Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.

Father And The Bride - Part 1 of 2 - Party Rock Anthem: Blair's Bachie

Drunk girls are funny. I am so super thankful that Blair had Beatrice spice up her bachelorette party this week. In addition to watching Blair fist pump with the bridge and tunnel crowd, we got to see her take shots, dance to LMFAO, and go to jail. I’d say that party was one meatball short of a Jersey Shore episode. Meanwhile, Chuck partnered with the horrible Father Cavalia in his quest to follow Blair and break up her wedding. Nate and Serena used deception and Gossip Girl to trick Trip into admitting that he drained the brake fluid in Blair and Chuck’s car (thinking it was Nate’s car… natch).  Speaking of deceit, Serena lied to Dan to make him keep dating her, even though it is bad for his writing career. Is S developing feelings for Dan? I hope not! Dan still obviously loves Blair…. Which is why he ghost wrote Louis’s wedding vows. 

Chuck said that “sometimes you have to choose an unsavory partner” to get what you want. If this is what going to the dark side looks like, I’m all for it. Chuck looks incredible in this beautiful purple and rust combination. I adore him in windowpane plaid and these rich colors- obviously Eric Daman does too because this is turning into Chuck's uniform. If Blair doesn’t take him back, I might just try to scoop him up myself. I wonder how he would feel about relocating to Chicago? 

Oh Chuck! A grey wool Chesterfield with a zippy collar… Yes please. We need this kind of sexy sass in the Windy City. Seriously, you can stalk me all day long. Sadly, we don’t have a Laduree here (yet), so you won’t be able to lurk in doorways while snacking on French macarons. Je suis désolée!

The hair and makeup department obviously hates Leighton. Honestly, I can’t take the flat hair or the pallid makeup anymore. Why make her look sickly and then dress her in this adorable blue floral Carolina Herrera organza dress? Craziness.

You know what else is crazy? Serena and Blair’s idea of a bachelorette party! A slumber party at a hotel? Lame. Someone has been watching The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement.  

After Blair accidentally confessed her Chuck lust to Father Cavalia, he met with his wily lover Beatrice to plot and scheme. While I have several issues with this priest, my largest problem is his dashing good looks and tan. He either fake bakes or was just off on a tropical holiday- neither option seems very priestly.

I love a good high pony, and Beatrice doesn’t disappoint. I guess the hair and makeup department has shifted their attentions over to another Princess B. 

I love Diane von Furstenberg as much as the next girl, but this turquoise coat is wack. It makes Blair look like a snowbird in town from Boca. At least her teal hat seems fashion forward.

She should take a cue from Beatrice, who is fresh and trend forward in her collarless wool topcoat and chic hairstyle. She looks like just the girl to fix Blair’s snoozer of a bachelorette. Strippers? Check. Cable TV style party games? Check. Frozen margs and tequila shots? Check. Check. 

Yay the Minions are back! I am actually glad that Beatrice “forgot” to invite Serena because she would have totally put the cabash on the cheesey and fabulous Panchitos party.

All the girls look absolutely perfect for a night of drunken debauchery. I love all of the flowing hair and makeup looks.

Sadly the bride-to-be still looks like a limp hair disaster. I’m not suggesting a bumpit or anything drastic…but my goodness, couldn’t they have done a little backcombing or some hot rollers? At least they finally gave her a little lipstick!

I adore Drunk Blair! OBSESSED. She is so fun and needs to be in every episode. If she is going to start making cameos, the minions need to get their acts together. You simply cannot leave a wasted girl alone outside of a bar. Bad things happen.

In this particular instance, Drunk Blair accidentally ends up with a blunt in her mouth. I’m a little hazy on this part of the story. Who leaves their drugs alone with a rando while they go off and search for a lighter? Exactly. It was amateur hour over at Panchitos. Drunk Blair then mistakes New York’s finest for the strippers that Beatrice ordered. I guess that B had a serious case of beer goggles. Off to the slammer!

Jail seems like a logical place to have a sister/ sister-in-law bonding moment. I am glad that Beatrice and Blair are developing a close relationship (and even happier that Beatrice stopped with her scheming ways).

