unmAsked - Part 1 of 3 - Hey, You Going To The Ball?

Friends, I’ve been spending a lot of time in the Hamptons and sort of forgot about the crazy revenge (!!!) that goes down in Rosewood. After many (MANY) teasers, tricks, twists and turns, we’ve finally discovered who’s behind A’s reign of terror. How many of y’all picked Mona? Anyone? I mean, I knew she was crazy after seeing her earring collection over the past two season, but a murderer? I don’t care if it’s on sale, I’m not buying. But hey, some of y’all may have found it satisfying and besides, a masquerade for the Rosewood Junior Society? Hello, pretty dresses! If only the girls actually had a happy ending - apparently there’s still an “A-Team” (can they use that?) out there who may have killed Maya? And who was the Black Swan (can they use that)? If all that wasn’t enough to chew on, now Jenna can see and, well... just make sure your fan is off before anything hits it.

As usual, the girls meet up in Spencer’s kitchen for an A debrief. I can never tell if it’s before school or not but either way, they look ferocious. And then there’s Melissa. Poor, bitter, unbalanced Melissa who apparently goes wild for toffee frozen yogurt. She was bland even before Ian died, so how does a girl like Spencer have a sister who dresses like Melissa? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with her robe cardigan and that burgundy colour is great on her - but compared to Spencer she looks like a bored housewife. And if you’re so smart, how come you can’t tell the difference between peanut butter and toffee?

Mad, mad, mad love is going on for this dress in my apartment right now. Aria usually kills it, but this is exceptional. The belt, the costume earrings and of course, this psychedelic, not quite paisley but a whole lot of something (plus it’s shiny!) mini dress is worth a whole month of “yeah, girl!” compliments. I don’t have one snarky thing to say - which is great because the rest of Aria’s looks aren’t so flaw free.

For example, the t-shirt with the tassels? I’m sorry darlin’, but Woodstock happened 43 years ago, why don’t you snip those bad boys off? I appreciate what she’s going for, I love a good rocker throwback, but Aria’s missing the mark and trying to lasso herself back with that tattered t-shirt ain’t gonna work. Can we talk about the boots? Whose bed have those been under? A cast member from Rocky Horror? Don’t get me wrong, I love some Rocky Horror action but they’re swallowing Aria.

At this point, I’ve given up with trying to figure out Emily. She seems to have abandoned the Flashdance inspired t-shirts (whose demise I feel YKYLF had a part in) and now balances her days with oversized snuggies and drop-dead leather jackets. Aria’s turquoise jacket was alright, but Emily’s wine coloured number is just beautiful. If people didn’t know she was a total pushover, I bet she’d be a total butch girl.

Surprisingly, Hanna was kind of boring this week. Usually you can count on her for some sass and spitfiring - especially with her wardrobe - but all we get is a glance of this beaded top

And this Working Girl inspired outifit. Paired with her black trench and an enormous collar that I’m pretty sure protects Rosewood from floods, I was left pretty uninspired. What happened to the catty bitch of the group? Has A finally worn you down?

It doesn’t matter (too much) if Hanna dropped the ball this week because there were moments like these to make up for it. Spencer Hastings, the borderline genius with a flair for Ivy League fashion. Anyone else dying over the knee high boots and creamy coat she’s rocking? Oh, and what’s that beneath it all? Is that a simple crew neck sweatshirt. YES IT IS. Man, I love this girl.

After their huddle at Fitz’s old apartment, the PLLers discover a super sketched out motel where Alison may have stayed before she died and where A may have followed her. And since caution has been thrown so far into the wind not even Aria’s tassels could hope to rope it back, the girls stay the night at the murdermotel. Not wasting anytime, Team Sparia breaks into the clerk’s office to steal the register.

While the cold and wet Team Hamily just chills before Hanna takes a shower. A shower? After falling in the mud? Girl, your clothes are still a mess and you’re going to be hanging ‘round in a towel. Just sayin’.

But if the girls are in the woods searching some flea infested dump, what’s A up to in Rosewood? Well, apparently meeting with the miraculously sighted Jenna who’s traded her oversized dark glasses for slightly smaller dark glasses. We get it. You’re dark. How about cracking a smile?

Oh, and Mona (who’s really A!!!), tried to get the PLLers to go shopping. Obviously they ditch her because she’s totes annoying and over the top. I mean, look at that ring! Somewhere there is a crane missing its wrecking ball. You could easily rob a bank with that piece of jewelry. Does anyone need anymore evidence of this bitch being crazy? 

unmAsked - Part 2 of 3 - We're At The Ball!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least three time: the kids of Rosewood have ridiculous access to party decorators.

But to hell with the atmosphere, let’s look at the dresses! Up first is Spencer in a lovely saffron gown. I’m not really sure what’s up with the bling on her neck. Is it part of the dress? Is it an uncomfortable necklace? Did she take it from the frame of a vanity mirror? Doesn’t matter - her dress is stunning.

Emily decided to rock the peacock look this time around and I’m totally down with that. She looks great in blue and green tones, and her mask has that jaunty little feather as if to say, “I’m so NOT being chased by a murderous psychopath tonight”. High kicks for you, girl! 

