New Girl: Elaine's Big Day

What Jess Wore

Ahh, the wedding: a quintessential season finale go-to. It happens with every show and New Girl had to go through the rite of passage at some point. Through the magic of eye-speak, Schmidt deduces that Cece doesn’t want to marry Shivrang, sets out to sabotage the entire extravaganza with his trusty sidekicks Winston Bucky the Badger. As Jess tries to preempt their shenanigans, she and Nick deal with the doubts surrounding their...um, what are they, anyway? But they kiss in the rain, which is television-code for happy endings. Unfortunately, not everyone got to make out in the downpour seeing as how an Elizabeth-Schmidt-Cece love triangle sprouted. This must be what happens when you don’t have an open bar at the wedding

Jess may have only worn one outfit this week, but it was so gorgeous. Aqua is such a springy, bright, happy color and with the sparkly pink sequin patterns, Jess is fresh and girly. And seriously, how comfy do saris look? I would love to wear that to a wedding. Imagine all the wedding cake you could eat without your control top in the way. That thing is such a cake-block. 

More Hale Bob...

Her earrings were a standout piece for me as well. The gold and green make for a litte contrast to the pink and silver detail of her sari. I approve of non matchy-matchy accessories — makes the whole outfit more creative and interesting. This can, however, backfire horribly...as we’ll see when we check in on Elizabeth.

Despite her lovely earrings, the accessory of the day would have to go to Nick. Someone knows how to introduce a zing of color to a classic navy suit. Shoot, I’d love to add that hot pink purse to my own color palette. 

I wasn't totally against his first suit. It would be more than appropriate if he were going to a wedding on, say, the beach. Or in someone’s backyard. In the 80s. But, hey, to each his own. I only ask, for the love of everything good, iron it. Whatever the suit is made of, just iron it or get it pressed.  The wrinkles...oh, God, the wrinkles... 

On the other hand, we have the appropriately attired, but entirely misguided prankster pair, Nick and Winston. In standard wedding fare, their suits are tailored and pressed - maybe a mite ho-hum, but they do look handsome plotting their high jinks and wriggling through air ducts. 

Was Elizabeth’s limp, lackluster hair part of the prank? It’s called hair volumizer. Find it. Love it. Live it. Her dress, however, is the complete opposite of lackluster. The colors look great on her, especially that rich blue cardigan, but that print is garish and as confused as Schmidt. Is that a...tropical motif? Are those butterflies or snowflakes? What is happening?? 

And behold! Proof that black does not necessarily go with everything and that contrasting accessories can go terribly awry. Even Nick’s pretty pink purse would’ve gone over better than that black, floppy, envelope disaster.

And here comes the stunning bride (i.e. the third point of the love triangle). Aside from the fact that Cece’s a model and is by default gorgeous and statuesque in anything she wears, she made an exceptionally beautiful bride. The vibrant red fabric, and ornate gold and jewel detail...so elegant and festive. And that headpiece...now that is a statement piece. Snaps to Indian tradition — you've got accessorizing on lock.

Bonus: even though she sort of got dumped at the altar, at least she didn’t have last week's beard.

So what of the new future Mrs. Shivy? His true love, Elaine, is perfect in this pale peach confection with the vintage lace overlay and pink belt. I have no idea what Elaine’s story is, but this definitely looks like a standard Taylor Swift frock — ultra feminine, simple silhouette, and minimal detailing.  It took me awhile to figure out why I found this dress so uncannily familiar and then it hit me: this is totally my senior prom dress. 

So, while Elaine is busy painting portraits of or writing songs about her itty-bitty boyfriend, what’s the rest of the gang going to get up to this summer? Even with Season 2 at an end, it seems like everything’s just beginning. But what will stick next season — the love or the fashion?  

Yeah, my money’s on the fashion, too.  

New Girl: Winston's Birthday

What Jess Wore

Jess and Nick deal with a post-coital surprise visit from Jess's dad, which goes horribly awry after Nick confesses his wuv for Jessica. Meanwhile, Cece falls asleep on her henna-covered hand and gets henna on her face...the day before her wedding. Bad sign. Schmidt almost loses Elizabeth again, but then crashes her date and asks her to dance in the middle of the restaurant. But whatever guys, because while everyone is too wrapped up in their own business, Winston's is all Samantha-Baker-in-Sixteen-Candles-sad because everyone forgot his birthday. Get your act together, guys. You may be having the Worst Day Ever, but no situation is bad enough to forget a man's birthday!

