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Wednesday
Oct292014

Revenge: Repercussions

This week David Clarke proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is indeed Emily’s father when he puts together almost immediately that there’s something fishy about the whole Amanda Clarke story and at once swears REVEEEEEEENGE (!!!) against those who wronged her. I’d congratulate him, but he totally thinks Nolan is the one he should be going after and we don’t stand for anti-Nolan sentiment around these parts. In any case, seems the revenge apple doesn’t fall far from the unnecessarily elaborate plan tree. Meanwhile, Emily schemes to get close to her father, Victoria schemes to keep them apart, Louise continues to Single White Female Victoria via Daniel, Margaux continues to be fabulous, and Charlotte continues to be the worst.

 

Victoria's Secret

While David’s return has really thrown both our leading ladies off their sartorial game, but Queen V is slowly but surely recovering.

Sure, her color palette this week is a little restrained—no jewel tones or bandage dresses here—but this black-and-white cocktail dress is quietly elegant, and the origami folds at the collar are lovely. You’d never think this was the same woman who wore a Canadian tuxedo mere weeks ago.

 

She keeps it subdued in green lace through the end of the episode.

My theory is that she’s toning down her wardrobe in order to lull David Clarke into a false sense of security. How can a woman who doesn’t change into multiple silk dresses every day before brunch be lying when she tells you that your daughter is definitely, absolutely, totally dead, and the girl who looks just like her is definitely a raging maniac who should be killed?

 

Speaking of our favorite raging maniac:

Emily Thorne. That is a T-shirt. That is not even at the level of “casual top for running errands in on a weekend,” that is straight up gym wear. And you’re wearing it outside the gym. What has happened to our girl? Victoria’s Clarke-blocking must really be getting to her.

 

She tries to up her game when she pleads with Charlotte to let her in to see her father:

But obviously she’ll never get anywhere in these ill-fitting trousers and blah blue button-up—and she’ll definitely never get anywhere by going for Charlotte to help. Haven’t we all learned by now that Charlotte has no soul?

 

Charlotte is The Worst: Part Infinity x Infinity

Charlotte continues her apparent quest to be Victoria’s mini-me in this black-and-white cocktail dress.

It’s a perfectly nice dress and it looks fine on her, but she’s not coming anywhere near Victoria’s level of calculated innocence and menace. The thing about Charlotte is that no matter how crazy her plotlines get, at the end of the day she’s a pretty girl in pretty dresses with all of the screen presence of a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal.

Like when she introduces David to Jack and baby Karl, and Jack is all betrayed that he has to lie to David’s face and let him believe he’s a grandfather? If Victoria did that we’d all be falling over ourselves with how deliciously evil she is, but when Charlotte does it, it’s just like, “Meh. Wake me up when Charlotte’s not being the worst.”

And she’s trying so hard to reach Victoria levels! Look at her swanning around in her pink silk kimono, swilling brandy from highballs and hauling off to slap men in the face.

Classic soap diva move, and theoretically delightful. In practice? So, so boring.

 

And so at the end she goes off in yet another pretty sparkly dress with some dude who’s probably a murderer.

And does anyone in the world care?

 

European Chic of the Week

Luckily for all of us, Margaux is around to shake things up. All she really does this week is sell David Emily’s beach house and buy the exclusive rights to David’s story, but look how fabulous she looks while she does it!

Loving her white shawl collar here. Daniel’s two girlfriends were in a bit of a cleavage-off this week. We’ll talk about Louise later, but I think Margeaux wins just for her ability to show that much cleavage in business casual and still look classy.

 

And get her hair! I think this is the best styling she’s done with her new cut.

Loving the dark lip with the chartreuse dress. If she can pull off even chartreuse, Margaux is clearly magical.

 

OK, nobody's magical enough to pull off a nude lip with platinum hair.

That would just be crazypants. But hey, at least her closet full of geometric-printed dresses never disappoints.

