The Return of the Ring - Part 1 of 2 - Plotted

Everyone is making bad life choices this episode. After not apologizing to Blair about stealing her diary (her excuse: "I didn't think Gossip Girl would get access to the diary pages I uploaded to her website!"), Serena decides to hook up with Dan at the Shepherd's divorce party and record it, because that's what you do when you're a sane person and a good friend. The episode ends with Serena friendless: Blair has kicked her out and Dan never wants to see her again, so Serena turns to her old friends cocaine and anonymous hookups. Lily annuls her marriage to Rufus, despite my hoping that she'd divorce both and take over the title of badass matriarch that Cece has left vacant. And finally, Blair's up to her own bad decisions by choosing Chuck over Dan, culminating in her following him to Monte Carlo (!?!) and going literally "all-in" at a blackjack table.

Let's start this recap off Rhodes-style, shall we?

There. That's better.

From the minute she walked on screen, I knew Blair was going back to Chuck.

Actually, I take that back: when I saw her, my first thoughts were that her coat was super cute, and her legs looked ridiculously long in that miniskirt. Then I got distracted by the hideous flower pin on her collar, because it took me a while to realize she was not wearing a bolero.

More Brian Atwood...

Then I saw her hair and makeup and thought, "Dammit, she's leaving Dan for Chuck."

Blair's hair is back to being dull and greasy. Her makeup is overdone and washes her out. No good comes of this.

Worse, look at this hairstyle:

It's side-braided along the bottom to push all the hair over her shoulder, and the side-braid is this tiny, weak fishtail thing and WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR BLAIR BEAR AND HER BEAUTIFUL BLAIR HAIR? I'm sorry, you guys, I can't do this anymore. Remember when this was her hair?

Now I'm just grateful when her hair is up so I don't have to be reminded of what could have been.

Blair's dress is cute, but something about it just doesn't pop for me. Maybe it's the necklace? Or possibly the lack of color? I don't know, but I would expect more out of Blair.

Particularly in a scene when her mom is handing over the reigns of Waldorf Designs (!!!), you'd think they'd style Blair to the nines.

Now that she's a businesswoman, Blair needs to invest in a good tailor for this jacket. It has potential, but it needs to be taken in all over.

Blair, Penelope's metallic coat puts yours to shame. That alone should be reason to either run to a tailor ASAP or burn this jacket.

I wish we had seen a full shot of this dress. It had so much potential.

I love the colors and the button detailing. So perfect for a summer vacation and business trip in Paris.

And finally, Blair decides to jet off to some European seaside resort town with gambling ... somewhere like Monte Carlo, but it couldn't possibly be Monte Carlo, right?

Because Monte Carlo is in Monaco, and there's no way that Blair would dare go anywhere near Monaco, right?

 ... right?

Unfortunately, the episode doesn't end with Blair and Chuck being arrested by the royal guards. Instead, she bets big on Chuck, abandoning all semblance of character development and reminding us all that nothing from this season actually matters, because Blair is in Monaco with no mention of her ex-husband, and she might as well still be using herself to barter for hotels.

Basically, this is the face I was making throughout the last scene of the episode:

For the record, that is my "Really, Gossip Girl?" face.

Serena spends the episode running around trying to blow up everything in her path. There were several times when I was worried we'd end up seeing Serena's macaron in this skirt. Case in point: this screencap.

I do love the yellow shoes, but seriously, Serena, you need to stop shopping at Streetwalker Kids and start buying your clothes from a grownup store. That's the only explanation I have for why her hemline is that short.

What's black, yellow, and crazy as beehive?

This girl.

Serena's blue dress of shame doesn't warrant mention here, because I am too mad at her for going all Shepherd Wedding on yet another of Blair's boyfriends. Instead, we'll just skip ahead to the part where Dan tells her he never wants to see her again.

This is one of the rare times that I actually really like a Serena outfit, even though it so totally Serena-ish.

Too bad it's going to get pawed at by a drug dealer for the next few hours.

Look, Serena, I might be mad at you and sick of your crazy, but even I think you're better than this. Get off the train, hop on a plane to Sedona, and spend the next few weeks doing yoga in the desert. Way better for your skin than being drooled on by a dude in a leather and denim jacket.