At the hotel, Hanna revealed a quaint fact about herself: she’s always wanted to play Juliet. So of course this masquerade is her time to shine. I don’t remember Juliet being dressed like a vestal virgin (nor Hanna for that matter) but you can’t deny it’s a lovely gown. The flowers in the hair may have been a bit much but then again, this is a lavish masquerade party for a bunch of teenagers in Pennsylvania. Go big or go home, sister.

Of course, Aria couldn’t possibly have tried to be elegant tonight. There’s nothing outrightly wrong with her dress, but compared to the other three she looks like a jester. Red and black? I’m sorry, when did Avril Lavigne come back? Is that where we are with the edgy kids today? I’m not having it. I’m hungry, but I won’t bite.

At least the men were as handsome as ever. But remember when they’d take their shirts off? Those were good episodes.

Paige got her stalk on at the ball when she cornered Emily. For a girl who was terrified to come out of the closet, she was pretty eager to rock an Annie Hall look for the masquerade. I love a woman in a blazer, I really do. The hair is pulled back, the collar is undone, and I have to say Paige, you’re looking pretty fine. But do you have the boho sensibilities of Maya? No. So step off.

Alright, Ezria is back and a thousand girls around the world squealed with relief. But let me get this straight: Ezra gets fired, is embarrassed about the whole dating a former student who’s much younger than he is, so he decides to show up at the highly publicized masquerade so he can make out with said student in the middle of the dance floor? For an English teacher, he doesn’t quite grasp the term “subtle”. 

During all of the drama, Mona is hovering (as usual) and Spencer says ominously, “I’ve got you figured out”. Does she know she’s A? Or... no, wait... it’s just a cat and mouse game of compliments. I never realized how short Mona is until the masquerade. All the other girls are towering in their flowing gowns and fairy tale hair, and there’s Mona. All stout and bound in a country music amount of crinoline. But now that she has Spencer in her clutches, the craziness can begin.

unmAsked - Part 3 of 3 - Did Y'all Hear What Happened At The Ball?

Who would have guessed that this mousey little girl in pigtails, shopping at a vintage store where she clearly never bought anything, could turn out to be an unhinged, psychopathic killer? Probably her therapist.

Hey, it’s Flashback Alison! Only this is not her usual filter. Rather than soft and glowy, it’s more... fake and film noir. Oh Spencer, if you could only see what I see! Then you’d realize Mona’s lying to you. Or maybe I’ve been watching too much Sherlock.

As a writer, I have to say I protest the use of the term “A’s Lair” to describe the horrific motel room Spencer’s in. I mean... lair? A’s not a supervillain. Or a group of bats. I would have accepted hideout, or headquarters, even office, but lair feels a little too false for me. But did you get a look at the creepy clown mask? Does every “lair” need one horrifying accessory?

Once they make it to the motel, Mona and Spencer lock themselves in a coy game of “I know what’s going on”. But before Spencer realizes that Mona’s A, she finds the now infamous Black Swan sketches.

“This must be what A is wearing to the ball!”
“A’s dressed as the Black Swan...”
*DUN DUN DUNDUN!!!*

Y’all, this calls for a serious record scratch. The Black Swan? The cut to commercial? Honestly, I laughed out loud at this. What would happen if Pretty Little Liars happened in the 80s? “She’s dressed as Alex Forrest from ‘Fatal Attraction’!”. Or in the 90s? “She’s dressed as Catherine Trammell from ‘Basic Instinct’!”.

After finding the sketches and trying to call the girls, Mona and Spencer find Alison’s diary. Only Spencer finds the tell-tale gum wrapper inside which obviously means that Mona is A. It’s the only logical deduction. To prove her point, Spencer asks Mona for some gum who has to run to the car and grab some. Rather than catching her mid costume change, Spencer waits until Mona comes back in dressed all ninja.

Damnit, Hanna! Put the damn feather down, this isn’t CSI and Spencer’s about to be straight up murdered. 

Luckily the girls find Spencer and Mona at Lookout Point, where I can only assume many a Rosewood teen has lost their v-card. After a struggle, Mona falls off the cliff but manages to survive. While the girls are tended to in the ambulance, Dr. Sullivan arrives out of nowhere to explain how Mona got to be so batshit crazy. You know, for a tough-as-nails therapist, Dr. Sullivan had an awfully hard time standing up to a teenager with a personality disorder. Wouldn’t a call to the police have solved her problem? You say Mona threatened your son? SHE’S SEVENTEEN. Get over it.

At least Spencer and Toby are back together. Their little reunion with him preventing Spencer’s slap and then forcefully kissing her was so old Hollywood romance. Hopefully this leads to more shirtlessness next season and less moping around.

So Mona’s in the nuthouse and the girls think they have the A mystery wrapped up. But if that’s true, who’s this figure in red coming to visit?

That’s right bitches, it’s not over yet!

Oh, and Maya might be dead. Nice cliffhanger. Although, personally, I think it’s Paige.

