I loved going through Blair’s closet as she prepared for her first date ever. I mean, look at the dress she’s holding, and the dress in the background. So perfectly Blair. In my fantasy world, so perfectly me.

I actually like this dress, which is surprising because I’m not normally a big Marc Jacobs fan. But it’s a great dress for Blair – and it’s young, which we haven’t seen from her in a while.

… case in point. Seriously, Blair, you have so many gorgeous dresses – you were even wearing one three scenes ago – and you chose to go with a below-the-knee flower print dress? I wore that to my high school graduation. At the very least, get it hemmed. I mean, love the shoes, but this is not a first date dress if you’re 19.

I’m pretty sure that this is a bathrobe. No, seriously. And it would not shock me if the purse was what Blair used in the dorms as a shower caddy.

Tonight was an episode of reveals. Not only did we unravel the mysterious return of Dr. Van der Woodsen, but some of the outfits took more than one look to be fully … well, appreciated isn’t the right word.

Like Blair’s dress for the Gala of the Week. My first thoughts: “How very Scarlett O’Hara – wait, does her dress have a bustle?”

 “There’s no way – I mean, it’s a lot of fabric, but Blair wouldn’t – but it is a lot of fabric.”

“Oh, good. It’s not a bustle. It’s multiple bustles.”

I think this dress weighs more than Leighton. Why would they do this to her? Why would they taunt us with a closet full of gorgeous clothes, then swaddle her in what appears to be the curtains from a Sheraton I once stayed in? Clearly, she is not coping with the break-up nearly as well as Chuck is, fashion-wise.

As for Serena … I know we’ve all made jokes in the past about how little clothing Serena wears, about how her legs must have claustrophobia, or that she’s forgotten to put on pants.

But seriously, I think she forgot to put on pants.

Because this is not a dress. This is a long sweater and tights. Not even leggings, somewhat sheer tights. And she is not wearing pants or a skirt.

Yeah, this is totally an appropriate outfit for spending time with the family, lounging around the house, accusing your stepfather of infidelity, or going shopping in the middle of winter in Manhattan.

Oh yes. She leaves the house in this. Are her legs just impervious to cold? Because that is a suede, wool-lined cape, but she is still not wearing pants.

I’ll admit, when I was watching this episode the first time, I didn’t catch Serena’s entrance in this dress. This was the first shot I saw of it. Apparently, I lost my senses for a minute, because I thought to myself, “Oh, that’s a really nice dress. It actually looks classy.”

“Oh. Well, I guess that length is to be expected, but it’s still a great cut on her, and …”

“[sigh] Of course it’s backless. Of course.” Because why look appropriate when you could look like a call girl?

I’d like to point out, the sleeve/cape thing is longer than her dress. Like, by a lot.

At least the girl has the good sense to wear pants while flying. Even if it’s a private jet, it can get pretty cold.

Man, that outfit made me miss New Serena v.1.0’s wardrobe. Back when she had this awesome Upper East Side bohemian look going. Back when she would, on occasion, wear pants.

And the episode ends with Serena more clothed than we will probably ever see her. Pants, an overcoat, gloves, a huge scarf, and a fedora. The only skin you can see is her face. Her legs are probably having a panic attack.

Ugh. Please don’t make me do Jenny. Can we just ignore her and hope that she goes away?

I actually like this outfit. Just not on a 16 year old, because that skirt is way too short and oh my god when did I become a parent?

I feel super-creepy posting this, because again, Taylor is 16, but if you a) can’t legally buy a lottery ticket, and b) can’t bend over in your skirt to get your purse, that is a sign that your skirt is inappropriately short.

Jenny wears yet another ill-fitting, cleavage-baring dress. Shocker.

I know this pose well. See how her right arm is pressed against her body? That’s the international sign of “I think my dress is slipping, and I’m really afraid it’s going to fall off, but I don’t want to hold the top up while I run toward the chaos I have created, so instead I’ll just hope that my arms hold it in place.”

And the back of her dress.  She’d be a much more threatening antagonist if she didn’t always look unkempt and drowning in fabric. As it is, she just kind of looks like a pissed-off junkie.