Minions, assemble!

Love the bright colors, love the purses, hate the clothes.

You may go now ... unless you have something better to offer, like some truly stellar outerwear.

Well-played, Penelope. Well-played.

Let's check in and see if Lily's sobered up yet after her morning tea.

Are those pleat-front pants? Nope. Still drunk.

 By the time Lily sobers up, she's dressed in her finest Dynasty-wear.

Only Lily Rhodes could pull this off. If Rufus were anywhere near her in this dress, it would instantly look ridiculous.

To hand over the annulment papers to Rufus, Lily opts for what I've dubbed her Freedom Dress. Unfortunately, she throws on a few too many strands of Liberty Beads.

I don't love the dress, but I do like that this is what Lily wears to serve her soon-to-be-ex husband with papers. Lily Rhodes, never change. And if you do change, please keep going on your descent into darkness. You do ice-cold bitch like only Cece's daughter can.

The Fugitives - Part 1 of 2 - How to save a Bart

Things this episode was big on? Hair (Dan), schemes, misunderstandings and soapiness. All the things we love about GG (well, minus Dan's hair). Totally Not Dead Bart was hit by a car, but he was in hiding from an evil blackmailer. Even though his TOTALLY NOT DEAD father was a total d-bag his entire life, Chuck is determined to save his life (anyone else looking forward to the reunion with Lily?) and recruits Blair to help. Blair's solution? Entrap the evil blackmailer with Lola and Chivy pretending to be twin prostitutes. Meanwhile, Nate almost blows the whole scheme because his knickers are in a twist about Diana/India and her lies. He really needs to learn to trust Chuck and his plans. Dan wants Blair to go to Rome with him, but still has some serious trust issues to work through. And Serena, bless her heart, is Blair's best friend and worst enemy: she helps secure Dan's spot in Rome by pretending to be B, but is going to cause some heartbreak because she's leaked B's diary to GG.

In an ominous looking country manor, all is revealed to us about the mysterious not actually a death of Bart Bass.

If you were going to have a prostitute party and then reveal Secrets to you son, this really is the place to do it. A hotel room wouldn't do at all. Mostly because not enough hotels, especially not the ones you own, have majestic looking wood pannelling and a good tea service.

Of course, for the revealing of Secrets, it's best to dress in smart, somber business attire - like Bart's conservative grey suit. Nothing too flashy for the first time you chill out with you son since you totally didn't die (I know. This newly alive Bart is still a miracle to me).

When learning the goods on how your dad faked his death, It's best to go with a pinstriped three piece suit. Don't get too flashy with your colours either.

You know, stick to your signature purple for shirt, tie and pocket square. Let the patterns do the talking for you.

Mostly because you'll probably spend most of your day dumbfounded that your dad is totally not dead.

For the fellows who are double crossing you/just messing things up because that's what they do best, colour coordinating your shirt and tie is the way to roll. However, here's some how-tos:

Don't make like the PI and match your tie to your shirt. At least not that close in colour.

Instead, make like Nate and get into the some colour family, but without geting all matchy.

Nate may have smoked too much for his developing mind, but he does eventually get what's going to happen and works with the plot.

For those ladies in the know, saving Bart isn't about being conservative: it's about colour and lots of it.

The bright green sheath is fantastic on our Bart-saving Madame. And the detailing is a nice touch. A bit of a departure from her usual just skin tight dress.

A yellow coat is also the way to go, especially when you pair it with a bright, autumnal print dress and some giant pearls. It says, "I'm schemey AND fun!". It'll look trop classy as you show some girls how to entrap a man with nothing but your feminine wiles.

More Peter Som...

Well, that and some slinky negligees.

And a pair of handcuffs.

Oh that B Waldorf! She really is all class.

For the ladies who play the part of prostitutes in schemes? Well, that calls for a completely different kind of outfit.

Not the best ever, but I do love those boots. For a poor girl from Florida, Lola must be learning to work with her newly acquired trust fund. Now if only she'd use it to buy more than jeans and a dozen or so new jackets and coats like her half-sister Serena. 

The pinch hitter for the role of fake twin doesn't much look like Lola, but she's looking pretty good with the white leather and sparkles. Looking like a million bucks that you don't have any more.