The best part about this little tête-à-tête was that we got to see Blair’s fabulous Olivia Teagler sequined coat. This is the perfect coat for a night on the town!

I lied. The best part about the Blair/ Beatrice love fest is totally Beatrice’s earrings. These cobalt stunners look amazing on her and bring out the blue eyeliner that she is wearing. Great accessorizing. C’est magnifique!

If I were Leighton, I would start renegotiating my contract. Blair literally looks horrible. I know that it is the morning after her evening of boozing, but this is bordering on mean. She doesn’t even look hungover… she just looks horrifying.

If they were going for realism, they should have given her some splotchy eye makeup, knots in her hair, and a nightstand filled with drunk girl food like tacos or grilled cheese. Not that I am speaking from experience. 

Princess Beatrice is back with her high pony and collarless coat. The tailored dress and her maroon pumps are both a win. Too bad that Father Cavalia is having her shipped off to East Africa for missionary work. I'm not sure this look will work on the African tundra. 

Chuck says that he learned about relationships from Blair and that you should never give up on someone that you love. Because of his deep rooted affection, he decided to make a deal with the devil (well actually a priest).

Chuck's villan look is totally working for me. It isn't as jazzy as the beautiful suit that he had on earlier but it is still a great classic look. I can't wait to see what happens next week!

The Age of Dissonance - Part 1 of 3 - Centre Stage

All the world’s a stage, and all the UES’ men and women merely playing with each other’s hearts. Dan has his way with Cougar Carr in the closet with Serena three feet away as Chuck’s hooker nanny ping pongs between him and Carter, then bats him straight back to Blair, whose official rejection from Yale sends her all the way to crazy town. Nothing innocent about the Age of Dissonance…

Before the Columbia minions, there were the Constance minions.

Nothing can be said for the fringed curtain Nelly is wearing, but other wise I love how the classic outfits have been updated. Gloves stay but sleeves go missing, jewellery becomes heavier and fascinators larger.

Penelope’s maid’s costume is a particular coup: a transparent partlet and sleeves sex up that pretty white collar and apron.

Serena’s a regular swan princess in this blush gown with down accents. Nudes really flatter her skin tone so well. She’s really working the accessories, too: a fabulous feather fascinator and some net gloves.

The matching ribbon waistband and choker are a lovely touch.

And if Serena’s our Odette, then who must be Odile?

Playing the disgraced Countess Olenska, Blair looks scandalous in this textured cut-out dress. The updo and darling tricorn hat are perfectly period, whereas the puffed shoulders and body-con dress say cocktail hour rather than tea and cakes.

Dan is dressed appropriately, for once. He does white tie so nicely that I suggest it should become an everyday fixture of his wardrobe. That grey coat is to die for, I love the contrasting collar.

Nate is still the prettiest pony in the show, as dapper as Chuck in his ascot and scarf. This mix of grey and black is very similar to Dan’s, but Nate would certainly get the first place ribbon.

He has a top hat, after all.

But he wears dirty clothing when he’s not treading the boards – don’t be fooled by the lighting, that’s the same shirt. The difference between black coat and black cardigan does not a decent outfit make.

He still beats Dan’s rumpled school uniform.

Or this brown and khaki disaster.

If you combine these two wardrobe malfunctions, you get: a brown plaid and khaki V-neck concoction! I think this must be a picture of Penn, since Dan didn’t even smile while kissing Rachel Carr Letourneau.

Serena definitely isn’t pulling her weight this episode (or Blake Lively suddenly lost ten pounds and had no time to buy new clothes). A badly fitting black cami topped with a badly fitting grey cardigan, whose buttons match the silver Christmas ribbon she’s slung around her neck for no apparent reason.

Yes, Serena, I’d be laughing at myself too. And crying.

One thing in Blair’s favour is her excellent taste in tights; Serena’s basic black leggings fail to thrill, and her draped black blouse fails to show enough cleavage to thrill Julian, her director crush.

