Part 1 of 3: The Secret World of Ezra's High School Girlfriend
A snake. Girls crying. Alex Mack. An impossibly long day. Can this episode get ANY BETTER?! Paige is shoved into the A-light after being revealed as one of Ali's enemies while Nate turns Fifty Shades of Cray getting into fights with newspapers and once-blind girls. And these are just the guest stars. Aria continues to make her own life worse by meddling, only to discover that Ezra has a son and once dated Alex Mack. This causes Aria major anxiety because obvi, Alex Mack > Aria. Eek. Emily continues to spend time with the two most suspicious characters thus far: one who almost drowned her and one who is "related" to her dead ex-girlfriend. Yikes. Oh, and what are Hanna and Spencer doing? Oh, you know, only TRYING TO TAKE DOWN THE PEOPLE RUINING THEIR LIVES. Gawd, girls... where are your priorities?
After Hanna inexplicably stabs her own leg at the Kahn Cabin, she tries to find something long enough to cover up the bandage.
Ugh. Don't you hate it when you have nothing to wear to cover up a stab wound you inflicted yourself? #pllproblems
Hanna still looks pretty cute for being a self-shanking victim. She continues to dodge Spencer's questions about Wren ("Downtown Grabby") in this breezy pink sleeveless top.
Which is really only cute because of the gold tip collars.
Regrettably, she matches it with:
Not even worth discussing.
What else that's not worth discussing is Wren. I mean, this season has, like, fifty new characters... how is Wren STILL relevant?
Apparently he still is to Spencer as well, who feels the need to discuss this with Hanna right before school thus beginning the longest day in history (are days in Rosewood 30 hours long?). Luckily, she fits in with the room decor in her super cute pink-and-white chevron dress and black patent belt.
Pastor Ted comes by to drop off a thumb drive he found at church (Wren, take notes. THIS is how you stay relevant on the show.), which is the same drive Spencer gave to Ian in the season one finale.
Ashley looks put-together as always, even in this boring black dress.
Fashion Pet Peeve Alert: Why does Ted feel the need to wear a short-sleeve henley over a long-sleeve shirt? Obviously, it's not cold in Rosewood right now (based on the fact that Hanna doesn't own knee-length skirts).
Back to (It's Still) Statutory Rape, USA, Aria surprises Ezra with flowers for his birthday.
Aria's hair looks absolutely fantastic. She may be wearing the bejeezus out of The Rachel but she is NAILING IT.
Unfortunately, Grumpy Pants is only concerned about Maggie and the fact that her life might be ruined by his mother and the--blah blah blah blah blah. Can they just end this storyline already? It's almost as unnecessary as Ella Montgomery and that "hipster-before-it-was-cool" barista. Moving on.
In the aftermath of the gross, salty Nate-Emily kiss, Emily struggles to tell Paige what happened in a bright yellow tie-top and sparkly black loafers.
While Emily moves her face around, she doesn't realize that, well, PAIGE WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED.
"Uh yeah, I was, bitch."
She is surprisingly okay with the kiss (A! A! A! A! A!!!) and they walk happily to school together. Unfortunately, that means we're forced to see the rest of Paige's outfit.
LORD ALMIGHTY. I don't get it. I just DON'T GET IT. I imagine a whiteboard somewhere in the PLL wardrobe department that reads, "Newsies + WILL.I.AM." God, there are SO MANY THINGS WRONG here:
1) Suspenders not actually used as suspenders.
2) 18th Century breeches. According to Wikipedia, also worn in the 17th Century. Hmmm.
3) Emily being the better dressed of the two.
An even better dressed duo comes in the form of SPARIA as they discuss Ezra's "White Boy Problems." So, is this before school as well? Has class even begun yet? I need a copy of these girls' class schedules. Because all I imagine are a lot of free blocks and Ella Montgomery's English class.
In terms of accessories, Aria finally takes Coco Chanel's advice seriously ("...take off one piece of jewelry before I leave the house..."). Of course, Aria has to take off 6 pieces of jewelry to actually make it work. But she does. Oh, she SURE DOES:
Her statement ring, minimal bracelets and gorgeous gold earrings. Don't even get me started on her super cute dress. More details on that to come.
Sidenote: one thing that really bothers me about Aria is that she never takes responsibility for her actions. You know, little things like dating her teacher, destroying her dad's office and wearing feather earrings post-2008. Until now.
Spencer: Why is Ezra still thinking about his high school girlfriend?
Aria: Probably because I pushed him to.
To resolve the situation, Aria comes up with the brilliant idea to visit Maggie (I guess she skips school for this?) to which Spencer replies, "No, that is a terrible idea."
Sigh. How can we blame her? She IS the only one of the girls who dated Noel Kahn, which doesn't exhibit great judgment. But great judgment comes in different forms. Like for example, styling one of the best outfits of this entire episode.
I hereby take back all the times I've referred to Aria as: Hot Mess, Accessories Whore and "WTF IS SHE THINKING?!" Girl. Because, she has nailed this outfit. Unique floral dress, bold elephant belt and an effortless cardigan thrown on top. Perfect for an ex-girlfriend snoop.
Too bad her incredible outfit can't change the fact that Maggie is not only a cute, perky teacher with a graduate degree but also ALEX MOTHERF**KING MACK.
How cute are you! Great, vintage-y Anthropologie top and bold gold accessories (unlikely childproof but I mean, how important is that REALLY).
And, sorry, girl. She is pulling The Mia Farrow way better than you are pulling The Rachel.
Things can't get any possibly worse... right? How much worse can it get than your boyfriend's ex being able to morph into liquid form on command?
Apparently a lot worse. Like Secret Son worse.
Chin up, Aria. Take comfort in the fact that you are the ONLY ONE who stirred the Ezra-Maggie-Son pot and totally moved this entire storyline yourself. SLOWWWWWW CLAP.