When trying to convince a man he's with twins and you don't really look like your fake twin at all, it's important to dress the same. That's how he knows you're twins.

And if you wear the same dress in different colours? Well, he'll think you really are identical and that he needs different dresses to tell you apart. Genius plan! What could possibly go wrong? Other than almost everything since the PI is a double agent.

Interestingly enough, for an episode where no one bothered to do much in the way of outfit changes, I really have to hand it to Chuck and Totally Not Dead Bart: they swapped up their suits just in time for eposing the PI to the police (who happen to be hiding in the next room).

For Bart, the outfit change must be the sensible suit. Nothing too flashy. Probably because he still has to hide from the evil blackmailer.

For Chuck, a job well done means a brighter shade of pocket square.

I love his constant use of the pocket square. I hope it's making the whole pocket square a think among young men these days. His dad must be so proud of his sense of style as well as his ability to jail break him from a restaurant. Proud enough to go for the super awkward hug.

But through it all, I must say I do miss Young, Flamboyant Chuck.

His patterns always put folks to shame. As did his wild antics. I know Totally Not Dead Bart frowned upon Li'l Chuck's antics, but Chuck was so much more fun back then.

The Fugitives - Part 2 of 2 - When in Rome

Lately, things have been all about fabulous robes  (or hideous, depending on your taste) and doing a parent trap style switcheroo. Like Blair channeling Diana or the “twins” ChIvy and Lola.

But let’s start with the robes. Particularly Blair’s. Because she kind of tried this week.

It’s not amazeballs or anything, but it was a clear step in the right direction from what she’s been wearing lately. Maybe she brings the good robe to Brooklyn to make sure they know who’s the fairest of the Burroughs. It’s too bad she didn’t bring a better robe for Dan.

Surprise! Dan is wearing grey! Now, I think it's time we address something: Dan's ever growing head of hair. While I've explained it away to others as "because he's a writer", I think that excuse is wearing thin. And while, for the record, I'm okay with Dan/Blair romance (I know. I'm in the minority), my biggest beef with it is this: there's no way she'd let that hair go on for this long. Not for reals. Especially not with the gel he's been using lately.

The gelled hair? The purple plaid wool? Please. Although, I will say this: Dan without gel harkens back to a time when I did actually like Dan with that much hair.

But that is hair for a teenage boy. Not the boyfriend of Blair Waldorf. Longish is okay, but Dan? This is getting out of control. Especially if you're planning on keeping this girl around.

When Blair looks tidy, tailored, well accessorized and not with limp flat hair, I like her best. That is a fantastic look for Blair. Scheming and planning elaborate desserts really do wonders for her.

Even if those ornate dessert spreads baffle the questionable plot element of Roman writing school alumnus.

But random Rome guy was necessary to bring us this:

Whaaaaaaa? Still no comb, but Serena looking lovely? How is this possible? Well friends, it's possible because she's in costume. What Serena wears when Blair isn't picking her outfit? It's this.

I don't even understand what's happening there. I appreciate her attempts to cover the macaron and wear semi-sensible shoes, but it's like she escaped from a stylish production of Annie. I mean look at these girls:

Now look at Serena:

Seriously. It's leftovers from Miss Hannigan's goodwill donations.

But Serena as Blair? Love it. Love it a lot.

The coat has colour! It pops! Even the headband is super adorbs and full of colour. Much better than the drab outerwear that went with her drab orphan clothes.

The scarf has a nice pop of colour, but girlfriend needs to lay off the beige. Go for something more like this:

And really Dan, you too. Lay off the neutrals and take a page from the Style Bible of Blair W. Colour is your friend. Just look at your ex-girlfriend who shares your fondness for bad hair!

That sheath dress is all kinds of fantastic. The goods are covered, yet it's flattering. The accessories are just right. Golf claps S, golf claps. Although, I'd probably make the same face Eleanor made when she saw you.

I mean, she's comes back from Paris expecting you to flaunt what you've got and instead finds you dressed tastefully? Weird. Although, I'd make the face right back at her, because I'm not sure why Eleanor is wearing the giant wool sack of a cape. Did Paris suddenly turn one of our former regular characters into a person who knows how to dress for chilly weather? Bizarre.

