Take Care of Your Good China: Part 1 of 2
You guys, they’re just straight up messing with us at this point. The piles on piles of creepy dolls in that junk yard? That other creepy doll floating in the murky bathwater at Radley? The girl from The Ring that Sia video in the cold open? Pretty Little Liars is just nightmare fuel at this point. Luckily, all of our girls have at least one fantastic outfit this week—except for Emily, who’s channeling all of her style energy into ill-advised tattoo choices.
Real talk, I am not in love with this Ring-style cold open. PLL takes place in a Hitchcock/film noir universe, no? Japanese horror is a tonal mismatch.
Plus, Spencer’s dream outfit is totally blah. Conscious Spencer Hastings has not worn a heather-gray T-shirt for non-exercise purposes since the second grade, and no one will ever convince me otherwise. Unconscious Spencer Hastings needs to get on that level.
But she redeems herself the next day, I assume because she knew Hanna was about to break out the big guns and wanted to make sure she wasn’t outdone.
Look at these two flaw-free queens. From the buckle of Spencer’s waist-cinching belt to the saffron-yellow strap of Hanna’s Cambridge satchel, every single detail is on point.
And check out Spencer’s boots!
No one does equestrian like this girl.
Post-Dollhouse Hanna has given up on her grunge phase to return to her Homecoming Queen fashion roots, and I have to say, I am all in favor of it.
The black crop top keeps the pineapples and matching bag and oversized beads from getting too twee, but there’s still way more whimsy in this outfit than she was giving us this time last season.
Between the two of them, they determine that (a) they have to break into Radley to see if they can confirm the official DeLaurentis “Charles is totally dead, for real” story, and (b) Spencer is high af off her single pot cookie. Sadly, they downgrade the hell out of their outfits for this mission.
Props to Hanna for her fierce leather jacket, but why the extraneous zippers on the pants? We were doing so well at moving past the pretentious grunge phase! Spencer’s Victorian nightie of a dress is at least on theme for Radley’s brand of Victorian gothic horror, but it’s also shapeless and unflattering.
Meanwhile, Emily has decided that Sara has to get legally emancipated from your mother. Find your chill, Emily. You met this girl like two days ago. You don’t know if her mother is anywhere near as bad as she says.
This outfit is the Emily standard: nothing special, just nondescript enough to avoid pulling focus from her perfect face. Bonus points for that dangly pendant.
She fancies things up a little with her off-the-shoulder T, but her main focus once Sara’s paperwork goes through is on a more permanent accessory.
Oh, Em. This is a terrible idea. Here are the cardinal rules for getting a tattoo: (1) Do not do it on a whim. (2) Under no circumstances get a tattoo in a language you cannot read. If you’re lucky it will be gibberish; if you are unlucky it will say “tofu.” And the Japanese character for bravery? Come on, Emily, that’s just tacky.
Meanwhile, Aria’s keeping things Aria with her new love interest/mentor, Clark the photographer.
Bonus points to Clark for a shirt with a whimsical pattern and a decent fit; minus points for the baggy camo pants. Aria’s bib top is not a flattering shape for anyone (am I nuts or is it giving her boobs a unibrow?), but I do like that shade of pink on her.
They head off to be pretentious at the local junk yard, where they make a shocking discovery: Rosewood’s trash consists entirely of creepy dolls. Just one creepy doll piled on top of another, that’s all their garbage is, with the occasional nightmarish clown statue thrown in for variety but mostly just creepy old-time-y dolls.
I hope Aria takes comfort in her jacket. That rich chocolate brown and perfect fit should make up for any number of glassy-eyed horror show doll parades.
But it’s nowhere near as good as the outfit she breaks out the next day. This sweet little skater dress with the vibrant stripes? I am in love.
And she can take comfort in finding this week’s Clue! Clark accidentally snaps a shot of A in profile, proving that A . . . is a girl.