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Wednesday
Oct222014

Revenge: Meteor

Occasionally, a television show comes along that you become totally invested in and can tolerate a few episodes (or an entire season) of roundabout storytelling because you know the payoff is just around the corner. After years of withering under her own revengeful righteousness, Emily found out that David “Beardy Dad” Clarke is alive and mostly well. This should have been a serious moment for the audience but to be honest, I wasn’t feeling it. In fact, I’m more interested in the Louise storyline right now; though I have weakness for sassy gingers, especially if they have a Southern accent. After the BNE mix-up, David didn’t shank Ems, she picked Pops out of a police lineup, and Victoria sunk her claws into him further than his pain chain. We know when the characters wear flats that shit’s gonna go down, and we also know that when they don’t change during an episode the plot is going to move ahead at lightspeed.

 

Let’s pop over to the magazine for a minute while I gush (as usual) over Margaux’s dress. I’m really into her colour blocking with white. Who says you can’t wear white after Labour Day?  

Although, I have no damn idea what time of year it is for these kids. Sure, there’s sun and some pool scenes, but even when it’s winter they’re sauntering around in cardigans. Hey, I used to live on the east coast, winters ain’t that mild children. Oh, shout out to the skirt the receptionist is wearing. It’s cute from far, though might be far from cute.

OK, Victoria was decked out in a white Michael Kors sheath so it’s definitely spring or summer at this point. I mean, Margaux’s European so wearing white any time of the year is fine. But Victoria, former Monarch of Montauk, would never deign to wear white after the first weekend of September. 

I find it refreshing she’s using silver as the accent rather than gold. I mean, gold and white is classic and sexy, but was so overdone this past year. Enough of looking like a Grecian lady of leisure. Slum it with some other precious metals!

 

I may have been a little harsh on Charlotte in my last recap. Sometimes caftans are just unforgivable. This week, I’m almost inclined to give her a finger wave and deep “yes you did” for this ensemble. I love the colours. I love the BCBG maxi skirt – even if it looks like a lampshade from 1992. I love the pop of colour on the belt as it pulls the colour from the Clover Canyon top. The hair is always flawless so y’know, she’s good. 

It’s kind of like what you’d wear to a nice brunch after spending a weekend at Coachella but don’t want to let on to your parents you blasted your credit card at “that hippie parade” again. 

 

On the other hand of the Grayson sibling contingent… ladies and gentlemen, I give you white privilege! Daniel. Daniel, honey. Who the hell wears a damn suit to a rooftop pool? 

On top of that, who chooses a rooftop pool as the ideal place to pore over financial statements and create an investment portfolio? I mean, I know you need the dollars, but wasn’t there an office, or tasteful pub, or public library with those little green banker lamps you could have chosen instead? Live your life, Warren.

 

Alright, so Daniel’s on the rooftop because Louise beckoned, but I’m sticking to what I said. Oh, this is the third sighting of white and it’s a bikini so it's clearly summer in New York City. Louise, you’re a gorgeous woman and pulling off a white swimsuit this effortlessly is hat tip worthy. I might even be convinced to let a “give it to ‘em!” slip.

 

Oh, pink looks really great on her, too. Though I’m not sure about the fabric texture. It reminds me of those country style pillows you’d find at your aunt’s house on her sofa in the room you weren’t supposed to be inside. Still, great colour for a redhead!

 

Alright, back to the real point of the episode: Emily finding her dirtbag dad. For a woman as chic as Emily, her choice in accessories always baffles me. Some days it’s a lovely thin chain and tasteful pendant, other days it’s .42 with a full clip.  

I’m into the jacket. It reads total New England staple piece with all those pockets and the “is it spring? is it fall?” olive green colour. I bet you could stash many a knife in that jacket.

 

While she’s arming herself against a potential assassin, said assassin, that is to say Emily’s dirtbag dad, snaps what’s left of his psyche after reading Victoria’s unsettling note. Seriously Victoria, who actually uses the phrase “my love” unless you’re making fun of a Jane Austen movie/novel? I can’t say I was totally on board with the self-torture using the pain-chain, realizing that David did it so he’d have some ammunition against Connie’s ghost was a stroke of mad genius. 

Personally, I’d ditch the family and start fresh in Thailand under the name Ethan Greenberg, but I guess I react differently under pressure.

 

Since dirtbag Dad gets snapped up by the cops, Emily has to do the whole witness lineup business. This is where she first lays eyes on not-so-dead David Clarke. Understandably, she loses her shit but keeps it together because that’s what we do in the revenge business. 

