blazer and white blouse to figure out her insurance policy. 

 

And when the police call her in for questioning, she's all, "Okay, ex-boyfriend/complete conflict of interest, actually I do have an alibi. It's this guy who everyone thinks is dead. Let me call him." That is like Revenge for Beginners! Revenge 101! False identities! Pretending to be dead! Please, girl. I can't believe you fell for the oldest tricks in the book. Revenge Sensei would be so disappointed. At least your blouse game is on point. 

The soft colours paired with the tailored white blazer (is that a Smythe jacket? I feel like it's got the construction of Smythe) is a really good choice for being questioned by the police about a murder. Also snaps for coordinating the clothes with the phone.

 

But I mean, come on! Even I spotted Mason's hanky as he opened the door. 

How did she not see this? She is clearly blinded by her own success as a Revenge Master.

 

Even the DOJ isn't feeling these secrets.

She's all, "where did you dig up this plot? And how did you not see it coming from a mile away?

 

It should not have taken a Snapchat suicide letter to explain this to you, Emily. 

Get your shit together, girl, and fast. 

 

The Nolan Ross School of Wearing Bold Patterns

I was a little concerned that playing house with the nice new boyfriend was causing Nolan to lose his edge. A plain white tee?

Does he not have a collection of elaborately patterned silk robes? I am sure we've seen them all before.

 

But I guess the new boyfriend made him feel like a more subdued look was in order.

I'm torn. They're so happy! 

But so bland! 

 

Of course, Nolan couldn't really just hang out in plain t-shirts all day. He must have been borrowing one from the boyfriend because when Emily's bat signal went off, this is what he wore to the seen of the blast.

All is right in the world. A tailored denim blazer? I had no idea that could look so good and not remind me of Justin Timberlake's denim tuxedo from his Britney days. Better yet, it's paired with that wonderfully patterned shirt.

 

And, just in case you were wondering how to dress down that kind of pattern, Nolan suggests a navy pullover. 

Perfection. It's a pattern that can be worn at just about any daytime occasion  party planning, a casual gossip sesh, or discussing how your BFF's house blew up with her arch-enemy inside. 

 

That shirt is not alone in its grandeur this week. Oh no, there are bigger, better patterns to be had. 

Bam! Now that is a pattern.

 

And for tropical drinks with your beau? Just add a jacket and a coordinating pocket square.

Voila! Great for a casual day at home or the club.

 

Sadly, he'll probably never wear it again because it will remind him of how his very nice man friend left him to be a single dad. 

So long, stable, reliable man friend in the David Clarke cast-off safari shirt#! We hardly knew ye! 

 

#TeamVictoria

Meanwhile in Manhattan, two of the best dresses of the episode are hanging around, worried about Victoria's wherabouts. 

I mean, best dressed. But for reals. Those dresses are magnificent. The only thing better than Margaux's big rose print sheath?

That hair! 

Someone cast this girl as a 1920s starlet! As a Daisy in a Made-for-TV version of Gatsby! The hair is so good, as is the dark lip.

Let's get a better look at those waves as Louise breaks down over the death of Victoria.

Magnifique as always.

 

Of course, Margaux is terribly practical about the whole suicide, and opts for a gorgeous black lace mock turtleneck as she mourns the loss of Victoria over wine.

 

Meanwhile, Louise is all "I know from crazy and crazy doesn't book a mani-pedi a week after their suicide." No, Louise, crazy does not. But vengeful does. And vengeful makes sure to have a minion like you on its side to cause a scene. 

At least you had your colours done and chose that dress to make a scene at the club.

I'm not convinced by the dress itself, but you my dear are clearly an Autumn. 

 

Now that everyone is starting to think it's murder, Margaux plots something that will not amount to anything, as per every plan she's ever concocted in her brief tenure as villainess. 

A front page story and a reward? She really should leave the plotting and revenging up to the professionals. 

 

California Dreamin' 

Jack finally made the sensible decision to leave the Hamptons for good and start a new life in a place far, far away from all the revenging and back stabbing and house blowing up. Everything seems perfect Casa Stevie.

 

He's got his kid that even he forgot he had for awhile. He's got his birth mom he only met last year.

Looking good Stevie, looking good. The sunshine and the lack of Victoria and Conrad do wonders for you.

 

All is right in the world of Jack and we get rewarded with this.

Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness.

You know what? Since no one can be happy on this show and we'll lose this forever, let's take a second look shall we? 

Yeah, I'll just leave that right there for you. 

 

Even with a cover up, Jack is making sure you get a peek at the pecs. 

 

But, as Jack rightly pointed out, if you disappear on the night your mortal enemy is exploded, the cops will be suspicious. So it's back to boring, dull shirts. 

Damn. Even we can't be happy. 

 

Two episodes left until this show gets its own final Red Sharpie, you guys! How many more patterns can they cram onto Nolan's torso? How many more amazing ways can Margaux style her hair? Will we get one final Emily ninja action sequence?? Two episodes left!!

Revenge: Aftermath

This week on NORTH BY NORTHEAST: Everyone's dealing with the fallout of last week's Vicky Go Boom. Emily's quickly caught in a Hitchcockian nightmare of everyone assuming she killed Vicky G and since her badassness is now public knowledge, it's basically impossible to disprove. It doesn't help that her recent ex Hot Cop is leading the investigation, and her alibi is she was running after Jack at the airport to declare her love. Conflict of interest much? Tragically, Jack's shirtless California advantures are cut short as he heads to the Hamps to confront Emily, but we'll always have the screencaps. And then Vicky's Girl Army of Margaux and Louise throw down fabulous fashions as they investigate their mentor's death. And then the biggest remaining queen on the show, Mason Effing Treadwell, turns out to be the new big bad as he helps frame Emily for V's "murder." And just when you think Nolan's got a easy breezy plotline about vacation planning with his new piece, said piece dumps him in favor of becoming a single gay dad. Because NOBODY IS EVER HAPPY ON THIS SHOW.

 

This Week's Targets
Mason's out to get Emily, Hot Cop is out to get Emily, and Emily's out to get Mason Treadwell.

Gala/Caper of the Week
Mason brought the intrigue this week, surrepticiously planting V's hair and DNA in Emily's car to help frame her for the "murder."

Best Dressed
Margaux's lacy look (and dark lippie) when she read Victoria's suicide letter was somehow perfect for the moment. And the 1920s flapper realness of her hair continues to inspire the entire viewership to cut theirs off, too.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
Queen Victoria's video suicide SnapChat was pretty much everything you want in a last-minute plot twist. She'll be missed around here.

 

 

Check back on Wednesday for our full fashion recap of this week's mourning and scheming.

Revenge: Burn

So this week on the soapiest soap to ever soap, Emily and Nolan are on a mission to get the flash drive back, but it was a super easy grab, so I'm not sure what all the drama over it was about for the last few episodes. David learns he has cancer, but decides not to tell Emily just yet, because keeping secrets always works out well on this show. Jack decides to leave the Hamps behind to head to L.A. with Baby Carl and Memaw Stevie. And our boy Nolan seems to have found a good guy for once, and makes it runway official. Of course Louise adorably tries to ruin this, reminding us all to never go against Nolan Ross when tech is involved. So Louise turns to her other main plotline, begrudgingly teaming up with Margaux on #TeamVictoria. That plan also doesn't work out as she anticipated, as Vicky G kills herself in a blaze of glory. Literally.

 

Since Lulu and Margs are all #TeamVictoria, I was hoping for some killer fashionz in one grab, but those camera angles are a pain and hence James Tupper's name photobombing this pic. Anyway, I’m not loving Louise’s weird, short, wispy bangs, but I do love the shoulder pads on that blazer. Good for her new villainous persona.

We only get a hint of Margaux here, but don’t worry, she wears the same thing all ep, and I got an AMAZING shot of her glorious hair, so stay calm, my babies. Victoria looks impeccable as we all do first thing in the morning, at least on TV.