So last night was that good huh Jess? Well, next time you go bounding out the door in a cute button down that looks way better on you than Nick (and sans pants because you're so ready for round two) best be sure your old man hasn't decided to just pop by. Surprise!

Whilst dealing with the awkwardness of Dad Meeting Guy She Just Slept With, Jess gets a call from her teacher friend who is probably the best dressed of the episode. So much love for this navy polka dot blouse with sailor knot paired with the indigo cardi. She's def got the sexy teacher look down. Give her Jess's glasses and she could totes be all "Hit Me Baby One More Time!"

More Shoshanna...

No sooner has Jess accepted her friend's teaching offer when Cece calls in a crisis. But I'm focused on her bea-u-ti-ful sari. I seriously hope Cece goes through with this wedding because I'm dying to see what she wears. The color combo and sparkle on the neckline are so elegant and it doesn't make her lose her figure. Though as pretty as the sari is, I'd love to see her in a sexy mermaid style dress. Maybe when she marries Schmidt? (Guys, I'm still stuck on them, it's gonna happen!)

Speaking of Schmidt, this happened.

He's too busy stupid-dancing in public with his ex (who's not really his ex anymore) to put a stop to Cece's big day. Though you gotta love their chutzpah...they do got moves, and at least their moves are better than what's on their bodies. Kitty t-shirt? "Froghettaboutit" sweats? I say NAY!

So, back to Jess's Worst Day Ever. Her dad surprised her and she couldn't have round two, her dad and Nick are hanging out together alone (!) and talking about girls (!!), and she still hasn't remembered Winston's birthday. But through it all, she manages to look super pretty with nary a hair out of place.

Love the pastel Easter Day dress and yellow cardigan. This comes in a very close second to her teacher friend's outfit. I just can't shake the image of a five year old wearing the same thing, so she loses points. But I will say that her matching flats def add to the outfit. That's not an easy color to match, so snaps for finding perfect shoes.

Haaaayyy!! I just can't, I have no words for what is going on here. But I do know that not even Sue Sylvester could pull this off.

What I don't get is why Winston went all-out on top, and then paired his pleather jumpsuit with such boring shoes. You've gotta commit to the look, y'hear?

But poor Winston. While Jess is too busy to deal with Cece, she enlists Winston to help. He thinks he's going to his surprise party, but the only surprise he got was Cece's face.

Yup, that's pretty much the right reaction for someone who wakes up with a henna-tatooed face the day before her wedding. God help my maid of honor if something like that ever happens to me. But cheer up Cece, I seriously heart your silk robe! Great colors and fabu pattern! At least you've got something going for you.

BTW? If you were marrying Schmidt, this would not have happened. Karma.

Finally, Jess makes it to see Cece. And only makes matters worse. 

"Burkas isn't 'you guys' is it?" — Jess (while real-life Zooey tried to stifle her laughter).

Jess ends The Worst Day at home, where her dad is blowing up an air mattress in the hallway between her room and Nick's. Fed up with his interference she goes to bed, only to be woken by a text from Nick. Awww how cute!

And of course she shows up in a super adorbs bright pink robe with sexy bed head. And perfect make up. Like whaaaaat? How is that possible?

Unfortunately, Nick's romantic gesture is thwarted when Schmidt and Elizabeth crash to do a little stargazing. And then Winston stumbles up thinking this was a surprise party for him. Woo! He got his Jake Ryan moment!

Yes, everyone realizes they've been total asses, and the gang parties like it's 1984.

Dying to find out if Cece gets the henna off her face goes through with this wedding. And do we think that Schmidt will sweep in and claim his lady love, or has he truly moved on to Elizabeth and her kitty t-shirts?

New Girl: Virgins

What Jess Wore

After Jess gets a text from the man who "took her flower," the gang decides to compete for who has the worst "first time" story. Fat Schmidt has a threesome with Elizabeth and an industrial-sized jar of lube, Winston unknowingly loses it to a hooker, Cece has sex with Mick Jagger (like, can't even) and Jess...let's just say, her story includes steak knives, handsome firemen, and murder. And an ugly flower dress. And antidepressants. And Lisa Loeb's "Stay." Good lord, I guess that's the price you pay when you (almost) lose your virginity in 2000.