Nolan was there to help Emily and her coat buttons out of the station. The man knows how to work a colour palette within an inch of its life. I refuse to acknowledge the red belt because this isn’t 2001 and we’re not listening to Avril Lavigne, but that pocket square that looks like it could be a Union Jack is a delight. 

 

Also delightful? Officer Jack! Always a pleasure to see you and your unbearably handsome face. I’m putting this on the record: short and stocky is my weakness and as you can see, though he may be more fit than stocky, Jack is adorably short. I mean, he’s on the higher part of a slope and Nolan is kneeling down, and Nolan is half his height.

You have the right to remain silent as I write my number down.

 

In the interrogation room, David gives his best performance as a broken torture victim, placing Connie squarely in the middle of everything. The shock he fakes is actually impressive and the man deserves an Golden Globe nod. I totally see where Emily gets it. However, all of this plays right into Victoria’s hands because David doesn’t know Emily is Amanda and OH LOOK WE SEEM TO BE BACK WHERE WE STARTED. Emily and Victoria are going to be a real life Spy vs. Spy, each dressed in a signature colour, trying to murder each other for decades. But after all that storyline, this is the money shot:

Look at Victoria’s side-eye to the world. She is letting them have it and I’m living for it.

 

Two things after this episode:

  1. I’m starting a pool as to when Emily just drops a safe on Victoria. I call episode 18.
  2. Emily and Nolan’s stressed out/angry faces remind me of some familiar characters:

Monday
Oct202014

Revenge: Meteor

This week on MONTAUK NINE-NINE: Soooo I'm pretty sure that "in a line-up of suspects in my home break-in and attempted murder" was not in the top 10 places Emily wanted to see her Not Dead Dad for the first time in 20 years, but you take what you get. David pulls a classic Clarke move, faking his own torture and then accidentally-on-purpose getting himself arrested. This leads to the aforementioned line-up, which leads to a lot of fake-shock from Queen V at her "dead" "lover's" "return". Emily, Nolan, and Jack (a.k.a. the only people on this show who actually love David) are kept at arms length, which leads David to take V's side yet again. But does David know who Emily is? You never know what's going on behind those shifty eyes. Here's hoping Beardy Clarke's playing a long con that winds up with a Double Infinity reunion special. 


Emily/Victoria/David(?)'s Target
Emily and Victoria are still in their blood feud, with the self-flagellating David Clarke caught in the crossfire. Or is he out to get someone too? What you up to, Beardy?

Gala of the Week
The biggest show in town was at the police station this week, as David throws down an Emily-calibre performance leaving chaos, tears, confusion, and one hell of an episode in his wake.

Best Dressed
This week was True Blood styles with everyone sporting the same looks all hour. Within those parameters, the only option is Margaux's latest European shift -- this time a chic red and white color block motif.

Most Soapy Moment:
Would anyone argue that the whole "seeing your presumed dead father whose death you've been avenging for four years for the first time in a police line-up of your possible attempted murderers" doesn't deserve to take this trophy home?

 

Come back Wednesday to see what Anthony makes of this week's twists and turns.

Wednesday
Oct152014

Revenge: Ashes

This week, we thank Plot Contrivance that Jack hangs onto actual pictures instead of saving to the cloud like the rest of humanity. Because that luddide streak meant he just had to run into his BURNING BAR and discover the unconcious Emily on the floor. Meanwhile, the Clarke/Grayson fam are ruining everything in sight with their joint terribleness. V's plan seems to be to convince David that his oldest daughter is The Worst so they can be a happy family without Emily/Amanda. But let's face it, Charlotte is the worst Clarke daughter. Daniel is poor, which means he's forced to look for a job before he has to downgrade to a four star hotel room. Victoria's mental bestie was wrongfully committed. Or escaped. Or something we'll have to endure for five episodes. And Emily is sure that Victoria has some kind of ace up her denim sleeve, if only she could just figure it out. Yes, Ems...if only you had an endless bank account, a computer whiz, and the art of revengery at your disposal to figure it all out before it stabs you in your sleep. If only. 

 

You guys, I'm still reeling from this. Are we even watching Revenge? I'm not sure, because this is a picture of the woman who plays Victoria, but the fact that she's in double denim in a pine kitchen that features a toaster and a dishwasher (neither of which are humans who wash dishes and toast bread for you) makes me question everything. EVERYTHING.

Whither thou go, body con dresses? Where you at jewel tones and expensive shoes? At least she manages to stop in for a blow out and keep her hair fantastic, because: standards.

 

It's like alternate universe Victoria, someone who tolerates rustic interior design and wears white tanks and is a doting mother.