But for all your tasteful dressing S and saving B's plans to head to Rome with her fella, you've dug yourself in deep with your latest shining example of how you're actually kind of a sucky friend.

S, it's what you do, not what you say. Because you can say, "I love you B" until the cows come home

Raiders of the Lost Art - Part 1 of 2 - Les Femmes

Chuck and Nate recruit a bored Blair into their Diana takedown and exposé of Who Chuck's Real Father Is.  As always on Gossip Girl, the answer is less of a surprise than startled wonderment at the gaping black hole that has suddenly ripped the plot wide open.  Serena, très sad that Dan has picked Blair, is losing herself in the role of a lifetime:  Gossip Girl.  Lola, determined to prove she's the only Van der Woodsen who plays at being other people, works with Nate to force Serena to give up the Gossip Girl ghost.  Meanwhile, Rufus (as usual) gives terrible advice to his son, who misuses it and turns into a crazyperson who gives up an opportunity to write for the summer in Rome to stay at home in New York to stalk Blair and her friends (okay, mostly just Chuck).

I've got to give the edge this episode to the females.  It's not every day that one character is able to lose themselves so completely in a sartorial role.  And no, I'm not talking Serena as Gossip Girl but rather, Blair as Diana Payne.  Scarily eerie and nearly meta.  Blair, too, has noticed our Brit's appreciation for tighter-than-necessary garments.

But first, let's start with another of Blair's silken robes.



Lesley-Anne nailed it in her mini-recap when she said that this is some of the worst color-blocking.  I'll add that the strange ombre effect doesn't help its cause at all.  Really, Blair, we know you are better than this.

Love this coat.  The woven blue fabric has awesome visual texture and the blue suits her so well.

Of course, it doesn't suit her quite as well as this blue, but then what would?

Brava, Miss Blair.  You just swiped the crown of Tightest Dress Worn on GG Ever.  Diana is no doubt seething over this travesty.  Seriously, though, she looks awesome.  If dressing like someone else is what it takes to get Blair back to her bombshell outfits, then I'll happily take one masquerade after another.

More Casadei...

Love the idea of the bag, not so much the color.  Puke green is not your friend, Blair.

But this gorgeous khaki trench is so sumptuous and lovely on her, I'll forgive the unfortunate bag.

As for Blair's doppelganger this episode, Diana is still strapping herself into the same old frocks.



I guess if I looked this good at Elizabeth Hurley's age, I'd want to flaunt it too.

Her magenta assymetrical sheath was a slight improvement, but maybe that was only because she was dressing as her real self, India-the-sex-ring-operator.

Last week, I anointed Lola the new Vanessa-in-training.  She slightly redeemed herself this episode.



This is actually a rather sweet, flattering combination on her.  The pink suits her peaches and cream complexion and the textured white tank worn underneath adds interest.  Plus, her hair and earrings are gorgeous, highlighting her amazing cheekbones.

I don't like this coat quite as much, but that is a pretty great scarf she pairs with it.

At India/Diana's mysterious sex party, Lola evolves into one of the waitresses, donning a sexy black dress.



It's very simple, but maybe Lola has finally figured out that the sleeker styles are better suited to her.  Plus, she is rocking that black like nobody's business.

Serena, her half-sister (does anybody else find it immensely amusing how many times Lola and Serena correct those around them who mistakenly identify them as sisters), tries really hard this episode.

Oh, who am I kidding.  She tries this hard every episode.



Blair, you need to borrow this lovely watercolor floral nightwear from your best friend.  It makes Serena look good, which means that it'll look awesome on you.

This dress is . . .problematic.

Serena can't really pull off an innocent, ruffled dresses.  It just doesn't work.  Plus, this looks like it's about a size too small for her frame.



Okay, more like two sizes.  Seriously, black tights or no, that is just way too short for tromping around the city, pretending to be Gossip Girl.  Love your coat though!



Oh, and your scarf too.  That pattern is killer.

Unfortunately, Serena hasn't learned Lola's lesson, and clutters up her black dress with an ugly necklace.



The better to draw attention to her cleavage, of course.  Nevermind that this is a sex-party and the men there aren't exactly going to miss it.

