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Wednesday
Apr162014

Revenge: Allegiance

I fully support any episode that takes place at a horsetrack. It's a green light for outrageous fashion including a glaringly obvious hat. Victoria's been trying to step up her Revenge(!!!) game by setting some "traps" for Emily, although it's painfully clear Victoria has no idea who she's dealing with. Oh, you secretly invited a future Red Sharpie victim to draw Emily out so you can detect her true motives? Sister, she knows. At this point, my TV wine and I are watching it like an old episode of Double Dare — who's getting slimed next? Jack returns from his rather sombre trip to LA (re: mom's in rehab) and Margaux's all, "Was Lindsay at the Chateau Marmont!?" Note to Jack: dump the French gal! You're all fashionable now — the world is in your hands. Meanwhile, at Nolan Ross Compound, Javier and Charlotte are playing around like their teenagers, Nolan's trying to keep Javier out of the Grayson sinkhole, and of course you know that ends up with them winning. But the best part of that nonsese? Nolan's pissed and she's gonna do. it.

 

Here we have Emily Thorne is the hat they use to cover Montauk when it snows. I'm not even going to get into my theories on this magical New York state weather in Revenge(!!!) because it's *completely* unbeweaveable, but I will talk about this hilariously oversized millinery. 

I'm down for her sticking to a monochromatic colour palette since that always looks stunning on her figure, but I worry it's a little too close to LA Noir for my taste. The dark lip and mysterious, silky draping? I mean, she looks outstanding, but is it costumey?

 

Speaking of costumey...hey, Margaux! Y'all know I live and die by the fascinator, but I gagged on this one. And not in the good drag queen way. Maybe it's the up-do that's throwing me off, but Margaux doesn't seem suited for this look. Frankly, with her adorable pixie cut, she should have that big ass hat on her head. 

The violet dress is making up for the look, tho. Chartreuse and violet are pals in my book.

It's a shame her European style is rubbing off on Daniel in all the wrong ways. Boy can't decide if he's going for 1980s teen movie preppy villain, or if he's giving you 3-piece dourness. No, Mr. Grayson! You can't shut down our youth centre! *cue rollerblade sequence*

 

Ah, Victoria. I'm not sure what inspired this metallic, faerie-like ensemble for the races but I'll allow it to happen. It's nice to see you move so freely now that your hips aren't constrained by yards of body-sealing fabrics. Characters need to dress outside of the box every now and then so bloggers like us don't get stuck in a rut and start to hate everything they do. 

   HOWEVER... I'm hating the fact that she showed up to the races without a hat. Even a tiny one. She must be off her game because Victoria Grayson can dress for every occassion and we've seen it. Labour Day, engagements, funerals, visiting the convent where you gave up your first born...she knows her angles, that one.

 

And then: YES. More yellows and oranges for Nolan, please! Oh, and your eyes don't deceive you — that's an ascot tied around his swan-like neck. At this point, Nolan's worn nearly ever conceivable colour and pattern available to him, I suppose it was a matter of time before he delved into knits. 

I'm not wild about cardigans these days, especially with the nautical double button, but who am I to critique Nolan Ross? He's worn a animal print button-down with lime green short-shorts and blue suede loafers. Honey, yes, the house down, work.

 

Nolan's roomie Javier is the best thing to ever happen to Charlotte. She's grabbing all that screen time. That said, his fresh out of prison, "I'm a bad boy of technology who can't really dress himself because, you know, I was in prison" look hasn't won me over yet. Cut to Charlotte looking positively Gracious Grayson in that red dress and we're going to be OK. 

   It's not as body as Victoria's cons, but it's getting there. I'm just glad she's got a side piece again. I was afraid we were going to be stuck with her as the stylish floor lamp in every scene.

 

Best buds forever! How else do you comfort your Revenge(!!!) BFF after learning his father was murdered for trying to do the right thing?

   As an aside, when Aidan tackled that guy in drag, I scream laughed. First, because I thought it was totally over-the-top and outlandish for Aidan to tackle a woman; second, because once he ganked that weave off her head, I clocked those blue garage doors she tried to pass off for eyes and was howling.

Oh, you're only in woman's clothing and make-up when you leave the house to conceal your identity? Learn how to blend before you think you be living stealth.

 

The Red Sharpie made another slow-motion laden appearance this week as Emily took out yet another Grayson Global cronie, then toasted with a glass of Contemplation Red Wine while wearing a cozy off-white knit. For a hot second, I thought I was watching Scandal.