I can only hope this alterna-Victoria doesn't last long. I mean, it can't. Bitch has plans and plans need money and a fantastic house. I'm pretty sure that the lure of proper style will outweigh her feelings of TRUE LOVE sooner rather than later, bringing back formal day wear and the evening gowns in their wake.

 

That said, her time spent as a "real person" lasted long enough to give us a glimpse into what it would look like if Victoria and Emily teamed up for their own Thelma and Louise road trip.

Dear show: please make this a thing. I will never mock Revenge (!!!) again if you do.

 

But let's back it up and start from the beginning. Look out Katniss, there's a new Girl On Fire! 

Yes, that's the Stowaway burning to the ground. The set and the plot we all stopped caring about after they killed those dudes who were sneaking around threatening Jack for money because of blah blah worst plot ever.

Fortunately for all of us, Peeta Jack was fast tracked to the police force and has decided to focus on work/life balance instead of bartending. This will give him more time to Skype with his baby (he still has a baby, right?) and free us from talk of his financial woes. About three seasons too late, but thanks for the effort, show!

 

Besides, every home on this show is fully equipped with a well stocked bar, so The Stowaway was always pretty useless. I mean, Margaux has expensive scotch in crystal glasses at the ready - why would she need her ex-boyfriend's crappy bar?

God that hair is amazing. 

 

Fortunately for all of us, Emily's core is made of revenge (!!!), so she just bounces right back from a fire and looks amazing. Not a singed hair on her head. Revenge (!!!) really is the best conditioning treatment.

In other snooze: that color's amazing on her (she's always worn blue well) but no me gusta the cut of this Vince top. Like, it's fine for going to the smouldering ruins of a bar, but it's not Emily at her best. 

Apparently nearly burning to death can put a girl off her A-game. 

 

This week, Nolan seems to confirm his look this season is WEAR ALL THE LAYERS! Seriously man, it has to be too warm for that much clothing. It's hard to take his very good advice when he's dressed like this. That said, someone had to remind her that "maybe you shouldn't talk to Charlotte without a plan because bitch is crazy town". 

 

But never fear! Mr. Ross quickly redeemed himself, because let it never be said that Nolan doesn't know how to dress for an occasion. Even he knew the layers were too much to tour the (oddly fire investigator free) wreckage of The Stowaway. So he peels back a few for just the tasteful polo. 

 

And when continuing to deliver advice to Emily (like, maybe do some research, get some photos and a Sharpie), he goes adds a little casual flair with the earlier Kenzo shirt layer.  

I feel like this is more of the Nolan we knew and loved three season ago, before he decided to dress like Elton John's more flamboyant cousin. More of this, please.

 

Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the work Emily has done on that giant manor? Her taste in furniture and art is so much better than that of Victoria. Also, a revenge (!!!) workout room in the pool house is just good for the resale value. 

 

Meanwhile, in an upscale hotel somewhere in New York, Charlotte-the-Worst turns to pills and confesses to her mother that Emily is really Amanda Clarke. Like, tell her something she doesn't already know.

#THEWORST. Especially since she's basically wearing her own version of the pants that ate Paris paired with a Reign-style wrestling belt. I guess when you have that much fabric, you can easily hide your "Cry for Help" pill bottle around in them. 

I'm sure at some point someone will notice she has been clutching the bottle for days and care enough to talk to her about it. Or maybe they'll just continue to ignore her and use her when she's convenient to getting something they need. 

 

Danny Boy takes the Gucci out of cold storage this week, but it's not really helping him keep his hotel suite or get a job. At least he looks like he comes from money and isn't that what matters most? 

He's also not exactly super pleased to see his mother, but at least she's not in full denim. Were that the case, his reaction would be more shock and horror instead of mild annoyance.

 

And, to prove YKYLF staffer Anthony's point from last week, Dan drops a button later in the episode when he ups the sleeze factor and flirts with this probably-maybe-not-crazy friend of Victoria's.

Poor, dumb Daniel still can't see a con coming. And he wonders why all of New York's finest financial institutions are reluctant to hire him. Also, he has access to sexytimes with MARGAUX EFFING LEMARCHAL aka the most glamorous lady currently on TV, so I'm not sure why he's making bedroom eyes at this broad.

 

Speaking of: what's the deal with potentially crazy con artist Louise, she of the confused accents. Is she Australian? Southern? I have no idea. But her bright jersey dress, heaving cleave, nude shoes (yawn), and hotel lobby day drinking are the perfect way to introduce her as this season's pebble in Victoria's shoe. 

