Valley Girls - Part 2 of 2 - Back to the Future

The Humphreys have a pow-wow about Rufus getting married, then he arrives and it's awkward.

Thanks to Beth for pointing out this no-colour dark shirt is seersucker. I now feel obliged to say that I see it, and it sucks.

Jenny is in her usual taupe tank, but there are pearls mixed in with her chains today and not too much panda makeup obscuring her vision. She looks pretty, if a little washed out.

Vanessa makes one appearance this episode (good, because I always want to yell, 'she doesn't even go here!' in Constance Billiard scenes) and is not dressed too appallingly! Her embroidered duck egg blue blouse is something I'd wear myself, ditto the brown waistcoat on top.

Even her jewellery isn't too heavy or nasty looking. It's a prom night miracle!

Speaking of prom night, Chuck is sooo not recreating your girlfriend's childhood fantasy by sabotaging everything you plan, Nathaniel. Look at his outfit's innocent pallette and attempt to mix with the proles in that plaid shirt.

Nate is confused. I would be too if I went out wearing my nana's raincoat over my pyjamas.

The only dream of Serena's that Dan can fulfil is her release from jail. Like Chuck, he is attempting to appear inconspicuous. That t-shirt has a definite sense of 'wall' or 'sidewalk' about it.

Serena may not have been worked over with the phonebook, but she's not looking her best. I swear she wasn't arrested wearing that coat...

Blair isn't dressed too well either, so I cunningly used the arrival of a bespoke Marchesa prom dress from Paris to cover up her shapeless black sack dress.

Eric has a five second cameo, neither taking part in any eighties montages nor going to prom. His blue plaid shirt is acceptable, if only because the nice colour takes my mind off the pattern.

Fast forward to prom night, where Dan too is underwhelming. I praised his combination of purple and black once, and now I see it everywhere. He couldn't have spiced it up a bit?

Like this?!

Purple. Black. A mixture of colours in the bowtie, shot through with cream to match the bouttoniere.

Chuck's wardrobe is the one you have a long and happy life with. Dan's is the one you look back on and shudder.

Tonight of all nights, the minions look particularly lacklustre. There are things I do like - the pleated, sea shell shaped bodice of Hazel's dress, Penelope's bedazzled hair flower, Nelly Yuki's coral gown - and things that I loathe - everything Iz is wearing, purple accessories with pink dresses, pink accessories with purple dresses and so on.

Serena is, by contrast, a delight in nudes and sparkles - although now I come to think of it, it does seem she's suddenly gone down a cup size and the bodice is saggy. Never mind. Swishy, shimmering skirts and tumbling hair are perfect for a princess...

If not for a queen.

As I mentioned, this glorious black and gold peacock feather effect gown was made for the show by Marchesa and unfortunately never produced commercially. Blair compliments it with metallic fingernails and an incredible oversize citrine or topaz ring and necklace that bring out the deeper tones of the gold. Her dazzling flowered tiara is the ultimate finishing touch.

And I nearly forgot to mention how handsome Nate was in his flawless tux, although that bouttoniere is worringly similar to the one Chuck wore at Bart and Lily's wedding.

"Turns out fairytales end when they do for a reason," says Blair sagely.

I'd really like to remind the current characters of this moment - the girl who was over fairytales married a prince, her best friend kept pinging back to the guy with the bad hair, Nate continued to be confused and Chuck selflessly organised a prom and now selflessly cares for a dog, selflessly leaves the love of his life alone and selflessly has no good storylines.

What a difference a few seasons can make.

The Age of Dissonance - Part 1 of 3 - Centre Stage

All the world’s a stage, and all the UES’ men and women merely playing with each other’s hearts. Dan has his way with Cougar Carr in the closet with Serena three feet away as Chuck’s hooker nanny ping pongs between him and Carter, then bats him straight back to Blair, whose official rejection from Yale sends her all the way to crazy town. Nothing innocent about the Age of Dissonance…

Before the Columbia minions, there were the Constance minions.

Nothing can be said for the fringed curtain Nelly is wearing, but other wise I love how the classic outfits have been updated. Gloves stay but sleeves go missing, jewellery becomes heavier and fascinators larger.

Penelope’s maid’s costume is a particular coup: a transparent partlet and sleeves sex up that pretty white collar and apron.

Serena’s a regular swan princess in this blush gown with down accents. Nudes really flatter her skin tone so well. She’s really working the accessories, too: a fabulous feather fascinator and some net gloves.

The matching ribbon waistband and choker are a lovely touch.

And if Serena’s our Odette, then who must be Odile?

Playing the disgraced Countess Olenska, Blair looks scandalous in this textured cut-out dress. The updo and darling tricorn hat are perfectly period, whereas the puffed shoulders and body-con dress say cocktail hour rather than tea and cakes.

