Seder Anything - Part 1 of 3 - A Dreamlike State

Serena returns to the Upper East Side as a wife, thanks to Gabriel and a surplus of rioja.  While she tries to avoid Gabriel and seek out an annulment with Cyrus' help, he and Eleanor prepare to host their first Seder together.  Invited are Lily and Rufus--better to help Eleanor dodge Cyrus' critical mother--and Dan, in his first job as a cater-waiter.  Invited but refusing to appear is Blair, who is determined to win over the Van der Bilt family at Tripp's wedding.  Uninvited is Chuck, occupied with sleeping with the entire Bolshoi, and Jenny, who stays back at Lily's to woo a classmate with Monopoly and takeout.

We open the episode with another of Blair's dream sequences--this time from My Fair Lady.  In it, she is both the pre and post Eliza. (I just realized that Pygmalion could very well be the original makeover story.)

It's deliciously ironic that Blair not only makes such a great bedraggled Eliza Dolittle, but that she would dream herself as such.

Love this hat on Blair.  Maybe she can transition from headbands to hats?

Why so glum, Queen B?



You're sleeping alone, but at least you're sleeping in that wonderfully ruffled black lace nightwear.

Blair's fabulous outfit is what you get when you cross a UES Princess with Mondo Guerra from Project Runway.  Her yellow, white, and black patterned blouse is the perfect foil for the black and white polka-dotted skirt.  And how amazing does Blair's hair look?  Eat your heart out, Duchess of Cambridge.

Blair seems to have developed an obsession with outerwear the color of split pea soup.



The details of this double-breasted jacket are chic, but the color is just plain ugly.

And even worse, she wears it not only to the rehearsal, but the rehearsal dinner!



Blech.

The dress she dons for the dinner is a vast improvement, though.



I like the high collar and the purple and gray watercolor effect of the fabric.

What isn't so great?



She's apparently developed tumor-like symptoms after too many headbands.  A tip for the future: sophisticated dresses and big purple hair bows are not synonymous.

Nate, as Eliza Dolittle's companion, is delightfully polished and handsome.



Even better, there is no blue in sight.  Love the ascot and the brownish-gray jacket that brings out the highlights in his hair.

Of course we know that outside of a dreamlike state, Nate is in love with the color blue and employs even the most basic of fashion principles sparsely.



Like in this outfit, in which he dons three seperates he knows a little too well: the peacoat, the sweater, and the bland baby blue button-up.

For his turn as best man at Tripp's wedding, Nathaniel is still incapable of making any overly exciting sartorial decisions.



The pinstripes are vaguely verging on stylish, but just as they're about to kick off a style party, he squashes it with a bland tie and shirt.

The Grandfather, unlike his grandson, cuts a chic figure in another of his shawl collar sweaters.



Does it surprise anyone that this one is blue?  Love the pop of color with his yellow tie.  If you look close enough, you can see the light blue accents in the pattern.  Grandfather Van der Bilt, if he sticks around, might be capable of giving Chuck a run for his money.



His rehearsal attire gave me hope that we might have another eminently stylish male character on this show, but Grandfather's wedding rehearsal suit is just boring.  The checkered tie and white shirt is just playing it too safe.

As for the bride and groom, they stumble more than they succeed.

Maureen apparently decides it's not just a wedding rehearsal but a dress rehearsal.



She could just keep this white lace atrocity on and get married in it.  Most of the guests might not even notice the difference.  Note the headband--it's the only item that saved Blair's tumor from winning the Worst Headband of the Episode award.

Faced with his bride, who wore the most saccharine ensemble in the world, Tripp tried to go edgy with his light pink shirt and contrasting purple and green striped tie. 

You, sir, are no Chuck Bass.  Go back home and try again.

The Debarted, Part 1 of 4 - Serena, Maureen, Tripp

Episode Synopsis: Ugh, this episode was painful. From Serena and Tripp’s reluctance to live in the a world where logic...I don’t know...pops in once in a while? to Chuck’s Ghost Dad hallucinations, “The Debarted” was one episode I’m glad to leave in the middle of a dark road as target practice for Tripp’s Range Rover.


Let's examine this trio. You may call them Jack, Jackie, and Marilyn (btw, I'm still spelling Jack's name as Tripp, not Trip. It was Tripp in the previous season, so despite what his campaign posters said, I'm sticking with the extra P.)

First, we have Marilyn:

Sweet, naive Serena who believes that Love Will Keep Us Together.

She's the canary in the cage, if you substitute canary for dumb 18 year old in a wrap sweater and cage for the not-a-cottage.

See this hat?  Remember it.

