The Return of the Ring - Part 2 of 2 - Plotless

Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?

Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.

For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.

There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.

Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...

This debonair bastard is your competition.

By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.

I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."

Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.

Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.

He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.

 Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:

Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.

Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:

You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.

And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.

And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.

We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.

Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.

As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?

I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.

I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:

Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.

OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.

It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.

Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.

Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.

Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?

Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.

Raiders of the Lost Art - Part 2 of 2 - Les Hommes

Chuck has a whole handful of issues--trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, Blair issues. . .

. . .but at least we can consistently count on him for not having any sartorial issues.



What a gorgeous paisley robe.  Blair, I hope you are taking notes.

And of course, when you show up to ask a lady a favor, you always look your best.  



Like this wonderful gray overcoat.

Or this gorgeous navy pinstriped three-piece suit. 



The pop of color in his lavender pocketsquare and the periwinkle tie is just perfect.  Nobody wears a suit like Chuck Bass does.

Can you really blame Dan for not trying, then?

At least he's wearing a color that isn't blue or gray.  Still sporting that ridiculous hair-mop though.



Minus 50 points for not tucking said shirt in.  Seriously Dan, you are not in high school anymore.

Unbelievably, Nate might be able to give his buddy Dan some pointers.



The slim-cut suit was really designed for a build like Nate's.  Chuck couldn't wear these because he's a bit stockier, but they are sex-on-a-stick for Nate.  Can you really fault Lola for turning her back on a lifetime of UES-hatred for a chance to get into those snug pants?  I don't think so.



I see, though, that Nate has returned to his favorite place -- Island Blue.  That's okay, I'm prepared to be rather indulgent because of how good he looks.

Uncle (Dad?) Jack would feel right at home on the Hairspray set.  He's sporting a serious control freak hairdo.



As if he didn't already look slimy enough.



That is one thing that Bart and Chuck always had in common:  they could wear the hell out of a suit.  Jack just looks sloppy and careless, as if it doesn't matter what's on his body.

As for Mr. Bass himself, he looks fairly good considering that he's spent the last few years in a coffin.

OH WAIT. . .



Still dapper as ever.  Love the blues and grays in his tie, and how his suit picks up the miniscule pinstripes in his shirt.  For sheer genius at complementary matching, Bart needs to be Chuck's dad, dead or alive.

Despicable B - Part 1 of 2 - The Users

Lily goes increasingly rogue as she finally triumphs over Ivy, but when she finds out the Rhodes family is perceived badly by the public, she throws a family dinner to prove everything is fine. Serena catches William in a lie and then discovers an even deeper secret involving Carol and Lola. Meanwhile, Blair finds out that New York Magazine thinks she's low brow for having a marriage shorter than Kim Kardashian's, while Dan is both high brow and an up-and-coming author who's nominated for a debut author prize. Finally, Nate can't leave well enough alone when it comes to his favorite cougar and decides to snoop into Diana's past to find out what else she's hiding, and an even more dangerous secret finally emerges that causes Chuck to question everything he knows about himself.

Lily's always been a bit of a ball-buster, but she usually hid the lengths she'd go to in order to get her way. After enduring Ivy taking her beloved UES penthouse though, the gloves are definitely off, and nothing showcases this better than her style this episode.



Her dark coat and purse hide her inner fabulousness, but not for long.  After all, you can't keep a bad girl down.



Eric Daman doesn't always go the obvious route, but when he does, it usually works.  Lily's leopard print dress tells us that she's lean, she's mean, and she's ready to be single again.  This whole look is just killer.



Love her jeweled cuff!

For the Rhodes family dinner, Lily needs to clean up her act, and acts as innocent as the day she was born, sporting this gorgeous black and white sundress.



The stained glass pattern is lovely, and I spy another glorious bracelet, but that necklace looks like just a lot of luggage tags strung together. It ruins the crisp, clean lines of the dress by marring the neckline. Here are some better options for you:

More Marni...

Her ex-husband, William Van der Woodson, is usually up to no good, and doesn't dress much better.



Is it just me, or do his clothes typically look cheap and tacky?  Although, this is a vast improvement over his standard attire.  Not much variation between the jacket and shirt tone, but they're fairly complementary and it doesn't look like he's going to go take out an informant, so snaps all around.



Oh boy.  It would be nice to get a William Van der Woodson appearance without his patented "I just fried my brain on those fake cancer drugs" expression.  It'd also be nice to see an appearance with his clothes pressed.  That collar is so limp and draggy.

Nate typically floats along, going with whatever scheme's up in the air.  Very rarely (okay, never) does he ever head up a scheme himself.  This new scheming Nate is also sporting an awesome, almost Chuck-like suit.