Though I get the feeling cleavage isn’t what floats Julian’s boat…

He's more hetero than metro with those drab colours and poorly fitted clothing, but no straight man has such perfect designer stubble.

Speaking of drab educators, Queller needs a Bump-It for her icky flat hair and a brighter alternative to charcoal. Her bow blouse is dull, despite the gold detailing.

But what does wow is Serena’s final ensemble. A blue dress is basic sexy Serena, but this leather jacket is so sharply cut that it’s more eveningwear than casual. That Chanel purse has stolen my heart – classic in black and gold, oversized and up to the minute. I’ll add it to my birthday list.

When Blair loses control, out come the fashions of her glory days in season one. She tops divinely curled hair with a flouncy headband, a billowy cream blouse with black lace overlay and a sequinned black and grey skirt.

These pieces are wonderfully classy, but the lack of colour makes Blair more Haversham than Hepburn.

Carnal Knowledge - Part 1 of 3 - The Warring Factions

Episode Synopsis:  Rachel, Corn Queen and Teacher Nemesis Extroardinaire, takes her war with Blair to another level with her newest idea--no cell phones in school.  Blair and the Constance Minions fire back with a salvo that might destroy all the Queen B holds dear.  Chuck wakes up from his own Eyes Wide Shut experience and enlists the not-so-helpful Nate and Vanessa to assist him in tracking down the masked woman he cavorted with the night before.

We open with Blair finishing her community service picking up trash in Central Park, and I'm reminded of convicts who do similar work on the side of the highways. Only, instead of a bright orange jumpsuit, Blair dons this orange double-breasted coat with a very flattering empire waist.

 

And I love the extra buckle detail on the back.

Underneath, Blair naturally has on one of her fabulous school "uniforms".



Or rather, it's fabulous from the waist up.  Blair's cream cardigan complete with navy blue bow-tie is charming, but the bulky, ill-fitting blue brocade skirt isn't.

Blair wears some really beautifully vibrant colors this episode.  I don't like the overt shininess of this top, but the color is sumptuous...much like her "I'm not a convict" orange coat.

And then what does she do? She hits it out of the park by pairing it with this gorgeous deep teal coat.

Even her devastation over losing Yale to Nelly Yuki doesn't stop Blair from scheming or from looking her best.



You can only figure out just how depressed she is by the droopiness of her brunette waves, but as usual she does no wrong with her cream and navy embellished shell and cardigan set.

Blair's adversary, the sickly sweet Rachel Carr, actually dresses somewhat similiar to the Queen B, except that she lacks Blair's knack for color and details.

This simple ivory blouse with gold buttons isn't so bad, except when Rachel pairs it with this bland khaki skirt straight from some Midwest mall:

You'd think adding some color would help the situation, but...no. The one color she boasts all episode is this violet sweater with oversized sleeves, but even then it's not quite the jewel tone she's looking for. The fit is just unfortunate, making her flat where she should be curvy, and vice versa.

But, maybe this is just conservative daytime wear? You might assume that she dresses up a bit more at night, right?

You know what they say about assuming. When the sun goes down Rachel gets out the bland argyle.

Harold is his usual dapper self, rocking the argyle in a way Miss Carr can't. It's perfection with a blue and gray sweater, complete with plaid pants.

In fact, Harold seems to greatly enjoy plaid pants, as he chooses another pair for the Constance-St. Jude teacher's meeting.



Love the mixed patterns here--you can definitely see why Blair digs Chuck's wardrobe, considering what she's used to at home.  

The Mean Girls have taken a page out of the book of their namesakes, except instead of wearing pink on Wednesdays, I bet you the Constance girls have a conference call every morning to decide their uniform for the day.

Today's theme?



Brightly colored coats.  I especially love Nelly Yuki's sunny yellow with the exaggerated frog closures.  And how gorgeous does Penelope look in that shade of purple?

After their cell phones are confiscated by Miss Carr, the Mean Girls are more than on board with Blair's plan of Shock and Awe.