 

Margaux even inspires Emily to pull herself out of her style rut. When she talks Margaux into giving David Emily’s beach house on her behalf, Emily dons this sweet little sky-blue frock.

Is it her best look ever? No. It’s too big on her and it’s doing strange things to her torso. But the color is great for her and anything’s better than those sad white pants she was wearing earlier.

 

Cleavage With A Side of Crazy

While Emily's trying to condition her dad to accept her via convoluted real estate transactions, Louise is continuing her scheme to get to Victoria through Daniel. She’s figured out the two keys to manipulating him, which would be more impressive on her part if he weren’t so dumb. As Emily learned many moons ago, Daniel will do just about anything you tell him if you prey on his Oedipal complex and display lots of cleavage.  

 

I mean. How

are

they

not

falling out?

 

Daniel finally works up the strength to reject her in favor of Margaux’s classier cleavage displays, inspiring a classic soap opera elevator meltdown on Louise’s part. After she finishes pummeling her own reflection, she heads straight for Page Six. Can you imagine if she told them the truth about Daniel? “He used to write terrible poetry, he crippled his ex-girlfriend and shot his ex-wife, and he’s madly in love with his mother!”

 

Your Weekly Nolan

Let's close things off with this final shot of Nolan, unusually understated but impeccably coordinated as always. 

This may be the happiest we see him for a while. David Clarke seems to think that Nolan never gave Amanda Clarke the money David left for her, and if he’s anything like his daughter, the revenge he exacts on Nolan will be baroque, impossible to follow, and endlessly painful. Nolan has always been our favorite here at YKYLF — but honestly the show could use the change of pace his torture would bring.

We say bring on the dramz. And if you could include a few more ninja-chic ensembles for Emily while you're at it, that'd be great. xoxo

Monday
Oct272014

Revenge: Repercussions

This week on DAVID CLARKE'S BACK IN TOWN: David's return from the dead continues to revitalize basically every character on this show. Emily's got very convoluted plans to meet him instead of just, you know, going to reveal her own return from the dead. Jack and Nolan support her with this weird choice, while Drunk Charlotte toys with everyone's emotions by forcing a David/Jack/Carl reunion. Daniel slimes his way from Crazy Southern Redhead back to Margaux, and this is obviously not going to end well. The hour ends with Beardy Clarke back in the beach house, brooding over the railing in crisp separates just like his daughter. You know he's Emily's Dad because it took him like two seconds to figure out that something's not quite right with the whole FauxManda scenario, when everyone else took three years to figure out that no-brainer.

 

 

Emily/Victoria/Everyone's Target
Emily's focused on scheming her way back into her father's arms. Victoria's scheming to keep her claws in David. Charlotte's scheming to get another box of wine. Crazy Southern Redhead is punching elevators and scheming... something. Lots of scheming this week, basically.

Gala of the Week
Again no parties!! If this keeps up, we'll have to remove this heading from our mini-recaps which is TRAGIC because they used to throw down at least one gala per week. Get it together, show.

Best Dressed
Yet another week of barely any outfit changes, which yet again hands this prize to Margaux by default. How many geometric print shift dresses does she have, seriously? And how is each one more fab than the last? Plus, 10 points for how cute her bob looked this week.

Most Soapy Moment:
While Emily and Victoria's faceoff was another classic moment, the show reached its over-the-top peak with Redhead's elevator breakdown. Pretty sure she's ready to go Gone Girl on Daniel by next week. Begging the question: who is she and what's the point of this plotline??

 

Come back Wednesday for Constance's take on this week's manipulations and linen separates.

