Gossip Girl: High Infidelity

Part 2 of 3 - Antics and Ateliers

I always knew Blair and I had more in common than our keen sense of preptastic fashion and snarky tongues. Apparently we both use sleeping masks to get the maximum amount of shut eye. While not the most flattering color, these pjs are cute too.

And B had better be bright eyed and bushy tailed because it is WWD Day! Which is kind of like D Day, except that instead of in Normandy, this battle is taking place at the Waldorf Atelier and involves an interview with Women's Wear Daily. Godspeed, Blair Bear.

While Blair was off being fabulous in Paris, Dorota to decorated and staffed Waldorf Designs. I didn't realize that Dorota had such a discriminating sense of interior design. She channeled Dorothy Draper with a little bit of Jonathan Adler thrown into the mix. Does Dorota have a Pinterest account? If so, I'd like to follow her. 

Oh, but the staffing component fell to the wayside. Time to call in the Minions! Do you think the Waldorf Designs employee manual requires staff members to wear headbands at all times? It's the only way I can figure why the Minions and Blair are straight-up vintage GG.  

Do not adjust your screens. These ladies are doing neon, pattern mixing, embellishments, and statement jewelry… all at the same time. I think they got loose in the sample closet at Marie Claire. While their looks are totally overdone, I really like the necklaces.

Especially this Assad Mounser mega necklace. Stun-ning. 

Enter Nelly Yuki. 

Nelly, the Minion who got away, is crushing it. She graduated early from Yale, has a fabulous job at a coveted fashion daily, AND has shiny hair. Everything a girl could want! Except for the wee case of Blair induced PTSD and night terrors re: "tights are not pants." 

Nelly was sent by WWD to write an article called "Society Goes Sartorial" that will feature Blair and socialite Poppy Lifton. Unfortunately for Blair, Nelly seems to be shooting daggers through her oversized glasses and Poppy used the same fabric for her debut collection. Blair has 99 problems and her love life ain't one.

You know what is one of her problems? The fact that Eric Daman hates her. What is this outfit?! 

I want to love the cream colored cap sleeve peplum jacket. The fit is very current and I think it would look killer if paired with the right bottom. Sadly, the pastel Alice + Olivia pleated number is not the right accompaniment. Blair looks like she is headed to an afternoon rendezvous with the Easter Bunny. The multi-colored metallic Louboutins only make it worse.

And then we have the headband. The embellished headband that looks like product of a crafternoon at JoAnn Fabrics. Blair deserves better than that. She practically invented the headband!

This is all just wrong... and so is Chuck's new haircut, but I'll get to that in part 3.

After her scheme to destroy her competitor's pieces went south, Blair was forced to fight clean. She hired an actual team of designers and seamstresses and tasked them with creating a new collection in ten days. Quite the task, but I can tell B is up for the challenge. 

And look! She's so much more much more savvy and sophisticated in this Marc by Marc Jacobs dress. The neckline and waistline proportions are perfect for her frame, and her hair even looks more professional. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a new day chez Waldorf!

The Return of the Ring - Part 1 of 2 - Plotted

Everyone is making bad life choices this episode. After not apologizing to Blair about stealing her diary (her excuse: "I didn't think Gossip Girl would get access to the diary pages I uploaded to her website!"), Serena decides to hook up with Dan at the Shepherd's divorce party and record it, because that's what you do when you're a sane person and a good friend. The episode ends with Serena friendless: Blair has kicked her out and Dan never wants to see her again, so Serena turns to her old friends cocaine and anonymous hookups. Lily annuls her marriage to Rufus, despite my hoping that she'd divorce both and take over the title of badass matriarch that Cece has left vacant. And finally, Blair's up to her own bad decisions by choosing Chuck over Dan, culminating in her following him to Monte Carlo (!?!) and going literally "all-in" at a blackjack table.

Let's start this recap off Rhodes-style, shall we?

There. That's better.

From the minute she walked on screen, I knew Blair was going back to Chuck.

Actually, I take that back: when I saw her, my first thoughts were that her coat was super cute, and her legs looked ridiculously long in that miniskirt. Then I got distracted by the hideous flower pin on her collar, because it took me a while to realize she was not wearing a bolero.

More Brian Atwood...

Then I saw her hair and makeup and thought, "Dammit, she's leaving Dan for Chuck."

Blair's hair is back to being dull and greasy. Her makeup is overdone and washes her out. No good comes of this.

Worse, look at this hairstyle:

It's side-braided along the bottom to push all the hair over her shoulder, and the side-braid is this tiny, weak fishtail thing and WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR BLAIR BEAR AND HER BEAUTIFUL BLAIR HAIR? I'm sorry, you guys, I can't do this anymore. Remember when this was her hair?

