Gossip Girl: Save The Last Chance

Part 1 of 2: The Queen B and The Five Families

I think we need to have a little pow wow with the writers. The end of the series is not the time to start throwing in strange plot twists and weird relationships. Also… microfilm?! Isn't that a touch outdated? Will next week's episode have the cast sending telegraphs and listening to gramophones? I digress… 

Craziness is running rampant on the UES. Serena and Dan appear to be in a committed relationship, but want to "make amends" with all of their frenemies before going public. Serena and Blair become besties (again) and cook up a scheme involving high schoolers (again). At least this scheme ends in Blair's professional success. Dan darts around town asking for forgiveness but he keeps getting in the way of all of the ridiculous scheming going on. Ivy and William vdW are an item and are trying to take Lily down (at the request of Lola). Using the microfilm, Ivy tries to entice Bart and Chuck to turn on Lily. Meanwhile, poor, sweet Nate gets blackmailed by Bart.

Look at these love birds! I'm happy that Dan and Serena are back together and I think their twin bed head is adorable. I'm not sure that I understand why they need to "make amends" before going public with their relationship status. But I guess they can't stay in bed all day. 

If I were going to go groveling back to a friend whom I have hurt, this is exactly the outfit that I would wear (minus the black bra that you can see through Serena's sweater. But what kind of day would it be if S wasn't drawing attention to the girls?). I like the Joseph color block sweater that she has paired with the T by Alexander Wang inverted neoprene skirt. The piece de resistance is the fabulous striped Fendi handbag. Serena looks ladylike and appropriate. **checks sky for flying pigs**

Pattern mixing is challenging, but Blair does it well with her daytime look. The small scale silver dots on her tie neck blouse play well with the large medallions on her A-line skirt. Topped off with a black cardigan and signature headband… someone is getting her groove back!  

More Kate Spade...

Nelly Yuki can suck it.  Blair is not the fashion version of a tween (too old to be Queen B and too young to be an established designer). Dorota clearly agrees with me. 

What's a Serena and Blair reunion without a good scheme? The two decide to trick Sage into believing that S and Steven are back together in order to drive her into Blair's arms for assistance. It works and Sage agrees to get the heads of the "Five Families" together. Once the private girl's school Dons convene, they agree to attend Blair's fashion debut. 

The B for Waldorf collection debut is a sea of preptastic tartan.  I just love it. 

You know what else I love? Blair's Alexander McQueen plaid tiered dress! She accessorizes it well with a red head band, red lip, Louis Vuitton tassel necklaces, and her Christian Louboutin plaid pumps. Coco Chanel once said that you should remove an accessory before leaving the house and I wish that Blair had taken that advice and removed the gold embellished cuff. It distracts from her otherwise amazing look. 

And then the Dons show up. Let's ignore Sage's too short skirt paired with boots for a moment. Can we talk about Don Brearley? The Brearley tuition is over $38,000 a year. Surely the school can spring for a stylist to help the girls wear red (their school hue) with a little more prudence. At the very least they might want to rethink their approach to the "colors" section in art class. I'm not sure how coral, red, pale pink, and magenta go together, but she's sure trying with those cray Pretty Polly tights.

Fortunately for Blair, all the Dons love the collection. Fingers crossed that Don Brearley went home with some neutral garments. 

Maybe B could sit her down and give her some advice on colored tights. 

I'm glad Nelly Yuki was there to document Blair's success and her impressive use of tartan.  

Suck it, Nelly Yuki. We're Blair fans over here at YKYLF.

From this angle, it looks like Serena is offering supportive words to her dear friend Blair. 

But from this angle, we can see that Serena wore her subtle sequined S&M ensemble to the launch of B's junior line. This Peter Pilotto dress is 50 Shades of inappropriate for the occasion. Serena does get fashion points for the high pony and embellished Valentino clutch. Regardless, she still looks like a walking kinky craigslist ad. 