Seriously, if you can rock those low, tight pants, then by all means do so, Mr. Archibald.  The skinny purple tie is a great departure from the gray, and really completes his look.

But as much as I liked that suit, I have to admit I vastly prefer it this way:



Half off, baby.

Of course, Nate is also being used by Diana, but then, who can really blame her?

No, the only thing we can really blame her for is a lack of imagination.



Yep, it's skin tight and two-toned.  When Nate was browsing through her closet, we saw a lot more interesting selections.  Maybe he should have focused on those instead of on her underwear.

Our Queen B has gone to hell and back the last few seasons.  So it's not really her fault that her hair is so limp and her wardrobe so uninspired.  This episode she tries to find her mojo.



Remember the Old Blair's amazing pajama sets, dripping with lace and sex?  Yeah, this isn't muddy green roses, but snagging a circus tent to use as a robe isn't the right way to go either.

This sundress is a step in the right direction, though.  I love the brightly flowered pattern, and the cute A-line of the skirt.  As for the white pleats, they just don't sit right, but I'll tolerate their presence.

Unfortunately, short marriages aren't the only area where she goes low-brow.



A few weeks ago, I pleaded with Blair to try more youthful looks.  She obviously took my plea and ran with it, forgetting the back of her dress in the process.

It was difficult to figure out exactly what "despicable high brow" was, but Blair's desired label seemingly involved her crashing Dan's big moment and then donating money to literacy.

Hrm.  Okay.

But really, in this Elie Saab, Blair could do just about anything, and I'd be all smiles.



Finally, a gown that isn't baggy and ill-fitted, but shows off her fabulous figure.  I'll even take the black, and that shade of lip color is flawless against her skin. Even her hair doesn't look all that bedraggled.



Let's face it, Blair hasn't looked this fabulous since Season 4.

Salon of The Dead - Part 2 of 2 - The Party Crashers

We only had one suit from Chuck this week, but it was fabulous as always. Only Chuck Bass could pull off stripes, polka dots and paisley. #winning.

Maybe he can teach Serena how to accessorize. I can't even begin to understand Serena's mesh and lace top (dress?), nor do I understand how she isn't unbalanced from the weight of those necklaces.

But, I am loving how effortlessly put-together her hair is. It's not the sad rat's nest it's sometimes become, and it's not overly polished, either. I'm buying the rich bohemian vibe she's got going on.

And the cream coat! The oversized collar! The bag! Serena's leaving her Paris pants and beaded lamp covers behind for sunnier pastures. Next step: covering her macaron.

Oh, and this coat? Love. Love the color, the very on-trend cape silhouette, and the toggle fastening. Another plus: it's longer than most of Serena's dresses.

Like everyone else, I absolutely adored this black beaded Temperley dress on Serena. The beads add interest and enough sparkle, and the low back is perfect for S. I mean, the dress is covering her van der Boobsens and her macaron - it's a miracle!

Close-up of the gorge detail on S' dress.

Diana: "Nate, do you remember that time you--"
Nate (smirk): "Yes, yes I do."
Diana: "--wore a something that was mildly interesting?"

Forgive me if I'm wrong (I have exams, and studying has taken up space in my brain typically reserved for GG trivia), but Nate hasn't worn stripes in...ever? I feel like the stripes and the pinstripe/stripe combo is groundbreaking for dear ol' Nate.

BTW, continuity error. One minute, he's wearing that yummy purple coat, the next second, it's hanging off his arm. Go back and watch. I'll wait.

I totally agree that Diana needs to walk away from the bandage dresses. But I will admit they do look fab on her. It must be the Spanx. And the color? Splendid.

But when you add giant shoulder pads to said bandage dresses? Run, don't walk away, D.

While Diana has commited sins against shoulders, Lola needs a color lesson. I absolutely despise the brown plaid - it looks like something Rufus would wear camping. And are those giant cuffs on her shirt, or giant bracelets?

Again. Lola. Pay attention. These colors are not your friend. Also, is anyone else eerily reminded of Little J (pre-racoon, of course) by this picture? She's got the same, eager look in her eyes. Or maybe it's just the blonde hair.

I will, however, award points for the beaded neckline. That's adorable.

Oh, now we're getting places! This J. Mendel dress was perfect on Lola - the cut, the fit, the color, and I especially love the mesh inset.

She may have bombed the audition before it began, but I give a hearty brava! for both the dress and this asymmetrical navy coat. Lola, I think you've found your signature color! Plus the bag is a great complement.

No, no! Go back to the indigo! Varying shades of brown does not a good outfit make. And that bag is fug.

Sigh. We've gone from bad to worse. This Philosophy knitted dress is feminine and pretty and all, but paired with her skintone and hair, it just washes her out.