Oh, did you notice that hair? Yeah, Jenny’s hair has gotten to the point where I want her to snap and pull a Britney, just so we don’t all have to keep staring at it.

This isn’t hair. These are curling ribbons you use to decorate a birthday present.

What is this? I don’t even know – I mean, it has the texture of an old Barbie doll’s hair. The style is basically “matted.” How has no one staged a hair-intervention yet?

It’s nice to see that she put her basket weaving skills to good use.  I’d say it translates nicely from weaving with reeds to weaving with straw.

Seriously, Taylor, I know you think you’re super cool and punk and original and all those things that every 16  year old thinks they are at some point, but you’re not. You’re so painfully unoriginal it’s embarrassing. So stop doing horrible things to your hair, stop pursuing this “music” career, and stop wearing so much eye makeup. It’s not cool or edgy. It’s just getting sad.

Yes. That’s just what the (not scheming) doctor ordered. I’m starting to get the sense that she doesn’t even intentionally accessorize – she just gets dressed and the perfect necklace and earrings just appear on her. She is magical.

I may or may not be including this picture partly because that is my grandmother’s apartment building on the right, and I became way too giddy to see it on TV, as I have spent lots of time staring at those fountains while waiting for a taxi.

Also, I love Lily and Eric’s matching black, and how they walk arm and arm. Man, I’ve missed Eric.

Unfortunately, there weren’t any really great shots of Lily’s dress. She’s been doing a lot of one-shouldered dresses lately, and I love this color on her. It’s actually very similar to her wedding dress, which I thought was kind of an interesting touch.

Damn, Kelly Rutherford’s got great shoulders. And also, I love that Lily has a sparkly pink clutch.

Only Lily Bass would think that a one-shouldered cocktail dress and heels was an appropriate outfit for air travel. And honestly, I can’t really argue that for her, it’s not. She’s Lily Bass. Of course this is what she’d wear to flee the city with her ex-husband.

Ugh. Rufus. I really don’t like when older men wear tight black jeans. I don’t know why. But his whole look is just making me really unhappy. Or it could just be his presence.

I can’t tell anymore if I’m just biased against him, or if his clothes have gotten worse. I really hate him in this long coat they keep throwing on him. Maybe the tailoring is off – it seems too big for him.

The Humphreys are having some serious hair issues. I mean, Rufus’s hair isn’t as bad as Jenny’s, but the Upper East Side is not kind to it.

Brace yourselves. We are officially on Mullet Watch, level 3.

Of course, with Rufus a mullet is never “Business in the front, party in the back.” It’s more “Aging rockstar clinging to his youth in the front, sanctimonious jackass in the back.”

Hi, William! Great timing, I was just talking about characters I have lost interest in.

Don’t look so surprised. If anyone should be surprised, it’s the viewers, because I have a hard time imagining that this is the guy who stole her away from a life of touring with 90s rock bands.

I know you can clean up well. You looked slick on Dirty Sexy Money. But your shirt’s not even tucked in. Who do you think you are, a Humphrey?

Who knew that Nehru Collar Tuxedo Shirts existed? And of course William would wear one without a bowtie. Hey, Will, maybe if you bothered buttoning your dress shirt and wearing a tie once in a while, you wouldn’t have to drug your ex-wife in order to win her back. Just a thought.

A grey pin-striped suit, a shirt with pink stripes, and a tie that verges on purple?

Welcome home, Chuck. You’ve been missed.

And of course, if the occasion calls for formal attire, Chuck’s in a tux. For Dan or Nate, wearing a suit is going all-out. But for Chuck, the only way he can look slicker than his day to day is by going full-out Bond.

Which, quite frankly, is more than alright by me.

The other guys didn’t even put up a fight when it came to wardrobe choices. Let’s just start with Dan, who has apparently taken to entering rooms like The Fonz.

A leather jacket, a brown shirt, jeans. Who saw that coming? I wonder what crazy fashion risks he’ll take with his suit.

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I was expecting.

