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Friday
Jul242015

Pretty Little Liars: O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Part 1 of 2: Calm Down, Queen

I do not have time for these yard sale games. First, you’re gonna give me Charles — who just might be A — and then you tell me he hasn’t been missing forever because Mama D passed him off as a second-cousin named Freddie? Then, Hanna and Aria are blessed with pennies from heaven, except the source also funded Radley? But wait, you also gonna have the girls cut out their own tracking devices which they could not find for weeks rather than ask Spencer’s cop boyfriend for help? Oh that’s right, he’s too busy tripping balls over some laced gummies. Gurl. This episode was like Midnight Mass during Christmas — too much. (Oh, and if you want to watch along with me, I Periscope'd some of this nonsense.)

 

DiLaurentis Manor is now a satellite police station, complete with beat cops in plain clothes. Though I gotta say, that red chambray is doing this fella a world of good. Jason, on the other hand, is falling into that DiLaurentis pattern of having more money than you know how to buy clothes with and such. If he’s not dressed like a mannequin at a country club pro-shop, he’s giving you a baseball shirt look that only works when you’re 17 and ripped. If he just lost the shirt, 100 times better. 

 

Alright, this nosy girl, "Claire." It needs to stop. As far as the fashion, I’m alright with what I see; I’m not paying cover, but I’ll watch the opener. The pattern on the dress is cute and modern, but that drapey bolero should be used to start the fire that burns down Rosewood once and for all. Emily’s back is serving you her usual loose-fitting, athletic t-shirt from The Gap (or something). Not a feast for the eyes, but I’m nibbling. 

 

While Emily deals with this chick (who openly admits to wishing Sara was dead), the other three show up to Manse DiLaurs looking for Ali or Jason; anyone at this point. They know that Charles is after them, so they’re doing that loyal friend thing and letting him know. I think Aria borrowed that jacket from Emily — those leather sleeves are so Ems. Spencer looks surprisingly child-like in the sundress and cardigan. Remember when she’d wear weird animal print? Bring that shit back!

Oh, and while you’re back there, make sure this Tipper Gore red wool nightmare never gets made, so Hanna can never purchase it ever again. You can’t be anything of the US (PO or FLO) looking like my grandmother leaving a prayer group.

 

*SNACK TIME* Emily takes Sara and Sally Snoop to an offensively cute dessert place that’s conveniently between Rosewood and whatever backwater swap the other one’s from. I mean, of course there’s something like this close by. Why would they have to meet at a Starbucks on the side of a highway? Oh, and they’re sharing milk & cookies. No pie. No cake. No coffee. Milk & cookies. Fill in the blanks, kids. 

 

Sara, gurl, how long were you trapped in that well? She looks like a Marie Claire covergirl from 1988. Michelle Phillips will never die with this queen on the prowl and I'm in heaven. I don't care if it's trendy — I love acid wash. Always have, always will. No apologies needed for you public school stares, I live my own life.

 

In the background, the gals have been ringing Ali’s phone like it's after school 1988. What they don’t know is Papa D essentially kidnapped his daughter to "save her" from Charles. Ali makes a solidly valid point when she asks why doesn’t he just call the police and warn her friends. Of course, who’d listen to her? She’s just a pretty teenage girl who’s been though severe emotional trauma, faked her own death, shortly became a master of disguise, and managed outfox a serial killer for six season. WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY CONTRIBUTE.

 

For me, however, the real story was Mike and Mona; having two names start with M really cuts down on the shipnames. I’m living for that pattern on Mona because it’s giving me Zubaz Realness. However, let’s not allow it to distract us from the fact that Mike just barged into this woman’s room unannounced and just sat there, waiting for her because she didn’t return his calls, like he’s entitled to her attention. INTERROGATE THE MALE PRIVILEGE. 

 

Of course they kiss. I know what I’m watching and that I can’t ask for more from it than what I’m served. Those earrings though. Honey, I’m living through those and it is a cosmic existence. Feels like when you go to the taco truck and it’s 2 for $5 day. 

Friday
Jul242015

Pretty Little Liars: O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Part 2 of 2: Two Snaps For The World

Long story short, Ali eventually gets in touch with the girls and tells them Charles is on his way and he’s feeling mighty murdery. Hanna and Spencer meet up to discuss where they can get more hideous laptop covers (I assume) and they’re still in the same outfits. I’m getting a peep of Spencer’s knee-high boots and living, but Barbara Bush on the sofa there is bringing me down. The Wilma Flintstone pearls have got to go. 

 

OK, so we know they were searching how to remove your own microchip because, y’know, why tell the police about it? Seriously, why would anyone, after finding a tracking device buried in their neck after several weeks, want to seek professional help? This is why there are YouTube videos of dogs having their chip removed, or learning how to live in a post-pearl world. If Aria’s nautical top can be missing some very crucial pieces (re: sleeves), and Emily’s hair can consistently make up for her wardrobe, they can obviously take care of this medical procedure on their own. 

