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Wednesday
Dec102014

Revenge: Atonement

This week on Remember when this show was called Revenge, not Convoluted Conspiracies?: Due to the relentless ABC publicity machine, everyone tuning in to this episode knew someone was going to die. Once you remove the obvious choices (Emily, Nolan, Queen V) and started considering who's been floundering without a plotline for like three years, Daniel's fate seems kinda inevitable. But how did we get there? Well, it turns out Jack's latest GF is, like every other girlfriend he's ever had, secretly evil. Meanwhile David's up to [nobody cares] because of [boring conspiracy thing]. Honestly? The best part of the episode is probably Nolan and Louise's new friendship, sealed with a selfie.

 

New BFF Alert

This week in news none of us saw coming: Louise is suddenly delightful. No, seriously. I know, I'm just as confused as you are. It turns out when she's not making The World's Creepiest Pinterest Board, she's swanning around on this big ass yacht.

 

While barely supporting her own big ass yachts.

 

She's clearly a scholar of the Serena van der Woodsen Academy of Modest Dressing b/c check out the hemline on these hotpants:

 

And yet despite (or perhaps because of?) how much of a mess this girl is, Nolan can't resist taking this trashy star under his nautically-clad wing. I guess if you're going to hang with Nolan, you've got to step it up in the style department. Which she totally does here:

I mean, girlfriend won't ever not be a hot mess, but at least now she's got her midriff AND derriere covered. And clearly she's influencing him, based on his new yacht-print blazer. Nolan + Louise as Besties? I'm shipping it.

 

The Cutest Little Knocked Up European Pixie

So...remember how Margaux's laissez-faire approach to contraception misfired and now she's gestating the Spawn of Grayson? She's not letting that get in the way of her bodycon steez. Observe:

I mean, I know she's like two days pregz, but this seems possibly a bit tighter than might be entirely comfy? But what do I know?

 

Also, her hair is at peak blondeness and peak gamine adorbableness this week:

 

Note: I hardcore need this pointy-shouldered blazer (with nothing inside?) in my life. Werk dem baby mama drama tears, Margs.

 

After a tete-a-tete with Queen V, she decides to give Daniel a shot at this whole fatherhood thing. She's also apparently giving herself a shot at the motherhood thing, in this soft robe which is I think the least structured article of clothing we've ever seen her wear. 

Too bad Bebe's about to be a half-orphan </spoiler>

 

Victoria and David Reveal Yet More Secrets

HOW MANY SECRETS ARE LEFT FOR THESE TWO TO REVEAL TO EACH OTHER? WHEN WILL IT END

NO ONE CARES NO ONE CARES

For serious. These two claim to be all OTP but every damn week one or the other throws down another "shocking" "revelation". I can't keep track of this mess anymore.

 

Also, note to Queen V: when we can see the seams on your support undergarments, your dress is TOO DAMN TIGHT.

 

Jack's Latest Terrible Girlfriend Decision

Has Jack ever dated anyone who didn't also have a secret hidden agenda? Emily, Fauxmanda, and now Seekrit Agent Kate (aka Portia, Vampire Bill's slampiece/descendant). But whatevs, let's all enjoy this trip to the gun show:

 

His first clue should have really been when she was like, "I, an accomplished FBI agent, would like to work with dude who's been a police officer for ten seconds and is also the son-in-law of David Clarke." And his second clue is that FBI agents don't generally show off this much cleave:

 

Even her eveningwear is subpar.

So obviously Emily's gotta go Super Ninja on her ass.

 

Emily Thorne, Super Spy

As noted in the mini-recap, Emily got up to some James Bond-adjacent hijinxs this week vis-a-vis fingerprint scanner thingies, digital thingies, and other spy thingies.

Yup, looks realistic to me.

 

Then she gets her Bond Girl on with this retro-70s-style halter gown. It has been SO LONG since we'd seen her dressed up I nearly forgot she had shoulders:

 

And then of course David Clarke made the whole damn episode with his Mean Girls moment:

 

Apparently, this is how you do "family togetherness" in the Clarke fam.

 

Smack My Bitch Up

So if you hadn't clued in by the episode's sudden Daniel Grayson This Is Your Life flashback plotline, dude's about to get killed. But did you know he'd get killed because of Kate and Emily's MORTAL KOMBAT showdown?