Serena's glittery dominatrix dress seems well-suited to the bedroom. After a long day of amend making, Dan and Serena are ready to relax. Once S leaves to slip into something a little less Barbarella-esque, Dan can unwind with his chest hair baring v-neck and a quick call from Georgina.

Wait. What?

Apparently Dan is actually writing a Serena chapter for his Vanity Fair piece. This relationship is all an act! Dan may have developed an antisocial personality disorder. And I've got a feeling this is going to send S into another spiral of blackmail, drugs, and train rides to upstate New York when she finds out.  

Gossip Girl: Where the Vile Things Are

Part 1 of 2: Old Flames, Old Relationships

In the end we go back to the beginning...right? Apparently so for the UESers. Serena and Dan find their way back to each other (for the hundredth time), while Blair deals with her "dark side", aka the manipulative bitchy side we know and love. With Eleanor back in town, Blair attempts to make amends, but in the end goes back to what she knows best - high school. Lily throws another benefit, only to find Ivy and Rufus have finagled a way to be her co-sponsors, which bodes well for no one. Meanwhile, Chuck continues his investigations into Big Bad Bart, only to have their plans foiled by Ivy, who is not as innocent as she looks. Who am I kidding, when has Ivy ever been innocent?

Things open up with one of my favourite B dresses to date. The feminie cut and print are so perfect. Her hair, however, is not.

Blair's earrings coordinate with her dress AND her lipstick. Obvi. But if you're putting so much time into coordinating your dress, couldn't you spend a few extra minutes on your hair? I know business isn't going well, but I think Blair can still afford a daily blow out at the salon. 

More Dorothy Perkins...

 

My love for this outfit wanes a bit when B covers up that beautiful dress with a metallic tweed coat and a handbag. The Daytime Glitter of the coat may be a bit much, but it's lovely. Although, is that her grandmother's needlepoint on her bag?

No matter, let's take a moment and appreciate how good it is to have Eleanor back, k? The casually draped leopard shawl. The perfect grape-hued handbag in a classic shape. The hair with all it's volume and life. So, so good to have you back, Eleanor. Maybe you can help your daughter with her wardrobe and her 'do.

As further evidence...

There are many things I don't understand in life: price quantity theory, McLuhan, and now, this dress. Actually, it's not a dress - it's a Peter Pilotto top and skirt. The disjointedness of its construction paired with the really strange soundwave print makes me feel like I'm watching a strobe light.

I need to take a moment to steady myself after seeing this dress. 

Things aren't much better north of her neck. B, I'm sure a "tastemaker" like yourself could choose a better headband than a pile of blue rocks.

In fact, I'm pretty sure you know you can do better. Which is why you're going to focus on high school fashions and bring back the adorbs headbands. 

All that aside, I will say that the oh-so-subtle color coordination between mother and daughter is darling. (Although from far away, the pile of rocks have turned into a mutant blue caterpillar about to devour her head. She should watch out for that.)

I hope this mother-daughter brainstorm sesh ends in designs that aren't horrifyingly tasteless. 

I almost can't fault Dan for wearing the same old boring shirt because a) it's probably cashmere and $5000 (I mean, he has a Vespa now) and b) he's pretty much homeless.

Dear Dan, now that you're getting paid, go spend that Vanity Fair check at John Barrett and tame that head of yours (although, it is leaps and bounds better than the small, angry animal that was perched on your head last season). Then head down a few floors to the Armani boutique and get yourself a proper outfit.

Maybe just two or three new shirts. Maybe a jacket. Maybe some colour. We're not saying you need to go all Chuck Bass on us, but we bet you could rock some hipster chic. 

S and Lonely Boy part 23438403 - the true Neverending Story. 

"I guess this is ok now because our parents broke up so technically we're no longer related."

Except, you know, maybe it'd be better for your growth as functioning adults if you didn't keep sleeping with, breaking up with, feuding with, blackmailing your high school boyfriend/girlfriend. Leave it in the past, kids. Leave it in the past. (Also - wasn't she just doing jumpy claps over an engagement to someone else?!? Writers, are you drunk?)

