Pretty Little Liars: Hot Water

Part 1 of 3: Who Wore it Better, the Leather edition

Not many outfit changes this week, probably because they were too busy bringing the dramz. While A continues to build a mystery, Paige tries to solve it. Poor kid has no idea what she's up against. And that includes a jealous Emily. In other news, Ezra is back! But Aria's got her secret kiss and he's got a kid and a mom who isn't stoked that he 1) knows about the kid and 2) dates a high schooler. Spencer is working her way through the stages of a breakup and seems to have moved on to the showering and not playing strip trivia stage. Cece skips town, Wilden is oddly obsessed with these girls and Ashley is a cop killer. NBD. This this a quiet week in Rosewood.

So many leather jackets this week, I almost thought we'd landed in an episode of Vampire Diaries. Except in Rosewood, each lady likes to mix it up with different shades and cuts. Aria kicks off the episode bringing it back to black, a small mercy considering everything else she had going on this episode.

Considering we can't really see the leggings, I'll call this the most sane teenage outfit she's ever worn. The coloured widgets on her oversized bag keeps it from being boring, as does the giant scarf. 

Em, on the other hand, is working a decidedly more retro look.

And by "retro", I mean I'm being nice and she's somehow gone mullet rock fan on us with denim that has leather sleeves. I don't want to get Canadian on all y'all, but this is what you find at the Tim Hortons after a Trooper concert in the 1980s. Just ask Robin Sparkles.

It really doesn't get better when the jacket comes off.

It's a plaid vest. VEST. 1992 called and it wants its vest back. Oh Ems. I've got some advice for you: pick a decade and stick with it. And once you've done that, ignore your decision, because clearly this isn't working. Which is too bad. I might have otherwise said something nice about the floral cut-outs on your sleeves making an ordinary henley interesting, but no. You had to wear a plaid vest and that's a no-no 'round these here parts. 

Her ladyfriend Paige is doing a much better job with the leather, even if it is a bit of a grey overload.

The grey leather is a bit bulky on her and she does look a bit monotone, but compared to Emily, this is fantastic. And the long chains jazz up the outfit a bit. As does her facial expression. Girlfriend is throwing some serious shade on her costume store summer fling.

Is it her sudden inability to cooperate and pony up the names of who rented the costume? Is it her attempt to wear a racer back tank better than Emily? Is it the seasonal inappropriateness of the tank top?

Maybe it's all of the above. But you know things aren't working with your outfit when Paige judges. Because girlfriend is on the fast track to Emilytown. Just look oversized grey jersey! 

Please. I swear she used to dress better than this. 

Wearing a much lighter shade of grey with her boho chic is sketchy town skipper CeCe.

The flowy shirt under the jacket is a bit much when it comes to length. It's just so unflattering, but everything else is so very CeCe and I love it on her. The jacket gives the top some much needed structure, and the boots? Killer. (Heh. Fashion foreshadowing?)

Oh, hey Ashley! We were just talking about killers. When Mrs. Marin returns to the scene of the crime with her teenage daughter (as you would), Hanna brings it with her brown leather jacket with wide lapels.

I don't love the t-shirt, but I'm going to give it a pass as Hanna wasn't expecting to go out and look for a potentially dead detective. She really just wanted to chill out with some tunes.

Sometimes I forget they're teenage girls, what with all the killing and more killing and missing bodies in their lives. I'm sure everything will be peachy for the Marins and no one will get their hands on that police camera.

At least she'll be wearing a great leather jacket when the recording is texted to her along with a menacing message. 

Pretty Little Liars: Out of the Frying Pan into the Inferno

Part 3 of 3: Requiem of a Spencer Hastings

After finding a photo of CeCe in the notebook, Emily seeks more information from She Who Dresses Like a Bag Lady.

CeCe reveals that Ali thought she was preggers with "Beach Hottie," which is, like, a HUGE BOMB.

"What, you didn't know that?"

Well, at least her hair looks pretty PLL-tastic.

Now we come to the part of the show where Hanna tries to follow Caleb and Paige and ends up in a lesbian bar.

