Gossip Girl: Portrait of a Lady Alexander

Part 2 of 2: Money and Scandal

Oh Sage. Weird pattern on the tank top, a necklace that looks like it was made by a toddler and... jeans? Who wears JEANS on Gossip Girl?!

What is this? Secret Life of the Pregnant American Teen? We have no time for normal teenage fashions. 

She redeemed herself, though. Loved the jaunty little fedora perched on her head (also loved her side-braid, very Serena-ish of her), even if it does look like it came from the Bergdorf's children's department.

A tad over-accessorized in the key of Vanessa (is all of this to give us flashbacks to earlier seasons?), but I approve of Sage's flowy, girly printed dress for the horse show. But was I the only one who thought Serena looked a little out of place? 

The wispy cocktail dress with purple pom-poms (what even?!) and bejewelled necklace are more befitting for a cocktail party Then again, S did wear this to brunch:

Oh, hai there, Diana! That color looks great on you!

Oh, my bad. I totally thought you were Diana in that dress. 

I know, S, I'm not sure why you're wearing a skintight dress to brunch, either. But then, I don't know why you make any of the choices you do at brunch. Or at any other time.

Also seems Serena inherited Lily's ability to wear 10,000 pound earrings.

I think I've figured out your brunchwear choice. Could it be, well, this:

Heaving cleave, check.

Near-macaron-sighting, check.

Just another day with S. 

Speaking of sleepwear, pop quiz: who wore it better - Sage or Nate?

I'm going to give this one to Sage. Because she's a teenage girl and doesn't know better. And because I'm just bored by Nate. 

To be completely honest, I could've dug into the YKYLF archives and found a picture of Nate in a suit from one of last year's episodes, or even one from two years ago, and you guys probably wouldn't have noticed. I know I wouldn't have, and it's my job to notice. 

Same old, same old. Le yawn.

Across the bridge in Brooklyn there are even more yawns. Hopefully Rufus got rid of some plaid along with those boxes he chucked... at least he's moved onto checks?

No, the loss of plaid isn't a step forward. Rufus is boring in whatever he wears. 

I was, however, in like with Ivy's casual-just-going-through-Rufus'-things-to-blackmail-someone outfit. I may have copied it already. And props to her for accessorizing perfectly.

Well played, Chivy. I may not trust you. Or care about you. But I like your style. 

I also like how this random (but maybe not random?) guy's tie totally complements his blue button-up. He must be taking tips from Chuck. Maybe he and Chuck are working together, not him and Bart, hmm.* 

*Sartorial foreshadowing, FTW.

Gossip Girl: Dirty Rotten Scandals

Part 2 of 2

Like a rerun of "Clueless" on a rainy Saturday night - I'm not ready for for my last GG recap to end! But end it must. 

I like Dan's striped shirt here, and I'm going to make attempts to restrain myself from commenting on his hair (as I will not be the first one to jump into that pool).

Trying. To. Restrain. Snark. Look! It's Nate! Continuing to play dress-up at "work"! Good work Nate! You've found the computer's "on" button. Next up: stop hiring your friends and find some real writers who will work for paychecks. They're out there. We promise. I mean, every episode of The Newsroom tells me that there are plucky young journos willing to work overtime, so why waste half your day on Dan, his hair and a mysterious gossip columnist. Especially if Dan is going to wear this:

Man oh man. You can take the Lonely Boy out of Urban Outfitters, but you can't take the Urban Outfitters out of Lonely Boy.

I'm not sure what was in Blair's IV bag, but she made an impressive and stylish recovery.

L.O.V.E. this RED Valentino dress. My favorite colors on Blair have always been the reds and pinks.

But how do we feel about her heels? I've never been a fan of tiger print, but B does manage to make it work here. That being said, I would've loved to see another solid color pattern that maybe one that matches her bag? Or at least of a similar animal to her bag. 

And color coordinating perfectly, here's Chuck with a "Mauve is Macho" dress shirt and pocket square.

Is there another man on the planet who wears purple as well as he does? 

I know the new Waldorf collection wasn't popular with my editor, but I love the bow and the color patterns at work here on Alexa Chung.

Actually, on second thought...I'm not so sure about this collection. Judging by the fashion and color scheme, Blair's muse is 1950's Havana.

Pass me a daquiri like Papa Hemingway used to drink, because that pattern is driving me to the bottle. 

Demon Teen pulls a NSFR (Not Safe For Runway) and strips down to her underthings - completely ruining Blair's show!