Of course, New Girl wouldn't be New Girl without the guys walking in on Jess and Cece doing this:

Ignoring the fact that shaving armpits is not (and never has been) a 2-person job, Jess looks absolutely adorable in her lavender bathrobe. Seriously, does this girl just have a closet full of bathrobes, pajamas and flippy mini skirts? Not that I'm jelly or anything.

Okay fine, totally jelly.

Also, how does Cece look like THAT with shaving cream on her armpits? Ugh, life is so unfair.

After getting a text from Teddy, the guy that took her flower from her "wonderful secret garden," (Nick's words, not mine) Jess is convinced that her "deflowering" story is the worst. Which is pretty appropriate considering what she wore for prom:

Like, I can't. I have no words. This is just too easy. The front, the back, her hair, the matching corsage on her wrist...so perfectly hideous aka so perfectly Jessica Day circa 2000.

But let's be real: it's still butt ugly.

Unable to get her "sewn-on" dress off herself, she runs out into the hallway and meets Dreamy Prebuscent Guitarist. Who she ends up meeting again, 4 years later, in Nick's bar:

Let's break this down:
Jess's hair = thumbs up
Jess's dress = thumbs way up
Cece's hair = WTF
Cece's top = Seriously, WTF.

Jess ends up trying to have sex with Dreamy Prebuscent Guitarist but when the man can't perform (see: prebuscent), they end up like this:

Sure, things don't go as planned. They go WAY BETTER. Like "fireman-picking-you-up-and-whisking-you-away-and-giving-you-the-ride-of-your-life" better.

And who is this hot fireman? None other than Teddy, ladies and gentlemen.

Again, I say UGH. Life, unfair, all that.

Jess heads off to meet Fireman Teddy, wearing her usual black skirt-sweater-saddle bag combo while Cece is dressed for a 40+ zumba class:

Sure, Jess's typical skirt-sweater combo is pretty boring. But honestly, do any of us care?

More Vince...

 

...especially after this?

DAMN NICK. CARRY HER. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CARRY HER ALL THE WAY TO BED.

ANDDDDD the moment we've been waiting for, for like, literally, 40 episodes:

After finally FOREVER, we get to see this happen. AFTER FOREVER.

So do you think this is gonna last? Or will it just get weird?

New Girl: Bachelorette Party

What Jess Wore

It's def a sign that if you can't even pronounce your fiancé's name, you probably shouldn't be marrying him. But regardless, Cece's wedding is on in just three short weeks! Jess plans a surprise bachelorette party for Cece while the boys kidnap Shiv and try to snap a picture of his dong. Yes, weird. But Cece still hasn't seen it and she's freaking out (not weird — the freaking out bit). Shiv promises to love her forever and ever and ever and not to worry about not knowing things about each other. Schmidt still loves Cece (says me) but goes to his ex to ask her to be his plus one to the wedding. She turns him down and makes him eat a whole greasy pizza himself. And Nick and Jess make zero progress, except Jess does get a lovely picture of Nick's package.

OH MY GOD what is that?! Our thoughts exactly Jess. I mean really guys, I just can't. Sue Sylvester called and she wants her clothes back. Sorry Nick, but not even the "dead dad pass" can excuse this velour ridiculousness. As Schmidt so perfectly put it, "you look like a homeless pencil."

Though Schmidt's not really one to talk. Coming out of his room dressed for his Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin' Everywhere class. (Does anyone else feel Schmidt's hilarious one liners and silly antics are keeping this show alive?)

And oh hey, Jess's cha-cha.

Insert standard-issue picture of Jess showing off her awesomely awesome legs, in her one and only mini mini skirt that she's worn in at least 13 other episodes, with her lovely but normal striped J-Crew sweater.

It's like the guy from Blue's Clues misplaced his girlfriend. Also, what's up with her hair? Is it sick?

More Gap...

Two things going wrong here: 1) Umm, pregger lady? Wearing a bra on the outside of your dress isn't sexy bachelorette attire, it's just plain odd. Pregnancy is not an excuse. 2) Jess, while your Kate Spade colorblock dress is pretty, you're at Cece's Dirty Bachelorette Party, not your grandma's tea party. 

You want to know how inappropriate it is for this event? Quinn from Glee wore it to a wedding. Yeah, here at YKYLF we keep track of such things.

