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Friday
Jul032015

Pretty Little Liars: She's No Angel

Take Care of Your Good China: Part 1 of 2

You guys, they’re just straight up messing with us at this point. The piles on piles of creepy dolls in that junk yard? That other creepy doll floating in the murky bathwater at Radley? The girl from The Ring that Sia video in the cold open? Pretty Little Liars is just nightmare fuel at this point. Luckily, all of our girls have at least one fantastic outfit this week—except for Emily, who’s channeling all of her style energy into ill-advised tattoo choices.

 

Real talk, I am not in love with this Ring-style cold open. PLL takes place in a Hitchcock/film noir universe, no? Japanese horror is a tonal mismatch.

Plus, Spencer’s dream outfit is totally blah. Conscious Spencer Hastings has not worn a heather-gray T-shirt for non-exercise purposes since the second grade, and no one will ever convince me otherwise. Unconscious Spencer Hastings needs to get on that level.

 

But she redeems herself the next day, I assume because she knew Hanna was about to break out the big guns and wanted to make sure she wasn’t outdone.

Look at these two flaw-free queens. From the buckle of Spencer’s waist-cinching belt to the saffron-yellow strap of Hanna’s Cambridge satchel, every single detail is on point.

 

And check out Spencer’s boots!

No one does equestrian like this girl.

 

Post-Dollhouse Hanna has given up on her grunge phase to return to her Homecoming Queen fashion roots, and I have to say, I am all in favor of it.

The black crop top keeps the pineapples and matching bag and oversized beads from getting too twee, but there’s still way more whimsy in this outfit than she was giving us this time last season.

 

Between the two of them, they determine that (a) they have to break into Radley to see if they can confirm the official DeLaurentis “Charles is totally dead, for real” story, and (b) Spencer is high af off her single pot cookie. Sadly, they downgrade the hell out of their outfits for this mission.

Props to Hanna for her fierce leather jacket, but why the extraneous zippers on the pants? We were doing so well at moving past the pretentious grunge phase! Spencer’s Victorian nightie of a dress is at least on theme for Radley’s brand of Victorian gothic horror, but it’s also shapeless and unflattering.

 

Meanwhile, Emily has decided that Sara has to get legally emancipated from your mother. Find your chill, Emily. You met this girl like two days ago. You don’t know if her mother is anywhere near as bad as she says.

This outfit is the Emily standard: nothing special, just nondescript enough to avoid pulling focus from her perfect face. Bonus points for that dangly pendant.

 

She fancies things up a little with her off-the-shoulder T, but her main focus once Sara’s paperwork goes through is on a more permanent accessory.

Oh, Em. This is a terrible idea. Here are the cardinal rules for getting a tattoo: (1) Do not do it on a whim. (2) Under no circumstances get a tattoo in a language you cannot read. If you’re lucky it will be gibberish; if you are unlucky it will say “tofu.” And the Japanese character for bravery? Come on, Emily, that’s just tacky.

 

Meanwhile, Aria’s keeping things Aria with her new love interest/mentor, Clark the photographer.

Bonus points to Clark for a shirt with a whimsical pattern and a decent fit; minus points for the baggy camo pants. Aria’s bib top is not a flattering shape for anyone (am I nuts or is it giving her boobs a unibrow?), but I do like that shade of pink on her.

 

They head off to be pretentious at the local junk yard, where they make a shocking discovery: Rosewood’s trash consists entirely of creepy dolls. Just one creepy doll piled on top of another, that’s all their garbage is, with the occasional nightmarish clown statue thrown in for variety but mostly just creepy old-time-y dolls.

I hope Aria takes comfort in her jacket. That rich chocolate brown and perfect fit should make up for any number of glassy-eyed horror show doll parades.

 

But it’s nowhere near as good as the outfit she breaks out the next day. This sweet little skater dress with the vibrant stripes? I am in love.