As for his partner-in-plaid Nate, he’s … wearing plaid. It must be hard to find new things to wear when you don’t have a character. Although, at least he’s trying to make it work. Chase is Blue Steel-ing it up like crazy in this shot.

I will say this about Chase Crawford: he can wear a suit. And he should wear a suit. All the time.

He is Chuck Bass’s best friend and roommate. This plaid phase reflects poorly on both Chuck and the Empire Hotel. If Nate wants to look like he just got off the F-train, then he should get himself a loft in Williamsburg. If he wants to stay on the UES, he’s going to have to step it up.

 Speaking of “up,” I have one question, and I mean this in all earnestness.

Is this the natural shape of Connor Paolo’s hair, or are the stylists using Blair’s old Bump-Its? Because the kid’s got an unusual amount of lift in the crown, and it’s driving me crazy.

Also crazy is the idea of a knit men’s blazer.

And yet, here’s Cameron, wearing one. For the entire episode. He never changes out of it, he loves his Mister Rogers sweater that much.

What is Blair doing with this guy? She doesn’t have to be with Chuck, because the selling her to his uncle thing will put a dent in a relationship, but she’s Blair Waldorf. She does not have to date a boring lacrosse player who wears a grandpa sweater blazer for an entire episode. She is better than that.

Most of the time. She is better than that most of the time.

I've decided to lump all the male characters into one post because this is the episode where they all give up on fashion. Even Chuck. Not even a hint of purple from Chuck.

Let's start with Eric. Who's Eric? It's okay if you don't remember him. He's been a bit of a disposable character these days.  Probably because he's dressing like a Humphrey.




Plaid shirts. How exciting!

Dan, being a Humphrey, does plaid at least once during the episode. This is how he dresses up to go to brunch.


He also does grey like nobody's business.

Now, here's where Dan really loses me: chest hair as an accessory.  Really? I'm not necessarily saying that all men must be chest hair free, I'm just saying Dan is pushing the limits of good taste. It keeps creeping up his neck. By the end of the season it might be up to his chin.

Another fan of plaid and chest hair is Nate.

At least Blair called him on it when she asked if Serena knew he was trying to pull off plaid. But what took her so long? Why isn't anyone else pointing out the errors of the plaid?

Chuck has not only given up on colour, but on clothing as well. Don't get too excited, he spent the episode in his bathrobe.  

When not in a bathrobe, he's the only one to wear a tux with a bow tie to the big event. And is the first and only person to notice that Lily doesn't look like she's dying.  That Chuck sure is a sharp one.

Speaking of the plans of the good doctor Baldwin, not only is he trying to win back the love of his children and ex-wife by making them think that she is dying of cancer, he's also wearing nehru collars to brunch.

I can't even deal with that collar. I suppose the nehru nightmare is better than the alternative, which is strutting into a black tie party with the chest hair blazing.  I guess when the party is in your honour, the tie and top button are optional.  I'm guessing Serena's classy genes come from the Van der Woodsen side.

Finally, Rufus.  Where to begin with Rufus? I don't care enough about Rufus to fact check this, but I'm pretty sure he's worn a version of this sweater in each episode of season three.

I think it's time to put on some waffles and gather the Humphrey-Van der Woodsen clan together: Rufus needs a sweater intervention.   Here's my intervention letter to Rufus:

Dear Rufus:

I know we haven't always agreed on your fashion choices, but there was a time when you at least made choices and didn't just fall back on those damn sweaters.  You used to try to make a statement with your leather jewelery and your hipster western shirts. Granted, you tried way to hard to be a hip, aging 90s rocker, but at least you tried.  When you were a lowly Brooklyn gallery owner, you had some pride in how you dressed. Your outfits may have embarrassed your teenage children, but at least they weren't bored by what you wore.  It seems like access to all that Rhodes-Van der Woodsen-Bass money has caused you to get a little lazy.  Instead of trying to pick an accessory from your Urban Outfitters collection, you just throw on yet another cardigan and make waffles. You're becoming the Mr. Rogers of the Upper East Side.  Shake things up Rufus! Wear a v-neck! With colour! If Lily can wear a designer dress to brunch, then you can at least make an attempt to wear something other than jeans and a sweater...again.

xoxo.
L-A

It's like she's the goth version of Vanessa: far too many layers and drowning in jewellery.

