The Undergraduates- Part 1 of 3 - Hamilton House and Hissy Fits

Episode Synopsis: It’s “back to school” time on the Upper East Side. But instead of stopping by the Columbia University bookstore to discuss Gossip Girl’s web redesign, Blair and Serena’s time is spent focusing on the ultra secret and exclusive university club Hamilton House. Go to class ladies and stop worrying about Juliet! She only wears beige;  she isn’t much of a threat. Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Vanessa and Dan discuss what to do with baby Milo (I vote they take him out of the monkey outfit that he has been in for two episodes). Fast forward to Fashion’s Night Out. S and B expose Juliet by staging a public fight and Chuck introduces Eva to Lilly and the fam. The episode ends with neutral color loving Juliet visiting a hot inmate in jail. 

Gossip Girl is down! Blair can't start school without her trusty digital sidekick. Good thing Dorota studied Computer Science at University. She’ll know JUST how to fix this!

I usually just turn the computer off and hope it works when I start it again.

Welcome to Columbia ladies! S and B are looking rather collegiate today.

It hurts to say this but I actually like Serena’s DVF batwing dress. It is effortlessly paired with a woven belt and a beautiful Nancy Gonzalez Glazed python tote. I hope that Serena’s classes are close to each other because her cut out leather heels seem a touch impractical.

I want to love Blair’s ensemble. Gucci and animal print seem like a match made in heaven, but not this time. I really don’t like the cut of this piece or the ombre effect of the fabric (it kind of just looks like a sick cheetah). But all is not lost, her Mulberry Alexa Bag is chic and fab.

Clearly Serena tried to build some extra commute time into her schedule by skipping her blowdry and highlights. Yikes.

Enter Hamilton House- B is so happy to see some familar faces.

Look, it’s Penelope! Although her attitude is rotten, she certainly has on a cute outfit. I love the cream color and the variety of fabrication. I just wish that her jacket wasn’t so thick. With the layering and the belt added in, it kind of looks like someone gained the freshman 15. Don’t worry Penelope, I heard that eye rolling burns like 50 calories.

Judging by the look of disgust, Serena and Blair obviously noticed Penelope’s layering problem too.

Surprise! Juliet, the taupe queen, is the keymaster. Wait a minute.... If Juliet and Nate are both in this secret society why did they just meet last week? Exactly how big is this “exclusive” society? I smell a rat.

What’s in the bag? Blair’s Tiffany Key Crown Pendant, that’s what. Poor S didn't get one. Don’t worry Serena, just hop in a cab and head to Tiffany’s. At $1,500 a pop, you can buy your own.

Cue cell phone rings.

And she’s back…. Check your phone! Gossip Girl miraculously made her entrance right when Blair got her Hamilton House key. The new GG upgrades include live video feed and some sort of Chuck Bass GPS tracking system.

Meanwhile outside of Hamilton House...

Why is Nate so in to plaid this season? Yawn. He does seem rather agitated though. “I thought the only thing he got upset about was a badly-rolled joint.” Guess he doesn't like Serena anymore.

Hold the phone. Penelope and the Minions are wearing white ankle socks and heels. Looks like Blair got in to Hamilton House just in time. Save them B!

Blair seems to be moving fast. I would be too if I were wearing this hot mess of an outfit. Ugh. Blair, did you leave your style in Paris? I wonder what the Minions would think if they knew that she was wearing a Charlotte Ronson for JC Penny skirt? Floral doesn’t seem like a good cure for a “gin and attention” hangover.

And Serena is back to her old pantless tricks. This time she is wearing a horrible high-waisted floral skirt.

Don’t even get me started on the heinous denim vest. Gag.

Again with the beige!  Last week we saw Juliet doing the tag clipping and reattaching- I can only guess that she buys and return clothes. So what is with the overly neutral wardrobe? Go big or go home. I like the Yigal Azrouël dress but would it kill her to wear some color? They only thing exciting about this look is the pair of blue Dolce & Gabbana leopard print denim heels.

Here comes trouble! At first glance I loved Serena’s Jenny Packham dress. It is dramatic, sexy, and perfect for Fashion Week.

But as the scenes progressed I started to think it didn’t fit her very well. It isn’t really flattering in the chest area- although S was so pumped up with Hamilton House rage that I guess she didn’t care.

First ankle socks with heels and now these shiny animal print Betsey Johnson dresses. Minions, I am beginning to worry about you. Add in a bumpit and a fake tan and they could be Jersey Shore does FNO. Oy!

News Alert: The taupe queen is without her namesake color. Thank goodness the FNO people made her wear that Theory t-shirt.