On this side of the ring, Faux-BI agent Kate and her flat-ironed 'do.

 

 

And over here, we have Emily "Unkillable Main Character of the Show" Thorne.

I think we all know how this is going to end.

 

SMACK MY BITCH UP!

 

Daniel to the not-rescue!

 

Jack to the actual rescue! (Looking kinda James Bond-y himself, in this sweet suit.)

 

And then the couple we've been shipping for the last two weeks goes the way of Conrad, Lydia, Jack's Dog, Fauxmanda, Declan, and so many before. Interesting use of irony that Emily's the one there to comfort him, when she had planned for several seasons to be the one to destroy him, right?

 

Yes, just like that, the show's lost one more excuse at gratuitous shirtlessness, and also its sweetest, most puppydog derp face.

Monday
Dec082014

Revenge: Atonement

This week on EVERYBODY DIE NOW: Buh-bye Lady Agent (who is not actually an FBI agent, but rather is posing as one while being manipulated by Malcolm Black, WAIT NO, she's actually Malcolm Black's daughter and is trying to shake down David Clarke). Anyway, after an epic cat fight with Emily, she gone. And who gets caught in the crossfire but Daniel, who happened to be strolling on the beach thinking about his feelings. There was a lot of character development for Daniel this episode, which obviously meant he wasn't long for this world. But the real tragedy in all this is that Margaux will probably now lose the baby amongst all the grief, and we'll be denied seeing her take on maternity wear.

 

Emily's Target
Lady Agent Kate, whom Emily suspects is hiding a secret. We were treated to a fun spy-tech montage while Emily infiltrated Kate's hotel room, doing things with a fingerprint scanner thingy, and some whale cam-shaped scotch tape secret camera thingies

Gala/Caper of the Week
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, WE ACTUALLY HAD A PARTY THIS WEEK! Sadly, Nolan's beach club bash was a mere ghost of Victoria's soirees. I guess the show blew their budget on spy tech thingies.

Nolan's Bon Mot
"When does anything ever go right for the host of a Hamptons party...with you on their guest list?" BURN.

Best Dressed
You'd think it might be Nolan at the dock, or even Nolan at his party, but this week it was Emily at the party, all gorgeously gold and disco retro. Golf claps for a solid fashion episode, wardrobe team.

Most Soapy Moment:
David made a sneak appearance at said party, whispering around a corner to Emily about his Larger Plan. And just when she turned around, poof — he was gone.

 

Come back on Wednesday to get Ann's recap on the show's return to decent fashion.

Monday
Dec012014

Revenge: Intel

This week on THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE THE INITIATIVE 2.0: Hey, remember Police Chief Alvarez, a very important character who we most definitely didn't just meet this week? Me neither, despite like every character talking like we're all meant to know who he is. And maybe he's bad news? Maybe he's the guy after David? Although the guy who's after David is described like "Conrad, but even worse" and NOBODY CARES. This show seriously needs to cool it with the conspiracies involving anyone other than the main cast. Anyways, on the other side of town, Jack's getting hot and heavy with his new FBI Lady Friend, who's secretly working for Queen V to bring down Emily! (I think?) Anyway, Emily and Daniel continue to win us all over with their radically honest, sociopathic post-divorce flirtations but MARGAUX'S PREGNANT, Y'ALL so the #EmDan ship may have just sailed.

 

Emily's Everybody's Targets
Emily's going after Alvarez, who may also be the guy who's after David, or at least aligned with him. Victoria's going after Emily, as per ever. And Margaux's going gangbusters against attempted-sauna-murderer Louise.

Gala/Caper of the Week
Nolan snuck a high-tech tracker into the glass of water he fed to Emily's basement hostage before setting him free! That's the sort of good old-fashioned shenanigans we tune in to this show to see.

Nolan's Bon Mot
"As a man without many friends, I try not to take any for granted."

Best Dressed
Yet again, Margaux steals the show with her tone-on-tone bodycon look. It's not that she doesn't look faboosh — she does, obviously — but if nobody else steps it up in the fashion department we may need to get rid of this heading because there's just no competition for her anymore.

Most Soapy Moment:
It takes a lot to out-soap Victoria and David's constant raspy passive-aggressive conversations, but I was actually surprised at Margaux's pregnancy reveal. No better way to reveal being knocked-up than screaming it in anger at the dude you just broke up with.