Mini Recap: unmAsked

HOLY MOTHER EFFIN' S***. First of all, what four high school girls go to a creepy motel in the woods by themselves?? Second of all, why would a high school girl go there AGAIN with a suspicious person?? Pure ridiculousness. I don't even have more words. Just watch (if you haven't already). And if you have watched, then you are fully aware of my speechlessness and inability to comprehend the chain of events of that just occurred. 

Drama-rama du jour
A is revealed! Or is she...?    

Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness
I have to admit I didn't even miss this. But let's just hope the summer season has some juicy bits in store for us. 

Best Outfit
I loved, loved, loved Spencer's masquerade dress. Flattering, interesting color, vintage-like but not costume-looking. Well done, Spence. 

Best 'A' Message
"Be there when the clock strikes midnight."  

Current 'A' Suspect
Mona was sort of revealed as A...but then sort of not. 

Anthony somehow won the YKYLF lottery and gets to recap the juiciness of the finale! Thursday! 

If These Dolls Could Talk - 1 of 4 - Desperately Seeking A

Holy creepy episode, Batman! Also, CREEPIEST EPISODE EVAR. So the dramz was off the hook this week and all it did was leave me with questions. Ali might not be dead. Melissa is secretly dating the creepy Garrett, who got arrested for being a creep (well, not really. For Ali's murder). Aria's parents are thinking of shipping her off to boarding school and she's turning into a heinous bitch to the parents. Unnecessary, as Ezra got canned and has to leave because he can't teach high school in town (because HE'S TOTALLY SLEEPING WITH A STUDENT). Jenna is totally not blind anymore and she's real good at playing dumb as she gives the autopsy report to Toby. And Mona's making out with Caleb on his face and I'm not so sure she didn't plan that one herself. And the Doll Hospital? Don't even get me started.

Ladies, I commend you. Serious shit is going down all around you and you're frequently in mortal peril, yet, your nails are always impeccable.

Golf claps, ladies. Golf claps.

So, when your nails look that good all the time, we get a wee bit disappointed when you're not even trying with your outfits. Like you, Emily. Sweetie, take a look at your friends. Now take a look at your outfit. I know you're dressed like a normal teen (or an extra on Vampire Diaries), but compared to your friends, you're kind of boring.

I mean, Hanna wears a glitter skirt to school while you wear one of your bitchin' leather jackets with a hoodie.

While I admit the glitter skirt as school attire is a bit much - and by a bit, I mean it's totally over the top and suitable for a discothèque only - at least it's fun.

I'm on the fence about Hanna's sweater though. I like it as an attempt to tone down a glitter mini-skirt (which is totally impossible because it's a glitter mini skirt), but the shoulders are a bit too strong.

That's Spencer's most sensible outfit. Minus the knee socks of course. However, when she pairs the dress and the knee socks with a cross-body leather satchel? It goes from cute dress to "do you have any cookies you can sell me?".

As Kate mentioned, the girl who really brought it this week was Hanna. And it wasn't for the glitter.

At first I was all, nice blazer and that colour blue looks great on you. And then I watched the episode again. This time I was all, "are you seriously wearing a snakeskin print blazer?"

Oh yes. She is. Then again, with a friend like Mona who wears a fur stole to class, you've got to skin some kind of animal if you're going to keep up.

I thought Spencer was looking kind of cute this week.

Nothing too exciting, but not drab either. And not covered in ponies or leather patches. So I was going to give her golf claps. And then I saw more of her outfit.

And that's when things started to go downhill into crazytown. Sure the dress is cute, but I'm positive she stole the sweater from Mr. Rogers. It's big enough that it could fit on an older gentleman.

We could have gotten past that. Except then I saw the knee socks.

Whaaat is going on here? White knee socks? With white booties? Oh, Spencer, honey no. Now it's like some kind of kinderwhore getup favoured by Courtney Love. And then paired with the Mr. Rogers sweater? It's just too much.

Of course, Crazytown, population Aria, really didn't need any help from the tourists. She brought all the crazy this week and she brought it hard.

What? I. Can't. Even.

Okay maybe I can, let's break this down. She's wearing a little black dress, probably of the American Apparel variety, that seems to have some kind embellishment on the front. That much I can handle. But the long, sheer, petticoatish sort of skirt over it? And practically pulled up to her boobs?

But the magic of that outfit doesn't stop there. No, it just keeps on upping the cray cray by showing off her bra.

I'm not being a prude on this one. I just think it's totes unnecessary because there's already SO MUCH going on here that the visible bra is the least of this outfit's worries.

And if it's chilly outside and you're dressed like that, what do you reach for? A jean jacket. OF COURSE.

The outfit definitely need another layer. But the pièce de resistance?

THE MOTHEREFFING KNEE HIGH SUDE BOOTS. You guys, serioulsy? Maybe the boots with the mini dress and the jacket. Maybe the skirt worn with nothing because it's just a no-no. But all together? Words fail me. My only guess is there's a German compound word that adequately descrbes "completely insane outfit that layers a sheer skirt over a mini dress and adds suede boots to the mix".

I thought she wisened up and toned it down with this outfit.

Except no! She still needs to be edgy and nothing says edgy like exposing your bra.

On the upside, I like her gigantic rings.

Except, maybe not wear them all at the same time. That has to make texting and using a pen hard.