Post accident (I maintain that those were husky dogs, not wolves) Serena appears to be fine, other than a few bumps and scrapes.  Which begs the question - WHY DOESN'T TRIPP'S CAR HAVE AIRBAGS?  Also, I'd like to know why NO ONE IS QUESTIONING HER BANGED UP HEAD and the MATCHING WINDSHIELD MARK on the PASSENGER'S SIDE not the DRIVERS SIDE WHERE TRIPP MOVED HER!  Questions, people...questions!  Also, CAPITAL LETTERS!

Whatev.  Serena has no time for this nonsense.  She's got a perfume commercial to shoot.

SCENE: Hopsital.  A beautiful blonde emerges through a set of double doors, wearing an etheral cream ensemble.  VOICEOVER: "Ho Number 5.  Wear it when you make bad decisions."

Ok, on to Tripp.  Drab colored sweater but sure, I'll buy it.  It looks like what our fallen Congressman would wear whilst holed up at his "cottage".

For his jaunt outdoors, Tripp has copied the "What WASPs Wear on Crisp Autumn Days" page of the Official Preppy Handbook.

Although, I'm confused.  Isn't it post-Thanksgiving?  I'm quite certain that the trees are not so golden and lovely in Nassau County, early December.

Oh!  Hi, Maureen!

BRA-FREAKING-VO!  I would like to marry this outfit.  The coat color is perfection on her, and the status bag says she means business.  I forgive the hideous outfit at Thanksgiving, Mo.  You are Jackie!

 And did you see the back of her hat?  [insert giddy squeeling]

Treasure of Serena Madre 1 of 3: Serena & the Vanderbilts

Episode Synopsis: This episode contains one of the most brilliant moments in Gossip Girl history.  I'm talking, of course, about the three minutes of genius that took place around the Thanksgiving tables.  The whispering!  The accusations!  Rufus' oblivion!  Plus!  We had Cece and Eleanor!  Exclamation points!!!  Oh, the rest of the episode?  Serena and Tripp are two seriously dumb mofos.  That's about all you need to know.

Gasp!  Oh my goodness!  Serena, is that you?  Wearing an outfit that’s appropriate for business?

Well, that's a relief...Camel toe-inducing pants save the day!  Thank goodness, S.  For a minute there I thought you'd gone native.

Speaking of girly bits, whenever someone tells me my coat appears to be embroidered with them, I get this same look on my face.

Serena, again with the appropriateness!  This hairstyle is lovely and the dress you’re wearing for Thanksgiving appears to be...dare we say it?  Demure.

Aaaaand just like that, it’s not.  Yes, this is an excellent choice of attire for a) a family function where b) your luv-ah will be there with his current wife.  I’m sure she won’t suspect a thing when she sees you in this dress.  Why, it’s practically Amish.

Nate does casual cool so well.  Good shoes and a coat with grey jeans and a slim-cut plaid shirt.  Big ups, Nate.

Tripp’s hair is going places, man.  You can’t keep it down!  It’s gonna head somewhere northwest of Tripp’s head as soon as it possibly can.  Look, it’s inching that way already!

I assume this grin is the result of seeing Serena's Skanksgiving day dress.

Maureen looks awkward.  Maybe it’s the summer floral combined with black tights and a wool jacket.  Or maybe it’s because she’s standing in the presence of The Other Woman.

No, it’s her outfit.

Treasure of Serena Madre 3 of 3: All the Rest (Jenny, Lily, Cece, Vanessa, Gabriela)

People do not lounge around their homes in high heeled boots.  They just don’t, even if the boots are fabulous and elevate an already cute outfit.  Believability FAIL.

::Pause.  Blink, blink:: 

No.  Just, no.

Lily is quickly becoming my GG wardrobe crush. Classic style with a modern twist.

It’s like one of those “Who wore it better?” features.  I vote Team Lily.  Maureen looks lost, as though the jacket is wearing her.

Oh Lily, can you do no wrong?  You are the very picture of an Upper East Side hostesses.  Perhaps one who ditches her guests and hides in the den drinking scotch, but let’s not split hairs.

Here’s a shot of Cece on video chat.  She looks like a librarian.  A librarian whose heart “pumps gin and secrets” (thank you, Dan) but a librarian nevertheless.

Ah, this is better.  Polished, poised, and a bit poisonous.

I have mixed feelings about this coat.  On the one hand, it’s colorful and funky.  On the other hand, it looks like a peacock threw up.  Let’s take a closer look....

I’m going with regurgitation du peacock.

Help me understand something.  Vanessa was sitting around at home in this outfit, had a fight with her mom, and rushed over to Dan’s in this outfit, and is now baking in this outfit?  Outside of that preposterousness, I will say that the purple is lovely on Vanessa, and even the gargantuan necklace isn’t so bad.  That skirt, though...best take it off before flour gets all over it.  Or my retinas explode.  Whichever comes first.