Alessandra, Dan's editor, injects a little realism into Gossip Girl daily life.



It's almost apporpriate for real office wear.  Of course, those sleeves would drive anybody crazy by the end of the day, but cute slacks, and her hair is lovely. She clearly comes from another, non-UES world.

Despicable B - Part 2 of 2 - The Used

It's odd to think of Serena as a victim, when, as Gossip Girl, she has more power than just about anyone. Or so the show would like you to believe. Frankly, she's gotten kind of hang-doggish and pathetic, lately.

There's no better way to cheer yourself up than by donning a truly spectacular scarf.



There are no words for how much I covet this.  In fact, Serena has seemingly left trashy chic behind for mere chic.  Losing Dan to Blair has only improved her sartorial success rate.

Her ombre coat is divine on her and forces the question:  "why doesn't Serena wear green more often?"  It really suits her.



And no stilettos or ridiculous platform boots!  Nevermind that Serena's macaron is, for once, appropriately covered in this awesome ensemble.

Of course, such progress was certain to be temporary.  Serena, forced into attending a happy Rhodes family dinner (an oxymoron, to be sure), she drags out the tightest dress she can find.



Her favorite accessories are being crushed and contained in this ridiculously tight bandage dress.



I'm not certain how she even sat in this.  From her expression, even Serena isn't sure.

But yet again, Serena unleashes the full force of an awesome scarf.



That blue leopard print is to die for.

As for her dear sister (half-sister, Serena reminds us), Lola is still lost.



It's a fact that Lola is a beautiful girl.  Why then does she hide it all away in that ugly brown smock and schlumpy blue sweater?  Would it kill her to wear something fitted and attractive?



The answer to that is, yes.  Because unfortunately the direction Lola's headed is distinctly bohemian, and we've already seen the train wreck that is bohemian fashion on this show.  Vanessa's costume jewelry closet, anyone?

The coat isn't a bad color, I guess, but with the olive green fringed bag and that odd navajo print hanging out of it, it just looks sad.  As a blond, doesn't she realize that the brown blouse is doing her no favors?

At the Rhodes dinner, we get confirmation from more than one source that Lola and Serena are related.

Carol and William confirm it, of course, but then Lola also breaks out the sequins.



It's the beginning of a good idea.  Still, even the old gold shade suits her better than the brown and persimmon of earlier, it's still just an ugly dress.  And after weeks of seeing gold party dresses on her, it's time to try another color.

Hey, remember when we though this girl was a Rhodes? Ivy, imposter extroardinaire, has really let herself go.



Good hair, decent makeup, but my god, was her robe the only coat she had left to her name?  Lily is ruthless, apparently.

Speaking of ruthless, it's taken him three seasons, but Rufus has finally realized he's a kept man.



Bless.  He tucks in his plaid shirts now!  That's overriding evidence that he's become a trophy husband.

The good (okay, more like better) news is that he's discovered the existence of barbers in Brooklyn!



This is a discovery he should share with his son, STAT.



Dan's hair is halfway to becoming a full-time regular on the show.  Also, Blair tried telling us that she picked out this outfit.  Do we look that gullible to you?

I didn't think so.



Pretty typical Dan Humphrey semi-formal attire, although it fit right in with the crowd at the literary party. He was wearing a variation of this back when he was with Serena.  Hopefully now there's at least a designer label inside that sport coat.

Designer labels are something as natural to Chuck Bass as Scotch or Asian hookers.  Sorry.  Asian flight attendants.



This windowpane plaid coat makes everything in the world better.  Chuck's pattern mixing, from the stripes in his shirt to the polkadots in his tie to the paisley in his pocketsquare, might single-handedly bring about world peace.

Worst victim of this episode, hands down, is Carol.

Not only is she exposed as that woman who slept with her sister's husband and got pregnant, but she totally wore this black dress to not only prove she was rolling in the dough now, but to entice William back to the fold.  Ew.  Gross.



She's definitely showing the goods that God gave her.



That necklace screams "I'm cheap, and need the police to cart me away now."

The sum value of her wardrobe in this scene is easily quadruple what it was for the entire rest of her appearance combined.  Whatever kind of person Carol is, she definitely knows how to go out with a bang.