The Dark Night - Part 1 of 3 - The Schemers

Episode Synopsis:  This is one of the few Gossip Girl episodes driven by plot and not by Serena's two favorite accessories - ridiculous characterization and a dramatic event designed to shock viewers.  Like most of the plot-driven episodes, this one heavily features Blair and her amazing ability to concoct a scheme and manipulate everyone around her.  In this case, it's not even hard, since between Nate and Vanessa, there's maybe 3/4 of a brain. Worn-to-the-bone Intern Jenny whines and complains at how bad the dresses Eleanor designs are - not exactly a ground-breaking revelation.  Chuck, still mourning for Blair's all-too-available heart, seeks comfort from an entourage of international call girls, but discovers a broken heart isn't only an emotional malady but a physical one too.  And last but not least, Serena tosses her blond mane and tries to pretend that Dan doesn't know better than to date her again.  Oh wait. . .

Blair Waldorf is the Queen--not just of Constance and the Upper East Side, but of plotting like the devil while looking like an angel.


This crisp summery ensemble is cool, literally and figuratively.  The light blue and taupe gauzy wrap skirt paired with the eggshell blouse would be even more angelic without the fussy and silly bow detail in front.  The key, Queen B, is to keep it simple and leave the bow ties for Lord Marcus.



Of course I didn't mean headbands--this simple taupe style brings out the detailing in her skirt and pairs so well with Blair's simple low ponytail.  Even she doesn't have time to mess with her hair in the summer.

For her party benefiting . . .do we ever find out who the Party of the Week is even for?  What the heck, it doesn't matter.  It's merely a cobbled together excuse for a bunch of rich people to ogle each other and their thousands of dollars of merchandise.  And for Blair, it's an opportunity to show off her newest prize, Lord Marcus, and to wear a gorgeous goddess gown that makes every Constance minion want to rip her hair out.

Of course not just anyone could wear a mustard colored dress and get away with it.  Blair Waldorf is one of the lucky few who owns the shade most likely to be a condiment.

Naturally it would be incredibly preesumptious of Blair to wear a tiara to the party, and even she hesitates at proposing to herself, so instead she dons an incredibe beaded headwrap.  The paisley pattern relies on blue and white more than on gold, but it picks up just enough coordinating color from her dress and also offers an outstanding contrast to her dark curls.  Definitely one of the Queen B's more transcendant wardrobe changes.

Her ex, the ever-persistent Chuck, could not agree more.

Unfortunately, he seems to lack a certain . . .je ne sais quoi when it comes to his own fashion chioces this episode.  In fact, you could even make the argument that he'd benefit more from sartorial drano than that of the sexual variety, but this is Chuck Bass, and as such, it's perfectly acceptable, normal even, for him to spend nearly an entire episode lounging in a navy blue brocade smoking jacket, complete with crimson pocket square.

Even the arrival of such diplomatic emissaries such as this doesn't provoke Mr. Bass to abandon his clothing of comfort.



What a beautifully-fitting suit.  The blue polka dot scarf tie is a bit much, but then that might give Madame Butterfly and Chuck something to discuss other than his faulty equipment.

Finally, Chuck realizes his malaise has nothing to do with who's getting up on him and more with who isn't, and goes to Blair's party with the goal in mind of winning her over.  Temporarily.

There must be too much blood in Chuck Bass' brain because under no circumstances would Blair ever be swayed by a suit jacket he chopped the sleeves off of.  It's summer and hot--and while I applaud the commitment to purple and sophisticated details like the ascot and pocket square, it just becomes too much. He should take a load off and take some clothes off.



Also, his hair is awful.

Blair seems to have the most trouble reaching a reasonable middle ground.  Marcus, her current "lover," is as boring as Chuck is flamboyant.



Dark blue suit.  Olive green tie with muted pattern.  He looks like he just left his office for a quick lunch. Marcus better find some style (and personality) stat or else the Queen B is going to get (even more) bored.

Marcus' step-mother, the Duchess Beaton, acts and dresses like the quintessential cougar.



She also seems to have an alarming proclivity for plunging necklines and tight form-fitting skirts.  Between Catherine and Eleanor, the market for shiny seems to be pretty much cornered.

This blush colored blouse isn't so awful, if you ignore the highly reflective sheen.



I even like the delicate gold necklace, but the rest looks overdone and overthought, as if she spent hours in front of a mirror, attempting to decide what Nate would like best.

The erroneous thinking here is assuming that Nate Archibad thinks at all.

Sensing she is losing him, Catherine pulls out all the stops for Blair's little shindig, even accessorizing with a long gold chain guaranteed to ensure we won't neglect to notice her cleavage.



Dear Catherine, the role of Upper East Side hot mama has already been filled, much better and much classier, by Lily van der Woodson.  Sincerely, YKYLF

As much as Vanessa postures and complains about Nate's sugar momma, she has to be grateful for Catherine's presence, because it's rare that anybody takes away her worst-dressed of the episode honors.

Surprisingly, Vanessa doesn't break too many fashion rules this episode.



Of course, she has to pick a busy pattern for her tank, but if you ignore that godawful orange bangle, her simple gold chain is even an example of good accessorizing.