Anyway, this time, Red Sharpie took out the dude who transferred the money to the terrorists who did what David Clarke was wrongly accused of doing. You know, I don't care what David did, didn't do, thought about doing, or dreamed about — I just want to see some drama, please!

 

After going undercover as a job seeker, Emily does the old bait-and-switch, feeding real chemicals to Gilliam while he's on stage. But the best part of the whole plan? The sassy Power Point presentation she made to accompany it! How she gonna do all that in floral prints? 

The neckline on this Alice + Olivia maxi was a tad whore-adjacent for a daytime awards ceremony, and the print definitely came from The Golden Girls. But that is my favourite television show of all time. OF ALL TIME. So I like this look on principle.

 

At the end of the episode, we see Victoria has her own Sharpie — the Black Sharpie of Revelation. It's decidedly less dramatic, although she does namecheck the show (Revenge[!!!]) when she comes upon her raspy whispered epiphany, clad in evil lingerie.

Yeah gurl. Emily's out for revenge(!!!) and if you're just clocking that now, I'm afraid we've got a few more seasons of the Plotting Balcony to expect.

Monday
Apr142014

Revenge: Allegiance

This week on PRETTY PEOPLE TALKING IN RASPY WHISPERS: While you may have been busy with Game of Thrones and Mad Men last night, rest assured the regular cornucopia of smoldering looks continued this week in Montauk. I still have no idea (and don't really care to understand) the underlying conspiracy going on, but I did catch a few plot points. 1) Daniel and Charlotte made a deal with Javier for his Charvatar program, which is tantamount to a declaration of war on Nolan, 2) Jack and Margaux finally noticed they have nothing in common and broke up, 3) Pascal shot some dude, 4) Emily wore a BIG ASS HAT AND LOOKED AMAZING, and 5) Queen V finally clued in that Emily's avenging David Clarke.

 

Emily's Target
RED SHARPIE IS BACK Y'ALL!!! And a not-so-fond-farewell to Mr. Gilliam, his toxic water production company, and his tangential link to the whole David Clarke fiasco.

Gala of the Week
How have these fancy ladies and gents not hit the horse racing track before? My only sadface is that we didn't get to see Nolan's take on Ascot realness.

Best Dressed
See above re: BIG ASS HAT!!!

Most Soapy Moment:
Gotta give it to the sensuous cinematography around the show's current best character, Red Sharpie, back after a lengthy absence. The slo-mo shots, the lingering close-ups... it was like office supply porn this week.

 

We couldn't trust this week's drama to anyone but the fab Anthony. Check back on Wednesday for our full fashion recap.

Tuesday
Apr082014

Revenge: Blood

Well kids, this was certainly a clusterf**k of Revenge(!!!). I'm not even going to pretend to know what's going on, so let's break it down: Charlotte and Daniel fight to remain relevant as they (sort of) team up against Emily/Jack/Nolan. Victoria and Pascal are happening, and we find out that he was only 19 when Margaux came around (sacre bleu!), while he realizes that maybe she knows what she's doing. Margaux seems to unknowingly be in a a love triangle (quadrangle?) with Jack/Daniel/Emily. Emily and Aiden head over to my side of the pond for something that seems to have something to do with the whole Revenge(!!!) plot. And oh yeah, Mason EFFING Treadwell is back. I'm tired already, so lets get to it.

 

Nobody Cares

So Daniel's trying to get Charlotte to realize that Jack and Nolan are in cahoots with Emily. Well, duh. And he manages to get under her skin dressed like Mr. Rogers. Though I am glad to see Charlotte dressing more like she's from the Hamps' and less like she's from Flushing, Queens, a la last week. 

Lovely silk kimono and soft hair, Char, but alas, this does not make you relevant.

 

The Most Functional Family in the Hamptons

Char's adorbs little nephew, Carl, is with his new family of Grandma Stevie, future-step-mama Margaux, and papa Jack. 

Stevie G's back on her game in a plum shift with gold accessories (that I couldn't get a good snap of, sorry!), and we all know what Jack looks like, hurt puppy expression included. I'm not as huge a fan of Margaux's look as YKYLF editor Ann, but I do lurve the lacy chartreuse pencil skirtand gold hardware around that tiny waist. I just can't get down with turtleneck sleeveless anything.

 

Your Weekly Nolan Ross

Meanwhile, Nolan is calling some techies in what I can only assume is a Cosby sweater? Not on board with this either, though the colors are fab.

