New Girl: Bathtub

What Jess Wore (and should have worn)

I feel for Jess - pitching the idea of a bathtub to three male bachelors is about as tough as selling vitamin-vodka to Carla Gugino. Even so, improving Plan A would have been a better idea than executing Plan B, considering the mass destruction it caused: a hole in the roof, the destruction of Schmidt's best suits, Winston's panic attack, Jess' imprisonment in her own closet (ok, actually kind of jeals about that one), creepy advances from the Super, and a robbery by fake meth addicts. While Jess and Winston were enacting your terrible plans, Schmidt confessed his love to Cece and passed out in her lap (SUCH a turn-on), while Nick "crossed the bar" and ended up against a pole. A stripper pole to be exact. That's right, Nick - you stay klassy (and not at all clichéd).

I see the problem with Jess' pitch to the guys about getting a bathtub for the apartment. She's too covered up:

Not only is she wearing a long-sleeved thick sweater, she is wearing a ponytail and glasses. Is this a cute sweater? Sure, it's not bad! A bit simple, but nice colour, like the shoulder buttons. Are those cute glasses? Of course, love em! But I'm a girl. You're not selling to me. Guys are SO easy to convince - you just flash a little cleavage or a little leg and *boom* new bathtub procured! Don't give me that look! Just ask yourself - how BADLY do you want that bathtub? And in any case, a girl who fakes a robbery by meth addicts really shouldn't get on a moral high-horse.

Take it from Nick's new girlfriend - she doesn't dress like a librarian, but like a cool biker chick. Just check out this awesomeballs leather jacket!

Look, Nick's like putty in her hands. Ok, so she gets paid to be sexy but still! Don't you remember Economics class? You can't have supply without demand. (See, Mom? University degree not wasted!)

Schmidt's boss is another example - she doesn't get paid to be sexy and yet look at her:

OK, so this dress kind of looks like a bathrobe, but you gotta admit this is a wickedly hot colour! Besides, let's be honest: the whole 'oh I just rolled out of bed and threw this on over my naked body' look was probably not a mistake, you dig?

So, class, let's review: Guys = Easy to manipulate. Jess, I love you, but sometimes a girl's gotta use her assets.

You're really not bringing sexy back in this outfit either - the shapes are cute and you're taking a very tiny, very tentative step into sultry territory with the top tied at the waist but the rest is firmly planted in librarian-land:

And really that comment is an insult to librarians because I'm sure many of them dress much more interesting than this. Gray, black and white? Sure, a girl's gotta have neutrals, but all together? SO. BLAH. And kinda looks sloppy - definitely on track with 'just rolled out of bed and threw this on' but not in the good way that Carla rocks it above. And to think all this trouble could have been avoided by putting on something low-cut and red. Le sigh.

Jess remained covered-up and librarian-esque for the remainder of the episode, with this black sweater with one (slightly cool but also strange) red arm:

And this argyle J Crew sweater. At least it's not a total snoozefest like the boring-as-bathwater gray and white ensemble above, but it's still quite "regular".

I will give her props for the final outfit of the episode - it's still covered-up, but I lurve the colour and flowy fabric (still more sexy than a thick sweater).

Jess, if I were to tie you up and rob your apartment, I would steal this blouse! I would have raided that closet of yours and stolen every single pair of cute pj's and graphic print dresses, too. I know you have some.

More Kate Spade...

But if you think about it - this would be a win-win: I would get some fab new pieces for my wardrobe and you would have nothing to wear around the apartment except underwear, which means those testosterone-factories you call roommates would give you anything you ask for. A bathtub in every room?! Whatever you say!

Lets make this happen, Jess. Call me.