 

Hey, Jason — yeah, when you decided to follow one of those absolutely creepy balloon invitations to Charles' "birthday party" you were asking for every drop of it. I mean, it was so comically obvious what was about to go down, they even threw in a giant ominous shadow over your shoulder. Look alive, cap'n. Make me believe you own that leather jacker. 

 

Now for my favourite part of the episode: when Toby gets totally strung out on pot gummies and A uses a pitching machine to take out the cops. Let’s take a quick look at Toby and his square jaw: 

Yeah, on the left we have Officer Serious Toby who throws maj shade at Spencer when she says she and gals can "handle it." Queen, he’s a cop now (and was a bit of an obsessive detective previously), I think he can bear some of the load. Although, if he gets an ounce of pot in his system, girlfriend's riding the train real hard into Coachella Station.


During Tobes' descent into Wonderland, A pulls out the funniest shit I’ve seen in weeks and turns the pitching machine on the cops. A is pelting those fools with baseballs at speeds of about 90/mph and the Liars are screaming like they’re caught in No Man’s Land during World War I. Spencer, I get that a series of fast-travelling baseballs could indeed cause some injury, but if they’re real cops, they’ve got flak jackets on; those things can take a punch.

Look at this man down, giving you the face of dying extra in Pearl Harbour who never took an acting class.

 

Near the end of the episode, Jason and Ali enter what could easily win World’s Most Haunted Attic 2016 and find a home movie, already in progress. It turns out Mama D would socialize young Charles by pretending he was their second-cousin named Freddie. Because if isolation in a hospital wasn’t enough, bringing him out for a taste of freedom with his brother and sister on sporadic occasion definitely wouldn’t cause feelings of resentment, abandonment or vengeance. Solid parenting, Mama D! 

Can we have an early #tbt to when Toby was so strung out on pot he couldn’t speak or look at anyone in the eye? This ain’t Intervention on A&E — he’s gonna be fine. Toby’s all shaky and sweaty like he’s in a K-hole or something. That hippie said she only had medicinal shit anyway. He’d have to eat his weight in laced-up gummy bears to be tripping and stumbling this much. Queen, please.

Friday
Jul172015

Pretty Little Liars: No Stone Unturned

Bitch Chipped Them: Part 1 of 2

Well, Hanna straight up killed it this week. Between stealing Leslie’s car, proving that she was right all along about Charles, and sneaking in some quality time with her boyfriend, all while wearing the world’s sparkliest sleuthing outfit, girl’s on fire. The other Liars, I dunno, angsted over their own significant others and debated possible As, but Hanna’s the one really getting shit done this week.

 

She’s also keeping Rosewatch 2k15 going for another episode in this rose-printed blazer. Which is fine, but the blouse is a little matchy-matchy. I know I applauded Hanna’s return to her Homecoming Queen fashion roots last week, but there’s Homecoming Queen and there’s middle-aged real estate agent. And the last middle-aged real estate agent on this show died, Hanna (RIP, Mrs. D.).

So she uses her feminine wiles to get this valet to give her Leslie Stone’s car in a very Veronica Mars move.

 

I’m sure Spencer would be suitably impressed if she weren’t distracted by mooning over Sober Dean and feeling sad over how she devoted her life to schoolwork and is now totally burnt out and thinks school is meaningless.

Cheer up, Spence! You’re just hitting your quarter-life crisis ten years early! My theory is she’s trying to pep herself up with this darling sunflower print, but it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick. And if a pattern that precious won’t do anything, what can?

 

Aria’s sure not gonna do it. She’s developed the theory that Clark is A, probably mostly because Clark has picked up that habit common to characters on this show where they say everything in an ambiguous tone so you’re just sitting there like, “I know he said ‘do you have the time’ but I swear to god his voice was like ‘I like to stalk and torture you and your friends for fun in my free time.’”

And to investigate her theory, she dresses on-theme in a trench coat. Check those gorgeous lace sleeves—they might be impractical on a coat (unless your torso is constantly cold and your arms are always too hot?), but gosh they’re pretty.

 

The outfit under the coat is, you know, very Aria.

The sequins under the coat are a nice touch of sparkle, but the leopard mini is a little bit much, no?

 

She’s at least better dressed than the Aria doll that A made.

For once I am in complete agreement with Ezra Fitz (“that’s...very disturbing”), which is a sentence I hope to never type again.

 

Emily’s off on her own for most of this week, gazing deeply into Sara’s eyes and asking if maybe she’d like to run away with her. And now that she’s living with her crush, she is upping her wardrobe game.

So usually when I’m recapping an Emily outfit I just go, “Emily’s so pretty! This outfit is boring but she’s so pretty!” But this is...not boring? I just don’t know? Like...it’s leather short overalls and in theory I am completely opposed (think about how awful it would be when your legs got sweaty, for one), but also I think she’s kind of pulling them off? You definitely need Shay Mitchell’s legs to make this work, though. (Maybe she has magical powers and just doesn’t get sweaty legs.) And it’s always nice to see what happens when Emily decides to put effort into her clothes. She’s come a long way from the polo shirts and denim minis of the first season.

