Pretty Little Liars: The Lady Killer

Part 1 of 3: Love is a Battlefield

When I found out that 'I. Marlene King' would be writing this episode, I tweeted that shit would be going down. And I knew she would deliver the goods. Not only did we discover that Toby is working with Mona, but it turns out that Nate was totally crazy (big surprise) and not above a serial killer-inspired kidnapping. There was a veritable feast of dramz in this episode. I don’t think anyone was spared. Even Ezra got a taste when Mags showed up at the door to find Aria shacking up with the literary dreamboat and not caring for children, or whatever her cover story was this week. Waiting for the fall premiere is going to be totes tedious.

A night sky lit by ambulance lights and misty moonlight while the tears of a distraught woman ring through the air? Yeah, that’s definitely a natural start to a Pretty Little Liars episode. How did this turn into Gossip Girl meets Twin Peaks overnight?

Hanna Marin, you’ve got your ugly cry down, girl. But why is she crying? Is someone hurt? Or even dead? Or worse yet – did they run out of Tresemme!?

Emily’s not looking so hot right now, either... ALRIGHT ABC FAMILY, YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION. Now let’s fix this flash forward business. Effective as it may be for a suspense building device, I’m confused and impatient and, at the time of watching the episode, running out of wine. 

OK, after a brief glimpse of total teen tragedy, we’re starting from the beginning. The PLLers want to have an intervention of sorts for Emily regarding the potentially murderous Paige. Naturally it’s before school when they all look impeccable for 8-ish in the morning. Their strategy was to serve the warm fuzzies before Spencer dropped the truth. But in true PLL fashion, they jumped the gun and the warm fuzzies consisted of, “Good morning. Want some coffee? Stay the hell away from Paige.” – so gradual. 

Um, can we chat for a moment about Paige’s wardrobe choices? Granted she’s never been on the same level as our main girls, but this weird 80s aerobics aesthetic she’s aiming for is so far off the mark, she may as well be the new blind character. That pink window-slat back should just be boarded up.

Ugh. Look at these two. We get it, you’re all up in each other’s business. If the public displays of loyalty/affection weren’t enough, a little window seat snuggle is served to seal the deal. Did you know Paige and Emily have matching braids now? It’s a little more official since they’re using their own bodies to celebrate the love they have so I guess they’re just a little more in love than you are...

Of course, she’s not our only girl whose love life is feeling the A-strain. Resident pixie-dream girl Aria has to go up against the original secret keeper, Maggie aka Alex Mack. Granted she’s not morphing into a puddle anytime soon, but I bet Nickelodeon never had “false abortion” as a storyline. Sit down Aria, and respect the queen of secrets. 

Also, Maggie, how ‘effing cute is your look right now? The Etsy-ish red rope necklace pops so much against that rich blue, I’m almost in tears. I guess working with children gives you a sincere appreciation of primary colours. Match that with her pixie haircut and Maggie is totes fashionable. Are we sure there’s nothing between her and Fitzy? 

Cute and bold she may be, but Maggie will never win over this boy’s heart while Aria’s around. Case in point: this amazing sheer orange polka-dot top belted with a metallic (?) leopard print scarf. I may have put a preaching hand up and let out an “mmhmm” when I laid eyes upon this sexy update to the 50s housewife look. Trust.

Hey hey hey, Rosewood just added a few more abs to its population. Toby is back and just in the nick of time; I haven’t seen any solid Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness in what feels like forever. The Twilight-y reunion he and Spencer have in the middle of the street felt a little forced, but I’m mostly dead on the inside so I’m sure y’all found it to be slightly heartwarming.

Yeah, you did! Go get you some, girl (and thanks)!