New Girl: Eggs

What Jess & Schmidt Wore...Sort Of

When I saw that this episode was named "Eggs", I somehow assumed that the storyline would involve brunch. Or at least breakfast. But, boy, was I wrong. Jess’s friend and resident "va-genius", Sadie, announces that she has a bun in the oven, that she and the missus are super excited, that they love boobs, and that, oh, by the bye, you’re probably never going to experience this awesomeness once you hit 30 because--surprise!--your non-brunch eggs will most likely never give you the cute little chickadees you forgot you wanted until now. Of course, Jess goes into a tailspin of panic and hauls it to Sadie’s clinic for some tests, toting Cece (aka Camilla Alves v2) along for the ride. Winston’s on an alternate sleep schedule but that doesn’t stop him from trying to rekindle the flame between Nick, writing, and Hemingway. And our darling Schmidt’s world shatters when he learns that despite all his narration and shiny stickers, he just can’t bring home the bacon for Emma.  

Jess is so dang good at not looking like an overgrown schoolgirl even though her taste sometimes veers in that direction. Maybe it helps that she’s carrying a wine bottle, but her monochrome polka dot sweater makes for a classic look, plus the peter pan collar is a charming accent. Added snaps for her red shoes matching her lipstick.

Sidenote: I wish I could pull off skinny cuffed ankle jeans the way she does.

And goodness gracious, her hair is gorgeous! So Kate Middleton and her brand new bangs.

Another really simple, but well-done look for Jess. If I had to put all my eggs in a style basket, it’d be the simple/classic basket, too. 

Rewearing the skinny cuffed ankle jeans? I hear that.

If I owned this dress, I would get very little accomplished, because I would just stand in a circle and twirl, twirl, twirl.

Frankly, I'm a little dizzy just thinking about it. But still - cute outfit, even if there is just WAY TOO MUCH RED. And what happened to the aforementioned Kate Middleton hair?

Thank the stars, she found the wherewithal to give herself a proper blow dry. Jess’s pleated skirt is a nice compliment to sound wave blouse, and the black and white color scheme is a relief from the overdose of red in the last ensemble. I mean, really. That was just unnecessary.  

And I simply must end on this: the award for 2012’s Best Bedazzle goes to our one and only Schmidt. Feathers, gems, sequins, oh my!

In an ill-fated meeting between foreplay and arts & crafts, Schmidt finds inspiration for the boudoir in the Mardi Gras section of Hobby Lobby. Who knew he was so crafty?

New Girl: Parents

What Jess (And Everyone Else) Wore

Happy Turkey Day! Jamie Lee Curtis and Rob Reiner guest starred as Jess' divorced parents, who Jess not-so-secretly wishes would get back together. We learn Jess has a history of ensnaring her parents in her own "parent trap" and this year is no different when her carefully scheduled dinner sessions somehow get messed up. Oopsies. We also got a look at Nick's future, thanks to Jess' "so unhappy" dad. One of Schmidt's cousins comes to visit and a competion for The One and Only Schmidt ensues, complete with farting, burping, and kissing another man.

OH MY GOODNESS! There's someone even more perky than Jess out there! Oh the humanity! 

You don't get much more Thanksgiving then these two gals. Loving the bright colors and OBVIOUSLY the pilgrim hat!

More AG Adriano Goldschmied...

 Yes Nick, we do hug balls.

Side note: I want Schmidt's sweater big time. 

So wait. You want me to make out with him? Why not, he's already seen naked pictures of me in the shower. And Nick really is too young for me. 

So after her parents hot and heavy make out sesh in the bathroom (of all places), Jess kicks off dinner with a lovely toast. Even though Jess' Ted Baker dress is more First Lady than casual Thanksgiving dinner, she does look darling.

"I'm thankful for my super sparkly eyes, my always fabulous hair, my wardrobe that always makes me look great, my ability to make all boys love me... and oh yeah, my family and all that good stuff."

He shoots and he scooooores! Poor Winston just wanted to enjoy his Thanksgiving meal and instead gets caught in the cross-fire of Schmidt Brawl 2k12 and receives a big, sloppy, wet one from The One True Schimdt. 