 

While Queen V and her minions are bickering, Emily and Jack are paying their respects to Fauxmanda (blast from the past!) since she can now have her real name, Emily Thorne, on her tombstone since Emanda revealed that she’s Amanda Clarke… following?

Sticking to her loose revenge (!!!) wear, Ems is donning a baby blue peasant blouse, and I’m kinda loving it, but I may be detracted by the beautiful color on her. Jack’s looking pretty basic, but handsome as ever.

 

And Nolan has taken his social worker to a mid-morning fashion show, obvs, to shop for a suit to wear to the upcoming charity event. This is like his version of Facebook official.

I spilled coffee all over myself in jaw-dropping excitement over this suit. Nolan, you’re a fashion genius. Please come tell me what to wear. I can be your next charity case! 

 

Meanwhile, Louise coaxes Victoria out from her room to go to lunch, even though Victoria’s antsier than my son when he has to pee. Too vivid? Sorry…

I’m dying over this coat though. Is it sheer and embroidered? I don’t know for sure, but it’s stunning, and far too lovely to be kicked to the curb, again, literally. Girl get thrown down by a mystery ninja who she claims is Emily but that's not our girl's style so who knows?

 

After the attack on Victoria in the parking garage, Louise comforts her anxious friend with a drink and a few comforting words. I like how Victoria added a necklace upon her return to the room. Why wouldn’t she wear it out?

I’m really digging Louise’s necklace as well. I’m not crazy about the rest of the outfit, but only because of the color. Fits her like a glove, like most things do when you've got a bod like that.

 

Lousie heads over to Margaux’s office, and is berated for trying to take Victoria out to lunch.

Margaux is pretty unstable these days, but she is fiercely protective of Victoria. That purple, colorblocked dress is fab, and it's a good thing, because she wears is all day long. What's happened to you, Margaux? I mean, other than the whole bae got shot, she got hit by a car, miscarried a baby, inadvertently murdered somebody... but that's just a regular Sunday in the Hamps.

 

However, we know all too well what happened to Victoria: Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke. And she's still changing outfits like an Oscars host, but far mor casual.

I love this sweater. I want to give it a glass of wine and curl up with it on the couch. Emily and Nolan hatch a plan to get back the flash drive, and Ems takes off to make another costume change, leaving Nolan to head to his charity gala with his new man.

 

And still in the same outfit, Margaux's trying to get Victoria to hand over the flash drive to the FBI. 

Look at Margaux's hair. Look! I told you it was coming! Those drop earrings are beautiful as well. Anyway, V finally hands over the flash drive, but the freaking FBI agent loses it to Emily, dressed as a firefighter when the fire alarm is pulled, in some David Blaine close up magic style. Why were they even worried about this?

 

Emily heads home completely relieved to be done with everything. "No more battles to fight", she says. That's a jinx if I ever heard one.

And David decides to keep his mouth shut over the whole cancer sitch. Good call, I'm sure nothing bad will come of that.

 

While Emily and daddy dearest are having a moment, Nolan is having one of his own in that stunning suit. Black piping on the blazer, monochrome paisley shirt and a polka dotted pocket square... I'm having flashes of Chuck Bass.

Louise comes in and makes a scene in true soap style by spilling wine on Nolan's new BF's new suit. She also manages to have her plans to get a confession out of Nolan thwarted when he resets her phone so she can't record him. I'm not crazy about Louise or her dress, but only because it's about two sizes too small in the bust. Surely she could afford to buy the dress a bit larger and have it tailored, no? 

 

Across town we have another weird embrace between Victoria and Margaux. These two really like touching each others' faces.

They also clearly love them some beautiful outerwear.

 

Margaux hands Vicky over to her bodyguard, who delivers that fugly chair to her. 

Why wasn't that thing burned?

 

Thinking that things are over with his new guy, a slightly dishevelled Nolan meets up with Ems at a bonfire, as you do, to tell her to go after Jack before he heads to L.A. with Stevie.

 

But Nolan's new paramour turns up to return his suit, and to let him know that he's not going anywhere.

Aww, I hope this one works out for our favorite Hamptonite. Though I haven't bothered remembering his name, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

Meanwhile, Margaux and Louise decide to put their differences aside for Victoria's sake. 

I'm still unsure about this alliance. They seem like water and oil to me, but we should get some great style combos out of it, this one notwithstanding.

 

While they're off toasting to Victoria, the Queen herself is having a super dramatic, soapy moment over at Greyson Manor.

That red sequinned dress is stunning. Even next to that hideous chair. Can someone burn that chair please?? (SPOILER)

News flash: Friends dont let friends by ugly furniture. The more you know.

 

Friends do however, convince friends to chase after the ones they love, and Emily heads to the airport to get Jack. Narrowly missing him (obviously, because: soap opera), Emily finds herself met by the headlights of a car carrying none other than MASON EFFING TREADWELL!

Looking like he stepped out of an Indiana Jones movie, Mason reminds Emily that he was writing her story, and she ruined it by revealing her true identity. How did he know she was there? For someone claiming to be so stelthy, people seem to always be able to find her. I digress, Mason proceeds to narrate over shots of the entire ensemble wrapping things up, Jack on the plane, Nolan and his bf, Ben drinking after dumping Emily, David waiting to start chemo....

 

... AND VICTORIA BLOWING UP THE FREAKING HOUSE WITH HERSELF INSIDE!!!

HOLY SHIT. Now that was the soapiest moment on this show by far, and there was some Dynasty level stuff going on all episode.

 

Well, it looks like the Queen is dead, so I'm not entirely sure how the show will continue, though plenty of not exciting cliff hangers are dangling in front of us. We should get a pretty glam funeral out of this though...

Revenge: Burn

This week on SO MUCH DEATH AND SADNESS: Emily and Nolan make short work of stealing back the USB to the point that I'm not sure why they were worried in the first place? Margaux and Lousie make a tentative peace because they're both on #TeamVictoria and she makes them, basically, in between nervous breakdowns. Also, Nolan may finally have a decent boyfriend worthy of him!! Here's hoping Social Worker Dude doesn't turn out to be secretly in league with [insert villain of the week]. A few other things happen like Hot Cop catches a clue and breaks up with Ems, Jack gets the heck out of the town that's only ever brought him heartbreak, and David's diagnosed with leukemia, which he doesn't tell his daughter, because: of course. We're also treated to a few few blasts from the past as Queen V reunites with her still super fugly throne and Mason Effing Treadwell shows up.But none of that compares to Victoria BLOWING GRAYSON MANOR UP WITH HER INSIDE!!!

 

This Week's Targets
Emily's after the flash drive; Queen V's after Emily. Or she thinks Emily is after her. Or something?

Gala/Caper Flashback Montage of the Week
Emily and Nolan's fire drill/USB-sensing device scheme was straight out of Mission Impossible and I kind of loved it.

Best Dressed
Margaux's characterization continues to flip-flop, but her fashion never takes a break from European perfection. This week's bright pink bodycon was EVERYTHING.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
I was just about to hand this to Emily's rom com dash to the airport, right until Victoria BLEW HER DAMN HOUSE UP.

 

 

Check back on Wednesday to for Lauren's full recap of this week's explosive new developments.

Revenge: Exposure

So the fall out from Emily/Amanda's big reveal is...a clip show! That's right. In case you've missed the last four years of Revenge and were wondering why anyone on this show is motivated to do any of the bat shit crazy things they do (which, frankly, at this point is legit. It's hard to keep track sometimes), this was the episode for you. Dead dogs, dead friends, dead lovers, dead Red Sharpies, at least one downward spiral and no Declan ever. Basically, a lot of people have died and maybe none are missed more than that damn Red Sharpie of Revenge (!!!). Except maybe Conrad. I really missed him bringing the evil patriarch realness. There's very little plot movement, but let's recap what we do have: Louise starts the divorce proceedings under the tutelage of the Victoria Grayson School of Revengy Divorces; Margaux waffles on taking the high road; Jack drags out the inevitable romance with Emily/Amanda; Nolan is a digital hoarder with a serious case of regret; and Emily/Amanda (what do we call her now?) has the power to show up anywhere in the Tri-State area with perfect timing  whether it's threatening a guy from season one or taking over an interview from Victoria. 