I think it's telling that every episode where the writers push a potential relationship between Vanessa and Nate, she tends to look nice.  This outfit she wears on the date with Nate is a good example.



I can't even remember the last time she looked this normal and nice.  The slightly shimmery cream and purple dress is very flattering, jewelry is minimal, and her hair and makeup look amazing.

So amazing, in fact, that we need a closeup.



Under all those tacky bangles and earrings and layered necklaces and nauseating patterns, it's easy to forget that Jessica Szohr is a very pretty girl.

Vanessa continues this astonishing trend at the party.



This necklace and earring combo is a touch matchy-matchy, but it still can't drag this dress into typical Vanessa territory.


Hair is perhaps a little lank and uninspired, but overall, not a terrible look for our resident Brooklynite.  You can almost (maybe) see what Nate sees in her.

Speaking of Nate, he continues his love affair with the color blue.  It's a lot more lasting than his feelings for Blair or Serena or Vanessa or Catherine or Vanessa again. . .but you get my point.



Catherine, you're not enamored with Ralph Lauren, you're enamored with the boy inside the Ralph Lauren.



Another blue-shirt, another dim-witted expression.



And it's officially official:  Nate wears nothing in his episode that isn't blue.

Never Been Marcused - Part 2 of 2 - Crash & Burn

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Chuck Bass can do no wrong in my eyes, but this episode is a minefield of sartorial slipups for him.

First: I can’t tell whether that pinstriped shirt is pink or lavender, but either way it is stunningly unimpressive. A pair of crumpled brown shorts are clearly an attempt to dress down the button down, but they mean we lose a waist-to-hip ratio and suddenly Ed seems like he's trying to hide his Spanx.

Ignore the smoulder, focus on the blunder.

That shirt is very clearly pink this time and works wonderfully with the Motherchucker’s skin tone, but a maroon suit? Who even wears maroon in a normal context, let alone as a suit? A plain jacket over a plain shirt and plain pants basically turns him into a block of colour, ruining the effect.

So he picks up the ball...and drops it again. If we’d seen Chuck in the undoubtedly delectable dark blue and orange pyjamas lurking beneath that robe, I would have declared him #winning and moved on. As it is, a billowy navy robe over billowy jammies makes him into a block once again, though I will admit that the colours are lovely together.

This needs no explanation. Just enjoy.

Chuck: This is for the benefit of the fangirls, isn't it?

Marcus: Don't fight it. Just sweat.

So shifty James is now shifty Lord Marcus, and can stop wearing jackets that look like he stole them from the ‘80s.

Marcus looks so clean cut here, with his beige linen blazer and light plaid shirt...but look down. For some reason, this is a man who rides bicycles in dark-wash Dan Humphrey jeans. Blair should have called for the check the moment she saw them (and besides, wouldn’t they chafe horribly?)

Pale blue shirt...deep blue pinstriped jacket...perfect red and blue pocket square. Why is he failing? Because it seems like if you date Blair Waldorf, you are condemned to a lifetime of blue. I know he has blue eyes, but for the love of poor guest star Patrick Heusinger, costume department, mix it up!

Speaking of a desperate need for mixing, here’s Dan in another nothing coloured shirt and pair of jeans. He never learns.

But this? This is unforgiveable. At a party hosted by Blair Waldorf, Dan turns up in a bizarre polka dotted shirt that probably belongs to Jenny as nightwear, his habitual waistcoat and those dark wash jeans he just got back from Marcus. If he stands still, he’ll turn into wallpaper. Why, Dan?

But when it comes to no-brainers...

Even while selling his assets, Nate doesn’t know how to show them off. Another blue polo shirt, another pair of jeans. The shirt does have a vaguely interesting grey lining, but that’s probably because Nate wouldn’t know which way it goes on otherwise.

They say life is easy for the beautiful, but Nate even outdoes Dan by throwing on a blue hoodie for Blair’s party...and that’s it. He doesn’t change his clothes, he doesn’t wash his man-bangs, and the only reason he isn’t sitting in the naughty corner right now is because his face is so damn pretty. Bad Nate! Bad!

Rufus ambles in, makes inappropriate googly eyes at Vanessa and then leaves again. For the umpteenth time, I have to ask: do the Humphrey men own any clothes that fit? They always seem to be wearing (plaid) shirts several sizes too large, and this blue and white (plaid) specimen is no exception. Rufus adds some leather jewellery to compete his hipster look, but other than that, he’s Dan with facial hair.

For obvious reasons, I saved the worst until last – if anyone was crashed and burned this episode, it was Vanessa.

I like the idea of that top, I really do. In practice, however, it’s an awful colour, it hangs straight down with no affiliation to bust or waist, and the sleeves are too big. The tribal skirt is vaguely acceptable, so I’ll skip it.

As for her jewellery...I must turn my face away. Vanessa totes a tacky two-tone heart necklace (gold pendant on silver chain), and then a key on a giant chain around her neck like it’s the One Ring and she’s a poorly dressed hobbit. Finally (though I couldn’t get a shot of these), Vanessa crowns this mess with those neon plastic gypsy hoop earrings she wore practically all of season one, and the result is a fashion disaster you could see from space.