But who could blame him for wanting to lay one on Winston? He did look pretty dapper. I actually think he may have been the best dressed family member at the table. I love the purple and pink combo, and the disheveled look as his turkey baby started to form. Who is better than Winston? Who?!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! Gobble, gobble!

New Girl: Menzies

What Jess (And Schmidt's Boss) Wore

This week on New Girl, Jess uses her "menzies" as an excuse to avoid the stress in her life and Schmidt begins an aggressive affair with his new boss, Emma (Carla Gugino). Weird? Trust me, it gets worse. Nick solves his anger problems by being cradled in a pool and Winston struggles with having empathy PMS (which is something only a man could've invented). Unfortunately for Jess, having her period equals wearing ONLY boring sweaters the entire episode. Well... you gotta hand it to the wardrobe department. They sure are accurate.

It's that time of the month and jobless Jess can't afford to pay her share of the bills.

Wait, so... she can't pay for gas but she can pay for this boring, blue sweater??? Explain yourself!

She DOES explain herself by telling the guys she's on her period, an always welcomed subject for the male ears. The guys freak out, throw fits, blah, blah, blah. Come on, it's been how long since you've been living with a girl? And don't you people have SISTERS? Dear Nick, Winston, Schmidt and All Men Around the World: GET OVER IT.

Speaking of being "over it," this outfit is just so DULL. Can't she add a little accessory (the glasses do NOT count) or maybe some cute earrings? A pretty hair pin?? God Jess, throw me a bow here.

As a punishment, Schmidt shuts off the hot water and Jess can't shower for her interview that day. But at least she's out of that boring sweater and into one of the cutest bathrobes I've ever seen:

Frilly, pink and short. I LOVE IT. 

Meanwhile, Schmidt is being sexually assaulted by the VP in the company kitchen:

Important points to note in this very odd scenario:

1) Is it just me or does it seem like Schmidt is ALWAYS being sexually assaulted by every woman he works with???? There was definitely another episode that had the same b-plot.

2) Why Schmidt? Correct me if I'm wrong, but he's no Brad Pitt.

3) This VP is not only hot but she is ALL STYLE:

I loveeee this outfit. I would even be tempted to pick it as the best outfit of the week if she weren't such a minor character. The zipper white blouse, the red pencil skirt and the single silver bangle. She's not only VP of Associated Strategies but she is also VP of Perfect Business Fashion EVERYWHERE.

Even if she is clearly nuts.

Jess goes into her interview looking super cute in a red skirt suit and striped Kate Spade handbag.

It saddens me to pick an interview outfit for the best outfit of the week but this is by far the only outfit in contention. Not only does this make her stand out in the waiting room, but it would also make her stand out in ANY business situation. I don't think I've ever seen a red skirt suit work so well EVER. 

Unless you're a female Ron Burgundy.

Unfortunately, the interview goes from this...

...To this:

Mini dogs in teacups! This is worse than that sad Sarah McLachlan dog commercial! Fortunately, her eyelashes stay luscious and gorgeous, even with all those tears. Impossible for anyone else not named Zooey Deschanel.

Emma brings Schmidt into her office to sign a contract that allows them to have sex. She continues to kill it in this black dress and studded belt.

Here is a better look at her 6-inch python heels and poof ponytail:

Damn, this girl had got it going on.

After she screws up her interview, Jess mopes around with Winston (who also believes he's having his period (????)) in these decently cute PJs. Not her best PJ attire BUT I will still never look as good as this when I'm on my period:

Oddly enough, Winston most accurately represents me on my period (and probably 99% of women):

Like, literally, is the writer of this episode spying on me??? Because, this is like a screenshot of my life.

After Nick is miraculously healed from anger issues by a random smiley Asian man in the park (FACT), Nick takes Jess to a pool and uses the same techniques:

So, not only does Jess wear the best non-every day clothes in this episode (bathrobe, business attire) but she also has the CUTEST BATHING SUIT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Nautical, polkadots and big ol' buttons. WANT. SWOON. REPEAT.