Wednesday
Oct222014

Revenge: Meteor

Occasionally, a television show comes along that you become totally invested in and can tolerate a few episodes (or an entire season) of roundabout storytelling because you know the payoff is just around the corner. After years of withering under her own revengeful righteousness, Emily found out that David “Beardy Dad” Clarke is alive and mostly well. This should have been a serious moment for the audience but to be honest, I wasn’t feeling it. In fact, I’m more interested in the Louise storyline right now; though I have weakness for sassy gingers, especially if they have a Southern accent. After the BNE mix-up, David didn’t shank Ems, she picked Pops out of a police lineup, and Victoria sunk her claws into him further than his pain chain. We know when the characters wear flats that shit’s gonna go down, and we also know that when they don’t change during an episode the plot is going to move ahead at lightspeed.

 

Let’s pop over to the magazine for a minute while I gush (as usual) over Margaux’s dress. I’m really into her colour blocking with white. Who says you can’t wear white after Labour Day?  

Although, I have no damn idea what time of year it is for these kids. Sure, there’s sun and some pool scenes, but even when it’s winter they’re sauntering around in cardigans. Hey, I used to live on the east coast, winters ain’t that mild children. Oh, shout out to the skirt the receptionist is wearing. It’s cute from far, though might be far from cute.

OK, Victoria was decked out in a white Michael Kors sheath so it’s definitely spring or summer at this point. I mean, Margaux’s European so wearing white any time of the year is fine. But Victoria, former Monarch of Montauk, would never deign to wear white after the first weekend of September. 

I find it refreshing she’s using silver as the accent rather than gold. I mean, gold and white is classic and sexy, but was so overdone this past year. Enough of looking like a Grecian lady of leisure. Slum it with some other precious metals!

 

I may have been a little harsh on Charlotte in my last recap. Sometimes caftans are just unforgivable. This week, I’m almost inclined to give her a finger wave and deep “yes you did” for this ensemble. I love the colours. I love the BCBG maxi skirt – even if it looks like a lampshade from 1992. I love the pop of colour on the belt as it pulls the colour from the Clover Canyon top. The hair is always flawless so y’know, she’s good. 

It’s kind of like what you’d wear to a nice brunch after spending a weekend at Coachella but don’t want to let on to your parents you blasted your credit card at “that hippie parade” again. 

 

On the other hand of the Grayson sibling contingent… ladies and gentlemen, I give you white privilege! Daniel. Daniel, honey. Who the hell wears a damn suit to a rooftop pool? 

On top of that, who chooses a rooftop pool as the ideal place to pore over financial statements and create an investment portfolio? I mean, I know you need the dollars, but wasn’t there an office, or tasteful pub, or public library with those little green banker lamps you could have chosen instead? Live your life, Warren.

 

Alright, so Daniel’s on the rooftop because Louise beckoned, but I’m sticking to what I said. Oh, this is the third sighting of white and it’s a bikini so it's clearly summer in New York City. Louise, you’re a gorgeous woman and pulling off a white swimsuit this effortlessly is hat tip worthy. I might even be convinced to let a “give it to ‘em!” slip.

 

Oh, pink looks really great on her, too. Though I’m not sure about the fabric texture. It reminds me of those country style pillows you’d find at your aunt’s house on her sofa in the room you weren’t supposed to be inside. Still, great colour for a redhead!

 

Alright, back to the real point of the episode: Emily finding her dirtbag dad. For a woman as chic as Emily, her choice in accessories always baffles me. Some days it’s a lovely thin chain and tasteful pendant, other days it’s .42 with a full clip.  

I’m into the jacket. It reads total New England staple piece with all those pockets and the “is it spring? is it fall?” olive green colour. I bet you could stash many a knife in that jacket.

 

While she’s arming herself against a potential assassin, said assassin, that is to say Emily’s dirtbag dad, snaps what’s left of his psyche after reading Victoria’s unsettling note. Seriously Victoria, who actually uses the phrase “my love” unless you’re making fun of a Jane Austen movie/novel? I can’t say I was totally on board with the self-torture using the pain-chain, realizing that David did it so he’d have some ammunition against Connie’s ghost was a stroke of mad genius. 