Note Javier strutting around in the background like a Grease extra. Anyone else expect him to pull a comb out of his pocket, Danny Zuko-styles?

 

His Father's Son

Anyway, Daniel, still clinging to significance, confronts Pascal and reminds him of what an amazing daughter he has, and gently sneaks in that Jack isn't really the stand-up guy that he seems to be. Crafty-ish.

I want to like his suit, but it just looks like another Conrad hand-me-down. Come on Daniel, take your shirt off already. I'm sure that's all you're good for anymore.

 

Though he does get Pascal to admit that he hasn't been a great father to the immaculate Margaux.

Big ups for the blouse. So different to what she normally wears. Girl knows how to mix it up, and werk some dangly earrings.

 

Nobody Cares, Part 2

Oh yeah, Charlotte's still around. Well, she walks into a bar (ouch! Heh...) and in on a conversation that Jack and Nolan are having with Emily (we'll get to her part, I promise). 

Nolan is back on form with a beautifully flowery black button down and chocolate suede blazer. And I'm digging the teal scarf on Charlotte, but I'm kind of tired of all the cut-outs. We get it, you're young and edgy(ish).

 

Then she changes into this mess to receive her new boy-toy. It's like she's wearing a toga.

But it seems as though Javier is helping to inadvertantly lure Charlotte over to #TeamDaniel. At least until she flips back to #TeamEmily next week. She really can't pick a side.

 

Speaking of Danny, he's celebrating with Margaux over a bottle of champers and long lingering glances.

At least he ditched the wool suit.

 

Fifty Shades of Grayson

So...  Victoria and Pascal are banging.

I have nothing else to say about this.

 

But post-roll-in-the-hay, Queen V heads to the jailhouse dressed to the nines in a white skirt suit to see none other than... Mason Treadwell.

MASON EFFING TREADWELL Y'ALL!!! The show gets, like, 100% more interesting whenever this creeper shows up.

This week, he asks Queen V to get him out so he can have lobster benedict as a free man. A man after my own heart. You can take the girl out of Maine...

 

Lawyer'd!

But in swoops Stevie on behalf of Emily to try and woo him back over to her side.

I'm not sure what I think about her indigo sweater with the leather cuffs. Trying a bit too hard maybe.

 

Meanwhile, Victoria traipses over to see Conrad for some reason (I was starting to drift at this point), managing to look frumpy in an off-the-shoulder body-con number.

It looks a bit loose on her doesn't it? Like in the ribs and arms? Oh well, she brings it back around later, you'll see.

 

PLOT TWIST(!!!)

And then Mason totally dies.

DEATH BY FACE CREAM!

 

And Vicky G manages to parlay that into a chance to drive Stevie G back to drink. Again.

Who sits around in these outfits?! I'm wearing sweats up in here!

 

Anyway, Stevie is my style-star this week in this gorgeous flowery number.

The cut is absolutley fabulous on her hourglass figure. Snaps from me, Original Mrs. G.

 

PLOT TWIST 2: EVEN TWISTIER

Surprise!!! Nolan's back (hurrah!) to let us know that not only is Mason not dead, he's been sprung from the clink and given a new identity as part of Emily's master plan.

TEMPORARY DEATH BY FACE CREAM!

 

And Jack walks in to find Stevie staring down at a tumbler full of vodka. I'm liking how Nolan's popped collars are rubbing off on Jack. It's a step in the right direction for our resident boy next door. 

And Stevie blurts out in her slightly inebriated state that "Daniel was right" about him being in love with Emily. I'm not sure if Jack is upset that Daniel is having influence or that he might actually love Emily... which brings us to...

 

The Actual Revenge(!!!) Plotline

So Aiden wakes from a nightmare in which he finds his own father dead in the garden shed. Only it's not a nightmare. That actually happened to him.

At least Emily is there to console him in her cosiest of neutral robes. And agrees to head across the Atlantic for a visit with Aiden's mum. Aw.

 

And there's sweet old mum now! Braving the most miserable weather to greet the son she hasn't seen in seven years. Emily is introduced as his fiancee, and looks amazing after a 7 hour flight. And Aiden's managed to pop his collar pre-reunion. 

Nolan's obvs to credit for that.

 

After hearing that Aiden was the one who found his father dead, Emily gains more understanding of Aiden's own revenge (!!!) plans. She only packed her comfy neutrals for this trip folks, but at least she packed her curling iron. 

And the dynamic duo find a clue in the etchings of Aiden's father. Oscar Champan, another name to add to the ever growing list of people connected with David Clarke.