Somehow, this whole pool-cradling thing actually works and Jess goes back for another interview in a more serious-looking (but less cute!) outfit:

It's hard to see in the episode but she wears a navy blue skirt suit and a patterned blouse underneath, pretty standard cute biz style.

I mean, not blown away but perfectly dece. And at least it gets her the job!

Unfortunately, she goes back to her boring sweaters by the end of the episode. Thus is the circle of life, I guess.

I hate monotone Jess. But I love Nick's mustard yellow pants! Never did I think Nick could show Jess up in ANY situation, especially FASHION. Good Lawwwd, nothing makes sense anymore!!

Schmidt and his boss continue to have that bizarre sex-contract storyline. I don't know how this woman does it, but who the EFF makes a turtleneck look this sexy?

They go on to have bondage foreplay. God, this storyline is the weirdest. 

Yeah, I take that back:

I don't know what's more unsettling... Nick cradling Winston, Jess helping him, Schmidt watching or the Asian woman playing the flute?

Definitely, Schmidt watching. Creeper.

New Girl: Halloween

What Jess Everyone Wore

Usually this is "What Jess Wore", but we only saw Jess in two outfits this week, and Zombie Woody Allen barely counts. Jess finds herself falling in like with Sam when she learns he's a pediatrician (!) and the kids love him (!!). She invites him to a Halloween festival where she's working the haunted house, and hey - the whole gang's here, including 1) Nick and his college crush Amelia, who perhaps is not his dream girl after all, 2) Winston and Shelia, whose relationship doesn't make it out alive, and 3) Schmidt/Cece/Robbie, who come to an understanding. Maybe? Geez, no wonder Jess dressed up as a neurotic zombie.

So the obvious "outfit of the week" nod goes to the adorable sweater Jess wore while dropping off her man friend’s forgotten wallet.

Love the sweater, love the skinny jeans, love the flats. Cute, casual and perfect for discovering that the dude you’ve been, er, "spending your evenings with" cures sick kids from 9-5.

Sidenote: Jess’s lipstick complemented the sweater without being too matchy-matchy. Well done, friend.

Well, that was fun. Now let’s take a look at Jess’s outfit for the haunted house. Anyone seeing Zombie Hobo as opposed to Zombie Woody Allen?

I think the obvious joke here was "Hannah Eats Her Sisters". Right? Right. Anyway, the costume is a dud because Jess didn’t look pretty or scary. You've gotta commit when Halloween is on the line.

Lest you think I'm being unfairly harsh on Jess, the others didn’t do much better. Here are Cece, her boyfriend Robbie, and Schmidt, aka Angel, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and Young Abraham Lincoln.

How is Cece an angel? Is she even wearing wings? I don’t see a halo. I didn’t think it was possible, but she's managed to look even less like an angel than a Victoria’s Secret model. Schmidt’s Abe Lincoln getup just got mistaken for the groom to Cece’s bride, and Robbie...well, the glasses really took away from the costume.

Eventually, Schmidt allowed Robbie to take the “groom” costume and he went with a backup option – Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike.

Oh dear. I can't unsee that.

Winston and Shelby had the worst Halloween of anyone, since their costumes were so bad that they actually broke up. I mean, a cop, Winston? Really? That is not a sexy costume for a man. And why make us look at that awful fake moustache the day before we begin a month of terrible real moustaches?

Happy Movember!

Shelby’s costume was supposed to be clever, but I dunno, punny costumes are risky territory. At any rate, it's definitely not sexy.

Reigning cats and dogs. Get it? Laughing? I’m guessing your answers are a) yes and b) no.

You can be clever without stapling stuffed animals to yourself, Shelby. Just look at Nick:

Bea Arthur! Took me a minute, but that is a pun I can live with.

And in case you were wondering, this image? Not a Halloween costume.

That's just Nick Miller circa The College years. He’s come a long way, baby.