Like much of her wardrobe, come to think of it.

It Girl, Interrupted - Part 2 of 2 - The Golden Girls

Serena's says she's ready to relinquish her It Girl status once and for all, yet she's still accepting invites to model lingerie that's named after her.  What did you expect?  That she was going to develop a classy gene all of a sudden? Or some common sense?



Please, this is the girl that wears a see-through beaded lamp cover with a leopard print top.  Serena van der Woodson doesn't know what the word shame means.



However, those are some mighty killer embroidered booties.

Naturally, when headlining a party titled "Down to Your Skivvies" Serena thinks everyone should get a free look at the merchandise. It's a side-effet from all those years as the It Girl around town.



I can't fault her though, that black dress is amazing on her and I love the patterned tights.  I remember fondly the days of old when Blair used to wear youthful, fun stockings.  Now apparently along with all the good hair and makeup, Serena's stolen those too.

And those art deco earrings?  To die for!



Naturally, when she looks beautiful and classy, Serena always has to self-combust somewhere, and this time, it's the back of the dress.



Or rather, where the back of the dress should have been.

As for this fabulous "Serena" lingerie that Kiki de Montparnasse is showing, it's honestly not all that impressive.  Serena shows more skin at a normal cocktail party than in this getup.



The robe is actually kind of sad.  They think she needs to cover up!

Actually, it's not clear what the big deal is about this whole outfit.  It just looks like a simple black slip with a corset top.  Not all that exciting or anything to get excited about.



Clearly, Serena knows it too, so she made her hair extra exciting. Of course, exciting doesn't mean combing.

The morning after any scheme gone wrong, it's imperative to load on as many matching pieces as possible.



Obviously Serena didn't get that memo.

Her striped top is cute enough, and I do like the pop of red in her earrings, but the plaid skirt is a bit of a mess and the tights are all wrong.



Don't even start with those yucky green booties.  She should go green and recycle the kick ass booties from day before.

Lola and Nate are struggling with their relationship and Lola's desire to stay out of Upper East Side social circles.

I think the problem is more that Lola has no idea how to dress in UES social circles.



The red coat is actually really nice on her, and I don't even mind the chunky gray scarf but that ugly brown leather bag needs to go, as do her gray booties.

After her coat comes off, there's not much to celebrate. 



That sweater is a crime against humanity and I'm trying to pretend that she didn't grab that peasant blouse off one of Vanessa's old costume racks.

At the party though, she either steals Nate's credit card or Serena manages to rub off some of her It Girlness.



Admittedly, the makeup is rather terrifying, but the dress is the beginning of a good idea.  I still would have liked to see color here, the nude fabric is just a tad plain and the fit isn't what it could be.

And really, when you are competing with a woman who likes to wear her fabric as a second skin, you can use all the help you can get.



I think Diana's personally invested in enough Spanx to buy the owner her own private island. That blue is a nice color on her, though.

Diana took the lingerie theme a bit too literally here.

But then is anybody surprised?  She is one of the few characters on the show that can truly pull off a black dress, though.

Unfortunately, she gets into neutrals in a shift dress that literally looks as if it might be molded to her.

If you can't see your body underneath because there's so much lifting and harnassing going on, that might be your first sign of trouble.

It's nice to see Nate starting to take his job, and his wardrobe so seriously.  Clearly Chuck has had some influence here.  Maybe he just threw away everything that was hideous, forcing him to start over entirely.

Nate, like any normal guy, has pretty basic workout clothes.  Note to Chuck - wear something like this next time.

Unlike any normal guy, he has a pretty swank business wardrobe.

Just the addition of the checkerboard shirt elevates this ensemble to something instantly fabulous.  Suddenly, we're taking Nate seriously in a way we didn't before.  Oh, and his businessman's haircut is absolutely adorable.



Just becuase this isn't blue, I'm giving it a massive two thumbs up.  Seeing Nate discover the color wheel is akin to what it must have been like to see the actual wheel be discovered - a total revelation.

This gray suit is so amazing on Nate that I was temporarily rendered speechless. 



With the light blue shirt and complementary tie?  He really looks the part of the successful media magnate.  Hmmmm, I wonder who helped him with that?

The co-conspirator in Nate's plan to bring down Diana is Aidan, a boy even more minor than Nate, and Lola's friend from drama camp.



I'm sorry, does he actually look sixteen to anyone?

No?  I didn't think so.  Cute peacoat though.

This cardigan and tie combo however is straight out of the Dan Humphrey playbook.

If Aidan wasn't a random character designed to make Nate film child pornography, then I might actually enjoy seeing him stick around and eventually figure out how to date UES royalty.  C'est la vie, I suppose.