And she can take comfort in finding this week’s Clue! Clark accidentally snaps a shot of A in profile, proving that A . . . is a girl.

Friday
Jul032015

Pretty Little Liars: She's No Angel

Who Gives a Crap What You Think, You Bag of Hair? Part 2 of 2

After her two years in the Dollhouse Sara is still working her way up to 2010 fashion, this week via the ‘80s.

The tied-off button-up/ripped skinny jeans combo is very Dirty Dancing, but it works with her haircut.

 

But come on, Sara, did you have to lead the ill-advised tattoo charge? The ill-advised lower back tattoo charge, no less? 

The rest of the outfit is fine, it’s whatever, but I can’t get behind impulse tattoos. Impulse emancipations are also maybe not such a hot idea, for that matter.

 

Meanwhile, Ali spends most of this week sulking in her house.

You can tell she’s sulking because that’s a sweatshirt, and Alison DeLaurentis, former Queen of Rosewood High, would never. (The sweatshirt has a rose on it, btw. Those of you following Rosewatch 2k15, make a note.)

 

She does spruce herself up a bit when the new cop/statutory rapist comes to visit. That shade of royal blue is great with her new darker hair.

There’s also a bit where they try to sell us on the idea that Lorenzo is close to Alison’s age, which, they maybe shouldn’t have used the only member of their teen cast who’s actually played by a teenager to try that line on. Lorenzo’s gotta be what, in his mid to late twenties? Sasha Pieterse is nineteen and looks it.

 

Ali might be having an off week, but Mona is definitely up to something. Her accessories say so.

Those shades say, “I have schemes to scheme and plots to plot.”

 

And the beret says, “I am weaving a spider’s web of deception and intrigue.”

But what’s her plan? The show wants us to think she’s under Lesli’s sway, but I have to think that Mona’s secretly calling the shots here.

 

I mean, come on. Lesli’s in yellow. That’s only a power color if you play it as well as Hanna did this week. Lesli is not on that level.

And now that Spencer and Hanna have proven that Lesli did a stint at Radley, they’re onto her. And this early in the season, that means she’s definitely a red herring.

 

So if A is a girl, and Charles is dead, then who is A? And how does Charles fit into everything? Maybe A is Cece and she loved Charles and that’s why she became soul sisters/doppelgangers with Alison? Or A could be Wren in a wig and a padded bra, and it turns out that he’s actually Charles and he faked his own death! Or what if A is Sara, and her captivity in the Dollhouse was just a red herring of its own? Hit us up in the comments with your theories, and come back next week for more #SummerofAmbiguity. 

Wednesday
Jul012015

Pretty Little Liars: She's No Angel

The episode begins with a short Sia video. Wait, no, that's just the "Chandelier" dancer haunting Spencer's nightmares. Said nightmare leads Spencer and Hanna to investigate Radley (drink!) for evidence of Charles DiLaurentis. While there, they run into Mona, who's destroying Lesli Stone's records because Lesli was totally at Radley and totally roomed with Bethany Young, and now (some of) the Liars think that Lesli is A and is out for revenge or something? IDK, but I do know that the opening sequence was hella creepy, and that if Stoner!Spencer keeps inhaling brownies, she won't fit into her riding pants much longer.

 

Only in Rosewood
Meh, no real offenses to our real-world sensibilites, but Mr. DiLaurentis seems to have gone from Absentee Parent to World's Meanest Dad on the turn of a dime.

Return of a Minor Major Character
Dean the drug counselor, and Lesli Stone, who is revealed to have been a longtime resident of the Hotel Radley. (RADLEY. ALWAYS EFFING RADLEY.)

Best Outfit
Hanna's black and white Junior League meeting school outfit, punctuated with happy yellow pineapples and accessories.

Best A Message
No message, although Aria's would-be photog beau captured a photo of someone (a FEMALE someone) in a black hoodie. And since there is only one black hoodie in Rosewood, the gang desides it's Miss A.