Hold up. What in the what now? This is what caused all the scandal? Add a sparkly vest and you've got Serena-style brunch wear! If S hadn't caused a scene, I would have kept on thinking this was just part of Blair's show. 

Oh Sagey....Step-Mommy and Daddy aren't mad at you... we're just very dissapointed with you.

Ouch. We all know what that guilt-trip pain feels like. And S does a mean Mckayla Face. 

At the end of the episode, we have the Upper East Side outcasts - Nelly Yuki (the Youngest Yale Grad Ever) and Lonley Boy - congratulating each other for other people's misfortunes.

Is this a possible love connection? Because girlfriend is looking good these days, now that she's shed the air of minion about her. Alas! A cliché UES hottie recognized Dan and offered to buy him a drink, dashing all hopes of this being a match. Because being the shallow/completely oblivious bro that he is, he blows poor Nelly Yuki off and heads to where the free drinks and the cleavage are. This is why he'll never be able to give up the UES for reals - the free drinks from rich ladies is a powerful motivator to stick around. Also, what would he write about? 

Although, as a fellow writer - I must say - this happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Awesome Girl at Bar: "Are you Matt Solyst?"
Me: "Why yes I am."
Awesome Girl at Bar: "Do you write for You Know You Love Fashion"?
Me: "As a matter of fact, I do."
Awesome Girl at Bar: "I’d like to buy you a drink."
Me: "Fiiiine. I guess... but first I have to finish the drink this other amazing girl just bought for me."

Such is our lot in life.

I figured out a way to say goodbye to Gossip Girl - with this lasting image of Chuck Bass, sleeping in a suit, with matching purple socks to go along with his shirt, tie and pocket square and canoodling with B. 

I'm going to miss you wacky, wealthy, Upper East Siders.

XOXO

Snarky Boy

Gossip Girl: High Infidelity

Part 1 of 3 - Adults Only

Nate and Serena are all in the family as they build romantic relationships with a father/daughter duo. I find the entire thing rather horrifying. It's a) creepy and b) the thought of Serena potentially responsible for a minor makes me itch. Speaking of children, Blair decides to sabotage a fellow designer in hopes of looking good in the WWD article written by blast-from-the past Nelly Yuki (I still can't stop saying her full name). Dan and Georgina are trying to sell Dan's insidious sequel but are running up against blocks at every turn. And poor sweet Chuck is focused on finding Bart's secret from Dubai. I wonder what Chuck gets if he guesses right? Lily won a necklace for agreeing to pretend Bart didn't have an affair...

Teenagers loooooove sleepovers! Both Sage and Nate have adorable cases of morning-after sexy bedhead. But you know what isn't sexy? Corrupting a minor.

Before the Jailbait Subplot gets any more entangled, I would like to ask a few questions to the GG writers: Are you trying to make me call Child Protective Services on Serena's new boyfriend, Steven? First he allows Sage to have multiple sleepovers in Nate's bed (on school nights), and then he moves in with Serena without mentioning that he even has a daughter. I am not sure that I understand how that can logistically work. Where the heck is Sage living? 

Steven does not look like a daddy who is wondering about the whereabouts of his child. Instead, Serena and Steven look like they are smelling the wafting scent of fresh coffee. Adults drink coffee and wear real pajamas, ergo Serena is an adult. 

Hold Please: Upon further investigation, I realized that Serena is wearing a blouse from Rag & Bone. Do adults sleep in their clothes?

Wide awake after her mature morning snuggle, Serena went off on her errands to get ready for her big entrance into Adult Manhattan society. I am in lust with Serena's electric blue Marc by Marc Jacobs dress (even though I generally dislike an asymmetrical hemline), and I adore the peachy pink Louboutins and the Fendi bag. Bravo Serena!

Her lovely dress had me thinking that S had become sophisticated. But then she hid behind a car and accused her boyfriend of cheating. Maybe she should have worn the big girl pants instead of the pretty dress? 

Nate looks dashing in a fitted suit and coordinating blue tie. The shortened pant length and brown oxford are more of a hip twist on the classic look. Unfortunately, clothes don't make a man. Nate decided to break up with Sage via voicemail. Stay classy, Nathaniel.

Fresh from lunch with her Dad, Sage is pissed and confused by Nate's voicemail dumping. I mean seriously, who does that?

My guess is that Nate was afraid to meet with Sage in person due to her excessive accessory problem. All of those piece of shiny jewelry might throw him off his game. I'm getting distracted just looking at her! I count twelve baubles and one costume designer who is in league with the jewelry counter at Barney's. 