Personally, I’d ditch the family and start fresh in Thailand under the name Ethan Greenberg, but I guess I react differently under pressure.

 

Since dirtbag Dad gets snapped up by the cops, Emily has to do the whole witness lineup business. This is where she first lays eyes on not-so-dead David Clarke. Understandably, she loses her shit but keeps it together because that’s what we do in the revenge business. 

Nolan was there to help Emily and her coat buttons out of the station. The man knows how to work a colour palette within an inch of its life. I refuse to acknowledge the red belt because this isn’t 2001 and we’re not listening to Avril Lavigne, but that pocket square that looks like it could be a Union Jack is a delight. 

 

Also delightful? Officer Jack! Always a pleasure to see you and your unbearably handsome face. I’m putting this on the record: short and stocky is my weakness and as you can see, though he may be more fit than stocky, Jack is adorably short. I mean, he’s on the higher part of a slope and Nolan is kneeling down, and Nolan is half his height.

You have the right to remain silent as I write my number down.

 

In the interrogation room, David gives his best performance as a broken torture victim, placing Connie squarely in the middle of everything. The shock he fakes is actually impressive and the man deserves an Golden Globe nod. I totally see where Emily gets it. However, all of this plays right into Victoria’s hands because David doesn’t know Emily is Amanda and OH LOOK WE SEEM TO BE BACK WHERE WE STARTED. Emily and Victoria are going to be a real life Spy vs. Spy, each dressed in a signature colour, trying to murder each other for decades. But after all that storyline, this is the money shot:

Look at Victoria’s side-eye to the world. She is letting them have it and I’m living for it.

 

Two things after this episode:

  1. I’m starting a pool as to when Emily just drops a safe on Victoria. I call episode 18.
  2. Emily and Nolan’s stressed out/angry faces remind me of some familiar characters:

Monday
Oct202014

Revenge: Meteor

This week on MONTAUK NINE-NINE: Soooo I'm pretty sure that "in a line-up of suspects in my home break-in and attempted murder" was not in the top 10 places Emily wanted to see her Not Dead Dad for the first time in 20 years, but you take what you get. David pulls a classic Clarke move, faking his own torture and then accidentally-on-purpose getting himself arrested. This leads to the aforementioned line-up, which leads to a lot of fake-shock from Queen V at her "dead" "lover's" "return". Emily, Nolan, and Jack (a.k.a. the only people on this show who actually love David) are kept at arms length, which leads David to take V's side yet again. But does David know who Emily is? You never know what's going on behind those shifty eyes. Here's hoping Beardy Clarke's playing a long con that winds up with a Double Infinity reunion special. 


Emily/Victoria/David(?)'s Target
Emily and Victoria are still in their blood feud, with the self-flagellating David Clarke caught in the crossfire. Or is he out to get someone too? What you up to, Beardy?

Gala of the Week
The biggest show in town was at the police station this week, as David throws down an Emily-calibre performance leaving chaos, tears, confusion, and one hell of an episode in his wake.

Best Dressed
This week was True Blood styles with everyone sporting the same looks all hour. Within those parameters, the only option is Margaux's latest European shift -- this time a chic red and white color block motif.

Most Soapy Moment:
Would anyone argue that the whole "seeing your presumed dead father whose death you've been avenging for four years for the first time in a police line-up of your possible attempted murderers" doesn't deserve to take this trophy home?

 

Come back Wednesday to see what Anthony makes of this week's twists and turns.

Wednesday
Oct152014

Revenge: Ashes

This week, we thank Plot Contrivance that Jack hangs onto actual pictures instead of saving to the cloud like the rest of humanity. Because that luddide streak meant he just had to run into his BURNING BAR and discover the unconcious Emily on the floor. Meanwhile, the Clarke/Grayson fam are ruining everything in sight with their joint terribleness. V's plan seems to be to convince David that his oldest daughter is The Worst so they can be a happy family without Emily/Amanda. But let's face it, Charlotte is the worst Clarke daughter. Daniel is poor, which means he's forced to look for a job before he has to downgrade to a four star hotel room. Victoria's mental bestie was wrongfully committed. Or escaped. Or something we'll have to endure for five episodes. And Emily is sure that Victoria has some kind of ace up her denim sleeve, if only she could just figure it out. Yes, Ems...if only you had an endless bank account, a computer whiz, and the art of revengery at your disposal to figure it all out before it stabs you in your sleep. If only. 