There, she discovers Paige is with... ANOTHER ETHNICALLY AMBIGIOUS LESBIAN WHO DRESSES BADLY.

Paige looks pretty hot in her knee-high socks and lace-up boots. But WTF is she doing with Shana from the Pretty Dirty Secrets webseries?

And what is Shana wearing? A pink burn out floral top? Is there some kind of rulebook that lesbians in Rosewood can't dress well? I don't know the answers, but I do know that all you need to know about Shana: BAD NEWS and most likely, KNOWS A.

Of course, Hanna is the worst spy/pretend lesbian on earth, and gets in the middle of a couple's quarrel. Then gets arrested for underage drinking.

All I know is that if Spencer were here, NONE of this would be happening.

Instead, Spencer chooses to be at home, drunk texting. Okay, no real evidence that she is, in fact, drinking. I have no idea what's in that glass, but it does look fizzy. Also - she has not changed ALL DAY. There's trouble ahead, friends.

She arranges to meet someone tonight and fixes herself up the best she can. But she's losing it. Even her lipstick isn't on properly. All signs point to: BITCH CRAZY.

Spece arrives at the diner (another favorite rendezvous spot), looking pretty red. I mean, all the components are there: make up, Theory dress, accessories. But it just isn't working. Toby has really done a number on her.

Or has he? Because Spencer Mothereffing Hastings has hired a Creepy Private Investigator straight from Central Casting to follow her ex-boyfriend and find out what the "A" key is for. Ha! That's my girl!

Back at the police department, Emily hands over Ali's notebook to Detective Wilden despite Hanna's objections (yeah, duh). Too bad he was at the same place as Ali during the summer she died:

I guess loud board shorts were mandatory that summer?

After the news of being a dad, Ezra and his khaki jacket makes a dramatic departure from Rosewood.

Yeah, okay. We'll live.

Ezra breaks up with Aria, taking one from the Troian Bellasario acting handbook...

...and leaving Aria, dramatically, in the middle of the street.

Although I've never approved of this relationship from the beginning, I couldn't help but feel kind of sad that it's ended. Especially because basically three PLL relationships (if you include Paige cheating) are kind of done. But knowing that Ezria is a neverending cycle of "break-up-make-up," my sadness is short-lived and a little under five seconds.

Also, those boots are not as flattering as she thinks they are.

We get another peek into A's lair and see that A really does love her dolls. More specifically, mini Bratz dolls.

It gets better, however, because A has four Liars bobbleheads in hideous clothing. Like, why is Spencer wearing a J.Crew wedding dress? And why is Aria dressed like a hooker?

Hanna's bobblehead is (naturally) the best dressed. I mean, look at that fierce stance. So, of course, THIS is bound to happen:

Come on, A. Don't hate the playa, hate the game

So, what does this mean for the future of Hanna and the girls? Is something going to happen to Caleb? Will Hanna be the next one to have a Spencer Hastings breakdown? Is Detective Wilden the baby daddy of Ali's possible unborn child? Is Paige's new girlfriend an A suspect? And what does the A key open? Will Ezra ever return to Aria?

SO MANY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

Except the Ezra/Aria question. LOL. Come on. Let's be serious.

Pretty Little Liars: Single Fright Female

Part 2 of 3: The Never-ending Trunk Show

CeCe, old new Queen Bee, returns to put on a trunk show (unclear as to why this is relevant and why this is happening at all... #pllproblems) and has Spencer and the girls volunteer. Unfortunately, for someone who screams White Girl from the Big City, she decides today to dress like a Sassy, Black Woman:

Oh, don't worry. It gets much worse.

Off the shoulder, open back, flowy sleeves. CeCe, why don't you just add an asymmetrical hem and call it a day?

CeCe DOES prove to be useful, however, even if not in the fashion arena. She reveals that Paige and Allison used to have it out for each other to the point where Paige earned the nickname, "Pigskin."

Our Paige??? Our sweet, sweet, Paige???

Yep, totally believe it. Bitch is Pigskin. And bitch MAD. She about to take her hoop earrings off and shit.

Spencer begins to remember details about Pigskin and things start to turn bright and glowy. Which means....

