New Girl: Models

This episode contained cake, cookies, Nadia, and a physical comedy bit worthy of Lucille Ball. Also, there was a Russian monkey cartoon. No, I am not making that up. Jess wants to celebrate Cece's birthday as per usual (cake + Clueless on VHS), but Cece instead suggests that they go clubbing with her model friends... who think that Jess bears a strong resemblance to a monkey in a Russian cracker cartoon. Hey, it happens. Jess throws a fit, gets into a boob fight with Cece (again, not making that up) and ends up filling in for Cece as a car model. Cue the I Love Lucy moments. B plot: Schmidt feels unappreciated, and something about cookies. But we're here to discuss What Jess Wore...

If Jess showed up at my door with a pointy hat, cake, and her "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE!" song, my reaction would be to faceplant that shizz. I mean, really. When's the last time that happened to you? I'd be careful not to get any cake on her cute JCrew boatneck tee, though, as I'd probably ask to borrow it in the near future.

Although, I am a wee bit distracted by the idea that she walked around with that cake exposed to the elements. Ew, right? Or am I too uptight?

When Cece recommends that they alter their 20-ish year old ritual and instead go out with her model friends, we get treated to the first of many flashbacks, this one featuring schoolmarm Jess trying to make conversation with a model.

Jess, a tip: If you're going out with models, try to look like you're going out, not like you're the Sad Girl who waits for her phone to ring on a Saturday night. Ditch the cardi, the pony, and the glasses and I'm guessing the dress underneath would be suitable.

Ah, this is better! A sexed up Erin Fetherston dress paired with sassy blue shoes.

Plus teal hoops, plenty of eyeshadow (no Nick, it's not shoe polish) and a smouldering stare. Mustn't forget that.

But all the smouldering in the world doesn't help Jess. The models still say she reminds them of a monkey from a Russian cracker commercial. I do see the resemblance:

Here, just watch it. You won't regret it.

Ooh, wait! There's a long-form version. Thank you, Internet!

BY THE WAY, we here at YKYLF consulted our on-staff linguist, who translated the lyrics as follows:
In the trees
Up above the birdies
Is the chirping monkey
Monkey where's your crackers?
Monkey, monkey you are my best friend
Blah blah fake Russian mumbo jumbo.

Thanks, Ritchie!

The next day, Jess is sans eyeshadow and in one of her signature adorable PJs. These are by Victoria's Secret, which is funny, because I never pegged her for a VS girl. At any rate, at this point I'm thinking the PJs deserve their own recap. Perhaps we should do a video montage. Or at the very least, a retrospective. Yes/No?

Cute or not, one can not wallow in PJs all day. For the obligatory apology trip to Cece's, she's back in JCrew stripes. Perhaps to symbolize her emotional imprisonment to Cece? Or maybe she just likes stripes.

Let's back up a hot minute to the night before: the models were taunting Jess ("Dance Monkey, dance!"), Jess told the models off, Cece overheard, they got in a boob fight (Nick: "I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little aroused right now"), Jess stormed out, and Cece proceeded to drink herself silly. Fast-forward to the next morning, where Cece is too wrecked to perform her car show duties. Jess to the rescue!

Except, she apparently forgot how to walk in heels. Are these Enzo plats really that much of a challenge? Scroll back up to the big blue heels she wore for her night out. I will say, though, that every time I go to a trade show I'm amazed at the shoes they expect the models to wear. Would they really sell fewer cars if they wore sensible flats? Perhaps some cute riding boots? How about a nice wedge heel, at the very least? I, for one, won't stand for this!

And neither will Jess, apparently.

S'ok Jess. Mega eyelashes and killer heels are enough to do any of us in. At least you still make awesome cake.

New Girl: Neighbors

What Jess Wore

Lamenting her new gig at the Ass-erole Shanty, Jess finds little sympathy with her so-called profesh roommies when a quartet of hipster art students move into the loft across the hall.  Schmidt wheels out a welcome wagon teeming with bro-ness while Jess practices her newly acquired skill for popular 90s impersonations.  I’ll leave you to guess which one got the rose.  Schmidt hates that he can’t keep up with the anti-Joneses and tries to find his fountain of youth in an ill-fitting graphic tee from his frat boy yesteryears.  Not one to let a good opportunity slide by, Nick pokes at Schmidt’s aging and spends more than what I pay for rent on a series of well-executed pranks.  And convinced he’s going to die in the next five minutes, Winston goes after his dreams.  In the end, Jess realizes that she’d rather teach children than hang with them, Schmidt’s glad he’s an asshead, Nick plots to prank Jess, and Winston brought a snowboard into the bathroom.  

There’s not much you can do with a fast-food joint uniform, but Jess makes the best of it with a khaki pleated skirt and a bouncy ponytail.  Leave it to her to take it from ass-erole to sass-erole.

Nothing groundbreaking here, but I can appreciate classic pairings like a fine white sweater with classic navy stripes and a bold red pair of shorts.    

I wish fall in Chicago meant the same thing as fall in LA--shorts with cute sweaters instead of whichever pair of jeans still fit and wool socks.  This Old Navy boat neck sweater and black shorts is the perfect outfit for a chill night in and clearly has “I’m super cute and super fun and will probably be the best hula hoop partner you’ve ever had” emblazoned on every dot.   

Jess was absolutely darling in this red and white striped Anthropologie frock when she chasséd over to the neighbors’ loft--it’s no wonder she entered into their fold so easily.  I love the contrasting vertical stripes at the sleeve cuff and nothing tops off a dress better than a little black bow belt.  Well, other than that gorgeous head of hair.  Watch your Issa/Reiss/McQueen draped back, Duchess Kate, because Jess’s bouncy curls just might give your glossy locks a run for your sterling. 