So it seems there is the good, the bad, and then there's Vanessa. Some things never change...

Summer, Kind of Wonderful - Part 2 of 3 - Kind of Enemies

I could have told Chuck there was no way Blair Waldorf would ever show up to the Hamptons alone after he abandoned her in Tuscany, but he clearly wouldn’t have listened because he seems completely floored when she arrives with Marcus, her new boytoy in tow.

When she arrives, via the Jitney, she looks charmingly dishelved, but still very smart in her blue patterned blouse, blue shorts and coordinating hunter green bag.

She’s definitely been traveling, but since she’s Blair, she's still gorgeous.

Jet lag?  What jet lag?

For early morning smoothies by the pool with Serena, Blair looks rested and tan, lounging in her retro yellow flowered swimsuit, torturing Chuck with tales of Marcus.

It’s a very conservative suit—nothing like one Serena might have picked—but incredibly flattering on her.

For the family dinner she uses to introduce Marcus to Chuck, Blair changes into a green leaf patterned shift dress.

By itself, this dress is nothing special, but the green does suit her tan and her sun-streaked dark hair very well.  What makes it special is the scene that’s set later—but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

What I do love most about this outfit is the outrageous green flowered headband she wears with so much aplomb.

Nobody but Blair could maintain their composure wearing a green flower on their head while confronting their douche of an ex-boyfriend.

The next day, Blair gets to confront Chuck yet again, and of course, she still looks fabulous.

This is the ultimate summer chic outfit.  The flowered shirtdress, complete with wide pink belt, is lovely on her, and I love the way she accessorizes with the straw bag edged in pink and the blue scarf tied around her curls.  She looks amazing and by God, she knows it.

This is also the outfit in which she uttered those famous words: "Damn that Motherchucker!"

For the White Party, Blair pulls out all the stops, determined to make both Marcus and Chuck salivate after her amazingness.

In this white bandage dress complete with matching white headwrap, she’s stunning.

In fact, I think this might be the best she’s ever looked on Gossip Girl.

Really capping off the look is the white rosette headwrap.

Yes, the whole outfit (minus headwrap) might be something that Serena might wear, but in the end, Blair accomplishes her goal, which is to make both Marcus and Chuck putty in her tiny manicured hands.

And who is this Marcus character that Blair picks up to make Chuck miserably jealous and envious?

Oh, he’s nothing special.  He’s just a Lord.  From, you know, England.

A huge surprise it is too.  I don’t even think Anne Archibald would have forced Nate into this super WASPy sweater.

Additionally, Blair should have ripped this ridiculous powder blue blazer off him and thrown it into the Atlantic.

Adding to the blazer’s ugliness is its pairing with a yellow polo.  He looks like a stray Easter egg.

Even at the White Party, he can’t get things quite right.  He dresses very formally in a full white suit, with beige colored tie. 

I think the fussy detail that kills the entire outfit is the strange way the collar of his shirt rests over the tie.  Not a good look overall.

Chuck, on the other hand, has only upped his sartorial awesomeness over the summer.  His personality can use some readjustment, but his outer layers are great just as they are.

Even when he’s dressed casually for the beach, Chuck still brings the suave attitude.

His straw fedora is awesome and so is Chuck Bass.

When he changes to go beg forgiveness from Blair, he chooses into an even better outfit, as if the combination of checked plaid shirt and orange blazer will ensure his success.

And if the clothes don’t work, then maybe the flowers will.

What he doesn’t know is that Blair’s planned for him never to be successful by bringing Marcus along, sending Chuck into a glowering rage.

She also sends him into an ill-advised pair of short, tight navy shorts and a busy patterned red and white polo shirt.  Not one of his best looks of the episode, but then we really should forgive because of the hole he’s dug with Blair.

But this is Chuck we’re talking about, and he doesn’t stay down for long.  For the dinner with the family and Blair, he wears a gorgeous mint green suit with blue bowtie and pocket square, paired with a light pink shirt.  On anyone else (ahem, Marcus), he would look like an Easter egg, but instead he looks masculine and powerful.

On top of that, the green suit sets up one of the most iconic visuals of all time.

It’s an incredible shot, with both Blair and Chuck in green, underneath the bowed tree branches.

For the ride back to New York, Chuck goes a lot more casual, which is appropriate for a high school kid in the summer.  Still, the gray checked shirt, paired with brown plaid shorts and accessorized with the straw fedora has a lot of style.

But instead of taking his limo back to New York, Chuck decides to stay in the Hamptons and uncover the inconsistencies with Blair’s boytoy’s story.

What better kind of outfit to wear while scheming than a cream and red argyle sweater worn with khaki shorts and checked knee high socks.

But it’s not until the White Party that Chuck pulls out all his fashion stops, donning a tailored white suit with black trim.  He’s even wearing a matching black ascot.

It’s too bad that even this glorious white suit can’t win back Blair’s heart, but then it isn’t his clothes that she wants, but those three words, eight letters that he can’t say.