 

Because please, does this look like a credible threat? No. No it does not. Victoria, in her fantastic blue day dress, looks as though a mosquito carrying a ill-thought-out snakeskin clutch was buzzing around her. She has bigger fish to fry than Louise. 

I think we can safely assume Louise will go the way of Lydia at some point, no? Dying at least once after she (stupidly) pisses Victoria off.

 

 

 

Now, here's the thing, friends. I love mixing a denim jacket with a great dress as much as the next girl. In fact, I would absolutely pair a denim jacket with that dress Victoria is wearing. But you guys? Victoria would not. And yet, this:

It's like the costume department has never even watched the show before. Did she sell all her clothes before being committed? Am I to believe that Victoria Grayson is headed into NYC, into society, in denim to beg for money? What's next for poor Vicki? Taking public transit? Signing up for a library card? Something with an elastic waistband??

 

Meh, not likely. She's having a Scarlett O'Hara moment and getting back on her feet with a "loan" from Margaux.

Oh Margaux. Your hair is amazing, but you are a sucker. Having said that, I wish I had seen more of your dress this week. 

 

And back in Montauk, Jack brings over a childhood photo, saved from the fire, to remind us that in spite of the lack of any real chemistry, Jack and Emily are MFEO. 

Blah blah, twue wuv. However, we also take this moment to pour one out on the steps of the former Chez Grayson in honour of The Stowaway. May it, like The Initiative, White Haired Man, The Falc0n and all of season two, never be mentioned again. 

 

And, because it has to be said, HOW MUCH BETTER does Jack look now that he's clean-shaven and free of Declan, baby Whatshisthing, and the bar? Long live Officer Jack. Hopefully we won't have to suffer too long through his Hot Cop Friend making passes at Emily.

Yes, he is an attractive man in a uniform, but this is a love triangle no one wants or needs. Trust. Let's get him transfered out of town next week. I hear Rosewood's in need of a new inappropes cop.

 

And finally, when it comes to revenge (!!!) fashions, it's like father, like daughter.

Since he didn't immediately stab Emily in her sleep, I can only assume Victoria's plan to poison that family well isn't going to go as smoothly as she hopes.

 

Because let's face it, the family that revenges (!!!) together, stays together. 

Monday
Oct132014

Revenge: Ashes

This week on THE BURNING BAR: Guess what! Emily was rescued from the fire! Bet you didn't see that coming. While that particular plot point was utterly predictable, I wasn't sure whether or not Ems would cover for Charlotte, which — she did. Jack finds out the truth about Charlotte's dalliance with arson, and after doing a little soul searching, decides that maybe it's time to hang up his bar towel for good. Pour one on the ground for The Stowaway. In other news, blah blah Daniel is poor, and Victoria's out to "heal her family" which means we're treated to a David-Charlotte reunion. Also, Victoria's buddy from Claremont, Louise, resurfaces in NYC, and after getting the brush-off from Vikki, Louise JUST HAPPENS to meet Daniel, drinking the last of his dollars in a hotel bar. Total coincidence that will not come back to haunt anyone, I'm sure.

 

Emily/Victoria's Target
Same shizz, different week. Emily is out to destroy Victoria, while Victoria literally points a shotgun at Emily, and then doesn't shoot. Something about wanting at least one more season of show to make Emily suffer?

Gala of the Week
None. Again. And if Jack's new plans are any indication, we don't have so much as a Stowaway Grand Re-opening to look forward to.

Best Dressed
Victoria's super-versatile blue and black dress. It's perfect for strolling through Manhattan while trying to scrounge up funds OR while hunkering down with your former flame in his Secret Cabin. AND! You can even pair it with a jean jacket. (I know, Victoria in denim. I'm still not over the shock.)

Most Soapy Moment:
David Clarke's slo-mo stroll through the Secret Cabin, on his way to kill Emily Thorne! David Clarke stealthily creeping around the Grayson Manor grounds! David Clarke maybe recognizes his assumed-dead daughter's face! Basically, Totally Not Dead David totally brings the soapy dramz.

 

Come back later in the week for L-A's complete fashion recap.

Wednesday
Oct082014

Revenge: Disclosure

The cat’s out of the bag — this season ain’t pussyfootin’ around, y’all. When Revenge(!!!) does an action packed episode, you can’t hedge your bets on anything because they’ll use any idea that sticks to the writers’ wall. Drug busts? Suicide attempts? Kidnapping? Family secrets? Fire!? I could write a whole post with just one-word sentences that add more and more exclamation marks. That said, it wasn’t a very fashion heavy episode so I hope we don’t slip into True Blood territory and have Victoria in the same black dress for half a season. Oh, who am I kidding? Revenge changes wardrobe faster than I can drink my TV wine.

