TFW you realize you should have started drinking wine years ago because you live literally in hell.Read More
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Part 1 of 2: Sorry, Who’s “A”, Again?
Give yourself a pat on the back — you made it to the end. Along the way we shared some laughs, some tears, some blinding rage and, at least on my end, about 57 bottles of wine. I’ll be honest, I lost sight of the end goal at certain points of the journey but we relied on each other for support in those dark times; what the hell even happened with Ravenswood? CeCe Drake is A — it’s here and it’s real. Granted there are some gaping plot holes and several of the “answers” feel a little too convenient but you know what? I DON'T CARE. Did you want this A bullshit to continue for another season? Did you want to spend another year of your life sweating who was behind the damn mask? NO. Girl, I’m 30 years old – it needed to stop before I literally become Ashley Marin and begin my collection of silk blouses. I took that Buzzfeed quiz and I’m like one box of wine away from that truth.
We left the Liars at Barn Prom 2K15 and open on the same scene — only now there’s a mystical trap door that appears to lead them right onto the Carrisimi Group property. (I know they drove there but that editing job.) Everyone is still serving their sickening prom looks and are joined by Mona, who’s on the case in a red robe and dress. It’s cute. Here’s a candid photo I snapped of them breaking into A’s secret HQ.
Once again, there’s another trap door that reveals CommAnd Central, and as the Liars stroll in without a damn care, Sara hangs back because she’s claustrophobic. I’d argue it’s because she doesn’t want to be in close proximity to everyone’s stunning prom looks while she’s wearing something Nana definitely sported during happy hour in Miami Beach, 1981. How did no one think this was suspicious? “Oh, you’ve presumably found the answer to the riddle that’s literally ruined our lives for 5 years? LMK HOW IT GOES BYE.”
Now, if you didn’t already suspend most of your belief in reality as a fan of Pretty Little Liars, here’s where that mental exercise is going to coming in miiiiiighty handy. That final trap door reveals a room that’s straight up fictional science, complete with an starship console and holographic, plasma screen which just starts floating in the room like it’s totally normal and not a stunt to bring back Tupac for an “impromptu” collab. Join us next season when Tom Cruise guest stars as a crooked cop in Minority Report: Cold CAse Files: DiLAurentis Edition, She Wrote.
And once you’ve accepted this ethereal portal into another world as a genuine item not stopping the girls in their tracks to reflect upon the wondrously advanced technological age we live in, you get to learn that A has been…
CeCe Fucking Drake. And you besta believa she pulled out the tightliner trick for this reveal.
Yes, after all the speculation it turns out that CeCe transitioned at young age, lived her life with the name Charlotte and abandoned that once the A Game took over, gifting the world with CeCe. There’s a TON of exposition and plot filling that happens on a Passions-like level after the reveal, but the biggest surprise that Red Coat and Black Widow were actually…
Sara? New girl in town, Sara? The character that’s been in my life for a hot minute and barely offered me an opportunity to like her?
Oh, right, one more thing — Bethany is legit deceased and Mona’s the real culprit, but it’s turns out lil ol’ Bets is the one that sqaushed Mrs. Cavanaugh with a sharp shove off Radley roof. The real crime Bethany should have been locked up for was owning that sweater and not using it for kindling. I know the 90s were a dark time for everyone, but even sociopaths can has taste.
Speaking of taste, what’s the deal with DiLaurentii and the color yellow? It takes a special kind of person to acceptably pull it off, and I’m not here for this shitty cardigan. I bet she turned that into a shrug later in the day for a "casual look." I say we shrug that trend off this history books and forget that boob hammocks were a serious style.
Maybe CeCe just needed some time away because this tbt in the coral/orange print with complementary geometric necklace is something I can be present for. Three snaps down boots, gal!
Speaking of TBTs, let’s enjoy this PLLers throwback as well. They were not feeling CeCe. I’m not even getting into the whole, “You sound just like our friend Ali” insanity because I have functioning ears and those two women sound nothing like each other. Second side-note: Aria, so glad you got rid of that vest. The Sons of Anarchy aesthetic isn’t yours.