Dan is dressed appropriately, for once. He does white tie so nicely that I suggest it should become an everyday fixture of his wardrobe. That grey coat is to die for, I love the contrasting collar.

Nate is still the prettiest pony in the show, as dapper as Chuck in his ascot and scarf. This mix of grey and black is very similar to Dan’s, but Nate would certainly get the first place ribbon.

He has a top hat, after all.

But he wears dirty clothing when he’s not treading the boards – don’t be fooled by the lighting, that’s the same shirt. The difference between black coat and black cardigan does not a decent outfit make.

He still beats Dan’s rumpled school uniform.

Or this brown and khaki disaster.

If you combine these two wardrobe malfunctions, you get: a brown plaid and khaki V-neck concoction! I think this must be a picture of Penn, since Dan didn’t even smile while kissing Rachel Carr Letourneau.

Serena definitely isn’t pulling her weight this episode (or Blake Lively suddenly lost ten pounds and had no time to buy new clothes). A badly fitting black cami topped with a badly fitting grey cardigan, whose buttons match the silver Christmas ribbon she’s slung around her neck for no apparent reason.

Yes, Serena, I’d be laughing at myself too. And crying.

One thing in Blair’s favour is her excellent taste in tights; Serena’s basic black leggings fail to thrill, and her draped black blouse fails to show enough cleavage to thrill Julian, her director crush.

Though I get the feeling cleavage isn’t what floats Julian’s boat…

He's more hetero than metro with those drab colours and poorly fitted clothing, but no straight man has such perfect designer stubble.

Speaking of drab educators, Queller needs a Bump-It for her icky flat hair and a brighter alternative to charcoal. Her bow blouse is dull, despite the gold detailing.

But what does wow is Serena’s final ensemble. A blue dress is basic sexy Serena, but this leather jacket is so sharply cut that it’s more eveningwear than casual. That Chanel purse has stolen my heart – classic in black and gold, oversized and up to the minute. I’ll add it to my birthday list.

When Blair loses control, out come the fashions of her glory days in season one. She tops divinely curled hair with a flouncy headband, a billowy cream blouse with black lace overlay and a sequinned black and grey skirt.

These pieces are wonderfully classy, but the lack of colour makes Blair more Haversham than Hepburn.

Carnal Knowledge - Part 1 of 3 - The Warring Factions

Episode Synopsis:  Rachel, Corn Queen and Teacher Nemesis Extroardinaire, takes her war with Blair to another level with her newest idea--no cell phones in school.  Blair and the Constance Minions fire back with a salvo that might destroy all the Queen B holds dear.  Chuck wakes up from his own Eyes Wide Shut experience and enlists the not-so-helpful Nate and Vanessa to assist him in tracking down the masked woman he cavorted with the night before.

We open with Blair finishing her community service picking up trash in Central Park, and I'm reminded of convicts who do similar work on the side of the highways. Only, instead of a bright orange jumpsuit, Blair dons this orange double-breasted coat with a very flattering empire waist.

 

And I love the extra buckle detail on the back.

Underneath, Blair naturally has on one of her fabulous school "uniforms".



Or rather, it's fabulous from the waist up.  Blair's cream cardigan complete with navy blue bow-tie is charming, but the bulky, ill-fitting blue brocade skirt isn't.

Blair wears some really beautifully vibrant colors this episode.  I don't like the overt shininess of this top, but the color is sumptuous...much like her "I'm not a convict" orange coat.

And then what does she do? She hits it out of the park by pairing it with this gorgeous deep teal coat.

Even her devastation over losing Yale to Nelly Yuki doesn't stop Blair from scheming or from looking her best.



You can only figure out just how depressed she is by the droopiness of her brunette waves, but as usual she does no wrong with her cream and navy embellished shell and cardigan set.

Blair's adversary, the sickly sweet Rachel Carr, actually dresses somewhat similiar to the Queen B, except that she lacks Blair's knack for color and details.

This simple ivory blouse with gold buttons isn't so bad, except when Rachel pairs it with this bland khaki skirt straight from some Midwest mall:

You'd think adding some color would help the situation, but...no. The one color she boasts all episode is this violet sweater with oversized sleeves, but even then it's not quite the jewel tone she's looking for. The fit is just unfortunate, making her flat where she should be curvy, and vice versa.

But, maybe this is just conservative daytime wear? You might assume that she dresses up a bit more at night, right?

You know what they say about assuming. When the sun goes down Rachel gets out the bland argyle.

Harold is his usual dapper self, rocking the argyle in a way Miss Carr can't. It's perfection with a blue and gray sweater, complete with plaid pants.

