Part 1 of 2: Calm Down, Queen
I do not have time for these yard sale games. First, you’re gonna give me Charles — who just might be A — and then you tell me he hasn’t been missing forever because Mama D passed him off as a second-cousin named Freddie? Then, Hanna and Aria are blessed with pennies from heaven, except the source also funded Radley? But wait, you also gonna have the girls cut out their own tracking devices which they could not find for weeks rather than ask Spencer’s cop boyfriend for help? Oh that’s right, he’s too busy tripping balls over some laced gummies. Gurl. This episode was like Midnight Mass during Christmas — too much. (Oh, and if you want to watch along with me, I Periscope'd some of this nonsense.)
DiLaurentis Manor is now a satellite police station, complete with beat cops in plain clothes. Though I gotta say, that red chambray is doing this fella a world of good. Jason, on the other hand, is falling into that DiLaurentis pattern of having more money than you know how to buy clothes with and such. If he’s not dressed like a mannequin at a country club pro-shop, he’s giving you a baseball shirt look that only works when you’re 17 and ripped. If he just lost the shirt, 100 times better.
Alright, this nosy girl, "Claire." It needs to stop. As far as the fashion, I’m alright with what I see; I’m not paying cover, but I’ll watch the opener. The pattern on the dress is cute and modern, but that drapey bolero should be used to start the fire that burns down Rosewood once and for all. Emily’s back is serving you her usual loose-fitting, athletic t-shirt from The Gap (or something). Not a feast for the eyes, but I’m nibbling.
While Emily deals with this chick (who openly admits to wishing Sara was dead), the other three show up to Manse DiLaurs looking for Ali or Jason; anyone at this point. They know that Charles is after them, so they’re doing that loyal friend thing and letting him know. I think Aria borrowed that jacket from Emily — those leather sleeves are so Ems. Spencer looks surprisingly child-like in the sundress and cardigan. Remember when she’d wear weird animal print? Bring that shit back!
Oh, and while you’re back there, make sure this Tipper Gore red wool nightmare never gets made, so Hanna can never purchase it ever again. You can’t be anything of the US (PO or FLO) looking like my grandmother leaving a prayer group.
*SNACK TIME* Emily takes Sara and Sally Snoop to an offensively cute dessert place that’s conveniently between Rosewood and whatever backwater swap the other one’s from. I mean, of course there’s something like this close by. Why would they have to meet at a Starbucks on the side of a highway? Oh, and they’re sharing milk & cookies. No pie. No cake. No coffee. Milk & cookies. Fill in the blanks, kids.
Sara, gurl, how long were you trapped in that well? She looks like a Marie Claire covergirl from 1988. Michelle Phillips will never die with this queen on the prowl and I'm in heaven. I don't care if it's trendy — I love acid wash. Always have, always will. No apologies needed for you public school stares, I live my own life.
In the background, the gals have been ringing Ali’s phone like it's after school 1988. What they don’t know is Papa D essentially kidnapped his daughter to "save her" from Charles. Ali makes a solidly valid point when she asks why doesn’t he just call the police and warn her friends. Of course, who’d listen to her? She’s just a pretty teenage girl who’s been though severe emotional trauma, faked her own death, shortly became a master of disguise, and managed outfox a serial killer for six season. WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY CONTRIBUTE.
For me, however, the real story was Mike and Mona; having two names start with M really cuts down on the shipnames. I’m living for that pattern on Mona because it’s giving me Zubaz Realness. However, let’s not allow it to distract us from the fact that Mike just barged into this woman’s room unannounced and just sat there, waiting for her because she didn’t return his calls, like he’s entitled to her attention. INTERROGATE THE MALE PRIVILEGE.
Of course they kiss. I know what I’m watching and that I can’t ask for more from it than what I’m served. Those earrings though. Honey, I’m living through those and it is a cosmic existence. Feels like when you go to the taco truck and it’s 2 for $5 day.