Jenny is also drowning in bad hair extensions.  I am really hoping that the Powers That Be at Gossip Girl are keeping these extensions in because we are building up to a Dallas style cat fight between Jenny and Serena. Shoulder pads and glasses of scotch will fly and Serena will rip out a chunk of Jenny's hair.  It will be epic and save the season.

Of course, Serena can only do tasteful once per episode, which is why she chooses to wear this to get coffee the next morning:

The robe itself is fine. I question the robe only because it appears to be the only thing she's wearing.  If she were wearing that after waking up at Nate's, then I'd probably be okay with it.  But for coffee with the family? Maybe a bit of modesty would come in handy.

I'm not sure if that's what Jenny is wearing. The sloppiness says, "I just woke up".  The pearls and the eye makeup say, "I'm going to go clubbing until 4 am and there's nothing you can do to stop me."  

Serena's outfit only gets more classy and tasteful when she heads to an event to honour her dad's achievements as a doctor:

I was worried when she tried to sit down in that dress. I really thought she was going to flash someone. And I think the cancer in the Van der Woodsen house is the sparkly thing growing on her shoulder.  Before we found out that Serena's dad is a Baldwin, I always wondered how the ever tasteful and classy Lily could spawn a Serena. Now that we've seen Serena's dad and his chest hair, I completely understand how this apple didn't fall far from the tree.

When it comes to fashion heroes, Jenny seems to be confused lately.

She goes from Vanessa to Serena in under 60.

The best part about her formal wear? That was just an old dress from her closet in Brooklyn.  Jenny is going to grow up to be one of those women in couture who says, "oh, this old thing?"  

Blair looks what would happen if I tried to dress like I belonged on Gossip Girl: the hair is flat and the coat is just a little too bulky and off the rack from the outlet mall.  The wannabe minions look far more pulled together than she does:

Their headbands could use a little work, but their hair is shiny and they've chosen tailored coats.  At least Blair still has enough sense to know that she should be wearing patterned tights this season, as opposed to her high school opaque tights.

The minions need to tone it down just a bit. They look like an UES version of Vanessa: too much ruffle and chains.

Lying about being a Columbia student cheered her up. Because as soon as she did that, she became the Blair we knew and loved:

Cute and coordinating hat, gloves, bag and coat.  And the coordinating doesn't stop there! Check out the adorable dress and belt as she pops in for a visit with Chuck.

Love it.

But then blonde wannabe minion, who can't get the size of her headband right, just ruins her happiness. And do you know what happens? It looks like Blair bought a dress in a size too big and forgot to comb her hair:




No wonder the minions looks so smug.



Even thought they both wore metallic dresses and giant necklaces to the party, they know they look better than Blair Waldorf.  And minions should never look better than Blair.  I don't know about you, but I'm excited that she's going to Columbia. I couldn't take another moment of poorly tailored dresses and flat hair.  

I don't love what Lily is doing. The zipper on the shoulder throws me off because I could see the zipper on side of the dress.

And it looked like she was wearing a tank top under the dress. But it's otherwise pretty and very Lily. And of course, she is the queen of accessories.  Well played with the simple bracelet and bow in her hair.

Down in Brooklyn, Vanessa also starts her day off with some sparkle.

Unlike Lily, Vanessa's jacket matches nothing else on earth, except maybe the wardrobe of Blanche Devereaux. It definitely doesn't match the top she decided to wear with it.  And unlike Lily, Vanessa continues to follow the More is More School of Acessorizing.

That explains why she thought the giant bracelet over the jacket was necessary.

She tops it all off by wearing a blanket as outerwear.

Next season, Vanessa wears an ironic Snuggie when she goes out for coffee.

When going out for the evening, Vanessa and Lily are once again a lesson in extremes. I know black tie cocktails and drinks with a CNN producer call for very different outfits, but that's besides the point. 

Why do I even try to snark on Lily? It's just not possible with an outfit like that. 