HEFTY HANNA!

And ARIA DRESSED LIKE A TRAINWRECK! (Seriously though, WTF)

Good to know I can always count on those two.

What I CAN'T count on is Nate's consistency. Didn't he used to dress preppy? Now, he's dressed as if Abercrombie and Fitch got into a fight with Urban Outfitters at Coachella.

He's even starting fights with newspapers:

I'm really concerned... about the newspaper's well-being. Also about the fact that Nate's gay-dar is set to OFF.

Fortunately, Emily sets him straight and blows him off after he boards a plane from Crazyville to Asshole City.

Emily also boards that same flight when Spencer tells her that Paige may be involved in the Alison's grave fiasco.

Here, we get to see a better glimpse of Spencer's heeled Jeffrey Campbell oxfords and Emily's loafers, which are both pretty incredible. I choose to ignore the white leggings though.

Hanna meets Jenna at her usual spot (top of the stairs at the Rosewood High entrance, of course) to tell her that the thumb drive has been discovered. Jenna, per usual, is eating a snack that requires extra clean up (see: pistachio crop circles in Season 3 Episode 2).

I mean, there are a lot of other snacks that don't have pits or shells, Jenna... JSYK.

Though, I AM loving the leopard belt she adds to her black dress. And of course, the black-and-white polka dot nails with pink outline:

NAILGASM.

Unfortunately, a bitch who can see is still a BITCH who can see.

Back at the trunk show (yeah, remember that is still happening?), Spencer goes into the dressing room to change and...

There is a MOTHERF**ING SNAKE in this MOTHERF**ING DRESSING ROOM!

And SHIT GETS REAL(-ER than last week).

While Hanna comes to Spencer's rescue in a cute raccoon print tank...

...Wesley Fitzgerald comes to Aria's rescue in a generic purple polo and khakis.

He tries to comfort Aria about Ezra, but clearly has some sneaky ulterior motives. Like getting into her abs adorbz floral dress.

Ugh. Aria. Don't. Don't fall for his WASP-y, generic Polo shirt tricks. You're better than that!

"But am I, really?"

No, you're not. GAWWWWDD, Aria. Why don't you take the crazy train to Delaware and find Wesley's ex-girlfriend and meet Wesley's illegitimate son too!?!?

UGH. CRY ME A G-D RIVER.

Pretty Little Liars: Single Fright Female

Part 3 of 3: BUY TRESEMME DRY SHAMPOO

Meanwhile, at the trunk show (seriously, is this thing ever gonna happen or what?), CeCe delegates duties in a smoking red dress and simple black accessories.

She also delegates dresses to Spencer and Hanna, who both don't look spectacular. Spencer's Anthropologie lace dress is sexy funeral attire (to be clear, not a good thing) and Hanna's wearing a Yumi Kim dress more suited for the beach. Or solving murders. Whatever.

I didn't realize how choppy and kinda horrible Hanna's hair looked until CeCe cleverly offered her TRESemme dry shampoo.

GASP! Blatant product placement in Pretty Little Liars! Horrendous! WHY THE EFF WOULD THEY DO THAT TO IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG WOMEN?!?! I MEAN, DO THEY THINK WE'RE DUMB ENOUGH NOT TO KNOW THAT WE'RE BEING SUBCONSCIOUSLY TAPPED BY CONSUMER AMERICA?!?!

Buy TRESemme Dry Shampoo.

Emily brings Paige with her, making Spencer feel SUPER comfortable.

Damn, Hastings. Sure, Pigskin is tough. Tried to drown Emily, possibly kicked Ali's back and likes to violently throw Chinese food into trash cans. But Spencer Hastings has done some crazy stuff too. LIKE, dated her sister's boyfriends. And, plagiarized. And tried to have sex with her boyfriend who wasn't havin' it. And stuff.

Whatever! She is still 100% BAMF.

While Emily goes off to try on a sexy Max and Cleo dress with Paige...

...Spencer and Hanna find this in Paige's bag:

Too easy, Writers' of PLL. Too easy. I won't fall for any red herrings earrings.