 

Southern Comfort

Oh Lulu. You poor manipulated creature you.

You are probably the most easily manipulated character in all four seasons of this show and that's saying someting.

 

But your divorce wear? Aces. 

It's not just the polka dots or your Middleton-level blow out that's fantastic here. It's the whole early Betty Draper cut of the dress. 

And paired with that clutch and bracelet? So good. Listen to Victoria less and maybe understand why your beard husband couldn't reveal the truth about his BFF (I mean really. That's not really pillow talk) and you're golden. 

 

French Connection

So profoundly sad now that Daniel's been declared a heroic derp and you (briefly) realize revenge (!!!) isn't the way to go. 

You do it with such amazing hair and your blue shadow works so well with the cobalt blue dress with cut-outs. I mean let's try to get a full length shot.

While Victoria is not floating my boat in that burgundy power suit, Margaux's plunging neckline paired with the great drop earrings and the amazing colour are a thing of beauty. Perfect for resting at home after being hit by a taxi that causes you to miscarry. To quote an old French song that Canadian grade schoolers know well: C'est formidable. Exceptionnel. C'est excellent. Sensationnel. C'est Merveilleux. Magnifique. As always though. 

 

The Family that Sweaters Together

Emily/Amanda answers the age old question of "what do you wear as you review your latest coup on the 24 hour news cycle?" 

 

Why, it's a boxy, bland sweater I abandoned in 1997. 

Girl, please. We know your sweater game is better than that. This was a clip show after all, so we saw some of your amazing cable knits from seasons past.

 

Likewise, this cable? v-neck just isn't cutting it.

The family that wears v-necks together, stays together, I suppose. 

 

WhaleCam Revisited

At first, the whole reveal on the news is a great, if just a little subdued, moment for Nolan. The red v-neck (what is it with the v-necks this week?) doesn't really do it for me, but I love that he pairs it with subtle plaid tweed.

 

However, his digital hoarding (hacker pro-tip: delete the evidence that you helped your friend impersonate federal agents, among other things) comes back to bite him hard as Victoria manages to find a poorly dressed young hacker to steal his files. 

That kid in his Office Space Friday Casual wishes he was Nolan Ross. Both in skill and style. Victoria, on the other hand, does casual revenging like no one else in lace body con. I feel like we've seen this look before, but it's a look that works for her and why fix it if it ain't broke. 

 

However, this all leads to a very sad moment. The death of the WhaleCam.

It lived to revenge (!!!) and it did it so well. Like poor, sad Nolan, I'm sorry it had to be thrown into the flames.

 

So damn uninspired

Can you guess who we're talking about here? Yep. The main love interests for Emily/Amanda. Can't she fall in like/love with a slightly more dapper fellow? Ben is all hurt he had to find out from the news. 

Oh really? You thought she'd give that secret up to a dude who wears a black polo to confront her? Let's revisit: your girlfriend's secret identity that she's been working for more than 10 years is not pillow talk. Deal with it. Move on. 

 

And the man who is supposedly the love of her life, if only those two crazy kids could just get their acts together? He wears all the button up shirts. 

Unless you're going to attempt an early days triple popped collar (pro-tip: don't), then one shirt is sufficient for July. 

 

Impeccable Taste and Timing

How does she do it? Emily/Amanda has a teleporter or a TARDIS or something right? Tell me she at least has a helicopter. Because her ability to move around time and space in the Tri-State area and be somewhere at just the right moment is second to none. Senator Kingsley (first victim of the Red Sharpie Society) hangs up the phone and who is there eavesdropping on his plans to take down Emily/Amanda? That's right.

And she's there in white hot pant suit. She may be out of the revenge (!!!) game, but she still means bizness. 

 

And as her computer system picks up on Victoria's whereabouts in Manhattan, she's on it  out of the cable knit v-neck and into the city with a practical grey dress that says "I will cry just a little and throw you under the bus on live TV like the true Gone Girl I am." 

It's nothing special, but it's PR 101 perfect for this interview. 

 

ABC Family Cross Over Special

As Emily/Amanda tells her dad she's got no idea what to do with herself now that her scheming days are done, somewhere on a green screened beach we start to learn what's next.

 

Sipping those mai tais is our next plot twist:

It's #A, bitches!!! Clearly A is a psycho for hire, willing to stalk any blonde with amazing hair.

 

... Or not. I'm sure it's actually something far more convoluted than even Rosewood could cook up. 

Revenge: Exposure

This week on SADDEST CLIP SHOW EVER: If you were wondering how ABC and Revenge were going to compete with Game of Thrones' return to the Sunday time slot, the answer turns out to be: flashback show. Seriously. Though it was obvz fun to see Nolan's various hairstyles and #NolEm's various takedowns, this all felt sort of unnecessary. Ultimately, between reminding us of the great fun of the first season, the end result is Emily gives a tell-all interview on live TV that throws Victoria under the bus. All of which begs the question: why, in the universe of this show, is everyone across the country obsessed with the Emily Thorne/David Clarke/Victoria Grayson saga? Are there no international wars, Presidential elections, homeland security issues, movie stars behaving badly... like this is seriously the only thing for citizens of this fake world to worry about?

 

This Week's Targets
It's Emily vs Victoria, round infinity.

Gala/Caper Flashback Montage of the Week
While the Emily/Jack/Dead Dog montage tugged at the heartstrings, it was sweet to see the recap of Emily and Nolan's BFF-ship. Plus: bonus snaps for some Flashback Conrad action! The show's never been the same since they killed off that fabulous bastard.

Best Dressed
Is-she-or-isn't-she-evil Margaux's blue dress with shoulder cutouts wins the crown this week. That said, Louise's divorcee chic look, complete with Middleton-adjacent shiny waves, is a vast improvement over her last few outfits. 

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
FLASHBACK SHOW. They did a FLASHBACK SHOW, like soaps do for holiday episodes or whatever.

 

 

Check back on Wednesday to for L-A's full recap of this week's dance down memory lane.

Revenge: Clarity

You wanna talk a reveal? Emily Thorne is giving you Full Dramatic Reveal Telemundo Realness. Why? ‘Cuz the woman straight up told the world she is Amanda Clarke. Finally. FINALLY. After all the Initiative nonsense, ninja subplots, Malcolm Black saga and listening to Conrad whisper talk for 3 seasons, we’re making some solid story progress! Let’s all take a moment to enjoy this and imagine where our Revenge roller-coaster will take us next. Actually, forget that — let’s focus on the fact that COURTNEY LOVE is now a guest star playing an assassin named White Gold. That shit is fierce the house down.

 

BBQ-in' Bros

I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t call out Ben’s brother for wearing an ill-fitting Hawaiian shirt to the BBQ where he meets Ben’s ludicrously wealthy, impossibly chic girlfriend at her Montauk mansion. Instead of worrying about how Emily takes her burger, why don’t you slip into one of the many robes you know are stashed in that house and toss that shirt onto the flames?

 

Southern Comfort

Oh, Louise — I’m feeling for you, gal. First you half-murder your brother for your beard husband, then you find out Nolan’s ditching you for midnight beach parties with a slew of drop dead gorgeous men who prefer the company of men. I can’t say I blame him, but Louise deserves the truth. Especially when she wants to get day drunk in a robe and watch bad reality TV. Hun, marry me! Those are for real relationship goals. Shout out to the cute black and white dress she’s sporting while throwing Victoria out of the house. Honestly, it works because of the yellow belt (and I’m sucker for a red head).

 

Lady in Black

Despite being one of my favourite classy ladies of Revenge, I’m disappointed with Victoria this week. It was black, black and more black. This ain’t winter in NYC, doll. She might have been put in her place when it came to naming the research centre after Daniel, but the look on her face during Emily’s reveal was everything. I can’t wait to see how she deals with this business. 