Serena looks like she belongs in a LES walkup (and idea she scoffs at) with her animal print top, chunky necklace, and maroon cardigan. None of which match, obviously.

Not that Serena cares for such things as matching or covering up your cleave at 9am on a Tuesday. Serena is a free spirit. 

But being a free spirit who cares not for social norms doesn't make these geometric Rag and Bone pants ok. In any universe. Especially paired with those brown boots, which are actually super cute.

Those boots are probably sad they had to spend an entire day with those leggings. We understand, boots. We were sad we had to see them during the entire episode. 

I am super obsessed with Nelly Yuki's hair. The ombre is noticeable, but subtle enough that it could be natural - if you lived in California. The rest of us need an expensive stylist to give us this look and that's okay. 

I also love the sculptured necklace. She really has grown up. But the glasses? Have. Got. To. Go. You are either stylish reporter or hipster chic reporter. Choose one. 

Has Eleanor's ring always been like that? Is it just me or is it oddly similar to a certain Duchess'? Her expression is hilarious, while Nelly's is simply, "ugh, I used to be afraid of you?".

With that hair and that dress Nelly, you can own that experssion - you're the only minion who left Neverneverland and grew up. Yale did wonders for you. 

"Excuse me, I'm due for my hourly martini."

We'd drink too if we saw what B was doing to our company. 

Gossip Girl: Dirty Rotten Scandals

Part 2 of 2

Like a rerun of "Clueless" on a rainy Saturday night - I'm not ready for for my last GG recap to end! But end it must. 

I like Dan's striped shirt here, and I'm going to make attempts to restrain myself from commenting on his hair (as I will not be the first one to jump into that pool).

Trying. To. Restrain. Snark. Look! It's Nate! Continuing to play dress-up at "work"! Good work Nate! You've found the computer's "on" button. Next up: stop hiring your friends and find some real writers who will work for paychecks. They're out there. We promise. I mean, every episode of The Newsroom tells me that there are plucky young journos willing to work overtime, so why waste half your day on Dan, his hair and a mysterious gossip columnist. Especially if Dan is going to wear this:

Man oh man. You can take the Lonely Boy out of Urban Outfitters, but you can't take the Urban Outfitters out of Lonely Boy.

I'm not sure what was in Blair's IV bag, but she made an impressive and stylish recovery.

L.O.V.E. this RED Valentino dress. My favorite colors on Blair have always been the reds and pinks.

But how do we feel about her heels? I've never been a fan of tiger print, but B does manage to make it work here. That being said, I would've loved to see another solid color pattern that maybe one that matches her bag? Or at least of a similar animal to her bag. 

And color coordinating perfectly, here's Chuck with a "Mauve is Macho" dress shirt and pocket square.

Is there another man on the planet who wears purple as well as he does? 

I know the new Waldorf collection wasn't popular with my editor, but I love the bow and the color patterns at work here on Alexa Chung.

Actually, on second thought...I'm not so sure about this collection. Judging by the fashion and color scheme, Blair's muse is 1950's Havana.

Pass me a daquiri like Papa Hemingway used to drink, because that pattern is driving me to the bottle. 

Demon Teen pulls a NSFR (Not Safe For Runway) and strips down to her underthings - completely ruining Blair's show!

Hold up. What in the what now? This is what caused all the scandal? Add a sparkly vest and you've got Serena-style brunch wear! If S hadn't caused a scene, I would have kept on thinking this was just part of Blair's show. 

Oh Sagey....Step-Mommy and Daddy aren't mad at you... we're just very dissapointed with you.

Ouch. We all know what that guilt-trip pain feels like. And S does a mean Mckayla Face. 

At the end of the episode, we have the Upper East Side outcasts - Nelly Yuki (the Youngest Yale Grad Ever) and Lonley Boy - congratulating each other for other people's misfortunes.