 

Stop by on Wednesday to get L-A's take on this week's raspy confrontations and complex schemes.

Wednesday
Nov192014

Revenge: Contact

This week on WHATEVER HAPPENED TO REVENGING IT UP IN GLAM GOWNS?? WTF ALL THESE HOODIES??: Nolan and Margaux break my heart by feuding before they realize that the two most fabulous people on the show have to be allies and join forces against Louise. Speaking of, Louise continues her spiral into crazytown with the world’s most terrifying Pinterest board. Daniel is maybe possibly growing a few brain cells and is definitely continuing to crush on Emily. Jack continues to be the world’s most boringly noble police officer, and David breaks up with his daughter sparkly vampire style so he can get his reveeeenge on New Anonymous Villain / continue to sleep with Victoria. In the absence of deep-underwater near-suffocation therapy, Emily turns to some light torture to help her through this emotional time.

 

The Chicest Blondes in Town (Sorry, Emily)

You guys! At the beginning of the episode Margaux and Nolan formally declared their enmity in the time-honored Revenge ritual: leaning purposefully against the nearest horizontal surfaces, glaring at each other, and talking in Batman voices. My heart! How could I choose which side to pledge my allegiance to?

Margaux’s Gucci dress with black-and-white art nouveau stripes are classically chic, and the earrings are such jaunty little accessories. At first I was going to complain that the long sleeves and high neck would be stifling in the Hamptons in summer (it... is still summer on this show, right?), but then I remembered that Margaux’s so rich she probably has someone to tote around a personal air conditioner wherever she goes, so: complaint withdrawn, Margaux remains flawless.

 

Of course, Nolan makes a solid case for his side as well. Three collars and a nautical theme, just as in days of yore!

The seahorse pattern on the button-front shirt brings out the salmon tone of the polo shirt perfectly, and get the little pop of lilac on the underside of the placket! That’s the kind of attention to detail that makes Nolan such a compelling candidate. On the other hand, he lacks Margaux’s ability to suss out a psychopath (and always has: remember his past relaysh with Crazypants Tyler, Crazypants Patrick, Incredibly Boring Padma ET AL)

 

While Margaux intends to destroy Louise for last week's attempted-murder-via-sauna scenario, Nolan, having never met a psychopath he did not immediately find charming (see above re: Tyler, as well as his continuing loyalty to the fab-yet-sociopathic Ems), thinks she’s a peach.

You can’t really see much of Louise’s eggplant dress here (it’s being blocked by the mandatory cleave shot), but it goes very nicely with her red hair, and you can see why Nolan would be charmed.

 

He'd probably be less charmed had he seen this furious debate with her (imaginary) mother earlier in the episode. Real talk: I can’t wait for Nolan to find out about Louise’s Mommy Dearest, because then he will come up with a punny nickname for her and I won’t have to type out a complicated explanation of Louise’s delusions every recap.

Until then, I will just note that Louise may have inherited her ability to wear jewel tones from her mother—love the cobalt blue on them both—but someone really needs to take Mommy Dearest aside and explain to her that dress silhouettes have changed since 1987. Except she's imaginary so we need to offer the memo to Louise's subconscious, I guess?

 

Nolan does at least find The World’s Creepiest Pinterest Page on Louise’s tablet.

Nightmares forever.

At this, thank heavens, he finally comes to his senses and decides to ally with Margaux against Louise, single-handedly preventing YKYLF from being torn apart in a bloody civil war of Eurochic Parisian pixie cuts against neo-WASP Nantucket red deck trousers.

 

David Clarke, Sparkley Vamp

Meanwhile in another part of The Hamps, David and Emily attempt to hash out twenty years of emotional family baggage as Victoria unplugs her heart monitor or fakes a seizure every five minutes to keep Emily from turning David against her. Or they’re attacked by ninja doctors. It’s always something.

You will recall that last week’s episode ended with Victoria being struck down by God for her lies or accidentally electrocuted by a plot device, depending on who you ask. David rushes straight to the hospital in the ambulance, begging Victoria to survive, but Emily Thorne, stone-cold badass, shrugs her shoulders and heads home to change before she mosies on over.

She doesn’t even break out a good outfit for Victoria’s sickbed! She’s just like, “Nope, standard immaculate camel coat and a rag & bone tank, that’s the best this bitch is gonna get.”