Now I'm just grateful when her hair is up so I don't have to be reminded of what could have been.

Blair's dress is cute, but something about it just doesn't pop for me. Maybe it's the necklace? Or possibly the lack of color? I don't know, but I would expect more out of Blair.

Particularly in a scene when her mom is handing over the reigns of Waldorf Designs (!!!), you'd think they'd style Blair to the nines.

Now that she's a businesswoman, Blair needs to invest in a good tailor for this jacket. It has potential, but it needs to be taken in all over.

Blair, Penelope's metallic coat puts yours to shame. That alone should be reason to either run to a tailor ASAP or burn this jacket.

I wish we had seen a full shot of this dress. It had so much potential.

I love the colors and the button detailing. So perfect for a summer vacation and business trip in Paris.

And finally, Blair decides to jet off to some European seaside resort town with gambling ... somewhere like Monte Carlo, but it couldn't possibly be Monte Carlo, right?

Because Monte Carlo is in Monaco, and there's no way that Blair would dare go anywhere near Monaco, right?

 ... right?

Unfortunately, the episode doesn't end with Blair and Chuck being arrested by the royal guards. Instead, she bets big on Chuck, abandoning all semblance of character development and reminding us all that nothing from this season actually matters, because Blair is in Monaco with no mention of her ex-husband, and she might as well still be using herself to barter for hotels.

Basically, this is the face I was making throughout the last scene of the episode:

For the record, that is my "Really, Gossip Girl?" face.

Serena spends the episode running around trying to blow up everything in her path. There were several times when I was worried we'd end up seeing Serena's macaron in this skirt. Case in point: this screencap.

I do love the yellow shoes, but seriously, Serena, you need to stop shopping at Streetwalker Kids and start buying your clothes from a grownup store. That's the only explanation I have for why her hemline is that short.

What's black, yellow, and crazy as beehive?

This girl.

Serena's blue dress of shame doesn't warrant mention here, because I am too mad at her for going all Shepherd Wedding on yet another of Blair's boyfriends. Instead, we'll just skip ahead to the part where Dan tells her he never wants to see her again.

This is one of the rare times that I actually really like a Serena outfit, even though it so totally Serena-ish.

Too bad it's going to get pawed at by a drug dealer for the next few hours.

Look, Serena, I might be mad at you and sick of your crazy, but even I think you're better than this. Get off the train, hop on a plane to Sedona, and spend the next few weeks doing yoga in the desert. Way better for your skin than being drooled on by a dude in a leather and denim jacket.

Minions, assemble!

Love the bright colors, love the purses, hate the clothes.

You may go now ... unless you have something better to offer, like some truly stellar outerwear.

Well-played, Penelope. Well-played.

Let's check in and see if Lily's sobered up yet after her morning tea.

Are those pleat-front pants? Nope. Still drunk.

 By the time Lily sobers up, she's dressed in her finest Dynasty-wear.

Only Lily Rhodes could pull this off. If Rufus were anywhere near her in this dress, it would instantly look ridiculous.

To hand over the annulment papers to Rufus, Lily opts for what I've dubbed her Freedom Dress. Unfortunately, she throws on a few too many strands of Liberty Beads.

I don't love the dress, but I do like that this is what Lily wears to serve her soon-to-be-ex husband with papers. Lily Rhodes, never change. And if you do change, please keep going on your descent into darkness. You do ice-cold bitch like only Cece's daughter can.

Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.

G.G., Part 2 of 3: Macarons and Dayplayers

I always imagined that Serena's dreams are like going inside John Malkovich's brain, where everyone looks like him and only says "Malkovich."

Apparently, though, the inside of Serena's brain is much, much worse.

It involves musical numbers.

So what do you think? How does Blake compare to the real Marilyn?

 

Serena's dress definitely could have used those black accents to offset the gigantic bow in the back. Compared with Blair's most recent dream sequence outing as Sabrina, S definitely falls short.

Coming off such a terrible nightmare - singing! dancing! losing a guy to Blair! - Serena decides to go casual for the first time in her life. The girl wears a Black Halo cutout dress to a Yale admissions dinner, but she opts for a maternity top and sweater for her best friend's pre-wedding breakfast.

Personally, if I were wearing a tunic with a hem cut like that, I would not be hanging out on the stairs. The only macarons Blair wants to see on her wedding day are from Ladurée.

Apparently, Dorota agrees.

As does Dan. This face should have tipped Serena off to the fact that Dan's just not that into her.

This face, on the other hand ...

It seems that Louis is the only person that's more than happy to talk with Serena today. I wonder why?

When compared with the bridesmaid dresses, Serena's Maid of Honor dress is definitely less offensive. It's not particularly flattering (and the skirt kind of reminds me of her awful bridesmaid dress from when Lily married Bart), but at least it doesn't look like a peony. 