Ya know...I don’t hate this!  It could do without the coin medallion and with some smaller earrings, but overall it’s in keeping with Vanessa style without being too offensive.

Somewhere, there’s a photo of me on the floor at about 18 months, with my mother’s costume jewelry strewn all about.  I am wearing approximately four necklaces and two bracelets.  I grew out of that stage.  Gabriela did not.

Well, this isn’t so bad.  It’s sort of festive, and is a bit less fortune teller-ish...

No, nevermind.  She’s still giving Miss Cleo a run for her money.

Last days of Disco Stick 3 of 3: Jenny and the others. Oh, and GAGA!

Jenny is now going for a look that was last seen during one of the funeral scenes in the movie Heathers:


Don't get me wrong. I love Heathers. I just don't think we need to repeat some of their fashion choices.

Or wear them with hoodie

But even the Heathers knew that your skirt needs to cover your arse just a little bit. To pants or not to pants? Either Jenny is against pants or she has forgotten them at home again. I'll leave that one for you, Jenny, and the Diplomat's son to ponder.

Hmmm.  (I vote pants. Or maybe a skirt that covers your crotch. Both work fine in my books).

And then we have KenDoll the Diplomat's son. Or the Nate Knock Off.



Seriously. I'm pretty sure Nate wore that sweater and button up shirt for at least a couple of episodes in the first season.  Maybe they're cutting costs and digging into the Season One wardrobe to put on extras. Because they certainly did that with the Chapin Mean Girls.

Here's what I've got to say to those kids: Paul, just because Chuck Bass used to wear an ascot doesn't mean every asshole in New York can pull one off (actually Paul, I think you've got a scarf there, but it's not clear.  Go big or go home dude - wear a scarf out or an ascot in, but don't waffle between the two). At least he did with some flair. Willow, Selma Blair (circa 2001, Legally Blonde) called: she would like her outfit back.

And the minions. Oh the minions. Poor creatures. They pissed somebody off this week.  First off, we have The Twins in their coordinating outfits and gaudy matching necklaces.

Seriously? I'm supposed to believe that Blair would let her minions walk around with those necklaces on? Not even her high school minions got away that kind of shit. As for Amalia and Sophie:

Lacklustre at best. A little too early Blair, but without any of the style.  And well, I don't even know what to do with this:

That's just mean. I know it's a play, and that they're supposed to be a dwarf boy band, but really?  The bad Salt n' Peppa look makes me want to name these Dwarves Unsylish, Uncool, Unfashionable, and Sartorially-Challenged.

Unlike outfits we saw on the other minor characters this week, Maureen Vanderbilt actually did quite well for herself.

She looks the part of a politician's wife. Kudos to you Maureen. Oh, and if you look behind her, you can see a blurry image of what Serena's co-workers wear to work. Yeah. I bet everyone in that office takes Serena seriously. 

Moving on to our morally sound Congressman Tripp (because your wife being kind of devious is totally a reason to shag an 18 year old girl. The press will totally understand. No really, they will. The rule is half your age plus seven, so it's cool)

You know what I've figured out? That there is a belt shortage on the island of Manhattan. Not one man on this show is seen wearing a belt. Chuck has tried to be brave by wearing suspenders, but you know he's wishing he had belts. Is it the recession that has caused the belt shortage? Or maybe the Pied Piper of Manhattan came and lured the belts away?  I think I'll start a belt drive and send them to the cast of Gossip Girl.

Finally, the parents. Lily showed us how "mom jeans" should be done.

The glasses are beginning to wear thin for me, but I do love that blouse.
As for Rufus, he continues to look like a slob and make himself seem as ridiculous as possible (like I'm supposed to believe he's so clueless that he can't figure out the STD the Jenny mentions).

At least we know where Dan gets that dapper sense of style from
And that's it.

I'm kidding. Did you think I'd forget Gaga? Her appearance was a bit on the corny side of celebrity cameos. On a scale of 1-10, with Hilary Duff's appearance this season being seven (not awesome, but totally acceptable) and a one being the utter corniness of Colour Me Badd visit the Peach Pit, Gaga was a four or five. They tried with the Tisch connection. But hell, it's Gaga and she isn't pantsless, so I can deal with it.

I also loved the mental image I got of Gaga playing cards with Blair's step-father: Inconceivable!  What did shock me was that Gaga was dressed more modestly than Jenny and Serena. And she had black electrical tape over her nipples.  Do you know what that means?  It means you need to start wearing some more fabric ladies.I'm not saying so much fabric that you need four guys with fishnets over their head to help you get around. I'm just asking that you cover your hoo-ha a little bit.  That's not too much to ask for, is it?