 

She does take the time to stop and do her nails though, which is somehow even colder.

“Oh, it looks like Victoria might not make it? That’s too bad. Hey, do you think metallic or matte with this outfit?”

 

So then, she and David talk about how Victoria went out of her way to ruin baby Amanda’s life and David’s all “That was totally a misunderstanding, how she paid that psychiatrist to brainwash you,” and Emily talks about how she dedicated her life to clearing David’s name and punishing his enemies.

David: "Oh my gosh, when I left you those journals that outlined in painstaking detail the way every single person I knew had betrayed me, you thought I wanted you to get revenge? Oh nooooo, this is so awkward, I wanted you to forgive them, I thought you were gonna need all that detail for all the forgiveness you were gonna do. It feels like we’re on a TV show called Forgive, am I right?"

 

Poor Emily is so heartbroken that for comfort she has to turn to a big cuddly sweater and Daniel Grayson.

Daniel is really turning over a new leaf since he’s learned the truth! Remember how it used to be that he’d just automatically believe the last person who spoke to him, whoever it was? Now he's able to hold grudges against people and refuse to believe them for entire episodes at a time. He’s also crushing hardcore on Emily since he realized what a badass ninja she is like, join the club, dude.

Not gonna lie, he’s her least boring prospective love interest at the moment, and I could definitely be persuaded to ship it.

 

Speaking of badass revenge(!!!) ninja Emily . . . 

David gets attacked by a group of doctor ninjas, and Emily comes flying in out of nowhere to kick their asses and then gaze up at David all, “Are you proud of me, Daddy?”

 

But he's TOTALLY NOT! He tells her that the doctors work for the guy who broke him out of prison, who is even worse than Conrad (which, ugh, the last time they broke that descriptor out was for The Initiative, and I think we can all agree we don’t want to go back down that road again). And then he tells her he has to take care of New Nameless Villain on his own, and that they must stay apart for her own good.

David Clarke! You can only use that line when you are a tortured vampire breaking up with your underage high school girlfriend, not when you’ve just been reunited with the daughter who dedicated her life to you! (You know he mostly did it so he can keep boning Victoria.)

 

But hey, at least Ems has a red hot poker and a ninja doctor to keep her occupied in the meantime.

 

See you next time when Team Blonde Glamour destroys Louise. Hopefully by then David will have realized not to turn his back on the daughter who knows 200 ways to kill a man.

Monday
Nov172014

Revenge: Contact

This week on GREY'S HAMPTONS ANATOMY: After last week's slight electrocution scenario, Vicky G's pulling her usual melodrama as the world's evillest hospital invalid. Jack's getting flirty looks from the new FBI agent in town, who just happens to be investigating the dude Charlotte killed. Emily and her Dad are at odds about her lack of concern for Victoria's life, then bond over their shared ninja skills, but ultimately he dumps her "for her own good." Meanwhile, Louise's antics become Fatal Attraction-adjacent with her shower surprise for Daniel. And all of our shipper dreams came true when Nolan teams up with Margaux (who he calls MARGIE) to bring down Chesty McCrazyboobs. And just when you think that's all that can be crammed into an hour of show, Emily trudges down into her Dexter dungeon to TORTURE A GUY WITH A RED HOT POKER LITERALLY.


Emily's Victoria's  David's Louise's Margaux's Target
Basically everyone on this show's got a vendetta against someone else. This week, the fabbest Frenchwoman on TV steps up to try and take down Chesty McCrazypants. She's not successful (yet) but I appreciate her trying.

Gala/Caper of the Week
None of either!! How long has it been since this show had a party? This is Revenge(!!!), not Sadface People Gaze Upon One Another In Business Casual Hour.

Nolan's Bon Mot
"Oh, no no no no no. Can't I just have a normal friend??"

Best Dressed
We're reaching the point in the season where I'm considering just giving this to Margaux permanently. I mean yes, her art nouveau secretary ensemble was simply gorge, but it's getting a little unfair how nobody else even gives her a run for her money anymore. Step it up, wardrobe department! 

Most Soapy Moment:
This one goes to Queen V's baller move of unplugging her heart rate monitor just in time to distract David from getting to talk with Emily. Am I the only one thinking she staged her own electrocution as well, for the same reason? BALLER MOVE.

Come back Wednesday to see what Constance has to say about this week's raspy-voiced confrontations and nautical looks.