Also, I'm not that familiar with men's tuxes, but do the legs always look like bell bottoms? Or is that a special-for-Brooklyn modification?

Not content to be the tall, statuesque blonde at the altar, Serena decided to go with a little volume for Blair's wedding day.

Of course, always one for the unconventional, Serena decided to just let rodents nest in a tower of Bump-Its. Honestly, that's all I can say about this hair, because it's so deeply horrifying.

It's official: Blair hates her minions.

That's the only explanation for dresses this unflattering - especially when paired with sheer black tights.

 So, amidst all this madness, what is Chuck doing?

Chillaxin' in a paisley robe with a pocket square, natch.

He's also giving Father Creepy a wicked case of Bassezuma's Revenge.

This really is the perfect face to make as you sabotage an evil priest who has no discernable motive beyond job security.

Father Creepy should know better than to mess with a man who coordinates this many different patterns.

Never mind the fact that he's wearing a boutonniere and a pocket square. If it were any man other than Chuck Bass, this would verge on male Vanessa Abrams-levels of over accessorizing. With Chuck, it just looks dapper.

I'm not that big of a Chuck/Blair shipper, but when you see him lounging casually in a suit of perfectly-coordinated blue-greys, complete with adorable stray dog, how can you marry the very boring Prince Louis?

I mean, come on! His socks match his shirt!

As for the man at the center of Gossip Girl's newest love triangle, I will say this: he looks pretty decent in a dream sequence tux.

Unfortunately, his major hair issues continue, but I can look past that. How Blair can look past that, I'm not sure. No joke, I had a dream after watching this episode that Blair, after running away with Dan, gave him a full makeover. It was magical.

Credit where credit is due ... at least he's branching out from plaids. In this case, he branched into what may or may not be a chambray shirt with green polka dots, but hey, at least he's trying.

Although, is it just me or are those sleeves way too big on him? I'm talking Seinfeld Puffy Shirt too big.

It should shock absolutely no one that Nate's robe is blue.

It's nice to know that some things never change: Nate will always wear blue, and he will always look a little confused when trying to read.

He gets some major points for this pea coat - it's hard to tell in this picture, but it's actually pin-striped.

It's a great cut on him. And I love that gorgeous charcoal cashmere crew-neck he's wearing under it (plaid shirt? What plaid shirt? I see no plaid shirt).

Lily and Rufus make their requisite 5-second appearance at the wedding. Just long enough to spot Georgina, let her know they're onto her, and then leave the room without making sure she leaves the church. Haven't they learned anything from horror movies? Unless you've decapitated the monster, never assume it's dead. Likewise, unless you watch her physically leave the building, possibly by police escort, don't assume she's going to do anything other than wreak havoc.

Rufus cleans up quite well in his tux, but Lily's dress is too casual for a black tie wedding. One of the rare times she actually misses the mark - even her hat isn't particularly exciting. I was hoping for a tasteful but fun fascinator; instead she just added some ribbon to a danish and stuck it on her head.

As for Lola, our rogue Rhodes, there's definitely no question that she's related to Lily and Serena. For starters, that shearling coat is pure Season 1 Serena, and those killer heels are totally Season 5.

And I think it's safe to say that only Rhodes women know how to give themselves updos this elaborate.

She couldn't have learned it from Cece, since they've been estranged for years, and I highly doubt that Carol has passed on the art. This leads me to think it's a genetic trait - maybe Rhodes women have hair that will naturally updo itself? If that's the case, Serena's gross hair missteps over the years bring up an interesting question: could it be that maybe, just maybe, Serena isn't a Rhodes? Or worse, that she and Lola were switched at birth, and Serena is actually the daughter of wildly unkempt Carol?

I'm calling it now: Season 8, we find out that Carol is a grifter who kidnapped the real Carol, then pulled a baby-swap on Lily. Carol's not the real Carol, Serena's not actually a Rhodes, and suddenly her hairbrush-allergy makes total sense.

Father And The Bride - Part 1 of 2 - Party Rock Anthem: Blair's Bachie

Drunk girls are funny. I am so super thankful that Blair had Beatrice spice up her bachelorette party this week. In addition to watching Blair fist pump with the bridge and tunnel crowd, we got to see her take shots, dance to LMFAO, and go to jail. I’d say that party was one meatball short of a Jersey Shore episode. Meanwhile, Chuck partnered with the horrible Father Cavalia in his quest to follow Blair and break up her wedding. Nate and Serena used deception and Gossip Girl to trick Trip into admitting that he drained the brake fluid in Blair and Chuck’s car (thinking it was Nate’s car… natch).  Speaking of deceit, Serena lied to Dan to make him keep dating her, even though it is bad for his writing career. Is S developing feelings for Dan? I hope not! Dan still obviously loves Blair…. Which is why he ghost wrote Louis’s wedding vows. 