 

Let’s start off with Charlotte because I want to get this dress out of the way. It’s not that I hate it per se, it’s just that I hate the way it stayed in front of my eyes for 47 minutes. The colour is a great choice — a nice, be be beachy coral for those warm autumn afternoons — but the draping is too much. If you’re going to wear a caftan, save it for an evening affair when the drama is unbearable.  

Oh, I’m not even going to mention that hideous cardigan/knitted monstrosity Char had clinging to her arms. Send that over the ledge, honey. 

 

I recognize that season 4 is not going to be a highlight for any Grayson, but it really hit home for me after seeing Daniel in this casual attire. On the surface, there’s nothing wrong here. It’s a fine cut of a suit and the black shirt with the top buttons open says, “I might be a trainwreck, but I care about the details.” 

So why am I upset? Because with Conny in the ground and Victoria fresh out of the institution, someone has got to keep up the overdressed Grayson rep. We just saw Charlotte in Montauk’s most expensive napkin, couldn’t Daniel have stepped it up to a tie?  

 

Look at her — a shell of the fearsome ice queen she used to be. I don’t doubt Victoria’s going to pull some seriously unsettling shit this season for her own revenge(!!!) plot, but for now she’s Beardy Clarke’s hostage and it ain’t a good look. 

Granted she still has the dewey skin of a woodland fairy, but I don’t like seeing the Queen down and out. If they don’t put Victoria in some emerald tones this season, I’m going to need a new television because this one will have a wine glass embedded in the screen. 

 

Speaking of unhinged queens with beards, David’s looking mighty shady these days. I don’t know what I’d expect from a man who’s essentially coming back from the dead, but y’know what? You had at least 10 years to pull together a new look and all you’ve got is a beat up GMC and a beard? 

Stop flirting with me and get it together. All the other men out for revenge(!!!) looked dapper as hell. Aidan’s rolling over in his burial at sea right now. 

 

Back in Season 2, we had a great threat-level warning system in Nolan’s popped collars. Since he’s retired that look, I’ve noticed a new code: the number of open shirt buttons as it relates to male character sleaze. I mean, Daniel was living for his BizCazFri look and he’s no angel. He’s the kind of guy that recites Wordsworth at a student pub while drinking Miller Lite. Here, we have Gideon’s contribution to Unfortunate Male Cleavage and he’s slipperier than a bullfrog during a heatwave*. Next to his gloriously glamourous sister (for who I have no bias…), he’s a disgusting Euro-trash trope.

*I’ve been watching a lot of Southern fried movies

Margaux, you’re my new pinnacle for Montauk fashion. I’m so in love with the hair and her flair for Mod inspired clothing. The white-on-white-on-green is such a beautiful combination, I gave it an audible “yes you did, honey”, and I haven’t said that out loud for Revenge(!!!) in a long time. 

 

For your viewing pleasure, he’s a photo of Clean Shave Porter in his cop uniform. If anyone’s seen my pants could you let me know exactly where I lost them?

 

Y’know, just when you thought there wasn’t a colour combo or print mash-up Nolan hasn’t covered, he saunters into the scene looking like this vision in blue. I’ll be straight up — I’m not loving it. Let’s get the hair out of the way because that needs to go. It’s 2014, you’re not a wacky sidekick on a 90s sitcom. As for the suit, well, I’m into the blue and I like the white trim on the jacket, but everything else feels like a costume. 

Nolan’s always been able to turn a look without it feeling put on, but this Mad Hatter Goes To Elton John's For Brunch vibe ain’t sitting right.  

 

Somehow, Emily bridges the gap of everyone’s fashion this week. I was wondering why I loved this look so much and I think it’s because it’s super refreshing to see her in a light denim. Usually it’s a dark denim or light trouser which is fine, but girl’s gotta let loose, right? I literally see cucumber water when I look at this outfit. Do it for the rich white women of the world, Emily. Do it and do it well. 

And yes, I blurred out the cop because he ain't no Jack Porter.

 

I’d be totally out of line if I didn’t mention how batshit crazy it was to see Charlotte knock out Emily and set The Stowaway on fire. Did anyone else find it odd this well-known girl in a flowing ship’s sail was just casually strolling away from the suspicious fire? Like, no one stopped her to ask what happened? I’m sure Emily’s going to pull off some ancient escape artist secret to get out of this one. Or have Nolan rescue her.

Whatever, just get to the inevitable Charlotte v. Emily cat fight, and we're all good.