 

GQ? More like He-Q!

Tbh, I’m not sold on that subtitle, but I’m all for trying new things. Anyway, I’m loving Nolan’s color block looks this week. Pistachio is not an easy shade to pull off, especially with his fair complexion. But damn, if I didn’t want to tackle him to the ground and tear that jacket to shreds while we had a moment like Danny and Sandy on the beach in Grease

 

Now, when your boy drops into the club with that scarlet jacket, that’s a look for days. Nolan’s giving me Swooning Entrepreneur the old way and hair the new way. It’s a nice contrast against Emily’s teal top. Praise hands for her gold jewellery, I adore the geometric shape. 

 

Tell It To Him, Stevie

How many of y’all gave some snaps to Stevie for laying down the law with Emily? I mean, at this point, I’m pretty sure Em and Jack will end up together when Revenge is done and dusted, but she treats him like a damn doormat. Stevie took it up a notch and gave David an earful while wearing a gorgeous eggplant sweater, expertly paired with a simple gold necklace. This is a perfect example of keeping things simple yet stylish. It’s bit more comfortable a look than Emily’s simple chic but it’s working for me. 

 

French Revolution

Let’s be straight up about Margaux: she’s been a bit batshit crazy the past few weeks. I don’t know if this temporary lull in Red Sharpie activity is an act, but we’ll wait to see how she handles Emily’s confession. While she gave you Executive Realness when meeting with White Gold (yes, the assassin), she channeled some severe Blanche Deveraux looks with that flowing silk floral robe. And threatening her henchman with his own hit? Don’t cross this woman, hun. 

 

This Hit, That White Gold

I AM SO HAPPY COURTNEY LOVE IS ON TV. The woman is the definition of ferocity and even in her brief scene with Margaux, she killed it. Much like she’ll kill whoever’s on her list. The woman’s a professional and you’re getting that as she coordinates her clothing to her name. The shoes, the clutch, the necklace, the raccoon eyes – it’s all happening. And I’m so thankful she wasn’t named Blue Black. 

 

Full Dramatic Reveal Telemundo Realness

Emily, gurl. Oh, my bad — Amanda. No, Emanda. Gurl. There was plenty of white and beige being served for y’all and her BBQ ensemble was a prime example. Y’all know that’s a Cashmere sweater and the necklace is perfectly set against its neutral tone. Hair goals for days.

 

Aside from the teal look at the club with Nolan, Emanda’s drop dead look this week was the dress she wore to the press conference that shook the nation. It looks like a wallpaper we had in our kitchen in 1991, but on a solemn woman about to bare her soul, I’m living. Don’t think I didn’t notice she wore white to convey some shred of innocence to the public, OK?

 

I still get a kick out of watching her and Jack in scenes together. For sure he's a handsome mutha in that suit, but he’s also so short next to this Amazon. Look closely at all their scenes — Jack is at least a foot away from Emanda at all times to cheat the camera. 

 

I’m upgrading the TV Wine to TV Bourbon for next week’s episode. Do y’all think Victoria and Margaux will go soft with this confession? I think there’s going to be a severe chance of weave ganking and body shanking after this. But if we just focus on White Gold for the rest of the season, I’d also be fine with that, too. I LOVE YOU, COURTNEY.

Revenge: Clarity

This week on THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EMILY AND NOLAN DON'T HANG OUT ENOUGH: Louise is going full Betty Draper in her sham marriage to Nolan, which turns him into Don Draper, which is not going to lead these two anywhere good. Meanwhile, it turns out I was wrong and Margaux intentionally miscarrying  not only was it totes an accident, but she now feels bad about blaming Emily. Has there ever been a more wishy-washy villain ever? Luckily, Victoria's stepping up to take revenge (!!!), which means she steps into some serious Maleficent chic this week. As a final twist, Emily steps up and announces her true identity to the world, surprising everyone, including her ostensible BFF. When Emily and Nolan don't get bestie time, stuff like this happens, you guys!!

 

This Week's Targets
V's out to get Emily again, which is so much more satisfying than watching her plan parties or whatever. Meanwhile, Emily's got a reverse-vendetta as she sets out to clear Daniel's name.

Gala/Caper of the Week
All the big shots came out for the opening of the Not Daniel Grayson Memorial Wing of the hospital! I don't think this show's done a literal groundbreaking before, so golf claps for trying something new.

Best Dressed
Queen V and Margaux were both working some ferosh grieving villain chic with Margaux's structured menswear insired ensemble and V's American Horror Story fashions.

Most Soapy Amazatron Moment:
So the assassin Margaux hired was SPECIAL GUEST STAR COURTNEY LOVE!! First Empire, now this show? I am here for C-Love's takeover of primetime soaps.

 

Check back on Wednesday to for Anthony's take on this week's Revenge-tastic shenanigans.

Revenge: Loss

This week our revenging focus is not on Louise's recently deceased brother (RIP what's-his-name), but on Margaux's wild attempts at taking down Jack, Emily and everyone in sight in an effort to clear her derpy baby daddy's name. After an ill-fated try at clobbering Jack, Margaux admits defeat and decides that maybe revenge (!!!) doesn't suit her. That is, until she gets hit by a freaking taxi, loses the baby and claims that Emily pushed her, even though she was 5 feet away. You don't stand in the middle of a NYC road unless you want to get hit, amirite?

 

Southern Comfort

Considering her brother fell to his death last ep, Louise's storyline is incredibly minimized, as is her wardrobe...

We get it, you're in mourning. How about you throw on a LBD for us, Lulu. She does ham it up for hot cop, Ben, though. Excellent acting, even with a horrible accent. Luckily Nolan is killing it as always. I'm really dying over those kelly green trousers. Stunning.

 

Nolan trades in the green pants for reds, and Louise admits she may have been slightly present when Lyman toppled over the cliff. Gah, this show is soapy!

Louise's dress is a step up from the chunky cardi-sweatpants combo, but not by much. Flattering? Sure. Boring? Definitely.

 

Stevie G. in the House!

Looking like a big happy family, David, his daughter, and his fake daughter's son, are all smiles while babysitting. 

This really is an adorable picture, but I'm really crushing on Emily's top. It's her standard ivory/black casual revenge (!!!) wear, but the zipper detail takes it to the next level. More than your casual day clothes, Ms. Thorne. And that's because girl's on her way to the courthouse.

 

Breaking news: Stevie G is back in town to help Jack plead his case (literally). Remember how she's Conrad's ex and Jack's secret mother? No? Did you forget about that? Me too.

Forgettable character aside, I'm digging her green peplum blazer. Flattering and profesh. Jack looks pretty standard, but he did just spend the night in jail, so it could be worse. Ems shows her support by throwing a white blazer over that covetable blouse. The girl's all class, like a Sliding Doors-scenario Kate Middleton.

 

Though his lawyer/Mom got him out of jail, Jack was assigned to work with this hard-ass social worker. And I guess in his line of work, it's maybe warranted...but dude. Jack's a good guy. Relax.

Another power blazer from Stevie, but I think Jack's wearing the same shirt from earlier. You think he would at least shower post-jail, right?

 

You know social worker's all business because not even Nolan can charm him.

How could you be so judgy against this lovely man? He's wearing a pocket square, for Christ's sake! He's glorious!

 

Because Social Worker is, after all, human, he later returns to the club to ask Nolan out. I refuse to learn his name because I feel he will be gone soon. Poor Nols and his non-stop, extremely tragic lovelife.

But YES to adding that paisley pocket square! The man can do no wrong. Except in the aforementioned dating/marriage department.

 

The Virtual Red Sharpie

Newly revenge (!!!)-crazy Margs is looking fierce as ever at the courthouse in this white shift.

Snaps for matching her lipstick to the red stripe in her dress. Not so fab? Ripping a child away from his father. Must be those pregnancy hormones driving her crazy.