Chuck said that “sometimes you have to choose an unsavory partner” to get what you want. If this is what going to the dark side looks like, I’m all for it. Chuck looks incredible in this beautiful purple and rust combination. I adore him in windowpane plaid and these rich colors- obviously Eric Daman does too because this is turning into Chuck's uniform. If Blair doesn’t take him back, I might just try to scoop him up myself. I wonder how he would feel about relocating to Chicago? 

Oh Chuck! A grey wool Chesterfield with a zippy collar… Yes please. We need this kind of sexy sass in the Windy City. Seriously, you can stalk me all day long. Sadly, we don’t have a Laduree here (yet), so you won’t be able to lurk in doorways while snacking on French macarons. Je suis désolée!

The hair and makeup department obviously hates Leighton. Honestly, I can’t take the flat hair or the pallid makeup anymore. Why make her look sickly and then dress her in this adorable blue floral Carolina Herrera organza dress? Craziness.

You know what else is crazy? Serena and Blair’s idea of a bachelorette party! A slumber party at a hotel? Lame. Someone has been watching The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement.  

After Blair accidentally confessed her Chuck lust to Father Cavalia, he met with his wily lover Beatrice to plot and scheme. While I have several issues with this priest, my largest problem is his dashing good looks and tan. He either fake bakes or was just off on a tropical holiday- neither option seems very priestly.

I love a good high pony, and Beatrice doesn’t disappoint. I guess the hair and makeup department has shifted their attentions over to another Princess B. 

I love Diane von Furstenberg as much as the next girl, but this turquoise coat is wack. It makes Blair look like a snowbird in town from Boca. At least her teal hat seems fashion forward.

She should take a cue from Beatrice, who is fresh and trend forward in her collarless wool topcoat and chic hairstyle. She looks like just the girl to fix Blair’s snoozer of a bachelorette. Strippers? Check. Cable TV style party games? Check. Frozen margs and tequila shots? Check. Check. 

Yay the Minions are back! I am actually glad that Beatrice “forgot” to invite Serena because she would have totally put the cabash on the cheesey and fabulous Panchitos party.

All the girls look absolutely perfect for a night of drunken debauchery. I love all of the flowing hair and makeup looks.

Sadly the bride-to-be still looks like a limp hair disaster. I’m not suggesting a bumpit or anything drastic…but my goodness, couldn’t they have done a little backcombing or some hot rollers? At least they finally gave her a little lipstick!

I adore Drunk Blair! OBSESSED. She is so fun and needs to be in every episode. If she is going to start making cameos, the minions need to get their acts together. You simply cannot leave a wasted girl alone outside of a bar. Bad things happen.

In this particular instance, Drunk Blair accidentally ends up with a blunt in her mouth. I’m a little hazy on this part of the story. Who leaves their drugs alone with a rando while they go off and search for a lighter? Exactly. It was amateur hour over at Panchitos. Drunk Blair then mistakes New York’s finest for the strippers that Beatrice ordered. I guess that B had a serious case of beer goggles. Off to the slammer!

Jail seems like a logical place to have a sister/ sister-in-law bonding moment. I am glad that Beatrice and Blair are developing a close relationship (and even happier that Beatrice stopped with her scheming ways).

The best part about this little tête-à-tête was that we got to see Blair’s fabulous Olivia Teagler sequined coat. This is the perfect coat for a night on the town!

I lied. The best part about the Blair/ Beatrice love fest is totally Beatrice’s earrings. These cobalt stunners look amazing on her and bring out the blue eyeliner that she is wearing. Great accessorizing. C’est magnifique!

If I were Leighton, I would start renegotiating my contract. Blair literally looks horrible. I know that it is the morning after her evening of boozing, but this is bordering on mean. She doesn’t even look hungover… she just looks horrifying.

If they were going for realism, they should have given her some splotchy eye makeup, knots in her hair, and a nightstand filled with drunk girl food like tacos or grilled cheese. Not that I am speaking from experience. 

Princess Beatrice is back with her high pony and collarless coat. The tailored dress and her maroon pumps are both a win. Too bad that Father Cavalia is having her shipped off to East Africa for missionary work. I'm not sure this look will work on the African tundra. 

Chuck says that he learned about relationships from Blair and that you should never give up on someone that you love. Because of his deep rooted affection, he decided to make a deal with the devil (well actually a priest).

Chuck's villan look is totally working for me. It isn't as jazzy as the beautiful suit that he had on earlier but it is still a great classic look. I can't wait to see what happens next week!