Current A Suspect

Lesli? But no, I still think it's Charles (wearing a wig and a padded bra) and I won't think otherwise until I see a body. Seriously. I am, like, married to this theory.

 

Check back on Friday for Constance's theories and fashion takes!

Friday
Jun262015

Pretty Little Liars: Don't Look Now

Part 1 of 2: Searching for Hints, Wearing them Prints

 Y’all remember that Joe Budden track “Fire” and Busta comes on with the classic, “There’s some hoes in this house” line? I dunno, first thing that popped into my head when they said Andrew was released. I mean, at this point a lil hip-hop dance break could do the PLLers some good. They’re all as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Spencer’s even digging through the garbage for pills. I knew at some point she’d be the type to search through garbage, but not this early in her life. (Not) surprisingly, none of the girls want to talk about their feelings and would rather distract themselves by digging deeper into the unending pit of anxiety and danger that’s become their daily routine. Just start grave robbing and be done with it. 

 

Let’s just do a quick flashback to last week’s wardrobe since I’ve got all the gals in one room. Fellow YKYLF staffer Ann was totally on point with Hanna and Emily’s look. That tutu flare to the skirt and multi coloured chevron-like swish is exactly what Hanna should be wearing. You get a knowing nod and a curved lip smile. Emily, you get side-eye. Nothing fancy, just side-eye. You know why. 

 

After their lil catch-up sesh where Ali’s all, “Charles is dead” and Hanna’s all, “Get your shit together people lie to us every second of every day,” they all go home and hit the hay. Caleb’s waiting for Hanna when she arrives — and the next morning he’s also waiting like a slightly obsessed boyfriend who sat upright, fully awake in an uncomfortable chair all night. That said, I’m into this printed t-shirt. It’s a wild print but the thin lines in the black-and-white colour scheme look great on his toned, tan torso when are you going to take the damn shirt off, Caleb?

 

Papa DiLaurentis decides to spill all the T for Jason and Ali, and it ain’t cute. He confirms that Charles is “dead” and that he was institutionalized at Radley from the age of one. First of all, I get that the whole sanitarium thing is key to the entire plot of PLL, but it’s getting a little too convenient that Radley happens to be at center of everything. I mean, even Spencer says all roads lead to Radley. If it turns out that A was just some girl, interrupted chilling out with Charles and is getting some sort of revenge, I will burn this house to the ground.

On the fashion note, it’s beginning to makes sense why Ali’s dressing so much older than the rest of the crew. Look at the decor, the wingback chairs, Papa’s take it or leave it navy polo. This is the visual definition of sugar-free gum. 

 

Praise Mariah for these group shots because the one-on-ones with the full wardrobe and camera were not happening this week. I swear everyone sat down or hid behind a countertop this week. Anyway, feast your eyes on this all-you-can roast print buffet and be merry. Aria’s skirt looks like the opening credits to Nickelodeon cartoon, but that jacket is breathing life into my cynical bones. I love the black and white contrast and open flare design — it’s very esspensive. I’m into the turrquawwwwze bag as well, but I’d prefer if it had more structure to balance against the rest of her outfit.

Spencer’s actually giving you full Romper Room with that floral number and I ain’t mad one bit. I mean, she’s hiding it with that hideous coat but I know a good piece when I see it. Which is not that dumpster looking coat. No.

Emily, those leather sleeves are saving you from me unleashing a full reality check. The only woman who could pull that look off was Tai in Clueless and you know what? She’s dead now. Sorry, not sorry; not too soon. Don’t step her history and pretend you didn’t know nothin.

Correct me if I’m right, but Hanna’s sporting some pleated, high waisted, floral shorts and a creamy blue biker jacker. If she was selling something, I’d buy five. You know. She’s selling me this look, and I took out a line of credit to approve.

 

Spence. Hun. Let it go. When you’re ripping through compost and literally gagging to get your mitts on a handful of pills, I’m gonna suggest it’s time for a long look in the mirror and some sweaty, sleepless nights while you get off the junk.