 

At the end of the day though, Margaux knows that revenging (!!!) isn't for her, and she calls off the whole thing so no one else gets hurt/dead.

A hint of a baby bump? Hmmm, maybe, but that dress helps to accentuate every curve in that little lady's body. I'm liking edgier Margs.

 

Ems, not so much. She finds Margaux's partner in crime, and manages to coax Jack's blood sample off from him. But not without some black hoodie ninja action!

I don't know how teeny-tiny Emily can always take down these big bad guys. She has no down-time to train!

 

On the plus side, she does have the team and the skillz to figure out that the judge working Jack's case has her greedy little hands in Margaux's very stylish pockets.

Emily manages to get her latest boy toy to wire into Lady Judge's carphone system to take her down. Well played, but I think we'd all agree she was an easy target. I mean, when Hot Cop can take you down, you know you're not a real threat.

 

A Frolic in the Road

Now into the juicy goodness of this episode with Margaux's real revenge (!!!) target, Emily Thorne. Woot!

I'm not sure I've ever seen a genuine smile on this show until now.

I'm scared.

 

Anyway, Victoria was prematurely celebrating the acceptance of plans for a new foundation in Daniel's name, but learns that someone on the committee voted it down. So why not show up at Emily's pad to accuse her of being the deciding vote?

Wide shot to show the contrast. Yes! Loving the royal blue on Queen V, and surrounded by all of the ivories and golds in Emily's place, she looks like an actual queen.

 

Too bad Vicky's mistaken, as Emily actually voted in favor of the building, and is staying true to her ceasefire with Victoria.

Way to kick her to the curb in some killer smart casual wear. And I am particularly living for those yellow pumps. Gots to have them.

 

Stymied at Emily's manse, Victoria heads over to Margaux's with a lovely baby gift... along with a little guilt.

Plot twist!! Margaux was the one vote that nixed the project, because she wanted to give her child a better start than "son of Daniel Grayson, phihlanderer, drunk, derp..."

 

Daniel's ex-wife, meanwhile, takes her heart-to-heart with Papa Clarke seriously as she decides to make peace with Margaux. Both Clarkes choosing the path of peace? What show is this?

Similarly, I'm on the fence about this look from Ems. On the one hand, I like the black skinnies and boots, and Lord knows I love me some ombre, but the top seems way too big, even for casual revenging. And because it can't be said enough: someone get that man an iron! Or at least a wrinkle-free fabric!

 

Regardless of poorly pressed trousers, Emily follows her Dad's advice and heads out to call a truce with Margaux. Her nemesis is straight out KILLING IT in this Madonna-inspired pantsuit. Those are words I never thought I'd type together.

But that gorge ensemble is most definitely ruined the second Margs gets hit by that cab. Holy crap, I knew it was coming, and I still jumped.

 

Vicky's all out of sorts, as you would imagine, when she learns that her grandbaby is gone due to this little accident, but that won't stop her from wearing the tightest dress imaginable.

Can you imagine her as a grandmother? Seriously. Also note to Louise: this is how you do grief properly on this show. Less slouchy sweats, more skintight lace insets.

 

Still looking pretty with scratches and bruises all over her face, Margaux lies through her teeth and tells Victoria that Emily pushed her into traffic after faking a ceasefire.

J'accuse! (!!!)

 

And Emily runs home to Daddy after realizing that the high road is filled with taxis poised to strike adorable French girls at random.

So, after a bit of a fakeout, Margaux is still on her revenge (!!!) kick. Silly me for thinking she'd be over it by now. But now that Victoria thinks Emily killed her grandson, V's back in the game too.

Bring on the mega-soapiness! REVENGE!!!

Revenge: Loss

This week on MARGAUX GOES GONE GIRL: After Lyman's body is discovered, Margaux panics she was partly to blame and decides to turn in her Red Sharpie (see, I knew her scheming was weak sauce). But her henchman won't let her quit her campaign, so operation Destroy Emily via Jack continues with new accomplice Dirty Judge. But David "Gandhi" Clarke convinces Emily to call a detente with Margaux, who pulls out the biggest gun in her arsenal — throwing herself in front of a cab to prompt a miscarriage and frame Emily! OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Meanwhile in another universe, sparks are flying between Nolan and the uptight social worker on Jack's case. Oooh, I sense another tragically misguided romance for our fav hacker/lonelyheart!

 

This Week's Targets
Margaux is quickly becoming TV's answer to Amazing Amy with her miscarriage-inducing/Emily-framing car incident. In comparison, Emily's takedown of the corrupt judge was junior varsity level.

Gala/Caper of the Week
OK, so Emily's long-distance badassery was pretty satisfying as she commandeers the judge's car communication system to get Jack's charges dropped. 

Best Dressed
Margaux's pink suit and lacy top were the perfect accessories to her OH NO SHE DIDN'T car accident. And so ends TV's least pregnant-seeming pregnancy (she didn't even get to wear empire waistlines, let alone a fake baby belly).

Most Soapy Moment:
OK, so the moment Margaux flung her arm up to hail a cab, you knew shit was going down. Nobody ever stands in moving traffic on a soap to NOT get hit.

 

Check back on Wednesday to see what Lauren thinks of this week's beachfront drama and fashion!

Revenge: Retaliation

Well, Margaux’s gone full evil now, plotting to destroy everyone and everything in the Hamptons. But she still has a ways to go before she can put one over on Ems, who foils her by teaming up with Ben to — you know what, who cares, this plot is boring. Meanwhile, Victoria and David form a temporary alliance to defeat Natalie, and because this is the soapiest soap to ever soap, Louise accidentally murders her brother by flinging him to his death off of a rain-soaked cliff while they scream at each other in their terrible Southern accents. Also, there is some REALLY BAD HAIR YOU GUYS. Prepare yourselves.

 

The Most Boringest Cut of All

For a show called Revenge (!!!!), this show has sure gone through some boring plots, huh? Move over Padma and Carrion and Declan because I think we've met THE MOST BORING PLOT OF ALL. Boring Ben the Boring Cop has a Boring Backstory with a Boring Ex-Wife. That's it. That's what we spend an hour of our lives watching. So, rather than recapping any more of that, let’s just admire Emily’s gorgeous chambray shirt. 

Emily Thorne exudes so much class that even in a shirt so sheer you can see her bra, she still looks every inch the respectable lady who lunches. Fashion magic.

 

When the time comes for her to toughen her outfit up for the plot which dares not speak its name, the lady knows the power of a good accessory or two. One leather jacket and some badass shades later, and she’s Emily Thorne: Revenge Ninja. 

 

The show is all “Will she be able to save Jack from his DUI?????” but I mean, look at this BAMF.

There is no question here.

 

Wonder Twins Powers Activate...?

Nolan continues to split his time between his two besties, and he’s splitting his wardrobe accordingly. As he plays backup for Emily on her mission of ennui, he matches her chambray with his own denim shirt.

It’s a little restrained for Nolan and not a particularly interesting look, but: awww, BFFs.

 

And at the Fire & Ice Party (a party, you guys! A THEME PARTY!!), he coordinates with the new Mrs. Ross in pink and red.

 

Let’s just repeat that: Nolan Ross can pull off pink and red. Pink and red paisley, even. And yet he does not look like a Valentine! It’s the subtle details that do it: the red of the shirt placket exactly matches his red jacket, and his white shirt is dominant enough to make pink an accent, rather than an overwhelming focus. Circle snaps for you, sir.

 

Nolan and Louise are having marital problems because, contrary to the wisdom to every other piece of popular culture I’ve ever seen, Nolan is having problems hooking up when he keeps his wedding ring on. But you’d never know it to look at their outfits. Check it: Louise’s delicate pink-and-white gown coordinates perfectly with Nolan’s pink-and-red paisley.

Pour one out for Jenny Humphrey, whose season two eyeliner Louise seems to have borrowed this week.

 

Not sure whose weave she ganked for this look. GIRL NO.