 

Anyway, Aiden tells his mother that his father was blackmailed into his "terrorist" act by the men who had kidnapped his daughter. And mama Mathis gains some closure. When Aiden and Emily return to the Hamptons, they share this look:

 

Which leads to this kiss...

 

Which leads to this the next morning.

And the knowledge that Oscar Chapman faked his own death. Let the revenging(!!!) continue!

 

Alright, so I'm not sure I cleared anything up for anyone, but at least Mason Treadwell came back for one glorious moment. Crossing my fingers we'll get another big gala next week, because I'm missing my weekly taste of glam Montauk evening-wear. Even if the plots make zero sense, you know this cast can bring it, black-tie-style.

Monday
Apr072014

Revenge: Blood

This week on GAME OF THRONES SEASON PREMIERE REVENGE(!!!): Yes, the episode we've all been waiting for came this week as... oh, wait, Revenge is still on? OK fine, so we seem to be in a holding pattern now where people make alliances and then break them every week, and the increasingly incestuous cast increases the size of their love octogon until everybody's in it. So V's boning Pascal, who finally shows Margaux some love, but that's just because Daniel manipulated him into doing that so that she'll dump Jack so Danny can get in on the French action. And then Char's mad at Daniel and macking on Nolan's protege, until she switches and is mad at Jack and teams up with Daniel. And in the middle of all of this, Emily and Aidan head to England to learn more about his father, and because that's still not enough plot, Mason Effing Treadwell is back on the scene! Sounds like a lot, and yet... nothing really happened.

 

Emily's Target
I trust that Emily knows what her plan is currently, but I've lost the thread. I think... she's still trying to find out what Pascal had to do with the plane crash? And with Aidan's father? To bring down the Graysons? Maybe?

Gala of the Week
So sad, the only opportunity for evening glamour was when Victoria dressed up for a date with Pascal, but the dress was on her for like five seconds before he was hitting that.

Best Dressed
The English countryside works well with Emily's recent oatmeal-on-beige-comfy-sweaters wardrobe, so she's out of contention. Instead, this week's prize goes to Margaux's business-fab ensemble, complete with gold superhero belt.

Most Soapy Moment:
I was going to give this to Mason's SHAVING CREAM OF DEATH but then it turned out he's Totally Not Dead. I will therefore hand it over to Nolan popping up in that darkened limo to sneak Mason off to a life in Emily-sponsored witness protection. Nobody ever stays dead on this show, do they?

 

Stop back on Wednesday to see if Lauren can make sense of this week's machinations!

Wednesday
Apr022014

Revenge: Addiction

Pat 1 of 2: Poker Face

Y'all, I need to admit that I've lost the plot. Quite literally. And I'm pretty sure the writers have too, because I'd be surprised if they knew who was playing who these days. I bet they were all, "Oh snap! Pascal is Nixoning Emily with the knock off French whale cam!" and "Shiiiit! Aidan is back because his dad was also somehow involved in that damn plane crash. Did not see that one coming!" In further twists and turns, V loves/hates Pascal who was her childhood amour in Paris. Conrad is plotting something with Pascal and gets the house away from Stevie, giving it to V for reasons I'm not sure I understand. Daniel is busy making his "I Can't Believe Emily Did That To Me" face and making Margaux think that Jack has eyes for Emily...something to do with Voulez, and no one actually cares anymore. 

 

In spite of all my confusion about the plot, I am 100% right there with the costume department's plans for V's casual wear. Because this L'Wren Scott (RIP) number? Damn.

Basically the perfect outfit for storming into your ex-lover's office and yelling, "You don't know me Pascal, or what I want!" #SoSoapy. So good. 

 

She follows it up with a serious pop of colour with the Ladies Who Lunch.

It's kind of weird to see her in colour. But the pink sheath is a refreshing change of pace from the usual drama in all her outfits.

 

And what else do you wear to lunch with Morgan Effing Fairchild (!!!).

Of course Morgan Fairchild came for a lunctime champers cameo. Of course she did. Because if you're going to be a nighttime soap opera, you best be meta about that shit in this day and age. (I'm currently praying to the Ghost of JR Ewing that Alexis Carrington makes a guest apperance).

 

As for the rest of the ladies who lunch? Please. If you're going to bow down at the wicker throne of Queen V, at least coordinate.

Have you not seen an episode of Gossip Girl? Because, basically, V is the future of Blair Waldorf.

 

It's the only thing that explains V's hobbies — flower arrangement for fun, plotting, day drinking, excessively doting on her son, and wearing the hell out of this skirt.