   

Okay, now I see why Chaz was afraid of the washing machine.  Because apparently, when Jess put her red striped dress in there, the stripes fell off.  As much as I covet this little red Shoshanna dress (ok, fine, I covet every little red dress but don’t throw stones at glass houses; you know you want them, too), the new girl has got to get herself a new color.  And a new belt.  No matter how ridiculously adorable it is.

New Girl: Fluffer

What Jess Wore

In yet another editon of "will-they-or-won't-they", Jess and Nick admit they've entertained the idea of dating, but because Jess can't have sex without talking to Nick first, they realized it's not the greatest of ideas. Sam is still in the picture, though I can't imagine for much longer. Schmidt pretended to be a Romney and the only good that did was prove that he and Cece still obviously dig each other and the world's just not right when they're not together. And even though Winston was busy having sex in his head with anyone but Shelby, he was still the most normal of the bunch. God I love this show! 

Don't hang your head Jess, you've just had a wild, crazy night of amazing S-E-X and to top it off, you look adorbs. Sam should take you home to his mom this instant!

But really, her dress is like sex on the top, party on the bottom. And paired with that rad red belt? Luurve.

Speaking of S-E-X, when the heck are Jess and Nick going to get together?! I'm tired of their bickering. I'd rather see more of the (as Nick so nicely put it) va-va-vooooom!!

Jess Day for President?!

Yeah, I do think this outfit is just meh. I also think it's time to try a new color.

Wait, I'm confused. Is it summer or winter? Jess went from dressing for a day on her yacht to a stroll through the snowy fields. I do die for her sweater, but I still haven't figured out how her cha-cha isn't flapping in the wind.

You guys! Kanye wore this this Brooks Brothers. That means it's COOL! Not like the belt of some obnoxious villan preppy from an 80s movie who wears button down shirts tucked into his jeans. Oh wait...

Still love ya though, Schmidty. 

New Girl: Katie

What Jess Wore

As fellow staffer Kim mentioned in the "Re-launch" recap, New Girl returned this week with not one, but TWO episodes! That’s great news for the YKYLF gang, because we can’t get enough of Jess’s cute ‘n’ quirky style. (I mean, look at me - using phrases like "cute ‘n’ quirky". I could just die of the adorkable.)

By now you know that Jess is newly unemployed, and that's inspired her to mix things up in the romance department. She tried juggling two guys at once, with rather disastrous results. The girl is a total mess right now, but at least she’s quite literally a hot mess. Just look at the cleavage she was rocking this week!

The print on that halter top is fantastic and totally Jess, but the neckline suggests our gal might be maturing a little. Snaps for that!

After a roll in the hay with a cute guy she met at the bar, Jess "Katie" was rosy-cheeked and tousled. Zooey does have fantastic bedhead hair.

Finally, Jess donned a simple red sweater and a sweet white skirt for a date night. Unfortunately, the date was with the wrong guy.

As if that patterned shirt and hideous tie weren’t bad enough, he goes by the name “Bear Claw”. Jess’s face says it all!

That’s all we saw Jess in this week, but I liked what little I saw. She’s definitely dressing a bit more body-conscious this season – even that red sweater was showing some skin!

New Girl: Re-launch

What Jess Wore

New Girl is not so "new" anymore - it's back for a 2nd season! Which means we get to continue recapping Zooey D's gorg hair and hipster-cute outfits. It's a win-win! Unfortunately the episode doesn't start off too well for Jess, as she gets laid off from her teaching job (not even a tiny glitter top hat could soften the blow). Meanwhile, Schmidt's penis cast comes off and like any good marketing expert, he decides to throw a party to re-brand himself. And, as it always does when Schmidt has plans up his sleeve, things get a little cray-cray after that.

Boy o boy, this was not a good week for Jess. First this happened:

"Pure unadulterated friendship" is one way to describe this. So is "Scarred for life" (you can never un-see something like that). THEN she goes to work and is told to pack her things and leave. The silver lining is that she is wearing a super-cute, vintage-style sundress throughout all this trauma:

How cute is that black patent bow belt? She has no idea what is coming, but at least she looks great, right?

Theeeeeen this happened:

I can't lie - I actually find this tiny little glitter hat to be super-cute. Maybe not for everyday-wear sure, but its quirky cuteness actually suits Jess' personality, don't you think? The guys pretty much hate it, but honestly, what do guys know about what's cute, right ladies? I know my boyfriend would be just thrilled if I never wore any clothes, let alone ones with glitter on them. Glitter scares them. Anyhoo, whoever lost this baby must have been sad IMHO.

Jess decides to get out of her unemployment slump by working as a shot girl at Schmidt's "penis party". In typical Jess fashion, she tries to inject a little style and class into the role, but only succeeds in making it super awkward. She walks around quietly asking guys in a Mae West style voice if she can "whet their whistle". She does this in a 1940's style "cigarette-girl" get-up:

Ok, am I the only one who thinks this is totally adorable? I mean, the striped bib with bow, the sailor-style shorts, and *again* the adorable mini glitter hat? Sure, she doesn't have her boobs and butt hanging out but it's so. much. fun. Again, the guys don't like it/don't get it (probably due to the aforementioned lack of T&A) but it's probably just as well because Jess decides that she's not cut out for the shot girl game after all. Pretty sure we all could have told her that 5 minutes into the episode and saved her the grief, but hey - it's a tv show, there has to be a lesson, right? 

What lesson did I learn, kiddies? Don't try to be something your not. Well that and don't play with fire. Seriously, don't - this could happen:

Get in line, ladies. Schmidty is back on the market. 

That being said. If this isn't your fruity cocktail, read on for Jill's recap of Part 2 (yes, there were TWO episodes in this premiere! How awesome is that?!).