 

So absent Emily, the other three Liars break into the lab where Leslie works to investigate, in their best black sleuthing jackets. Hanna, Queen of the Ep, planned to go with this fierce black leather.

But, you know. Priorities.

 

So for the investigation itself she’s wearing black sequins.

Sequins are not the stealthiest of fabrics, but in this case they’re SYMBOLIC because having finally made out with her hot boyfriend Hanna has regained her old sparkle. Plus what’s she gonna wear, a plain black T? Please. This is Pretty Little Liars we’re talking about.

 

Spencer’s sleuthing jacket is almost impossible to see, but it’s what you’d expect: structured, brass buttons, etc. 

She’s no Hanna this week, but she does make some important discoveries. “Bitch chipped us” may not be quite as iconic as “Bitch can see,” but it’s up there.

 

And Aria’s in this watercolor-y black-and-white striped.

Ironically less suitable for sleuthing than the trench she wore earlier in the episode, but it’s a great shape on her, and that exposed zipper down the side is a lovely touch. Aria’s knocking the jackets out of the park this week.

Friday
Jul172015

Pretty Little Liars: No Stone Unturned

And By Bitch, We're Pretty Sure They Mean Sara: Part 2 of 2

 

While the PLLs are investigating, their parents and significant others do the traditional “how worried should we be about our loved being subjected to constant psychological torture?” song and dance.

Mona, much like her erstwhile bestie, actually gets shit done. She shows up at the lab and informs the Liars that Charles is definitely still alive, and then saves them from getting busted by campus police.

I’m not super into her outfit, though. That bleached denim vest is a tonal mismatch with the prim pussy bow of her demure blouse. You can be a cowgirl or a secretary, Mona, but don’t be both at once.

 

Ashley decides her move is to give her teenage daughter’s boyfriend a key to the house, reminding us all once again that she’s the parent whose earlier moves included robbing an elderly woman and running over a police officer.

Ashley, whither your competent parenting skills of mere weeks ago? Whither your closetful of tasteful suits? This tiered fuchsia blouse is what a thirteen-year-old would wear to the eighth grade dance in 2003.

 

Ezra’s is to write Aria a recommendation, which seems to violate a number of professional and personal boundaries but that’s really the least of their problems.

A much bigger problem is his shirt with the round neckline. That’s actually a woman’s shirt, right? Like, Ezra was walking by the Macy’s ladies sportswear section and saw that bad boy and was like, “How can I resist?”

 

Caleb’s move is to make out with Hanna, which, valid.

His hoodie is fine, pretty much business as usual for him. He’s not gratuitously shirtless, so it’s not really worth writing home about.

 

Sara is gratuitously shirtless, though, because that girl has game.

She may have been locked in a bunker for two years, but she knows how to break down a girl’s willpower: take off your shirt and ask her to rub cream in your back.

 

For her first day as a teen programmer, she takes Emily’s advice and wears this plaid...thing.

Emily likes her girls dressed like West Hollywood lesbians circa 1985, is my takeaway.

 

Having learned that bitch chipped them, Emily goes to see if Sara’s been chipped too, but before she can, Sara distracts her with a kiss.

Is she overcome with love for Emily? Or is this merely a distraction to keep Emily from realizing that Sara doesn’t have a chip because Sara is A???

 

I’m still liking Sara best of all our current crop of A suspects (why do we never see this conveniently evil mother of hers, huh?), but if she faked her own kidnapping I have no idea what her motive could be. But Clark and Leslie are both obvious red herrings, and most of our other favorite shady characters have been in Out of Town all season. Who’s your pick?

Wednesday
Jul152015

Pretty Little Liars: No Stone Unturned

So, it turns out Leslie isn't A, she's just a former mental patient trying to get through the day like a normal person with a normal life OKAY? God. In other non-news, Emily and Sara smooch (raise your glass of TV wine if you saw that coming), Spencer does not want to be valedictorian, Aria goes back to the Rosewood Etsy shop trash dump, and Hanna is microchipped with a GPS tracking device. Actually, all of the PLLs are, which explains how A knows their every move. Oh! And Mr. D gets a birthday card from Charlie. Guess who's TOTALLY NOT DEAD?

 

Only in Rosewood
Can a teenager charm her way into stealing a car from the valet. Ok, that didn't technically happen in Rosewood, BUT STILL. Also, I love how the writers are all "to hell with school" and aren't even bother to showing them go to class anymore. They know the charade is over.

Return of a Minor Major Character
Dean is still sneaking around, and we didn't actually see Lesli, but Hanna and Spencer did break into her car, so, she was there in spirit, I guess?

Best Outfit
It was slim pickings this week, so I'm going to give Aria's rat-scarf (shown here, accessorized with horrified expression) an honorable mention.

Best A Message
One creepy Aria doll with a stick in the eye, coming right up!

Current A Suspect

CHARLES IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD. KNEW IT.

 

Check back on Friday for Constance's recap of the ho-hum fashions and their live animal accessories.