She kind of looks like she wants to hurl that hair extension at Serena and Blair. No dice. Violence is obviously not part of her top secret plan.

Watch it Juliet, Blair and Serena have assembled an army of sequined troops to fight you if you get out of line. Dorota is there too and she has impressive computer espionage skills.

You better back the f up.

Go makeout with Nate instead and then visit your shady inmate friend.

Of Nate's kiss with Juliet: “Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can settle for catfish” Gosh B, why do you have to be such a b?

P.S. I love Blair’s Valentino Sequined Tunic Dress and the Badgley Mischka necklace. It took until the end of the episode, but she finally got it right.

It's a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World - Part 3 of 4 - Blair versus The Minions

NYU really hasn't suited Blair, has it? Maybe it's because she never goes to class. While Blair hasn't exactly adopted that style, she has changed her look since getting there. I think she's a little depressed. There was once a time when Blair was the most pulled together, tailored and coiffed girl in all of NYC. Now, this:

Blair looks what would happen if I tried to dress like I belonged on Gossip Girl: the hair is flat and the coat is just a little too bulky and off the rack from the outlet mall.  The wannabe minions look far more pulled together than she does:

Their headbands could use a little work, but their hair is shiny and they've chosen tailored coats.  At least Blair still has enough sense to know that she should be wearing patterned tights this season, as opposed to her high school opaque tights.

The minions need to tone it down just a bit. They look like an UES version of Vanessa: too much ruffle and chains.

Lying about being a Columbia student cheered her up. Because as soon as she did that, she became the Blair we knew and loved:

Cute and coordinating hat, gloves, bag and coat.  And the coordinating doesn't stop there! Check out the adorable dress and belt as she pops in for a visit with Chuck.

Love it.

But then blonde wannabe minion, who can't get the size of her headband right, just ruins her happiness. And do you know what happens? It looks like Blair bought a dress in a size too big and forgot to comb her hair:




No wonder the minions looks so smug.



Even thought they both wore metallic dresses and giant necklaces to the party, they know they look better than Blair Waldorf.  And minions should never look better than Blair.  I don't know about you, but I'm excited that she's going to Columbia. I couldn't take another moment of poorly tailored dresses and flat hair.  

Inglourious Bassterds, Part 2 of 3 - the girls

Serena's into rubber and Dorota's into heat?  Maybe this episode is more interesting than I thought!

Alas, our favorite housekeeper doesn't get a costume change, but she does get fun props...

Jenny, meanwhile, is dressed like Debbie Gibson circa 1988.  I think I had this outfit in junior high.  That means I can't wear it again, right?

A little less costume-y when paired with a scarf and overcoat.  I no longer have an urge to sing "Out of the Blue".

Wait.  What?  Who is this unadorned, perfectly normal person?  Surely it can't be Vanessa.

She's definitely been body-snatched.  V 2.0 doesn't shop at the Magic Accessory Closet, for one.  And for another...ok, I don't have an additional point.  I'm just delighted to see her so pared down.

HA!  Well, the Minions certainly know how to get into the act.  I'm actually enjoying the locks around the twins' necks.  Normally it's the sort of thing I would mock, but it works well in this application.  Center Minion looks cute and freshman-y (refreshing on this show, no?) and Right Minion is pretty, stylish, and appropriately dressed for the party. (Which, by the way, ROCKED.  Way to decorate to the theme, Dorota/Serena!)

The Debarted, Part 2 of 4 - Jenny and the CB/St Jude Kids

Huh.  Look at that.  Jenny appears to be wearing an actual skirt to school.  I guess when the thermometer dips, Little J makes sure her upper thighs are covered.  So sensible, that one.

Her YSL Roady might say "I'm Queen and you're not" but her gloves say "'Scuse me, gov'ner...have ya got a ha'penny?"

I do love this coat, though.  And the hair extensions look nice, unlike the girl I stood behind the other day on the train.  No, seriously...this is a true story.  Her real hair barely covered her extension roots, much to the amusement of me and my fellow Chicago Transit Authority passengers.  Jenny would never let her extension roots show.  Nor, I imagine, would Queen Jenny take public transportation.  I guess this is why I will never be Queen of Constance Billard School for Girls.

Another fabulous coat, and pretty earrings.  Jenny, you've come such a long way from the rat-headed, racoon-eyed Jenny of earlier this season.

sigh But still, with the gloves.  Is this her way of hanging on to her rock n' roll Brooklyn roots?

Ok, remember when I told you to remember Serena's floppy hat?  Look at what we have here...

Are these hats The New Thing?  I have one, but I didn't realize they were quite so ubiquitous among the high school set.  Now I wonder if I'm on-trend, or just a wannabe member of Jenny's clique. Damn you, Gossip Girl, for making me question my wardrobe!