Now, nothing against the blue strapless. Girl loves this silhouette and has the bod to pull it off. But what is up with the porn star pigtails? There was a time and a place for Louise to break those out, and that time was when she was seducing Daniel. Now that she’s moved on to bigger and better plotlines, why is she downgrading her hair? Who did she piss off in the hair department???

 

But heck, I can’t stay mad at her. Not when she gave us the greatest moment of the episode and, possibly, season to date:

Who doesn’t love a good accidental-cliffside-murder? It’s a soap opera classic for a reason. And fashion bonus: it pays off the foreshadowing of her gown, with its bloodstain-like patterning.

 

So Long, Zoë Washburne Gina Torres  Natalie Grayson

The episode starts off with Natalie in full-on Queen Bee mode, planning her Fourth of July party and throwing shade at Victoria such as, “That’s caviar, dear.”

And with her in that purple sheath, who wouldn’t bow down?

 

Well, Victoria for one. But Victoria is frankly a little lot off her game this week. Yes, her color block dress is bodycon and yes, it's red and black and we've seen her in basically this exact outfit a zillion times before. Fine. But is her hair... frizzy?

I know that it’s July in Revenge-verse and that does tend to lead to frizz among most mortals. But we've seen this queen blown up in a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean, strapped down to a bed in a mental hospital, kidnapped and held hostage by terrorists, and still the entire time her hair remained immaculate. And you expect me to believe that a little July humidity and an inheritence struggle would create frizz? PLEASE.

 

And then she puts it in a low ponytail. Like some kind of commoner at a yoga class or something.

What even. Between the pigtails and this, I'm pretty sure the hair department is on strike or something.

 

OR they're just spending all their time making Miss Natalie look her best, because she's pretty drop dead as she seduces David in this oatmeal and leopard frock.

Gina Torres is possibly the only person on the planet who can make oatmeal look sexy, isn’t she? No wonder it doesn’t occur to David that she’s playing him.

 

But it all comes out at the party, where Natalie reveals that she was in love with Conrad (o... kay) and that she plans to ruin David in order to fulfill Conrad’s dreams (o... kay), and that she starved Conrad’s father into marrying her so that she could take Conrad’s money, just as Conrad always wanted (O... KAY).

Though I’m impressed with Natalie’s scheming, I can’t say I’m in love with her choice in formalwear. The illusion netting and plethora of sequins are a little too figure skater-y, and the shape does nothing for her flaw free  figure.

 

Luckily V is there to save us all, in more ways than one. First of all, she records Natalie’s confession to blackmail her out of town, thus saving David’s name. (I mean... that’s not really a save, tbh. I would much rather watch Natalie running around being nuts and condescending than watch David Clarke be low-affect and conflicted.) But secondly and more importantly, she gets her hair sitch under control. 

Without the frizz those romantic waves are softly flattering, and her frock shows us all how to wear sequins off the ice rink. Take notes, Natalie.

 

Margaux Will Destroy You, Yes, You

Margaux is so over the Hamptons, you guys. She will destroy everything, yes, goddmamit, everything. Why? Who even cares any more.

V: So I’m having some trouble with Natalie.

M: I’LL RUIN HER.

V: ... have you met her?

M: idk, probably not? I’LL RUIN HER.

V: But like do you even know who this woman is.

M: I’LL RUIN HER.

 

But hey, at least she’ll look stunning while she does it. Look at her, running her adorable amateur revenge schemes in her wine-colored silk sheath.

In an episode full of questionable hair choices, at least we can always count on Margaux’s hair to define chic.

 

Margaux throws on this Elsa of Arendelle number for her transformation to full on ice queen. Because this is what she's wearing as she frames Jack for drunk driving, thus separating him from the child he probably at least vaguely remembers exists most episodes, sure loves beyond all reason. Who would have thought someone so sweet looking could go after her almost-stepbaby so ruthlessly?

This is payback for that bracelet, bitch.

 

By the rules of Revenge (!!!), I’m pretty sure that Baby Carl and Margaux are now officially arch nemeses (they’ve double crossed each other! they’ve ruined each other’s lives, and now they must pay!), and I’m actually kind of excited to see how that goes next week. Is Carl going to break out a little child-size red Sharpie all his own? Will Emily tutor him in the ways of revenge as her revenge sensei taught her? Will we start to pretend that Ben never existed, much like Padma and other boring love interests before him? Here’s hoping.

Revenge: Retaliation

This week on ANOTHER PARTY, ANOTHER MURDER: Despite how last week ended, Hot Cop is still totally on #TeamEms, even spying on Margaux for her. He and she head out to take care of whatever Margaux thought she had on him, which leads to their first tag-team ninja fight, which is like second base on this show. Natalie shows her true colors at her 4th of July party where she tries to play David and then confesses to being Totally Evil. But then V caught the whole thing on tape, so it's adios, Miss Gina Torres. Meanwhile, Nolan and Louise suddenly have some tension in their marriage due to plot contrivance Nolan still wanting to hook up, and Louise being so easily played by her Evil Brother. Ultimately, this leads to Louise accidentally throwing Lyman off a cliff, then lying to Nolan about it. And THEN! Since Margaux couldn't get to Ems via Hot Cop, she turns her sights on Jack, who she busts for a DUI. Either she secretly got him drunk or she faked the test results somehow. Either way, it's bad news for our Bartender-turned-Cop-turned-Bartender.

 

This Week's Targets
This week was all about Emily vs Margaux and Queen V versus Natalie. And basically every other person on this show as caught in one or the other crossfire. 

Gala/Caper of the Week
Natalie proves herself a capable Hamptons hostess as her party brought glitz, glamor, betrayal and murder. Not bad for her first time.

Best Dressed
Finally we had a real contest. While I'm living for Louise's new emo eyeliner look, I've got to hand the win to Queen V's new curly 'do and sparkley red party dress. She looked more relaxed and happy than we've seen her in ages. That's what a good party will do for you! 

Most Soapy Moment:
Um, does it get any soapier than accidentally pushing your brother to death over a cliff? People on soaps should stick to living on the prairie, or at least avoid fights on cliff-adjacent homes.

 

We drew straws to see which lucky person gets to recap this episode and its ACTUAL FASHIONS, and Constance came up a winner. Come back on Wednesday for her take on this week's sequinned fabulosity!

Revenge: Bait

So, we're back from hiatus and I literally have no memory of what happened last time. But that's OK, because the show doesn't either! So, it turns out that Gina Torres is the Anna Nicole Smith-style widow of Victoria's ex-father-in-law, and now V is determined to disinherit her so V can get all his money. And then of course Gina hits it off with David Clarke, because what golddigger doesn't fall for the first scrappy-faced fisherman you see in a Members Only jacket? Anyway, #TeamEmily gets two new official members this week: Nolan's new wifey Boobs McGee, and Spawn of Fauxmanda, Baby Carl. Did anyone think Margaux was seriously going to expose Jack and Emily as Faux-FBI Lady Killers? Of course not. As Emily charmingly scolded, Margaux's good... but not good enough. 

 

The Real Housewife of Montauk

Sham marriage to her BFF agrees with Louise, no? She's got about a hundred new floaty dresses, bounce in her hair, and a bounce to her boobs step. But who can blame her? She's married to NOLAN, you guys!

Well, that, and no longer taking the malaria pills that made her hallucinate and be psychotic. Which is a good thing, because I'm pretty sure people on antipsychotics shouldn't stare too long at that dress. Nolan's dapper as ever in the official creamy white pullover of #TeamEmily.

 

Unlike some other female characters on this show, Lulu gets bonus points for a total of FOUR outfit changes throughout the hour, including this retro one-piece:

I never knew a redhead could pull off mustard yellow swimwear, but here we are, and now we know. I know you guys have mixed feelings on Ms. Terrible Southern Accent here, but I've been won over since basically day one. Now that Nolan appreciates her, surely the viewing audience can't be hard behind??