Dark hair, journalistic bent, high accessory count? As Amanda pointed out last episode, Sage is absolutely Vanessa 2.0.

As her entree into senior society, Serena is hosting the Central Park Conservancy Gala. I use the "term" Gala loosely as this gathering seems to look like the standard GG Party du Jour. Where are the passed apps, silent auction, and live music? But I digress. Anyway, S is trying to keep her eye on the ball instead of focusing on Steven (who she thinks is cheating on her). Her mother gave her wise advice- focus on your social life and stand by your cheating man (this isn't high school!)

Nate discovered that Steven and Sage are not having an affair. They're just father and daughter! I feel so relieved creeped out. But dear old dad is rocking one of my least favorite menswear trends. I really don't care for solid dark color dress shirts when worn with a suit. I don't mind them when paired with slacks and a sport coat, but a suit… no thank you. I prefer my menswear more timeless. I'm also bothered by the fact that Serena and Nate are SLEEPING WITH A FATHER AND DAUGHTER. 

Filled with joy, Nate leans in to smooch his schoolgirl (don't worry, Sage checked first to make sure it was legal). Does anyone else feel like we are one step away from the Maury show? Truthfully, I could see how Nate was mislead. Sage looks fierce in this jungle green cowl neck printed dress. She even took a cue from the "grown-up" vibe of the event and toned down the accessories. 

Oh Serena! We were doing so well. Then you had to ruin it all by showing up with bad hair and an unflattering pale blue-grey beaded situation. This is a horribly unbecoming frock- it washes S out and makes her look bottom heavy. The only redeeming quality is that Serena's chest and cha cha are covered up by the ruffles and beading. 

 

The dress looked a little better as darkness settled over the Gala, but S's hair was still a mess. Girlfriend needs an appointment with a colorist and a deep conditioner ASAP. 

I can only imagine that the living arrangements were ironed out during the Gala, because these three seem a cozy family in the morning light. Looking much more respectable and fatherly, Steven is wearing an attractive shirt and suit combination. Let's leave the trendy shirt choices to the high schoolers. 

Is it me or does the vibrant orange hue of this Alice + Olivia top bring out the multicolored roots in Serena's hair? Maybe I'm just sensitive because I am about a week overdue for some highlights. Anyway, add "booking your own hair appointment" to the "Adult Responsibilities" checklist. The rest of the ensemble is a little bleh. I don't mind the Haute Hippie skirt or the suede pumps. At least Serena looks pulled together and appropriate. 

Sage got hit by the sass mouth truck on the way to school. She actually told Serena that Gossip Girl was for old people! The nerve! She also alluded to wanting to break up her father's relationship, but I say teens who wear fedoras should not cast stones. 

Sage, maybe Gossip Girl can talk some sense into your posse of overly accessorized little friends. Collectively, you look like you robbed a Claire's Boutique. I'm especially bothered by the chick on the left wearing the headband across her forehead. Here's a little history lesson for you. In the Middle Ages, wearing your headband that way was used to cover up skin irritations caused from syphilis. Yuck.

Gossip Girl: Gone Maybe Gone

The Beginning of the End

We kick off the last ten episodes with Serena missing and the rest of our favorite UESers hot on her trail. Blair and Chuck are together, but not, because even a summer hiatus and an end date aren't enough to get the writers to actually stop with the pointless angst. Georgina and Dan are in the best buddy comedy ever. Nate proves yet again why he's lucky he's pretty, as he thinks revealing Gossip Girl's true identity will be the big story that will make the Spectator. It's this crack team of geniuses, and not the NYPD or one of Bart's private eyes, that are on the hunt for Serena. As it turns out, Serena started her summer by ODing on drugs, then followed that up by landing herself a clean-cut Barry Watson. Well, Serena didn't land him - "Sabrina," the Wisconsin-born, Vassar-graduate did. But it all works out when Blair and Georgina blow up a big gay wedding that they thought was Serena's, and all the crazy is detonated in one fell swoop. By the end of the episode we're all back in Manhattan, Nate's got a date with an overaccessorized reporter, and Dan's just seen something he can never unsee: his dad, post-coital with a girl he once dated.

Blair's back, and she's trying her hand at womenswear. Unfortunately for us, she's taking her personal fashion inspiration from the over-40 set.