 

You guys, I'm still reeling from this. Are we even watching Revenge? I'm not sure, because this is a picture of the woman who plays Victoria, but the fact that she's in double denim in a pine kitchen that features a toaster and a dishwasher (neither of which are humans who wash dishes and toast bread for you) makes me question everything. EVERYTHING.

Whither thou go, body con dresses? Where you at jewel tones and expensive shoes? At least she manages to stop in for a blow out and keep her hair fantastic, because: standards.

 

It's like alternate universe Victoria, someone who tolerates rustic interior design and wears white tanks and is a doting mother.

I can only hope this alterna-Victoria doesn't last long. I mean, it can't. Bitch has plans and plans need money and a fantastic house. I'm pretty sure that the lure of proper style will outweigh her feelings of TRUE LOVE sooner rather than later, bringing back formal day wear and the evening gowns in their wake.

 

That said, her time spent as a "real person" lasted long enough to give us a glimpse into what it would look like if Victoria and Emily teamed up for their own Thelma and Louise road trip.

Dear show: please make this a thing. I will never mock Revenge (!!!) again if you do.

 

But let's back it up and start from the beginning. Look out Katniss, there's a new Girl On Fire! 

Yes, that's the Stowaway burning to the ground. The set and the plot we all stopped caring about after they killed those dudes who were sneaking around threatening Jack for money because of blah blah worst plot ever.

Fortunately for all of us, Peeta Jack was fast tracked to the police force and has decided to focus on work/life balance instead of bartending. This will give him more time to Skype with his baby (he still has a baby, right?) and free us from talk of his financial woes. About three seasons too late, but thanks for the effort, show!

 

Besides, every home on this show is fully equipped with a well stocked bar, so The Stowaway was always pretty useless. I mean, Margaux has expensive scotch in crystal glasses at the ready - why would she need her ex-boyfriend's crappy bar?

God that hair is amazing. 

 

Fortunately for all of us, Emily's core is made of revenge (!!!), so she just bounces right back from a fire and looks amazing. Not a singed hair on her head. Revenge (!!!) really is the best conditioning treatment.

In other snooze: that color's amazing on her (she's always worn blue well) but no me gusta the cut of this Vince top. Like, it's fine for going to the smouldering ruins of a bar, but it's not Emily at her best. 

Apparently nearly burning to death can put a girl off her A-game. 

 

This week, Nolan seems to confirm his look this season is WEAR ALL THE LAYERS! Seriously man, it has to be too warm for that much clothing. It's hard to take his very good advice when he's dressed like this. That said, someone had to remind her that "maybe you shouldn't talk to Charlotte without a plan because bitch is crazy town". 

 

But never fear! Mr. Ross quickly redeemed himself, because let it never be said that Nolan doesn't know how to dress for an occasion. Even he knew the layers were too much to tour the (oddly fire investigator free) wreckage of The Stowaway. So he peels back a few for just the tasteful polo. 

 

And when continuing to deliver advice to Emily (like, maybe do some research, get some photos and a Sharpie), he goes adds a little casual flair with the earlier Kenzo shirt layer.  

I feel like this is more of the Nolan we knew and loved three season ago, before he decided to dress like Elton John's more flamboyant cousin. More of this, please.

 

Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the work Emily has done on that giant manor? Her taste in furniture and art is so much better than that of Victoria. Also, a revenge (!!!) workout room in the pool house is just good for the resale value. 