Is this a possible love connection? Because girlfriend is looking good these days, now that she's shed the air of minion about her. Alas! A cliché UES hottie recognized Dan and offered to buy him a drink, dashing all hopes of this being a match. Because being the shallow/completely oblivious bro that he is, he blows poor Nelly Yuki off and heads to where the free drinks and the cleavage are. This is why he'll never be able to give up the UES for reals - the free drinks from rich ladies is a powerful motivator to stick around. Also, what would he write about? 

Although, as a fellow writer - I must say - this happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Awesome Girl at Bar: "Are you Matt Solyst?"
Me: "Why yes I am."
Awesome Girl at Bar: "Do you write for You Know You Love Fashion"?
Me: "As a matter of fact, I do."
Awesome Girl at Bar: "I’d like to buy you a drink."
Me: "Fiiiine. I guess... but first I have to finish the drink this other amazing girl just bought for me."

Such is our lot in life.

I figured out a way to say goodbye to Gossip Girl - with this lasting image of Chuck Bass, sleeping in a suit, with matching purple socks to go along with his shirt, tie and pocket square and canoodling with B. 

I'm going to miss you wacky, wealthy, Upper East Siders.

XOXO

Snarky Boy

Gossip Girl: High Infidelity

Part 2 of 3 - Antics and Ateliers

I always knew Blair and I had more in common than our keen sense of preptastic fashion and snarky tongues. Apparently we both use sleeping masks to get the maximum amount of shut eye. While not the most flattering color, these pjs are cute too.

And B had better be bright eyed and bushy tailed because it is WWD Day! Which is kind of like D Day, except that instead of in Normandy, this battle is taking place at the Waldorf Atelier and involves an interview with Women's Wear Daily. Godspeed, Blair Bear.

While Blair was off being fabulous in Paris, Dorota to decorated and staffed Waldorf Designs. I didn't realize that Dorota had such a discriminating sense of interior design. She channeled Dorothy Draper with a little bit of Jonathan Adler thrown into the mix. Does Dorota have a Pinterest account? If so, I'd like to follow her. 

Oh, but the staffing component fell to the wayside. Time to call in the Minions! Do you think the Waldorf Designs employee manual requires staff members to wear headbands at all times? It's the only way I can figure why the Minions and Blair are straight-up vintage GG.  

Do not adjust your screens. These ladies are doing neon, pattern mixing, embellishments, and statement jewelry… all at the same time. I think they got loose in the sample closet at Marie Claire. While their looks are totally overdone, I really like the necklaces.

Especially this Assad Mounser mega necklace. Stun-ning. 

Enter Nelly Yuki. 

Nelly, the Minion who got away, is crushing it. She graduated early from Yale, has a fabulous job at a coveted fashion daily, AND has shiny hair. Everything a girl could want! Except for the wee case of Blair induced PTSD and night terrors re: "tights are not pants." 

Nelly was sent by WWD to write an article called "Society Goes Sartorial" that will feature Blair and socialite Poppy Lifton. Unfortunately for Blair, Nelly seems to be shooting daggers through her oversized glasses and Poppy used the same fabric for her debut collection. Blair has 99 problems and her love life ain't one.

You know what is one of her problems? The fact that Eric Daman hates her. What is this outfit?! 

I want to love the cream colored cap sleeve peplum jacket. The fit is very current and I think it would look killer if paired with the right bottom. Sadly, the pastel Alice + Olivia pleated number is not the right accompaniment. Blair looks like she is headed to an afternoon rendezvous with the Easter Bunny. The multi-colored metallic Louboutins only make it worse.

And then we have the headband. The embellished headband that looks like product of a crafternoon at JoAnn Fabrics. Blair deserves better than that. She practically invented the headband!

This is all just wrong... and so is Chuck's new haircut, but I'll get to that in part 3.

After her scheme to destroy her competitor's pieces went south, Blair was forced to fight clean. She hired an actual team of designers and seamstresses and tasked them with creating a new collection in ten days. Quite the task, but I can tell B is up for the challenge. 

And look! She's so much more much more savvy and sophisticated in this Marc by Marc Jacobs dress. The neckline and waistline proportions are perfect for her frame, and her hair even looks more professional. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a new day chez Waldorf!

Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.