Part 2 of 2: The Party Don’t Stop
I’m physically exhausted trying to condense this episode into an easy-to-read recap but after 45 minutes of listening to answers that just barely did their job of answering shit, I’m worn down. Not to mention the fashion didn’t change an ounce during the reveAl except for some black sweatsuits. I suppose Mona’s weaponized wedge deserves a shout out — who keeps a spike in their shoe?
For the instances that we did get a taste of fashion, it all came back to CeCe and this side-by-side proves she was slaying the game from Day 1:
The hair seems to always have been on point as well. If she had the chance and wasn’t stifled by her conservative family and their fetish for keeping elaborately complex secrets, Ali wouldn’t have been half the queen bee.
Look at the DiLaurentis fam before they headed off to the lake or cottage, or wherever the hell they ended up that summer. Mama D is still rocking some yellow, Alison’s sundress is appropriately beachy, I’m ignoring their asshole dad, and Jason is giving me mid-2000s bro for days. Sick board shorts, bro. You wouldn’t think to look at them they’d be four of the most manipulative, secretive, untrustworthy people in the state of Pennsylvania.
To save you some time (and from reliving the long-ass explanation again), Sara didn’t go in the room with everyone because she planned to blow up Radley, but because Spencer is this generation’s MacGyver (look it up) she defused the bomb before it went down. Then CeCe threatened to jump off the roof but everyone begged her to stop (not before Hannah called her out because that’s what Hannah do). So it all ended nice and wrapped-up like.
We’re treated to a lil' good-bye scene between everyone as they head off to college while Ali stays behind. I know the actress is substantially younger than everyone but I can’t remember if Ali was actually younger, too. (Ed note: No, but someone had to stay behind in R'wood, because future plot something something.) Anyway, Hannah’s polished punk look is still turning me out, and Aria’s hip-hop inspired jumpsuit has me living; that keyhole though.
I’m not sure if Spencer’s going to be painting houses in an 80s rom-com while in Georgetown but it’s a cute casual look. I left out Emily because she was wearing a printed t-shirt with a surfer on it and I’m not here for that lazy Old Navy bullshit.
As the Liars drive away Ali’s left standing in front of the house that, by all accounts, should be torn down since it’s got some illegal burial plots and has been the site of several kidnappings and assaults. She actually looks content in her Stevie Nicks “Sisters of the Moon” drapery – very suburban witch and I can feel that. Sometimes, after you’ve ended a 5 year odyssey of trauma, murder and suspicion, you just want to be comfortable.
Oh… but… but did you think it was actually over? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO *bursts into flames*
Yeah, get a snootful of FFFY Ali (that’s Fast Forward Five Years):
GUURRRLLLLL. Who knew a little eyeliner and mascara could age someone so flawlessly? I am living out loud for Ali’s new look. We catch our first glimpse of the gang when they rush into a classroom and tell Ali, “he’s coming for you.” I’m no genius, but the fact she’s writing “Mrs. Rollins” on the board and has a quote from The Scarlet Letter written on the blackbloard suggests that we’re in for a much sexier mystery next season.
Granted this isn’t the best photo of the FFFY PLLs, but I had to get you feasting on Emily’s leather pants. If this is an indication of what’s to come, you can give me butch femme for days and days, honey. Aside from her evolution, the rest of their styles seems fairly consistent, but with an edge of sophistication you’d expect after five years.
Is it my wine-soaked eyes, or is Emily giving you serious Pam vibes? Aria’s gone a lil lighter with her hair so by 2025 she should be full on blonde. Hannah’s pulled back on the eye makeup and I’ve gotta say, looking fresher than you. Spencer, I don’t know where we’re going to start with these bangs but I suppose we’ll have to take it from the top. Finding the hairstylist that recommended those better be the subplot next season.
Y’all, at this point I don’t even know how to sum up this finale. I’m on board with CeCe, not happy about Sara being so important, worried about the Wine Moms, curious about what’s wrong with Rosewood and all the towns surrounding it because it seems like their either oblivious to the absolute fuckery that’s going on, or they have their own shit to deal with (Ravenswood!); I feel like I was in a fight with an 8-year old on a playground who kept making up answers to questions no one asked just to win a game of tag, y’know? I’m going to talk to some pizza about this — bye.