 

Meanwhile, in an upscale hotel somewhere in New York, Charlotte-the-Worst turns to pills and confesses to her mother that Emily is really Amanda Clarke. Like, tell her something she doesn't already know.

#THEWORST. Especially since she's basically wearing her own version of the pants that ate Paris paired with a Reign-style wrestling belt. I guess when you have that much fabric, you can easily hide your "Cry for Help" pill bottle around in them. 

I'm sure at some point someone will notice she has been clutching the bottle for days and care enough to talk to her about it. Or maybe they'll just continue to ignore her and use her when she's convenient to getting something they need. 

 

Danny Boy takes the Gucci out of cold storage this week, but it's not really helping him keep his hotel suite or get a job. At least he looks like he comes from money and isn't that what matters most? 

He's also not exactly super pleased to see his mother, but at least she's not in full denim. Were that the case, his reaction would be more shock and horror instead of mild annoyance.

 

And, to prove YKYLF staffer Anthony's point from last week, Dan drops a button later in the episode when he ups the sleeze factor and flirts with this probably-maybe-not-crazy friend of Victoria's.

Poor, dumb Daniel still can't see a con coming. And he wonders why all of New York's finest financial institutions are reluctant to hire him. Also, he has access to sexytimes with MARGAUX EFFING LEMARCHAL aka the most glamorous lady currently on TV, so I'm not sure why he's making bedroom eyes at this broad.

 

Speaking of: what's the deal with potentially crazy con artist Louise, she of the confused accents. Is she Australian? Southern? I have no idea. But her bright jersey dress, heaving cleave, nude shoes (yawn), and hotel lobby day drinking are the perfect way to introduce her as this season's pebble in Victoria's shoe. 

 

Because please, does this look like a credible threat? No. No it does not. Victoria, in her fantastic blue day dress, looks as though a mosquito carrying a ill-thought-out snakeskin clutch was buzzing around her. She has bigger fish to fry than Louise. 

I think we can safely assume Louise will go the way of Lydia at some point, no? Dying at least once after she (stupidly) pisses Victoria off.

 

 

 

Now, here's the thing, friends. I love mixing a denim jacket with a great dress as much as the next girl. In fact, I would absolutely pair a denim jacket with that dress Victoria is wearing. But you guys? Victoria would not. And yet, this:

It's like the costume department has never even watched the show before. Did she sell all her clothes before being committed? Am I to believe that Victoria Grayson is headed into NYC, into society, in denim to beg for money? What's next for poor Vicki? Taking public transit? Signing up for a library card? Something with an elastic waistband??

 

Meh, not likely. She's having a Scarlett O'Hara moment and getting back on her feet with a "loan" from Margaux.

Oh Margaux. Your hair is amazing, but you are a sucker. Having said that, I wish I had seen more of your dress this week. 

 

And back in Montauk, Jack brings over a childhood photo, saved from the fire, to remind us that in spite of the lack of any real chemistry, Jack and Emily are MFEO. 

Blah blah, twue wuv. However, we also take this moment to pour one out on the steps of the former Chez Grayson in honour of The Stowaway. May it, like The Initiative, White Haired Man, The Falc0n and all of season two, never be mentioned again. 

 

And, because it has to be said, HOW MUCH BETTER does Jack look now that he's clean-shaven and free of Declan, baby Whatshisthing, and the bar? Long live Officer Jack. Hopefully we won't have to suffer too long through his Hot Cop Friend making passes at Emily.

Yes, he is an attractive man in a uniform, but this is a love triangle no one wants or needs. Trust. Let's get him transfered out of town next week. I hear Rosewood's in need of a new inappropes cop.

 

And finally, when it comes to revenge (!!!) fashions, it's like father, like daughter.

Since he didn't immediately stab Emily in her sleep, I can only assume Victoria's plan to poison that family well isn't going to go as smoothly as she hopes.

 

Because let's face it, the family that revenges (!!!) together, stays together.