Oh, and I am SO over the matching colors!  Heathers did it best, GG.  Don't try to copy.

Speaking of wannabe, even Wannabe Girl has caught the hat bug.

As has Random CB Girl in the background.  THE HATS!  THEY ARE TAKING OVER!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

(Hey Eric nice to see you love the coat love the tousled hair ::air kiss, air kiss:: call me for a fro-yo date bye!)

Last days of Disco Stick 3 of 3: Jenny and the others. Oh, and GAGA!

Jenny is now going for a look that was last seen during one of the funeral scenes in the movie Heathers:


Don't get me wrong. I love Heathers. I just don't think we need to repeat some of their fashion choices.

Or wear them with hoodie

But even the Heathers knew that your skirt needs to cover your arse just a little bit. To pants or not to pants? Either Jenny is against pants or she has forgotten them at home again. I'll leave that one for you, Jenny, and the Diplomat's son to ponder.

Hmmm.  (I vote pants. Or maybe a skirt that covers your crotch. Both work fine in my books).

And then we have KenDoll the Diplomat's son. Or the Nate Knock Off.



Seriously. I'm pretty sure Nate wore that sweater and button up shirt for at least a couple of episodes in the first season.  Maybe they're cutting costs and digging into the Season One wardrobe to put on extras. Because they certainly did that with the Chapin Mean Girls.

Here's what I've got to say to those kids: Paul, just because Chuck Bass used to wear an ascot doesn't mean every asshole in New York can pull one off (actually Paul, I think you've got a scarf there, but it's not clear.  Go big or go home dude - wear a scarf out or an ascot in, but don't waffle between the two). At least he did with some flair. Willow, Selma Blair (circa 2001, Legally Blonde) called: she would like her outfit back.

And the minions. Oh the minions. Poor creatures. They pissed somebody off this week.  First off, we have The Twins in their coordinating outfits and gaudy matching necklaces.

Seriously? I'm supposed to believe that Blair would let her minions walk around with those necklaces on? Not even her high school minions got away that kind of shit. As for Amalia and Sophie:

Lacklustre at best. A little too early Blair, but without any of the style.  And well, I don't even know what to do with this:

That's just mean. I know it's a play, and that they're supposed to be a dwarf boy band, but really?  The bad Salt n' Peppa look makes me want to name these Dwarves Unsylish, Uncool, Unfashionable, and Sartorially-Challenged.

Unlike outfits we saw on the other minor characters this week, Maureen Vanderbilt actually did quite well for herself.

She looks the part of a politician's wife. Kudos to you Maureen. Oh, and if you look behind her, you can see a blurry image of what Serena's co-workers wear to work. Yeah. I bet everyone in that office takes Serena seriously. 

Moving on to our morally sound Congressman Tripp (because your wife being kind of devious is totally a reason to shag an 18 year old girl. The press will totally understand. No really, they will. The rule is half your age plus seven, so it's cool)

You know what I've figured out? That there is a belt shortage on the island of Manhattan. Not one man on this show is seen wearing a belt. Chuck has tried to be brave by wearing suspenders, but you know he's wishing he had belts. Is it the recession that has caused the belt shortage? Or maybe the Pied Piper of Manhattan came and lured the belts away?  I think I'll start a belt drive and send them to the cast of Gossip Girl.

Finally, the parents. Lily showed us how "mom jeans" should be done.

The glasses are beginning to wear thin for me, but I do love that blouse.
As for Rufus, he continues to look like a slob and make himself seem as ridiculous as possible (like I'm supposed to believe he's so clueless that he can't figure out the STD the Jenny mentions).

At least we know where Dan gets that dapper sense of style from
And that's it.

I'm kidding. Did you think I'd forget Gaga? Her appearance was a bit on the corny side of celebrity cameos. On a scale of 1-10, with Hilary Duff's appearance this season being seven (not awesome, but totally acceptable) and a one being the utter corniness of Colour Me Badd visit the Peach Pit, Gaga was a four or five. They tried with the Tisch connection. But hell, it's Gaga and she isn't pantsless, so I can deal with it.

I also loved the mental image I got of Gaga playing cards with Blair's step-father: Inconceivable!  What did shock me was that Gaga was dressed more modestly than Jenny and Serena. And she had black electrical tape over her nipples.  Do you know what that means?  It means you need to start wearing some more fabric ladies.I'm not saying so much fabric that you need four guys with fishnets over their head to help you get around. I'm just asking that you cover your hoo-ha a little bit.  That's not too much to ask for, is it?