 

Shout out to our new girl, Sara, who’s got a SUPER CUTE pixie cut and a pink drug rug to match. I never got the appeal of these gross burlapy baja hoodies, but she’s making it look passable. You can’t go wrong with a soft pink and a platinum dye job. 

With the girls fresh off their BandE and theft of Charles’ Radley records, they scrounging for new leads — and that leads them up to Ol’ Great Aunt Carol’s place.

Friday
Jun262015

Pretty Little Liars: Don't Look Now

Part 2 of 2: Finally, It Has Happened to Me (and Me, and Me)

 

Alison and Jason — who may or may not be wearing his dad’s polo from the previous scene — have a brother/sister moment and realize that Great Aunt Carol was a regular Radley visitor before she, like some many DiLaurentii before her, kicked the bucket. I have to say that Ali looks more her age in this lace top. Not to say that dressing older than your age is totally gross because I mean, you gotta do you, but it’s teen TV and I don’t get the motivation to keep her in plain ass threads while the others are centrefolding every day. 

 

Naturally, Ali and Jason are all, “Let’s go to our dead aunt’s house.” Before they leave, Jason has a bizarre flashback to Mama Di Laurentis tending the garden at Carol’s, but in a total creepshow style. BUT WHO CARES because her Kmart Mom couture is everything. The floral gloves and apron, with the callback in the floral handkerchief under her pastel pink button down? You can’t beat this with a bat, honey. 

 

I have to say, Ezra’s Place is still something I’m dealing with and the fact that he hired an actress from a Reefer Madness PSA is astounding. First off, his shirt? Nothing to write home about. Let’s see some more short sleevey numbers you obviously got at PacSun or Topman. 

 

OK, now for Sabrina. Gurl. She’s got the tousled locks wrapped under a bandanna, a peasant top, ugly arm party swag and she’s the pothead? Oh, but it’s medicinal? NOPE. I’m not putting one cent toward buying this bullshit. I know a narc when I smell a narc. Oh, and she's clumsy? YEAHOK.

 

While Spencer’s plotting to “score some dope” from your friendly neighbourhood pothead, Aria’s in the college dark room developing some very Myspace photos when she gets locked in, and spots a note from A. Admittedly, it’s unsettling but she’s sporting #allblackeverything (and would probably also tag #mua), so I wasn’t there for her look. But the handsome Clark? I’ll give him a moment in the sun! It’s a very art school confidential lewk, but he’s cute af so I ain’t coming for it.

 

Ali, Jason, Spencer and Hanna finally arrive at Aunt Carol’s to look for the potentially-alive Charles, and they spared no effort in the wardrobe. There’s something about oversized features on coats and jackets that’s giving me vapors these days. I love the colour of Spencer’s coat and that it looks like it’d stretch from Rosewood to Ravenswood if it was unfurled. But it’s nothing compared to Hanna’s riding instructor inspired garb. Sure, beige isn’t an earth shattering colour, but having it crop just above the waist so it’s only dropping hints as a crop top is marvelous. And I never said no to a knee high boot, especially in that gorgeous camel colour. 

 

Alison and Jason didn’t change, but they did add two fashionable jackets! The pearlescent pink leather jacket Alison’s wearing can’t be topped. I dare you to top it.The only way you can win this dare is if the jacket also had a wet bar inside. Jason’s jacket choice leaves much more to be desired but hey, maybe he wants to look like an Abercrombie boy from 2004.

 

After a lil' search around the house and grounds, the gang finds Charles’ headstone in the backyard. Again, Hanna refuses to believe and starts digging it up (c’mon graverobbing!), but Jason and Spencer stop her because they pulled out some Bill Nye knowledge about the age of the roots growing around the headstone. Personally, I don’t think Charles is dead. Or there even is a Charles. I think it’s Aria. I’ll defend this over a glass of wine three out of seven days a week. Call me.