Meanwhile at Ezra's apartment, Aria makes it back in time from Delaware to cry to Wes, change, make an entire dinner and eat an entire dinner. If this were real life, it would be 3am.

Despite time technicalities, Aria looks absolutely perfect in her black-and-orange peplum dress. Not sure WHY she had to change (Wes is still wearing the same thing)...

I even love that geometric square necklace.

Puppy dog eyes + The Rachel + geometric necklace + Jelly Wes in the background = ME LIKE-Y.

ME ALSO LIKE-Y THIS:

Perfect-Date-Night-With-Pastor-Ted Dress.

Also, Perfect-Destroying-Thumb-Drive-Holding-Incriminating-Evidence Dress as well.

A standing ovation goes to the Marin girls for always using kitchen appliances to destroy electronics and dressing cute while doing so. As difficult as curing cancer.

Welcome back to The Real L Word: Rosewood, PA. Emily and Paige sit on the porch, mirroring an almost exact night Emily shared with Nate... and what good came out of that? Hasn't Emily learned anything from the last episode?

Paige sure has. She's learned that sitting on Emily's porch and crying your eyes out means one thing: she's gonna get some.

Ugh. Even if this girl isn't part of the A-Team, she sure is T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I mean, for God sakes, Emily, can't you see the crazy in front of you? OR ARE YOU BLIND?!?

...

Eek. Didn't see you come in, Jenna.

Jenna rushes to Emily's house to warn her about "the people she spends time with." Who? Paige? Likely. Nate? More likely. Both? Most likely.

Also, can we even trust Jenna? Sure, she's wearing a pretty floral scarf and has impossibly soft-looking hair. But Jenna being nice is creepier than Paige and Nate being Paige and Nate.

Ughhh. I liked it better when she was blind.

Jenna rushes out quickly in a cab to... leave Rosewood? No one leaves Rosewood! The only things PLL characters ACTUALLY leave Rosewood for are fake pregnancies, MMA fighting and Harmony Korlne movies starring James Franco!!!

...Or to pass secret keys in front of jukeboxes. Interesting.

Clearly, the writers are pushing Paige BIG TIME as a possible A suspect. Which I'd agree with if being A was dependent on how badly you dressed. Although she is crazy, violent and obsessed with one of the Liars, any of the other characters could be suspects. What about CeCe and her secret insight on the girls? Or Nate with his ambiguous (possibly not blood) relationship with Maya? Or Ezra/Wren (pretty interchangeable) with their Liar-dating habits/secret children?

What do you guys think? Who do YOU think has signed up for the crAy-Team? 

Pretty Little Liars: The Kahn Game

Part 2 of 2: Just tryin' to get some action

Typical Ashley work outfit, except she's got her "my-daughter-ain't-going-to-jail" look on her face.

Gorgeous. Freakin' gorgeous. This color was completely and utterly and amazeballs on Ash. The slightly messy but wavy side bun was the perfect complement. I can't believe Ted didn't go in for the kill sooner. Dayyum. 

So I thought Cece worked at some little boutique store? I would have thought she would dress better.  The oversize top does not work with the flare pant. And I know this is an itty-bitty picture, but I didn't want to put you through the pain of looking at her top up close--it looked like it was that tacky, itchy, glitterly material. Eww. 

This was not much better. I get that the python print on this Equipment dress makes it a little more hip and fun, but this is what you wear to a house party filled with people you went to high school with? Did I mention that Cece is only 22? 

Another confirmation that denim and twill minis are back in action. Jenna's Guess? top is fun, but I guess when you're in high school, a denim mini is still your go-to. 

 

Hello, Noel. Lovely to see you. Not. 

Hello, Noel's older brother Eric. Lovely to see you. Yes. 

While Eric's intentions/motives do not seem pure, he doesn't have that creepiness factor that Noel's face seems to have. Welcome to Rosewood, new boy. 

So we didn't learn a lot about Ezra's little bro-Wes, but we do know that the Fitzgerald boys share the same style. Well put-together, classic pieces. What is your story Wesley??

Perhaps we'll find out next week. Or maybe we'll be distracted by some more new characters. Come to Rosewood - there's room for all!