 
It's too bad that what's really shocking here is Isabel's hideous orange ruffled sweater.  On the other hand, Penelope and Nelly deport themselves admirably, opting for simple clean lines and more bright colors.  The Mean Girls, Isabel especially, need to favor a more streamlined approach. Perhaps they can take a cue from Nelly, with her simple navy tie and subtly detailed gold cardigan.  Topped off with some gold cat-eye glasses, she's purrr-fection. (Sorry, can't resist a good fashion pun.)

You've Got Yale - Part 1 of 3 - Wait Listed

Episode Synopsis: Yale early acceptances come around in a twist of timeline which baffles viewers and causes Blair’s hair to curl from sheer rage at not getting one. Instead, Serena gets in, amazing those of us who were still unsure if she could write her own name. Dan has will they/won’t they tension with Corn Queen Miss Carr in the hope of breaking yet another taboo this show hasn’t tried yet. Elsewhere, it appears Chuck has given up on both education and multiple facial expressions and is instead focusing on bringing down Jack with the help of Girl Scouts and anthrax. Lily surprisingly assists; Rufus is unsurprisingly ignorant.

When I applied to university, I got a balloon. Blair gets this, with the size of each letter denoting each person’s interest in her: Dorota wants what Blair wants, Harold wants his daughter at his alma mater, and Roman just wanted to organise a brunch and wear appallingly fitted jeans.

Blair-Bear looks wonderful in pink, white and grey, perfectly tailored to conceal her drab skirt. Her ascot and fluted collar add a touch of uptightness – I’m going to have to give up mentioning the white tights. She’s not giving them up, and I’m not giving up hating them. Kind of like an evil stepchild.

The only redeeming quality of the aforementioned Hose from Hell is that they match a glorious white winter coat with heavy black patterning and large buttons. Gorgeous.

Nelly swipes not only Blair’s spot at Yale but also the award for best outfit this episode. This pale salmon coloured confection of a coat is adorable, with particular pulling power in the puffed frills running along the collar and button fastening. Being a Power Puff girl is way cooler than a Queen B.

Miss Carr is this episode’s teenage mutant ninja cougar. She's sweet looking, but a boring navy cardigan and olivey-grey top do absolutely nothing for her.

And speaking of cats, meow. Check out the minions’ death glares.

They emulate their leader with pale, neutral shades and accessories in pink and purple, just like Blair’s blazer. Hazel resembles a gingerbread man, but Penelope’s fuchsia is fierce and Iz’s pared down look is elegant and a little frightening.

Did I mention the minions are all wearing animal prints? You get the cat metaphor now?

Strangely, it’s Blair who loses her way this episode sartorially.

This is her greatest faux pas; the sugar plum fairy dress has a tutu skirt and shimmery bodice which are striking but out of character. Her headband confuses me. It's a pale blue braid that doesn't even match her purse.

Blair regrets hazing Miss Carr (a mild atrocity involving fake reservations) and goes to make amends. To do so, she dons a bed jacket – either that, or an overgrown tulip is eating Blair alive. All these bizarrely vibrant colours makes me wonder if Eric Daman was on an acid trip that day.

Unstyled and possibly unbrushed hair, grey wool coat over who knows what…Rachel, why don’t you go stir a pot of something for needy children rather than trying to stir things up on the UES?

Instead of visiting your students at the weekend in a shirt with straining buttons? You know, if you’re not hoping to be arrested for paedophilia?

Blair’s gone mad.

I’m not kidding.

Is it a dress? Is it a blouse and a skirt? Either way, it appears the Plaid Monster has vomited tartan the same shade as her hair all over her. She pulls it off only because Leighton Meester is clearly trying so hard to make it work. She literally looks like she’s about to pop a blood vessel for this outfit’s duration.

Even Queller, desperately trying to pretend she’s the same actress from two episodes ago, thinks Blair looks hilarious. While dressed like Mr Darcy.

A plaid overdose is this ensemble’s surprise saviour: this coat has clear lines and a brighter colour which livens Blair up, though I’m still none the wiser as to why she’s dressed as a rug.

And neither is Dorota.