Initially, I was so thrilled to see Blair looking fresh-faced and dewy, with actual volume to her hair, I didn't think twice about her top. But given that this dowdy double-breasted schmatta is one of her only two costumes, I just can't let it slide.

Especially when Blair's going all Chico's-chic on us for the rest of the episode.

It's the skirt equivalent of The Pants that Ate France, Serena's awful pants from last year's premiere. It look like she's trying to transport a bustle across state lines.

Really, Blair? Were you so distracted by your super-cute Fendi python bag that you didn't do a basic mirror check before leaving the house?

How are you supposed to be leading a major fashion line when you dress like it's a heat wave in December and all your summer clothes are packed except for that one skirt you've been meaning to take to the tailor and the wrap top you left at the dry cleaner?

My point is, you're being one-upped by the intrepid baby reporter, and she's in formal shorts.

And her purse is way cuter than yours. Just saying.

My favorite thing about the new love interest: she gives me an excuse to bring back a YKYLF classic ... the accessory count!

That's one (1) bracelet, four (4) necklaces, and earings that are literally as long as her neck. Looks like Nate has a type, and that's "Girl whose accessories I can borrow or hock as needed."

Credit where credit's due, though - Little Miss Subplot may have a lot of accessories, but the girl has a pretty fabulous wardrobe.

And I love her hair. Love it. It's so bouncy and shiny, with a perfect curl at the bottom without being overdone, and seriously, it's Rosewood-level perfect.

Oh my god. What if 10 Things I Hate About Your Subplot is actually A????

Serena. Serena, Serena, Serena. You OD on the first day of your downward spiral? Are you kidding me?

And girl, you are so lucky that no one stole your shoes while you were having your little Leaving Las Vegas moment. Because that's always a risk when you're conscious while riding NY public transit. Unconscious with your legs dangling like a shoe model, I'm stunned your feet are still attached.

Out of curiousity, is it possible for Serena to attend a wediding without showcasing her massive tracts of land?

Don't get me wrong, of the bridesmaid dresses she's worn over the years, this Jenny Packham is by far my favorite, if for no other reason than it doesn't have a rogue high collar and I think Blake Lively is ridiculously pretty in the buttery yellow. But let's be honest: Sabrina probably would have gone completely unnoticed by our Scooby gang had she opted for a more modest neckline.

Let's move onto someone slightly less insane, shall we? Someone totally in touch with reality.

Which is why she's wearing a giant hat and unflattering maxi dress: because she's broken through the Matrix. Georgina has decided to raid Jackie Collin's closet after realizing she's in a totally absurd show where no one, not even a bunch of gay New York guys, recognize Manhattan's blondest "It" girl.

That's it, isn't it Georgie?

What other secrets are you hiding in your giant accessories, Georgina? Is your massive necklace Gossip Girl? (Joie tank top, btw.)

Oh. Back in NY and the spell is broken, you're back to your greiges. Athough you and Dan match, which makes me absurdly happy.

Wardrobe-wise, we are one step closer to the world's best buddy comedy ever. It'd be like Castle, except amazing.

Speaking of coordinating couples, how perfect are Chuck and Nate's identical colors?

Nate's usual array of "No, I'm a serious businessman, really" blues wouldn't be noteworthy, but when paired with Chuck's coordinating plaid jacket, they are just the most adorable twosome. I kind of wish they'd snuck into the wedding disguised as guests now.

 L-A picked Lily's grey dress as her favorite, but I have to say, I'm loving Lily's abstract sheath dress.

It's so chic and stylish. Much as I love Lily's Hitchcock blonde style, I'd be thrilled to see her wrap up the series in more outfits like this one. It'd be great to see Lily take her place at Bart's side with a shift in her closet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this dress. Well, not entirely.

Gorgeous from the front. Not the most flattering shade for her coloring, but it's pretty classic.

 

However, I refuse to believe that Lily wouldn't have her tailor put a back panel in to keep from flashing her bra to all.

Really. Visible bra band is so ... Ivy of her.

Speaking of, let's see the man who's deluded himself into believing it's perfectly acceptable to get naked with his son's ex on the floor of their loft?

In Rufus's defense, it must be really hard to think when your pants are so tight that you've divided your circulatory system into two hemispheres.

The Return of the Ring - Part 2 of 2 - Plotless

Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?

Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.

For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.

There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.

Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...

This debonair bastard is your competition.

By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.

I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."

Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.

Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.

He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.

 Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:

Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.

Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:

You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.

And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.

And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.

We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.

Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.

As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?

I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.

I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:

Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.

OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.

It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.

Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.

Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.

Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?

Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.