 

Meanwhile, the new gal in town clearly found her way to The Only Dress Store in Montauk as Natalie Grayson (Queen V's ex-stepmother, I think?) sports this bandage number for the whole episode:

Like, it's a lovely ombre dress and her body is clearly showing no sign of quitting, but remember when everyone on this show used to get like five dress changes per week? Are they spending all their budget money on other things? You get Special Guest Star Gina Torres, you need to give her more than one look. I mean, come on.

 

The Triumphant Return of Emily Thorne, Ninja Warrior

So, everyone's fav ninja starts the episode making heart eyes at her new piece, Hot Cop:

And Hot Cop does us all a solid with some gratuitous male shirtlessness:

Thank you sir, for all your service to your country.

 

And so OK, these two have all the fiery hot passion of a tuna noodle casserole, but at least it brings us amazatrons scenes like this meet-cute at the local... rope-climb-pull-up-bar playground?

He's like, "What are you training for?" And she's like, "I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you," and he's like, "Ha ha," but joke's on him because SHE ACTUALLY WOULD KILL HIM. In fact, by the end of the season, chances are she actually will.

 

But it turns out this wasn't just a random workout, girl was preparing for what Nolan dubbed Mission Em-possible a.k.a. flinging herself off the roof and then rappelling down the side of Margaux's building.

Personally, I'd have gone with codename Spider-Em, but that's just me.

 

If You Only Have One Outfit, At Least It's This One

So this week, Margaux's looking to 1980s Grace Jones for sartorial inspo, which brings us this floodpants-meets-shoulderpads business casual elegance. If you read the mini-recap, it's no surprise that I'm LIVING FOR THIS OUTFIT.

Let's start with a wide shot so you can see the actual volume of these pants.

Like, I know she's pregz and all but like... is she carrying the baby in her thigh region?

 

Reason #1,000 Margaux will never be a scary villain: girl's so cuuuute. Awww look at her little mad face. Such an angry little French pixie.

PLUS she's got possibly a series-best 'do going on with the asymetrical waves. I wasn't on board with her bob at the beginning of this season, but she makes growing out awkward layers look amazing. How is that possible?? (Answer: French genetics.)

Oh and in case you didn't notice, her jacket is tuxedo cut at the back:

Don't get too excited about Queen V here. She doesn't have much to do this week other than wear LBDs and narrow her eyes at Gina Torres. AND YET Victoria got at least two different outfits this week, while Margaux spent the entire episode in ONE OUTFIT.

First Gina Torres and now Karine Vanasse? What have these ladies done to offend the wardrobe department? I mean OK it's a killer outfit but NOT FOR A WHOLE EPISODE. This is a woman who needs to reassess her priorities. When evil scheming gets in the way of wardrobe changes, you need to LOOK AT YOUR LIFE.

Seroiusly, JACK PORTER changed outfits this week and you didn't have time to swap out for a different blazer? It's like I don't even know you anymore. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are getting to her.

 

Carl, Jr: Spy Baby

But I think we can all agree that the best part of this week's episode was the Ocean's 11 style slow reveal of #TeamEmily's fantastic scheme. And the fact that it all hinged on this guy:

Yes, Baby Carl played maybe the most important role in the entire con. And of course he had it in him. I mean, this is the spawn of Fauxmanda.

His job was basically to be adorbable and remind Margaux of how she was nearly his stepmother at one point, I think?

HOW CUTE IS THIS KID SERIOUSLY.

Of course, once she was caught in his spell of chubster babyness, he smoothly gives her the bracelet that will ultimately delete everything off her computer. You like, like all little boy toddlers often do.

Hahaha, he doesn't even look back to see if she took it. That's how confident he is in his spy skills.

And let's not think too hard about why Carl Jr. likes to suddenly gift beaded bracelets to everyone. Is he making them himself? Are they toy bracelets he likes to play with? But Margaux doesn't question the gift, and neither will I.

 

Ever wonder what it looks like to realize you've been conned by a toddler?

Yeah, you're really not cutting it so far in the villainy department, Margaux. I mean, you're really no The Initiative  White Haired Man  The Falcon  Malcolm Black. But she still looks damn good, one outfit or not, so I'm tentatively along for the crazy ride that is Emily vs. Margs: Battle of the Blondes.

Revenge: Bait

This week on DOWNTON'S OVER SO WE HAVE TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE ON SUNDAYS: There was a lot of place setting this week, as we line up the chess pieces for the final half of the season. So we've got Still Evil Margaux all set to out Emily and Jack for the murder of the Faux-FBI lady. But everyone knows she's no match for #TeamEmily, which now includes Cray Louise and Baby Carl, who may be their best operative. And since Queen V's done with the Clarke fam, she's focused her bandage-dress-clad-sights on destroying Special Guest Star Gina Torres. But oh noes! Gina sells David Clarke a boat, which on this show is like first base, so I'm sure that won't get complicated at all. And Jack, a.k.a. the human personification of the heart eyes emoji, doesn't care Emily's DTF with Hot Cop: he wants his childhood GF back! But it's not sweeps week, so of course she turns him down. Oh, and Louise's Hot Brother's still in town and did we know he's a lawyer? Because he is, and now he's Queen V's lawyer and the first recruit in her team to take down Gina Torres.

 

This Week's Targets
Margaux's determined to destroy Emily, nevermind that her ex-BF and Baby Carl will be caught in the crossfire. So Emily and Nolan's Super Team is focused mostly on damage control, rather than destroying anybody. 

Gala/Caper of the Week
This was pretty epic. So Jack pretended to bond with Margaux about being a single parent, but really he was just there as a distraction as BABY CARL passes over the bracelet that ultimately deleted Margaux's computer. SPY BABY FOR THE WIN. Oh, and new #TeamEmily recuit Louise helps out too, donning the team's trademark black ninja gear to act as a distraction for the scheming. Well played all around.

Best Dressed
Was there any fashion on this show besides Margaux's 80s New Wave Eurovillain hot pink? Because that look more than made up for everyone else's low key fashionz. Queen V kept it tight with straight locks and a sporty LBD, but Emily continues to mope around in beige and khakis.

Most Soapy Moment:
OF COURSE Hot Cop has a secret, missing ex-wife. And OF COURSE Margaux knows about it. So just as Emily's choosing Hot Cop over Jack, HC's there likely signing on to be a double-agent and betray her. No relationship on this show has good timing, do they?

 

Come back on Wednesday to see what fashion Ann can find to discuss besides Margaux's outfit, or possibly, just a whole recap dissecting this amazatrons 5000 look.

Revenge: Kindred

This week on Margaux’s the Only One Who Even Cares About the Plot Anymore, I Guess: Emily throws Nolan and Louise a wedding reception, and together she and Nolan save Louise from her mother’s evil clutches. David asks Emily to re-become Amanda Clarke, but she decides that Emily Thorne has a better pool of love interests so she stays Emily and hooks up with Boring Cop, much to Jack’s disappointment. (But not ours. Get you some, girl.) Victoria works to restore Daniel’s good name/regain her former social standing, but she has to fight an awesome new frenemy to do it. And finally, Margaux continues to work for reveeeeenge (!!!) against Emily. When Margaux is the only one with a revenge-y plotline, you know things have gotten dire.

 

Emily Thorne: Licensed Knife Therapist

Emily and Nolan are planning the wedding reception in their standard uniforms.

Nolan’s in a perfectly-tailored loud suit, Emily’s in tasteful blue with a nice dangly pendant. It’s all very business-as-usual for our favorite Revenger and her bestie.

 

Thank the fashion gods Louise has arrived to shake the place up with her bombshell necklines.

The green and black panels on this halter make her look even more hourglass-y than usual, even as she worries that she secretly murdered her father and repressed the memory. But hey, this is Revenge. Who hasn’t accidentally attacked a family member or two on this show?

 

Luckily, Louise has Emily to explain that if you let a crazy person try to drown you/throw knives at you, you can totally recover repressed memories. It’s true: Emily learned it at Revenge Academy. So she throws a giant knife at Louise’s hand repeatedly and screams “WHAT DO YOU SEE????” until Louise remembers watching her father fall down the stairs and is like, “Oh god, I killed him.”