 

In another wing of Grayson Manor, Charlotte is busy reading the Voulez gossip tip line in an attempt to be relevant. 

Cute hair, kid, and I like the daytime lace, but you need to work harder at getting a plot line.

 

Not helping matters is the fact that you decided to emulate The Nanny for an evening around the house, starting with this Rebecca Minkoff leopard dress.

Some fake nails and a little extra volume in her hair and she'd be yelling, "Oh Mr. Sheffield" in her best Queens accent... which would be refreshing from her usual blank stares and privileged pouty faces.

 

If Javier finishes Charvatar soon, we can just replace her with this iPad app, decked out in a decidedly more tasteful olive colored A.L.C. dress.

Would you actually notice the difference if Daniel whined to Charvatar instead of Charlotte? 

 

Speaking of Javier, I'm not sure why he's here yet, except to take his shirt off for us. 

Hey buddy, the audiences at home needed some gratuitous shirtlessness, even if it isn't bringing the sexytimes. Because there's been a real drought these days.  

 

Over at Voulez, where no one cares what's happening, Margaux has to choose between Rome and Jack.

 

Oh Margaux, why must you tie you and your amazing cobalt sweater dress down to this guy?

 

You've got badass Tegan & Sarah hair, a killer accent, and you've got dresses and necklaces that are somehow subtle while still being a statement necklace.

Don't look so shocked Margaux. You've got the goods girl, so fly off to Rome, take that prestigious ed-in-chief job, and leave this nonsense behind! (Spoiler alert: she stays. Because she's jealous of Jack's relaysh with Emily. Sigh.)

 

Not wearing statement necklaces quite as well is Stevie G.

She wears a lot of sweaters and necklaces this week as she adds one more name to the growing list of People Somehow Connected To David Clark. (Santa has a shorter list to check off.)

She also forshadows her drinking by saying, "things are bad when I drink." and "Just be glad you've never seen me drink." along with, "my drinking was bad." You could almost start a drinking game in this episode for all the times when she says this.

 

Which is why it comes as little surprise that Jack sees this happening to the sounds of Gold Dust Woman. Well played, music department. A little Stevie Nicks for the beginning of Stevie G's downward spiral?

 

Don't worry. She doesn't drink. Yet. But she's thinking about it. Probably because the costume department dressed everyone in head to toe amazingness and left her with this tweed sack of a dusty rose number. 

I'd probably drink too if that's all I had to wear while hanging around my hotel suite or babysitting. 

 

Meanwhile across the beach — where, frankly, one of these houses ought to get a green light a la Gatsby to add some symbolism to all this staring at each other's houses — I was a little worried about Emily's outfits. She wore a lot of neutral sweaters this week. So many, that if I hadn't started another drinking game, I probably would have gotten really bored of her. 

I was even worried about Nolan, who looked like an extra from Anne of Green Gables, the Sequel in his three piece brown tweed. I mean, give him a boater cap and he can go to the picnic with his chum Gilbert Blythe which — wait, that would be actually am amazing fanfic. #NoteToSelf

Anyway, both of the Revening Roomies were outshone by Infinity Box of Secrets 2.0, the waterproof edition. (In case you need to chuck your secrets into the ocean.) And no one should be outshone by a box of secrets. Least of all Nolan. 

 

Fortunately, all it took was a visit to this place to turn things around. Welcome to a place Connie and Pascal like to call "Rich White Man's Club of Excessive Privilege."

Brandy snifters and a giant crystal ash tray for everyone!

 

The perfect setting for Emily to wear a simple plum dress and for the return of the popped collar.

 

Yes. All the yesses to that collar with a velvet jacket. Also the perfect place for her to steal Pascal's Inception token.

How will Pascal know what is real and what is not?? 

 

These besties plotting together continues to be my favourite thing about this show. When drunk Caribbean Aiden is all, "I'm not Nolan! I don't come running when you need me!" 

Of course you're not! You wear sub-par billowing white shirts while drinking in the Caribbean because Emily hurt your feelings!

 

Nolan? He's been tortured, gone to jail, lost his house, and yet, he still pops his collar and rolls up his sleeve when needed. #Besties4Life y'all. 

Now that we've established that, let's take a moment to appreciate the magnificence of Emily, once she gets out of her sad sack neutral sweaters made of the finest and rarest alpacas. That dress, that hair, that lipstick. The best. Nobody does it better. We could only top that outfit if we paired it with a red Sharpie.