It is possible to snark on this outfit. Actually, this is good by Vanessa standards. It appears that she is choosing a Vanessa dress from the Anna Sui does Gossip Girl for Target collection and toning down the accessories. Seeing as she is about to meet with a potential employer, it's a good move on Vanessa's part.  Not particularly flattering, the pattern sort of gives me a migraine and it could totally use a belt, but considering the jacket she had on earlier in the episode, this is amazing.  

There's no snark to be found here.  I too would close my eyes and languish in the limo if my winter garb was this lux and glam.

A nice family portrait.  Like I've always said, the family that wears the same neutral color palate together, stays together.  Even if they have to deal with this quack's subterfuge:

Doesn't this look just scream sinister evil plotmaster?  Or executive CEO in the midst of a weekend getaway to the islands?  He most certainly is a Van der Woodsen.

And here's Serena's outfit for Take Your Estranged Daughter to a Very Expensive Lunch Day:

I mean, what is a lunch with your father without a plunging neckline?

And despite the intense drama involved in thwarting Jenny's plans to make Nate hers, Serena sees a silver lining:

Striking a pose!  Sure, she and Nate may have been on the rocks, and Jenny may have needed to be seriously schooled in the fine art of not seducing S's boy (man?) but that's no reason not to show off the latest it bag.

 However, you look quite natty in your scarf!  Don't get too dapper on us though, you're no longer seeing Serena, and instead have taken up with this, um, inspired fashionista:

I would love to be a fly on the wall when Vanessa goes perusing for her signature "incredibly large could it be any bigger?" jewelry:

Salesperson: How may I help you?

Vanessa:  I want the biggest, loudest, most bedazzled earrings in this joint.

Salesperson: Luckily you've come to the right place:  The Enormous Incredibly Massively Oversized Jewelry Emporium.  

Seriously.  Vanessa has a take no prisoners affinity for statement earrings.

All joking aside (but only for a moment), V looks pretty in this shot.  She's maturing.  Not being so so wild or so so eclectic in her wardrobe choices.

But wait!  A few scenes later, another pair of big earrings make a comeback:

And in an emotional final scene, as V ignores Dan's phone call, and we are all left to wonder until next week what will become of our tortured twosome, we have this:

A studded purse.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the studded trend, but the shape of the purse reads more "7th grader I'm in middle school now I'm 6 months past my training undergarments and I need something cute to hold all my crucial womanly items like my six different kinds of lip gloss and my iPhone (kids and their technology today...lucky bitc...I mean they're lucky) than a completely mature I'm not talking to my boyfriend for at least 72 hours because he lied to me so I'll just go hang out at my favorite coffee shop all. the. time." look V was after.

Interesting design.  I even like the back:

Feels a tad risque, but I like it.  However, I am not digging this:

Way too matronly for someone like our girl.  You are not some suburbanite saddled with three screaming babes under the age of five who is trying to both a). hide the 22 pounds of pregnancy weight you put on from Tommy, Luke and Timmy and b). take a fashion "risk" with the detailed (read heinous) black designs.

You are Blair.  Young, fun, lives in the big city.  Which also means:

A resounding NO to this.  Are you taking fashion advice from Vanessa?  (Low blow I know).  Way too busy and way too ugly for you.  Heartbreak does not give you the right to take leave of your fashion sense.  Now granted, you are at a hipster party.  I supposed this is a when in Rome type of moment.

Still, I prefer this lovely image.  A pair dressed to the nines (I mean no one can rock a bow tie like C. Bass) and clearly in love.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that the grand love affair between you two can be resurrected, just like I know Lindsey Lohan's career will be.  (Another low blow.  Forgive me, a Lilo classic, the Patent Trap, was on tonight).

And with all of Chuck's meddling in Nate's love life in this ep, don't you think our suave quasi-villain could have found time to meddle in N's closet?

Way too casual for Nate.  Seems like something more Dan's speed.  I'm guessing though, Nate didn't have too many clean button downs left (see below for the two who are causing N to rack up the dry cleaning bills on those light blue babies).