If Em didn't look so fab in this gold-embellished blouse, Louise may not have been quite so ready to submit to her unconventional therapy. Note how the metallic thread picks up her always-flawless hair beautifully. Golf claps for Ms. Thorne.

 

This outfit is also perf to wear when facing off with newly-evil Margaux in a Battle of the Sparkles. Gotta say Margaux wins this round. Check the beading on that draped neckline! Revenge looks fantastic on her. 

Unfortunately she’s still new at the revenge game and hasn’t come up with anything better than having a tabloid suggest that Emily and David Clarke are dating (ew).

 

Emily doesn’t waste much time worrying over Margaux’s ham-fisted revenge (!!!) attempts this week. Instead, she’s worrying about whether or not to go back to being Amanda Clarke like her father wants. On behalf of Revenge recappers across the internet, I beg her not to: this show is hard enough to recap as it is.

And besides, would Amanda Clarke ever wear such a jacket and top? If Fauxmanda is anything to go by, the Amanda Clarke wardrobe runs more towards booty shorts and tank tops. Ben the Boring Cop is totally in favor of Emily staying her fabulous self, too.

 

Queen V Meets Her Match

Meanwhile, Victoria is trying to save Daniel’s memory from being forever associated with wife-beating by starting a foundation in his name, but to do so she has to corral all of her old friends into giving her money.

On the bright side, all this death is really giving Victoria the chance to put her voluminous LBD collection to work. She looks every inch the grieving mother in her black widow ensemble.

 

Little does she know that there’s a new queen bee in town. And not just any queen bee, but Gina Torres. As in Zoe from Firefly, Jasmine from Angel, Bella from Hannibal, Mrs. Laurence Fishburne, and all around awesome lady.

Her Revenge character is named Natalie, and she is pure class in this crocheted blue sheath.

 

So since Victoria has lost all of her money and the Graysons have been involved in a zillion illegal scandals in the past two months alone, plus Victoria is just generally an unpleasant person, none of her old friends show up to her fundraiser. And she broke out a color just for the occasion!

 

The only person who does show up is Natalie and her finest rich lady shade, snarking that V's modern art collection is gauche.

Her fuchsia frock is just a little too fussy to work—all of those complicated folds swallow her up. Gina Torres is so powerfully beautiful that she looks best in clean, simple lines. This dress is wearing her instead of the other way around.

 

Praise Hands, There’s Finally a Party

It’s been so long since these people had a chance to break out their formal wear! And they do not disappoint. True, Victoria continues her grieving mother schtick in basic black, but the sweetheart neckline adds interest and her hair is gorgeous. Besides, she’s accessorizing with power. 

She reminds all of the Ladies Who Lunch that she still knows all of their secrets and blackmails them into donating to her foundation. She may no longer be hatching murderous schemes against Emily, but she won't rest until she's reclaimed her role as Hamps Queen.

 

Even Natalie is impressed with the power play. And she makes up for her previous disappointment in this softly flattering embellished green-and-white gown. 

That’s more like it.

 

Also making bold power plays at this wedding? Louise’s Mama Penelope, who wears white to her own daughter’s wedding reception.

You’d think that her southern breeding would rise up in her and prevent her from such a massive breech of etiquette, but nope: the woman has nerves of steel. (And darling daisies on her dress!)

 

Another Classic Clarke Caper

Mama Penelope's machinations cause Louise, who thinks she's a murderer, to run off and commit herself to a mental institution, as one does. Emily's not going to let her BFF's wifey skip town like that, so she breaks out one of her ill-fitting pantsuits for a rescue mission.

I like to think that Emily has an entire closet full of subtly unflattering outfits she keeps specifically for her undercover revenge missions. Who would ever link this poorly-dressed medical inspector to Emily Thorne of the Immaculate Tailoring?

 

The After Party

Of course it turns out that Louise didn’t kill her father—her mother did, and then blamed it on Louise. Nolan has the police report to prove it, so they banish Penelope from the Hamptons and the Happy Couple is triumphant at last.

Louise is perfectly lovely in her classic wedding cake of a gown, but let’s be real: this look is all about Nolan in his white tux with the filigree skull pattern. It may be untraditional for the groom to outshine the bride, but really we should expect nothing less from Nolan Ross.

 

And Emily has had so much fun on her revenge caper to save Louise that she decides to stay Emily Thorne.

And just as well, because this royal-blue frock is perfection on her. She’s wearing her hair a little darker than she used to this season, and the royal blue brings out the richness perfectly. Amanda Clarke could never.

 

 

 

To celebrate her decision, she heads off to seduce Boring Officer Ben.

No complaints here. The boy may be boring, but he’s awfully cute in his uniform. Get it, Emily.

 

Of course, Jack is right there to witness this. Because: soap opera.

Cheer up, Jack. You have more important things to worry about. Like how you just decided to go back to the bartending business but your bar has been burnt to the ground.

 

Or how Margaux has a tape of you talking about how you killed an FBI agent and then covered up her murder.

Margaux is reluctant to use this information because of that time she and Jack were in love for a hot second, but hey: this show isn’t called People Making Reasonable and Respectful Decisions. Besides, that outfit is perfect for some good old-fashioned reveeeeenge (!!!!). The black lace tiers on this Alice + Olivia dress just scream “scorched earth.”

 

Here's hoping Margaux fully embreaces the revenge ninja lifestyle, breaking out a Red Sharpie and skulking around in black hoodies all the time — provided, of course, that she also continues to attend galas in formalwear on a regular basis. Hey, someone has to pick up Emily’s slack while she’s off deciding between the two most boring police officers on TV (well, one current and one former police officer). And who else is glam enough to be up to the challenge?

Revenge: Kindred

This week on AT LAST SOMEONE THREW A PARTY: Emily hosts the first party in Ex-Grayson Manor since the whole Daniel-got-shot incident, and tastefully, nobody mentions that at the party itself. Of course there's a traditional wrinkle in the party plans, as it's Nolan and Louise's wedding reception and Louise is a no-show. This is because after Emily hypnotized her with her flying knives game, Louise had a vague flashback that (in combo with forged police reports from her Mama) made her believe she had really killed her Dad. In other parts of town, Jack quit being a cop and is back to bartending, Queen V's found a new rival, and it turns out that Kim Richards from the Real Housewives summers in Montauk. Oh and Margaux's already serving up weak sauce in the revenge (!!!) department, as anyone could have predicted. She's just too soft-hearted to destroy anyone's lives. Yet.

 

This Week's Targets
Now that Louise is Emily's BFF-in-law, Emily focuses in on destroying Lou's no-good Southern fam. Meanwhile Margaux slightly targets Emily, while Victoria's 50% saintly and 50% blackmailing her minions.

Gala/Caper of the Week
This week had both!! Emily threw a traditional Hamptons soiree, complete with a sadly off-screen ice sculpture garden; and then she pulled a Classic Clarke Caper by impersonating a health inspector to easily sneak Louise out of the psychiatric centre.

Best Dressed
There was a gala, you guys, which means gorgeous outfits on every side. Louise was a bridal stunner (with her crazy cinched waist) in white, Margaux brought her usual European flair, Nolan mixed patterns like a pro and V squeezed herself into the usz. But none of them stood a chance against Emily in her Betty Draper-style hostess gown. 

Most Soapy Moment:
Are you kidding me? How can this go to anything but NoLouise showing up to Em's house and the knife on the table, leading up to Emily's Takeda-inspired memory exercise that led directly to Louise getting just enough of a memory to think she's guilty, but not enough that the audience it at all convinced. Honorable mention to Jack showing up in time to see Emily hook up with Hot Cop, because nobody ever hooks up with anyone without being caught on this show, ever.

 

Come back on Wednesday to see what Constance thinks of this show's return to PARTIES and SCHEMING as well as the return of Queen V's ex-throne!