Remind me to never take bachelorette party tips from Jess. Snooooze-fest! And to make it worse, everyone is dressed more boring than Emily from Pretty Little Liars. You just know no one was on the phone with their girlfriend for hours whilst going through their closet wondering what to wear. Again, this is supposed to be Cece's dirty bachelorette party! Too much class, not enough sass.

Maybe they were too tuckered out from playing "Pin the Dong on Shivrang." Guess Jess didn't know she may not have needed such a large bullseye. Oh snap! 

Kidding, we don't actually know what size bullseye is needed, since Shivrang didn't cooperate. I actually don't know what's more silly — Nick inside a pencil suit, Nick taking a picture of his peeper in the middle of the bar, Winston sending the picture to Jess, Shiv-Dog allowing Nick's peeper to pass as his own, or this sorry excuse for a bachelor party. 

OK, I know Cece didn't know about her bachelorette party, and thus didn't dress for the event. But it's freakin' Cece for pete's sake! She's supposed to look like a goddess at all hours of the day! As a bride-to-be, one must always be dressed to the nines in case someone springs some surprise something or other. That means not just throwing on the stretched out racer back from the bottom of your closet and a pair of stretchy pants because they're so gosh darn comfy!

But, lesson learned. Not even too-long party dresses, un-flattering tanks, nor pajama sets could come between these two and finally Cece asked Jess to be her Maid of Honor. Awwwww!

And even though Schmidt got rejected by his ex-girlfriend, he stil got to eat his greasy pizza and do his Big Boy dance. 

So in the end, everyone was happy and got what they wanted. Even though I still think Cece and Schmidt belong together, Nick and Jess really need to work things out, and Winston needs to get himself a girl. Do you think any of those things will happen before the season ends

New Girl: First Date

What Jess Wore

The most awkward boob grab leads to the most awkward first date for Jess and Nick. It would have been helpful if Jess knew about the date, not only for the progression of the relationship, but so we could see her in one of her usual adorable dresses. Winston and Schmidt spend the episode trying to sabotage the date, as their whole friendship revolves around Nick. Unfortunately this leads to local hobo "Outside Dave" taking over the bathroom, thus giving the boys something to bond over that didn't involve Nick and his greasy retro mustache.

The wrestling match between the guys over their mutual phone charger leaves Jess in the background looking casual cool in her turquoise Kate Spade sweater, not-bend-over-proof black skirt and tights. I have to say — our girl knows what colors work on her. As for the guys, they're wearing zzzzzz……

But for serious, Jess must have a closet full of blue-hued tops and dresses. It helps that her hair and make-up are perfect — which must be why Nick goes for the most ridiculous boob touch of all time.

Wow.

When Jess goes to tell Cece about her uncomfortable/arousing(?) moment with Nick, she's wearing her usual A-line periwinkle blue dress with a black belt. Love the little red cardi and dorky/hot girl glasses.

More Corso Como...

And can I just mention Cece's top? I long to pull off that shade of yellow, but my pasty-white ass won't let me.

So, after a cringeworthy ask-out attempt, Nick heads off on his date wearing a decent suit. Have we ever seen him clean up so well??

'kay, I just checked last week's recap, and based on the fact that we didn't document Nick at all (even though it was his dad's funeral), I'm going with "no".

The hipster camper Barbie jacket (as fellow YKYLF staffer Kristina aptly deemed it) from the "Cabin" episode makes its return on Jess, along with a nice pair of skinny jeans and camel colored riding boots that I own (though probably a cheaper version). 

I have big love for this red and white baseball tee, but it way misses the mark for a date at a fancy restaurant. I guess that's what happens when you don't actually know that you're on a date.

It's unfortunate that her beautiful ex has to show up with a new trophy girl in a stunning tangerine bandage dress. I'm not sure how he attracted that girl with all that hair, though. Oh, right…the cash helps.

As Winston and Schmidt try to find a way to ruin their date, Winston reminisces about his worst date. Suffice to say it involved a homeless man singing and thrusting his way through George Michael's "Father Figure" in some tightie-whities and an overcoat. I rewound and watched it again and again. If you didn't laugh at this, you may be dead inside.

Anyway, Jess and Nick never quite resolve their status, which can only bring more of the weirdness for many episodes to come. Hooray?