In fact, Harold seems to greatly enjoy plaid pants, as he chooses another pair for the Constance-St. Jude teacher's meeting.



Love the mixed patterns here--you can definitely see why Blair digs Chuck's wardrobe, considering what she's used to at home.  

The Mean Girls have taken a page out of the book of their namesakes, except instead of wearing pink on Wednesdays, I bet you the Constance girls have a conference call every morning to decide their uniform for the day.

Today's theme?



Brightly colored coats.  I especially love Nelly Yuki's sunny yellow with the exaggerated frog closures.  And how gorgeous does Penelope look in that shade of purple?

After their cell phones are confiscated by Miss Carr, the Mean Girls are more than on board with Blair's plan of Shock and Awe.


 
It's too bad that what's really shocking here is Isabel's hideous orange ruffled sweater.  On the other hand, Penelope and Nelly deport themselves admirably, opting for simple clean lines and more bright colors.  The Mean Girls, Isabel especially, need to favor a more streamlined approach. Perhaps they can take a cue from Nelly, with her simple navy tie and subtly detailed gold cardigan.  Topped off with some gold cat-eye glasses, she's purrr-fection. (Sorry, can't resist a good fashion pun.)

Gone With the Will - Part 2 of 3 - The Bad

I think we all know what Blair was thinking when she selected this empire waisted dress for her private "not a date" dinner with Chuck.  I have to applaud her way of thinking, and even though she looks fabulous, I think Chuck would have agreed with me:  it's not her.

Frankly, it looks just a little too much like a slip for me.

Jack Bass is the epitome of a wolf in a sheep's skin.



Why?  He's wearing the Bass purple, and the nasty streak in him a mile wide proves he doesn't deserve it.

Oh, Serena.



While Blair's dress might have looked vaguely lingerie-like, at least she didn't have an easy-access zipper.  And despite the field trip to Dylan's Candy Bar, stringing rock candy onto your necklace is just plain tacky.

This is, unfortunately, not much better.



The sequined sweater dress usually ages just about anyone 10 years, unless you're 40, and then it looks like you're just trying too hard.

I don't hate this studded gray coat of Jenny's, but for some reason I still find it odd.  Still, Little J is headed the right direction with the bejeweled collar.  I think the problem is all the decoration plus the extra detailing. It's a lot of look for one simple coat.

As for the Mean Girls, they don't get it right, either.



The individual parts of Nelly Yuki's school uniform aren't bad, but as a whole they don't work that well together.  I love her red glasses, and it would have been great to see more color in general instead of that sad looking black and white furry poncho.

Isabel looks great, though, in this smart plaid trench with coordinating purple tie.

I hate to say it, but Penelope would be much better off dropping the headband schtick.  They aren't flattering on her.  Otherwise, her hair would be really pretty on her, and I do love the nubby pink and gray plaid coat.

This tryptic of outfits begs the question: do they have rules such as "On Wednesdays we wear plaid coats"? I would very much enjoy an Insider's Guide to the CB Mean Girls to explain such things.

Gone With the Will - Part 3 of 3 - The Ugly

Honestly, could Dan try any less?



He can't even be bothered to tuck in his damn shirt.

What a drab combo--brown plaid shirt with gray cardigan.  I'm tempted to curl into the fetal position if I stare too long at him.





The other Humphrey child isn't doing much better. It's hard to know what to make of this outfit of Little J's.



It might have been halfway decent without the black turtleneck, but even then, I think the strange pleating and colorblocking would have been enough to pass on this.  Plus, her hair is just weird here.

Lily must really be feeling blue over her son's disappearance because her outfits this episode are a character-low.



A plethora of brass buttons do not a stylish tunic make.

And this is just plain shapeless and gray and ugly.  On the plus side, I do like seeing her hair down--except it's kind of limp and greasy.

Maybe Lily's problem is that she's spending too much time around the style vaccum that is Rufus Humphrey.



Tan corderoy shirt and that brown blazer? Just sad.

And here - much like his son - he's just not trying at all.  A little effort, please?





Back to the kids.

"On Thursdays we take stereotypes to their most extreme."

If you looked up "upper class brunch attire" in the dictionary, you might find pieces parts of all these outfits: brocade, bows, pearls, tweed.  Unfortunately they took this direction and layered them all on until it's just plain overwhelming.  Best of the bunch is probably Penelope's biscuit Chanel-style suit.  Without that ridiculous pink bow headband, she might have managed a somewhat sophisticated look. (And is that a dumbphone that Penelope is holding? Doing these retro recaps is such fun sometimes.)

Hazel, a slender girl, packs on the pounds in her jacket and skirt combination not helped at all by those sloppy strands of pearls.  

Do not even get me started on the clown bow that Iz choose. This is where I lose my patience and say goodnight.